Hello Mamas...this morning, as every morning, I brought my son to school and his teacher approached me asking if there's something going on at home. She said my son has been aggressive lately, disruptive in class and even bit a classmate, which made me really upset. I noticed that he's been more reactive lately and he 's being a little harder to handle, more mouthy (nothing bad, just not being quiet while scolded) and surely i find it more difficult to have him follow the usual, routine, rules, like brushing teeth in the morning/at night, getting off the tv etc...I did mention to the teacher that i see him more irritable at home too and I asked her if there are tensions in the class.I also mentioned that i know that my son has a reactive/aggressive nature (his father was/is exactly the same) but that I believe we (teachers and me) can address that and channel his energy in a more positiveway. He is also a very sweet, sensitive, affectionate child. She said that she would have not told me anything if she thought it hadn't become a problem (I guess in the classroom) since he won't listen, and i said, well, other than having a peaceful environment at home and punishing him (time outs with explanations) i don't know what else to do! She also said (and this is interesting) that sometimes he covers his ears with both hands and not only when there are loud noises...he seems to do that a little too often for not being noticed...what could that mean? Perhaps am I screaming too much lately since I have to be harder on him? I must add that we are far away from his daddy, we live in two different countries, they see each other through skype almost everyday and last year his dad came to visit 4 times (which is a lot). My son has just started to ask about his daddy more often lately, which he didn't do before, he asks me when daddy comes or when are we going to daddy...the other day he broke my heart because during a skype session he asked his daddy:"why don't you come here where I am?" and his daddy answered:"Why don't you and mommy come here?" which is awful as a response for a child..it was a non-response, really, since I am not going to reunite with him. Could it be that my son starts to be uncomfortable because daddy is not near? Thanks in advance.
I dont think it's really related to your separation. He's 4 and is going through a phase and you need to teach him how to channel his feelings better. Just spend some one on one with him, play, talk, encourage him, and answer all his questions. He kind of seems like he's acting like he doesnt have a voice and no one listens to him. Do more listening and less yelling at him. Sounds like he needs some TLC and positive attention.
You might also think about some counseling. I know it's nothing yet, and he's probably just going through a stage, but you stated that his father had a reactive/aggressive nature and in order to stop that, you might start now....or at least soon.......And he might tell a counselor more about what is going on in his head too.....
My guess is, he is with kids who speak of their dad during the day, and he's not really able to tell them anything much about his since he doesn't have him on a daily basis..........talk to him about that.........in his terms that he can understand........be sure to always ask him what he learned at school today, how it was, etc......
When they grow up and move out, you always think about the "I'm busy right now, we'll talk later" conversations that never happened.......so take it from someone who knows......the house can wait, the laundry will still be there, and the kids can help cook, not be in the way.......so be sure to include him more.....I wish I had even tho I have 4 of them!
Good Luck, take care and I'm sure you'll do just fine.
I am divorced and I have a little boy who is 6. His daddy also has a very aggressive nature. I would love to think that he is not ever going to have any of his daddy's tendencies but he is already showing them. I know why his daddy is so so mean and I try to counteract all of these negative emotions that he gets from his dad with positive ones from me. It seems to help lots and we spend time playing board games, having sleep overs, or even baking cookies. His daddy lives in the same town and there is a little attitude change when the little guy comes home from his dad's house. These are very trying years for the youngster. Give him a strong routine, be consistent with discipline, and be sure to let him know that you love him and appreciate his help.
Counseling can be expensive but a lot of employers have an EAP program that can help. I think it may help him be a stronger person and find piece within himself.
The things that have worked best with my daugher are just consistency and communication. First, you and his Dad need to have a consistent story on why he is living where he is and why you are where you are - it can be as easy as his job is there, my job is here, etc. Then, both of you give him the same answer as he asks, this keeps him from being a pawn in the "why don't you move where I am" game. And, it gives him a solid answer that he can rely on. And, talk to him about it - I have to tell my daughter frequently, "I know you're sad about Daddy, and it's ok to miss him, but he is working, he wants to come see you and he will as soon as he can." Try to keep your annoyance with his father out of your conversations (as hard as that might be!). My daughter tends to ask for her Dad more when she's ticked off at me. If she's in trouble, she starts asking for her Dad, i've finally realized it's not really so much that she misses him then, but more a grass-is-greener thing that if she's in trouble here, she'd rather be there. So, I just try to answer calmly that he's out of town and she'll see him on XX day and then get back to the issue at hand.
The toughest part is trying to keep yourself calm and level at home. It's hard to keep a happy face when you're going through what you are, but he needs you to be the rock. Keep your rules and your routines consistent and don't let it slide because you feel bad for what he's going through. He'll feel more stable when he knows what's expected. He's going to complain and push boundaries, but just stick it out and it'll get easier eventually.
I know it's tough - hang in there. Good luck!!
"Why dont you and mommy come here" is a reasonable response, but I could also assume that maybe daddy brought it up with you before and didn't get a positive response. When parents (divorced or not) can't come to an agreement or deal with the subject matter peacefully together, then the child will be caught in the middle eventually. The parents probably need to come up with a plan together, and explain that plan to the child once it's finalized. Even if children know whats happening and knows what divorce means, there is a part of them that won't accept it.
If you've ever been forced into a bad situation (maybe in your job or something) against your will or control, then you probably understand the frustration and stress a child feels. Even if both parents are peaceful and it's a good situation, the child still is forced into something pretty awful that it does not want.
Find more activities that the child likes to do, to keep him busy several days a week. A lot of people try to get their children interested in martial arts, or music lessons, dancing lessons, chess clubs, boy scouts, church kids groups, things like that. Structured activites/routines like these can help keep their minds busy on positive things. A lot of activities like the boy scouts only meet once a week for an hour or so, and you would need more than one activity. Martial arts schools have schedules that let kids come several days of the week, and give them objectives to reach and rewards.
My son acts the same way and his father is around--though he does work a lot and isn't home much in the evenings. I think 4 yr. old boys just go through a daddy phase. They know there are differences between men and women and want to copy their male role models.
My son also does the covering of his ears and has some other quirks that popped up recently--just think they are quirks for attention and will go away when he matures. Tell the teacher to have patience with the child, he will grow out of it! If you keep getting reports and the teacher continues having a hard time, you may need to change teachers--for the benefit of your teacher and your child. I changed teachers for my son and it made such a difference.
Hang in there.
The problem may be daddy related, but the covering of the ears made me wonder if he might be on the spectrum for autism - just asking because there is a lovely child at my church that this sounds a lot like - very sweet & sensitive and then can be very loud and aggressive - very high functioning aspergers - maybe that is it. Maybe it is just acting out that his dad isn't there and in class other little boys talk about what their daddy does with them and your son is jealous. You know I do think it was VERY UNFAIR that your ex asked him "Why don't you and mommy come here?" That would definitely leave a 4-year-old feeling helpless or at least wondering why you won't move to where daddy is.
I am a divorced momma who left my husband when my son was 4 - we had some issues, no issues at school though. He is 13 now and I think a well adjusted young man. One thing I can offer is prayer - God can get you through anything! ;-)
