My Child Is Not Competitive! Uggghhh!

oh my! he sounds just wonderful. a sweetheart who is fair and likes to have fun and doesn't need to one-up anyone else.
i hope you and his dad can learn to love him just as he is, for who and what he is.
testosterone indeed.
:( khairete
S.

Ok, my son is 14. He wasn't interested in girls until like 3 months ago...now we can't get him to focus on anything else really. Seriously. It's like the hormones kicked in, and his brain shut down. My son also isn't aggressive (I think that's a good thing!), and isn't very competitive.

None of this has anything to do with him not having enough testosterone in his system. Leave the poor boy alone. He'll hit puberty and he'll like girls. If you push him toward sports, and he's not into it, he'll resent you.

Is he enjoying himself? Is he happy with his own effort? That is what you need to ask him.

This is what the goal is, unless he is planning on making these activities his passion or career, as long as he is having a goodbtime, that is what is important.

Let's see, by your own words: sweet, laid back, gets along with everyone, handsome, smart, kind and popular. I mean, could you ask for anything more in ANY child?? Count your blessings, dear! Sports ability/interest doesn't make a 'man!'

please do not have the dr check him! Both you parents are pushing this kid....beyond his comfort zone. Why? Why are you not content with your child...as he is?

I'm not saying you're berating him. I'm not saying you're belittling him. I'm saying: at this age, he is aware of your dissatisfaction with his nature....with his very being. This will ultimately harm his self-esteem, if it hasn't already!

As others have said, it's time to back off his lack of competitiveness. Let him find a sport or activity in which he can excel solo! Tae-kwon-do was recommended. I'd also like to recommend golf, tennis, & Band. What about Track or Cross Country? Swimming would be another option!

& I have to admit....I don't get it! My # one concern at age 14 would be: is he happy? is he content? does he sniff around drugs? does he steal? does he exhibit psychotic tendencies? If you can't tag him with any of these descriptors....then leave him alone! Please give him Peace!

Um, I don't see the problem.

I have a 16 year old boy. He is sweet, compassionate, loyal, smart, snarky, and non-agressive for the most part. O,h he riles up when needed, but he does not seek out fights.

He "discovered" girls last year at 15, has a girlfriend, but plans to stay abstinent until married - so his "relationship" is more of a middle school, holding hands variety as he knows to avoid temptation.

He is in the band for the past 6 years, but has also done sports - he loved to play, but thought the overly competitive attitude of most coaches and players was "stupid", his words - to him that sucked the joy out of the sports.

He really found himself once he entered high school.

Just because your son does not fit you and your hubby's stereotypical macho image of young boys does not mean there is anything wrong with him. Instead of forcing him to fit your image you need to help him discover himself, his passions, and his path in the world. He is an individual, help him develop himself - leave your preconceived ideas behind please.

Is he having fun? Isn't that the point?
Really, I don't see the issue.
Get off of his back!

Have you or your husband ever heard of the term "Vicarious Living?" It's when parents want to live through their children, rather than allowing their own children to live by their own internal desires.

Your son sounds wonderful the way he is made. You can't force a competitive nature on him. Personally, I come from a very athletic family, everyone played on team sports and there was lots of competition. It was truthfully very unhealthy as it poured into every aspect of our lives...gosh, cleaning the darn kitchen became a sport event....who could do it better, faster. Is that what you want permeating your life? With the focus only on being the winner, only the best?

Yes, I agree he should give his personal best on a sports team, but it doesn't mean he has to rule the court and bring down the other team with raging testosterone.

BTW, I quit track and field one year because I was winning first place in the 220 yard dash, and at one meet I let this other girl who I had beat everytime, go ahead of me at the finish line. My coach was pretty unhappy and gave me a C on my report card over this choice. I was pissed and quit track and field over it. I did not have concerned parents though and I did not have the competitive spirit to care who won everytime. I thought she might like a first place ribbon like me.

Please respect the other posts. They are meant well.

