Advice RE: My Boyfriend Disciplining My Daughter

Hi V., I see you have plenty of advice already. Let me say that I was the step-daughter of a man who talked down on me, called me lazy, spoiled, and a brat. And I hated it, I wouldn't never let anyone talk to my children the way he talked to me. And on top of that, it's my mother I blame. Everytime he threatened to leave they both took it out on me. She should of stood up for me, instead I left them when I was 15. I went to go live with my aunt, and I know my mom still regrets the choices she made.

Leave him. He is not her dad and never will be. If he hasn't bonded in all these years, he never will. A girl needs loving parents. You need to be the primary disciplinary force in her life. You need to focus on her and only her. You shouldn't be dating right now. She needs you.

V. sweetness. Please read your email back to yourself and then you will realise its time to dump the boyfriend for the sake of your daughter. She will grow up and choose an abusive man cos thats all she knows. surely your life and hers would be better off alone and enjoying each other than scared of this bully, because thats all he is V.. That behaviour is completely unacceptable and please find the strength to do something about it NOW!!! A..

Hey,
The advise I would like to give you comes from my childhood which isnt to long ago. My mother had a child with a man who was very "outspoken". He tried very hard to parent/raise me right. The problem is that in a childs mind, no matter what, it isnt his place. Especially if he cannot control and maintain a healthy tone and manner. They are not traits you want her to learn, you do not want her to act negativly or loudly when she is angry. Trust me I met my father when I was 16 and had just been emancipated from my entire family. At 16 it was a disapointment, although the other man was there and supported me it isnt somthing a child can understand. You dont have to protect her from your boyfriend, you just need to filter the information to be positive and helpfull. If he cannot be a positive & healthy person in your daughters life you may have a problem. I am a mother now and can still remember all the crazyness of my childhood. It is somthing that will follow me forever. Up until I had my children and had to face all my fears to move on happily. Having only a mother effected me also, I was always looking for that one special man. Thank God I found him in a healthy way, after kissing may frogs and being physically abused. When girls see "crazyness" as I call it, we learn that it is okay and thats how life is. All my relationships before my husband were literally hell. I didnt know how to love or be loved in a posive way. Lay the Law...Either he gives constructive critisim or minds his own buisness. IE Anger Management

I was actually in the same boat as you. My fiancee and I have been together for 10 years. He came in the picture when my son was a little over 3 years old. at first it was hard having him discipline my son when it was only me and my son for the first 3 years. We had our share of fights and he would at times get so upset. I had to put my foot down and tell him that he needs to learn to control his anger or the relationship was over. I didn't want my son growing up feeling he was not loved or bad because someone else could not control their feelings. after a while my fiancee finally changed and the two of them are closer than ever. My fiancee is the only dad my son has ever known. i know it is hard but your daughter is more important than anything. You need to put your foot down and tell him that he has to change his ways, even going to counseling for all 3 of you would be good as well. The emotional stress she is put under is not good for her and may cause more problems in the future.

hope things work out for the best.

V., I have to agree with Michelle W. DUMP THE BOYFRIEND. You need to get the book by Dr Laura Schlessinger, 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. Your daughter must come first. I hope you are not living with your boyfriend. Statistically the most dangerous situation for a child is living in a household with a grown male who is not married to the parent of the child or related to the minor child. For the next 10 years you need to focus on your daughter, NO BOYFRIENDS, no dating. When she goes off to college, work, or the military (yes girls do that), then you can start over. In the meantime, may I suggest some religious organizations in your life if you have any faith(there are lots of fine groups out there that are not cults), Girl Scouts, Sports, ballet, art, music or anything that you can spend really good quality time with your daughter and build up her self esteem and let her know she is worth something and loved. Sorry about her biological father. Do you have any male relatives that could be a father figure for her? She needs to see what a REAL MAN is. Good luck and God bless.

I think you need to reconsider having this person influencing your daughter. Listen to Dr. Phil or read one of his books.
Another book called "children are from heaven" by John Gray is full of good advice about how to raise healthy well adjusted women!!! having a scary man around who calls her names is NOT the way to accomplish this!

Dear V.,

I would be very careful. Look closely at him and how he reacts in other situations (meaning also with other people). Is he what you want in a father for your children? Is he not only treating her how you want her treated, but in his actions, is he teaching her how you want her to learn to act and treat others? And how is she learning to allow herself to be treated in future relationships? I don't think you can change him - you need to decide if you are willing to accept him and how he treats your daughter. If you really want to salvage this relationship, you might ask if he is willing to consider counseling - and actually, you may want to consider counseling for yourself anyway, to get another/more perspective . . . Our children are so precious . . .

I know this is hard - yesterday (2/14) would have been my 21 anniversary - I've been divorced two years, and there were many facets to my decision, including the ones I just put to you. But, you know what? He is an adult, he can fend for himself. She is a child and needs you to protect her and be her advocate - there is no one else to do it for her . . .

Best wishes for whatever you decide is best in your situation,
B.

After 11 years on and off, and he is still only your boyfriend, and you still write "my" daughter.
You have already answered your own question!
If he was husband/dad material- you'd be married by now.
Something is putting this off, could it be your feelings?
If he is the only dad she has ever known, then ask him to act like one in all aspects, or put an end to it.
Sorry, just the way I see it.

V.,
Your boyfriend has no place disciplining your daughter what so ever. You are her mother, and on and off for 11 years has not established a secure "family" for her. She probably does not see him as an authority figure. If he is that out of control or gets that mad, I would reconsider the relationship. It is definitely not good for her or you. Remember, you will be your daughter's mommy forever. Maybe some family counseling would be helpful. Good luck!

Dear V.,

Your letter broke my heart -- I am a 57 year old grandmother and have raised 2 children and have 4 grandchildren. I read this website to enlighten myself even further about babies and children.

Your job as a mother, V., is to protect your daughter and you are not doing that! You are allowing a man (whether he is the biological father of your daughter or not doesn't matter) to ABUSE your little girl -- how can you allow that? My heart aches when I read that she describes herself as "bad" because "Gary" doesn't love her!! Do you realize what you're setting this innocent little girl up for -- she will want to please a "boy" in order to get love and acceptance that she's not getting from her "father." I'm sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like an immature, child-ignorant little boy who is resentful and jealous of your little girl. To ask a mother to take "sides" against her own child is sick! He obviously does not understand children as she sounds perfectly "normal" to me! Please, please for your daughter's sake, put her first and get this man out of your life -- quite frankly, it sounds like a miserable existence for both of you. You will be teaching a very important lesson to your daughter that she is good and worth standing up for! Also, you'll learn that you are strong.

Give your little girl the gift of a carefree childhood -- don't sentence her to a life of pleasing a man at any cost out of fear -- that's what you're teaching her by staying with this guy.

By the way, I've been married for 39 years to a wonderful man whom I met when I was 19! There are good men out there.

Good Luck!

My Grandchildren's Kiki

V., your first job as your daughter's mother is to protect your daughter. Your second job as your daughter's mother is to love and nurture her. Then it is to teach her values, morals, and guide her. We as woman are supposed to empower our children and teach them how to become responsible and productive members of society. May I ask you what you are teaching your daughter about YOU as her mother, and as a woman if you don't even have enough respect for yourself that you allow a man to live in your home with your minor child without the comittmit of marriage? Let alone what message do you send this precious gift of yours by allowing your boyfriend to be verbally abusive to her? Does this show your daughter she can depend on you? How are you teaching her about her importance and self worth if she isn't important enough to you her own mother? Much less the sanctity of marriage verses your own needs? V., your focus right now should not be on dating or men period. It should be on raising your daughter! It is unfortunate that you lost your husband. But your daughter needs a mother not a shack up boyfriend living in the house who has no attachment or desire obviously to be a father. All your attention should be on her and making certain she grows up to be a healthy, beautiful, and secure young woman and not become a 14 year old running around having sex with every boy in school searching for the love and attention she didn't get at home. I know I sound harsh and judgemental I am truly not judging you, just an experienced mom who has learned from her mistakes! Wait till your daughter turns 18 and date, fall in love and live life to the fullest as far as men go!

I suspect you are going to be inundated with responses- mostly telling you to get rid of your boyfriend because naturally, your baby comes first. Let me share with you how this could turn out, as it did for my husband:

My husband's mother had a boyfriend years ago when my husband was around 5. The boyfriend was verbally abusive and violent- not with him but in the same vein your boyfriend is- he threw things and yelled. The result was this: my husband moved out when he was 16 and never went back. He married at 19. Never went to college. He still can't stand his mother, has no respect for her (which is what happens when you watch a man treat her or her child this way and she does nothing to stop it). We had her over this past weekend because we have a 6 month baby and he could barely be in the same room with her. She finally remarked to me how he still harbors anger towards her to which I said, "Well, of course. You didn't protect him as a mother should and chose your boyfriend over him." That shut her up and I felt perfectly fine saying it. Later when she was leaving she was thanking us for letting her come and I told her she was welcome any time, since our daughter would never be up there to visit her, which I also felt fine saying. This is what happens. It's horrible. And someday my daughter is going to ask us why we're not close with his mother and he is going to be completely honest and explain that she did what no mother (or parent) should do: she chose a spouse over her baby, and allowed him to mistreat him. It's an unforgiveable act.

I have no doubt it would be very hard to leave your boyfriend but I sincerely hope for your sake, and your daughter's, you find the strength.

Best of luck.

Hello I am new to the group. I just read your post. I have to agree with the young lady about your boyfriend going to parenting and anger-management classes. You see I am a Counselor and Domestic Violence Facilitator and this is aready ugly. There are some men that are in relationships and not familyships. I advise you to stop allowing this boyfriend of yours to dicipline your child in this way. (yell/screaming) I was a young widow too, I understand. It is not your job to make him understand. It is your obligation to insure your daughter grows up in a healthy and loving environment. Children know when they are the topic of converstaion whether you dicuss it in front of them or not. I would encourage you to take a look at why you would allow someone to terrorize your chlld, in the name of what? Love. I understand that for some of us bad attention is better then none at all. But at the price of your child's self esteem. No your child is not selfish, she's eight yrs old. What 8 year old doesn't want there way? Maybe it is the women in the mirror that's selfish. Please I am not trying to talk down to you or make you feel bad. It is the child's welfare that is at stake. That little girl is growing up to have no self esteem. Everytime she's yell at or gazed at in a threatening manner you are allowing her to be robbed. Piece by piece self esteem ripped from her. Stand up mother.

Hi V.--
It's not appropriate for him to be disciplining her at all. He's not her father, you're not married. Your number one responsibility is your daughter. Either he follows your rules, respects your boundaries, and RESPECTS HER, or you should show him the door.

If he's continuing to do this, and you're continuing to allow it by not ending the relationship, your daughter will lose respect for you and the damage is being done now.

I've been there...please, for your daughter's sake, end this now, and for heaven's sake, don't have a child with him!

Hugs to you...

Hi V., The most important job you will ever have is to be a mom and to set a great example for your daughter. You sound like my mother 40 years ago! My dad was buried on my 3rd birthday - her next husband adopted my brother and me, but always yelled and later, when I was a teen, began throwing me against the wall and other occasional physical violence. The yelling was always the worst for me. To this day, I still cringe, I still don't understand why she didn't stand up for me and although I love her deeply, and I believe I've forgiven her, I have never been able to trust her. I think the parenting classes that other moms have suggested are a great idea. If you choose not be strong enough to leave your boyfriend, then help your daughter be strong in other areas like martial arts; Karate and Tai Chi, etc., teach one to be strong inside and out, with a peaceful heart. Martial arts is also a good idea for you - they center you and can make you feel very peaceful and focused. Good luck. My heart goes out to your daughter and to you.

Your daughter has no control over the people in her life -- she depends on you entirely to provide the environment that she grows up in. You're essentially asking everyone to recommend anything other than what needs to be done. The fact that you and your boyfriend have had "blowouts" over the issue doesn't make you less naive or more protective unless and until you take the steps to change the status quo.

I'd say family and individual counseling is in order. Yes, it sounds like you may need to fine-tune your approach with your daughter, but the big issue is what he is doing to her self-esteem and his refusal to respect either of you.

At eight, it's just a few short years until she starts to have her own relationships with boys. Do you want her to model her own relationships on the feedback Gary gives her about herself, or the way he throws accusations at you?

You have been with this guy "off and on" for 11 years; it sounds like it isn't working out. Your daughter should be your #1 priority, and it sounds like this guy isn't very nice. Is he drinking when he overreacts? Or, perhaps he just isn't parent material if he can't be more patient with normal child behavior/misbehavior which can be handle with a simple "no" rather than a screaming arguement. Don't let him destroy your little girl's self esteem. It will only hurt her in the long run if she thinks it is normal to be downgraded and made to feel bad by mean people (not just men).

I just read all the responses to your Request. I'm glad you are talking about counseling, but you need to start it ASAP. I think you misinterpreted some of the responses as being judgmental to your family situation. If you re-read them all without being defensive, the resounding overall consensus is your daughter's SELF-ESTEEM is being jeopardized. Whether Gary is her biological father or not is no matter -- he is robbing her of self-esteem! I am a grandmother and have been in your situation. I know of what I speak. It hurts me to know what's happening to your little one. Do not MINIMIZE the situation. PLEASE get help immediately. You can both learn better parenting skills I'm sure.

Your daughter should be your first and only priority, period. You can have the luxury of dating whatever scum you want once she is an adult and out on her own, but until then your love-life can just wait. By allowing this jerk to act this way towards your daughter, you are blatantly telling her that mommy's love-life is more important than your daughter's happiness. You are setting her up for a lifetime of abusive men.

