Ugh! MIL Issues.

I think that you are handling it just fine. Maybe you should disengage from her altogether and let your husband know that this is how you choose to handle it and just let him deal with her however he chooses. When he gives you a funny look, give him one right back. He can act with his mother like he doesn't know what's going on, but not with you. He knows exactly where your response is coming from; he just wishes that you could be more like him.

Here is my concern: Having a husband who spends years not standing up for you (in your eyes) can lead to irreversible resentment. It hurts so much that you learn to harden your heart a little at a time toward him. By the time he does decide to come around, you might very well be over it and over him. That's hard. Talk to a counselor who can help you make your point to him. It might even help if he will just explain to you the logic he uses in his responses to her. That insight might help you to feel that he's not just disregarding your feelings altogether. I think that the only reason that this is as troublesome as it is is that you and your husband are at odds about it (and other stuff). If you two were on the same page and you felt that he totally had your back, I'm thinking that you'd be able to laugh off this woman's efforts and just keep your daughter away from her nastiness. Instead, you're having to figure out what the line is that you need to walk.

Tell your husband that you are disengaging from her, for the sakes of your sanity and your marriage. And then, give him a big hug and kiss.

I advise you to disengage with MIL. If she sends emails, delete them.. do not read them! If you see her, be friendly but don't engage. Tell you daughter the same thing. Seriously, this woman has issues that are none of your doing and nothing you say/do will change them.

Don't be upset with your husband for not standing up for you. It would do no good! I have a similar dynamic with my own Mother. She is problematic in so many similar ways. I am so grateful to my husband for ignoring her when she acts up and sympathizing with me. Trust me, when its YOUR parent who is the troublemaker, you feel very badly. You're on pins and needles all the time, hoping that nothing blows up. But she is still his Mom. Be as understanding and sympathetic as you can, I know its hard.

Feel free, though, to let him be the one who has to deal with her. Don't resent what he does for her, it is admirable. He is a good person, trying to deal with someone who is immature and manipulative. You, however, do not get more involved. Do not have a family meeting with her. For someone like that its just more fuel on the fire.

You just roll your eyes and basically ignore her bad behavior. If she says something to your face (which she probably won't, because she's passive-aggressive) just say "Well, I disagree" or "Sorry you feel that way" and walk away. Engaging a person like this is what they want. Your most effective path is to ignore her.

Good luck.

C.-

We faced similar difficulties. Both my mother and MIL are difficult people in their own right. They are, like your MIL, even handedly difficult. That is, they mistreat everyone in the same ways. Although it manifests in different ways, at the core of their misbehaviour is a selfish outpouring of love, lack of organization, and lack of communication.

i.e. my mother is beligerently hospitable. She will insist on feeding you even if you decline, insist you take home left overs even if you have plenty to eat at home, and orchestrates big meals she slaves over and insists people attend because she has put in so much effort. She is actually a really good cook, but the martyrdom and pushiness is tiresome.

my MIL overpacks and is disorganized, and a real procrastinator. She wants to have everything on hand for every eventuality for everyone. Instead, it proves a real bother to get her packed, and unpacked at each port of call on a lengthy road trip adding time and tension to an already cramped situation. She is also a back seat driver, and will literally scream, as though its an emergency if you miss a turn.

It took us some time to realize it, but neither my husband nor I can make any headway in bringing about a change in behaviour with either. Frankly, no one can bring about change in another person. The only person you can change is yourself.

We sometimes each have a better shot at getting a point across to our respective mother in laws, because they can see us as adults without the emotional baggage of having a parent child relationship.

My counsel, trust and believe that your husband has asked your MIL to change her behaviour towards you. Trust that in being non confrontational and friendly, he isn't necessarily condoning it, but rather, continuing to do that which seems to manage her best. Take the higher road re: your MIL. Make sure that you support your daughter without undermining her grandmother.

My husband's uncle used to do this with his kids. the children would cause all sorts of mayhem and someone might remark- "what a horrible child" and Uncle, in response would simply say "Johnny is not a horrible child." No further confrontation, but support of the child.

Best,
F. B.

You've done pretty well so far. You've managed to be a good role model for your daughter, in not belittling or name calling, that kind of thing.
You set boundaries for yourself in defending your daughter and not being fake with grandma.

Be true to yourself. When H shoots you a look, just shrug it off. Tell him about your boundaries of not letting her treat your family badly. Tell him it's nonnegotiable. You love him enough that you will try to understand the way he deals with her but you can't help being hurt. it would be good to talk with a counselor.

I know what it's like to be lied to and about. It's beyond frustrating.
My mil has told her lies so much, she believes them. She told me I cussed her out..lol! I have never cussed anybody out. Nobody who knows me would ever believe that. But perfect strangers, believe.
Thanks. Thanks, a lot.

My favorite book of late, on this subject for your H is, Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward. You can pick it up at the library. H doesn't correct her because she has done this most of his life and he is used to it. Doesn't make it right.

Good luck!

I'm impressed with your use of the word "perseverate." You don't hear that often. And Mamapedia's spell check doesn't even know it.

I agree with H Looloo. Try not to be angry -- at least she's not your mother, and your anger only ultimately hurts you. She's obviously a really damaged person, just shrug her off.

If might be worth asking your daughter, "Does it bug you when grandma does X?" Ultimately, kids can live with not-very-nurturing grandmothers; I know mine did. (Patty K. it was my mother, not my MIL.)

I also agree with H Looloo's comment that "Having a husband who spends years not standing up for you (in your eyes) can lead to irreversible resentment," and everything Looloo said following that statement. That was one of my big issues, so I know the fallout from this situation well.

