Abusive Husband- I Don't Know?

I just read an interesting article in People magazine about Joe Pantoliano that sounds similar. Maybe he is suffering from depression and doesn't even realize it. A good medical evaluation is a good start.

Call your local domestic violence shelter - they should give you great advice on how to be a support to your sister. I completed the 40 hour training at South Suburban Family Shelter, and, wow, that really opened my eyes about domestic violence. He is demeaning her, belittling her - this is abusive. And, the fact that he doesn't do it in front of other people or the kids, means that he is in control. I mean, think about it, that's always the excuse "I lost control", but how many times do you see abusers doing it in public? NEVER. They CONTROL it until they are in private and can let it go.

Hi C.,

Ok I'm probably going to go against most of the responses you'll get. From your description he does not sound like an abuser to me but I do believe that to sometimes be in the eye of the beholder. If your sister feels abused, then she's being abused. I know alot of men, my husband included, who curse when they're upset. Now I do think it's a little harsh for him to call her mother fer but I think it also has to be taken into consideration the argument subject, your sister's response (if she's throwing f bombs then game on) and his general temperment. If this is how he's always been then this is how he expresses himself when he's upset. I'm not saying it's right but it's what it is and if she's unhappy with that then they need to work on their communication skills. My husband used to be very bad with this and would call me all sorts of names but that's because he didn't know how to properly communicate, not because he truly thinks that way of me. I finally was sick of it and told him that whenever we're fighting and he starts name calling I'm walking away until he can talk to me like a human being. Well it's done a world of good for us and he rarely ever curses at me anymore. Truth be told I've been known to throw a few low blows his way too. All I'm saying is that if he's so wonderful in all the other ways you describe then instead of putting the abuser label on him, they should work on their communication style. As for him saying she doesn't have a real job. She should tell him she'll go back to work if he'll do half of all the housework, child rearing and then pay for daycare. I gurantee you that would last 2 weeks if that. That's a crappy thing to say to her and I'd be more upset by that then by a few creative names he may have thrown her way.

I think Kristy C had some pretty good advice. I don't think her husband knows how to communicate and she should have a talk with him about it. After that she should just walk away when he starts to get like that. If he ever starts to verbally put her down or call her names in other situations where they aren't even fighting, than he needs help. If he ever hits her, she should leave him. No excuses then, no second chances, just get out of there!

As for what he said about being a house wife... a lot of men are pig headed like that. Again, I think Kristy C had some good ideas though. Also consider that maybe he is stressed and not doing well financially and feels they need the extra income. She could offer to get a part time job if he stays home with the kids and picks up the slack on the household chores. Either way she should tell him it was a very rude way of asking her!

Sometimes anger is a sign of depression in men. My husband suffers from this and I have seen simular behavior from him. He did not understand why the things he yelled at me would continue to make me upset even after he had appologized. We did some counseling and he is now taking medication which helps him to control his anger. I also try not to take everything he says too personally.

I don't know that there is much you can do to help your sister. Counseling is ideal but if her husband is resistant it may be hard.

I was in physically abusive relationship before meeting my husband. I do agree that your sister and her husband need to work on their communication skills, but do I think that he is abusive, no. Arguments are a part of having a healthy marriage. I am not saying that he should be cursing at her, but if he is wonderful in every other way, then I am sure this is something that they should be able to work through. Has she tried talking to him when things are not so heated?

The other thing you have to consider is what is your sister doing during their arguments? If she is screaming or cursing back then she is as much at fault as he is.

My husband and I have been under an extreme amount of stress, and when we argue, we get LOUD and have a tendency to give our own low blows sometimes. I am not saying it is right, but it is a form of stress relief. Do I think it is going to turn physical? HELL NO. I agree that if your sister is truly being abused then she needs to get help, but I really do not think that is the case. Yes, there are a lot of people who stay in situations that are destructive to both themselves and their families, but because of that, too many people are willing to label good people with things that could be detrimental to their lives. Don't be in a rush to put a label on someone.

If your sister can not get things resolved by talking to her husband then maybe she should consider counseling. As far as you not getting involved. That is actually good advice. There is no reason for you to get involved other than to give your sister some simple advice. If you get too involved, and they work things out, then it may backfire and you may become the bad guy and be looked at as trying to cause problems in their marriage. And before you ask YES I HAVE A SISTER!!!!

If things get worse or turn physical, then by all means get more involved, but now it is just best to let them try to work it out. Be there for your sister, but do not over react. It could make things worse.

Good Luck to you and your sister.

Oh yeah, as far as taking care of kids not being "real job", take your sister somewhere for the day. Make her hubby stay home and take care of kids and house for the day or weekend. He will see how much of a full time job it is with no pay/at least money wise anyway.

