How Do I Tell If My Daughter's Friend Is a Bully?

Dear Sam,

You really have a dilemma on your hands. On the one hand, my daughter tends to order her friends about telling them exactly what to say and do. But, she's a very logical child and likes things done in a certain way. There is not a creative bone in her body. Her best friend is pure creativity, no logic and seems to thrive on the structure my daughter provides, so the friendship works well.

I think your daughter's friend sounds very insecure. I wonder how many other children at school play with her or if she has any other friends? Threatening your daughter with the loss of her friendship is not nice and its something you need to speak to her mother about. Just be honest and explain that you hesitate planning a play date because of all the drama that ensues with these threats.

Is she showing signs of being a bully? I don't know, but if your daughter likes playing with this little girl then let them play. Just have the play dates at your house where you can closely supervise or ask the mom to meet you at the park.

I think you need to really watch these two kids play and see if its truly one-sided. I hated teaching first grade because of all the drama, I didn't realize the drama started so young, but it does. I don't think its a question of interfering, its your job to. Little girls need guidance and they need to be shown how to solve problems. Next time your daughter does not want to be the kitty, you need to be there to say, "how about we take turns choosing the game" or "okay Anna you be the kitty for five minutes, then when the timer goes off its Susy's turn to be the kitty."

Teach your daughter now how to deal with a difficult friend. In elementary school she'll need to be able to solve problems on her own and nobody wants their child to be a push-over.

Just keep saying to yourself....this too shall pass.

~N.

Hi Sam,

I can certainly understand your frustration as I was there once myself with my own daughters. In the end I stopped the friendship because everything I tried to do to make it a positive, healthy experience for my daughters did not workout and I did not want my daughters growing up thinking that it was okay for people to treat them like that. I politey explained to her mother the situation and she had no idea what was going on. She was understanding but you never know how people will react when it comes to their children. Personally, I dont feel that your daughter should be around that little girl until things change but every parent needs to do what is best for them and their family. Whatver you decide I wish you the best of luck.

Just from personal experience if you already know that this "friend" is dominant, ask your daughter how she feels about that. It sounds like she is not only dominant but mean. I had a friend in grade school that I didn't tell my mom about half the things she did to me, even though they were mean. What you observe and what goes on behind the scenes may even be worse. Get that girl out of your house or at least teach your daughter how to speak up for herself before she becomes the bullies pet.

I have a girlfriend/ neighbor with the same problem child.... I tell the child flat out NO you may not do that. I send her home for a break... Trust me the child's mother knows how she is... Don't feel bad.. You don't want your daughter to pick up bad habits let alone be abused by some child with issues.