And in regards to you saying not to believe that you aren't protecting your child because you guys have had blow outs over this... well that's sad. Fighting with this guy over it is not protecting your daughter. Protecting your daughter would be putting your feelings for this jerk aside, and giving him the boot so your daughter won't grow up being made to feel that there is something wrong with her. That's how you would protect your daughter.

I'm sorry, but your feelings don't matter once you have a child. Your responsibility is to do what's best for your daughter. I don't care how much you think you love this guy. You need to dump him immediately.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I can't fathom how a mother could allow some guy treat her daughter this way. If some dude talked to one of my kids that way, he'd be getting my foot up his you-know-what... he most definitely would not be my boyfriend!

You need to dump him and just focus on being a mom to your daughter.

I'm no expert but it sounds like he resents your daughter. I lost my first husband when my son was 8 month old. It's a scary feeling to think will anyone love my child the way there own father did. But I am here to tell you that it is possible. My husband of 5 years (we have been together 7) adopted my son and treats him with the same love and understanding that he gives the rest of our children. They had to find there way, yes, but he didn't ever treat him with anything but love. He is firm but not angry. If you really love this man I would look into some family counseling. As someone that grew up with a negative father I can tell you that it can damage a child especially a girl in some really deep ways. Women search there whole lives for what they don't get from there fathers and judge themselves by what they do get. I hope this helps.

C.

Dear V.,
My heart is breaking for you. I understand your situation. My daughter was 3 when my husband and I married. Her father passed away when she was 4, so Dave is the only father she has known. We did have a pull and struggle in the beginning when he disciplined her. I didn't always feel right about the way he did it. Dave and I needed to work this out together. We had to stand together, not divided in this area or it would've destroyed our relationship.
My advice to you is to get couple counseling from a reputable family therpist so that you can discuss this with a neutral person. It sounds like your boyfriend is being too hard on your daughter, and it might be better for him to hear this from a neutral person. Maybe this neutral person can help you and your boyfriend steer the discipline in a healthier direction.

Our children learn so much from us. They watch us and mirror us. You still have time with her to help her become the person she is meant to be. Children are so forgiving and just need to know that those around them love them. Creating that environment is not always easy with everything that we and they face every day. You love her deeply and obviously want the best for her. It sounds like your boyfriend does too and maybe just has a hard time expressing this. Listen to your heart.

My prayers and best wishes are with you!!

Wow V. you have some real RED FLAGS in that situation, Your daughter only has you as her protector. The mother lion in you need to come out, do not let your boyfriend dicipline or intimidate your daughter and you. Trust me on this any man or woman who treats children like that need help YOU cant give, not only is this a dangerous setting for both of you to be in but also you are teaching her to settle for a man who wont treat her well in life, what will her choices be like when shes grown.He might be the only dad shes known but how sad that her memories in life are going to be memories of fear and failure to her father figure, GET HER OUT OF THAT SITUATION, You KNOW your daughter is a good and sensitive child,you said so, you need to fight for her, she cant do it at this young and impressionable age. 11 years or not HE needs to GO or you need to take your daughter and run. Also dont be blind a woman I know was in the same exact situation and found out the boyfriend was sexually abusing her child but the child was 12 before she was strong enough to tell anyone.I know you dont want to hear that but it sure sounds supicious to me so before you close your mind to it get help, and dont just ask HIM, of coarse he will deny it and if it is true your daughter will pay the price, GET HELP PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. I"m sorry your husband died but you are a widow and your focus in life should be HER once she is raised THEN find a man, a good one. These should be happy yesrs for YOU and HER with lots of laughter and fun memories of her and her mommie. I'm pleading with you dont let another day go by without getting your precious child the help she deserves. She was given to you as a gift in life treat that gift with love and care. PLEASE

I was raised with a step-father that sounds remarkably like your boyfriend. So here is my "tough-love" answer which you may or may not want to take with a grain of salt. Your boyfriend sounds like he has a lot of problems. You and your daughter do not have to be in this situation. You do NOT have the power to change this man. Arguing with him about it is NOT the same as protecting your child. It is YOUR CHOICE to expose her to this situation. I know many adults who were in similar situations as children, and as unfair as it may be, we hold our mothers accountable. We looked to them for protection and didn't get it. Please don't worry about providing a father figure for your daughter or the fact that she "loves him." She sounds like a loving girl and children have the ability to love people that are horrible to them. Please don't let your fears of loneliness or security keep you in an unhealthy situation. Don't convince yourself that "it isn't really that bad."

If you get your daughter out of this situation, she will look back on your choice with gratitude and respect. She will know that her mother is a brave, loving woman who made a hard choice in order to protect her and her childhood. She will love you for it.

I wish I could have told my mother these things, because as much as I love her, I know that she failed to protect me and I do hold her responsible.

Hi V.,
I think that this is common in relationships and even in the best of marriages. I have 3 children of my own 3,6,&12 and when my oldest was 3 I met my now current husband. We've been in this situation a time or two, however my husband (then boyfriend) chose to handle it a bit differently. If he felt she was throwing a tantrum and demanding to have something even after he said no, he would literally leave everything behind and walk out of the store with her and come home. We of course have our own ways of dealing with everything in life, and children are no different. Sometimes it's better to discuss a happy medium that you can both agree on or maybe agree that one should be responsible for the disciplining while the other is responsible for another major area. It's always better for your children to know that you both are a "united" front so that they don't play you against each other. Be sure to let him know that you appreciate his willingness to contribute to disciplining and helping teach her proper and improper behavior, but explain how you feel and let him know that it would mean the world to you if you could both find a mutual compromise while still ensuring that your child doesn't win the battle. Hope this helps. There's never a "correct" answer because every situation is different and so is every child. All you can do is work together as a team and a family to make things work out. Maybe even have a talk with your child together and explain to her that neither of you like to get mad at her and especially don't like to have to yell at her, but that she needs to also do her part by understanding what she's doing that's got you or him so upset so that she can be more aware of her part in the whole dispute. Hope everything works out, as I'm sure it well. Nobody is perfect.

discipline is about teaching. children need to know what is expected of them and also to be taught how to behave in situations.

it sounds like your boyfriend is showing her a very good way how to act inappropriately when you don't get what you want. Also, is this the kind of male figure you want around your daughter? how long has he been around? did he raise her? does she respect him enough?

things are only going to get worse before they get better, (usually at about the time she starts her period). if you're planning on a long term or permanent relationship with your boyfriend. you have to agree on what is acceptable behavior for your daughter (keep in mind that it should all be age appropriate). then you need to agree on how you're going to correct inappropriate behavior.

V., I am a wife of 39 years and mother of ten beautiful children, 3 birth and 7 adopted. I cannot imagine being with a man who would treat my child this way. I know you think you love him, and that you say she does, too, but this is not love. PLEASE get help. This is abusive behavior, and it seems like it will only be a matter of time before he becomes abusive toward you, too! You are young, and there are plenty of young mothers who make it on their own without this kind of relationship. You deserve to enjoy your child and she sounds pretty normal to me. Please talk to someone who can help you find counseling. Do you have a church? Family who support your decisions? Give it a try. Marti

I could feel my heart breaking as I read this.

I don't have the answers, but Dr. Phil popped into my head. His book FAMILIES FIRST should help with you figuring out what you need to do to help her and yourself. And if you have XM Radio, on 156 (Oprah and Friends), Rabbi Smouly (not a religious show) is great - has 8 kids.

Personally I cannot tolerate a person who is like that, even as a friend, so I cannot even imagine being in that situation. I just know by truly wanting a change or the answers, you will get the help you need... just be on the look out for it.

But for now, let your daughter know that you love her whether she is bad or good. Also tell her that you are trying your best to change things and make it better for her and that none of this is her fault.

Peace and Blessings.

Your letter made me so sad. Sounds like he is immature. If you are going to stay with him I would suggest family counseling, if he won't go, you might think about what that means.

I know that this might me difficult, but you might try going to a parent's support group or parenting class, with your boyfriend. This would help him to learn the developmental level that your daughter is at, and help him to understand where she is coming from. They even have some support groups for step-parents. It sounds like he really needs to be educated. There is also counseling for families, that could be really fun as well as make all of you closer. Your daugther then could talk about her feelings, and the therapist can help your boyfriend understand a little more about child development.
H. B.

On and off for 11 years says it all. Maybe you and your daughter will be better off when your boyfriend is gone. I don't mean to be direct but you should always put your daughter first. Try family counseling. If he doesn't want to go to make the family better, then that should tell you all you need to know.

hi V.
For your 8 yr old use less words and the words you do say keep in the affirmative/positive response. that will be
'YES'
to everything with a stipulation/agreement with her
YES,when you have the money to buy it?
YES, For your birhtday
' ' Christmas...
what ever you decide you and your sweetheart man need to be on the same page using the same method . Teaching children pleasantly never ends. So pleasantly address the issues. Remember too, you can always need to think about something until tomorrow after school or work. Consciencly think on it using a time frame that works for you. then deliver the answer/solution. She is watching/learning how you two work things through.
I remarried with 6 children to a man with 3 of his own. We have worked hard on this very issue. It can be accomplished if you desire the same happiness in life.
J

Get rid of him. Be celibate. And if you never have a man in your life again, so be it. Perhaps you'll raise a girl to be the next president of the United States if her self-esteem comes before your love life.

It worries me how your bf is treating your daughter. Even in the best circumstances, I've heard that the biological parent should do the disciplining in a blended family. I would think twice about bringing this man into your family. If you do want to try to resolve this, I would recommend counseling. If he respects you, he will go.

Hi V.,
I sometimes have to remind my husband that our 11yo daughter is learning, through him, how to be treated by a man. If he doesn't want her future boyfriend or husband to belittle her then he should teach/show her how a man needs to respect her and talk to her like a valuable equal. What he does NOW will effect her entire life.

hth
M.

I say really evaluate the situation and make sure that you have your daughters needs and feelings at heart. What she is doing is a normal sign of growing up. What is not normal is that he gets so upset. I lived in a house hold like that as a child. And now as an adult I always think people are mad at me and my self esteem are a little lower than I want but I can't change what I lived through. Just really think about what she needs at this point.
Well good luck and remember that she is very impressionable and so she will be even more sassier and defiant how would he react to that? I read through some of the others postings they are all very good. I think you should evaluate what you want for your daughter and for here future. Did you ever ask her how SHE feels abou him? PLEASE think really hard about this and make sure your feelings don't get mistaked for personal needs. Do what is best for your daughter

Good Luck

Hi V., I have a 10 year old daughter and from what I read in your query it seems that you talk with your daughter the same as I do mine. Like they are going on 24...
Your boyfriend's acting out on her is down right wrong. Little girls need their fathers, no matter if he's biological or not, to encourage them, remind them that they are loved and gently guide them into the right kind of behaviors. He is damaging her little soul and you very well should protect her from that. Get him to go to counceling. I know a great guy who specializes in step-parenting and family therapy. If you are interested, just let me know. Best get this nipped in the bud before he really does some damage to her.

If this man has been with you even before that child was born, he probably loves her like his own and just want what is best for her. The way he disciplines her is not the best way and I know how it feels being a mom myself to hear someone else yell at my child. If I was in your shoes, first of all, I would pray for him and your daughter. It is very powerful. If that doesn't work, buy some reading materials that will teach him how to discipline an 8-year old child the proper way. I think that he is jealous when you try to defend your child from him. You also have to understand that an 8-year old child nowadays is a lot smarter than an 8-year old child years ago. They know how to manipulate things and they know how to win. You cannot say NO to them because they become defensive. You have to explain to them the reason why they cannot do this or that and what the consequences are if they do it. You have to be a lot smarter than them. You cannot just say, "a child is just a child." Believe me, they know what they are doing. If your boyfriend is the only dad she knows, it will be devastating for her too if she lost him. If he is a good man to be around with, you have to be patient with both of them so that you will not have to choose between them. GOOD LUCK.

GO TO COUNSELING! BOTH OF YOU. IF HE REALLY LOVES HE SHOULD OF MARRIED YOU A LONG TIME AGO. YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU AND IS REACTING TO WHATS GOING ON AROUND HER. I HAVE A 12 YRS OLD IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. YOU HAVE TO NIP IT THE BUTT.. SHE IS YOUR WORLD NOT HIM. AND WHEN YOU SAY, He over reacts to EVERY SITUATION! It drives me crazy. WHAT KIND OF SITUATION CAN A 8YR OLD DO?? YOU REALLY HAVE TO THINK THIS ONE OUT BECAUSE AS I SEE IT AND YOU DAUGHTER WILL GET FRUSTRATED AND RUN AWAY! LISTEN, LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER, THIS BOYFRIEND OF 11YRS? WHICH MEANS YOU WERE VERY YOUNG AND STILL YOUNG. WHEN YOU HAD HER SHE DIDN'T KNOW HER DAD AND YOU SHOULD OF WAITED TILL SHE WAS IN COLLEGE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE. BELIEVE ME BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND NOW PAYING FOR IT NOW. MY SON IS 25 AND BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTING. LISTEN TO DR LAURA SCHLESSINGER ON KFI 640AM(CALIFORNIA) MON-FRI 12PM-3PM.
SHE WILL GIVE THE BEST ADVICE!

Have you tried talking to your boyfriend when he's not angry? If not I would try that first so that you can find out where he's coming from, maybe you could come to an agreement on how to handle that situation. Show a united front and don't demean each other. Once you've done that sit down with your daughter and talk to her about her actions and what the consequences will be, she's old enough to understand. Then stick to your decision. If that doesn't work, maybe some family counseling could help with communication skills.
My daughter is also 8 and when she wants something, I tell her to write down what she wants and maybe she'll get it for her birthday or Christmas. Sometimes she gets it and sometimes she doesn't but she's happy because she knows that I know what she wants. If she chooses to "throw a fit" or not listen, then she gets nothing.
Good Luck!

