So if any of you read my posts before you know I am blessed with an over analyzing 5 year old who is sensitive, which results in a sweet, kind, empathetic kid but also leads to drama in regards to feelings. What advice do you give your kids in "fighting with friend" situations in K? Her and these 2 little girls have been "BFF's" (haha---it's cute and silly to hear her say that) apparently the entire school year. She's been crying the last few nights that she keeps getting into fights with her one friend. The fights seem silly. Emmy and her were taking turns making up games the one day and when it got to Emmy's turn her friend said she was done playing and walked away, so Emmy was upset and told her it wasn’t fair but they both agreed to not be mad and play with other people. All silly stuff, yesterday they were playing and Emmy said she kept telling her to do stuff she didn't want to and so she said no, and then the girl said she wasn't playing with her anymore so Emmy replied with "if you don't want to be my friend I don't want to be yours" it ended with Emmy saying sorry she said that last thing and in tears. She said she walked to line up crying and she was weeping telling M. the story saying she was so hurt no one turned around to ask if she was ok since she would have. So now the drama queen feels like no one in her class cares. She's abnormally upset the other little girl didn’t say sorry too and walked away after she said sorry.
A side note she’s trying to play sick each morning to not go to school this week. She says her one before and after school teacher is mean and told her and her friend that she doesn’t care if they think she's mean and she only likes the one kid in her class. This teacher does seem mean and often J. gives off a vibe of not liking Emmy, but I take it all with a grain of salt since Emmy tends to be overly sensitive and everyone can have their preferences to kids. (All of Emmy's actual teachers rave about her being so sweet and kind- so I'm not worried about Emmy causing her to not like her) Yesterday I picked her up and apparently the teacher brought in gummy worms for the kids and only gave emmy and the other kindergartners 1 and gave the older kids handfuls each, silly but apparently that’s what started the conversation before this where one K kid said she was mean for doing that and she replied with the not caring. Today I walk in and the kids yell Emmy we get gummy bears!!! and the teacher says oh no you got 1 yesterday so you're not getting one today (I felt like telling her Yes I pay for before and after, she's here more than the kids J. in the am so it's silly to exclude her because she got one the day before). I J. gave her a hug and left. She looked pouty but would never dream of saying anything.
Anyway do I J. ignore all of this K drama and let her work it out on her own? Tell her to play with other kids if she keeps fighting with this girl. Tell her to make up with this girl? It's all seems so silly and little but its making her dread school each day
Theresam I think I'll be in AA by the time she hits middle school. As I think it out and even write the stuff it seems so overly petty and not worth a though, and I try to remember for her this is her world so is overly impt to her, that and I don't want to see her sad. I can't believe parenting has led M. to care about gummy bears and K friends...lol but somehow I sit here hoping she has a better day and gets a gummy bear off that teacher lol. Oh I'm going out for a drink tonight! Emmys dad is coming over to spend a little time with her since its his birthday, so I'm leaving th house when he does! Gummy bear shots for M. lol
I have a kindergartner and this sounds pretty normal to M.! What I do is roll play with my son at home. We work together on coming up with better ways for him to respond to these type of situations.
All I can say M is, if you're still around MMP when she gets to middle school, I'll buy the first round of drinks, cuz we're gonna need it.
Girls are fascinating.With mine (Also Emmy, but Margaret not Emily, long story), now 15, it's been a trip. The highs and lows. I've enjoyed every second of it.
Thank Goodness for little girls.
Of course you don't 'ignore' the drama, but since she's a thinker, you CAN have your say, then give her space to decide how SHE wants to handle it, right?
:)
When I worked in first grade there were certain girls who were ALWAYS in some kind of drama. The thing is, it's like a monster, the more you feed it the bigger it gets!
