Any Advice on How to Help Me Deal with Daddy Leaving My Son and I?

I know. You are in the devasting stage. IT'S GONNA GET BETTER! My daughter was 4 months when we came home and found that her father had moved out without a word. What you described I truly felt. It was the most challenging time in my life. I recommend self improvement. Joel Osteen's books, Eckhart Tolle's new book - A New Earth, and developing a stronger spiritual connection. I understand why we have those tough times now - get what you need from it and grow forward. I would love to talk with you. Here's my e-mail: ____@____.com

I am actually a Family Law attorney in Northern California. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to chat with you via telephone ###-###-####. (no charges... just mom to mom!)

Just remember YOU are a strong woman and you will get through this. Be strong or that little boy. My ex-husband left when my son was 1, he is 5 now and I know he is much better off. We both are. This two shall pass.

Keep your eyes fixed on the Lord. Let Him be your husband. Your son is going to be ok, so will you. Get plugged into a small group at church. If you don't have one GET one. You are not a failure, as a mother or a wife. I don't know all the circumstances, but God does and He loves you and your son. I would not have made it through my divorce w/o God. My ex was cheating and I made him leave. It was so painful and I felt like a complete failure as a mom and wife. God showed me that my value as a women and mother had nothing to do with my ex doing what he did. I have since forgiven him, it took a while but I did. My son was 2 when that happened, he is 9 and sees his dad all the tme. He is doing great. Try not to worry about the what if's and just keep moving ahead. I know it's hard, but w/ God anything is possible.Please, if you don't have a church in your area that you go to find one. Find a church that will love you and support you through this very difficult time. And don't stop Praying:) I pray blessings on you and your son. Do't give up...press on.

C., everyone has given you so much wonderful advise. I'm believe in GOD and the different ways he shows ups in our lives. Born and raised a Catholic, private schools too, I removed myself when I was about 16 from the catholic church. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I started wondering about God again and went to my first Christian Cowboy service and then again I started this year after turmoil with the in-laws. I want to share a few things that I find very helpful from the Bible:

Doubts & Fears - Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Doubts & Fears - John 15:7 If you abide in ME, and MY words abide in you, you shall ask what you will , and it shall be done unto you.

Peace of Mind - John 14:7 - If you had known me, you would have known my Father also: and from henceforth you know him, and have you seen him.

C., when I'm having problems, I have found that I start reading the Bible again and this just started for me in the past 3 months, reading the Bible and going to Church. Trust in yourself and your support group. Be happy that his father still wants to see him. I am possitive things happen for a reason and God only gives us what He believes we are capable of handling. You've reached out for support and advice, and please know that advice is just that, ADVICE, take what you want and leave what you want...put it aside, mold it to what you believe will work best for you and your children.

Best of luck!
T.

Good morning!

I was glad to see you mention the LORD. I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. It is okay to mourn your relationship.

I am just writing to encourage you in that the LORD will make a way for you. The Lord's mercies are new every morning. Jeremiah 29: 11 says "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

I had this song come into my mind just minutes before I read your request, " He will make a way , when there seems to be no way, a way for me, I cannot see, He will make a way for me, He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side, Make a way,for each new , He will make a way , He will make a way.

Memorize Isaiah 26:3 and do it. He will do for you what it says.

You are not alone. Blessings to you today.

D. B. : ) Seek out a ladies bible study, there will be fellowship there for you and people who will pray along with you as you go through this difficult time.

This too shall pass.

Congratulations on your miracle baby! Focus on that.
Sounds like Daddy is avoiding mommie by picking the baby up at day care etc. SEEK COUNSELING! You are the main mirror your son learns in. If you are depressed, lonely, feeling victimized and abandoned he will surely pick up on these emotions. Trust me...I'm 51, my dad left my mom when I was 3, my sister was 5, my mother had a nervous breakdown when I was about 2 and she was very depressed and needy. To this day my sister & I are challenged with co-dependent behavior stemming back to an unhealthy childhood.
Find a way to change your thinking & your feelings will follow. You are on your way to having a successful career and your son will learn to be happy, healthy, confindent & optimistic by WATCHING, LISTENING TO & FEELING your vibes!!
His father is still in his life. That's a positive thing. No matter how much his leaving hurt you..it doesn't have to continue like that. Let go of all the hurt, shame, disappointment and live for today. That's all you'll ever have for sure.
I recommend getting the book on CD "The Secret" and listening to it over and over, dozens of times. It's relaxing, encouraging and inspiring. If that doesn't appeal to you and you're a religous girl then check out Joyce Meyer Ministries. She has an abundance of CD's and books on pressing in and letting go in relationship to biblicle teachings. Your state of mind is your biggest challenge. If you feel like crying, go for it. Just not in front of your son. He won't understand. Hundreds of little kids all over our country don't understand where daddy is...how do explain Iraq to a 2 year old?
Keep a photo of daddy near your son's play area, bed and maybe tape a photo of him on the frige where he can see & touch it.
Again, seek counseling to get the support and direction you need now. Don't feel like you have to go this alone!
By the way, I saw my dad every other Sunday from 10:30am-7:30pm. My life wasn't perfect but I was forever thankful that he kept coming to pick us up. I met other people as I grew up whose dad's just left, no visiting, no support, no nothing.
Spend a few bucks and get a couple of CD's or Books!
Start a grateful journal to keep in your purse. Everytime you start having a pitty party in your head, stop and think of something to be grateful about. It works, it really does. Remember, all any of us have in this world is today. Focus on today, and tomorrow will find it's way.
Here's a quote by Zig Ziggler "Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night." So keep your chin up sister and press on!
Fran

C., I'm so sorry to read your posting..........but the one thing I can tell you is that it will get better.

My husband left me with 3 year old twins for another woman, 3 years ago. It was an unbelievable shock, and very difficult, and the hardest thing was for me to hear my son say "I miss Daddy" over and over again (sometimes it felt like 50 or 60 times per day)...I just would empathize with him, and say, I know, you really miss Daddy........Now, he still says it, but it's much less, maybe 3 x per week. And that's ok................

I have had my kids (boy and girl) for 80% of the time since we separated (we are finally getting through the details of the divorce) and always felt like they needed more of their Dad in their life. Well, finally, we've gotten there. This is the first week that they have spent a week with their Dad (we've moved to a week on / week off custody) and so far, they seem to be doing great. I know that even this new schedule will take some adjustment for all of us (I found it kind of lonely this week without them), but my experience has been that kids get used to things.......and as everyone tells me, they're very resilient.

There are a couple of things I could recommend to you to help you through this time.........There's some great books (Mom's House / Dad's House) (What About the Kids) These are books for adults.......and there's some great kids' books about divorce. My daughter's favorite is Momma and Daddy Bear's Divorce.....she would ask for it over and over again........as well as Koko Bear's Divorce, and Dinosaurs Divorce (which I think is better for 5,6 7 year olds -- it might be too much info for your son). There's also a great group which is in the Bay Area called Kid's Turn.....and it's for parents and their kids.....the kids get to be in a group with other kids doing artwork and talking about how they're feeling, and the parents are in classes about how to be good divorcing parents. They are in SF, and I think have classes a few times per year around the Bay Area.

Overall, I would just say, it's hard.......for you, for your son......it just is.........But it will get easier for both of you -- I promise. Start seeking out other single moms -- I have such a great group of wonderful single moms with kids my kids age......it's amazing how they've just appeared in my life - and they are such a great support. There's also divorce support groups ( in San Rafael, there's Transitions Institute of Marin -- run by Susan Pease, who is wonderful)........

My best to you and your son.......

First I would like to say sorry for the pain you are going through, not only for yourself but for your son also. Thankfully he really won't remember much about Daddy leaving, they are so resilient at that age. I hope you have friends or family that can a support to you now and help out emotionally. And hey girlfriend, it's not that bad being a single mom, God knows you can handle it or he wouldn't have picked you to be your son's mommy. Keep focused on finishing school as this is an awesome accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself! And just take it one day at a time, give your son some extra love everytime you need some!

I didn't relaize your sone was so young, otherwise I could come by and throw the baseball around.

W.
____@____.com

Hello C.,

I was your same age when I became a single Mom to five very angry Pre-Teen and Teenagers...You become the Mom and the Dad...You love your child with everything you have...You trust that God would not give you more than you can handle...and you save your tears and your questions for the middle of the night when the house is quiet...and you love yourself and your child...I was unable to finacially provide more than a warm home and their basic needs...but to this day each and everyone of them knows they are loved...I think that was the greatest gift...Always be the "better" person...never speak ill of your son's father...Always be love and always be light...You will survive this, just as you did the birth of your child...you are living a true blessing...I am here is you need a pep talk now and again...its not an easy road...but many have walked it before you...and I am sure many will follow behind you...

My heart to yours,
T.

C.,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When my daughter was 1 my husband moved out. I remember feeling lost, alone, scared, angry, and like a failure. I felt like I had let my daughter down. I made sure not to cry in front of her and made sure she got to see her Daddy as much as possible. And then I realized that I didn't fail her. He left.

Instead of letting the situation bring me down, I tried to stay positive. My motivation to get up in the morning, to go to work, to stay up late and do household duties after she went to sleep, to keep taking her to do fun stuff, was her. Everything I did was for her. My daughter gave me the energy to keep on going. And even though her Daddy was gone, I knew she would always be loved by both of us and our family.

I focused all my energy on her and I. My revenge, was to show her Daddy that I did not need him. That I could do this on my own. It was his loss.

And I know now it's hard. But as each day goes by, it will get easier. And you'll get to a point where you just can't cry about it anymore. You'll get tired of crying about it and you'll know you're ready to move on. As long as your son knows he is so loved by you and your husband, I think he will be fine. And remember to take care of yourself too.

My husband and I went to counseling and were able to work things out but I will never forget that time. If you ever want to talk, contact me directly.

Best of luck to you and your son.

First, just quit feeling guilty.... You have nothing to feel guilty ABOUT! Daddy is the guilty party, he left. You son will be clingy for awhile. Reassure him that YOU will NEVER leave him. And always tell him his daddy loves him. Daddy left because of you and daddy, not him. It is not his fault. Kids ALWAYS think it was because of them. See and talk to your pastor or someone else with the credentials to council you. Don't cry in front of your son. Focus on HIM and his needs. He is the blessing, get him involved with a child's group at church if you go to church. If you don't go to church.....START going to church and connect up. And realize there IS an adjustment period. Stay as consistant as you can, don't say anything negative about the dad, and like I said focus on your son and making his life good.