My father was like that. I think he needs anger management. There is no reason anyone should speak to anyone like that. If an 8 year old can incite that sort of anger in a person he needs some help. You two are the adults. You both need to be in control of yourselves. Anger Management is a must.

I am a 55 year old mom and grandmother. So I have seen what happened to my grandsons ( one of my daughters let her boyfriend discipline him.... not a good idea! You are the parent and how you discipline your daughter is your business, no one else's. My daughter's boyfriend not only caused my grandson to choose to live with his dad, but my other grandson, his younger brother is very afraid of this man but won't say anything to his mother as he does not want to be sent to his dad's away from his mother (he has a different dad). Even if you were married to this man, he is not the parent of your child... and your child and he would need to develop a trusting relationship before allowing him to discipline. Sounds like this man is much like the man my daughter is now trying to get away from... so be careful. If this man can't be an adult and work to nurture a relationship with a child and be adult enough to allow you to make your own choices on how you are disciplining your child without interfering but respecting you... then he has major problems. Based on my own experience and my daughter's, I'd advise you to really look at your relationship with this man and ask yourself if he is a help to your relationship with your daughter, does he respect your choices, does he respect your daughter as being a child and acting like a child? My ex-son-in-law has made it a rule that he will not date any woman who does not like his child or who won't stay out of his business with disciplining his child. His child's welfare and self-esteem are more important to him than a relationship with a selfish, immature woman. Since you have been with this boyfriend on and off... what makes you decide to go off? That will say more about the healthiness of the relationship than anything. Maybe separating and getting some good counseling both on parenting and relationships would benefit all of you! You both should be on your daughter's side as the adults in the home... I could go on and on but hopefully you get the picture! Take care of your daughter!

Hello, I'm a mother of 3 kids, 11, 9, and 5. And I'm hoping that I can be of help in some way. Kids will be kids, to a certain point. You know as an adult when your child has gone to far. If she is doing typical kid things, like not jumping up to brush her teeth, or leaving her stuff in the living room that's "kid" stuff. It's a bit unsettling that your boyfriend is premitted to yell at her. It's your job to disapline her and if he feels that your not doing a good job of that he needs to address you and not the child. It's not his place. I know you said its the only father she's known, but he is not her father and if he was he would have more patience for her behavior. She comes first, don't make her feel as if is not #1 in your life. You are all she has for protection, so please protect her. Be strong.

V.
You probably don’t want to hear this but I don’t think this man is going to change. It’s been many years of this and everything you’ve tried has not worked, right? A reasonable person who is devoted to his girlfriend would have seen how much this bothers you (and her) and would take steps to keep this from happening. He obviously doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong so why would he think he needs to change?

At this point you need to remind yourself this is about your daughter. Is she better off with him or without him? How much harm can belittling, yelling, anger, hostility, etc. cause a little girl? I personally think it can cause irreversible damage. Her relationships as an adult with men will be forever affected by this man’s treatment of her. He does not respect her (or you for that matter) and she is going to learn that this is OK. She’ll end up with a husband just like him. Now look at it another way. Separated, she doesn’t see him or have to suffer his moods and rants. She may miss him but she won’t miss that part of him. She will live less stressed, develop more confidence about herself, and above all you will teach her that it is NOT OK for a man to treat a woman or child with such utter disrespect. This would be a lesson you should be proud to teach your daughter. As for you, if you can get past the fear of not having him and see the facts and the reality of the situation, I think you would realize that it may hurt a bit in the short run, but in the long run it will cause a lot more pain and suffering if you do nothing and allow it to continue happening.

I wish you the best of luck, V..

Hi V.,

I am going to try to keep this short and to the point : A mother's duty is to protect her children and sometimes that protection may mean cutting off someone from your life who is destructive, verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, especially when his treatment of your daughter doesn't feel right for you and affects your daughter's self worth and self esteem. This man needs therapy and anger manangement. If he wants to be in your life, then this is the ultimatum. Just because he is the only father she has ever know, doesn't mean you should keep him. This world is challenging enough...we must do all we can to keep our children from having to spend years in a therapist office, or turning to drugs, or having eating disorders and all types of "acting out" because they were yelled and belittled by people who are "supposed" to love and care for them. I pray for you to immediately address this situation before your precious daughter is destroyed. Do you want her to be attracted to men who talk to her the way he is doing ???? This is exactly what happens...your daughter will think his behavior is NORMAL and that something is wrong with her and she will seek out men who are unhealthy, abusive, violent etc... He needs HELP and you need to get therapy for your daughter and yourself as well because she is already internalizing his nonsense and you may need to end it if he refuses help, so you need to be courageous and walk away if need be. I hope you have a relationship with GOD...He will never fail you and will help you raise your daughter up to be a healthy woman. I know of what I speak...I am a single mom of a little girl who had to erase her father from our lives for worse nonsense and his lack of desire to get help. We are better off and you will be too.

So much for keeping it short. I will pray for you. LStL

First of all, I would be more worried about your daughters self esteem and what affect this negative behavior from a male role model will do to her later in life. Just because he is the only "dad" she has known doesn't make him her best option. I know my brothers and I asked my mom to leave my dad for years, and I believe if she had, my middle brother would still be alive. Not trying to get too heavy on you, just trying to emphasize what could be waiting further down the road.

Dr. Phil had an incredible episode on this very subject. I highly recommend you look it up online. You are your child's only advocate and protector. If this is how he is now, can you imagine, if he actually becomes her step father? You may not want to hear it, but dirty looks can be just as abusive as bad words and hitting. You are treading on thin ice. Good luck. There are other really good guys out there.

Perhaps both you and your boyfriend should take some attachment parenting classes. They will give both of you very good points on how to discipline your daughter in a positive and loving way. No child should be intimidated by a look or scream. This is obviously bothering you very much, just think what it's doing to your young child. Be her advocate and get everyone some help. If your boyfriend is an adult as I'm assuming he is, why on earth does he let an 8 yr. old child affect him in such a way that he can't see straight? He obviously has some issues that he needs to work on internally. Get help for all of you now! Therapists, classes, books the internet all will assist you and your family. Good Luck.

Hi V.,

It sounds that you and your boyfriend needed to attend a class that teaches you both how to be a parent. If your daughter is priority with you, please make an effort for you and your boyfriend to attend this parental classes. Believe me you will learn a lot of things which we did not know as a parent. I am single mother of two children before I remarried. It is hard for a man to understand especially this little daughter of yours is not his. I know you are together for 11 yrs but he need to accepted your daughter and you as a package deal. You two needed to sit down and talk this situation in a calm way. There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend to discipline your 8 yrs old daughter as long as his disciplinary action is always positive and not negative way. We needed to guid and discipline our children when they're growing up because if not, we will have a problem with them. Both of you needed to try and error discipline process, so that you will know which one work or not. Yelling is a negative way of discipline. She needed to learn how to be discipline herself and follow instructions. Having those practice at home, she will learn those easily to handle in school. Mostly of problem children are having a problem at home so it will show up or burse out in school. I hope it will help you and good luck.

A.

I am 32 and my first question is where is her biological father? Your boyfreind should not talk to her that way he can give her low self esteem at a very young age. If he does not understand that you do not want him talking to your daughter in that way then he really does not love you or her and seperation might be your only out. Because if he is doing all this yelling at her then what will he do next. I think that you should talk to him one more time and after that then if he does not get it the you should make him leave.

hello V.
your daughter is an 8yr old and at this age it is challenging and we as moms need to just talk to them and love our children and you never get much out of yelling and punishing.its better to come from a loving place and just ask her why she is doing what she does and listen to her and see why she is upset or angry.i know children follow by example and maybe she has some hurt about her dad dying.
i think your boyfriend could be more understanding and loving toward her too as she is still only 8yrs old.
you can never give enough love to them.
i have a almost 8month old daughter and its wonderful.
much love
B.

I think seperation is key, if and when you want him to come back he goes by your rules with YOUR daughter or thats it. Yelling and blaming kids affects them for their whole lives and he is way out of line. You don't need to justify your discipline or lack of it to anyone. Good luck.

Hi. I also have a boyfriend that co-parents with me. I am in charge. He respects that, and understands that I probably know more about loving, allowing,and nurturing my children than he does. When we got together, my youngest was three and loves him as if he were his father. I understand that it is way easier (or should be easier) to have partnership while raising kids, but your guy sounds like he is setting in a large dose of self esteem damage. Your daughter comes first. Period. He - if you want to keep him around - there must be something good about him - maybe, he should read some parenting books primarily those that stress the importance of love and self esteem - rather than DISIPLINE (come on!)Also, he REALLY should consider - or better yet the two of you, attend a parenting class. Get help from parent teachers. Have him go - or both of you go to a Parent workshope. I get info about these all the time. there are lots of great things out there that would help you both and your precious daughter - who deserves to have a better example of 'husband' 'father' 'boyfriend' 'man'. I know that mine is a great example of these qualities - for both of my sons and for my young teen daughter. He has no doubt about his masculinity, and he agrees that I lead when it comes to parenting. By the way, I am a parent coach. I was not one when we got together, but it felt so natural to become one. . .
Remember, listen to your heart. Your daughter is growing up and time is passing. Her childhood must be a good and loving one. of Course

At a young age my mother had a boyfriend like this- and to this day, 13 years later my sister and I still share the suffering of those times. Discipline to me is like the caring of plants. Tend to them, love them, give them sun. If they feel they are under a cloud- they will never grow. A child who yelled at, will put a defensive armor on, and the true beauty of that child will dissapear. Even reading your email, it is clear that deep down you know that the yelling is damaging, dysfunctional, and unnecessary. You wrote many wonderful things about your daughter, keep those in your heart,and find someone who sees your daughter the same way.

V., it doesn't sound like you need that kind of boyfriend in your life. Sounds like you need to dump him and begin looking for a nice MAN that can be mature about little ones. And if he has been around that long, then it doesn't seem right. You want to teach your daughter to grow up in the right atmosphere, but having him around doesn't seem like a good thing. I would look toward looking for the right man to marry and that will take care of the two of you and love you both dearly. Sounds like he just wants his cake.

Dear V.,

Well, you are in deep - remember this, men are not raised to know how to discipline or care for children as most women are. He just does not know what to do and is reacting like the adults that disciplined him.

You two need to go to a parenting class asap.

Or, you need to live alone with your daughter, and go to a parenting class. She should not be having to react to Gary's temper like she is doing. She is confused, and so is Gary and so are you.

Go for help and you will never regret it.

Good luck, C. N.

As the mother of five, grandmother of three this is my advice: I also had the knowledge of having children who had to deal with another man in their life from the time they were 14, 8, and 6. He never tried to discipline them since he also had come from a stepfather situation. I listened to alot of people including counselors. All said I should listen to the real needs of my children. But explain to them what we could afford versus what they wanted. They learned but it takes some time evem years! Your daughter is still very young and her reasoning is still being formulated. She needs you to be strong in your opinions and beliefs. As to your boyfriend, you need to set boundaries with him pertaining to your daughter. If you agree with him tell him and tell her but if you don't agree with the way he treats her, tell him when the two of you can talk civily and alone. Write a list of what he does right with her and write one for your own rights. Your daughter has only ONE person she can rely on and that person is YOU! Make sure you stand up for the rights of your daughter. If your boyfriend shows too much anger in any situation then he has no business being in your family. Your daughter's self esteem is far more fragile than his and she should be the important one in your life. There are plenty of support groups to help you if you really search: schools, churchs and non-profit organizations. Keep on trying and reach out! You can do it. Be strong! M. S.

Hello. Somehow the numbers don't add up. You've been with your boyfriend Gary for 11 years, but your daughter is only 8 and her biological father died when she was 3 (5 years ago). Anyhow, I guess that's beside the point. I think your gut is telling you what to do and you're just afraid. All I can say is to go with your gut instinct. Your daughter is, and should be, your first priority. If you reread what you wrote and think in the best interest of Hannah, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Following through may not be easy, but you must do what's best for your child.

Kids are kids and they need to be understood. The important thing is that you need to make sure that when you say no, you really mean no!!!! Do not waiver. But disciplining does not mean that you have to yell and flare up everytime they do somethin wrong. It is easier for your child if you sit down with her and discuss what she did wrong. They will not do the right thing everytime and that is why you are there to guide them. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and be more understanding. It seems like he does not have the patient to have a child. Have a good talk with him and he listens that's good. If he keeps insisting that your daughter is a bad person then you have to take a serious look at the relationship. Have a heart to heart talk with him. He can not be constantly yelling at your daughter everytime she makes a mistake. It is not healthy and the more your daughter will feel unwanted and rebel against you. You might have to sacrifice the relationship for your daughter if he does not listen. Tell me, how is the relationship between you and him. Does he treat you well or a you also a victim of his temper?

Hi--Welcome to Mamasource!

It sounds like there is a lack of communication going on here. Have you tried sitting down and discussing this issue with your boyfriend and your daughter in a calm and respectful manner? From what it sounds like, both your boyfriend and your daughter appear to be vying for your attention, although it may not seem that way as their behavior is disguised with attention seeking strategies, particularly on your daughter's part. However,you may also want to heed some of your boyfriends advice about your daughter excessive "asking" for things." This may be her way fo getting attention from you--Please consider spending quality, alone time with just her where material objects and prioities are not the focus. Build on those traits you says she has--compassion and kindness. You may very well find that the constant "asking for things" will subside, or at least diminish.

