Trouble in Kindergarden

He is missing his dad, see if it is possible that he talk with him even if it is an e-mail. Good luck been there many times.

Aawww. Maybe you can and his dad can work together and get access to webcam where he can talk to his father that away, for alittle while at least until he's able to see him again.

He probably is acting out his anger and frustration with the situation of you and your husband being separated. Look for it to get worse when daddy is deployed. I suggest counseling for him... DO NOT hear that I am suggesting medication...not in the least!! I am merely suggesting that many therapist have ways of teaching your son, 1) how to understand what he is feeling, and 2) how to express it in a more positive way.

I agree with the previous posters in that you should find things to help keep him busy, and that you should encourage him to write letters/email, create packages whatever it takes for him to feel like daddy is still a part of his life regardless of how mommy and daddy feel about each other or where they currently live at the moment.

Make sure your husband spends as much time with your son as possible before the deployment even if it's just playing agame on the floor of the living room so that your son has memories that his dad still loves him. Also talk to your spouse about sending your son cards/letters/emails something once a week while he is gone so that your son knows his daddy is thinking about him...The USO offers a place where your husband can make a video on DVD of himself reading a book or two to his child...This may be a good idea for him to do, or for you guys to film him doing using your camera or webcam so your son can play it whenever he gets to missing his daddy extra.

Good Luck and I hope you are able to work things out in the best interest of yourselves and your son! ;-)

This sounds similar to what happened with my daughter, who's in first grade, and me. Her dad and I had separated in August before she started kindergarten and we had some rough moments, but things smoothed out pretty well. Then her dad and I finalized the divorce this past December. She didn't find out about it until a couple of months later. I had made the mistake of not telling her about it because it hadn't really changed her situation at all. Her weekend visits were still the same and she got to talk to him all she wanted on the phone. But for some reason, the fact that everything was final came as an absolute shock to her. She's smart, too, pulls down all A's and reads grade levels above her own. But she started acting out in ways that were absolutely perplexing.

Her dad's response was to respond with spankings and some harsh discipline, but I didn't feel like that was the right response to the situation. Instead, she and I sat down and had a brief talk about what was going on between me and her daddy and how this was the way things were going to be. And I apologized for keeping her in the dark about the divorce and let her vent about that. Then we discussed her behavior, what was inappropriate about it, and what was going to happen discipline-wise if continued to occur.

So the next day she came home from school and had a good day. I HEAPED on the praise, trying to use a ton of positive reinforcement for a GOOD day. Same the next. We continued to have more good days than bad and she kept getting tons of loving for it. Then it moved to high-fives at the end of the week for an entire week that was good. You get the idea. Once we made it through this faze, I asked her what had been the motivator for her being good, the threat of spankings, or the tons of loving she got for good days. She, with a sly grin, said BOTH! So I guess that would be my recommendation: Made sure he knows what he's doing is not acceptible and set up consequences for those actions, but when he's had a good day, really show him it's appreciated! Good luck and hang in there. You can do it!

He's acting out for attention (especially wants Dad's) 1. Be proactive and start spending lots of time with him preparing for Dad's return and writing...connecting with Dad as much as humanly possible.
2. Make sure Dad know's what's going on so that son knows he expects good behavior.
When he returns, make sure Dad knows you hope he showers love on son and see if his behavior changes. Hang in there!

Does your son get to talk to dad? Letters or phone? If not, I would suggest that you have him write to his dad or draw him a picture and encourage him to tell his dad how he is feeling.
Sometimes having a child draw their feelings or make something with play dough can be very theraputic. Then ask him to "tell you about the picture or what he made". Listen for his FEELINGS. Maybe this will give you some insight into what is bothering him.
I would be it has a lot to do with your family issues and maybe even something else you are not aware of. My son began to act out and we found out that he was being bullied.
If this doen't work, you may want to see about getting him some counseling. Be prayerful and the Lord will guide you. He is there for your family and wants to help. Sometimes answers to prayer come as a thought, sometimes a feeling and other times from others who have honest and helpful advice. I am not saying that my answer is the answer you need, but I do hope that it helps. Best wishes!

