Disrespectfulness...Sorry I Wrote a Novel!!

Consistency is the first thing you need to work on. 8 years old is still very young, so some tenderness is also in order. Sending him off to daycare so you don't have to deal is probably not the best approach. Parenting can be very frustrating, but it is at the most trying times that they need you the most. Children don't misbehave to be mean, they are usually trying to tell you something. Try to get him to tell you why he is behaving this way. Also, make sure he knows that the behavior is unacceptable and set boundaries. Some good consequences would be taking away a toy or a privilege(video games etc) and be sure to make the consequence immediate for the best effect. Definitely need to do your best not to give in to get him to stop whining. Encourage him, by giving him examples, how to express himself appropriately. Like " instead of calling mommy names you could say, I feel frustrated because..." be sure he has had a consequence for the bad behavior, then follow with the advice. You need to have patience and, if possible, a united front with his father. Ask his dad to put aside the blame and help address the behavior together. Everyone will be happier in the long run. Best of luck!

A.

First and foremost you and his father have to give him consistent boundaries and guidelines. He is playing off what you do as far as rules and then running back to his dad and may be changing the story.
When kids he age continue to disrespect then it is time to set clear rules and consequences. Be matter of fact, don't yell, stoop to his level and explain that the words he says are hurtful and you will not allow hurtful words. Make sure he doesn't hear them from you about anyone else or his father.
Just saying he isn't welcome isn't a solution at all, it will make him angrier and more rebellious. You have to give him love and show him it is unconditional. Teaching him that there are reasons for rules, reasons for being respectful and that you love him no matter what is what he needs. You and his father are his teacher. If you all don't agree, why should he listen?
Find out what he is so angry about or why he lost respect for you. Being wishy washy or showing him that he isn't wanted will only fuel the disrespect. I suggest counselling too, to find out what is going on. Have you tried sitting him down and asking him what if anything he is unhappy about or what he is angry about? Kids need to be heard, they will get our attention even if it is very negative. He needs you both to be clear on life rules, which means you two need to quit worrying about who is at fault and find a happy medium, you don't have to like each other but you do have to be that boys example in life.

I would say that the problem lies with Donovans Father and Mother. He needs to know that his behavior is absolutely not accepted for any reason. I have issues with my own boys right now age range 8-12, but they know that if they are mouthing off, the situation or consequence only get worse. And I don't give in.
I think todays generation are spoiled beyond belief by parents trying to be their friend instead of parents and that is why there is so little respect. I would have never treated an adult the way I see kids treating adults now.
Anyway, I feel for your problem, especially since there are 2 other parents involved that have their own issues... but I would say, don't stand for it and hold firm on reducing and taking away priveledges for as long as he feels it's okay to disrespect you. He obviously needs someone in his life to actually be a parent.
Good Luck!

I second the suggestion of "Bringing up Boys" by James Dobson. Great book and really gave me perspective on being a mom to a boy. The zoo, I love it but it's boring to my son. Bouldering, I could care less but it's an afternoon of love to my son. A number of responders are right. Being a parent isn't about you it's about what you do for your kids. Sorry but with the attitude I got when I read your question, sounds like daycare is where he belonged and not for HIS behavior.

M., I am so sorry your son is making your relationship so difficult. It must be very painful for you. Many times when a child acts out, they are looking for attention. Not gifts or for us to give in, but attention. Remember negative attention is better than no attention? I am wondering if he struggling to figure out where he fits into your life and his Dad's life and this is his way of trying to see who 'loves' him. Perhaps you can do more positive or casual connecting with him in between visits, and visits don't always have to be going somewhere and entertaining him. Maybe he'd like to just sit down and play a game with you or talk about his friends or concerns, or even just watch a tv show together. It took me a while to figure that out with my kids. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to just hang out and learn how to be 'friends'. I agree that he needs to have someone explain to him about hurtful comments and how they will affect his relationships (you and others--like teachers) and how to communicate his frustrations instead of lashing out. Perhaps you can find a happy middle ground, but for sure you need to be the parent and let him know you are to be respected and you will do the same for him. I would have taken him home from the zoo, too, just FYI. Good Luck!! J.

I agree that dad needs to be on board, but that isn't always possible, I would suggest counseling for you and your son, he is angry about something, and the sooner it is addressed the better.

That doesn't mean you have to accept the attitude, I agree with the poster before who said you should have left the minute the attitude started. I would have went home (easier when there is only one) and he could of sat on the couch for and hour, no t.v, video games ect,. then I would of sat down and explained how his attitude towards you makes you feel, and then ask him why he feels it is OK to talk to you that way. Maybe this would open some communication between him and yourself.

