Not Invited to Bff's Birthday Party ... What Now?

My son just had his birthday this weekend, because it was a sleep over and I was taking them to the movies I told him only 2 friends, that meant a couple of other boys he is close too had to be left out but that is life. It is okay for the parents to set limits even if you think they are well off enough to pay for more kids. Plus, you do not know their financial situation, what kind of debt they have, ect, so you should not make assumptions about what other people can afford to pay for.

My daughter for many years had seperate birthday celebrations because she had various groups of friends... (Theatre friends, grade school friends, camp friends etc). I really wouldn't read too much into it.

i don't know why you're leaping to 'they didn't want my daughter there.'
i had a fourth of july party. i didn't invite you, not because i 'didn't want you there' but because there's a limit on the people i invited.
it sounds like chloe really likes your daughter, that the family is perfectly comfortable with the friendship, and that for this particular occasion they chose (for their own reasons to which you're not privy) to restrict the amount of guests to two, and chloe chose other friends.
it doesn't mean she doesn't like your daughter. it doesn't even mean she likes the other girls more.
it means that on THIS occasion she picked girls she particularly wanted to do this particular activity with, and had to be super discriminating.
the fact that the family is well off has zero to do with this.
if your daughter does something with another friend, she wouldn't be 'excluding' chloe, she'd be doing something with another friend.
i think it's ridiculous to expect that 'inseparable' friends are never allowed to do anything without the other without all these hurt feelings.
and good for you for realizing that the hurt feelings are pretty much all on your part.
i won't say it's not unusual. if they really are BFFs (not just wishfully so on your part) then, yeah, it's a little odd that your daughter didn't get an invitation to this particular event. but with only two guests (again, perfectly acceptable) you just move on.
my boys had some friends they did basketball stuff with, some friends they did horse stuff with, some friends they did homeschool camping things with, some friends who were the video game besties. there was a lot of overlap, but they neither felt compelled to invite everyone, nor butthurt for more than your daughter's five minutes if they were 'excluded' from something.
take your sensible daughter's lead in this.
khairete
S.

Are the other two girls friends with each other and not your daughter? One reason may be if Chloe felt your daughter wouldn't have fun with the other two or something like that. Some kids don't mix well. One of my daughters surprises me by turning down invitations sometimes if the group includes certain girls. She says it's not worth it bc of how things go. Maybe that was it?

Updated

Are the other two girls friends with each other and not your daughter? One reason may be if Chloe felt your daughter wouldn't have fun with the other two or something like that. Some kids don't mix well. One of my daughters surprises me by turning down invitations sometimes if the group includes certain girls. She says it's not worth it bc of how things go. Maybe that was it?

Your being overly sensitive because you said your daughter got over it in 5 minutes. For some reason, Chloe only wanted to invite 2 friends. Nothing wrong with that. She's close friends with your DD. And it's likely she's just as close friends with a number of other girls too, which is actually very healthy. If Chloe invited every girl in the class except your DD, or every girl from her church group except your DD, or every girl on the block except your DD, or 30 kids but not your DD, that's just unkind, but just inviting 2 or 3 girls out for skating? I wouldn't even call that a party, more like a outing. Maybe the other girls planned it for Chloe as a gift or something. You really don't know. Sure it was a little insensitive for Chloe to FaceTime her right before and after, but Chloe is a 4th grader, she's thinking like a child, and not an adult would about timing and discretion. I think you should let it go, especially if Chloe is otherwise behaving like a nice friend and your DD isn't even bothered by it anymore.

I suggest Chloe could only take a limited number and because she FaceTimed your daughter before and after, I would consider the possibilty there is a reasonable reason for not inviting your daughter to the rink.

What does your daughter say about this? Perhaps.the two girls planned this?

I might be upset. I would first have my daughter tell Chloe that she was hurt, if she was hurt, by not being included and see how Chloe responds. Because they are good friends and spend a lot of time together, your daughter should ask.

I suggest letting the girls work this out for themselves.

I would sympathize with my daughter and then let matter drop without making a fuss. Actually, I have done this with my daughter and granddaughter when they are disappointed.

I need to know how your daughter feels and why in order to give better suggestions.

After your addition. Sounds like your daughter briefly felt hurt and that their friendship is strong enough to get past this. Also consider that you can't know why this happened. I suggest you are holding on to the assumption your daughter was left out in order to hurt her. These girls are 7, just beginning to learn about social graces. It's tough on moms. We want to protect our children from unhappiness. Life does not always go smoothly. We learn by going through those bumpy places.

Well we had friends whom we had known since our kids were toddlers, we socialized, we even traveled together a few times. Our daughters were absolute besties. But around ten years old they grew apart. It happens, kids grow up and don't always stay friends. Sometimes it's harder on the mom than it is on the kid (for sure it was awkward between the parents for a while but we all moved on.) The girls are 20 years old now and even though they never really hung out again there aren't any hard feelings.
Think about it, are YOU still best friends with your best friend from elementary school? Very few people are, people grow and change a lot over the years, it's totally normal.