Oh, wow. This really irks me. A LOT.

Perhaps he's depressed because he can't seem to be good enough for his parents.

Low testosterone? Really???? So, ALL men have to want to rip apart other men in professional sports? That is so... warped. And sick. And wrong.

Your son sounds absolutely fine. Read all of these responses, hopefully take them to heart, give your son a break, love him for who he is, and stop trying to live out your wishes through your kid.

Sounds like he excelling socially. Need more men like him.

READ. ALL. THE. RESPONSES.
Your son is an individual..... and THAT is perfectly normal.

It sounds to me like it might be his father and you who want him to excel at sports. Not criticizing but I think you two should take an HONEST look at how you are with him and how he interprets your expectations. He may just be playing sports because he realizes that dad, and mom, like him to and this is a way to appease and garner a little attention. I have seen this happen many of times-it is actually quite common. If a kid is not in the sport for the right (and only ) reason, because he WANTS to and ENJOYS it, then you will have this kind of behavior.

My friend's husbands (most are doctors including 2 neurosurgeons) & none of them played sports.

Maybe just let him enjoy the sports.

If your husband thinks his testosterone is too low (which is crazy), sounds like hubby's might be too high.

While you can't make "him excel" at sports if he's not hard wired that way, you can gently encourage him to continue playing and not ruin it for him.

Maybe he's just not as driven as some. Most of my girlfriends were uber driven, I was not. However, I still excelled. I have been in high powered managment jobs handling large staff, huge companies and massive budgets brining in more income than most of these companies had hoped for.

So I agree with One & Done and just let your son be.

Holy sh...mokes. Low testosterone? Are you for real? He's a 13 year old boy going through puberty. How much more testosterone do you want him to have coursing through his body?

What makes you think there's something wrong with him because he's not aggressive in sports? What makes you think he'll have problems with other guys in the future because he isn't cutthroat Manly McPenis at the ripe old age of 13 years old?

Give your child some time to grow up, develop his own interests, get used to his growing body, and be thankful that he's not obsessed with girls right now. There are plenty of boys at this age that still think girls have cooties and vice verse. Don't grow him up so fast.

Sports may not be his thing. Have you ever considered that he's playing just because you and/or his dad expect it of him? And if that is the reason, that expectation is going to set him up for failure. He will always think that he's letting you down because he's not good enough, that you're disappointed in him because he's not better at the sport. As far as bullying, I can tell you from first hand experience, he will get bullied more for being bad at a sport that he is "trying" to play than for not playing one in the first place. You want him to excel? Make it clear that if he doesn't want to play a competitive sport that it's OK, ask him what he is interested in and then let him do that. and just for the record, the 2 most popular boys in the town I grew up did not play sports. At all. Nor we're they bullied. Let your son be who he is, not who you expect him to be.

So he's cute, smart, popular, fair and not aggressive? Sounds like a perfect son to me.
It's not his problem, it's yours.
If he wants to be competitive and play organized sports, then he will step it up, and if not, then he won't.
Let him grow into his own person, not the person you *think* he should be.
By the time he gets to high school you will see that only a very small number of boys "make the team" and the rest of them pursue other interests.

Excell in what? You say you want him to play sports in school if he wants to... But it sound this is more important to you and DH than your son!
Go ahead and have him checked, I am sure there is nothing wrong with him!
There is nothing wrong with enjoying sports just for the fun of it, without any sense of competition! There is nothing wrong with trying sOmething or enjoying playing a sport even though you suck at it!
So your son isn't an alpha male at 13? Good for him! The world desperately needs more caring, sweet and fair boys and men that are not governed by raging hormones!
Count your blessings!

I would suggest Tae Kwon Do - seems like he might be tailor made for that kind of sport. It instills discipline, work ethic... but above all would utilize what appears to be a "spirit of kindness" to be fair to others.

My daughter was in Tae Kwon Do. At a very large academy. When she went for her first belt promotion, she was the only one in her color and would have had to do the exercises alone and the sparring with an instructor (she was 6 at the time - and quite shy). It was her first belt promotion and she was very scared.