Hi C.
I agree with your previous poster that dad being gone has alot to do with it. When my husband worked nights a few years back, we hardly ever saw him. Our son acted out too. I knew it had to do with dad working nights and he never got to spend much time with him. I felt disconnected not seeing my husband so I can imagine how it felt to a little boy. One of the things we did -- dad would leave messages for him on the answering machine everyday, and he'd listen to it every night. Or he would call him and just stay on the phone with him. He always knew dad was just a phone call away. Thank God those night shifts are over with! :)
Good luck.

Willing to bet Dad being gone is a bigger factor than he can express. Does he get to talk to dad often? Does he have any strong male role models right now? T-ball is a great step towards dispensing some of that energy. My mom always said that busy kids were good kids. Try adding swimming or some type of music lesson or scouts as well. Scouts might be good because he'll likely get some male role models. You might also ask the school counselor to have a talk with him. They're specifically trained to help little ones express their emotions in a healthy way. I would also have him start drawing pictures, writing letters, or having him make tapes for his dad on a daily basis so he feels more connected to him. Good luck!

Kids this age can have a really hard time with instability in their lives, but aren't always able to say, " I'm upset because my dad is gone." I would try to offer him as much support through this time as you can. Try talking to him, and you could maybe even provide counseling. Avoid punishing him too harshly. It is in these early school years that children are "labeled" through praise or punishment, and the ones who are consistently in trouble began to think of themselves as the "bad kids" and behave to fit that role. Talk with the teacher about what has been going on. If she is a good teacher, she will take that into account. When I taught, I had kids in my class going through various home changes, and I made sure that they had special things they could do when they were feeling bad. I would talk with them and together we would decide that when they were feeling like acting out they could go sit in the reading area for a few minutes or get a drink of water, and then come back and join us. It is a hard time for all involved, but with caring guidance, he will make it through this rough patch okay. Good luck!

Wow, we are having a lot of the same troubles. Our son had just won a character award, can you believe, and literally the next school day was in trouble. Pretty much from then on. We have tried consequences, and keeping to them, which is hard to do. We have tried yelling, talking it out, a little of everything. Recently he came home with a note, and bad class mark so I decided to try something different. I asked about his emotions when he goes in class, how he feels about each class, science, art, centers, etc. trying to pinpoint what is really giving him issues. It seemed to help a little letting him talk, instead of us getting mad and not addressing the real issues. Not real sure if we found the real issues, but at least talked it out. We ended up letting him take this camo necklace to school that has green in it, so when he's having trouble he can hold that and remind himself to be good. (Green is the color on the behavior chart that means you did okay today). I don't know if any of this will help, but it's good to know mine is not the only nudge in class! Good luck

I've been having similar issues with my son since Kindergarten and he is in 2nd grade now. Every year it seems to be a different set of issues. Although don't give up on Tball because I do think that helped my son and it's a great way to learn team work etc!

I would highly suggest that you contact the school counselor and have them get involved before he is suspended. You should be able to find the school counselors contact information on your school's web site or by contacting the school. Set up a meeting with your sons teacher and the counselor to discuss possible game plans on how to resolve the issue.

If the teacher and school staff see that you are an active parent and are willing to work on this issue they are more likely to work with you on his behavior.

We are still having issues mostly due to my sons lack of self control when it comes to talking. I think having dad away may also be affecting your son. My husband started working nights again recently and that seems to explain my sons recent behavior issues.

Hang in there! Hopefully they will grow out of this behavior. We just have to keep showing that we love and support them but also show that there are consequences (loss of privileges etc.) for negative behavior and rewards for good behavior!