She may be ignoring you for the same reasons she asks for things when she is not ignoring you--She wants your attention. This can be tricky, but to a degree, your boyfriend is right--Disrespectful behavior is not appealing in anyone at any age, and frankly, 8 is a litle young to be displaying some of this behavior. Hopefully, only positive, pleasent behavior is rewarded in your household. Rewarding undesirabel behavior will garnish only undesirable results. Trust me, I've seen it, and the results aren't pretty.

I don't know if any of this advice is helpful, but I wish you the best of luck.

A little bit about me: I am a 43 year old high school teacher with two boys, ages 20 and 17,who so far, have turned out reasonably well.

I was a single mom with a son for 8 years. It's tough. I would think especially more having a son and the jealousies of men. The only man I dated during that time that did have a kid was the best with my son. The others were basically jealous, had not had kids yet and did now know what it was like having their own child. I am now married again and my husband has been pretty good with my son but I still get very protective and my husband knew that my son comes before him and my husband to feeling jealous sometimes. We now have a daughter and I am sure he is now understanding what it is like to have your own child and what is required in raising a child. It sounds like your boyfriend does not know what having his own child is like. It also sounds like a very stressful situation for you and your daughter. Who is more important to you, your daughter or your boyfriend?

V.,

I was so compelled to write a response to you. Being with a violent person is not just some one who hurts you physically, but also being with a person who hurts you emotionally. Sounds like you have a wonderfull, vibrant and loving daughter, and she doesn't deserve this situation and neither do you. Your boyfriend is who he is, and I'm not saying he is a bad person, but you need to set your priorities straight. You know you have two choices, you can either go to family counseling together or you can leave him. I would try the counseling first since both you and your daughter love him, and because if you leave him and don't go to counseling at all (for you) you will probably end up in a similar situation with another man.
My Best Regards.

You need to LAY DOWN THE LAW with your boyfriend, and quick. You need to tell him that his behavior is far worse than your daughters, that he is an adult and that if he does not start acting like one, he will be out of your life and your daughter's life before he knows what hit him. And then you need to follow through. If you do not, you are teaching your daughter that you stay with a man, any man, regardless of their behavior. You are her mom. She needs to know that her mom will always do what is best for her, and will always put her well-being before all else. You are the only one in the world who can remove her from this situation, and you are not. Even if you were married, he should not be disciplining her. It sounds like he is doing real damage to her in many ways. What she is learning is that it is okay to love an abusive man. After all, mom allows it, so it must be okay. You are allowing it by staying with him. You are staying with a man who does not treat your daughter in an appropriate manner, and if you think that will not reflect in her choice of males once she hits the teen years, you need to think again. Most of the advice you receive will be from moms who have not yet been through the teen years. I, too, used to be one of those naive moms. It is hard to see into the future, but as a mom, you must. Your daughter is 8. She will be 16 before you know it, and your chance to mold her psyche will be over. It will be set. You want to raise a daughter who will not allow herself to be mistreated, yelled at, and treated badly. Right now, the man she loves, your boyfriend, is causing her to see herself as a bad girl. You do not want her going into her teen years thinking that she is a bad girl, and that it is okay for the men you love to yell at you. Step up, mom. Your daughters future is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than an 11 year relationship! There is nothing worse than living with guilt and regrets for the rest of your life. You do not want to look back and say, "WHY OH WHY did I stay? If only I'd left, my daughter might have had a much brighter future." At this stage of motherhood it is so easy to just take the easiest route, to just stay in the relationship and hope all will turn out okay. Do not be fooled. Be a mom. Be a good mom, and know that no good will come from this situation. Your daughter is being damaged, and the damage will last a lifetime. It may sound as if I am over-reacting, but I'm not. I've been there and done that, and I hope with all my heart that you will learn from my mistake.

I am sure you have gotten a lot of responses to your query. I have a friend w/ situation very close to yours. Her and new husband are going to parenting classes. That way,it is an outside person giving advice and recommendations. Counseling would help too. IF he won't go, you should. If he is not willing to take steps to improve your family life, he does not deserve to be around you or your daugheter. I have to be blatantly honest and say your description is very scary. Take action now, everyday more damage is done.

It sounds like you both need some real help like parenting classes. Do some reading on children and what to expect at there age. Remember it's hard for children to understand us adults especially when we act like children ourselfs and want them to be perfect. Examine yourself first.

Ask yourself some questions and be honest with the answers.
For example:

In what way does your relationship with your boyfriend support your daughter's self esteem and well being?

How is the relationship supporting you to be the best mom that you can be?

How can you love and support yourself in this situation?

You are seeking to have a healthy environment for your family, and there are many avenues of support, this web site, churches, counselors, family groups etc. Continue to find people who encourage you to be the best you can be.
Many blessings, J. B.

He needs to respect that you are the mother. i am a single mother of a nine year old little girl and you are right they do ask for everything and are really good at ignoring you. I also grew up in a household where my mothers boyfriend over ruled my mother...not good. Your daughter needs to feel safe and secure in her home. She needs to trust that she will be loved unconditionally. I to get loud with my daughter at times and we have folloiwng outs but she never thinks less of herself becuase of it. Self confidence is important and you need to do everything to keep it from getting crushed beyond repair. Take care

In my humble opinion Gary sounds like he has anger issues... You should talk to him and see if he wont go to counseling or some kind of parenting classes(together maybe?). Our kids need UNCONDITIONAL love with discipline. Meaning we love them no matter what they do or how they act. Home is supposed to be a SAFE enviornment where they can learn right from wrong and how they are supposed to behave. A negative male influence in her life could effect her future relationships for the worse.... And is there a reason why you have been with this guy ELEVEN years and not married him?? I think that says it all right there...

Hey V.,

That is very honorable of you to share your situation and ask for help; asking is not always easy. Coming from a once 8 year old who didn't want to share my single mother (of four) with another man, I can say this is absolutely normal. There is a great book called, "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg that I have found to be quite helpful in dealing with expressing and connecting to each other's feelings. It is a practical approach to walking emotionally with those you care about while empowering them to solve their own problems, it's AMAZING! It talks about the importance of validating feelings and the universal need: I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me. It's not a complicated book to read at all and I'm not kidding when I say it will make a tremendous amount of difference not only in your relationship with your daughter, but your relationship with your boyfriend, friends, family, and most importanly yourself. I know the Lundbreg's have a website and I'm sure you can find it if you google it.

Best of luck to you and Gary.

Big Hugs,
T.

hello, V.,
I'm sorry....i read this and, unfortunately came up with a strong "dr. laura" reaction. From what i got from your note
1. your boyfriend is "on again/off again"
2. controlling
3. only willing to see his own discipline methods...not yours.
4. is putting your daughter down
5. a child saying that they are "bad" should always be corrected with a "bad behaviour"
now, i'm FAR from perfect on any of these things, but, i do know that the difference of having a "partner" that is able to help in raising children is far more productive for the child AND the parent.
*sigh*
on the other hand; children will use adults that are divided against one another.
one major red flag for me, though, was that your partner has been your "boyfriend" for 11 years. I am sorry to say why haven't you guys gotten married? perhaps (again, based ONLY on what i read) you know that this isn't the "right" man....simply the convenient one. i know that i may get flamed for this post...but, hon, respect yourself...remember what you did in the past and do now with a male is what your daughter will learn as "right".
If, your daughter is your angel then she (and you) deserve a united partnership, hon.
good luck....this ISN'T easy.
*hugs*

Hi, you sound exasperated. The numbers don't add up, a boyfriend for 11 years and your daughter is 8 yo? You have a lovely daughter, your first priority is her. She may see your boyfriend as taking greater priority over her, especially if you work full time. What time is left for her, even after school before bedtime? weekends? She needs to know that you are her mother and not a girlfriend. Mothers have special places in a girl's heart and mind. Now, morals and values: are you setting the example you want her to have? Is living with a boyfriend ultimately okay with you, children and no marriage? What type of example of fatherhood are you setting for her when it comes time for her to have a family? A boyfriend of 11 years, get married if the relationship is what you really want. Then get counseling to understand blended family situations, and clarify your faith.
Who is/are your god(s)? money, material things? shopping? power in the job situation? You are at an age where great introspection will do wonders to guide you for the rest of your life. What about retirement, are you building for that time? Blessings to you in this time of confusion. OH 8 yo? a change of life is coming up for her... a very emotional time.

Hi, I see the predicament that you're in. I'm sure your relationship with your boyfriend has been strained because of the disagreements with how to discipline and how to raise your daughter. My advice is to suggest that both you and your boyfriend attend parenting classes. In this environment, it is not about you telling him what to do or not to do which only puts him in the defensive mode. It also means that you're willing to make some changes in how to raise Hannah, if that is what it takes. It's a win-win and you might be surprised to learn a few things yourself. Going together will be good for your relationship, too. Bottom line, you're not always the bad guy who is being critical of him as a "father". Parenting classes unfortunately are not standardized in curriculum or goals. But you want to look for classes that are age and development appropriate to Hannah. Start with your daughter's school. Talk to her teacher and principal to inquire about parenting classes for her age group in your local area. Good luck to you.

Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel writes a weekly column for the OC Register and author of a couple books has helped us. We started using her methods when our son was 2, he's now 5, and they work. We can take our son anywhere, and hardly ever asks for anything. Sandy uses the "penaly box" and "minute drill". These really do work. Raising your voice or yelling doesn't work, as a child just gets scared and usually tunes out. You sound like a loving mom who cares about your daughter. Just try Sandy's program, who might be surprised at how well it works. Here's the link: http://www.sandymcdaniel.com/ Hope this helps.

Hi! it sounds like both are wanting your attention and really the only one you owe it to at this age is you 8 year old. I took a parenting class being in a similar situation and ended up having to drop him from the relationship even though he was all my girls knew. Its hard but maybe if he went to a parenting class with you, it would help see things from an 8 year old point of view and answer many a question. Hang in there, its tough, maybe try not to get to dramatic in front of her would be better, being it could cause for unnecessary hard feelings later, this is a very delicate time for all of you mostly her. God bless.

Hi V.,
My name is J. and I have two daughters, Laura who is 16 and Emily will be 4 in April. I had Laura with my first husband, divorced and then married my current husband Andrew and we had Emily. My husband is Laura's step dad and we have had similar issues between him and Laura although he does not yell at her and over react like you husband. I think what may be happening is your husband feels like he has to get so angry because he is frustrated that you are not either being consistent or following through with your daughter. It sounds like her behavior is a result of you giving in at times because you just don't want to hear her crying and wining. And part of what may be going on is because you work full time you do not want to be negative with her because you have little quality time with her. I want you to know that I was there with my oldest daughter too but tried to turn things around because her behavior was getting out of control. First of all you need to get over the feeling that disciplining your daughter is negative and maybe you feel guilty for really following through with consequences to her behavior. Kids need limits and boundaries to feel safe and loved. You need to really lay out the standards for her behavior now that she is old enough to really understand that her behavior is affecting her own life and the family's. You need to tell her what you expect of her and then list the consequences to her behavior. Have her be a part of this actually writing it down on a behavior chart or piece of paper. You can also list some activities that you and/or both you and your husband can do together with her if she has a full week of listening the first time or not crying for things. Try not to make these things toys or material things but more intrinsic rewards like going to the park and having a picnic together or going to the beach, etc. Because this is truly what your daughter wants from you both is quality time. Have it clearly laid out so there are no questions in anyones mind. Then you need to have a talk with your husband that you know that he is frustrated but that getting angry with her to the point of yelling does not work. That when he starts yelling, your daughter wins. Discipling can be done in a very matter of fact, non emotional way. Your daughter needs to be disciplined in a loving way- with very clear, calm rewards and consequences. O.K. so you chose to do this so you get T.V. time taken away today or you did such a nice job at the store and you did not wine once so lets stop by the park or rent a movie.
Your husband needs to take a step back and see that you can follow through. If he cannot control his anger and you feel like you are not working together on this then maybe it is time to go to counseling or start seeing a family coach. They have people who can help families start communicating positively with each other. Start making some big changes now for all of your sakes. And remember that it is O.K. to hold limits and boundaries with your child even if you are working and only have so much time with her. It sounds backwards but this is truly how your child feels safe and cared for. You can also start holding family meetings to talk about your progress. Let me know if you need any help setting up the behavior chart. I was a first and second grade teacher and had to do this with many families. Good luck! J.

Dear V.,
I can so relate to your story and situation. Ten years ago I started dating my now husband at the time my daughter was 6. He had no kids of his own and like you my daughter was and still is a very good kid and very sensitive. If you look at her wrong she would cry. When my boyfriend would get upset she would be so heartbroken and it usually ended up with both of us crying and him yelling at me for being too soft on her. It was a hard situation to be in and there were times we almost called it quits because of it. It's very hard for a man to come into a situation like ours because they don't fully understand how deeply we care for our kids and never want to see them hurt even if they do something wrong we don't want to see them cry and as their mom's it hurts even more. My daughter is now 15 and over the years I have had to learn to take a step back and let him be a parent. If she makes a mistake or does something that needs disapline I let him deal with it and I take myself out of the situation because after 10 years he has every right to have that role and have my support. Your daughter needs to understand that he loves her very much and only wants her to be the best she can and sometimes mommmy gets mad at her too and there shouldn't be any difference between you or your boyfriend. You will always want to protect her that is natural but you need to remember that he has an active role in her life and if he didn't care he wouldn't get so upset. This past October we had a baby of our own and my husband said to me that he was so sorry for ever getting upset with my daughter and making her cry because he never understood the full extent of my love for her because even though he loves her very much he didn't understand until he held our baby for the first time and realized he would never want to see him cry or hurt. Good luck.
A.