When her color was called she went to the front of the mat and bowed. But then she got the first couple of the moves wrong. Her Dojang stopped and talked with her briefly and she indicated she was very nervous because of so many people watching (there were probably a few hundred all in all). A teenager, whom we did not know, stood up unprompted and requested permission to spar with my daughter. The Dojang indicated he would have to do the lower level exercises first and would lose promotion eligibility for his own belt that day. He nodded and bowed. He completed the promotion exercises and sparring with my daughter, believing he would have to wait to go up for promotion until the next time. My daughter was able to complete all the exercises and sparring. The Dojang promoted the other boy on the spot for showing the qualities of tae kwon do because he put others first and wanted to help someone succeed.

It sounds like you have an amazingly awesome kid and you have nothing to worry about.

Tell dad not to quit his day job. ;)

Not every boy is a team sport go get um kind of guy.
He might do very well at martial arts.
My son is 13 and is not aggressive.
He's a gentle giant (5 ft 11 in) - but no body bothers him.
While he's certainly built like a line backer, when it comes to sparring in taekwondo, sparring partners bounce off him and he stands solid while blocking then presses forward with hits and kicks.
There are a few girls my son likes, but he thinks most of them are silly and too full of drama - this is middle school and I'm thrilled he's not embroiled with all the nonsense that goes on.
He's serious in his studies (straight A's) and is first chair clarinet in band and he's a popular kid.
A lot of changes can happen between now and high school.
Many guys blossom in college and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think your son is doing just fine.
You and hubby need to step back on your expectations of 'maleness' and what an alpha male is and just enjoy him as he is.

Playing professional sports is not the only thing in life!

If your son is not showing interest in sports, then let him be. Maybe his real interest and real passion lies elsewhere!

Maybe he wants to be a scientist in a lab, maybe he wants to be a writer, maybe he wants to learn ballet (why ever not?), maybe he wants to dance, maybe he wants to learn to paint, maybe he wants to build things, maybe he's destined to become a chef, maybe he wants to be an actor, maybe he wants to be a doctor, a greenhouse man, maybe a fireman (no, really), maybe he wants to become a chess player, maybe he wants to be a fashion designer, maybe a computer whiz........

Have you tried asking him what activities he would like to do? Have you asked him who he dreams about becoming? Have you tried to help him get into those activities? Maybe when he finds the right one for him, then he will show you, the world, and to himself, what he is capable of. Keep in mind, he is still only 13.

And most importantly, even if he does turn out to be a person who is good at things, who enjoys things, and who is a happy kid, but isn't just 'competitive' , the sky isn't going to break and fall. Be happy that he is a happy person. That is what matters.

Wow! You think your son has a problem because he goes out to play for fun instead of to win! He's out there to have a good time; appears he doesn't care if he wins or loses. Nothing wrong with that!

You kind of remind me of my daughter and ex son-in-law. They were so worried that there was something wrong with their son because when he played sports, he pretty much just liked being on the field. He didn't pay attention to the game at all. He just wanted to be out there looking cool.

So they tried to make him "man-up." Last year he was suspended for cussing out the teacher. Is that man enough for you?

Learn to love your son just the way he is. He will be just fine. Not every boy likes sports and not everyone is interested in winning - just playing and having fun. Don't try to change him; you may end up with a kid that has many more issues than being noncompetitive!

Not everyone is competetive. Not everyone is naturally gifted in sports. It sounds like this is more about you & your husband's egos than it is about your son. Sounds like you care too much what others think. Maybe it's time for a break from team sports, and for him to figure out what HE really wants to do.

Do you really think he doesn't notice your disappointment? How about teaching him that the's okay the way he is and that he doesn't HAVE to be any one way.