One other tip I have is before you go anywhere make sure that he understands the rules and the consequences. It can be as simple as " If you sass off, throw a fit, or act in any way disrespectful we WILL go home where you will sit on the couch until I feel you are ready to behave" and the minute it happens drop everything and leave, it usually doesn't take more then a few times before they get the hint.

I hope you get this worked out before he gets to old and then it becomes a lot harder. Parenting is hard work but as you watch them grow and become productive adults it is sssoooo worth it!

Instead of focusing on yourself and how badly you think you're being treated, can you look at why your son is acting out like this? You're so angry at his behavior that you can't see how hurt and angry he is, which is causing him to act out in a way that makes you hurt and angry - it's a vicious cycle. We're talking about an 8 year old little boy who is obviously in a lot of pain, and he needs your support to figure it out. Talk to him, hold him, show him unconditional love, let him know you're there for him (not that you'll abandon him to a babysitter if he doesn't behave in a manner you find acceptable), get some help from a therapist who can help you both live lives of mutual love and respect. Spending quiet time with him can provide an opportunity for you to find out what's really going on here...Is there something going on a school - loss of a friend, bullying, etc.? Has there been a change in his life that he may be having difficulty dealing with? What's really the problem here - that's what you need to get to the heart of. First and foremost, this little boy needs love and attention, not punishment. The Love and Logic information will then help you both set boundaries that will help you both have a healthier relationship. Good luck to you both.

I would strongly suggest getting some parenting books from the library, or maybe taking a parenting class. Those tools helped me a lot. A few books in particular - How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk (or something like that!) by Adele Faber was one that really stood out to me as an especially helpful book.
These resources can help you better understand why your son may be behaving that way, and how you can help him to feel better and to maintain consistent, fair boundaries and consequences with him.
Good luck!!

I think a lot of kids act out when they have to share parents. I don't think kids like change very much and he might feel like a toy that is being passed back and forth when one or the other gets bored of it. I have seen this type of behavior a lot, especially when I worked in a daycare. Did his behavioral problems seems to start when he was around two? I think they start being mouthy around that time and if they get their way from there on out they learn that if they act out they get what they want. It may be hard to do, but you really have to nip behavioral problems in the bud before they get so bad that your going crazy! I know, easier said than done. Stick to your guns and don't put up with bad behavior. It sounds like dad isn't helping by putting the blame on you, very mature thing to do, not!! Both sides need to take the blame, I think. What to do with the bad behavior now that it's harder to deal with? That is a good question! I would seek advice from a counselor (see if you and your child and his dad need to go) and read some books on behavioral issues. I'm sure Dr. Phil has some good ones out there. Try to talk to him as much as possible. He probably is very frustrated and doesn't know what to do or who to talk to or how to express himself. My mom had a similar problem with my brother. She left him notes telling him that she loved him and appreciated the specific thing that he did. He was about five years older than your son when she did that, so you could have an advantage there. The good thing is that you are trying to do something about it instead of ignoring the problem!

non-custodial 'means u not birth mom right".

means u have no right too request anything out of him "his eyes".means u have too give him what he wants when he wants or dad will get mad at ya "his eyes"

set up activity where u know there is back up read below.
next time u in public he makes a tantrum get security too remove him and u follow get in car dont say a word turn music on go home dont say a word enter house point too couch or chair dont say a word,make u a sunday and say when u ask nicly i can n will provide u one cuz i dont have too if i dont want too,dont power struggle the situation cuz it feeds it cuz ure not mom in his eyes.

sounds too me daddys boy cant do wrong but u r doing wrong.

if he spends weekends at ure house make chore list he does he gets reward he dont he sits and dont argure if he says ure fat say up i sure am.show him it just bouces off ya nothing he says or does hurt ya.then after about 30 leave room then cry break down if you need too.

stop going rounds with his dad in ear sight send him too day care have the descusion of situation.if dad gets tense and boy around it feeds his mind more and he will get meaner.

stop being nice too the boy make him earn it or he never gets it.

You must be firm. Think SuperNanny!

Remember, he's testing your limits. It's a phase, and you need to prevail as the leader.

Something that someone told me helps: he thinks you are going to love him no matter what, so he tests your limits. If he was being babysat by a stranger, he would probably be on better behavior, because he doesn't know how they would treat him. But you, he's sure, would not be mean to him, so he's testing you.

Don't indulge, but you need boundaries, and you need to be the strong parent he knows you are. You're the adult, and you make the decisions. That may mean not going out or buying things until he's through this.