I had an excellent teacher mentor who taught M. this: when these girls come crying to you, so and so is mean, says she won't be my friend, etc. your response should be kind but firm, and you should turn it back on them. Say, oh that wasn't very nice, why do you think she said that? What do you think you can do about it? It puts the "sensitive" girl in control, and makes her think, why DO I want to play with a girl who is being mean to M.?
Of course if a child is being bullied or harassed on a daily basis that's different. What I'm talking about is the every day run of the mill drama.
Empower your daughter. As her what SHE can do to make things better. Encourage her to play with kids who play nice and fair. But be warned, some girls are simply attracted to the drama. I have witnessed it over and over, perfectly nice little girls who continue to seek out the bossiest, meanest girls on the playground :(
I think Emmy needs an Emmy award for all this drama! WOW!
You need to teach her to tone it down. For starters, if the issue really isn't THAT concerning (and it doesn't sound like it is), don't listen with an attitude and body language that makes her think that you think it's a huge deal. Listen, yes, but keep the empathetic reactions to a minimum. You're J. feeding the fire by getting all into her little soap opera.
Guide her to be less dramatic and also to not EXPECT other people to react the way she wants them to. He getting upset that the other kids were not also emotionally involved in her drama is not healthy and will follow her if you don't guide her. You can only control your reactions and feelings, not the reactions and feelings of others.
My daughter is very similar to your daughter. She is sweet, sensitive, empathetic and shy. She is in 1st grade now and most of her problems started the beginning of 1st grade as her and her BFF started a new school together. Things were going great until I think her BFF started getting jealous that my daughter was making more friends than her. This BFF started telling her that other girls did not like her nor wanted to sit by her. She also was telling M. how other girls did not want to play with her and only her BFF at recess. I was so distraught, I emailed her teacher to get her view, who said she could not understand as most the girls were picking her to help them with things. So...I started to realize this all stemmed from her BFF. I ended up limiting their play time outside of school as they were seeing a lot of each other and I started coaching my daughter about how its ok to have more than one really good friend. So that way if said friend isn't playing nicely then she would have others to seek out and play with. I also told her if someone says someone said something its ok to have a talk with the so called person that said it. But I also let her talk through her problems and on her own she came up with ideas of why she doesn't think the person said it and how she thought BFF only said it because she wanted to sit by said friend. And I gave her my real life friend stories. I told her how I had issues with my friends and it only gave M. opportunities to make new ones. And how at times I still did things with my old friends.
Anyway, I helped talk my daughter through this. It tore at my heart. But I also never went to the other parent nor went barging in. I did bring it up to her teacher J. so her teacher was aware as my daughter was new at the school and was feeling left out. I think that helped also as her teacher put her by some new friends to sit by. I also scheduled a play date with a couple different girls. Fast forward to the end of the year and my daughter has had zero complaints. I don't believe this will always be the case...but this is J. how I handled this situation. :)
I also read a great book that has given M. great advice on how to handle these situations as you don't want your daughter walked all over and you don't want her hurting either. Yet, you do want her to stand up for herself.
Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades
Michelle Anthony (Author), Reyna Lindert (Author)
Isn't it amazing how early these things start. Good luck!
My daughter, who is also in K, has similar drama with a specific friend (who she also called her BFF, so cute :). The girl was a neighbor, who was so bossy to my daughter - always bossing her around, trying to tell her what to play and what to do. At the beginning of the year, she was her only friend since they knew each other from the neighborhood.
I decided she was going to make other friends and told her that if she is not having fun with this girl, then go play with someone else. To tell her that she is being so bossy and I don't want to play with you right now. And I started talking to her more after school about the kids in her class and who else she liked and talked to. I then asked her if she would like to have playdates with them, and got on the horn with their moms and started inviting them over.
We've managed to expand her circle of friends and she now has a wonderful friend she gets along with so well (and her mom is nice too, yay for M.!), and some other friends too.
It has made the other girl want to get along more, since fun is being had without her when she is so bossy.
I'd say try to expand your daughters social circle a bit, which may give her more play options when her group isn't getting along.