None of what I'm going to say is meant to be critical... just trying to offer a different perspective. ..He really sounds like a great kid to me... "sweet, laid-back, handsome, smart, kind, popular..." Is the competitiveness the only issue? Do you feel like he's popular because he goes along with everyone else and is a "push-over"? Do kids take advantage of him because he doesn't speak up for himself?

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that there is something "wrong" with him just because he's not aggressive and competitive. Maybe he really doesn't like sports and is really only playing because it's Dad's and your expectation...?

He's 13... that's a tough age for most kids. I think the best thing you can do to help him excel is accept him for who he is and the interests he has. Establish a good relationship with open communication so that if he is being bullied or having trouble with other kids he will not be afraid to talk to you about it. It sounds like he'll have no trouble when you move up north. He'll probably make friends with kids that have the same interests as he does and he'll continue to be kind, popular and smart.

Other males? Low testosterone? Bullied for non-competitiveness? He plays fair?
Your concerns worry me. My kids don't like sports. They like solitary exercise and aren't competitive. They have great friends and are emotionally more secure and mature than most of their peers. If you can say that about your son, I think he's fine, he's just not going to be a big aggressive jock, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Your child is who he is. Love him for who he is and don't push him to be something he's not. If he likes sports but doesn't like to compete with a team, maybe he'll like the track team, or a bike club, or skiing. His "lack of effort" isn't the problem, your expectations are simply off the mark.

Sounds like he's more of a support player and not the "star". Teams need support players too. In fact the US Olympic Basketball team has had issues in the past because it's made up of all the "stars" and very little support.

Maybe you can see if he would be interested in self competition sports, like swimming or running. Something where the one to "beat" is himself.

In wolf packs you need Alphas AND Betas, your boy may just be a Beta.

Wow...that sounds just like my kiddo. (Mine is five, but still...)
Sweet. Kids like him because he doesn't take their toys away from them or make himself out to better than they are. Adults like him because he's nice, doesn't whack their kids, and is a really interesting *person* with a variety of interests. His favorite activities are less physical, more cerebral, and he's a very happy kid.

Maybe your son needs a chance to just play sports for fun. :)

What's more, what are his other interests besides sports? What are his other passions?. THESE are the areas he might try harder to pursue improvement or perfection in.

Otherwise, it sounds like you might have a kind, judicious man and future spouse in the making! In my opinion, only someone with a very narrow view of life would view good sportmanship, a pleasant demeanor and thoughtfulness as deficits. It's too bad that we judge people based on what is more or less outward posturing. My husband is similar to my son and he's found plenty of male friends in his life, was an officer in the army, and is a great manager (these qualities have never hindered--only helped--him to get a job or promotion.)

Your son will have to decide on his own how much he wants to work toward/practice in regard to organized sports. Some kids will make the cut, some won't.... that's for him to explore on his own journey, and will prove instructive for him if you let him experience it without making it about his 'not-so-macho' personality. He's got a good thing going...don't squish it.

What does HE want to do? What does HE enjoy. He might not be an athlete, or enjoy it. So what? Let him be, find what interests him!! Oh, and he is probably interested in girls. That doesn't mean he is interested in front of you. My parents thought I wasn't interested in boys for the longest time, but I just wasn't interested in front of them.

The only thing that is a bit concerning, is that you say he is such a pushover. He sounds a tad insecure, and that's not good. His confidence would really thrive, if he were in something he liked, AND is good at.

Well, only you know your child. But I don't think it's fair to say ignore the issue if you feel it bothers you. My brother was like that and he's now nearly 30, no job, no spouse (just sticks to friendships), and a sweet, nice kid! I do worry about him. He bumbled through school and seems to have no drive to do anything. I'm at my wits end about him sometimes!

I don't think your son sounds abnormal at all, but I do understand that a person has to have drive and motivation, if only to make a living. The 30-year-old? Big problem. A child who maybe just doesn't like sports? That's OK. I hope it all works out.

Maybe let him try a sport that has a team...like martial arts or swimming...but everyone competes really against themselves.

