My mother died about a week ago. It was very sudden and unexpected. OUr relationship was very good and she loved my daughter who will be turning 2 yrs with all her heart. This is especially hard for me to accept because my husband's mother is deceased and never met our child. I have close family who knew and loved her but they live several states away. We keep in touch by phone, email, and they came to the funeral, but I want my daughter to know my mom. My father-in-law remarried someone I can't stand and in the 5 years she could have known my parents, invited them to a dinner at their house or accepted an invitation to my parents' house she would not. I HATE that my daughter may love her like a grandmother because she's didn't seem fond of my mom or me, or my husband for a long time. Now suddenly, we get "oh, your family has never been to our house" from my father-in-law. I'm so frustrated, but know my husband wants a relationship with his family, and I want that for him, but I need help with appropriate boundaries. I don't know who I can honestly and openly speak to about my issues that involve his family, but I know I can't talk to my husband which is upsetting. THe worst topic we ever fight or argue about is his family, and he knows things are not perfect with them, but he does not like to be reminded, which I can understand. However, I'm a tell it like it is and am up front about my feelings type person. It's hard not to step on other people's toes, while not letting them step on mine either.
At the reception after the funeral my sister-in-law, took my daughter from my godmother's arms abruptly and plopped her in front of her dad and his wife. I was overcome with fury, because they never help us out or have anything nice to say about my family and then instead of conversing with my family take my daughter to a corner to be with a woman I loathe but has a new found love with god. She just gets under my skin, and I wish she had tried to make our relationship better before my mother passed.
When my husband lost his mother, we lived with his dad for a year, eventhough I was commuting 100 miles a day to go to work. Now, 7 years later, I feel like my husband is not as supportive of my father and it irks me. And he gets arguementative with me when I bring up how much we helped his dad, and trivializes how much I helped and why, which pisses me off. I'm worried about how this will effect my marriage. Who can I talk to?
Please let me know your suggestions.
Thanks for all of your advice. My husband and I apologized and we're working through this as best we can. He realizes how hard this is on me and my dad and family. We both had dinner with my father the other day and I'm probably going to stay with my dad overnight once a week or so. My husband is being supportive. He expressed that holidays this year will be with my family and my father because he knows it's what I and my family need. He will arrange with his family to have a holiday meeting time with our daughter. I have discussed my issues with my mother's best friend, who will be a grandma figure to my daughter. It helped calm me down a lot to know someone who loved and will honor my mother, will be there for me and my daughter. It was just hard to have to deal with his family, when my mom had been helping me to bridge things for my husband's sake. People keep reminding me that a good relationship with her is not about my FIL's wife getting what she wants, it about helping the other people I care about get what they want. If you want to hear funny, my FIL sees us so infrequently that at my mother's visitation he asked me where I was working, he thought I was my sister. I had to tell him I was his son's wife and I stay at home. Uhhh.
I'm talking often with close family that have dealt with loss. I might look into counseling. My husband said that when his mother died, he talked with me and he wants to be able for me to do the same, so he's going to cut me some slack in my less than finer moments. I also realize that a lot has changed in almost 8 yrs. Our relationship with his family, having a child, having just sold our house and moved to be closer to family and my not working and his new job. So there's a lot more stresses to juggle and that's not making things easier.
But I think we're doing a lot better for now with being on the same page. Thanks for your comments.
My mother passed away when I was 13 and I've had some similar family struggles over the years. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me.
Immediately, you and your husband need to go to marriage counseling. If your husband refuses, go by yourself. (Or tell him it's for you and beg him to go so you guys can become a team again.) My husband and I have had similar issues with his mother and father, who are separated. Our biggest fights have been about family and his mother who has never been too kind. When we had our first daughter almost two years ago, it was as if she was going out of her way to spend time with her grand-daughter while in town visiting and has only visited twice in two years. But regardless, here's a few things I learned in counseling that may give you something to think about.
You and your husband need to be a team. You need to look like a team, act like a team and work like a team. This means you HAVE to talk about your feelings with him and you both have to come to decisions on daily/family issues. This can begin in counseling. Of course he wants a relationship with his family--even if it's the only family he has and it isn't perfect. He needs this connection and you have to figure out a way to make it possible.