Life is not perfect for any child. Remember there are a lot of children in intact families that don't get any attention from their fathers. At least your son sees his father every other weekend. And, he has a loving mother who adores him.

My sister has a 2 year old son and is raising him on her own. She decided not to marry the dad after realizing that they really weren't meant to be together. She was 36 when the baby was born. She didn't think she could do it on her own but she is a wonderful mother.

The father married another woman 10 months after his son was born and 'adopted' her 2 children. He comes around when he can but not enough. My sister never speaks badly of her son's daddy. She does encourage the dad to spend some time alone with his son because it is overwhelming to be with dad's new 'family'. She doesn't let her son stay overnight because she doesn't feel he is ready yet.

She is finding that it is helpful to surround her son with older male role models like uncles, cousins, etc. They need that male interaction that a mom cannot provide. Loves to wrestle and be tossed in the air (gently) and wash cars with my teenage son. I believe this is great experience for my teenager too. Also, our brother, who never had kids of his own, is stepping up and spending lots of time with him. Again both of them benefit and my sister gets a well-needed break.

I have been in your sons position before, my father left when I was five. The hardest part wasn't that my father left it was watching my mother fall apart. My advice is to try and get as much social support as you can at this time to help you with this transition so that you can be reasuring to your son that everything will be okay (because everything will be okay). Your school may have free counseling services if they have a Psychology/Counseling department. There are also many community agencies that can provide free counseling. Your doing the best you can for your son by allowing him to see his father. Your son's seeking behavior is normal for the situation, all you can do is reasure him of when he will see his father. Try to work out a consistant routine with the father, consistancy will help your son get through this adjustment period. By all means finish that degree, that is something to be proud of.

Cry all you have to.....take a lot of walks.....see a shrink...your son will have separation anxiety....its normal!
say nothing bad about his dad....ask the idiot to say nothing
bad about you....hang in there....this too will pass....
Gramma D.

I just saw this and have been reading the responses. Do you get the feeling this is a national epidemic? Well the same thing happened to me more than ten years ago. My husband of 11 years left me one year after our child was born. I couldn't have felt more blindsided and devastated. It was incredibly difficult and a life altering event in many ways. I had the same sort of feeling, that somehow it was my fault and my dreams of a happy home with 2 parents were over. But the truth is, in hindsight, I can see that it was for the best. But it took me about 3 years to reocver from the emotional impact of it. You may need some counseling-I did and I also had a group of women's support that was immensely helpful. As you can see from this site, women can be a powerful force of healing and support. Take care of yourself and realize that no one has the perfect happy childhood, but you will build an excellent childhood with yourself as Mom. Also, just so ya know, I remarried a man I am much happier with who is an excellent step-dad. Much luck to you.

Hi C., sorry I do not have any advice for you, but I did want to give you some words of encouragement. You have stumbled across a huge stone; however, you one "can" lift yourself up. We are all here to help you in encouraging you for the good job you are doing in raising your son practically on you own. Just make sure your son doesn't hear you don't talk negatively of his father. You are the better parent and he will see this, and if his father ask for him don't punish your son by not letting his father see him (I doubt you are doing this, but a little reminder won't hurt). You will be in my prayers and hopefully you and your son can move forward. Remember the only way to move forward is to forgive!! Best of wishes, take care and God bless you and your son.
A.

I am a mother of 6 kids, having had my last 2 at 41 and 43. It is hard to have kids late in life but can be done. You may still be suffering from postpartum depression. I would look into it. I don't know why your husband left but if there is still a chance of reconciliation then maybe you should look into what is up with your hormones. I went to a group therapy class called IMPACT ( much like DR. Phil methods) and it helped me enormously, mainly in knowing that one person is not to blame and to accept my part in every choice and event that ever happens. We all need to be accountable for our decisions and actions. I also started taking hormones for a while until I found the wild yam products.
You should start counting your blessings. Even if you never get back with him, you should be grateful for the time and your miracle child that came as a result of your time together. When you look back, don't think about the sadness, think about the good things, life is too short. You need to keep yourself happy. Keep up with the schooling. It will give you a sense of accomplishment.
Good luck. elaine

I was a single mom for the first 4 years of my daughters life even though he left when she was 2. He was never interested anyway. Now I am with a man for 10 years now and he is what she knows as her dad. She has had contact with him here and there and knows she is his father but she does not know him as well. Keep your chin up and remember there is a plan even when we don't know what it is. Your son will bounce back and he will be fine. It is tuff for us moms but I promise it does get easier and he won't see the fighting anymore either. That was the hardest for us. He will be able to relax more because you will. Don't cry over him you did your best and if he is not accepting that then oh well someone else will. In order to love your son to the fullest you must love yourself. You are a great person and that is all that matters and to him you are MOMMY the only person he knows he can count on and that is the most important!!!

M.

Hi C.,
I just want to encourage you. God made you in the image of Himself. Lean on Him and He will get you through this. I think one of the hardest things about being a mom is watching our children suffer or being hurt. Jesus closes one door and open another window. You can do this for yourself and for your son! Your almost done with your masters keep going!
Blessings,
T.

I agree with what everyone has said already - the hardest part is to reach out for support...good for you!
I experienced something similar about a year & a half ago where my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Our daughter was about a year old but understood that daddy was leaving everytime he brought her home. I couldn't stop crying myself, and I tried real hard not to cry in front of her. He still wanted to be around her, just not me most of the time, although for our daughter's sake, he would come over for dinner or we would go out as a "family." Those times were painful too, but I was still praying for reconcilliation.
I ended up reaching out to my Bible study group & prayed real hard. I was praying for my husband to change his mind - we were only separated...but I also prayed for a change in my heart & behavior - that whatever happened between my husband & me would make me a stronger and better person for me, my daughter, and whoever the man in our lives ended up being.
It sounds as though you are a strong woman! Take care of YOU - otherwise you will be no good to your son. When your son's dad has him every other weekend, take advantage of the time to yourself - go to a spa, or get away, or do something that you REALLY enjoy! I would go seek counseling as well whether from a church or family therapist. I will be praying for you!

Hang in there. It will get better and easier. It is really great that you don't let your feelings get in the way of your son spending time with his father. That is really important. It is great that you give him that. He needs that male influence. You will get through this and look back on the journey surprised. Heck, you may even learn something about yourself. I bet you'll be surprised at how strong you really are.

K.

C., I don't know what the other 79 responses were, but I would like to add mine because I use to be a professional counselor of parents of divorce. www.children-and-divorce.net

The practice consisted of divorced parents who wanted to learn how to co-parent for their children's sake. The ebook is on my website. I have never really promoted it before on this site, but it is so relevant to your situation and what you need.

First of all, this is not your fault, so let the guilt go. Your former husband did what he did because of himself. I am guessing, that somewhere inside him, he could not handle having a child - some men have that reaction.

Second, if at all possible, see if your son's father would be willing to participate in co-parenting. This means that he would see his son a lot more often which would be extremely helpful to your son.

Third, find a 6 to 8 week divorce support group for yourself. You are still going thru the affects of the divorce. Don't go any lonter than 8 weeks because studies have shown that when you go longer it perpetuates the affects of divorce.

Read lots of books. It really helps, especially an old classic, Crazy Time : Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition by Abigail Trafford.

And congratulations on building a career for yourself. That will help you tremendously.

The best to you. This is the beginning of a new life. It may be scary and sometimes sad, but can also be very exciting.

M.

Hi C.,

Two years ago after a break-up I didn't see coming I found a wonderful website called www.soyouvebeendumped.com. It has a lovely on-line community that will help support you through this difficult time.

I had been with my ex for fifteen years and had 3 children with him.

Not sure how I would have survived without this website.

Good luck to you!

If you need an excellent lawyer who practices family law, I can recommend Rachel Baer. (She's kind, caring and really has her client's best interest at heart.) ###-###-#### ____@____.com *Tell her C. recommended her, if you contact her.

Bless your heart -- C.

My husband left me when I was eight months pregnant. Now I have a 3 1/2 month old and am going through a divorce.

It's scary. I'm not through it yet, so I can't speak from experience as though I found an easy way through it.

I feared him taking her away as he is very much in love with her, and can't stand to be with me. It broke my heart.

I guess a few things that helped me were: exercise -mommy and me aerobics at mill valley community center or yogakids in presidio (helps mood), my ex visits here more often (or I wouldn't sleep much) and doesn't take her away yet(can you get dad to feel comfortable spending time at your place during week?), therapy, arguments with the dad that help it to hit home that this is the right thing for everyone, homeopathics for mood like ignatia amarata, st. johns wort, and evening primose, or checking out match.com for a laugh. But the thing that helps me the most is my daughter. I hold her at night, and spend all my time with her. Her love and her laughter help me to heal. She is my miracle and my world.

Hi C.,

I just read your posting and I want to say that I am so sorry to hear the daddy has left. I haven't been in your position, but I have had friends in your position. I can tell you what they did to help. First, counseling is very helpful- gives you a better insight on what to do, who to talk to etc. The person is neutral and so you can share with that person whatever you want to. Also, I don't know if its possible or not, but speaking one-on-one with the father to talk about how you are both going to help your son through this transition is very beneficial.(you could talk with a counselor if its more comfortable) You don't have to go into why it didn't work, just talk about your child and how you both together can help him adjust. Children pick up on everything so yes, your son is definitely hurting for his daddy and doesn't understand why he isn't there. The more you can show your son that you are there for him and are not leaving too, will help. Try to remember that you are a great mom and do whatever is best for your son. Also, talk about daddy in a good light-- don't say anything negative about him when your son is around. Be encouraged and I wish you all the best.

Molly

Hi!
Take it one day at a time. Try to have something planned for each day so you can focus on that (even if it's a trip to the post office) instead of Daddy being gone. My husband has to travel for work occasionally, and the best trips are the ones where I've made the extra effort to have a playdate with friends and/or get out and do something special with them. The hardest days are the ones I'm at home with them trying to get everything done (and of course, nothing gets done, just a lot of tears and argueing!) Laundry and dishes and chores can wait until they're in bed, but take extra trips "to explore", to "find pirate treasure" or check out a new park. Even a trip to the library! Get together with some friends with children from church. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your current circumstances and for the sadness that it's causing you and your son.
My recommendation would be to seek out a good Homeopath in your area. Homeopathy is a powerful energetic and is completely safe with children. Homeopathy doesn't suppress symptoms, only guides the vital force in MOVING THROUGH the situation. It's extremely effective when working with the mental & emotional bodies & can be hugely effective with grief. Given the right remedy, people often say "I just feel more like myself..." Children tend to respond especially well.

