OK, I am unsure of how to teach this to my child because theoretically, I can't say that I disagree with her. She has no problem knowing when she has done something wrong or hurt someone else to say, "I'm sorry" and she truly is remorseful. The problem comes when she plays with a particular friend that can be a bit "dramatic." The friend will say that her sister and my daughter were "choking her" when in reality they were all hugging each other as they slid down a slide, or that someone "yelled" at her when there's a disagreement on a dress up outfit.
My daughter will be 7 in January and is a very concrete thinker and if there's a rule written or spoken about something, she will follow it. She is not one to be pushed around or peer pressured if she knows that she clearly should NOT be doing something. She reads the rules on board games and can be a real stickler!
Anyways, back to the slide incident, she refused to say she was sorry because "she didn't do anything wrong." I tried to impress to her that "no one is trying to blame her" but she should still say "sorry that her friend is hurting, are you OK" but she refuses. Her friend then holds a grudge that my daughter didn't tell her that she's sorry and the playdate spirals downward from there.
This scenario is how most playdates with this friend has gone over the past year that we rarely get together anymore with the kids present because those two usually have some kind of drama usually coming from something that my daughter doesn't feel she needs to apologize for.
I will accept the fact that I have a strong willed child and that will probably never change but I also don't want her to feel like she needs to constantly apologize to someone else when in reality, she REALLY didn't do anything wrong? Please help me gain perspective on this because I am really not sure where I should start on this issue. Thanks in advance!
I wouldn't force her to apologize to someone who gets mad about everything & causes drama over little tihngs. It could work against you & it could make her into a serial apologizer who always feels obligated to say sorry for things she did not do. I would drop the friendship, personally. The girl sounds spoiled, manipulative & controlling.
Well....sounds like a young lady with solid convictions to me.
She's NOT doing anything wrong, so why apologize?
Maybe she could say "Suzy, I wasn't choking you, I was hugging you and if I accidentally hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." ????
OR maybe it's time for a less tightly-wound friend!?
Well, you can start by teaching her that sorry can have other meaning.
"I am sorry your grand mother died" is not taking resposablity for killing grandma, it is being polite and proper. There are lots of other sorrys that you can have that are not fault taking and you can start with how to word things so you don't take blame yet feel remorse.
Personally I stop having contact with this girl. It isn't working out and that is how it is sometimes,
You shouldn't make her apologize for teeny slights to an overdramatic kid.
Rather, she should be honest and tell the other girl that she's acting like a cry baby and a drama queen in order to get attention. I'll bet that if she does that a few times, Drama Queen will stop acting like a baby during play dates.
Peer pressure works both ways. Let your daughter put a little pressure on Drama Queen to help her realize that the world does not come to a screeching halt whenever she sees fit.
I suggest that this is really a non-issue. The two girls do not get along. Avoid her as you're doing. Your daughter says she's sorry at appropriate times. She won't say sorry to this girl because their personalities clash. That's OK.
No more play dates with Drama Queen. I wouldn't make her say sorry if she didn't choke her and I wouldn't apologize to someone as an adult if I didn't choke them.
I actually would not require her to say she is sorry to this drama queen. The girl is manipulating your daughter this way, and the "I'm sorry" is her way of making her agree with her that what she is doing is appropriate. It is NOT appropriate for this girl to treat your daughter this way.
You would do better not to stand on ceremony with stuff like this. Don't make your daughter have play dates with this girl. Your daughter does not fit this mold of "mean girls club" which is what this gal is heading towards. (Junior high, look out!)
You cannot force a square peg into a round hole, which is what you are trying to do. Find friends for her who suit her temperament better. Keep talking to her abut being flexible with people, but don't expect her to apologize to someone who lies and pretends. She will feel that you are more worried about the manipulator's feelings than you are about your own daughter's feelings.
Dawn
No more playdates. You are busy, busy, busy.
I flat out decided one girl was not worth the trouble.
She was the one who acted like this and made up drama. My d won the school bowling contest. The girl cried so much a group of girls yelled at my d that she should have let her win. My d didn't even know she won until they were yelling at her. ARGGHHH
I thought it through. If the other girl is overreacting, we are not responsible for her and trying to make her feel ok again. It is hard to explain to adults and harder to kids.
I talked to the girl's M. at the bowling alley about her crying and let her know that my child is not competititve, did not realize she won, and that she is confused as to why her child is mad at her. I told her I explained to my d she did nothing wrong. The M. understood that her child was being ridiculous and the girl stopped crying.
We had no playdates for several months and the girls begged for one. They had a few good ones, then the g started acting up again and I was done.
Talking to the M. did not help. It made the girl be more sneaky.
Stopping the playdates and changing our schedule to keep away from this girl helped. My d hasn't asked for a playdate in 3 months.
I wouldn't make her apologize, and I'd ditch the dramatic friend for a while. Sure, we all say sorry sometimes for things that aren't "quite exactly" for things we "did wrong" just for the sake of manners, but not to drama queens who go around demanding apologies all the time. Bad combo. No need to force a friendship between these two types.
I would not force her to say she's sorry, when she didn't do anything. Usually with little girls, they are all made and best friends again within minutes. If this is not the case with this little girl and the girl feels entitled to an apology that she is not due, then just don't make any more playdates with her and if your daughter encourages you to make a playdate with her, remind your daughter of how she can be and then if daughter still wants the playdate, make her deal with the drama by herself. It will be a good lesson in social skills, and conflict resolution.
