Disipline and Behavior

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot believe that anybody would tell you that your boys are fine if they went through that kind of trumatic event. Yes we do hope that we get over stuff like that but trama sticks with you for life. My aunt 28 and her daughter 4 were murdered and it took me a long time to get over that and I wasn't even there. I was a teenager at the time and I wasn't even sure of my emotions and how to handle it. I had been through a lot of other really painful experiences through my child and pubscence. My family didn't believe in counseling you just get over the bad stuff. Well I finally did get over it, but it took drastic changes in my life to make that happen. I joined the army and I got my anger out that way. I'm not suggesting the army, but I am suggesting other healthy activties. Maybe something they can participate in that interests them. Sports, rock climbing, something so they are not just sitting and thinking about it. Maybe they can go to a grief camp this summer... But I would defintely suggest you look into a therapist that will understand your families needs. SOme good family counseling so you guys can work out your issues.

Oh and I don't know if this applies but fyi....you are still their mother...DOnt think you have to give in to them because of that tragic event. Get them to respect you so they will respect others.

dear. V.,
First of all i will say dont' give up hun. You just have to stay firm in what you say and what you do with them. Don't give in. I know its hard to not give in when its so much easier.. but from experiance it will only get worse. I have a 15 yr old son and he is haveing alot of problems with school and behavior. My situation is not as bad as what you have been threw but i left my husband and moved to a new state about 13 yrs ago. the reason i left was because he was abusive to me. never the kids but always me. My son holds alot of anger inside of him and is afraid to let it out. I used to give in to him rather then fight with him. but now i am regretting it cause things are so much worse with him. So please no matter what you do when you disipline them stick with it don't let them talk you out of it or talk you into changeing it to fit them. Stay firm no matter how upset they get. They will relize eventually that you mean it and they will start to improve. And praise them when they do good. even if its just to say you did a great job or i'm proud of you for doing such and such.. You will start to see that they will come around and you will have the control you seek. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat.. ____@____.com.. even if you just need someone to vent with i'm a pretty good listener.

Best advice: Get a new shrink. A person at any age will be bothered by seeing a dead man with a gun shot wound to the chest, much less a child. Even if they hated the man, it would still affect them somehow. Also, you say that they're boys and ages 13 and 11 and they don't listen or do what they're told? Good luck with that. It's first of all a teen thing to not listen and do what they're told and also a man thing. I have boys ages 18, 16, 14, 11, 5, 1 and a 43 year old fiance and none of them listen or do what they're told...especially if sports are on tv. I have male co-workers that range in age from 16 to 50 and they're the same way...so don't feel bad.

I'm not exactly sure why their father would tell them something like that. I don't know if you have tried sitting them down and explaining that their father would want them to listen to you now, being that he is not here. Also try explaning to them about the role of a wife in-general. Let them know that the wife is there to help the husband and to nurture her children. I hope this will help. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers.

like many others have said...get a new therapist!!! ANYONE WOULD WOULD BE BOTHERED BY A LOSS IN THE FAMILY.....ALL CHILDREN WILL BE TROUBLED BY SEEING THEIR FATHERS BODY LIKE YOU DESCRIBED.....ANY SHRINK WHO SAYS OTHERWISE HAS NO HEART AND NO COMMON SENSE......it sounds like a time for you and your kids to really pull together and be a strong family. dont give in to them and dont let them make you feel guilty about being a parent. stand your ground even when they dont listen...but at the same time be loving ..they need it now more than ever. i know a lot of kids that age do not listen anyway and sometimes feel it is their responsibility to push parents over the edge but if you are straight with them and do not back down then eventually they will listen. BUt in the mean time why not find a family therapist for all of you guys to work things out...you have suffered a terrible loss and need someone to help you deal with things.....i wish you the best

I would say try taking things away from them. I have tried this with my son and it workes but the more they do the more you take, I have gone to the point that all he has had left was a bed and his clothes and then he was like my mommy means what she is telling.

What do they do when they are "grounded"? If they sit at home and watch TV or play video games, it's not much of a punishment. Take entertaining things out of their room(s) such as the TV, phone, and computer and make it understood that when they are being punished, they can read or do homework, but that's it.
Good Luck!

I agree with a few others in regard to getting them into something constructive. If you have a camp, military school or something that doesn't allow them so much ability to make decisions for themselves. Their father gave them an incredible amount of authority to say "screw you mom" when he was alive and psychologically, they will still be clinging to the lessons of dad, even the crappy ones. I don't know your financial situation, and alot of athletic groups are expensive so check in with people to find a summer camp program that runs on income or a military school that offers scholarship money to help pay. You really have to help them get their heads on straight before there isn't any going back and it doesn't sound like you have alot of help. School will be out soon and you will be dealing with this getting worse over the summer! You may also want to plan a trip with them over the summer if you can afford to. Drive to the Ocean, spend some time away from home and everybody you know. Maybe they will drop some of the emotional baggage they are carrying, and you can get them to become part of the family unit as responsible young men since daddy isn't there anymore. Tell them you need them. Sounds like Dad left a big wall between you and your boys and you will have to find a way to respect what dad left behind, but tear it down at the same time. Let them feel like the "man of the house" since they understand that already, but teach them that being the "man of the house" is alot of responsiblity.