All the best to you & your son-
Dr. T. Fleck, ND
Santa Cruz, CA

Hi. I feel for you. Any kind of loss is difficult whether it's a separation, death, or divorce. You will get through it... it will just take time. When I became a single parent, one piece of advice I was giving was to never bad-mouth the father in front of the child(ren). It sounds like your son and his dad see each other on a regular basis and this is very important. I wish you the best.

Dear C.,
I am here to encourage you. I have seen many children manage to become wonderful kids without one or more of their parents. It seems like the worst thing in the world has happened, but you don't know the end of the story...only God does. "He is the same yesterday, today and forever" and although this is a terrible loss, you can always rely on God to never leave you or forsake you. He has a plan and He is going to care for you. In the Bible He is very specific about how deep His love is for "widows and orphans". There are people in every congregation of believers who are suffering the same burdens and even worse. But, the care you can give each other will help you through. Find a church that will help you and your son. People often say it "takes a village" to raise a child and it does! Find a church and you find a family. People often will rise to a challenge in spite of their natural desire to just care for themselves. Make your needs known and give back. The more you care the more you receive.

Your son will become your greatest treasure! God gave you this gift and He will keep giving! Be encouraged, this is only the beginning of joy, not the end of love. This is the start of your life, not the end of your marriage. You will find when you put your faith in God, that He restores your faith in yourself, and your beauty and purpose. Raise this son up to be the man your husband should have been...and still might become.

God bless. Ev

You can do this, it will be easier as time goes by. At some point you may even thank your ex for doing you a favor. I had to kick mine out when my daughter was 4. She is now 19. It was hard at first doubt anger fear etc. But for your son not to around either the negativity or the fighting is better for him One day at a time (cliche) get a support network, and take time for yourself when he is with his father. A hot bath is free and a great way to think, plan, dream. My ex's mother told me I would find someone who was right for me. It took awhile, but I did and he is a wonderful step-father to my daughter. Good Luck!!!

Oh honey, just hang in there. It gets easier. You can cry it out every night after your baby goes to bed. He'll adjust, he'll be fine. I know exactly how you feel with the guilt, but it's not your fault and you haven't let your son down. You have to grieve for the loss of your marriage and for your son's change in environment all at once and that's overwhelming. Just try not to blame yourself and get into a new routine as best you can. And then have friends/family to talk to after baby is asleep, and plenty of tissue for crying. You'll get through it. Take care, I'm so sorry for your pain. C.

Keep your head up. I know it's bad now,but it will get easier and better. Be strong for you son. Let him know that it's not his fault (nor is it yours). Let him know that you love him. Also Do Not talk bad about his father. He will grow up remembering all the bad stuff you said about his dad and may resent you for it. You have a beautiful son and as you said almost lost your life, so be happy that you are here and with your son. Live day by day and it will get easier.

I think you are right not to have any physical contact with the ex. I could not contain myself when I saw him and when he brought his girlfriend around. I remember late one night I had no money, no food, and the TV went out. They came over with diapers and food.My kids were asleep it was after midnight. I saw her in the car and stormed out. I yelled at her and looked like an idiot. But what made me so mad was my son was having nightmares and waking up wanting to know where his daddy was. When I told her she just laughed. I refused to let her come near my home after that. Mad for a long time.Mostly hurt, yet I probably would have evenually left him. I think we have to grieve and it is the process. We try hard to do what is best for us and our children. I agree that energy from doing for others be it a husband or kids gives us a great deal of strength. I was single for 10 yrs before I remarried and that jerk left me for a honey on the internet. I was more hurt the second time. But found that after depression finally when away and it took the last 5 yrs I am strong. I do not need a man to validate me. It is a sin to worry is what one counselor told me. It is focus on your career and learn little things to make you happy, like now I have the remote to myself. Now I can eat when and what I want without having to fix a huge meal. Now I can stay up as long as I want. Money is mine not shared with a man. Decisions are scary at first but as time goes by I became a great problem solver. I handled crisis on my own. I made good and bad decisions with money. But they were my decisions. I think my children see me as strong and they also model that survival mode. I had my second hubby in with the Pastor for counseling and all of a sudden the Bible I looked at turned to a page that read a woman that takes a married man away has one foot in the grave. For what ever that one paragraph gave me peace. My pastor said I had every reason to feel mad and my ex was a jerk. He did not fix what was wrong and will keep doing the same things through his relationships & marriages now number 5. I am happy raising a granddaughter and was happy when I took my kids camping and doing fun stuff. A lot of times, men do not do well with a ton of girl sleep overs, and it was a blessing to do it alone. Find things that keep your mind busy and over time as you get strong and feel you are ok and happy is when someone comes in your life to become an extra happiness. I think too many of us get into relationships without healing first. Also people think that God does not give us more then we can handle but all the time people get more then we are able to handle. It is that time in crisis we get back to pray and God. When things are going good some times we forget God. Then things happen and we have to give it to him. We just can not heal without help and he is there always waiting to guide us. Once my friend said let Jesus be your spouse and I never understood because how can I get comforted physically? Now I understand. Live your life for him and nothing else is as important. Kids grow up and live their lives and another word of wisdom enjoy them when they are little. I never understood that either. You are so busy trying to keep up and be a referee and cook and bread winner that there are days that you think how on earth can I enjoy this. I will tell you later on in years it is the good things in our lives we remember and the bad seems to fade away. Make good memories for old age and think back on those great times. When you become happy it will draw happy people to you in business and personal life. Your career is a plus and a lot of self worth in a satisying job and career will motivate you. God Bless G. W

There is an organization in town that I think you should check out. It's called KidsTurn, and they have a lot of very useful, very developmentally appropriate information about how young children experience changes in their families. www.kidsturn.org. Check out their website and consider registering for one of their sessions to help you make this transition. It's important for you to learn about and focus on making it through this with your son's wellbeing at the center.

That said, it sounds like you are personally grieving so intensely that you need to take care of yourself, too. Do you have friends and/or family who are nearby and who can give you support? Do you have clergy or a counsellor you can talk with to help you process this change and accept it? If you are crying all the time, that can't be good for your son. He still needs to feel/know that the grownups around him -- and you're the main one -- can care for and comfort him, that you are strong and able and loving and so on, that there is joy in the world (which there is). I'm not saying don't grieve, but I am saying find a way to do it so that your son doesn't lose his mother at this juncture in his life. Developmentally he needs you to be a rock solid, loving, sensitive, responsive, available mom.

I come from a split home also, and I am so thankful to my mom for having the courage and strength to do it alone. She raised my sister and I and I thank her often for making the choice. As an adult I can see how challenging it must have been, however to me having one healthy parent is better than having two sick parents staying together for the sake of the kids.
Things will be great, just give yourself credit for being you.

Hi C..

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have two sons and have been a single mom the past 3 years. I found it was best to talk honestly to them about their dad not coming back. I also have to be sure not to talk badly about their dad or to show them too much anger or sadness beccause they will also take on those feelings, but allow them to be sad and talk out their anger. Even a two year-old can understand that daddy doesn't live with us anymore, but you can still visit him. When they get older they start putting together the pieces and realize that daddy made a choice. That is when it gets harder because they feel rejected or angry. If you start giving him all your love and acceptance now, he'll know he's loved and accept his dad being gone when he's older.

For yourself, I would recommend connecting with other women as much as possible. Are you going to church? You will find lots of support there. My church has helped me out not only financially, but with counseling, divorce care, child care during events. I've found babysitters who don't charge too much so that I could get away with friends. I think the greatest thing for me to get over the pain of abandonment was getting involved in things where I could help other people. In that way I met people who reached out to help me too.

I would really recommend getting into a divorce care group which you can find at most churches in the area. Try Home Church or Cathedral of Faith. Also, there are single parent support groups. Life can be stressful for you now, but try to look for the good things and bond closer to your son. Start new traditions with him. When you're feeling sad, give someone a call and talk about it. It helps to keep busy, but don't get so over burdened that you don't have time with your son.

It is good that you have your masters to concentrate on. I started school after my divorce too. It takes a while, but you will get into the swing of being a single mom. And again, take advantage of any help you can get from friends, relatives, and the church.

The Lord is your husband now, and believe me, He will take care of you. You will get lonely, but He will meet all your needs.

Stay positive and strong for your son. He is so young that he won't remember all your crying. My daughter was 2 when her father left to join the navy without telling me and after we were no longer getting along. I eventually had cut him off emotionally but I let him see her. Unfortunately it was at his convenience and he lacked being consistent. My life now is so much more wonderful and I am truly blessed. A long story short - there is light at the end of the tunnel and after the rain clears there will be sunshine in your life again. Believe it for yourself and your son.

The best advise is to hang in there. You are correct - life will never be what is was, but that is not all bad. I raised my daughter alone from about the same age and there were " no - daddy" issues for her. So I encourage you to let the visitation continue for you son's sake. And for those times when you are alone, find something to fill the time. With your education going you can always study. Do some volunteer work. Maybe at the day care or library where u can be around other children. It may sound cruel, but it will get easier as time passes. And after some time has passed the acute pain you are feeling now will lessen. And when the time is right for you u can date when son is with Dad. In my case when separation was fresh, my ex was very much into his daughter but after awhile he got bored with it and then finally did not see her at all. There is a grieving period for the lost relationship too. Just know that when u finally get angry with him you are almost there. Don't let yourself become a victim. Move on.

I saw this post in my email and I really wanted to respond. I don't have time to read through all of the other responses right now so please forgive if I repeat what has been said already. When my oldest daughter was 2, my husband and I separated. I learned years later that even at that very young age my daughter believed it was her fault. Tell your son that it is not his fault Daddy left and Daddy still loves him. I know you are worried about your little boy but please know that feeling guilty on behalf of his father is not helpful to your son or yourself. Tell your little boy that Daddy still loves him and don't say anything negative about Daddy to your son. It must be very hard for your son to go from seeing his father every day to a few days every other week. Can you write to your ex and tell him what your son is going through and how hard it is for him? Try not to give him extra guilt (I am sure he feels it already even if he doesn't say so). The best thing you can do for your son is to treat his mommy kindly. Be good to yourself, watch your "self-talk", treat yourself to a mani/pedi once a month, whatever. Send the message to yourself, your son and your ex that you are still standing and you will be ok. Congratulations on nearly completing your Master's degrree. The best is yet to come.
L.