I don't think the fact that he's cursing matters. I mean, it's abusive to just call your spouse stupid and lazy and those aren't curse words. I think only your sister can answer whether it's abusive or not and I think she clearly thinks it is since she's asking.

I'd also like to point out that if the word "except" appears in your explanation of how great someone is then they aren't that great. I mean, someone who's great 99% of the time and awful 1% of the time is still awful.

Without knowing a thing about it, I'm going to guess that the husband is worried about money or has extra stress at work.

And no, name-calling isn't abusive in the sense that it's illegal. If she feels unhappy, she needs to make a change. He doesn't need to be "an abuser" to make it OK for her to do what she needs to do.

If it was my friend or relative, I'd suggest counseling, but I'd also suggest she try to find out what is going on with him. My husband doesn't ever call names, but he is inclined to outbursts of anger when his business (he's self-employed) is not going well. Someone mentioned depression, also a good suggestion - in men, depression/helplessness often leads to shows of anger. And I think it must be very stressful to be the sole support of a family in today's economy.

I have a sister-in-law who seems to enjoy getting in nasty shouting matches with her boyfriends. She gives as good as she gets. My guess is your sister doesn't. I also have a friend who's husband used to call her nasty names and put her down went ever they fought. All married couples fight but, couples who have respect for each other don't use name calling. I have told my husband that he is acting like a a**hole but, I would never tell him he was an a**hole. There is a difference. Angermanagment wouldn't be a bad idea. If he can understand and learn that that kind of yelling is wrong then your sister will be better off. You don't want her to have self-esteem problems. My friend who's husband was verbally abusive had lots of self-esteem issues. I hope your sister and her husband can work it out.

I agree with Kristy C. I wouldn't call this really abusive, but yes if your sister feels abused then she is and then they need to deal with that. My husband and I are sometimes under so much stress that we swear at each other during a fight. It doesn't make it right and we apologize to each other and try to make it different next time. However, the comment that she doesn't have a "real job" makes me CRAZY!!! Taking care of children is like doing 15 "real jobs" 24 hours a day!! So he can go take a walk on that comment! I am a full time working mother and I feel that any mother is doing several jobs, like I said 24 hours! There is no break with children. Good luck and if your sister feels that she is being verbally abused then they need to go deal with that, he needs to respect her as a mother and as his wife and if he doesn't he is just teaching the children to treat her the same way and not to be respected.

You didn't say if there are stressors in their life...my husband is sweet and loving, but when we went through a stressful time financially it seemed he was always yelling at me and doing basically the same as your sisters husband, once the stressor was relieved it pretty much ended...so it could just be he's stressed, but that is just my experience

C.
Unfortunately I have been through an abusive relationship and this is how it began. I was stupid and lazy, and at 125 pounds really "didnt need to eat that". I had been kicked across the room with a foot to the back to hit in the head with the phone because it was for me. It than started surfacing around family members. He wasnt afraid to let it out. His father even jumped him about it at times. He has now been diagnosed with bipolar but wont take medication for it. I divorced him over 10 years ago and he does this to his new wife until the cops are called then its i love you im sorry ill get help blah blah blah. I dont think it is to late for your sister have her offer up some counseling. Maybe start with marriage counseling. If he loves her he will give in. If his marraige and family are worth keeping he will agree. Good luck S.

I have no personal experience with this, so I may be totally out of line, but this is your sister! I think you need to do more than listen to her. You need to help her find a way to resolve this, whether that is counseling, separating or whatever. Ask her what she needs. No one deserves to be called an MF by anyone but especially by someone who supposedly loves them. There is absolutely no excuse for it. It doesn't matter what it is labelled, it is wrong. If your sister asked you that question my guess is that she is at a point where it is getting to be too much for her or she is worried that he might start acting like this to or in front of their kids. Plus, even if he doesn't do it in front of the kids, I would bet they are aware in some way. Kids are pretty intuitive.

Good Luck,
D.

Personally, unless she asks you for advice or help, you need to stay out. She is a grown woman and if she needs your assistance she will ask. You may love her to death but you are not in her shoes nor do you live her life. Just cause she has marrital issues, almost all people do and she needs to work these things out without family members, rather a therapist or someone qualified to give advice on this matter. Nothing personal but you are not qualified (unless you are a mental health professional trained in relationship counseling) to decide how to go about helping her let alone counsel her on what to do.

In regard to the work thing she should have a therapist talk with them about the work at home issue. Although she may do an awesome job in her case there may be reason to consider some part time employment to settle the marrital conflict. We often make sacrifices to help feed our marriages. Its not always so easy but that's life!