Reading your story scares me. You are in a very unhealthy relationship. Gary has no respect for you or your daughter. If he is the only "father" that she has known when she becomes an adult she will date men like Gary, is that what you want. We have to protect our children. I'm sorry I don't mean to be harsh but your not doing that. This man is ripping away at her self esteem. YOU have to stop it. GET OUT!!!! Save your daughter.

Your number one job as a mother is to protect your child. It sounds like your boyfriend's reaction is damaging to her and to YOUR relationship with your daughter. This will only cause more problems in the future. If you cannot get your boyfriend to control his reactions, speak and think positively about your child, and be on your team, it sounds like the relationship isn't going to go far anyway. Your child should come first!

Two things bother me about this situation. Number one is your on and off comment about your boyfriend. I do not think this is healthy.
Number two: He does not have any right to lose his temper with your child. He is not her father or stepfather. You shouldn't lose your temper either, but it's inexcusable that he is involved.
Your child is the most important thing. You are her mother, your number one concern is her safety (in body, mind and spirit).
Explain to him that you are no longer requesting that he keep his temper with your daughter, you are demanding it as a boundary in your relationship, and if he violates the boundary, you will no longer be able to remain with him and stick to your guns. Do not blame your daughter for this situation in any way.
Now as for your daughter: you need to sit her down and explain that everyone has a job in this world. A child's job is to practice first obedience: that means that the first time she is asked to do something she must comply. Attacha a consequence for not complying (less tv or something), pick your battles and explain the rules before you do something (like we are going to the store and I cannot buy anything that is not on our list...then have her get things on the list, check stuff off, give her a job, have her agree that she knows what is expected, "I understand that I cannot ask for anything that is not on our list.")
Good luck and seriously, leave this guy for your daughter's sake and yours. You will probably be a better mother without that added stress.

A parenting class for you and your boyfriend will help a LOT! The basic rule for kids (or anyone) is to reinforce (praise, smile, give attention for)the kind of behavior that you want her to engage in, and ignoring (unless it's dangerous) behavior that you don't want her engaging in. For example, give your daughter NO response when she nags about buying something in the store. Later you can talk about how she can earn it. Attention is what kids want more than anything else, and if they don't get good attention, they'll settle for the bad kind of attention. And at first, things get worse as the child tries to use old behavior to get her needs met, and till she learns how to behave to get what she wants.

You are right; this situation is very destructive for your daughter. She's running the show, but not the way your boyfriend thinks; it's not calculated on her part. A good parenting class will give you and your boyfriend back control, the right kind, over your daughter.

Parenting classes are available through your daughter's school most likely, if not try your county psychological, psychiatric or medical associations for a referral. County childrens' services would have a lead on them, too. If you just can't find any, let me know, OK? Things just don't have to be the way they are!

R.

V.,

My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's father passed away when she was younger. I've been in the same situation with my husband's daugther years ago. I would suggest some kind of counseling for you and Gary so that he can help stay in control. It's not healthy for him to blow up about everything and throw things, someone can get very hurt both emotionally and physically. I'm not judging you or Gary but you both need to be a United Front for her and be in control at the same time. If Gary doesn't agree to counseling then you and your daughther should. Get a 3rd person's thoughts that insn't involved because they will see clearly. Don't worry about protecting your child :) that's what mom's do. Take care and I sure wish you all the best.

Sincerly,
D. S.

V.,
You sound like a wonderful mother who is trying to do the right think for her daughter. I agree with you that talking to them and explaining why she shouldnt do things is the right answer as well as letting her know how it makes you feel, and what she should do instead. As for Gary.........I know this is going to sound harsh, but you need to put your daughter first and walk away. I have been in this situation and it doesnt get any better. One of the biggest things any couple has to deal with is how to discipline children and if your opinions are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, then maybe you shouldnt have children together. You are lucky because this is your boyfriend and and not her father. Although its not easy, make that choice, for yourself and your daughter. Ask yourself if it is worth it? Whats more important, staying with this man, or seeing the look on your daughter's face when he yells and intimidates her. Is that how you want her to grow up?
Ive read some of the other responses that say you shouldnt be dating right now, and I disagree. The right man is out there for both you and your daughter, but hes never going to get to be a part of your lives as long as Gary is. Your daughter deserves to be raised in an environment where men aren't abusive, either verbally or physically.

Good luck

D.

HELLO,
I was in the same situation. No matter what you say to your boyfriend you need to make sure that he understands that the way he handles situations with your daughter right now is not helping her. My husband who I have been with for 5 years used to do the same thing and used to tell me that I was making excuses for my 9 year old. I just very nicely came back with.."how many 9 year old have you raised". He got the picture...You just have to pick your battles and make sure he knows that discipline is important but kids will be kids..

Children are intellegent and clever, if you tell her she can not have what she wants and stick to your guns and do not give in you have made your point, if she nags, cries or screams,pitches a fit so be it, this is very normal behavior,she will get it that no means no, but if both of you are loosing your cool because of her behavior, she has manipulated you both, because if she isn't happy, why should you be. of course they are selfish and self centered because they can not take care of themselves, they must rely on others to provide what they need, one way to give her confidence is to let her do for herself what she can, and let it be good enough, she is testing her abilities, on all levels, she is begining to take the long journey into adult hood believe it or not. both of you need to keep your cool, send her to her room until she calms down and you calm down, then explaine to her what is what, you have to be as bright of mind as she is, Good luck to you both it is a long and winding road to travel.

Trust your mommy instincts! Your daughter comes first. He NEEDS to go! Especially if he is acting this way when he is just your boyfriend. Is that the kind of father role model you want for you daughter? Your instincts are stronger than you think!!!!!

Hey V.,

Yeah, kids are harder to raise these days and having someone that is not her father is even harder!! But if you are going to make u'r relationship with u'r daughter and u'r boyfriend last and make sure it's a healthy relationship, then you are going to have to make some rules on how you are "both" going to disapline her "together"!! I have a 17 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter and believe me, my husband and I have learned that we have to agree and not disagree when it comes to them!! Fighting in front of her and yelling is going to make her realize how she can get attention, even if it's negative! Time outs and then talking about it together is the way it worked for us! As little as she is, she knows alot more then u think so give her the response u yourself would want someone to give you and if your "boyfriend" really loved her he would do the same.....if not, it's time to move on cause she should always, always be your first priority!! Good luck!

It sounds like Gary needs a few Parenting classes to understand the adolescent child. All Kids Want. I have 2, one just turned 18 last May and the other is 4. My oldest ones father past away when she was 6 and the younger one isn’t around much for her. But they both act the same way. Gary should look into a Anger management class so he doesn’t fly off at the small things. Kids don’t like the word NO but they can live with it. They just want to express their feelings and they have a right to do so. If your daughter doesn’t feel confident enough to say what she thinks and feels she wont be able to stand up to others later in life. We don’t raise our daughters to be DOOR MATS in this day and age. We Raise INDEPENDENT young woman. He needs to understand that. If he refuses you may have to consider the seperation. Men no matter how much we love them are replacable with upgrades. Our children are our Joy and our Life. They came from our bodies and that bond is forever and not replacable.

Regardless of whether the parent is biological or not I feel that the role of a parent
(the question is did he choose this role) is to teach children how to make the right choices and lead by example. Losing it on most occasions does not teach our children the tools that they need to handle situations. Yelling and screaming with only build fear and in future years resentment. I would suggest you having a one on one with your boyfriend to establish the bounderies/strategies to parenting. If you dont feel comfortable with what is proposed then it is your duty as a mom to address and come to a resolution, if you dont you will never be on the same page and will cause much more hardache for all of you.

Dear V. B,

Welcome to mamasource. I'm a new member, too. My five children are all grown and out of the house, but I remember well the 8 year old child behavior. A child needs lots of love and understanding. I agree with you.

I'm afraid that I don't completely understand your relationship with Gary. In my opinion, he has no right to speak crossly to your child. If he wants to take on the father role, then he can marry you and legally adopt your daughter. Otherwise, in my opinion, he should keep his lips zipped. If he thinks she's spoiled, that's his opinion, thank him and politely ask him to let you work with her on that. He is a guest in that relationship with your daughter. Her feelings are tender and her relationship/acceptance of an adult male is very important for her proper healthy emotional development. If she is constantly trying to get his approval and failing, it could set her up for improper emotional development.

If he wants to be a full time parent, he can have his own child. He probably knows how that works. If after 11 years, he's chosen NOT to make a commitment, then he has also chosen NOT to parent. "If you pick up one end of the stick you pick up the other"

Good luck. Stick to your gut feelings. You're right.

Louise H.

Hi V.,

Your daughter sounds very typical for an eight year old and your "Boyfriend" sounds very typical as well. The fact of the matter is, he is not her Daddy and clearly does not have the bond that you share with your daughter. She should not have to worry about "Gary being mad at her." It doesn't sound like you and Gary are at all on the same page when it comes to raising YOUR daughter. On the subject of trying to "help HIM understand," that is not your job. Your job is to help your daughter understand things. In regards to "taking sides," there are no sides, there is just what is in the best interest of your daughter.

In my humble opinion, the only solution would be to take some time away from Gary and focus on your little girl and yourself. They grow up so quickly and the time you share with her is so important. Clearly you are an independent woman and do not need the added stress of someone second guessing your parenting.

Just a thought...

K. D

I don't have a lot of experience at this one. My husban is a little of a yeller and I am not. I was never spanked as a child or anything. We disagree on this one as well. Please don't let him break her spirit, this is something between you and him not her. Maybe counseling? I am anxious to read the other responses. Good luck, you are doing a great job.

You've already got some great advice.
I just want to suggest coming up with a way for your daughter to earn the stuff she wants. Come up with an allowance system from her doing chores or helping you around the house. I've even seen my sister come up with a chart rewarding good behavior. Each time your daughter does what you ask of her (the FIRST time...or (gasp!) without you asking) she gets a sticker or magnet or whatever. When the stickers reach the goal, she gets the item she wants...she's earned it. The reward is pre-determined and approved by you first, though...meaning within your budget, an item you're ok with her having, age-appropriate, etc.
I did a quick goodsearch and found some sites for charts, or you could make your own version:
http://www.supernanny.us.com/Reward-Charts.aspx
http://www.rewardcharts.info/
http://www.practicalparent.org.uk/reward_charts.htm
http://www.christianadhd.com/rewardcharts.html
http://easychild.com/rewards-and-privileges.htm
http://www.myrewardboard.com/chore_chart.html
http://www.kensonparenting.com/

This will help her learn the all-important life lesson of working for what you want and earning it, not just letting everything get handed to her. She's 8 and old enough to understand this now. This also might help your boyfriend see that you agree she shouldn't be allowed every little whim her heart desires. He can help join in the fun and teaching! She'll also learn to start being more choosy in what she wants. She'll find what toys and fun things she REALLY wants, bc she has to work to get them. Hopefully she'll start to stop asking for everything.

Good luck,
N.

You both need to be parenting from the same page. He obviously is on a different book altogether. Kudos to you for listening to her feelings. There are a lot of classes out there that could give him some skills so he doesn't have to YELL. It is probably the way he was parented.
Good Luck and keep standing up for what you want for your daughter.

Get rid of your boyfriend. If anyone is selfish, it sound like he is. He will damage your daughter by giving her low self esteem and eventually become physically abusive. Your daughter has suffered enough, don't let her suffer anymore. Don't be a selfish Mom and put her through any more of this. Do the right thing and dump the boyfriend.

V.,
You sound like a really great person and it's sounds like you really care about your daughter, as you should. But I have to say that what your letting happen is very selfish of you. You brought your daughter into this world. She didn't ask to be born. Now it's your responsibility as her mother to protect her AT ALL COSTS. For 18 years it is your job to raise her and protect her the best you can. To me this is not the best thing for her, it sounds like the best thing for you. I don't know what it's like to be a single mom but I did have a stepmother when I was about your daughter age and she was mean. And now I resent my father for not sticking up for me and not protecting me. She will resent you if you don't do something soon. I'm sure you don't want to be alone and all but this you your child were talking about here. You carried her for 9 months and gave birth to this beautiful human. You are all she has. Please do what's right for her not for you. You only have 10 more short years. Have a boyfriend then, not now. Personally I don't believe she needs a father figure. She needs her mom to be there for her no matter what. I am a mother of 2 girls and I know in my heart if I ever were to become single, there is no way I would live with another man until my youngest turned 18. You can't trust just any man around your little girl. Your going to regret it when something comes out that you could have prevented. When your child asks you if "she's a bad girl" you need to say that that is enough. The yelling and the looks can be devastating to this little girl. She feels UNLOVED and your letting it happen by some man (not even your husband or father of your child) that doesn't respect you enough to let you handle the disipline and stay out of it. Your letting this man ruin your daughters self esteem and she really will rebel when she gets older. I'm married to my kid's father and I would still never let him act like this to my kids. No one is allowed to do that to innocent children. I don't care if it's a husband or boyfriend. My kid's come first ALWAYS, no matter what. I'll be alone before I let anyone do anything to my kids. If your daughter is your life, then treat her that way and dump this abusive guy before it's too late.

My husband and I have never called our daughter spoiled, selfish or greedy. And the fact that you've had the same boyfriend off and on for 11 years sounds like a lifetime of inconsistency. Throw him out! Stand up for yourself and your daughter. NO man is worth it. Besides, one day your daughter may resent you for choosing Gary's love over her. Your first duty is to your daughter so get with the program.

You feel like you have to choose between the two loves of your life. That's hard for anybody. In this and many other cases, your daughter needs to come first.