Hi M.,

What he needs is consistency. Have you tried the sitting against the wall...like they do in the Army? Back against the wall, knees bent, sitting posistion but no touching the floor.
My grandson was getting mouthy, until my daughter met a Sargent in the Army. He taught Ben how to do that when he would mouth off. Also, take away favorite things in his room, and put him in it. Tell him that this will be the consequences for using his mouth in an ugly way.

You might also tell him that Gods kids should only speak kindness.

First of all - Make the rules of the house and stick to them. BE CONSISTANT!!!! Since you are the head of your home this will be easy. Your son needs to know that you have rules and he needs to follow them. If that means you don't go anywhere for awhile til he learns to not act up or you don't stay if he acts up when you are somewhere. This does confine you but your little man will learn to respect you more when you give him the security he needs. Obviously, his dad is not there for you so you need to make the rules, choose the punishment to go with the rules that he breaks. If he is blatantly disrespectful to you, then honey put it right back in his mouth. (NO don't hit him in the face, but a thump on the mouth will sting and stop his attitude because he won't expect that from you. A Christian counselor told me that. I LOVE CHILDREN!!! BUT a disrespectful child is not acceptable. Your little man is needing some security and you get to provide that for him. Find the good in having him around so your heart will change on not wanting him there. Find what does interest him and use that when his behavior is good. Teach him that he needs to be the man of the house when he is there, but he needs to learn respect first. Life is not all fun just because you are going to the non-custodial parents home. I am a mom of 5 children. Two step-sons and 3 daughters and we did not make it fun for the boys and not for the girls. Every visit with the boys was just as if they lived there all of the time. He will truely learn if you stay consistant. I am a firm disciplinarian and my children are all grown now, but they always knew they were loved because mom stayed consistant in what she said. I hope this helps! K

I'm just finishing up an amazing book that I think ALL parents should read! It is called "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson. He talks straight about the problems with our boys today and why they are disrespectful to us and what to do about it. I would highly recommend it. You also need to stand firm with him. He needs to know you mean business. Another point the book stresses is that we are too soft with our children. They need to know where the boundaries lie and when enough is enough. The consequences need to stick the first time. Stop giving in and giving him chance after chance. I know how hard consistency is. I have 2 boys and 2 girls and It's tough not giving in. We don't want to be mean or make our kids hate us. The problem is that if we are too soft, they end up resenting us, because kids really do want to know when to stop and what the limits are. I am a child of divorce and I remember pitting my parents against each other and testing to see if they loved me. I was especially mean to my mom because I felt safe with her and I knew she wouldn't leave me. I didn't feel very secure with my dad, so I was nicer to him, hoping he wouldn't leave me too. Your son needs to know you love him and you won't leave. Sit him down and talk to him about how he's feeling. It sounds like he has a lot of anger he is trying to express. Help him get it out. My mom would sit us down and let us cry and scream and run around the house and get it all out. She created a safe place for us to be who we are and not feel ashamed or insecure. It really helped. Let him know you have rules that he must live by or suffer consequences. There is no name calling or hitting or any form of disrespect toward you or anyone else. If he is angry, have him hit a pillow or jump on the tramp or count to 10. Something to get it out and then sit down with him and talk it out. Kids need people who are wiser to help them figure things out. He will learn to love and respect you and feel safe around you if you give him room to do so. Good luck!
W.

I understand your pain, having similar issues with my son. I have started using the love and logic technique. I have also enrolled my son into summer camp through a local hospital that uses this technique. Basically, it is a reward/consequence system. If they behave, they get a reward. If they don't behave they don't get a reward. The method will tell you not to take the insults personally. I know it sounds easier said then done, but when your son calls you a name, try saying I am sorry you feel that way. For example if he says he hates you, try saying I am sorry you feel that way, I love you. He is probably just trying to get your attention in a negative way. Also, this is the difficult part, but you must remain calm, once he sees that his bad behavior is not making you crazy, it may lessen.

I love that you are concerned about children (yours in particular) being respectful. I don't think we as a society pay enough attention to this subject anymore. Maybe you could sit him down and "talk " to him. Really talk. Let him know that what he is saying and doing to you is not proper behavior and let him know how it makes you feel. Be honest. Set some guidelines so that when he is disrespectful in the future he knows what to expect for discipline. Stay firm with saying no. I know it's hard!! Also my daughter is 9 years old and in Karate and that has helped with her respectfulness like you wouldn't believe. That is one of the most important teachings they have. The Sensei is very adamant about this subject and they talk about it all the time and she doesn't let them get away with anything. Maybe your son might like to try this out to help with his respectfulness. It's also great for self-discipline, honest and integrity, etc. Good luck and you're doing just great!!
L. O.

