My Seven Yr Old Son Is Becoming a Bully and Not Doing His School Work

I agree with Carrie. There is something going on. I recommend councilling, but you may want to look into other possible problems, ADD, learning difficulties, hearing or vision loss. He may also have difficulty making friends. There are all kinds of possibilities. Have you and the teacher and the administration been working on this together through the school year? Good luck.

Hello A.,

Your post didn't give us much detail about what you've already tried so the suggestions you get might not be so helpful. I guess you held your son back in kidergarten because of maturity issues but were there also academic issues? I think you said your son was not doing his work and that is also a RED FLAG.

In general, kids need incentives to learn new skills and consequences when you know that they understand expectations but choose not to comply. As as Learaning Coach, I work with kids who are struggling in school and sometimes they have a Learning Difference. Many times their behavior at school was as the class clown or the bully because of undetected learning disabilities. In general, kids "act up" for a reason i.e. boredom, or a need to stimulate the brain as in ADHD, or a need to control others because he feels controlled by someone else etc.

It may be wise to try to discover the "why" behind the "what". Developmentally speaking, 7 year-olds like to please you and they care about what you think of them and thrive on praise (you notice them being well behaved and you point it out). Your child will know that you love him when you take the time to have a heart-to-heart (being calm and concerned) talk with him and try to find out why he is picking on kids. There is always a reason so don't take, "I don't know for an answer." He might tell you that he is angry and then you need to teach him acceptable ways to deal with his anger. You might find out that someone else is abusing him and he is acting out what he is experiencing. But you might find out that he feels badly about himself and he is using his brawn to cover up for feeling insecure and sad over finding the academic part of school a challenge.

With such limited information, the reader of this post doesn't know the extent of your son's bullying and it is difficult to say if the solution is a simple incentive chart to encourage positive bahavior, more formal anger management training or a further research to explore conduct disorder or oppositional deficit disorder.

Your post said, "I don't want to punish him and have him think I don't love him." Keep in mind that true discipline comes from the intent to teach and train in order to improve a skill or a behavior. A consequence for pushing a kid in line at school might be to write a note of apology to the student which teaches your son to admit that he did something wrong and take responsibility for his actions. Then he needs to do one nice thing for that kid to experience what "kind" behavior feels like. In my opinion, that is love.

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A.....I would probably start with a visit with his teacher and get some advice. You need to put your foot down and not let him be the boss. It will only get worse as he gets older if you lose control. You need lots of help. M. B.

I sort of agree with the other posts in that he is acting this way for a reason, you need to do what you can to get to the bottom of it, and that something like a martial arts class or something would be a great way for him to "release the excess energy" in a more appropriate way.

It could be that he wants your attention, and negative attention is better than nothing.

I'd probably find some sort of activity for him - whether it's gymnastics, soccer, little league stuff, martial arts, whatever. There are all kinds of programs at YMCA's. He could play sports at school, or maybe practice with and/or help out with the team....like an "equipment manager".

I'd try that before taking him to counseling. When I was a kid, my mother took me to a counselor, and I was bent that I wasn't going to tell that doctor anything. There wasn't anything wrong with me - I was the second of 4 kids, and wanted my parents attention and wasn't getting it.

Good luck!

Hi A.,

I would suggest that you call a developmental pediatrican and have a full evaluation as soon as you possibly can. This is not your regular doctor, they can be found at every children's hospital, and it will take some time for you to get an appointment. You need some serious answers from professionals.

I work as an advocate for special needs kids, and holding kids back creates a situation for you that requires action. Kids are compared to their grade peers developmental level, and therefore, issues of delayed development are not addressed as early as they should be by school districts, so you have to make up the lost year with private services as soon as you can. Early intervention is the biggest factor in the success of almost every single intervention there is so you have no time to waste in getting a diagnosis and an intervention plan for him.

I would not even begin to speculate what the issue is, but it could be, but there is no doubt that he needs evaluation and targeted intervention sooner rather than later.

M.