He's doing what he thinks is right, and what he thinks will produce a good kid, but he's doing more damage than good.

Do you live full time with your boyfriend? I ask because I think your daughter needs some space where it can be just you and her, and I think your boyfriend needs somewhere he can be away from parenting duties. If you all live together, you might say, "I can tell that dealing with kid stuff stresses you out. For the next week or so, how about I take care of all of it so you don't have to?" If he sees that her behavior and/or the general feel of the house gets better when he backs off, he may be willing to relax some.

A family counselor might be a good idea. A counselor can let him know what is normal childhood behavior. Hearing it from someone besides you will make it easier for him to listen.

Give some really serious thought to these two questions: If I saw my daughter dating or married to someone who acted like my boyfriend does, what would I tell her? Also, what kind of discipline or anger issues were there in your boyfriend's family when he was growing up? The answer to those two questions will probably tell you what you need to do.

Don't feel that you would be depriving your daughter of a father if you decided that this relationship just won't work. She can always love him, even if you're not together. She also needs to feel that she's important and "good" enough, and she needs to see how a healthy, functioning adult relationship works if she's ever going to have one herself.

Welcome V.,
It sounds like you have a special 8 year old daughter. Even at 3 a child senses a loss and can have difficulty dealing with the grief. They simply express it differently. However, as I am doing the math, maybe you and bio father were not together very much. What is disappointing is that you see the effects that your boyfriend is having on your daughter, "I'm a bad kid" and yet this situation continues. NO ADULT should be yelling at a child especially if he is just your boyfriend, and she is sensitive soul. You also mentioned you two have blow outs because of this. I hope you agree that these should never be in front of her.

Communication seems to be the issue between the common person which is the boyfriend. He yells at her, you two fight etc. while you and your daughter sit and talk. Have you considered some therapy? Google Psychotherapy Today and find a therapist in your area. My rule that I keep in mind is the relationships we have with our children are the relationships they will seek out when dating. Do you want her to feel that she is bad with her husband? Isn't this the beginning of DV?

Good luck with this.

I'm a grandmother of 8 year old and you are out to lunch for even considering hooking up with a man who describes your child as such. A single mother's first priority is her child. What torture are you subjecting her to, for a man who can not be gentle and patient with her needs in the area of discipline. Naive is not the word denial is, if he has been in your life and the babys life for this long a peroid of time it sounds like some resentment going on and the child is catching it. Counseling is in order and so is your re-examination of is this relationship worth the child's future damaged self esteem. My moto when raising my 3 kids and dating was always my kid's come first. That settled all of those arguements up front! I can deal with a broken heart, permanent psychological damage to my child was not happening, nonegogiable.
Blessing with your relationships, another perspective.

I think you really need to get family counseling. It's not a healthy situation. Since he's not your husband, you need to put her first and obviously you're not happy with the way things are going. I don't doubt that he loves her but he does not love her the way a father loves his daughter, and if I understand correctly, you dated him then had a child with another man, and now you're back with him. There are probably resentment issues there. He really shouldn't be disciplining her since he hasn't made a lifelong commitment to either of you. If you plan on staying with him, you really need to get help for her sake. And please don't stay with him because your daughter loves him dearly. It's not difficult to earn a child's love, and this relationship doesn't seem healthy for her.

He V. ~ I read some of the responses and I think in "real life" some of them are a little harsh. I personally don't think you need to get out of the relationship you are in. You can't send the message to your daughter that leaving a relationship because someone is behaving poorly is the answer (my opinion):). What I would suggest is a good therapist. Call your insurance provider and tell them you want counseling with someone who specializes in "blended families". They will give you a list of therapists in your area, you can see them and determine who is right for you and Gary. Now if Gary is not willing to seek therapy, you may have to visit the issue of leaving. If he loves you and your daughter and you say he does, then I believe he will agree to counseling. Men are typically harder on children than women are. Women are quick to label someone and/or stuations as "abusive." There is no "perfect" relationship out there, but there are plenty of good ones. In addtion, there is no perfect man; again there are plenty of good ones and the good ones are hard to find. Perhaps Gary just doesn't know the right thing to do or say. Counseling will help him and when you're in your counseling session you can state your point of view and not worry about what your daughter may hear or see. My husband I and went to counseling. I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and he has no children. He often overreacted and it did cause a strain on our marriage. So we went to counseling and see someone who specializes in blended families. He found other ways and times to express how he felt about the decisions I was making with my girls (who are wonderful girls by the way . . . normal, but wonderful) and I learned to consider his position on things as well. His relationship with my girls is getting better and my relationship with him is good. Now my girls are 21 and 18 and neither live in the home, off to college and working and living on their own, but he came into our lives when my youngest daughter was only 8. I really wished I had sought counseling before we moved in and married. This is my suggestion to you. I wish you luck and hope you heed this advice. If counseling doesn't work, then you can think about leaving your situation but I think for now, if you love Gary and your daughter loves Gary and Gary loves both of you, leaving without trying is not the answer.

V.,

I had the same situation when my daughter was about 2 y.o., I understand not wanting to do it alone, love for your man all that! The bottom line is if he does not respect your parenting then you are unequally yoked. I have heard that all my life and now understand that it simply means having the same belief system. It sounds like you might not have the same belief system as your daughter. You only job in life when you are a parent is to protect and raise your children in a healthy and loving environment, to identify their strengths and build upon them, identify their weakness and give them mercy and give them the foundation for the best possible life.

I can't tell you what to do but letting go of the that man was an easy decision for me. It was hard being alone but my beautiful well adjusted, 9. y.o. honor student is the best reward I can ask!
Love, grace, mercy and wisdom
S.

V., you are so in the situation that you can't seem to see clearly or objectively. I'm sorry but I don't know anyone who would say anything but - DANGER. Your 8 year old does not need a male role model in her life that makes her feel "bad". That is soooooo unfair for the development of your child, especially when she is so close to teenage-dom. Your story breaks my heart. Kids need to be loved and nurtured, even if they are rotten sometimes. There is so much negativity, badness and danger out in the world, that home should be safe and where she can learn how to deal with the world. I'm sorry if I am sounding poly-anna but I have a son who can be a trouble maker and probably has heard that his whole life (not all the time) and now he's starting to buy into his bad press. There are so many other ways to discipline and get your child to make good decisions that don't involve having a role model, lose his/her cool and use Yelling and intimidation as a method of control. And he's not even her father to boot. Why are you wasting energy trying to make HIM understand? You've seen his true nature. There's no changing him. There will be other boyfriends. Do the right thing and protect your daughter and let her know you're on her side and this is not ok. That will go along way in her own heart, even if she doesn't understand it all now. It takes strength and courage to do the right thing. Good Luck!

Hi V.

My heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it can be.
Welcome to mamasource as well!

I also did a lot of yelling when my kids were growing up and I have a 14 year old who has a strong will like iron. I eventually saw how futile my yelling was besides the fact that it made ME feel like dirt.
I know how it made my child feel since I grew up with it too.

When my husband would come home and I had had a fight with my child, he seemed to always take the child's side.
Finally it dawned on me! The reason there was so much problems was I was acting just like a 12 year old too. When I told my husband my realization, he said "true and that is why I took the child's side because he REALLY is 12, you are not."
I am grateful to my husband for letting me work it out.

So I stopped acting like a child myself by remaining in control of myself. I would have to leave the room and go to my closet or somewhere quiet and get myself under control. It was no longer acceptable to lose control like a child.

So my first advice is to remember that she is the child and she is suppose to act the way she does but you two are the adults.
Are you acting like adults?

The work that needs to be done is to act like adults (stop losing control of yourselves) and then you can do what is necessary for your child.

Every correction and discipline that needs to be done can be done in a stable voice. You have that power.
Yelling is not effective and sends a message to your daughter that you are not in control of yourself.
The first step is to acknowledge is not everyone yells and it is not OK.
Most 8 year olds will not respect an adult who cannot even control themselves but want to tell them what to do.

She will live up to the expectations her dad is putting on her, selfish, greedy and spoiled. "She loves him dearly".
So why not tell her what you want instead of focusing on what we don't want.
Teach her to control herself when she wants stuff but teach her as you learn to control yourself.

All the anger that is getting directed towards your daughter from you and him are your own angers and need to be dealt with and stop dumping it on her. I know from experience.
So I learned that when I was getting angry to stop and look inside at MY anger and be responsible for it.

I rely heavily on prayer and taking a fearless inventory of myself and it has helped me tremendously to become more aware of WHY I was angry and unable to control myself.

It is not what happens to us but how we respond to it. And we humans have the ability to CHOOSE our responses.
You be the first one to change and your boyfriend will learn from your example. Most men don't like being told how to behave but by watching the change in you he will be inspired.

I wish you well and have you in my thoughts.

S.

V.,
I am not speaking from experience with a child your age. My baby is only 7 months. But as a mother I would always put my child first. Event though your boyfriend is all she has known, he is not her father, since you two are not married and he hasn't legally adopted her. I don't think he should have a say in how YOU discipline her. Yelling of any kind is unacceptable. If it is really giving her low self esteem I would end it NOW. You don't want that kind of energy in her life. You need to protect your daughter. Your boyfriend is on and off you stated and hasn't' made a formal commitment to you or your daughter in 11 years. I would move on, personally and be the sole disciplinarian. I know it sounds harsh. But are you with him still because of familiarity or because you really love him? How can you really love someone who yells at your daughter and gets so angry he can't see straight. That scares me. My advice - get out of the relationship and protect your daughter at all costs. You don't want her learning about male/female relationships this way and then finding a guy who treats her badly when she's older. This is how that happens!
Good Luck V.!
D.

Hi there. Boy do i feel for you. I have been through what you are going through. What i suggest for you guys to do would be to go to parenting classes together. Sounds like he has been there the whole time but i know from experiance that if the child isn't his that there is some kind of barrier. THere could be a million reasons why he does what he does. But none should be good enough to just yell all the time at an eight year old because she is just being eight. I do agree that she is old enough to know when to stop asking and to listen at least the second time. But you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow up when you tell her something. Start taking things away from her if she doesn't listen. it works for us. But if you want to keep your boyfriend around and let him be a dad, then he needs to learn to love unconditionally and be a good parent. Set down rules with him.( and her ) She is your daughter. She will always be your daughter, he may not always be your boyfriend.
Good luck

The bottomline is, YOU are her mother and her ONLY line of defense. Would you treat her that way? Would you have allowed her biological dad to treat her that way? Would you allow ANYONE to treat her that way? And under what circumstances. Think hard about your answers, then seriously reaccess the situation.

I understand how you feel and I also understand how your boyfriend feels. When I met my husband his daughter was 6 years old and not only asked for everything but expected it. My husband use to give in all the time partly out of guilt. Which would make things hard when taking care her was my responsibility. We decided to teach her the value of a dollar. We gave her small chores to do to earn money. Therefore when we were at the mall or grocery store and she wanted something we would ask her if she was willing to pay for it with her own money. She started to realize that a lot of what she was asking for was not worth spending the money. And if it was, it made her feel so good to make the purchase because she did it with her own money. Maybe this will help!

I think you need to lose the boyfriend. Your daughter is your priority and anyone who treats her and you like that is not worth being in your life. I can tell you from experience that it is hard to be on your own both financially and emotionally, but so worth it. I was in your situation and had to make those difficult decisions my self and I had to leave my daughters father. I couldn't have her grow up in an atmosphere where she and I were not loved and respected. (Your boyfriend is disrespecting you by treating your daughter like that). By doing that, my daughter learned the importance of independance and self-worth as well as what a healthy, loving relationship is, and most importantly, that I love her.

Bless you for your openess and honesty. I think you already know the answer to this, but it is difficult to do. You say "I am afraid that this is the wrong situation for her to have to deal with.." I think you are right. Yelling is not the solution to discipline. I find when I yell, it doesn't solve the problem, it just creates more. While discipline is always tough, it needs to be done with love, boundaries and teaching. She is your daughter. How is she supposed to know how to behave when the boyfriend's horrible behavior is tolerated? Set an example. Have him clean up his act or get anger management, or he won't be allowed in your home.

Wow! Sounds like you need a new man around! Obviously he doesn't have any kids of his own. Yes, little girls at 8 years old can be very trying at times, but blowing up isn't going to change that. If you really want to keep him, maybe try taking him to some parenting classes or a therapist to help keep his anger in check. And being that he isn't even her parent, he has no place disciplining her to begin with. That's your job and he needs to respect that pronto! It's not fair for your daughter to be treated that way. And he should respect YOU enough to treat your daughter with the love and tenderness she deserves. If he can't, time to shop for a new one! Your daughter is going to be using this to make her own choices for a mate later on. You don't want her to choose one that isn't kind to her and yells at her right? Your boyfriend needs to be a more responsible adult- and be the adult in this situation. Reading your question just makes me want to cry...I wish you and your daughter lots of luck!

