My husband is a flex security officer. His crazy ever-changing shifts cause many problems in our relationship. Having to reschedule appts. after they've told us he'll have off, he's hardly ever home when my daughter and I are awake, and when he is home he's so tired he's either sleeping or calling me very nasty names and saying all kinds of nasty things to me (and of course in front of our daughter who rarely leaves my side)while helping me out with errands, chores, or just going on outings together as a family. Already i've told him many times that his language upsets me, and recently explained to him that the way he talks to me makes a permanent impression on our daughter and will on our future little one. He seemed to understand and doesn't do it as often, but still talks to me badly often enough and thinks apologizing afterwards will erase the damage. Any suggestions on how to better approach the issue? I love my husband dearly for so many other qualities and I don't want just this one issue to go unresolved and break up our marriage.
THank you for everyone's responces and advice. I have tried the "what if"s and he always says he would not have our daughter being treated that way by a guy, but just doesn't see that he acts the same way. Anyhow, I am going to try counseling. We've done it before and it helped alot. THank you everyone.
Please please please go to counseling. He sounds like a good man who just needs a little help getting out his frustrations.
Counseling sounds like a great idea. You might also consider having him evaluated for depression. Antidepressants can help a lot with situations like this!
"He seemed to understand and doesn't do it as often"
He seems to be willing and trying to work on it. Some of the other suggestions seem quite good, but I would like to add that habits ARE hard to break. You say he doesn't do it as often. What is your reaction when he DOESN'T? Reward the progress. Let him know you have noticed he is working on it. Say "WOW! thanks for saying that nicely. I really appreciate the effort your making to treat me better." (And finding ways to treat him better too wouldn't hurt.)
The army is not the problem, don't make excuses for him. Both my husband and bother-in-law are in the army. While they use the language when at work or deployed they understand they can't do that at home, kids or no kids! Remember your daughter is most likely to pick men like her father to date and marry, so he needs to change this for a lot of reasons.
Do not sugar coat if for him, give him an ultimatium. What your daughter witness will make an impression on what self respect she will ask for when she gets older. Do not let him talk to you that way period. A huge reason I am divorced is my ex was verbally abusive and insulting to me in front of our kids and I was done, period. I asked him to stop, would break down in tears and it just never got better. My son would never think it was okay to treat women with disrespect and I gave him the choice to go seek counseling or get out, he left.
Kids mimic what they grow up around and you want your daughter to always know it is NEVER okay for anyone to talk to her like that, at all ever.
Sorry doesn't cut it, changing the behavior permenantly does.
If he cannot control himself and starts, just walk off and tell him you will not allow him to talk to you like that, get your daughter out of the room immediately if he even a tad hints he is going in that direction! Then if he continues, tell him to leave or seek counselling and do not give in! As Dr Phil says (don't watch him anymore) but he said we teach people how to treat us, so if you don't like it, don't tolerate it!! Hang in there, hugs!
Sounds like your husband has a habit that is damaging your marriage and family, but otherwise is a great man/husband/dad. My husband is a Dr., and when in residency and lacking sleep he could get very sarcastic. I learned not to take it personally, and sent him to bed-- he needed sleep!
The habit though that WE fought about was me. I was always leaving projects out, drawers and cupboards open. No matter how hard I tried, I would forget sometimes. We finally agreed that for one week I would commit to cleaning up my project before starting anything else. And my husband brought me flowers, and agreed to compliment and encourage my efforts rather than criticize them.
So, if your husband can see and appreciate that his words/language toward you are hurtful to your marriage and family and agree to stop, it might help to look at the problem as changing a habit. If you can come up with a plan together for how to change the habit in a behavior-modification strategy, one step at a time maybe it would strengthen rather than tear apart your marriage. Some sample ideas: he could have to pay a "fine" for saying certain words, into a jar, which will be used to take you on a date when it is full. Another idea is that when he is caught saying something destructive, he needs to say three things he is thankful for about you.
If you have a Bible, the book of James talks about the power of the tongue for harm or for good in pretty blatant terms, and helped me as a college student swear off gossip. In fact a whole group of us agreed to do the "three positives" for every negative that we caught ourselves saying about anyone. I don't gossip anymore!
Best of luck, and blessings to you as you work together with your husband to make your marriage strong!
S.,
What is it that your husband is so angry with you about, that he is verbally abusing you? Which is totally uncalled for in front of your daughter! Not only is he verbally abusing you, but your daughter is being emotionally abused too. It sounds as though he has some real issues and is taking whatever he is angry about out on you. I would first put my foot down and tell him he is not to talk like that to you in front of your daughter let alone, you. Maybe part of his stress is because there is going to be a new little one coming along, along with his job. Is he happy about your pregnancy? I would suggest that you both need to go to counseling so that he can start vocalizing what is bothering him. It sounds like he also needs to be going to anger management classes. If this is how it sounds ,it is Emotional Abuse and needs to be dealt with, especially since you have a new addition to your family on the way. It is not going to get any better on its own. If you let this continue, it is only going to wear on you and make you feel bad about yourself and lose your self-esteem. Not only is it going to effect you, but it will have severe emotional effects on your daughter. If he refuses to go to counseling and this behavior continues, you need to leave until he decides whats really important. I am only telling you to leave at the point that you gave him a chance and he did not decide to do anything about it. And, if he is verbally abusing you as you say he is, this is Abuse. It might be a good for you to get involved in a bible study or some type of moms group for a support system. When you are going through hard times it really helps to have friends that you connect with that can help support you.