You right God has let you and your son live so now live for God and he will see you through don't give up. Now you have cried I now it very painful find a good Church home and Pray for encouragement Pick yourself up and stop letting him control your emotional state. Just know if you believe God will send you someone to love you and your son in ways you never knew before just trust and lean on God let him love you and show all his blessing renew your mind that where the real battle is at. Get some christian inspired books to read Joyce Meyers, John C Maxwell these are great book at the Attitude of the mind and heart Changing your attitude will change your outlook own life and give you a wonderful future for you and your son. Just remember God has plan for your life just trust him and he will show it to you. Have Great Day.

HI-
I "left" my ex husband when our daughter was 2. Although it was hard to be a single mom and watch my daughter miss her father she is now about to turn 14 and she knows no other way of life than having us be seperate. Being a single mom although hard was a blessing as well because she and I are SO close and have a special bond she will never share with her father. You will find so much joy in your son and he in you that these times will become a distant memory. Hang in there!

I'm so sorry. I know it feels like your world is ending. It's not. You have a miracle baby boy and it seems like his father loves him. Your ex has just lost his way. Don't concentrate on him and your pain. Please please try to keep yourself healthy. If not for you, do it for your son. He needs you more then ever now. Moms are the ones who are left to clean up the dad's messes. We are strong! Keep praying to the Lord above and continue to thank Him for your son. You are not alone. There are so many sisters out here to help you. Ramble all you want. Get it all out! You are not the problem. Big hug to you and your baby.

Dear C. -

My heart goes out to you, my dear. The good news is this: what you are going through right now is about the worst thing you'll ever have to endure. I know because I've been there, too. My children's father left me when I was two months pregnant with our second. We had been married for 10 years, and he just up and left, moving to Southern California to be with another woman.

You cannot do this alone. If you can, you need to get into therapy or a support group. Reach out to friends, your church, whoever can be of support to you. You need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold your hand, someone to help you with your son so you can regroup. And stay in school -- finish that Masters! You go girl!

Now -- LET GO OF THE GUILT. This is NOT about you, this about your ex deciding to leave. I don't know much about what's going on, but a guy who only sees his son every other weekend has ISSUES (again, BEEN HERE!). Don't get caught up in what 'you did wrong'. You deserve to be a little angry (not guilty) over what has happened. Use that anger to get on with your life, to take care of your son, and survive.

C., as I said, this is the worst. I know it's hard to believe, but it will get MUCH, MUCH better. And one day, you'll come to realize, as I did, you are MUCH better without him! Hang on to your child, reach out to your friends, one foot in front of the other.

Hugs from ALL OF US who have been there!

J.

Honey, I am so sorry.
I went through the same thing a year ago. Actually, I did the leaving because my husband wanted to date 20 year olds and felt too claustrophobic being a "family man." It has been a hard year, but belive it or not, it has been the best one of my life. I like who I am so much better than the person I was a year ago. My son also called out for his dad (he was a year old at the time) but that eventually stopped. He still loves his dad, and he spends every other weekend with him, but he gets over the transition pretty easily. The dad and I have worked things out and are friends. That's easy because I am in a much better place than him emotionally.
Now, a couple of suggestions, or things you need. If you have a good relationship with your family, turn to them now. Girlfriends are important - especially if they are single or divorced. Exercise is vital - it helps you feel better, get rid of stress, and it's always good to see your ex do a doubletake when he sees your deltoids :)
Another odd suggestion. If you don't have an ipod, get one. At least a nano. Find upbeat music to set you in motion. (I recommend Madonna's "Jump.") And I cannot recommend podcasts enough. Listen to lots of podcasts - whatever interests you. Keep your mind occupied.
You will get through this. You will be an awesome mom. You have not failed anybody. Get angry. Get drunk (infrequently, of course, and only when you have a babysitter). Get funny. But get that head up. Someday, your son will look at you and be in awe that you weathered this storm.

I know you have recieved alot of comments and suggestions about your particular situation but I just thought I share.

I am also a single mom and was going through the same things you are going through right now. My exhusband left when my youngest was born and that was very traumatizing for me to deal with. I couldn't breastfeed because I was crying all the time and I couldn't properly take care of my other child who was three at the time. I was given antidepressants and sleeping pills which I couldn't take because they made me very drowsy and I couldn't attend to my newborn baby. I often felt guilty too about what was happening so I can understand you as well. My son became very aggressive with me and others due to his father leaving and I was just overwhelmed with what was happening.

I am very thankful that my family was very supportive and helped me through this difficult time in my life. If it hadn't been for them, I am not sure where I would be right now.

Just hang in there and know that if he left is because he is not ready to be in a committed relationship and if he had stayed it may have been worse for you and your son. God knows why he puts people in our lives and why he takes them from us and its always for the best even if we don't seem to agree with him at the time. Keep the faith and keep praying. If you are not doing so already join a bible study group and get closer to God because he is all sufficient and he can help you deal with this and heal you.

Best of luck to you

One of the best things you can do for your son is to get some counseling for yourself. Studies have shown that the first year following a divorce is the worst, but things that really help this are: a) an amicable relationship between the separated parents, b) a positive emotional state of the primary caregiver, and c) maintaining routines as much as possible.

I know it's hard on you right now, which is why it's so important to reach out like you're doing right now. Hang in there, and it WILL get better. I wish you and your son many blessings as you overcome this tremendous hurdle.

You are strong and need to be stronger. Maybe you can find a church that has support groups of the same concerns. Pray a lot. I promise to pray for you, too.

Hi C.,

There's so much I'd like to say but it really just comes down to this. You are ESSENTIAL to this universe! How very brave of you to reach out to others -that shows incredible strength! As challenging as this time must be, what actually comes through in your letter is love, authenticity, and courage. You're son is blessed to have you as a mother. You show love by allowing his relationship to develop with his father. You show love by grieving your loss. You show love by sharing your story - we never know how our sharing can touch others. I can only imagine how hard it is right now but there's a strong current of energy that comes through your words. I send you more of what you already have!
All the best to you and your little boy,
T.

Just hang in there... My first husband left when my daughter was 6 months old - - - I was 20 and scared out of my mind - - - my daughter is now 17 and was just accepted to UCLA - - - it hasn't always been easy, but it has always been a lot of fun and rewarding beyond my wildest dreams.... The guilt never really goes away, but you will carry more guilt than you need to - - - your son will be okay - my daughter hasn't seen her father in over 10 years because he moved to LA and she has risen above all of it into a beautiful young woman.

I just had a baby in July - his father left when I was 6 weeks pregnant and has never come to see his son... I cannot believe that I am a single mom again - - - I only had the baby because he was insisted he wanted to raise a child together - he had already raised his children... I am still stunned that he left us, but I have to believe that everything happens for a reason....

Good luck - remember you are better off without a man around that isn't willing to commit to both of you!

V.

personally my parents should've seperated long before they did, but at their time the excuse was we are staying together for the sake of the kids.
I commend the father for wanting to stay involved in your son's life, cherish it while it lasts. however i have seen that sometimes the parents eventually get along better when seperated than they did while together.
even tho i am not a single mom, it sometimes feels like it. my boys are a little older than yours and they have never been clingy to dad just to me. but as time goes on your son will get used to it. and let your son comfort you when i have a bad day my boys will just come to give mommy big hugs i dont know if i helped any but IF i ever become a single mom i do have a back up plan of support, my mom lives close by and is always willing to babysit for me.
good luck

Sweetheart...hang tight. I know first hand that it is an awful space to me in. Do your best to figure the lesson from this in order to avoid further damage to you and your child. No matter what the situation, we all have a part in our split ups. It's all a matter of how we handle the lessons and what follows. As much as I would like to blame the entire demise of my marriage on his alcoholism and had plenty of fault in the way I handled it. I took full responsibilitiy of both my boys and flat out refused to "armchair parent". Twenty-six years later, I have two beautiful, highly respected sons whom are both awesome parents. You can do this. Look at yur glass as half full and thank goodness that you still have milk to spill. I'm hoping that all works to the good for you, your little angel and his Daddy. Best wishes!

There are so many wonderful responses already. I want to add to that in telling you that you need to protect yourself. I (and so many others) ave been where you are, and it does get better, but it is so easy in your grief to not focus on protecting yourself and your child. Whether you need to protect your finances, your emotional health, your physical health or your spiritual health, remember that your child needs you.

Get rid of the guilt, see someone (a counselor, pastor, advisor) that can help you get focused. You are no good to your son if you are ensconced in guilt and grief. Experience the feelings, don't stuff them inside, that's not healthy either, work through them, and in time, it gets better.

with love and light

Of course you feel rotten right now. Everything you're feeling right now is perfectly natural under the circumstances. And, it's best to just take it one day at a time. And, if you can get some talk therapy, that would be a great support to you right now. But, know this: In the long run, you will be much better off. The dad (your husband, I'm assuming?) has shown his true feelings. Best not to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be there for you and your son. If you've got the energy, get yourself involved with other parents with little ones to commune with other single parents and try to keep your mind off this guy. Your son will adjust. Do your part to not make it traumatic for him.

After being married for 14 years, my husband and I divorced. That was 25 years ago. My ex-husband was never the kind of father to our kids (3)that he should have been. Always wrapped up in work and himself. If my kids tried to kiss or hug their father, he would pat them on the back and kiss the air near their cheeks. After I left, he eventually figured out what he had lost. Most of time, while the kids where growing up and after the divorce he would spend quality time with them when it was his weekend. Before the divorce, he never spent the kind of time with his children that a loving father is supposed to spend, but after he lost what he had always taken for granted, my children got only the best of their Dad. Sometimes, divorces happens for the best, where the children are concerned. It wasn't until after our divorce that my children actually MET their father.
I was the single mother of 3 children. It was had at times but very rewarding. Hang in there. Time does heal all. Your son will be fine. Children seem to take separations and divorces much better than we adults. They are very strong little people and can take alot more than we think they can.

dear C.:

we have roads that are not always the easiest ones to travel, please carry your load light..... look at all the blessings you have, and be thankful for them..... pick your fights, do not waste energy on things that are not going to bring you peace..... remember that the more energy you put into something it will grow, so if you feed your guilt, anger, sorrow etc, you are not reinforcing the positives, so please C. wake up in the morning and see that your ex husband made his choice and you have to go on, your son is a baby and does not blame you for any thing, so please take care of your self, you can not give what you do not have.
continue on your studies, take good care of your health, eat healthy, go out with friends when your baby is with his dad.... we all need to check our support system...

do not listen to negative talk, you are educated and will go on to be a great mom, and a happy woman....
peace and happiness does not start on the outside,,,, please cultivate your inner self .... let all negative thoughts go, wish your ex well and go on with your life..
warmly,
sandy

You just take one day at a time & you will come thru this a much stronger person. I have now been single for just over a year. I have two children - a girl who is now six & a boy who is almost four. We had been together for a total of 24 years & I never in a million years thought that I would ever be a single mother. It was very hard for the first few months as both the kids were really missing their Dad & would get very emotional & cry their little eyes out & it was very very hard for me as I was crying alot as well but I had to keep it together for their sakes. I don't have any immediate family here so it was harder for me but I survived as I have a great circle of girlfriends. Never thought that I would ever say this but I am happier now that we are not together, my girlfriends have said that I have come out of my shell in this past year (didn't know that I was in one :) ) It is still hard sometimes as the kids see their Dad every second weekend for the weekend & I still have to be nice to him for their sakes but then I'm not a spiteful person & we do get on.
I hope this helps, it may not seem like it now but you will come out the other side a stronger person, a much happier person & a better mother to your son.