What does he like to do? Does he like playing sports? Some kids don't enjoy it. It sounds like your son is trying to please you and dad by playing sports but maybe his heart just isn't in it.

I would rather hear about your son who is well mannered and nice...than some kid who only cares about winning and will bully other kids.

My parents tried to put me in sports for years, I was always so embarrassing they finally let me quit. I was the kid sitting down making a necklace out of dandylions in the middle of the soccer game. Later on I joined the debate team and did well at that. If he wants to be on the team, and he makes the team, I would just not worry about it unless the couch brings it up with you. Maybe he would do better with track where you are mostly competing against yourself for a better time. Or maybe he would enjoy drama club or art lessons? Why dont you just ask him, say I know you want to play baseball but it seems like you arent really that into it when you are there, would you like to try something else instead?

I feel for you, my daughter is in gymnastics, shes only 3, she begs and begs to go there. Talks about it constantly, and then when we go there she refuses to do anything and she screams and runs away from me, totally embarrassing. I cant figure out why she keeps wanting to go, babies in their diapers still are better at doing the stuff than she is, lol.

It never hurts for a thirteen-year-old to have a checkup, just to make sure everything's all right. But don't burden him with your worries that he is abnormal. He's likely not to be, and you *don't* want him to feel (realize?) that his parents think he is. There's a sensitivity factor to what others think that is very high at this age.

Some kids, boys and girls alike, are simply not competitive. They're not wired for it. They're cooperative. They are great to have around. They are fair, they work well with a team, and they are respected. Many of these people turn out to be leaders - in their adult life. That's excellence. They're succeeding in their lives when the football and basketball players are in court for using performance-enhancing drugs or abusing women.

As far as your son's coaches' feelings are concerned, let the coaches themselves deal with it if they see a problem. Don't make it your problem. Urge your boy to learn to do his best and have fun, and see if there are other things that interest him, too. Perhaps your boy is more of a musician or a writer or a student body leader than a football player.

If you are worried about your son's being bullied, that's a legitimate concern, considering his age and grade in school. It's something to talk to him about, but not as if there's something wrong with *him*. "We are so glad you're you! But I'm concerned that, especially when we move, some of the kids will take advantage of your very easy-going ways and literally try to shove you around. Would you be agreeable to learning some karate or taekwondo, in case you ever have to defend yourself?" Martial arts, properly taught, does not make kids into bullies. But it does make them more confident and better able to handle themselves in a crisis.

You may not realize how many parents wish they had a son like yours! They are worried about their boys being over-competitive, angry, ego-driven, and TOO interested in the girls.

Make him excel??? Sounds like he is an amazing kid and is excelling in many ways ... smart, kind, popular. Please don't push him to be what you are calling "competitive" and what you mean is aggressive. Even the football coach in our middle school said that sports isn't for everyone and he appreciates it when the kids and parents realize that fact. If HE WANTS to play (get it PLAY ... not like it's a job), let him do it in his own way. If it's just you and dad wanting him to play ... you'll regret it later. My dad (and several male friends) have said that after those years past, they regretted forcing their children to play, play harder, etc., etc., when it made no difference in their lives at all. They should have just enjoyed the time with them and watching with other parents.

Talk to your boy. Is he satisfied with who he is or is he fearful or depressed? If he is satisfied I'd say do your best to accept him just the way he is and focus on his happiness. If he isn't happy that is another story and I would talk to the doctor.

I have one son that is very different in the way he thinks. We kept trying to to show him the err in his ways, but all we did was make him feel inadequate. I admit I can't do it all the time but for the most part I have learned to let him be who he is and be okay with it...... even when it can be embarrassing a little bit to me. We keep teaching our teens to be individuals, but when they are we can become uncomfortable. I think that is a feeling worth fighting.

I do want to calm your fears because different is not bad. He may be slow to mature and much of this will go away but it could take another 10 years. It could be that he will just live life differently than you do. As long as he stays on the right side of the law and appears content I'd say go with it. Don't worry about other males. Chances are he only plays sports for the social interaction and won't be playing them much longer. It get's too competitive in upper schools. Direct him towards what really does excite him. Or maybe he will prefer non team sports and remove the pressure of disappointing others. Maybe he'd rather focus on art, music, cars, writing, reading, computers......