Hi C.,
Sometimes little boys (and girls too) just start trying out to see what they can get by with for a while - starting kindergarten is a milestone for some children. Some adjust and some have harder times than others- BUT, be very careful not to let them put your child on Rittlin- or some other drug that alters behavior. Love and patience with your child will do fine- watch for other behavior changes at home- if there are none-then try to spend a day with him at school to see how he is interacting with his teacher.
It has been my experience with some of my children and even a couple of my grand children that the child is not the problem- rather the teacher is or has been- it may be that he is not ready to take the challenge of kindergarten and holding him back one year will not make any difference. Often, just a little more time will solve the problem. Just don;t let the school force you into putting him on behavior altering drugs. That is the common thing these days- making all the children like robots so they can have more control over the minds. Sorry if I sound harsh, but after raising 12 children, there is not much I have not seen in the school system.
good luck and blessings

I am a Kindergarten teacher and children are not-expressive when it comes to what is wrong with them mainly because they don't know what words to use. I am sure that if the onset was with dad being gone it is probably the reason...children loathe change! Actually a lot of the times it is within the last few weeks of school that the ones who are never in trouble get into the most trouble. It's only for a season don't grow weary, this too shall pass:)

I'll be watching... My son just turned 7 and is in first grade. In the last three weeks he has had 4 days where he lost either one or two stars (out of 5). He has never lost a start before(in Kinder or First). It is for not keeping his hands to himself and not doing what he is told. I have never had to deal with behavior issues at school before and am at a loss. Good luck!!

I think he should see the school counselor. Hope this helps.

As long as you think his teacher is responding to his misbehavior appropriately and helping him learn how to gain his own self control, then you need to talk to him briefly and calmly after each note comes home and then move on. It is very very hard not to get emotional with our children's behavior and take it all very personally, but they go out in the world to learn, little by little, how to best find their place in this world. It is hard to sit by and watch them make mistakes, but these little mistakes are how they learn. If we rescued our children from every little mistake, what would they have to work with when it comes to the big stuff at age 15 or 16?
My oldest son had many a day without a sticker in Kindergarden, but we also had the best teacher ever! She never held on to his misdeeds, she saw the best in him (and every kid I think!) and he is a good student, loves school and has several best friends each year (he's in second grade now). You mentioned T-ball. I found team sports didn't work with this sort of child at this young age and social immaturity. I like the idea of martial arts, as other moms here have suggested.
Hang in there! It does get better.

Sit down and explain to him that no matter how he's feeling, he can't behave that way. And, that you will have to punish him when he does. Then, do so. Punish him in a way that he will never forget it. This includes throwing notes away = lying. Do it now so that he knows you mean business and that you take school seriously. This will help you in the future grades. Also, start giving him some time where you are doing something (that is really nothing) just to allow him time to open up and talk to you about what he's feeling without feeling pressured to do so. Do a puzzle, have him help you cook, pull weeds, etc. He may be reacting to another child. He may have just realized he can get away with it. He may have just realized it gets a certain kid to laugh or like him. He may just be rebelling. He may have something going on inside. But, no matter what you can't allow the excuse to condone the behavior. The excuse/reason will allow you to help him work through the problem. But, if he's like my son, he won't talk to you right away. He will eventually hint at it, but at a later time. Let him know you want to help him, but you have to punish him too.

Wow, my hats off to you. And much gratitude for your husband and his service.

It sounds like he definitely needs some male interaction. There are just some things a mom cannot do. In his Dad's absence, is there an uncle, or grandpa that can help? I know my son gets alot of guidance from his Dad, and without that, I am afraid I would loose some of the control. Just a thought.

Good Luck.

