Really Silly 5 Year Old Girl Drama

I think telling your daughter that she should end the friendship with Sophie, as someone suggested, would turn Sophie into "forbidden fruit" in your daughter's eyes. Chloe will suddenly think of how much she really does like Sophie and will resist your attempt to end the friendship. I would not give Chloe any lectures about dropping a manipulative friend -- especially as you say this girl really is OK and a pleasure most of the time! She is being five and likely she gets her way with tears and fussing at home, and thinks she can do the same with your daughter. It is typical for some kids. If you and Chloe like her otherwise, why drop her over this? They're not middle schoolers in a mean-girl situation; they're five and still barely able to navigate a world with other kids in it.

After what you described of Sophie's ways, I would not have walked Chloe over to their house "to talk about it." If Sophie knows you came over, it fed her drama. I would have left it alone, but it's done now. Next time just acknowledge it and then distract your daughter: "It's too bad Sophie feels that way. She really wanted a yes to a playdate and she got a no. But sometimes we all have to hear no and be OK with it because we have to do other things. Now, how about a snack and getting on with that homework? What's the homework today?" And so on. Your own daughter needs to hear that "No" will happen -- and you will stick to it-- no matter what fits get thrown by anyone involved.

Next week, invite Sophie over and never mention today again. I would cut back all the after-school play dates not just with her but overall. And if you are friends with the mom, you can mention that Chloe was worried that Sophie was upset. I would be the mom is well aware of her daughter's tendencies to have a "bad list" and to cry when told no.

If this keeps happening to the point of these teary fights then you need to find some other things for your daughter to be doing and limit their time together, especially if they are also together a lot in class. And to answer your final questions -- at five they still need help "working things out themselves." If they get into it in front of you, it's time to intervene with "Sophie, we don't have a 'bad list' in our house. Everyone's friendly if they want to play together, or they go home until they feel like being friendly to everyone" or whatever the situation calls for.

Let your daughter work it out. She's a bright girl. This is a life lesson for her. Girls have a tendency to fight one minute and they are friends the next. I've found it's best to not put yourself in the middle because you end up stressing out more over this than the kids do. I have a feeling that if Sophie continues being such a drama queen, Chloe will move on.

When my oldest was 5, the threat du jour was "I won't be your friend anymore". He was always devastated by it, but it never actually meant anything. Now he's 7 and it's "you'll never be on my spy team." Um, okay...

I suspect this is the current way that many kids say "I'm mad."
And kids like your daughter and my son take it to heart - and it hurts them.

Try to coach your daughter in saying "oh well" and "okay" to these comments. If nothing else, if she gets good at it, she'll be an unlikely target for bullies when she is older.

If this doesn't seem to simply be an immature way for the other child to say "I'm upset about this", then it will be time to say things like "what do you see in Sophie?", "what do you like about being her friend?" and "some of the things she does seem manipulative to me, and I don't think that's nice" (and so on).

With our son, I explain to him that most kids his age don't quite get what friendship is about yet. We'll talk about a friend he has (who is as loyal and caring as he is). We'll talk about the kids who seem to be bullies and the one (one!:) who is manipulative (the manipulative boy is mostly a nice kid - but competitive).

It's *good* to teach our children to stick up for themselves.
It's also good to help them learn how to decide what's worth hearing with weight and what isn't.

While I try to teach my son to be his own champion, I also try to teach him to understand that many kids his age simply don't understand how to express hurt and anger in a healthy way. I praise him for his maturity in this area. And we do the tight-rope walk of childhood.

Good luck to you. And hugs to your daughter!

I think you giving your daughter the tools to deal is the best way, don't worry about talking to the other mom. If you guys meet at the mailbox and the subject of little girl drama comes up, you can probably have a casual chat about it.
Mainly, you teaching your daughter how to deal with difficult situations is the best answer.
Kids dont have a long memory like we do, girls have their little tiffs on and off forever.... you know this just by being on this site. The grown women are still little girls "inside". :)
Sounds to me like you are doing a good job just the way you are handling it right now.

My take on it is that if Sophie is the youngest, she may have had older siblings model this sort of language/behavior on her, and it likely worked for them.

Chloe can deflate Sophie pretty quickly by conceding to the threats with a simple "okay" and moving away from her. "You're not my friend anymore." Okay. "You're on my bad list." Okay. The message is clear: "I'm not going to get pulled in and argue with you." This puts the onus on Sophie to clear things up, and not on Chloe to go mend fences she didn't break.

Looks like you've got plenty of other good advice. If Sophie's a pretty good kid overall, it's worth giving her a chance. Fives are learning a lot through social situations (in regard to what will or won't be tolerated from peers). When things are going well, don't comment on Sophie's behavior. When your daughter complains about Sophie's actions or words, you can always turn it back to Chloe: "Well, what would you want to tell her?" You can encourage her to stand up for herself without putting words in her mouth, but if she needs a line or two, that's fine also.