What kind of relationship do you have with this boy? Is he really your son? You sound more like you expect him to treat you like a friend would. No, it is not nice for him to call you names, and I agree love and logic or another program would be a good thing to learn. However, I wonder if you are respectful and loving twords him. It is not up to his father to teach him how to act with you-- you need to put in the time and effort to have a good relationship with him, just as you do with other positive relationships in your life. Be rest assured that his behavior is not abnormal, esp if he is simply used to getting what he wants when he throws a temper tantrum. My son is six and is still not in full control of his emotions and when he gets mad he does not handle himself as well as an adult would. Keep teaching him; but if he is unwelcome in your home unless he behaves perfectly it is no wonder that he might feel unloved. Family is about unconditional love, and being a mom means wanting to be with your children even when they are not polished and mature.

Divorce (or parents splitting up), with sons especially, is a huge issue. You could listen to Dr. Laura, who covers this topic extensively, contact Toughlove (although a divorce group that covers distressed children would be much more appropriate), go into family counseling, or put the boy into counseling.

He's acting out because he's in turmoil. It's not like he's in a happy home and acting this way -- he's reacting to all the distress around him. My brothers also went through this. The long-term prognosis is unfortunate. I wish the media would stop portrayig divorce and single parenthood as acceptable lifestyles, because we see over and over again all the anguish these situations cause. But if we don't grow up in a healthy household with wise parents instructing us, we do all this crazy stuff because we're essentially raised by the media, and the media makes it all seem okay.

I wish you luck. There's no easy fix. Definitely try to avoid having boyfriends, which makes the whole situation worse for him.

hi M.,

good for you to seek advice on this.

listen, your son is acting out in the only ways he knows right now to express himself. definitely, something inside of him is hurting-possibly in regards to feeling a loss of having his mom with him 24/7. parenthood is not about walks at the zoo or a new toy or weekends or ice cream if he is being good. his actions tell me that he is expressing resentment and the more we give our kids more stuff (trips/new toys/etc), the more they feel hollow inside. what he needs and probably doesn't realize it is one on one time consistently with his mom. i've seen so many kids (mine included) in split homes where the parents give to their kids, but they give everything but a part of themselves to their kids. can you have him at your house and spend a day participating in things together (no tv!)? plant some flowers, make a foot impresssion of his foot for your house, teach him how to make spaghetti with you....find INTERACTIVE things with him. a zoo is not interactive, neither is eating ice cream.

as everyone has said, consistency is a must. start over with him and tell him lovingly that you want to start over. that from this point on, certain behavior will not be tolerated. but more importantly, tell him that you want to get to know him. what is he interested in? my son at 8 loved king arthur movies and so we spent a few weeks shopping around for a cheap oversized plain t shirt (thrift stores!), then we went to fabric stores to figure out what fabric paint he liked, then he/we designed what he wanted painted onto the shirt so we could make it look like a tunic that king arthur wore. it took us longer than it needed to take, but getting it finished was not the purpose. the whole purpose was to put the two of us together on a common pursuit. trips to the library to look up pictures of king arthur (found out he wore tunics with flying griffins!), trips to thrift stores to find a plain t shirt we could paint on. (etc) all these things give "us" a comon goal, and we become a team in pursuit of that goal. but first, get to know him, let him express himself (appropriately). he's too young to express exactly what it is that he resents missing in his life and so he acts out, trying to get his parents to realize he wants true interaction with you. (at least this has been my experience, not only with my own kids, but my step kids, and others whom i've watched over the years).

best to you. don't get discouraged.

Does your ex respect you and what kind of relationship do you have with him? I would have left the zoo and not given him the ice cream. There is a big problem here that is not being addressed. Ask him what he would like to do. Take him go-cart riding or something fun he likes. Get him in a good mood and ask him what the problem is. He might be feeling like you don't love him or want anything to do with him so he is pushing you away to keep from getting hurt. He might be wondering why you don't have him? He might be feeling like you don't love him. I am not an expert and don't pretend to be one. Just some thoughts.
C. B

I don't have an 8 year old but what I've learned with my 4 year old... giving in will never get you respect or the behavior you desire. If he knows that if he screams and yells long enough he'll get what he wants then that's what he'll do. Make sure you are treating him with the respect you expect from him. Create house rules and consequences for these rules and follow-through. Make your time with your son about being with your son. Parenting is hard. You have to be able to stay calm (yes I know it's hard), be firm, don't yell but be clear and follow through. If he knows what you say goes and he understands the rules and what breaking them means and what consequences mean then ultimately your relationship will get better.

Ultimately, you must be as respectful to your son as you want him to be to you but you must follow through with rules you set... even if it's trivial and at some point you don't care. NEver give in -- otherwise you'll never get anywhere.

