My daughter is 6 and very mature for her age. She is a very friendly and outgoing girl and is friends with many children. My daughter has one friend in the class, Rosie, with whom she is very close too and they do spend a lot of time together. There is another girl, Maddy, who is like a 3rd to this friendship, but she is very manipulative and is constantly telling my daughter that she doesn't want to be friends with her and that she will only be my daughter's friend if she does certain things, like sit on the bus by her, only talk to her, play her games, etc. My daughter doesn't try to exclude this 3rd girl from playing or their friendship, but the girl just has different likes than my daughter and her friend Rosie. My daughter even goes out of the way to sooth Maddy's feelings of not wanting to be friends and I have encouraged my daughter to talk to Maddy about it. But my daughter is heartbroken every time Maddy tells her "You aren't my friend."
I have tried to explain to my daughter that Maddy is probably very jealous and is feeling left out for some reason and instead of figuring out how to deal with her emotions, she chooses to say hurtful things. And I have tried to tell my daughter that having a friend "run your life" isn't how a friend should act. No one should have to manipulate you to be a friend. I want her to understand that sometimes people are just that way and no matter how hard you try to make it right, it isn't going to work.
I am looking for advice on how to explain to my daughter that some girls are going to be this way and give her ways on how she can deal with it. If you have any advice, please let me know
"Some girls are going to be that way. Ignore it, and focus on your other friends. Tell Maddy, "that's okay, I have other friends," when she says that."
Tell your daughter to do what she wants to do, and not give in to Maddy's threats. However, she should be nice to Maddy, not engage in similar behavior.
Keep it short and sweet. They are only 6, and this isn't the end of the world.
When this happened to my little ones, I told them. If they say they don't want to be their friend, to say. Ok. and walk away. Then when they try to play again, they remind the other that they didnt want to be friends. Also, to say" I am friends with people who treat me nicely. Until you are nice, I don't want to play with you.
As for advice, just tell her that some kids are told to do this to get friends. Others just are trying to do anything they can to get friends even if it means hurting someone. Its not right or fair but this happens. She can walk away at any time and she doesn't have to be maddy's friend. If this is happening frequently, talking to the teacher may help. She could address the class and talk about friendship and how to be a good friend.
You teach her what the word manipulate means.
You teach her and tell her, it is not nice.
You teach her, not to be a doormat.
You teach her, that "friends" are NOT always nice. Because, they are not friends.
You teach her what a friend is and is not.
You teach her, that some people are just not nice.
You teach her, to CHOOSE her own, friends.
You teach her how to speak up.
You teach her, to KNOW HERSELF, and to know, who SHE is.
When a child knows who they are, they are less prone to be manipulated.
You teach her, that being a "people pleaser" is and can be, dysfunctional. You would not want her to be co-dependent right? Teach her to stand up for herself.
Teach her, that people like this, is just another form of bullying.
Teach her, to know boundaries and to say so.
Teach her, to choose.... friends.
*TEACH her, that she cannot "fix" everyone.
*TEACH her Self-Respect. And to know herself. One day, she will have a boyfriend, would you want her to act this way with a Boyfriend that is mean to her, like that girl Maddy?
Think, ahead, as well.
Teach her these things now. It is not just with other girls.
Don't make excuses for Maddy. Tell your daughter, it is WRONG.
Ever since my kids were toddlers, I just have always talked to them, in everyday situations, about people. Their motives and how they are, good or bad. I am very blunt. But I explain things in age appropriate ways so that they can, understand. I did that, so that, once they were in elementary school, they would be aware enough, about it all. Mean kids, nice kids, how to choose friends and speak up, to KNOW right and wrong, to know what manipulation is and how to recognize it etc. I just chat to my kids about it. Nothing formal. Just chatting. And giving examples etc. And as my kids grow up, I make sure that they are not just too focused on "pleasing" others especially if someone is being mean etc. They NEED TO KNOW THEMSELVES, and be self-assured.
And to recognize, when someone is trying to make them do things, they are not wanting to. And if a kid doesn't want to play with you, fine. THEY are their own, person. Just go find another friend. Don't take it personally.
There is a girl in my daughter's grade level... that is such a doormat. ALL the other "alpha" girls and mean girls, just boss her around, and she just TRIES to please them all the time. She lets... them do this. And even my daughter will say, that she is just a puppet. She doesn't have her own mind. She doesn't realize, that those girls don't even care about her, they just use her and everyday they have a different mood. My daughter steers clear of kids like that. She has learned how to "recognize" it. And types of people.
I think what you told her was great. My GD, age 11, has a friend like that. Every other day she tells my GD she isn't her friend anymore. My GD was just telling me last night that she's tired of that and she's just going to move on from the friendship. Hooray!
I would tell your daughter not to pay any attention when Maddy says that because history tells you that tomorrow it will be a different ball game.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing, guiding her, talking about what it means to be a good friend, etc. Encourage her to stand up for herself and make her OWN choices. That's all you can do. Growing up is a process, she will be dealing with these issues for many years. It will likely get worse in middle and high school.
Keep her busy and involved with outside activities and hobbies and/or sports as much as you can. When it comes to girls there will always be drama but the busier she is the less likely she is to have time for it.