If he's becoming a bully, what about getting him into some type of martial arts class? They would teach him how to respect people, the art, and how to detain himself. It does wonders for kids. Also, the kids he's bullying, drive him to their house, make him walk up on his own while you stand about 10 feet back, just far enough that you can hear what he says still, and make him apologize and tell the kid and his mother how wrong he was. Give the child your cell phone number and tell him if your son bothers him to please call you and you would keep it private. If you allow your son to bully, knowingly, and one of those kids just happens to be suicidal and therefore takes his life in return, your child's life will basically be revolved around guilt for the rest of your life as will yours. As far as his schoolwork, clear out his room down to only his bed and clothes. Tell him that every week his teacher gives you a good report, he will earn one thing back. Sometimes you have to strip your child of everything in order for him/her to realize that you mean business. If he's in trouble, but still allowed to play video games, play with tons of toys, and still be surrounded by all the things he loves, then life really isn't too bad.

There is a reason your son is acting like this and you've got to get to the bottom of it. It's sounds like it's not something you can handle on your own. I understand you are single and expense of that, however you've got to get him some counseling!!! Kids who act this way, have usually had something happen that is causing it. I don't think punishing him is your total answer at this point and time. Goodluck!!

Perhaps him turning into a bully is a cry for your attention. There is harsh that is bad and there is harsh that is positive to a child, if you don't get hard on him about it, he'll turn it on you. Sit him down, find out why he wants to bully these other kids and why he doesn't feel the need to do his homework. Make him sit down every night and not be allowed to leave the table until his homework is done and checked. Tell him that the school might kick him out, it might force him to give a reason, maybe someone was a bully to him and he's trying to protect himself or be cool.
My sister went through a situation very like this with my nephew, who's the same age.

One thing that popped out at me reading your request was: "I don't want to punish him too harsh and he think I don't love him." You cannot be afraid to discipline your children. They will have lots of friends, but you are their only mom.
Of course there is discipline that is too harsh, but not disciplining your children when it is required is nearly as cruel. Children need to know that there are rules, and rules must be followed. If they don't learn this from you, their whole lives will be difficult.
Your biggest job as a parent is to prepare your children for the real world. Teachers, principals, bosses--they all expect you to follow the rules. You don't have to be mean about it, just set reasonable limits and reasonable punishments, and be totally consistent. In the long run, your children will love you more for it.

Hi, A.! I'm sorry to hear that your son is having some trouble at school. The first thing that came to my mind after I saw that you are a single mom, is that he may be trying to get some more attention from you. As a married mom of three, I find it hard to pay attention to all of my kids at times, so I could only imagine how hard it could be for you to find time to spend with your kids when you are taking care of everything on your own. I commend you for being a strong woman! Maybe you can make sure you try and spend just 15-30 minutes each night with him playing cards, a board game, going for walks, playing outside, letting him help make dinner or deciding what to have for dinner, whatever he might like to do. Maybe he's just acting out because he's looking for attention. I see that with my boys, and when I stop what I'm doing and spend time with them, they seem to act better. I wish you the best of luck, and I praise you for being such a great mom to your two kids! Keep up the hard work!

Not to sound judgmental, but maybe, based on your e-mail, you're too soft on him. You HAVE to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT! Talk about appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. Talk about ALTERANTIVES to the bad/bullying behavior. What could/should he have done to get attention WITHOUT bullying. AFFIRM AFFIRM AFFIRM positive and helpful behavior. If attention if part of the issue, teach him to get it from positive behavior not bad behavior.

If you give an inch......he'll take a mile. MAKE SURE HE KNOWS WHO IS IN CHARGE!!! DISCIPLINE IS A SIGN OF LOVING A CHILD, NOT ABUSE, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT VERYBAL or PHYSICAL ABUSE. Appropriate CONSISTENT discipline and boundaries are what EVERY child needs. How can they have boundaries and discipline as an adult if they don't as a child? IT MUST BE TAUGHT!!! Use EVERY opportunity to talk about it!

The advice on getting the developmental exam is a good one. I'll bet he's got underlying issues that are making it difficult for him, and that's why he's acting out. His frustration is being expressed by his bullying. My son was much younger when he was diagnosed with developmental delays due to sensory processing dysfunction, and his occupational therapist suggested gymnastics to help with gross motor issues. That in turn helped with his fine motor problems. Fencing and martial arts were also recommended, but in our case, the martial arts was a bit too noisy (he's hyper-sensitive, and the snapping of the uniforms really hurt his ears). Good luck A.!

Read Bible stories and Saint stories, and teach him about Jesus! And Pray for his spiritual needs.

God Bless

Have him tested to see if there is an underlying root to the problem. The school system, itself can provide testing to start the process. Talk seriously with your child's physician and get him outside testing and some counciling if needed. There can be a lot of reasons for this type of behavior.