Over the years, we have had a very similar situation with a neighbor girl who my dd played with a lot. She would continually exclude my dd at parties even after we invited her to all of our parties. We finally stopped inviting her and you would think the sky had fallen - she was incredibly upset and told all the other kids that she wasn't invited. Finally my dd told her that she didn't invite her because she never invited my dd.
After that my kid started getting invitations. I guess they got the message. Anyway, I do think it's incredibly rude for good friends to exclude their other good friends. Frankly I was a bit upset with the mother too. We have done many favors for them over the years...I watch their kids, walk them to the bus stop, etc. I couldn't ever figure out why my kid never got an invitation - I guess she wasn't one of the "cool" kids or perhaps they figured she'd always be available to play with since we're neighbors so there wasn't any reason to develop a friendship.
Either way...the kids are older now and don't associate much anymore (we started going to a charter school outside the neighborhood). but, I will say, it did put a wedge not only between the kids, but the mothers too.

This is why little kids should not be BFFs. Friendships can get so intense, and some kids never get the feeling of not being included in every single thing. That's what builds up feelings of hurt. It's good to branch out! Both Chloe and your daughter need to do things with other kids - which it sounds like your dd does, and which Chloe did this one time.

I'm glad you see that you were way more involved and upset than necessary. Glad your dd bounced back easily.

I do think, by 4th grade, kids should certainly have the idea that sending people pictures or even having detailed conversations about events with people who were not invited might not be the best manners. So I'd use the opportunity to discuss with your daughter that you hope she won't inadvertently hurt another friend by doing this sort of thing in the future.

I think you can take the suggestion below that, if your child is always excluded, she stop inviting that person and see what happens. Either it will be fine, meaning they aren't inseparable, or the Chloe will have a fit and learn a lesson. And I think everyone should stop using the term "BFF" because, by definition, it excludes others and sets up expectations.

Sounds like it's good to have a wide circle of friends.
This BFF has more friends than just your daughter - and your daughter should have more friend than just this girl.
They are not joined at the hip - although it sounds like they almost have been.
It's ok for friends to take breaks from each other.
It's not a slight - nor should this friend feel slighted at all if your girl does things with other people.
Just relax and let it go.

Ask the mom nicely. I've stopped second guessing many things.

If Chloe was limited on the number of kids she could invite to this party, maybe she chose kids who absolutely LOVED skating and were good at it. Not all kids are, nor do all kids enjoy it! Your daughter may have mentioned to Chloe some time ago that she didn't like skating and forgot. Some kids have friends they play baseball with, other friends they go skating with, and other friends they go to music classes with, because these kids are also taking lessons with them or just happen to be very good at it and enjoy it, for example.

Maybe these are kids she doesn't see often, maybe they are relatives, or friends from out of town, so this was planned in advance. Maybe she didn't even have control over who got invited, it could have been mom wanting to invite some kids who don't see Chloe often to have a chance to see her, or her wanting to see some moms she loves, and therefore, the kids are brought to the get-together.

While Chloe sees your daughter and speaks to her all the time, maybe that is not the case with these other kids. Some kids are busy with extracurricular activities, or live an hour away, so meeting up during the week or even on Friday evenings is difficult. Nothing wrong with giving other friends a chance to spend some time with her. If your daughter was so hurt by it, she could ask Chloe to go skating the weekend after, just the two of them, or with some additional friends that they both like, so she won't feel left out.

I was thinking along the same lines as Jane.

Is Chloe good friends with the other 2 girls? Because sometimes the mix isn't right (just like having 3 over sometimes causes problems). Large parties, it's not so much an issue, but if Chloe is pals in this trio and Chloe isn't, then inviting Chloe might not have fit.

I agree - her friend shouldn't be telling Chloe all about it at this age. But that happened to my son at same age - his good neighbor bud told him all about his party. My son assumed he was going. But neighbor boy invited just his school circle of friends. My son was hurt (for about 5 minutes) but we talked about how it was just that gang going. We used it as a learning opportunity.

After your extra message - You are probably calling it right. You may never know know why, but now you know.

It could be that they feel that their daughter is too close to your daughter. They may want her to branch out to other friends. You can't do anything about that.

I'm glad your daughter has already forgotten about it. Let your daughter lead things. And as you have said here about never excluding a child, just keep remembering that as your daughter grows up, and help her remember it too...

If you're friends with the mom, why don't you ask her?

as angry and upset as i might be about it i would do nothing and see if anything else happens. it may be that the other girl took chloe to the rink as a present and that it was not an actual party.

Maybe she didn't think about it, or maybe those other two really enjoy skating? Kids don't think sometimes, and it may have just been an oversight. If your daughter didn't get too upset over it, I'd just move on..

My son hates roller skating, absolutely hates it.. his friend never invites him to his birthday party because its at a roller skating rink.. no hard feelings, just common sense.

Sorry. I would casually mention it to the mom next time you see her. Tell her your daughter found out about the party and was hurt she was not invited.

Now is probably a good time to have the "girls are mean" talk. My daughter and I have this all the time. I tell her that girls can be mean and nasty and you can choose to put up with it, ignore it or call someone out on it. They have to decide which battles are worth fighting and which friends are worth dumping.

I also encourage my girl to be inclusive. The more the merrier. Let's not hurt so-and-so's feelings, let's just invite her. I absolutely refuse to let me kid be a mean girl. Don't know if I will be successful - but I know that she will feel the repercussions i from me if I hear she's being nasty. Oh, the tween years!!

That is so weird. I would coach my daughter to flat out ask her friend why she did not invite her. You daughter's friend probably is equally close (or more so) to those other two girls. My guess would be since she was only allowed to invite 2 friends that someone had to be left out. I think she was facetiming your daughter to try to make her feel included because she probably felt bad about it.