Need Help with Husband Issues ?

You need to call your local DHS office and social service agencies and ask what type of financial support that you can get if you leave your husband. If it has gotten this bad and he is being abusive then you need to find a contingency plan. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with until you are on your feet? I am sure that you are a competent, intelligent woman and your husband is trying to make you feel small so that you won't be strong enough to leave. If it is as bad you say it is then get out.

S.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. First, do you have family that you can rely on? If so, go straight to them for help. If not, maybe friends or a minister, church members? Anyone.

I was once in a marriage that my husband called me names and told me no one would ever want to be with me. Guess what? He was wrong! I left him and have now been happily married for almost 12 years. No one deserves to be verbally abused like that and especially in front of their daughter. When I was in the 3rd grade I had to get checked for ulcers because I was under so much stress from my parents fighting. Staying in a verbally abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your daughter.

You say you have no means to take care of yourself and your kids. I hope you have family to reach out to. Plus, I'm no expert but there is something called Child Support. So he will have to pay. There are programs available, you just need to do some research. If you don't have a church, maybe go to one and talk to the pastor. There is always someone to help.

K.

S., I am new to the area but I'm sure there are resources out there for you to pursue. It might be tough at first but think about the long term outlook for all of you. Your daughters are watching this as well and it can definitely hurt them too.
Good luck. I hope someone can point you to the right direction. I'm assuming there is no family around since you didn't mention them but might be something to consider too.

Hey S.,

Well it looks like men acting stupid again. It seems that things are fine until they get married even though that things didn't change before but the certificate is what makes them stupid.

My girlfriend last Dec had her husband leave a week before xmas she has 3 children and she had no job and had to pay rent on a house. Here is what I did to help her. She moved in with my mom so she didn't have to pay rent. I called the village that she lived in and they lead her to churches and different organizations. They gave her gift cards for gas and for food. They also gave her the number for a crisis center near her. I would however apply for public aide you having nothing to loose. You will get it even if your living with family.

If you have family or friends that live near you to help you out with a place to live that would be great to. You can get state help as far as medical for you and your daughter. I would take advantage of that.

I wouldn't worry about him taking your daughter away from you. They say things like that because they know how to push your buttons and like any mother you would do anything for your child. I would live off the state for awhile to get back on your feet. You may not want to do it and you maybe afraid of what other people think but you can do it. Hold your head up high and just do it. Your a stronger person no matter what anyone says.

As far as meeting someone else down the road you can do it. He is just saying again stupid things to you because if you did leave him he doesn't want to see you happy. So he is going to knock down your self esteem.

Its easier said then done but you can do it. You don't want things to turn uglier than they are. If you don't do it for yourself do it for you daughter and your unborn child.

I hope that this helps....

S.:

I guess it is too late to ask why you got pregnant again, when you are so unhappy with your husband!? Your a bad mother if you leave him?? But a "good father" can yell at you, in front of his daughter? The comment "no one will ever want to be with you," is simply his way of controling you. 1-Just because he will not go to counseling, doens't mean you can not go on your own (and I suggest that you do).2-Staying with an abusive man just because you feel that you can not support yourself, is not a good enough reason. I am not advising you to leave him however, if you did leave, he would have to pay child support and you could get a job. Many single moms/dads do it, and so could you! Stop letting him control you, and smash your self-esteem.

A. L

All I can say is that my heart aches for you. I will be praying for you and your precious little family. I hope that is okay to say on here. I don't have small children now, but I remember very well how it was to have babies. It is one of the most difficult times in a woman's life. One of the things that saved me when I had little ones was to have a strong support group of other mothers. Husbands just cannot meet all our emotional needs. I have been where you are, and somehow, with God's help stuck it out. I can truly say it has been worth it. I have been married for 26 years now and am extremely glad we made it through those tough times.

Hi S.!
Im so so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. My Father was very verbally abusive, and i remember hearing him say horrible things to my mother. They divorced when i was 6 after her taking him back a few times and also having a second child. It was really hard for her but she DID meet someone new and he is the most amazing person! He took care of us like he was our father. He did everything for us where as my father did very little. I love my father very much but have very little respect for him. He still to this day bad mouths my mom, but i know that it because he still loves her and knows he was an ass! The point of my story is that you have to do whats right for you and your children. He is trying to scare you into staying with him. If you TRULY want him out you need to be firm and tell him that if he wont leave then you take more drastic meausres. I dont want to give you bad advice, but i really beleve that you need to start fresh if he isnt willing to change a little. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE NEW! Good Luck and keep your chin up, there is always light at the end of the tunnel!

S.,
I would try approaching your husband and tell him you need to talk through these problems with out fighting. Tell him that even if these problems are your fault (which I'm sure they are not entirely yours) then you need his help in going to counseling and getting it fixed. Tell him you are not placing all the blame on him that you both have a hand in this marriage, but that you have to work together as a team to get through this rough time. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, but pleas remember that if things are getting to the point that you are truly afraid for you or your children's safety, don't hesitate to find help.

Please do not let him whittle away your self esteem so easily, S.. You have every opportunity to find a great guy if your current relationship doesn't work out. And why should that bother you now anyway? Focus on you and your children and making things right. You have a toddler and an infant on the way and I don't think there is any judge who would even entertain the thought of seperating you from your children. If you want extra insurance regarding custody or visitations, then I would suggest you breastfeed your second child and guarantee at least a year or so of sole custody. There are services and aid programs available to help single mothers. Check out the Rose Brooks Center, Aid to Dependent Children and Woman, Infants, Children (WIC)Aid. There are countless mothers who raise their children solo and do a damn fine job of it on very small incomes.

Change things now. If you have a fight this evening, stop and ask if you can resume the conversation after your daughter is asleep. When he yells, you remain calm and ask him to do the same. Ask him to come to counseling WITH you to help YOU, if you think that may help. It is very hard to go against your gut reaction to just get angry and yell right back at him or to cringe and crumble into tears. Stay strong for you and your children. Keep your head up, remain in control and know that you have other options and don't have to stay if you feel unsafe. Go to family or friends, if needed. Even a temporary seperation may help both of you step back and take a better look at things instead of just rehashing through the same issues with a heated fury. Listen to your instincts. You say you aren't sure how much you can handle, so act now!

I send you a truck load of positive vibes and hope that your life gets back into the happy zone very soon. I wish you well during your pregnancy!! Please feel free to contact me if you need anything at all, S.!