Hi C.,
All the advise is wonderful. I went through a separation while my son was 6 also. Make sure that your son knows how much you and his father love him, and of course you do. In my case sometimes I would get so caught up in "oh no not again, oh when will he get over this" that i would miss the quiet moments to really get connected with my son. Hugs and kisses any time you can!! He may not like it at first, my son says he doesn't like the mooshy stuff but watch your sons confidence rise up. You guys will see that love conquers all. Blessings to your family.

hi

the other answers may be right in saying that the lack of a dad MAY be the problem, but since that may be unlikely to change then you have to tackle it differently.

it may be that he is being underchallenged, or he is bored or beyond his peers in intelligence, or it could be that he is socially awkward.

i had to finally remove my son from school and homeschool him because in prek he was just so difficult for the teachers to handle. he would hit the other children, he flooded the bathroom and threw sand in the other childrens faces, he was a terror. but he was not intentionally being naughty, he just didnt like being in a class with 25 other children, he needed one on one, or at least one on two lol ( i have another child).
i taught him to read and write myself, and do addition and subtraction etc - he is 6 now.

if you are already a sahm mom i would take advantage of texas's extremely liberal homeschooling laws and teach him yourself, who better to teach your child than the one who loves and understands him the most.
he wont pick up horrible habits from the other kids and you can nip nasty habits like the ones he is developing in the bud. you can focus on whatever his difficulties may be, and put him back into the school system a few years down the road after his social skills are a little more developed.

if you want any advice on this i would be glad to help, message me. there are lots of homeschoolers in huntsville and the surrounding areas, and lots of different groups to go to.

It's most likely connected to the dad's absence. Why not write to him and explain what's happening and ask him to call and write to the child and reassure him that he loves him and that he'll be back soon. In the meantime, why not try a conference with the school principal to explain that this conduct is not acceptable and if it continues there will be serious consequences. School is almost over anyway, but until then, he needs to be "brought into camp". Is he also this way at home?

Hi C.,
You made it sound like you and your husband have been seperated due to fall out.As i read on your husband is away being a warrior and you feel like your a single parent.Be proud and remember your a married woman of a warrior and a mother of 2 children not single.
Your son is probably acting out because he doesn't have his father around and is dealing w/it in the things hes doing. Just remind him that you would like to tell nothing but good reports to his dad when he returns.He may need some counseling on how to deal w/the changes in his family.Children at that age are very bright and act out when they don't know how to deal w/certain situations and most of the time they are not going to sit and have a discussion w/their parents w/what is bothering them.
There is a place called Safe Place w/GREAT counselors that offer counseling to children of all ages here in Austin w diffrent locations in town.I've used their services w/2 of my children and wonders it did.They work w/many insurace carries or on a sliding scale or they even have a grant for children,so services can be given to all who need it.
We as parents have to be responsible for our children and get them the help they may need when needed for them to grow up being healthy strong adults.Soooo get your little guy some help so he can vent whats going on inside.

Has he started any new medications lately? A lot of allergy medications can cause behavioral changes--off label side effects that many doctors are either unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge. You can find a lot of anecdotal information online.

You certainly have other things to legitimately consider-- some children don't deal with change as well as others. You might consider talking to the school about any therapy evaluation that is available. It may just take CHANGING a few things at home to help him deal with this change.

C.,

I don't have any experience with family separation and my children. I do have some experience with a bright child who has misdirected energy and emotions. So, I'm going to suggest something that may seem to be from "way out in left field," and that is Martial Arts.

My son, who is really bright went to Tae-Kwon-Do. He started as a Tiny Tiger, climbed through all the belt colors and is currently an orange belt. The Martial Arts teach discipline, respect and SELF CONTROL. In our group, they are not only rewarded and/or reprimanded for decisions in the class, but for those at home and in school. They are rewarded for good grades, but get nothing for poor or mediocre ones. Parental consent must be given for promotion to the next belt. It is hard, because of pride in your child to deny advancement, but I did once. Brian was blowing off school, acting up in Tae-Kwon-Do, but was eligible for promotion due to his skills. So I denied permission and explained why to both him, and his instructor.

I don't know if this is the answer for your child, and do know that it won't fix everything. But, it would instill some confidence in self and discipline. It might be worth a whirl.

The family issues are another thing entirely, and I know that you must work through them for him to adjust and manage those matters, I know that my advice doesn't address that part. I just wanted to give you something to chew on that will help him direct his emotions and gain some control of his actions.

Kindest regards and best of luck.

B.