Unless he has been bullied in the past I am not sure why you are worried about that in the future. Try your best to accept sports might not be his thing.

Go ahead and get the physical just to be sure. He may be interested in PLAYING sports, but not interested in COMPETING. If that is the case, let him play. Let the coach encourage him where he sees fit. But if he has a non-aggressive and non-competitive personality, then just leave it alone and accept him for who he is. Don't make him feel like something is wrong with him because of this. That's the LAST thing a teenager needs.

It sounds to me like your son does sports for the social aspect of being part of a team.

One of my friends joined the Cross Country team in high school. She came in LAST at every single meet. She didn't care! She didn't work super hard at practice either, she just liked to be social and she enjoyed running.

She graduated with almost straight As in college and is very successful with her work.

I can see why you'd be upset because it IS upsetting to know your child is capable of more than he/she is putting forth. However, you do need to look at it from your child's point of view. He probably has a different goal for being on the team, and he is probably succeeding at it!

If I were you, I'd let the coach handle your child at practice and at games. They can either find your child's motivation or let him be himself.

He's also 13. His interest in girls might not be there yet. OR maybe he IS interested and not letting you know.

Not every person does sports to win. Sounds like your son just wants to be liked rather than be competitive. Nothing wrong with that!

Good luck!

Seriously? You have a smart, kind, and handsome boy and you want your fears put to rest? What fears? That he plays fairly? That he respects his fellow athletes and does not act like an overly hormonal jerk while playing sports? He is 13! Instead of verbally abusing him because you and your husband think his testosterone is low, how about praising the high, moral character he is exhibiting? How about letting him try out for sports and if he makes the team, let him enjoy the time on his own? You are not trying to make the team. Your husband is not trying to make the team. Your son is trying to make the team. You and your husband have had your childhoods. Why not let your son have his? Grow up, try to realize that the stereotypical, growling male might be 'successful' at teen sports, but they are also the guys who never get over their 'sports career' and continue to bore friends and family with stories of the great game winning catch they made 30 years ago! Accept your son for who is, not who you want him to be.

I'm curious what his coaches say about him. Not knowing your son, I guess I don't really see the problem. It's not enough for you that he wants to play? You want him to win enough that he will be more aggressive and less fair? I think if you really think that coaches will not like his lack of effort, you can maybe leave that to the coaches to motivate him. Maybe they will not see it in the same light as you.

When I was growing up, my parents were really uptight and obsessed with me getting good grades. When I didn't get straight A-pluses, they were upset that I wasn't more upset. I finally told them that there wasn't any reason for me to care more, because they cared enough for the both of us. It kind of sounds to me that it's the same sort of thing with your son and sports.

I personally think you should back off and be grateful that he wants to play sports at all, since it seems so important to you. If you keep harping on him, it may make him want to give them up altogether.

Reading your comment it made me smile because I can completely understand. My oldest is almost 13 yrs. He does not have the desire his younger has with sports. My 8 yr son has improved so much in this past year in running and catching the ball with his dad. He can now bounce the tennis ball on the racket 100 times. When he sets out to do something he does it. It might take him awhile but he doesnt give up.
My older son is kind. Small child really enjoy playing he is never nasty or rough.
My older joined boy scouts this past spring. Wow! He really has the desire for this. I can see the spark in his eye when he talks about it. He also does tennis. Its hard to get him practice and tennis is expensive. He also jogs with me this year he starts the middle school and I thought track would be good for him. To get him up its so frusrating. We have had arguments I have told him I am tring to teach him good healthy life habits while he is still young so it will be second nature. We were going to the gym or running a good part of the summer. I hurt my knee last so we have ran now in over a week.
I feel your pain. Just keep trying to find his nitch dont give up.