Take care

K.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's a very stressful time for you and your baby- but time will help, believe me. The best you can do for yourself, I think, is to be sure to find a support network if you don't have one. This will help you cope-- and to not rely on your son's company too much. He will be okay with time, and may not even remember when you two were together (my daughter was three when her father and I split up and she does not remember us being together. She is very well adjusted, now at age 20!)

Also, finding a counselor who can work with you (which maybe you could even do through your college?) could help so much.

Best of luck to you--

Dear C., My instinct is to tell you to keep your head up high. Your son needs you more than ever now. Keep your mind on your son and your studies. As I approached the completion of my Master's Degree, my love-life was in the worst shape ever. The emotional distraction can sabatoge your success. Don't let that happen to you. Just keep counting your blessings. You've got your beautiful miracle baby with you and no one knows what the future will bring. If you have to crumble, do it after you've put your little one to sleep. Keep yourself surrounded by good friends and family members who understand you. I'm here if you need me. I was an older Mom as well (I was 35 with my first child). One thing I can say is that at times our own, personal stresses can overwhelm those around us as well as ourselves. When this occurs, often times our men turn to fleeing. This doesn't necessarily mean they'll never come back. It just means the flame got too hot for a time. Be good to yourself. Read and take lots of walks. Good luck in all you do! D.

I think you are already well on your way, just by seeking out advice...use all the support you can get right now! Your little guy will be ok and you WILL be ok too. I know it is hard for you right now, change is always difficult, and in reality, only time will make things better. But the good news is, your son has a mom that clearly cares about him and puts his interest first (letting your son see his father, even though I am sure you are angry at the father). What I think kids need most in their lives, even more than having a two-parent home, is to know that they are loved and valued. Lucky for him, he has a smart, wonderful mother who really loves him. With that under his belt, he can get through anything, and so can you.

Hey sweetie! I am sorry for your loss, but in a shor ttime, if you are strong, the guilt feelings will pass. The only reason you SHOULD feel guilty is if YOU did something that made him leave, such as something illegal or immoral. Other than that, try to let those negative feelings go adn focus on your future! Remember, you can't change the past. Your son is really going to need you more than ever now, and you will ahve to be strong for him! Most of our single or married friends cannot understand the loss we feel, so talking with someone who has actualy been through your situation is the best way to cope. And crying is okay! I did that a lot! It will pass, I promise!

First let me say, I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I understand all your emotions you're feeling right now. I have to put it out there and let you know that you have to trust that God is going to take care of you and everything will work according to his plan. If you don't believe in God, I hope I haven't offended you. I have gone through this same situation when my son was the same age, except I left. I left because I wasn't being treated the way I should've been treated. I didn't want to raise my son in that type of environment, and wanted him to respect me not only as his mom, but as a woman. If I stayed the behavior of his dad would've definetly been embedded in his upbringing and I wasn't going to have that. You must know that things happen for a reason, and the only thing you can do is be the best mother you can for your son. My son went through the same seperation thing, and witnessed a lot of me crying, but it was good for him because he saw that mommy wasn't super woman and she was human. Sometimes we don't want our children to see us hurting, but it's the outcome of our bad situations that we want our children to see. My son is 12 now, and he saw everything I went through and now respect me as a strong mother. It's hard with boys because they do need their daddy in their lives, and you should be lucky that he sees him every weekend, because my son barely gets that. Just pray that his dad eventually calls to talk to him, and seperates the fact that you guys used to be a couple. He just doesn't want to talk to you right now, and that's fine, but he just needs to state that and tell you that he wants to talk with his son. Children need to hear from the out of home parent dailey, so they feel the love that they have from them. A 30sec phone call can do wonders, trust me. I now have a 2 1/2year old and her daddy calls her everyday. I feel sorry for my son because he sees this and it hurts him. Please know that men deal with things differently then us and mature at a wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy slower pace than us women. Hang in there and know that with time, the hurt,guilt, and frustration will soon pass. In the meantime deal with your emotions,and spend positive time with your miracle! God bless you and you're in my prayers! :-)

I am a mom of boys and we are just finishing the divorce process. I cried at the beginning too -- the loss of a family unit and the boys losing their dad to a 50/50 shcedule was too much for me. Now I am far less emotional, you will get there too. There are positives in your situation you cannot see yet -- the positive of you finding another person who can complete the family and provide a better relationship role model than the dad ever could (male role models are even more important for boys), the positive of you and your ex being more ease in separate lives without the daily stresses and emotions of living together. Take comfort that you have your son as much as you do (I know it is a ton of work), but he will get strength from you -- if you can put a positive spin on this, your son will too! I am sure you will get there!

Hi C.,
You've received a great deal of support and help. I can only add my experience. My sons were older, 10 and 7, when their father and I split up. We wanted to make it as easy on them as possible. Both of us refrained from negative talk about each other--and still do. We agreed upon a custody arrangement, 2 weeks with dad, 2 weeks with mom. At first the weeks they spent with dad were sad and lonely. I cried every time they left, and would go to Walmart and walk around just to keep from being alone! I too felt guilty but I realized later that both of us were responsible for the marriage ending. Both of us as parents did our best to provide loving homes for the boys and let them know the divorce was not their fault. Yes, it was hard, the most difficult time in my life, but I learned that I was a strong person and am proud of myself now for the person I have become. I became a self-sufficient, happy single mom. Partly because of the confidence I learned, I have been married for 7 years now to a wonderful man. My sons are now grown and are well-adjusted and happy and my oldest is a wonderful father to my year-old grandson.
Hang in there, pray a lot, and continue to be grateful for your blessings, especially your beautiful child! I promise it will get better!
T.

I don't know about California law but where I live the person who files first gets the house and custody of the children until the court hears the case. I'm not telling you to divorce at all but just to protect yourself and your son from further hurt. It sounds harsh to tell you this but sometimes the person who leaves then turns around and causes more heartache. I think maybe to justify what they did? Anyway just wanted you to think about this.

I know that life will get easier for you but right now its very painful and I hope you get all the help you need to get through this.

I had nearly the same thing happen when I was around 40.I had two young children. I don't know what these men are thinking when they abandon their families!! Thank heavens you have a career and are not totally dependent on your son's dad. Look into yourself and you will find resources you never imagined were there. As you overcome new obstacles, your will gain self-confidence and increase your self-esteem. Having your husband leaving you really robs you of your feelings of self worth. It is most important that you work on that to be a better parent.
I tried to keep my crying private (away from the children)and seek emotional support when I needed it. I found my children needing me kept me going on some pretty gloomy days. Resist the urge to criticize your son's father in front of him, he will see things for what they are when he is old enough. Mine did. A friend of mine who also went through this reminded me that each day will get a bit better. Keep that in mind.

Dear C.:

Hi! I'm S. and I just turned 42 years old. This morning I opened Mammasource planning to ask the same question as you.
Two days ago my boyfriend move out from the house.
The father of my son abandoned us since he was a baby. He had a great relationship with Enrique. I'm a Mom of a 3 years old boy. I started a relationship in March 16 2007. My son was so happy. Now is crying and asking for Enrique. They were shadows. I can't be with a man just because my son is going to suffer. Yesterday we cryed together. I'm strong but breaks my heart watching my son missing Enrique. I always explain everything to my boy. I told him we are strong, Mami is with you always and everything is going to be fine. Enrique two days ago Baptised Ulises. He is now his GODFATHER too. I will anulated that at church if I could. How man can be so miserable!! I now from my part I will be fine, I'm strong and I always can... I'm a Fire Horse. My e-mail is ____@____.com I would like to have you as my friend. Good Luck and thanks for your question because is helping me too. Best Regards,

There are many feelings to come in the near future for both you and your son. I think as soon as you let go and begin dealing with your own feelings you will be able to help your son deal with his. It is not going to be an easy task to start taking care of yourself, stop the crying and start only thinking of the two of you, but it has to be done. If your son sees that you are good and okay with daddy being gone then he should start accepting that as well and get use to the "new" rutine. Make sure you are positve around him, kids have such a great instinct to know how we are really feeling. Keep going in your studies and make something of yourself, this will be good for both of you. Seek some sort of family counseling for you two. I know he is only 2, but believe me, he understands more than we give kids credit for and this will benefit him in the long run. Besides, in some states it is required for the courts anyway.

I wish you well and will keep you and your son in my thoughts.

hi,
It is a real tough and sensitive question you are asking and i can only give you some suggsetions. Let your child know it is perfectly ok to be sad about his father, when he is like this, encourage him to do something to express himself. alot of people do not realize how much children actually understand. As it gets warmer outside do activities like go gathering pine cones, tie a string onto them paste peanut butter on the pine cones then sprinkle bird seed. Then hang them outside and sit and watch the birds as they come and feed off of your natuaral feeder. Bird watching not only will soothe him but you too. Don't let his crying upset you. The last thing you want is for both of you crying and neither of you in control. Keep in mind not to use his dad leaving as an excuse for not behaving either. That causes a big mess lator. In some instatnces your gonna be sad but do not allow this to influence your child. In the summer another thing that is fun is; buy some finger paints and a poster board put on a bathing suit and him a little swimmer go outside and paint your hearts away, cover every part edge to edge, when your done, wash off with the hose, let it dry, build or buy a frame:) you've just created a wonderful art piece and a lifetime memory. Just remember everything takes time and the heart takes even more time to heal, be there for him and you'd be shocked how he'll be there for you, even though he's only two. keep yourself busy and I wish you the very best and hope this was at least ok advice.