Because I am too freakin' lazy to retype (and because this kind of question comes up a LOT on here) I have copied and pasted my response to a similar question below:

When I worked in first grade there were certain girls who were ALWAYS involved in some kind of drama. And the scary thing is, they almost seem to ENJOY it!
I had an excellent teacher mentor who taught me this: when these girls come crying to you, so and so is mean, says she won't be my friend, etc. your response should be kind but firm, and you should turn it back on them. Say, oh that wasn't very nice, why do you think she said that? What do you think you can do about it? It puts the "sensitive" girl in control, and makes her think, why DO I want to play with a girl who is being mean to me?
Of course if a child is being bullied or harassed on a daily basis that's different. What I'm talking about is the every day, run of the mill girl-drama (think alpha female complex, it's real.)
Empower your daughter. As her what SHE can do to make things better. Encourage her to play with kids who play nice and fair.
But be warned, some girls are simply attracted to the drama/alpha. I have witnessed it over and over, perfectly nice little girls who continue to seek out the bossiest, meanest girls on the playground, or in the neighborhood :(

My DD is 4.5 and in preschool... exactly the same kind of drama. My two cents: stay out of it.
When my DD comes to me and complains about her friends I talk to her about her feelings, what the other girl may feel, how we sometimes get upset and say things we don't mean, how we should react in certain situations, what we can say or do... yada...yada.
According to our preschool teacher these kinds of conflict are perfectly normal at this age and the best you can do is teach your child how to deal with this herself. At our school the teachers simply send the tattler back with instructions to solve the problem themselves.
Good luck

Since your daughter seems very bright and understanding, if you can explain to her that it's your opinion that you shouldn't be friends with her (because who wants to be friends with someone who manipulates them!?) and that she can still be nice to sophie but that you want her to be friends with people who respect her. Might want to explain that Sophie is just growing up too, it's nothing actually WRONG with her, but everyone is different at every age and she's learning how to deal with not being able to have fun all the time.

I would not want my daughter to be friends with someone like that, so this is what I would try and do anyway... if I knew my little one would be upset by losing the friend, then I would let it be but have a talk with her and explain that friendship is a road, you know? You drive safe on your side and the oher person should too! If your girlie doesn't treat people that way and doesn't like it, she shouldn't be friends with people who act that way.

work with your kid.
do not interfere to the degree of involving the other parents.
sophie is not the first passive-aggressive that chloe will meet.
khairete
S.

Check this out.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6550788648391081985

Seriously, are you an Just M sisters?

So cool.

:)

Just practice with your daughter what to say to Sophie. You can play act it, use dolls and then when she has that down you can practice where you are Sophie and she is herself. Practice different scenerios that have actually happened.

My daughter was involved in bad girl drama when she was in first grade. There was a manipulative little girl who would do things like Sophie is. She had "bad list" and would constantly threaten not to be a friend, and also to take other friends away. Later on I found out more horrible things this girl did.

It doesn't sound like Sophie is as bad as the girl in my daughter's first grade, but practicing with my daughter what to do and say helped her a lot. It did stop this girl from picking on my daughter, and it kept the drama down. Telling them not to be friends doesn't work AT ALL! It just makes things worse! So don't do it. It's too hard in a small classroom and it puts a lot of stress on your child. When we told her to stay away from that girl it was all she could think about. She didn't want to go on the playground because the girl was there, she was worried about what she would say if that girl talked to her or tried to sit with her on the bus. She got upset when they were put on the same team in gym class. Too difficult.

Good luck!

Like I told someone yesterday, buckle up! It's only the beginning!!!

It's definitely manipulation and bullying to a degree. It's starts in pre-K and kindergarten and only gets worse.

Teach your daughter to say "who cares" or "oh well" when someone threatens her with not being her friend anymore because_____. If Sophie is really her friend, she will stop manipulating her.

My 10 yr old daughter's neighborhood best friend, Kate is friends with a girl at school named Emily who controls her, and won't let her play with my daughter at school, (luckily we're neighbors so they can play at home all the time),Emily tells her she won't be friends with her if she plays with my daughter, and says mean things about Kate when she doesn't do what she says. Kate is so afraid of making Emily mad that she just does along with whatever Emily wants her to do. She cries to her mom (whom I'm friends with too) that she can't play with anyone else and really wants to make more friends, but Emily won't let her. Her mom gets so mad and upset, but Kate is very passive and just doesn't know how to stick up for herself. I hate to see someone being controlled that way, and feel bad about all of the things Kate misses out on. To make matters worse, since Emily knows that she has control over Kate, she is very mean to her. So Kate is stuck with only friend at school, and this friend treats her badly. I would like to go over there and handle this situation myself and Kate's not even my daughter!

Hopefully your daughter can learn to nip this in the bud sooner than later.

I would teach your daughter to try conflict resolution at the time the girls get in their spats, and that when they walk away from each other, it's over if your daughter has tried her best. Walking over to the other girl's house was great, and that would probably work with other children or maybe even when this little girl grows up and matures, but I think that with this particular little girl that the less response she gets to her tantrums and threats the better. Maybe her family gives in but it'll do her good to learn that her friends and others won't.

It's just going to get worse. Wait until she's in junior high! Girls are horrible to each other.

Just stay out of it, and encourage your daughter to find other friends. You can't change a drama queen, so it's best to just ignore her and stay far, far away. There are plenty of other little girls in the world.