Your daughter will be fine; the biggest problem is probably what having a passive husband is doing to your marriage. If you think there's any possibility of regaining positive feelings towards your husband, you might want to really push home the idea that he needs to stand by you, maybe through counseling.

Passive males, ugh.

It sounds as if she's someone who sees all other females as competition for male attention - including her son's. If this is true, there's not a thing you can do about it, other than find a way to stop being angry, which is best accomplished by not caring about what she does anymore. This is tough, but do-able. If she's acting like a snotty teen, give her as much attention as you'd give any snotty teen who is not your daughter -engage with your daughter if it hurts her, but otherwise, ignore ignore ignore.

There's a question below if anyone has issues with their own mother. Look around at more posts, and you'll see that many people do. But this weird competitive dynamic is usually unique to emotionally immature/unhealthy MILs, because they see their sons as possessions, rather than adults with lives of their own. I could go on about this, but to keep it short - I think there's a generation that was taught it was normal for females to compete for all male attention, resulting in many emotionally unhealthy women glomming onto that as normality (it's not). My Mom is of that generation. I don't have problems with my Mom like this, but I am 100% sure that if I had a brother, his wife would have just these issues, because my Mom is weirdly competitive with other women and needy with all men too.

Talk to your daughter and tell her some of the issues that families can sometimes have. I'd tell her that if she ever feels like grandma isn't being nice to her to walk away or block her number from her electronic devices. This way daughter will have some sort of protection mentally from grandma's behaviors.

If this was me...I'd tell kiddo she's lucky grandma doesn't like girls, that grandma's not always nice and she doesn't have to put up with it if grandma isn't attending her stuff.

Poor kiddo.

As for you? Make a new email address that she doesn't have and cancel the old one or use it for spam stuff. You know, the stuff that the stores always send if you order something from them or if you sign up for a newsletter or something. Then suddenly you're getting 30 spam emails per day.

I have one that is like that. I have a different address that I don't give to anyone except friends and people I personally know. I don't use it for any log ins or online shopping or memberships to any site.

Man, I feel for you, I do. I have had MIL issues since day one, and have tried all sorts of ways to deal with it. I still don't have the answer.

I CAN tell you that the resentment that will build up against your husband is hard to reverse. It feels AWFUL to not have your husband have your back.
My MIL is rude with her quietness. She has these subtle ways of making you feel like an outsider or an outcast. And she's good at it; damn good. She also withholds affection (to both me and my children) when she is irritated with me, or just doesn't like me that day.

The problem is, if he's never stood up for you before, he never will. There's been a precedent set, and she knows what she can get away with.

You may just need to distance yourself from her. I'm moving through the same issues right now. My MIL decided to only text my DH to tell us when Thanksgiving dinner would be. She usually texts both of us, but this year she doesn't like me, so no text to me. Well, I was off-put by this. So, my dh says, "Do you want me to text her back and have her text you with what we should bring?"
OH NO!!! If she doesn't have the decency to include me in the text (who doesn't include the WIFE?!?!), then I won't be bringing anything thankyouverymuch.

It is your husband's job to deal with HIS mother. Make a list that he needs to discuss with her and hold him accountable by not letting it go. Keep asking if he's had a chance to talk with her about it.

my biggest advise...have a family meeting. COMMUNICATION! sure you may hurt some feelings, make one upset or even piss off the MIL. At least YOU made attempt to be an adult and speak how all of this is making YOU feel. So what if she feels your over reacting, as your not. At least your being an adult and using your big girl words. We teach our children to use their words, why can't us adults do the same thing?

COMMUNICATION...not a blind ear or eye. For anyone in this situation. Problems do not get solved by just ignoring them. They continue, they build, then they blow up when all you had to do, was TALK! how does anyone know if you do not speak up about something? We can't read minds!!!

Assure your MIL you want her as a part of the family but communication is to be directed to all. Not just one to talk about another. You are as much as part of her life now, as her son is. And as your husband, he should stand up for you. he is your Partner! Granite, we all are entitled to our opinions, but its without saying that your son should tell his mother "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

# 1 = COMMUNICATION :)

good luck!

Patty K - I have mother issues! I could write a book (or two). After a bit of a rough start, my MIL has tried not to intrude. She has been there for us when we've needed a babysitter etc.

So...not everyone bashes their MIL...

Almost every time I see or talk to my mom, I need to vent for a while. She has never accepted me for who I am. She never listens. I could go on and on...

All that aside...I think C., that it should be your husband who talks to his mom. It won't go well if you do. BUT...I would not tolerate my kids being verbally abused by anyone. I have had to step in with my mom more than once and tell her to knock it off when her behavior or words are out of line. It is our job as parents to protect our children. Sad that sometimes, it means protecting them from their grandparents.

C.,

I am SO sorry you are going through this! I went through something similar with my husband (who also did not defend me the way I wanted him to). Most men, I have observed, SUCK at standing up to their mothers!! Your MIL's behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop. Have a heart-to-heart with your husband, explaining to him that you need his support and that he needs to stand up to his mother and defend you and your daughter. If he refuses, you two should go to counseling. A few posts before yours, there was a similar post about inlaws by Amanda. Her post title was "expectations from inlaws." You might want to read my reply. In a nutshell, I suggested a long distance move! I know that may seem drastic, but sometimes it is what needs to be done (if that is possible). I moved far away from my mother many years ago, and it was the smartest thing I ever did. Best of luck to you!

I wonder if anyone has mother issues. Everyone always rags on the MIL. Just wondering.