Your son is too young to understand now but oneday he will. Things will get easier with time. You just need to find things to pccupy your time expecially when your son is gone. Start having a girls night. You will be okay. There are so many single parent homes so its not like it is unusual thing. And your son is still young so this will be easier on him as he grows up.

I'm not a single mom - still married after 24 years - but I felt the need to respond to give you some encouragement. My husband has had to go to work out of town so we only see him on very short weekends. When this started, August of last year, I saw the effect it had on my nine year old daughter, who is used to seeing her daddy everyday. Normally a happy kid, she would break down in tears at the oddest times saying she misses Daddy. Sometimes she is deviant once her father is home since he is more stern with her than her more laid-back mom. It's been 7 months and I already see her settling down. Kids are resilient and adaptable in most cases. With major changes like your husband leaving, your son is bound to show signs of confusion, etc. but apparently he is adapting. As for you, don't let the weight of guilt press down on you. HE'S the one who left. I don't know what part you played in causing him to leave, but don't let that eat at you either. Now is the time for you to move on. Get that degree of yours and LOVE THAT MIRACLE BABY. I don't know where you stand in the spiritual scheme of things, but I am a follower of Jesus. I believe that whenever bad things happens in our lives, the Father can use it for good. It's so hard to see that now, but eventually you will. Hang in there and I'll be praying for you.

Hi C..

You are not alone. Your son's pain will subside as he grows stronger. He has two parents that love him very much and you are blessed to have your little man. My son was 2 when his father left also and he is 27 years old today. He has a beautiful young daughter today and has done well with himself. Time heals all wounds. Keep reminding him how much you both love him. If he asks why you are not with daddy just tell him you guys did not get along with each other but you love him very much. You hang in there lady.

N. Marie

You hang in there C.! My girfriend and her husband split up when her baby girl was 2 and they are doing just fine today (she is 14 now). I know it is hard. I went through a divorce- although it was before I became a mommy but it was scary and sad. I am also a product of divorce at the age of 7- again, my parents never put me in the middle and I have a healthy relationship with them both...the best relationship with my mom, who has always been there for me....just work for that closeness to develop with your son as he grows into a boy and a man .... pray for peace in your life and your heart. It will come...I wish you life's best and God's blesings through this time of growth and change. I know- it's still hard...ugh....like others have said...exercise and take care of yourself..mind and body and cherish your miracle baby. You will be so strong next year at this time when you can look back and reflect on today's tears. Know that your baby will have very little, if any, memory of this transition since he is so young.
Take care!
M.

Dear C.,
I'm so sorry you must go through this difficult time right now. Sometimes life really stinks!! I have never been in your shoes, so I can only imagine what you're feeling. My advice and encouragement is simply hang in there! You're little boy will be fine since he has a loving mommy and Daddy. I think that your decision to let your son's Dad pick him up from day care every other Friday is a good one. No matter how your feeling about your ex, your little guy still loves and very much needs to spend time with his Dad. I'm sure everyone will be telling you this, but, you are strong and you will be able to get through this time. Stay focused on school and getting your degree so you can have a great and rewarding career and support yourself and your little guy! You can do it! You need to stay focused and have a clear mind. NO GUILT! It is not your fault that your ex has left. It is not your little boy's fault either. It must rip you up inside to see your son looking around for Daddy! But don't despair, remember how blessed you are for your baby and be confident and happy knowing that you will be able to raise him and support yourselves. You don't need your ex, you have all the tools within yourself to be a single parent! Yes, it is hard and it would be better and easier if Daddy was still around, but he isn't, so you have to do this alone. Of course, you have tons of support from all the ladies on mamma source!!! Love your little boy with all your heart, do your best to make sure he gets to spend time with Daddy, and be sure to stay focused on yourself. Love yourself and appreciate all your amazing talents and contributions to your son! Show him how strong and independent and able you are!! That will be one of the greatest loving gifts you could ever give him! God Bless you and take care of yourself!

My heart goes out to you, I am so sorry to hear this.
Hang in there and be strong. Keep reminding yourself that this too will pass and life will become better for the both of you in due time. Everything happens for a reason even though it is hard to believe right now. You are doing the righ thing by reaching out to others, keep that going and keep talking about it. Time will heal all and remember that your shinning bright face is what your son depends on all the time. Try hard to keep your spirits up for him and stay busy.
Good luck & good health!

I have been a single mom for almost 9 years, I was married for 10 years. My daughter was 8 mths the first time he left and 6 when we finally divorced. I should have never gone back, it would have been so much easier on my daughter and I both. I know it may feel as though your life is empty and lost. I remember this all to well. But I can tell you I have rebuilt my life and my daughter is now 15 and it is just the two of us. I really hope that his dad stays part of his life always. I know you may be feeling sad and guilty and what could I have done different. In the moments you find yourself sad -This is where you need to force yourself to go meet a friend for coffee, visit someone you havent seen in a long time, or just put your feet on the couch, with a nice cool drink and watch a good movie. Find an art, dance or any class you might enjoy to meet new people - it was hard to come to realize all my friends were his and vice versa. I found my alone time helped me the most, I could cry if needed, clean, talk to someone, I went to counseling for awhile too, which helped me tremendously. I want you to know you are not alone, and things will get better. I know you feel like you let your son down, I did the same, however; you were not alone in this marriage you married as a team, had a child as a team and it takes two to make the marriage work. Marriage is alot of work. I went back one, but she was only 8 mths when he left the first time, and I to felt bad for my daughter to grow up in a divorced family. Had bought a book - something like Dinosaur's Divorce - sorry has been a long time. This book was endearing and a positive approach and divorce and separation at a child's level. You may look into some of those type of books to read with him or too him. I also read alot -not studying :), self help books, positive books it was very enlightening and really made me think. Good luck and know you are going to be ok, and you may just find you enjoy being in control of your own life.

Hi there. My heart goes out to you. I don't ever think going into this we even ponder the thought that we will end up raising our children alone. If this happened to me I think I would turn to a moms group for some support and encouragement. I have made the best friends at my church moms connection group and it has saved my marriage and sanity at times.I will pray for you. Hang in there.

I used be a social worker and I went to a training that talked about how often a child should visit their parents when separated. A 2 yr. old should be seeing his dad at least twice a week if possible.

The trainer said that 2 yr olds cannot yet distinguish between death and a parent that is not there and can actually fail to thrive. However, she said that frequent phone calling can help. Is there any way that dad can come over once or twice a week even for a few minutes, to give a bath or perhaps to take him to eat dinner?

Be brave. This must be extremely tough. You will do it and I suspect you will do it well due to the obvious love you have for your son.

Good Morning C.....

I was touched by your entry...my sons are 25 and 21...I raised them on my own. At 47, I only wish I knew then what I know now. I don't have to know the circumstances to know that there's alot of emotional...heartache is a bummer. Surround yourself Mama with people who uplift you and nurture your baby. The best thing you can do for your child is to take care of you. I remember crying myself to sleep...hungry myself, their bellies were full. Love and support is the best thing for you right now...need a friend? My name is C. and I live in Sonoma...I am 47...married (was a ex and a widow by 30.) I will be the first to tell you...you can have peace and your Son will respect you in the future. I have now been married for 10 plus years to Michael...my angel. Unconditional love is the answer to most trouble we face these days...think about it. We make ALL choices out of two emotions...LOVE & FEAR. Iknow it feels pretty bad right now but it will get better. Believe this. My husband and I work at a local Inn & Spa. I was born ad raised in Napa and I moved to Boise Idaho for seven years.My hsband was offered a great job so we moved to Sonoma. Our Hotel is building up by Boise...we will transfer upon completion. I am a massage therapist..writer..mother...gma...I have two cats and I love to ride my bike. My Family is in Idaho. As I said earlier...keep talking...work it out. Need a friend to take a walk with? I could stand to lose a couple pounds. If I can help...cup of coffee...a shoulder to lean on..a massage!!! i am mobil and if you know how to do something I do not...we can barter. For today, take a breath...see your blessings and know...all is as it should be. Let me know if I can help. Hugs to you and your son...C.

you might be taking on a little too much of the responsiblilty here... you can only create and control the type of mother this little guy has ...not the type of father he has... dad left... and your boy still has that mom... your pain is understandable but you need to know that this will happen throughout your son's life.. that is the world will happen and you can't control it... you can only spin it this way or that when looking at it. i admire your determination to take care of your boy's feeling while you must be emotionally ripped up also. you are doing great... one foot in front of the other, and repeat

I have been where you are. My husband went on a drug binge and was gone for 2 weeks. I was devasted I couldn't take care of myself or my 10 month old child. I stopped eating. I lost about 15 pounds because of it. The only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. All of a sudden I no longer knew how to do anything for myself. Everything I used to do by myself before he came along I could no longer do.

Well Kevin came back and I would like to say that things are good but they are not. We spend more time fighting than loving and he spends more time away working than home being a husband or father.

It is very difficult and the best advice I can give you is to go ahead and greave your relationship and find some counseling. I wished I had done the same. My husband and I are now going through counseling together. Maybe it will work maybe it won't but either way I will never let myself get to the point where I can't care for my son. He is now 2 years old. His daddy works out of town a lot so he now only sees hims about 3 days out of the week and he doesn't really ask for him anymore. When he is around Kaleb is super clingy to daddy but when Kevin goes Kaleb is better. I just keep Kaleb busy when we are alone. I also pray alot. I have made a choice to put God above all things and believe it or not I have begun to feel some of the stress ease.

Take care of yourself and take care of your son. He needs his mommy to be healthy and stable.

God Bless,
M.

Looks like you got enough responses, but I have to add mine since I went through the same thing. My son had only just turned 1 when my husband dumped us, to my complete shock at the time. Fortunately my husband was in the military and had been gone a lot so my son was not as attached to him. All I can say is the worst hurt is for your child. It is devastating to see your child emotionally hurt. Unfortunately there is not much you can do about it, when parents split up it breaks their children's hearts.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it does get better. 18 years later I finally forgive my ex husband (but I do see the scars on his son).

