Why Does My Husband Always Compete with Me?

Seems as if he feels inadequate and then overcompensates , which may or may not be something you can remedy.

Sometimes I wish I was flat out gay and could find a clone of me to be my partner LOL As much as I love my husband and the other men I've had in my life... it gets really old the constant chasm of difference between men and women.

It's called one up manship and is common in the male work world. The employee feels he has to do one better in order to be a winner or something like that. It seems to me that your husband is not only doing this inappropriately with you but he's also doing it in a juvenile way.

In reading about this sort of behavior I've read that it can mean that the person doing one better feels inferior or that if he doesn't do one better he's losing. Just a guess.

I'd ask him why he does this. If you're in counseling this would be a good subject to discuss even if he's not there.

Hmm, Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Tell him you have cramps because of your period. ;-))

Tell him you are his companion, not his competitor. That you support him in all he does. (Its a maturity issue.) Tell him how wonderful he is and thank him for being a good provider.

Use this to your advantage. Pull weeds out of the garden. . . Wash the dishes . . . and let hm beat you. ;-))

I have a SIL that is in this mode right now. My daughter is working this out too.

Good luck to you and yours.

Okay, so I had to go back & read some of your previous posts, and I have one question - why are you still with him?

He sounds like an angry jerk. I mean really, sounds like you've both been miserable for months. He won't even commit to counseling or try to change. He doesn't trust you because of his own issues, that he won't address. What type of marriage/life is that? You & your kid deserve better.

He is insecure. He competes with you make himself feel better. He accuses you of being unfaithful. All signs of a very weak man.

He seems very immature. Has he always been this way? I don't condone divorce unless its absolutely necessary, but how much more of this man can you take? Life is too short to be taken for granted. I know you have kids together, but you have to think about yourself as well.

VERY sophomoric....now the question is HOW are YOU going to handle it?

I don't know yours or your husband's age....but really? sounds like he needs help in a SERIOUS way....if the mountain won't go to him - maybe you need to bring the mountain to him....

tell him you are going to go to a therapist....see how fast he makes an appointment....

I don't know - I've not had this problem since High School maybe Junior High...any way - have you talked to him about this or have you just let it fester? I would COMMUNICATE with him your displeasure and see what he says....

GOOD LUCK!!

LOL, my husband and I fight about this topic alot. Especially now that I am pregnant and there is no way for him to one-up me on that subject. I have been incredibly sick with all-day sickness and he asks me how I am feeling and when I tell him that I have thrown up from nausea a couple times, his voice magically changes, and says his stomach has been hurting too, and that he *might* throw up. It irritates the heck out of me!!!

Men in my opinion need that outlet, but it doesn't need to be with their wives and i remind him of how much it isn't appropriate or necessary to try to one-up his pregnant wife.

I cut him off at the pass sometimes in situations where I may be experiencing nausea, and he tries to change the subject or make it about himself. I ask him a question and completely change the topic immediately before he has the chance to try to make it about himself.

Good luck!

Men are ALWAYS sicker than you are!!!! No matter what!!! I had the stomach flu earlier this year and stayed home from work. My MIL invited me over to help me with the LO because of, you know, the constant puking. She quickly found a million other things she had to do so the onus was back on me to be the caregiver. Grr, but OK. So my husband walks in the door an hour or so later, and I think, "Oh, he's so sweet! He took a half day to take care of me!" No. He's sooooooo sick! He hasn't shown a single symptom, but oh my gosh, he's about a million times sicker than I am. So now, I, still constantly puking, am not only caring for my toddler but also my husband (getting him saltines, gingerale, cool washcloths).
DEFINITELY a man thing to do! You are not alone!

it's possible that he has NO idea he's doing this.

what kind of relationship did his parents have? what was his father like? similar? Also, the dynamic between him and his siblings is important and can really shape a person later in life and really effect them. (if so, that'd explain a little)

it could be that he isn't TRYING to "one-up" you but that this has just been a behavior and pattern he learned early in life (like since he was 4-7yo) in order to sustain acceptance from others. He may have heard his father say things like "you let a GIRL beat you?" or "you let a kid half your age run faster than you?". Also, ive met people like this who came from pretty good families but those families had always competed with neighbors (keeping up with the jones's) where Mr. Jones got Mrs. Jones a new car for xmas so their dad felt like he had to "one-up" Mr. Jones in order to be viewed as a better husband or the Jones family got a membership at the country club so now THEY have to get a membership at the country club but not only that ALL the kids have to be lifegaurds there etc.

It's such a warped identity issue entangled with insecurity.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he thinks women can't be his equal OR superior (though that COULD be it, but for things like this, its deeper)

I think his self esteem was squashed as a youngster and this behavior was learned a LONG time ago.

I would bring it up to him gently and use as much empathy as possible bc there could be a lot of hurt underneath all this. And I bet you could unload all of that for him.

Ignore the competition. Simply don't acknowledge it. I have a SIL like this and it used to drive me insane until I stopped playing her game. Now when she tries to draw me in with the one-up-man-ship I pretend I didn't hear her and continue on with whatever I was talking about. It's like a knee jerk reaction for her and I don't even know if she realizes that she does it any more. I do know that by ignoring her when she does it and just continuing along as if she didn't say anything, it's much more pleasant and less stressful talking with her. And the conversations are more enjoyable.

I would really encourage your husband not to skip any more appointments. Praise him for having gone to the one that he did and maybe if you tell him that you're planning on going to therapy, he'll compete with you on that too.

What I've noticed is that guys are naturally competitive with each other. That's how they bond with each other. It seems as if your husband's competitive streak maybe a little bit more amped up than some men but maybe not as much as others. It also seems to be misplaced since he is forgetting that you are not one of his buddies and, as such, you would probably prefer him being more of a gentleman than to treat everything that the two of you do in your day-to-day life as some kind of competitive sport.

I could be wrong but that's just what it sounds like to me.

That's what I call my husbands One-upper personality! :). My husband doesn't go to the extremes as yours does, but, for instance, I jumped off a 12ft platform into a pool after he had said he wouldn't do it. (i had already said i would as i have done it for years) well he saw me do it, and he told the kids "watch daddy do it". if i draw a picture for the kids, he gets up and has to show me up. I call him on it. I always say "oh, you have to one-up me now, right?" and he knows he does. my son does it sometimes with my daughter, and he is 4! It's just male personality. they have to do better than female. i can tell my husband something that i know for certain about something, and then he calls his dad after telling me he's not sure. his dad tells him the same thing, and what do you know, it's right! i think they are the bane of our existence. but what are you going to do?

Why would someone keep track of this? Why are you telling him what game you are playing? I think YOU think he's competing when really he probably isn't thinking that. I mean does he actually SAY "I drank more soda than you..hahaha". This just doesn't make sense to me. And if he is saying these things, just ignore it. Its like a little kid, the more attention you give it and show that it bothers you, the more he will do it.

that goes beyond normal male competition. he's got issues! i would ignore his obsessive competitive streak, when he starts acting like an idiot, i'd get up and go to the bathroom, read a book, something. and keep getting him to those counselling sessions. he sounds like he desperately needs them. not normal.

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I don't this this is worth the energy that's being put into it. Just say Ok you win, and let it go, eventually it won;t be fun anymore. In marriage there are just to many bigger issues than things like this, don't get me wrong I can see why you are annoyed but that might be the fun for him, men are funny, so let him feel his own little victory it won't last. julue

I have the same EXACT problem with my husband! That's our whole relationship, especially when our children are around and they are ages 33-15.