As far as the gummy bear, I'd talk to the teacher specifically to see what the issue was there and let her know your daughter sees other kids getting the gummy bears and feels left out. This also happened to us. On day one of school, my daughter came home upset that the teacher didn't give her a candy and she thought she didn't like her. I get on the phone to see what the situation was and the teacher said she told the kids to come up and get one and Rachel didn't go up (she's a bit shy). The teacher gave her one the next day and all was well. It may be the teacher needs to know she is feeling left out and maybe she can cut her some slack and give her a gummy bear.
I honestly did not think Kindergarten would be so much drama. I wasn't expecting this until much later! I think I'll invite myself to your drinking party.
I have boys and not as much drama, but we've had some moments in K with friends who get into scuffles. I turn it around to my son and have him think it through. For example, my first comment is usually something along the lines of "that doesn't sound fun/nice/etc. Do you think you could have said something different, instead of xxx? When your friend first started to do something you didn't want to do, instead of doing x, is there a better choice you could have made? What do you think you should do next time your friend stops playing because she wants to play something different?" I try to let him come up with the answers, but if he can't, then I'll guide him into something like "Wouldn't it be really fun to find a new friend to play a game with?"
I haven't encountered the "mean" teacher yet, so I'm not sure how to handle that one. (And I'm not saying that she's really mean, but some personality conflicts are inevitable in life, and your daughter and this teacher may be one of them).
the kids stuff sounds like normal 5 year old behavior.. he hit M... he wont be my friends.. he is looking at M.... immature behavior.. but perfectly normal for the age. my daughter is shy so she doesnt really get involved in the drama stuff..she plays alone.
now.. the teachers giving more snacks to certain kids.. I might ask about that.. If they are rewards sof good behavior it might be OK taht some got more than others.. but if not the teacher is being unfair.
Hang on, Mama! It's gonna be a bumpy ride! They ALL do this! You J. tell her to try & make up with her BFF, she more than likely will anywayz...BUT if she doesn't she WILL find another friend...these girlz drive M. crazy! The drama of it all! I SWEAR I don't remember being like this! I am now raising my 12 yr. old grangirl who for all intents & purposes is mine (ours) we have had her since 2 mts. and she & her friends are ALL drama queens! It seems tho' that the 'real' friends are only a quick 'make up' away! The others come & go (with frequency) sometimes there are tears, sometimes there are J. 'mad' stories...My 4 daughters varied in their drama but none to the extent of this one!
Good Luck! AND don't let it get you down!... ;) Oh, and the teacher thing seems to be a constant as well, we have had, 'I don't want to go to school days', I J. tell her that she must go to school & if it get's too bad for her I will go & talk to the teacher/teachers or the girl's mom. I have had to talk to one teacher (I even had to take it to the principal) but that is 7 years of school as she is now in 6th grade. I think you will know when & if it gets to that point.
All you can do is tell her you're sorry this is happening, you're sorry her feelings are being hurt and then try to distract her. You can't get in the middle of kindergarten girl stuff, or middle school girl stuff, or whatever. They are friends one minute and fighting the next. It's the way girls are. J. sympathize and empathize with her and try to help her to move on.
Ah, buckle up, Mama! This is only the beginning! My 10 yr old is in 4th grade. She's been at the same school since preschool, and the drama started then. I could tell in preschool who was going to be the queen bee and the wannabees and it's all played out J. like I predicted. My daughter isn't one of the "popular" girls, but has a few core friends who I like. She went through years of trying to become friends with the mean girls, and felt the sting of rejection many times. I tried to talk to her and make her see that these girls were not nice, and not her real friends, but she really did have to J. figure it out on her own. I had to step back and let her do that, and thankfully she has.
I'll be joining you and Theresa for that drink! I've often said, I'm going to be an alcoholic by the time she gets to middle school. I'm almost there!!!