Be strong. Try not to give too much sad energy to your son. Cry while he's napping/sleeping. It's OK to cry, we heal through tears. Try to find a single parents support group. I go to one at church. Don't bad mouth your estranged husband to your child, nothing good comes out of it. If he's a good & safe dad, let your baby spend as much time with him as possible. When your baby is with his dad try not to be down, try to do things that make you feel good like working out or getting a pedicure or going for coffee/shopping with a good friend. Try to separate in your mind/heart what kids of husband he is as compared to what kid of father he is. It's tough I know first hand. It will always hurt. Just try to be stay and stay close to God, if that's at all possible for you.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your little boy. I think that as a mom I would feel like I let my girls down too. But as an outsider in your situation I can clearly see that you love your son and want the best for him, right now this may seem like a terrible thing but in the long run it may be your saving grace. I believe that children would rather be from a broken home than in one. Your son will grow up with the knowledge that you were his one and only and respect you a great deal for it when he is older It is hard to raise a child on your own but it will make you a strong person. I know this will not make it any eaiser when your son goes "looking for Daddy" but at least he will know that he doesnt have to "look for Mommy" because you will always be there. God Bless and if you ever want to chat I would love to talk with you.

J.

I have a different view on this, from the child's point of view. My Dad was a really serious alcoholic who died when I was six, and my earliest memories of him I can count on one hand. He was a successful attorney and there was a big house and we were wealthy, but he left us with virtually nothing, and my Mom had to go to work full time after he died. I had three siblings and my Mom did some very positive things for us, she didn't date or bring men into the house, which was very good for all of us. I think if you date someone who you get serious it is okay to introduce him to your son, but most of my friends who had constant changing of Mommie's boyfriends seem to be the most bitter about the whole divorce thing.

My Mom kept a pretty good poker face for us, your son is worried about you too, so try not to cry in front of him, that was devestating to me to see my Mom cry. I can say that all of the kids in our family are now happy and very successful, I had alot of independent time as a kid, my Mom loved us and told us we could do anything. I am a successful entrepreneur, my brother is a millionaire, and both of my sisters are very comfortable. Everyone is battle scarred, but happy. Church was very important to me too, and if you husband intends to stay active in your son's life, he will eventually adjust to the schedule. Try not to be bitter, because that will transmit to your son. My Mom never remarried, she kept to a pretty boring routine, but had good friends and we all know that we come first with her, and that has been the making of each one of us, good luck and you are in my prayers.

C.,

if your husband can leave you and that wonderful 2 year old son of yours, then good riddance for him. you or your son don't need somebody like that in your lives. just be there for the little one, make him feel comfortable and safe when he gets older then you can explain to him what happened.

good luck to you and to your son. you 2 will be fine.

Hi, I am not sure if this will help, but I am a single Mother of three children ages 4yrs, 3yrs, and 2yrs. It is hard not to feel hurt not only for your child but for the loss of a complete family. Maybe you can remember that you and your son are starting a new way of life and a bonding that will be so strong. I believe my children and I are better off being just us than having someone else around who really doesn't want to be here. I never thought I would be a single Mom. It is a very tough job! I am sorry you and your son are going through this, I kow how hard it is and how awful it feels. Try completely focusing on your son and what you two can do together that is fun to help keep both of your minds occupied. Kids are resilient, he will probably heal faster than you will. Keep positive and if he asks about Daddy, tell him he will see him soon and Daddy loves him very much just like you do. Hope this helps! M. :)

I know it's tough to see your son suffer, while you are also suffering. I think that it's great that your ex is seeing your son regularly. If you can manage your feelings of loss and anger on your own and cooperate as much as possible with your son's father it can do only good for your son. I know a couple who divorced when their son was 1 year old but have cooperated and shared time for 12 years with great results. It can be really hard if there's resentment, but there are ways to handle the resentment without creating problems in your co-parenting. Best of luck!

Yes, WOW, is the correct response!! I too, was in this exact situation. 10/30/2003 is the day my son's, then 18 months old, father moved out from our home in Gainesville. Although it has been 5 years and things have been much better, it still hurts. I am just now in the "I'm ready to start dating" state. My son has adjusted fine, he's 6 now. I am blessed that his father is a wonderful father and is in his life as much as possible with the distance between us. Father's in Gainesville, son and I in Lakeland. You and your son are in our prayers and if you would like to talk/type, please feel free. ____@____.com

Well dear: I could, and probably will, write a book one day, 'cause I've been told so many times...."You've got to write a book!"
I can tell you several things: One, that time does heal (almost)everything. One day you will look back and say to yourself 'what was I thinking!' Two: Enjoy your son, every minute, everyday,they grow up very fanst...and try not to think on 'what could have, should have...would have been with him around! Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Trust me. Three:Be Happy!
I am 57 yrs old tomorrow and was blessed with two boys that are now 34 & 35...their dad died tragically when they were little boys...that's one long story. And I survived. I also survided another horrible divorce after 12 years o placing my whole trust and love in this man. Now he's crying 'cause he wants me back!
When they were 19 and 20 I was blessed with a totally not wanted pregnancy and now have a beautiful 15yr old daughter, who when she moves here in the summer would gladly babysit for you!!! (me to)
I moved to Seattle (long story)with my husband,lived there for 11 yrs, got divorced three years ago and been in Charleston 3 weeks...if you need a friend, I'm also looking for one.
I am from Cuban-Spanish descent, lived in the US since I was ten, from a good Catholic family.
Last but not least, honey, enjoy YOUR time, you are the prime of your life...trust me on this one too!
God Bless, have a great weekend!

Hi C.,

I just read this and wanted to jump in on the responding. I'm sure you've gotten more than enough advice on where to go, etc. What I want to give you is a quote because it speaks the truth about who you are:
"Even on your worst days... the Beloved thinks you are nothing short of magnificent!”

Hang in there. I left my husband when my son was 2, and it has been difficult at times but very doable. You WILL make it and come out stronger for it.

Blessings,

L.

I am sadden by this email. The decision for him to leave may best for all of you. If the relationship between the two of you was not working then you need to move forward with your life. You are still young. As for you son, he will always have his father. He is very young but they understand. Dont speak negative to him. He will make his own assumptions about his daddy. All you can do is be STRONG for both of you. You may need to play the mommy and daddy role. Give your son all the love you can offer and enjoy him. They grow up so fast.

Best regards.

My heart feels for you & your lovely child. I went through the same thing at the same age and had a very difficult time conceiving and birthing.
Couldn't believe he left too. You are doing better than I did because you have your studies to be proud of, you are making something of yourself.
Kudos to you. I won't go on about support groups and self help books, religion and all because all the good people here have already offered those wonderfully sound advice.
My problem was it never really worked for me because I had too much self pity and that IS the ONE thing I have to say you need to leave behind.
It's just your son and you and believe me, it does take time but it does get better. It took me longer than necessary because I thought we were happy and close but I guess I was wrong and hard to get over.
My boy is 10 now and such a happy child and like another mom said on the board too, we are EXTREMELY close.. not clingy but I am his world and with the world as dangerous as it is now, it is not a bad thing. Just have to know to let go when the time comes. I am almost glad I don't have to 'take care' of a man anymore. I have 8 more years before my son will go to college and I am going to treasure those 8 years.
I wish you all the best and all the strength you need because in a blink of an eye, your son will be 10. I am happy now and I don't even want to be married anymore to anyone. Whether that is cynical of me, I guess it
may be to some, but life is much easier when I have to answer to no one, never rushed for time to clean up the house/ prepare dinner.:-) Just my son, and that's easy ! The Lord knows how you feel, when you feel really empty, look up (I think :-) ) and ask for help to get through the day. Tomorrow is another day.
You are going to be a great mom, don't be hard on yourself. His loss.
Again, hugs to you. Goodnight from Tokyo.

C., sorry I'm just reading this now. My ex left when my son was 2 weeks short of being 3 yrs. Very hard time, does make you feel like a failure but that now was 8 yrs ago. He sees his dad every weekend but he's a dead beat dad when it comes to being there for sports and financially. I've learned alot about how strong I am. Things that I used to depend on him for I do myself without even thinking about it now. God has comforted me and made my way for me and He will you too. Things will get so much better for you you'll see, just like Joseph in the bible his brothers meant to harm him but God took Joseph to Egypt and had a bigger and better picture for him. We can't see the work and plan but God is going to paint some really nice scenery for you and your son, you'll see. Take care and let God speak to your heart and soul you'll be fine. Remember also that you didn't do anything wrong in God's eyes. You didn't walk out he did, God is going to set you free from bondage, meaning if you find the man God has in store for you, you'll be free to re marry. Your not a failure your God's creation.

Pray about the situation and God will make you strong during this time just put your trust in him. Its good he stills want to be part of your son life because today they leave and never look back. So your son is blessed and so are you God has something in store for you. So keep on trusting him.
God Bless you I will remember to keep you in my prayers.

Felicia B.

Hi
Sorry to read about this painful situation. It happened to us. I was married for 24 years. Me and my four children were abandoned completely. 1year old 5 year old 8 year old and 13 year old. Wow! That was a trip. A major roller coaster ride. I was a stay at home Mom and didnt even know how to financially support us. We are stronger than we think. As long as we stay in the present moment and deal with what we ave to without drugs or alcohol. Eveything will be alright!
I started a business in childcare 10 years ago. All my cildren are great! YES, I certainly am too!

smiles and hugs K.

I agree, I think it is great that you are letting him have time with his father, even though I am sure you are terribly angry, confused, etc.

My husband and I seperated when my daughter was 2 1/2 ... and I too was just devestated and tried my best to make sure she was ok. One thing I did do was take her to a family couselor ... and one of the things I learned was that as much as you believe they don't feel what you are feeling or notice when you are upset, THEY DO! My daughter told the couselor that she didnt like to see me cry ... OMG that broke my heart ... needless to say, I save my emotional breakdowns for when she is with her dad or when she is asleep.

I do believe having faith that there is a reason for everything and the best is yet to come is ESSENTIAL.

You are not alone, so reach out whenever you need to!

E.

I had to write too because I just read all the responses you received! My son is now 12 yrs old. His "Daddy" left us to be with his accidental soulmate he met in Las Vegas at a trade show in 2003 but even before that he was not involved in parenting a bit. He will go "play" with them this weekend and it still hurts me so much to imagine them going places and pretending to be a family as I am his family everyday (not one weekend every month or 6 weeks when I find the time). Reading all the outpouring of other's hearts helped me today and I agree with all the love, light, and Bible reading but it is OK TO BE MAD TOO! I would like to say that as long as we make friends with men who leave their families behind and also their new women this will be the norm. Society's acceptance has so contributed to all this. Also the court system's cap on child support actually pays Daddys to leave their sons behind by making it less expensive than it is to REALLY RAISE A CHILD EACH AND EVERY DAY. I recommend the most amazing attorney Leslie Martin at Martin Family Law. She so gets it. Get mad girl! focus on your legal matters...and of course pray and cry. Each day on here I read so many "stepmothers" crying about their problems with other women's children. Well hello, WHEN YOU MARRY SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND AND SOMEONE ELSE'S DADDY you marry these issues. They last long after the hot sex passes. And girl find a Jazzercise class. It's a free hour of child care where your biggest worry is putting one foot in front of the other while you shake your butt and sweat and it will lessen your stress and make you a better Mommy and bonus: there are 90 other women there who know what's up and want to help you!