Good luck

If I read your question correctly, your son is acting out and you've threatened rejection? Having kids isn't about what they do for you. Its about what you do for them as a PARENT.

He has a bad attitude and a Mom that expects that he become overwhelmed with joy over ice cream and a trip to the zoo. Maybe its time to step back and re-evaluate your relationship with you son. As other have said Love and Logic does wonders and sets the expectation of what good behaviour is, but I truly think you need some perspective on what a parenting relationship looks like.

The help of a counselor is well worth the time and effort.

Have a SHORT talk with D. Don't repeat yourself even if you think he's ignoring you or not getting it.

1. It is not OK to be disrespectful to Mom
2. through your words and actions, YOU (D) pick either good consequences or bad consequences.
3. I love you...and want to give you good consequences all the time...but when you're disrespectful then I'm forced to give you bad consequences. I don't want to do that anymore. I really hope you can pick good consequences.

Next time he's disrespectful.
"wait wait wait....take a deep breath. You're picking bad consequences right now. Since you're still learning, I'm gonna let you try one more time, so let's start over. You ask me for what you want...and this time pick good consequences,...you ready?...ok, go"

If he still picks bad consequences, give him a time out or send him to his room or leave the fun place and go home or whatever it is you do (or did when he was younger) to discipline him. Never give in if he's being disrespectful. You can feel sorry for him..and tell him you wish you could do it for him....but he picked and now he gets the consequences he picked.

While you're doing this, instead of yelling or scolding have an attitude of 'awww man....this sucks...I really wish you hadn't picked bad consequences...but there's nothing I can do about it now."

you're on his side....but he's the one choosing what will happen to him.

After a couple times, you can also ask him if there's a reason he's grumpy or whatever...if there's anything you can do to help him remember to be respectful....cuz you really want him to pick good consequences...and want to know how you can help.

Maybe it is time to talk to a counsler. There might be something that is bothering your son?

hey you are not listening to your gut. this is a case of manipulation. don't think that you hav to entertain him by taking him out in public. sometimes that is what triggers a tantrum. sometimes all they want is your undivided attention. so bake cooking with him and make some popcorn and snuggle up for a movie night. a day of playdough is one way to open the creative juices. he can have an opinion but not a bad attitude. this sounds like he is hearing things that he should.(adult conversation) stay strong and stay consistant with your son. this is the time you are molding him how to do what he needs to do. you are the leader you are the boss you are the parent. don't let him be the parent . you set the routine and you set the rules. if that means to discipline him that is ok.

i am a mom of four ages 14 girl 10 girl 6 boy and 3 boy. plus i have a man who acts like a kid. you know
just the other day the 14 and 10 year olds were fighting and i get so sick of it i put them in the corner for 30 minutes. they striaghteened right up and they thought that i wouldn't do it again and the next day the same thing. now they are working on respecting each other .

last but not least stay strong and be the leader and you must guide him . he is a child and he only does what you allow him to do.

god bless

It sounds to me that you feel that he should be respectful to you as an adult and as his mother, and you are right! It does not matter what a person's "faults" may be, a certain level of respect should be shown to all adults by children. In my early teens my mom was single and of course I was critical of everything she did. Everything about her annoyed me. I got pretty mouthy and I think a large part of it was because there was no other adult in our home to enforce or model respect of her. When she remarried, there was finally someone to put me in my place and make sure I showed my mom respect whether I felt respect for her or not. Is there an adult male who could spend some time with you and your son on the weekends? I think a relative like an uncle or grandfather would be best, rather than a boyfriend (a boyfriend can bring in a whole other level of discomfort for a kid). Or maybe a neighbor or church member your son is familiar with? They don't necessarily have to sit down and talk with him about respecting you, but seeing a man show you respect and him correcting your son when he puts you down can have a big effect on your son's view of you and his own behavior. Good luck!

I am from the South. Respect and politeness are demanded. You TEACH people, (children,adults and un-knowns) how to treat you. Wake up tomorrow and Absolutely, under no circumstances allow or enable Him to be this way to you. Pick a battle. Like Name calling. NOT ACCEPTABLE under any circumstance. Leave the activity or situation in which He does this and explain to Him why you are leaving and set a place for Him to vent. Make him stay there and remember that it is a place for remembering and solution (you choose not to be with Him while He is being "UGLY" to you)Stand your ground.... It is no fun to be alone in the middle of something FUN!!!!Blaming has happened with me here too! But my Daughter is respectful, Kind and definately responsive to me. However, she argues and is quite the pepper piper with her Dad! He is in-consistent and works 60 hrs. a week!!!
A.