Oh S....I watched my brother-in-law say terrible things to my sister in front of their children for years. It was awful...everything from stupid to fat. One time I was in the back room playing games and his mouth flared up...the children came into the room and told me they were afraid of their dad. It was just terrible for her and them. Well, she stayed with him and his mouth never did quiet down despite his efforts. He knew it was wrong, but her really did lack control. Turns out he has clinical depression and with the help of medication, he's great. If only he could have overcome his ego earlier and just reached out for help...but my sister enabled his behavior and denial by just staying and wishing he'd stop. The damage was done...he never did reach out for help until my niece and nephew were grown. The words did not stay just for my sister...as the children grew older, they spread to them. So the very real possibility is that it will not get better without help, it will only get worse. I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can stay in a solution, no matter how scary it might be. Terrible conditions can become dangerously comfortable.
Sounds like he needs some post army counselling. Sometimes the transition back to a normal life can be difficult. Seek out a therapist with experience with people who have been in the army. They will be able to give your husband useful tools to help him control his temper and change his language habits.
believe me his language and disrespect to you will rub off onto your child and they in turn will think they can treat you in the same manner...and it not only hurts you but hurts your child. Counseling would be a good start....because this does not just go away on its own...
I hope things get better
Everyone before me is right, the army is no excuse to bring it home. And he needs help through counseling or his MD for help. In the meantime, if he is aware of it and is open to the idea. Start a "swear jar", every time his language or attitude gets out of hand, he puts a dollar in the jar for you to use when ever and how ever you want. If he is not open to the fun idea, then give him an ultimatum. Unfortunately you have kids and they have to come first, you would never allow any one else to speak to you or them this way, and their father is no exception. Those babies are gifts from God to you, don't allow them to hear or be apart of this. I doubt you would let them watch this behavior on TV, don't let them watch it in real life either. It is hard to say shape up or ship out because it may not be what you want, but your love for him is not going to change him. Good luck sweety and please don't put up with this any longer!!!! I'm married to my best friend and he has NEVER degraded me for anything. The worst thing he has said was, "I'm disappointed in what you did" and that was the end, he walked away!!! And I probably deserved more, but I gave it to myself, he didn't need to. Take care and good luck...Stand up for yourself!
That is abusive and without dealing directly with the problem, husbands self esteem, violence will increase. This is his problem and if he is unwilling to learn to control himself his outbursts will get worse.
read fasinating wowanhood. it will help sooooo much
Hello S., You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and your daughter is learning fast. I would recommend getting professional help, for just you if he won't agree to it. I also recommend reading, "Real Love," by Greg Baer for perspective and ideas on how to respond to your husband. Trust yourself. There is important learning here for all of you. ~T.
S.,
Whether your husband was in a combat situation or not he may suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. It may be that he honestly can't control totally what he says. I have PTSD and I have had to hand our baby to my hubby and lock myself in my room. If it is a possibility see if he can talk to a counselor at the VA. They have a whole staff just to deal with PTSD. It can take years to show up.
Otherwise, when he starts in on you, walk away. Walk away and tell your daughter that its not okay for anyone, not even daddy, to talk to you or her like that. Like you said it has an impact on her. If you stand there and take it that impacts her too. Also your hubby may get the point quicker if you do that.
I know you love him so help him.
Hi S.-
I have four girls and lets say that my husband dosen't always remember that little girls have big ears.
Over the years we have butted heads about his behavior and finally I found the answer. I waited till we were both alone and really relaxed and then I started talking about what if's. What if one of the girls got pregnant at 14? what if one ran away? WHAT IF ONE STARTED DATING A GUY THAT YELLED AND CUSSED AT HER? Of course he would not have any of that!! He would have to teach the guy some manners ( guy thing). Then I explained that little girls marry their daddies and what she sees going on is how she will think it is supposed to be. That that will be their comfort zones. Once he actually thought about having a future boyfriend or husband acting like that to his girls, everything changed. He still has outburst but who dosen't. We don't argue in front of the girls and if things do get heated and were mad one of us will say "Last Word!" Meaning I get the last word for now so there!! Of course the one that is left brewing just gets to stomp their foot. This sends the girls into laughing fits and then we end up cooling off really fast.
Anyway, that is off track, I would suggest transporting your hubby into the future 10 or 20 years and painting a picture of how things could be if his anger continues at this rate. Maybe that will prompt him to get outside help.
My husband has recently resolved (so to say) some of the same issues. Our troubles revolve more around money, however and his transition to the SAHD. My advice would be to keep open lines of communication, try and make sure everyone get enough sleep (that's always a trigger), and continue tell each other how much you love one another in new ways. His behavior has left a mark in my daughters attitude towards him and she flees to me whenever he gets angry, so if you have to remind him of what small things (or big) can do to both of your little people (being in the womb is just as sensitve to sounds and stress). Above all if you really love each other make a pledge for both to do something to keep it going (even though the problems seem to radiate from him both of you making a stand to make it work is better than pinning it all on one person). Dinners out, love notes in his lunch or on the bathroom mirror, mini massages can make a huge difference in allowing you some quality time to take stress out but don't let the anger take over.
Simply ask your husband how he will feel 18 years down the road when your daughters partner is treating her the same way he is treating you now. Girls learn from their daddy's how men should treat them, a girl who's dad treats her mom like a goddess will settle for nothing less and a girl who's dad who treats her mom like a piece of trash will never rise above. DEMAND better, for both of you!
S., if ever it sounded like someone's in need of a career change-- as well as some major changes in attitude and behavior, I'd say it's your husband! I hope for your family's sake he will make those changes.