Dear V.,
Does he love her? Does he love you? Does he want to be her daddy, even after all that's happened in the past? I found out that in our similar situation we needed really good counseling to overcome blended family issues. And believe me, it didn't take long once we got to the bottom of things. We had a couple of bad counselors before we found one who got to the root of it all. Now my husband has raised his 2 "step-children" into adulthood as his own and they love him as daddy. Your daughter must feel cherished by him, no question. You also must decide if this is all okay with you, and know if he is willing to work at it. You both have to be willing to be on your knees: in a humble posture.
You are leaving a leagacy behind in your precious daughter. Right now you still have a choice about what man will speak life into her and teach her well. He is teaching her about what to expect from men and even her ideas about the very nature of God. This is paramount. If he will work, and you too, (more than you think) miraculous things can happen! Otherwise, cut your losses. By the way, if you have a sort-of-healthy family, what do they think?
Be sure you are not having buttons of 'rejection' pushed in you while all this is going on, it can cloud your thinking. If so, there is help for that to, so you don't react out of that injured place. When we have rejection isuues from the past, we tend to see things through those glasses till we learn how to take them off. Take good care and best of life to you,
L. P

Hi V.. I work in the social services field and have seen first hand the effects it has on children when their parents are not on the same page when it comes to parenting. I am also a single mother with two girls, 8 and 14. I can honestly say that if I brought any man into my children's lives, he would HAVE to love them, accept them, and treat them with the utmost respect or there would be absolutely no room for him in my life. You are her mother, you are in control of who comes into her life, and regardless of someone else's opinion about the way you choose to discipline your child, that is your decision to make and no one else's. If you do not make a decision soon, you will be the one dealing with the emotional side effects that will develop as a direct result of your boyfriends treatment towards your daughter. I know you dont want her to suffer from low self esteem, and in today's world, we have to empower our daughters to love and accept themselves as they are, not as who society expects them to be. Self image is crucial to the healthy development of children and if you do not DEMAND that he change the way he treats your child the guilt you feel now is nothing compared to what it can amount to. I say these words with all due respect and appreciate your ability to recognize that there is a problem.

i was a single mother also and my daughters were that age, the main thing to remember is the most important person is your daughter. her welfare and needs must come first. i recommend you talk to your boyfriend and explain to him yelling at your daughter is not acceptable, that her welfare comes first and if things dont change then youll have to do whats best for your daughter. all kids are going to get in trouble and want to make you pull your hair out. but theyre your kid, and theyre supposed to be happy, and him yelling at her is hurting her emotionally and can do more harm than good

Dear V.,

Time to get rid of the boyfriend. The situation you're in is not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. According to what you've stated, his temper can be very volatile and he is not someone I would want around my child. You only have to pickup the newspapers, on any given day, and you can read accounts of boyfriends beating and even killing their girlfriends' child. It's extremely hard being a single parent and I know how tired moms can get, but your main focus, until she is at least 18, is your daughter. You cannot afford to sacrifice her wellbeing just to have a man in your life. This may seem harsh, but I'm just being realistic. You don't want to go through life, with major regrets, because of unwise choices on your part. God loves you very much and is faithful to those who seek Him. Seek Him FIRST and He will direct your path.

Lovingly,

B.

An eight year old girl should not have to deal with an unreasonable man who is not even her own father. She does not need to be competing for your attention as her mother, and you should not be dating until she is 18.

Both you and your man need to buy The Total Transformational Program. You're both wrong with your approach and you will be facing a serious problem by the time she hits puberty if you don't correct this issue now. I have 6 kids and I wished to God I had it when my children were that age. I too was a widow and then I remarried. My now husband adopted my 3 kids and has father them for 7 years now as a great man and a devoted husband and father with total commitment but without the knowledge that this program can give you, you'll lose control of her. Trust me! My beautiful little girl is now in an Theraputic Boarding school due to the loss of her daddy, even though she was young it still hurts, and then the out of control world she had to live in since I had to get going on working for us and my boys were arguing all the time. The new dad came in and really was and still is trying but without the real skill to deal with today's kids, you'll lose. It use to be that the culture protected the children. Now you have to protect the children from the culture and if your little girl is doing that now, she will find a place with her friends that will become misery loves misery and they will take her down a road that you both are blind about.
Good luck and GET THAT PROGRAM!

V.,

The biggest mistake to make is to send mixed messages to a child. You and your boyfriend MUST be on the same page. A male influence is good. They are often much stronger at disipline, However, his yelling or fit approach is not parenting, but reacting like a child himself. On the otherhand, no means no, bad behavior is bad behavior. You even recognize that the behavior of your child is not appropriate. Best advise, get on the same page as to what is and what is not exceptable. Show a united front or your child will manipulate the situation to her advantage and learn the wrong things. Once the two of you have determined what is or is not exceptable it is now your turn to discuss how your child is to be approached and what are the consequences for the behavior. The major key... stick to the consequenses and do not waivor as a couple. At times every parent will make a mistake and inappropriately disapline a child, but don't undermine the others action, only in private discuss it and if there is a "change of heart", the parent who made the "mis" needs to step up and change it. Last see if there is a class called growing kids God's way in your area. I can not say enough good things about it, it will be well worth your time.

J.
Las Vegas

You sound like a great mom! It must be frustrating when a person isn't your husband, yells at your daughter..I would be upset too! Is your boyfriend marriage material? Should you consider booting him out of your life? Or commit?
I would also consider really talking to Gary. Explain to him what you need from him, especially when it comes to your 8 year old. Yelling also doesn't work...I have struggled with that issue myself. And, I am constantly reminding myself that yelling just shuts down a child.
God bless you and best of luck!

If you've tried talking to him about it and he is defensive and angry, then you aren't going to be able to convince him of anything...and if your daughter is feeling down on herself now, it will only get worse as adolescence sets in. You have to do what you think is best for your child (and you), and it doesn't sound like this is what you want for her. I don't mean to sound like I'm telling you what to do...just want to encourage you to think about whether you want to put up with it for another 11 years or a lifetime. If the answer is no, as painful as it is, consider making a change for the better.

He sounds selfish, immature, and spoiled. And potentially abusive.

I would INSIST he get some counselling and learn some anger management... if you're not prepared to send him packing already, that is.

Hello V.!!!
I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago. It was very hard for me to hear how spoiled my daughter was or what a bad parent I was for not thinking like him. He yelled and gave her looks that could make any one feel uncomfortable. When he was not upset he was good to her. He was very Bi-Polar. My daughter grew to hate him and of course my x blames me. hahaha It is never their fault. My x and I share a son. When I noticed that our son was being treated better than my daughter I finally opened my eyes. I left my x about 10 years ago and I can tell you that my daughter was affected. She is now 20 years old and I have noticed she gravitates toward the same abusive kind of men. Because V., THAT IS ABUSE. I never in my wildest dreams thought it would affect my daughter since she was only exposed to it for a few years, but it did. I don't know what the best coarse of action for you would be , but keep in mind that the only advocate Hannah has is YOU. Maybe you all can go to counseling or parenting classes together. Those courses did not work for me , but they might work for you. Good luck V.. And please feel free to contact me when you are feeling down because I know the pain you are going through.

Gosh I don't think I have enough room to respond to this. You answered your own question when you asked if their were other solutions. You should separate. You know all the reasons why. She is sensitive, she isn't bad, she gets down on herself, she is your child, etc. I think you know where this is headed but YOU love Gary, that is understandable. There needs to be boundaries however, and it sounds like there are few. He calls her names, he is emotionally abusing your child. Pick a method a discipline and STICK with it. When that happens it works. I too have an 8 year old I know you love her but, you know the answer, you asked the question because you want a differeent one from the group. Please don't think I am trying to be hurtful, I support you I want to see both you and your daughter happy, and safe. You described a sad situation and sense most people want to present in a good light I am sure this is the tip of the iceburg.

Wow, as I was reading I could swear that I was reading about me. I am married now and my husband still feels the same way about my daughter. He adopted her and she wanted him too, but his feelings are still the same.

MY advice would be to get professional help! I don't believe that any family should live this way, but we do because I kept trying to help him understand. I don't think our men our "bad" guys, I just believe that they don't have the experience that we do. I do feel though that my daughter has recieved the short end of the stick and our family could be and should be much healthier/supportive of each other.

Please don't ignore the situation or hope it will solve itself. Kids will be kids and Adults do need to learn how to raise them and discipline them in a loving way. Maybe there are some parenting classes that you and your boyfriend could attend together to help both of you.

Hope this helps.
L. S.

Children can be frustrating...that is a given, however, it is inappropriate for your boyfriend to be yelling at your daughter. You will not agree on everything but how you handle that is important. A firm voice is ok..they know by the tone change, yelling is not. You don't need to explain all of your reasoning to your daughter at the time. She needs to know that no is no and the reasoning doesn't matter (it's a respect thing). If you say we aren't getting candy because it's almost dinner time that's fine. If she asks again just say no with no further explanation.If she asks again ignore her. Parenting classes for you and your boyfriend would be great as well as a book by Dr. John Townsend, "Boundaries." Counseling for all of you would be helpful so you can get professional guidance. Your daughter is feeling put down make sure when you both speak to her that #1 you are praising her for what she does right. "You're a good girl but that's not good behavior." Your boyfriend too should watch to make sure he isn't calling her names and criticizing her character.
I would suggest finding a charitable organization that you and your daughter can volunteer at or perhaps she might want to donate some of her toys or stuffed animals to needy children. A lot of organizations collect items for Easter baskets for the needy.
When you are not in a conflict sit down with your daughter and explain the rules of what you expect. Schools will sometimes have a 3 checks rule such as 2 warnings and a consequence. Lay those out to her so you are all in agreement then stick to it. If you disagree on how you will discipline your daughter you and your boyfriend need to discuss it in private..quietly. Kids are very good at pitting one against the other and you need to be a united front for her sake. Good Luck!

Although "Gary" is the only father your daughter knows, it doesn't sound like he is a supportive parent to her, which she needs desperately from a father figure. It sounds like "he" is the child when it comes to getting what "he" wants. He doesn't seem to realize that your daughter is a little girl. The only thing he seems to have taught her is that she is not a good person, which degrades her self-esteem greatly. As her parent, you need to realize that this individual is not a good person to raise your daughter with. You need to do what's best for your daughter, as you are her protector and need to always look out for her. Regardless if you have been with him for 11 years. You need to be in a position to do what is best for you and your daughter, and not accept what others do that may harm your daughter emotionally. Your daughter will feel more secure if you are looking out for her best interests and let her know that she is a good person. Have faith, you can do it.
I have friends whose mother remarried men who were never supportive of them, and it had life long effects on the kids. They no longer have a relationship with their mom as adults due to resentment regarding their childhood. You need to stand up for your daughter, and if Gary doesn't respond supportively, you need to break it off with Gary.

HELLO-Welcome to Mamasourse,i myself am a newcomer. on the question you put before us,i feel that you need to tell your boyfriend that if you want to remain in this relationship with me and my daughter,you need to go through anger management and parenting classes.i understand you have been with this man for 11 years,but he has no business talking to your child that way.if the relationship is worth saving then he will do it.i have been in a relationship for 3 years and my boyfriend helps me discipline my kids.i have 2 girls and we are on the same wavelength as to how to discipline them.and do you also think that the reason why he does what he does is because you are not willing to marry him?i read that he wants to marry you but you dont want to marry him.if that is the case then you both need to go to counseling.maybe after that you can move on as a family.but if not,you did the right thing by leaving him alone

Hi V.,

You both need to make a deal to see a MFCC counselor (together or seperately) who understands children to support you and your daughter. People who have the kind of baggage you mention have to work very hard to get over it and they have to really want to evolve beyond those feelings and behaviors. If he doesn't believe it is his problem or doesn't care enough to see someone with or without you, I would move on. This will only get worse as she hits adolescence. All kids need to be really secure to grow up in this society with all it's pressures. You owe it to your child to provide an environment that will provide her with inner strength, self love and confidence and that won't happen with an adult name calling, tantruming etc. Besides, do you really want that to be the male model your daughter has. What kind of mate will she end up choosing if this what she experiences as normal?

D.

Dear V.,
If your boyfriend was a new boyfriend I would tell you to dump him now! However, since your daughter grew up with him and loves him, it's better to try to find some sort of compromise. It sounds like your boyfriend just needs family counseling or some parenting classes or needs to read some parenting books to understand how an 8 year old acts. Also (and I keep telling my husband this) you have to pick your battles. You can't just yell at your kid all the time about everything. You have to let her get her way on some things and discipline her on the really bad things. But your main job is to protect your daughter and make sure she has good self esteem and yelling at her all the time is not going to accomplish that. My husband always tells me that I make excuses for our son too so I understand what you're going through. However, "he's only 5" is a good excuse for a lot of his behavior. And "she's only 8" is a good excuse for most of your daughter's behavior.

I like to use good behavior charts to help my kid stop doing something I don't like. After 10 days of good behavior he gets a special book or treat. Then we go for another 10 days, etc. You could try something like that with your daughter so you boyfriend sees that you and your daughter are trying to make an effort on your end and hopefully he'll try on his end to be more understanding.

Hopefully your boyfriend is willing to work with you on this. I hope it all works out.

Good luck.

L.

Growing up, my parents taught us some very important things about money. They taught us that money doesn't grow on trees, not to spend on trivial things, that money is earned through hard work, and the importance of saving. They taught us this by having us work to earn money and letting us purchase things that we wanted at the store with our own money. So, for example, in order to get an allowance, we had chores we needed to complete. Plus, instead of receiving our allowance every week on a certain day like most kids did, we had an account sheet with our name on it and we kept track of our allowance. So, once a week we would go in and get "the book" out and add our allowance for that week (You can do it less frequently if you want to like once a month). That way, we were able to save our money successfully and we were able to watch our money grow on paper. The reason it was easier to save was that the money wasn't burning a whole in our pocket. Then, if we went to the store and we saw something we wanted, we would ask our mom permission to be able to buy it and she would usually ask if we had enough money in the book and if we said yes then she would say ok but you need to write it in the book. So she would give us the money to buy it and first thing when we got home, we would get the book out and subtract the money that she had given us to buy whatever it was that we had wanted.