I am praying for you, and I am so sorry for this sorrow in your life. Even if you are not Catholic, it would help to
do a search about papal writings on the family. We all have deep seated needs to be in a family with a mother and a father and there are certain guidelines that help create a great peace and joy even through the deepest trials. You did not make the decision for the boy's father to abandon the two of you, so you are not at fault. Pray for him. My heart aches for your broken heart. I don't know what faith you belong to, but anyone can send their Guardian Angel to Saint Padre Pio and he is such a great helper.
I hope this helps. I just want you to know I care.
Sincerely yours,
J. h.

Just continue to pray and trust that God wiil do what He
said that He would never leave you, and pray for your sons father that he also turn to the Lord for guidence. and just take one day at a time. may God bless you and keep you and your son in the shelter of His wings.

You said, "You thank the Lord you both made it through". There is your answer to how to cope with your current situation as well. God, wants you to turn to HIM. Allow HIM to be your husband now! Allow HIM to assist you in fullfilling your purpose/destiny which is HIS ultimate goal. Continue to pray for your X. He will forever be in your life. God has a purpose for him too!

God bless you!
D.

I know your heart is breaking. I have been there! Crazy as it sounds it WILL get better with time for both you and your son. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep your head up and keep on being the best Mommy you can be.....God knows what he is doing when he chooses miracles!

my daughter is 2 and her father lives across the country. i don't how much your ex wants to be a part of your child's life but my daughter's dad is a very good guy, just not the one for me. my daughter can call her dad whenever she wants and she knows that which has made the separation much easier. sometimes he will talk to her about things i ask him to, such as not hitting at school or it's time to take a bath. sometimes she will just call him and talk about her day. sometimes he reads book that they used to read together over the phone. she is old enough to know who she's talking to and this has made life easier for all of us. good luck!

I sympathize with your situation. I didn't have a chance to read all of your responses, but thought I would mention one thing. I don't know the circumstances surrounding your separation, but you should consult an attorney in regards to finances and custody. Be smart and don't allow him to do anything without consulting an attorney.

Dear C.,

I want you to know that I will be praying for you. 2 1/2 years ago my husband of 13 years left me with a 9 month old a 4 year old and a sad and angry 14 year old step son. My husbands "girlfriend" called me and opened up the flood gates on me telling me of thier 2 year affair. To make matters worse, I found out that he had been taking my step son with him to his girlfriend's house for the last year to use him as a cover. Pretending that they were spending quality time together. That left me with a hurt, sad, angry teenager who for the last year had been taught to despise me. I had raised him like a son for the last 13 years and now did not even know if he was going to even be in my or his sisters' life anymore. It was the most devestating day of my life. I was physically and emotionally paralyzed. I could not make sense of anything and did not think that I ever would. I kept thinking, "how am I going to fix this". Well thank God it was not me who was going to fix it. It was God. It has been a rough road ,but that devastating day wich is still as vivid in my memory as though it happened yesterday is like a lifetime a way in my heart. God has brought my family through so much. He has loved on us and healed us and susstained us and encouraged us and been everything that this family has needed. There are still mountains to climb and valleys to experience but with those experiences also come the highs of the mountain tops that we have to look forward to. I still remember the very first piece of advise that I recieved during this trial. That first night, my Pastor reminded me that for what Santan meant for evil, God would use for his good and His glory. I have held onto that during some difficult and dark times and it has alway proven to be true. I am happy to say that I have three beautiful, bright children, who are healing and growing. My son still lives with us and our relationship has never been better. My now 7 year old still misses her Daddy. I do my best to love on them. I pray a lot. I am doing great and happier than I have been in years. I laugh alot more than I used to, God has allowed the pain in my life and the work He has done in it to be used to comfort and encourage others. For that and so much else I am grateful. I seek encouragement and help when I need to. My family has a long way to go, that I know, but we are well on the way. I have finally stoped crying for my husband and I. I still occassionally cry for the pain my kids have to go through. The guilt is less and when it comes I give it to God. I give it all to God. Our fears, hopes, needs, hurts. You name it he takes and knows what to do with it. He wants to be everything in your life and he will be. Cling to Him, He will never leave you sister. There were plenty of times I just climbed up onto my Heavenly Fathers lap and cried and said this is not fair. He held me and comforted me. He will do that for you to. I really will be praying for you. You can e-mail me if you want. God Bless you sister.

C.

I feel for you it is very difficult. I left my husband when I was 5 mos pregnant with my first(had to be done) and I chose then for that reason, I did not want my child to know us together and then suffer when we were apart. The child would only know that life until school age when realizing some mommys and daddys live together. I let him see her once she was born and we were actually able to work things out and now have been together for 24 yrs-things may turn around for you too.
I don't know where you live but I know of a great group called Divorce Recovery Group that meets once a month and goes through all the stages and steps of divorce-they have a childs group too at the same time. Its free-if you are interested send me a personal e-mail with your town and I will give you the details. I know the person that runs it and I have heard fantastic things about it,plus you can connect with those going through the same thing for support.

Keep your chin up. At 36 my husband left my 10 month old son and I "officially". I work in HR and have a demanding job. It's been coming on two years since and we're barely finalizing the divorce paperwork. At 38 I never thought I'd be a single mom of a 3 yr old trying to balance a career. But having survived it I feel better about myself, my abilities and my future. At this point I've discovered who I am, what I REALLY want and how I want to live my life. Before I was too quick to do what he wanted and how he wanted it. You have the unique opportunity to re-create yourself right now. You're best "revenge" is to grow from it and be happier than you ever thought you would be. I wanted to die when he first left but now I feel like I'm a better person without him. Good Luck!

I am now 41 yrs old and a grandmother of two grandaughters. The father of my 23 yr old son and 19 yr old daughter left left us when my daughter was only 9 months old. I can say it has not always been easy but I raised both kids on my own and now they both have kids. Life does go on it is hard but find a good church and support of other single moms is very helpful. And when the timing is right god may bring anthor man that will be able to handle the job of fathering and being a husband. God bless.

I have got to say the same thing happened to me on on my 8 year wedding aniversary . Never a sign of trouble I thought our life was great . Until ... he said I am just not in love with you anymore and left. My whole world came crashing down and my little girl is five. I , too did nothing to bring my marriage down. 6 months ago I though I was losing so much and the truth is I am stronger , taller and ready take the second chance god has given me to be me and not just someones wife. I choose to be a strong woman and show my daughter that as a woman we can accomplish and muddle through anything with courage and strength.

I am turning 35 next month have a great job and feel great ... Like I say I thought I was happily married but I wil be happily divorced.

Cheers to you .. and god bless you and you little boy as everything has a way of coming full circle .

Hello, I know this is a hard time for both you & your son, I'm a single mother & have been for over 21 yrs. I was with my 2nd child's father for almost 11 yr. our son is now 11 & we split up it's been about 5 yrs now. I use to put off the splitting up so many times but it got so bad we were arguing in front of our child. This is when I knew it was time, my son was in this relationship to miserable & neither one of us needed this. So what I'm trying to say is it will get better over time my 1st son father we were married only for 2yrs & it was the hardest thing to do, the Divorce after a short time it took a long time for his father to move on & leave me alone & just be a responsible & lovable father & he's now. Our son is now 25 & his father remarried when our son was 7 yrs old & we all get along like one big happy family !!! So I'm not saying it's going to be this way for you but the only thing that needs to happen now is for you to heal if it takes counseling & support groups do it & will be worth it !! For your son just make sure his father is consistant with coming to get him & if he's not able to call ahead of time letting the child down is the worst because my 1st son's father did that because he didn't want to see me but once I told him it's either come & get him or just stay away because it's effecting our son by letting him down he appreciated this. As far as my 2nd child. his father didn't have a good relationship with him, so I see this happening with our son since were not together he was great when we were together but now things have changed & all they can do is work on this my 11 yr old is old enough to express his opinion so when he does & don't want to tell his father I normally mention it to him. His father just now have a steady girlfriend they live together & she has a son but she treats my son good so I'm ok w/this plus I'm over his dad long before we even split up good luck if you ever need to talk again you can email me @ (____@____.com) only because I know what your going through. take care C.

Things fall apart baby, and still eveything will be made whole......

I know you have already got ALOT of responces...and I havn't even had time to read them yet. Just wanted to tell you that my sons Dad left the day after he turned 2:(
I was ready for him to leave and didn't and still don't want him back. It also broke my heart for my son to look for him when he came home...and for us to be driving down the street and he see someone that reminded him of his Dad and say "Daddy"...like he was trying to find someone to still put one of his 1st words too. I think if he had been even 6 months older it would have been more devastating...one reason I didn't want his Dad back...if he left him agin at 4, 7, 12....it would have hurt even more. My son bounced back quickly and didn't see his Dad again til he was 3...of course he remembered him though...and I believe it was good to be able to fill that void of "wheres Daddy". You are fortunate your sons dad does see him that often. My sons day still just sees him 2 or 3 times a year....and that seems enough for now to still fill that void. But at 6 and a half I realize my son needs more male influence. Thank God for my church and for sports..cause both his Granddads...on my side..have passed too. He does have a granddad on his dads side but sees him about as much as his dad...they live across the street from each other. It is what it is..and only God knows what it will become. I think your son will be just fine...don't feel guilty...it says in the bible that God will be Father to the Fatherless...so for now that is good enough for me til He brings someone else in our lives. God Bless

I completely understand. My husband and I divorced last Oct. It was difficult. We went back and forth for a while wanting each other back. He finally left for good when I was 5 months pregnant (had a little oops). He decided to date one of his clients. We live 2 blocks apart, thinking it would be easier on our kids 4 and 20 months. Big mistake. We share custody and it kills me everytime I drop them off at his house. There are days that I miss him so much and days that I'm so angry. I know that things will get better, so hang in there. All of the advice is easier said than done, but kids are the most precious things in the world. Stay strong and be there for your son. Learn from this and it will make you a much stronger person.