What I suggest to you is that you implement a system similar to this where you only buy your daughter the necessities like food and clothing and your daughter can decide to buy what she wants with her money. That way she is not constantly asking you to buy her something but she starts to weigh what is really important to her and what is worth spending her money on. This method worked wonders with my family and out of five children, four are extremely good with their money and pay all of their debts completely off each month. Three have their own homes and four have savings in their retirement accounts. Only one struggles financially and he did as a child with the book as well so it was a forecast for how he was going to handle his money.

Anyway, I've felt it was one of the most important things our parents taught us and in an age where practically everyone in this country spends more than they earn, these lessons are priceless!

I hope this helped!

You and your boyfriend (he especially) need to learn about setting limits and boundaries with your daughter, in a loving way. That means being firm, not permissive, but then not blowing up, either, when your daughter doesn't listen--just enforcing gentle consequences. "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" could apply here as well as "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (excellent book!).

Wow....V.....so many red flags it's hard to know where to start.
You REALLY need to listen to Dr. Laura. I'll start by saying you should at least read one of her books titled '10 stupid things women do to mess up their relationships'. Being with this guy sounds like one of them.
Based on what you've described....what are you still doing with a man who can't commit to you after 11 YEARS??!!
He sounds like a very immature individual....who seems clueless about kids...AND he CLEARLY has a bad temper beyond what should be acceptable. I wonder if he's ever hit you or her and you didn't mention that? Do you ever fear it'll reach that point?
For a grown man to treat your daughter that way making her feel the way she does IS wrong. Regardless how long he's been around her, it seems as if he doesn't take her personality, etc.,into consideration. And if it's true that he's been a part of her life for this long....and he considers her to be selfish, greedy and spoiled? Then he is partially to blame for those behaviors IF it's even true....since he seems to have so much input.
I have a wonderful well behaved 7 yr old boy. Not to be comical...but he's a breeze...we've said from day one that he came out a 40 yr old man. He listens well...does what he's told...we do have to reiterate instructions to him regularly...but we don't have to do it angrily. But regardless how easy he is....regardless that I don't find it necessary to raise my voice or get upset when he doesn't hear me or he's not focusing....he is still also a normal kid who gets the 'CAN I HAVES !!!!! If your daughter watches TV - that's what they do!...commercialism is geared to give them the desire to want it all. Not to mention the peer pressure from school when kids have stuff they don't have.
You can deal with all of that ahead of time. My son will call me over to the TV (limited to about 8 hrs a week) regularly And I NEVER tell him yes. But I also don't say no. I tell him we'll look into it. Or if we research it and it doesn't cost too much...it's a possibility. I tell him when it comes to food items that he knows we don't eat that way....all that junk food. But I would be willing for him to pick one and let him try it. Just TELLING him that satisfies his curiosity. 9 out of 10 times they forget about it!!! It's not just about saying no...it's easy to say no...but respect what they are learning. Conversate about it. Give a little leeway for learning and experimenting but have your boundaries. My son knows that I am open to listening to his requests but they will not always be fulfilled. They mostly just want you to listen and be as excited as they get about all this 'stuff' in their world. You and I know most toys are cheap and they'll be done playing with it after a handful of times or break. But give them the opportunity to learn and experience that without breaking the bank and giving them EVERYTHING.
When it comes to all the toys my son see's and wants... I tell him starting every January - write it down and it becomes his Xmas list. They'll see as you will that they'll change their minds about what's on that list 100 times before XMAS comes. But there is also room for purchase come Birthday...or other special occasions. But he gets at least a chance to believe that all is possible....and soon it also becomes unimportant to him after awhile. Because as we know the commercial is always more exciting then the real thing. And that toy or item that we could've gone out and purchased right away..is now completely unimportant and he's happy to add something else to his list and something else to look forward to. Considering we live in a self gratifying, quickly disposable society....it's true that kids do not NEED to buy stuff all the time. And it's perfectly ok that they learn to earn or wait for something they desire.
But none of this means that he's selfish, greedy or spoiled!!!! It means he's 7. The toys just change as they get older....and that goes for all of us. What 'collection' of things do you have that you just love? How about your boyfriend? He must have some interests that he spends his money on?
After all is said and done - whatever 'indulgence' my son got throughout any given year...he knows that every January, along with a new list...comes cleaning out of the old toys time. Stuff he knows and I know that they inevitably don't play with anymore. And he is learning that their are other kids who live in or come out of some tough circumstances. And so we gather up what isn't played with anymore and give them to a home for abused kids. And he'll mention them throughout the year...about how he plans on giving certain items away as soon as he's done....or when we shop now he'll ask if we can buy them stuff....and we do. Because thru it all he's learning to give as well as to receive and many times gets a bigger kick out of watching others open what he gives them. And yes, even with all of that...he's still 7 and will get the 'CAN I HAVE' or 'CAN I BUY' when we go shopping.
And I've learned to cut that off at the pass as well if I don't want to deal with it when we need to go out shopping. I may either give him a choice that day to take $5 of his own money to spend if he sees something. Or it may be a day where I give pre warning that this is not a day where he will have any time to shop or even look at the toy section. I make it explicitly clear that if there is any hassle about it - we leave the store immediately and he won't be allowed to go with me next shopping trip. He has his boundaries...and he follows them. But it's because he knows - in the end - he doesn't always just get a no, or your selfish, greedy or spoiled. He's shown respect and he's listened to even though his requests aren't always fulfilled.

Regardless however long your boyfriend has been around, or actually, ESPECIALLY for the fact he's been around that long without commitment and without finding a better way to communicate to a child, instead of making his own emotions more important....should be a big consideration for you that he should have absolutely NO input on her discipline or raising her. He isn't her father. ....and he isn't your husband...he should have zero input on raising her unless those circumstances change.
Your daughter depends on YOU to protect her...and to be HER advocate. If she's acting up, for all you know it could be in reaction to feeling like she's out there all alone if you side with your boyfriend...and/or letting him talk to her the way he does. 'Discipline' is one thing...but breaking a child's spirit and trust is another. Sounds like she herself has to find a balancing act between trying to make him happy, making you happy and feeling bad about herself at this point cuz she isn't 'good' enough.
Your number one focus should be to raise your daughter and not focus on a relationship. Especially when you stated that this has been an on and off again relationship?.....who knows what that alone has done to your daughter emotionally.
Put the time and focus on your daughter. He is not yet her father and should have NO say so in her upbringing much less her discipline. He really doesn't seem to understand kids at this age....and the last thing you do with them is name call and label them. If he was a 'grown up'...he'd spend more time trying to be compassionate and find the answers to her behavior instead of just being like some bully on the playground and calling her 'names'.
Check out Dr. Laura Schlesinger's books. I think for you it's a good start.
Our kids are a product of us. So pay attention to what you and your boyfriend are putting 'out there' that she is reacting to or being shaped by. Just remember that what she sees now...and learns now ...shapes on who she picks for a husband later.

It's 4 am and I am caring for my geriatric dog while I type. I hope this flows ok and makes sense to you. I'll be praying you find the right solution.
Keep us posted.

I'm a 47 yr old Mom, happily married for 14 yrs to my best friend of 19 yrs. We have one son who is 7 and a beautiful baby girl now 17 months.

Good luck and Godspeed.

T.

He has absolutely no right to discipline your daughter no matter how long he has known her. I am so sorry she lost her father at a young age. You have to make him understand that. If he overacts than maybe he isn't the one and would be even more reason for him not to discipline her. Call Dr. Laura. Good Luck but remember your child is acting her age. He needs to realize that.

sounds like your boyfriend needs an anger management class and some lessons on kids

call the school and ask if there is any place for parents to discuss things like that and if he doesn't want to go you better get rid of him, because his attitude is really bad for her and you and it will affect her for years to come

she is 8, you don't need to explain things to her, if she wants something tell her to save her money for it, if she doesn't get allowence, give her some, 5 to 8 dollars a week is good, plus she has chores she needs to do as well, without being told (I have a 15 year old who still needs to be told to clean up her dog poo, but, she cleans the bathrooms and dusts every week without fail)

my first one wanted a bird and she was 8 or 9, told her to find out how much the bird costs, the cage and the food and then save the money for it. She did, at $1.00 a week it took her 13 weeks to save the money and got a beautiful bird along with the cage and food and had that bird a long time

taught her how to put things on layaway and the second one saves her money until she has enough to buy what she wants

it is their money and they control it and don't ask me "can I have that" as they already know the answer

as for her ignoring you, think up a consequence for that, tell her once what it is and the next time she ignores you, say nothing and follow thru - say a movie is planned for Sat and she ignores you on Tuesday, just don't go to the moveies and when she asks why, tell her she is suffering from the consequence of ignoring you and don't say another word

when it happens again, do the same thing, takes patience, but she will learn - you are her mother and teacher

I'm a 39 year old Mother of 3. I believe your boyfriend has a right to disipline, because he is acting as a Father figure in her life. I do beleive that No-one is listening when there Mad. The only thing we hear is the put downs. I think what you should do is have a family discussion. On a happy day. She needs to hear what he is saying and he needs to hear what she is saying or understanding.

I have done collections for Medical Doctors for 16 years. When a patient calls screaming, all they have in there head is you screwed up, it's all your fault and I want you to understand how mad I am. No mater what you tell that person there not listening. I simple say give me your number and I'll look into this matter and call you back. When you call them back you have a nice calmed down person who is now ready to listen.

At the time of your meeting together each person gets to talk, with no interuptions from anyone else. When they are done with there comments, the other 2 say back what you heard. This is important, because all of our minds work diffrently and we process things and words diffrent.

Example: I told my husband for 2 years that he was mean to me. Everytime I said that he came back with everybody loves me, I'm a people person, I work hard for this family and so on. We finaly had a meeting the 2 of us, and I told him again you are mean to ME. No, I'm Not. My son 6 came in the kitchen to get a drink and he asked him. Am I mean to you ? My son said, no we are best buds. I said, I never acussed you of being a bad father. I said you are mean to ME. He turned and asked my son. AM I mean to your mom ? My son said, yes Dad you yell at her all day all the time. This opened his eyes, and he started to change his attitude towards me. Now I can say we are happy once again.

At the time of your meeting agree on punishments, diffrent punishments for diffrent crimes. This needs to be hung up where everyone can see them frequently. And you must stick to them. If punishments aren't working then have another meeting and change them.

One thing I have learned in life. Everyone has diffrent eyes and ears. We hear and see what we want! That's why there is always 2 sides of the story. Open your eyes and ears and try to see there side of the story. Dinner together and family prayer helps too. Try Daddy Daughter dates.

Good Luck, keep strong and remember your not alone.
J. P

WOW!

V., your boyfriend should not, under any circumstance yell or belittle your 8 year old. She's 8 years old! Our job as parents is not only to protect our babies but to teach them as we go. Prior to shopping, try explaining to her what the purpose of the trip is and that today "we won't be buying any new toys, etc." Your boyfriend is verbally abusing your daughter buy saying terrible things to her. Do you watch Super Nanny? She has some great advice for parents calmly giving their children direction and calmly disciplining, etc. Time outs, the naughty chair, etc are great methods. Taking a special toy away. Rewarding is just as important as setting boundaries. How about a rewards chart that would give her maybe some very simple things to help out in the house (making her bed, helping to set the table for a meal). By having a large man yelling at a small child, yes, it's intimidating and can crush her self esteem. HANDLE THIS SITUATION NOW! Your child comes first not a boyfriend who's not a parent and obviously has no clue when it comes to handling an 8 year old, not to mention a little girl. This could have long term effects if it continues. Please, please recognize this. Go to different websites for parental advice (supernanny.com, etc), buy books, do whatever it takes to succeed withour screaming and yelling. Join a working moms group for support in your area. I know this is hard to hear but I hope you take my advice to heart...we're all here to support one another and help where we can. By the way, if the boyfriend is not willing to also use different methods, kick him to the curb. Good luck!

I think you might try family counseling. HE NEEDS IT!

I think your best bet would be counseling or classes that help you to raise kids.You cna find classes through the Dept. of Children Services and if you and your boyfriend attend these calsses you can be "on the same page" wich would lessen the confusion for her and realive some of the pressure on you. Good luck and I hope things work out for all of you.

Unbelievable, I can't beleive that you have such a man in your home. Your first priority should be your little girl. Your boyfriend's attitude is probably the reason she is like she is. Dump the boyfried and you will see the change in your little girl.

Usually when adults point fingers (she's selfish,greedy, spoiled) they are the ones with those issues. Parenting should be loving, supportive and understanding. What kind of role model is your boyfriend for the kind of man you want for your daughter's future? He has a family responsibility to respect both of you in a manly way not a childish way. Would parenting classes help?
Good luck.

Hi V., my name is A. and I too am new to mamasource. I read your story and boy did I get Dejavu! I WAS in the exact same situation as you. I have a now nine year old sweet boy, I was with my boyfriend for 10 years(off & on) and he too thought my son was spoiled and bad-mannered because he didn't always listen to us. He constantly would say that my son needs to learn how to respect and I spoiled him and "baby-ed" him thats why he was acting like that and he would storm out of the room and made my son feel like the worst kid in the world. He too is very sensitive and he would just hide in his room (I even caught him crying once, it broke my heart)......So you see i went through the same thing...My advice would be to pull your daughter aside and have atalk with her, make her understand that when you say she can't have something, she should please (make sure you use the word PLEASE) understand that you don't have the money to buy it, etc. and that she is not a bad kid, her personality and your boyfriend's are just different and nobody's perfect, then give her a hug and tell her you will have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Then talk to him in private and tell him that you don;t like the way he talks about her or the intimidating behavior and it has to change,OR ELSE, because after all, she is your daughter and it is your responsibility to protect her and make sure she is brought up in a health environment.I finally got rid of the guy about 6mos ago and yes it hurt,but my son is number one. I hope this helps. -A. ;)