The second thing I learned after lots of taking and praying is that my daughter deserves love and attention from everyone and anyone who will give it to her. (Whether I like them or not.) My little girl is special and deserves it! So, if grandma is coming into town (yuck) my daughter deserves to be spoiled by her, regardless of my feelings. Is it always fair? No. Is it easy? No. But in the end, it is your daughter that wins, which makes it worth it. I also learned I was spending ALOT of energy being upset and angry at people who really fill in a very little portion of our lives. Once I gave up that daily anger and resentment, it felt better and I was able to "gove" a little easier for my husband.
Counseling! Please make the big step and I hope it helps you through such a tough situation. Also, you are grieving right now and maybe you need it more than you know. (Your anger could also be misdirected in your sadness, too.) Hang in there and let us know how it goes! D.
Hi L.,
I want to first express how very sorry I am that your mother has died. I am no stranger to grief as I lost my husband 6 yrs ago.
After reading your post, I understand how grieved you are losing your mom and the grandmother of your little girl. It is unfair and I hear how angry you feel. You have every right to your feelings over this huge loss.
You asked about who to talk to. A grief counselor would be the first step. I found mine to be very helpful during the first few years of being widowed. She helped me to get through the tough times, holidays, all the frists without my husband and how to help my children deal with the loss of their daddy too.
I know it won't be the same but your child will know the wonderful woman she was through you and how you hold her memories and traditions that you can carry through in your home. She will also have your dad.
As for your inlaws, I understand the grief surrounding that situation. With your grief at is very rawest, of course you want your mom not your mother in law (is there such a thing as step mother in law?) to be the only grandma your daughter will know. I don't know who long she's been married to your father in law but it sounds like not long. It sounds also like she and he were living in their own little world for a bit.
I would not stress yourself out to much about it. Get yourself a good grief counselor and work on yourself for bit. You'll be glad you did.
Hi L.,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think you should seek counseling, as others have suggested. You're dealing with a lot and probably need help sorting out your feelings and dealing with others in a healthy way (your husband, your in-laws). You're grieving and trying to be supportive to your father while also keeping your mother's memory alive for your daughter. You're stretching yourself quite thin there!
Let a professional help you and tell your husband you're doing it and why. He should be clued in to what you're going through.
Best of luck to you.
Hi L.,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It must have been quite a shock for you and your whole family.
Please find a good therapist for yourself - you are right that you have many many unresolved feelings and that this is putting some stress on your marriage. A good therapist is someone you feel you can speak comfortably with and who can help you sort out all of your feelings about your husband and your families.
You can call NASW (the National Association of Social Workers) and they have a free therapy referral service - they will help you find someone in your area who will accept your health insurance. You may want to interview several people over the phone to get a sense of which person you feel you connect best with. I believe the American Psychological Association has a similar service.
You might also want to ask about a group for people coping with sudden death - you will find you all share similar issues, and sometimes just being with people who can understand can feel like such a relief. Again, you can ask the above organizations for some help finding such a group.
Also, I don't know if you are religiously affiliated, but I know that in Judiasm, there are a FULL YEAR of rituals to help the person in mourning to cope, and time and space to greive. If you have a religious background, this might be a nice time to reconnect with whatever rituals exist around mourning. Even if you are so angry at your Mom's loss, you may be surprised to find peace and solace with these rituals. And, if you are not religiously affiliated, a good grief therapist will help you to develop some rituals that have meaning for you and that will help you to cope.
Good Luck to you, I wish you the best. Remember, stressful times can strain a marriage, but then can also bring you two closer together. Remember that you are probably in somewhat of a state of shock, and try not to make any major decisions for at least the next 6 months.
Again, I wish you the best and I am sorry for your loss.
Warmly,
E.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in a lot of pain and I feel for you.
Please seek counsel from your local pastor. Even if you do not belong to the church, they will listen. And it is confidential and free. They are impartial and comforting. They will be able to help or let you know where you can get more help than they can provide.
Good luck.
In my personal experience, the best thing to do is try to get along with every one, no matter what. Things that have happened in the past, you have to let go and try to get mentally healthy for the sake of your family.
Best wishes to you.
You may need some professional help here (or at least a grief support group). Two of my children were born after both of my parents died..... It is a hard pill to swollow that they will never know my parents (at least in this life). I worked hard to overcome any negative feelings I had for my in-laws and have fostered a healthy relationship with them for my kids' sake. Hopefully, this will be possible for you..... If not, life does go on - as cruel as it sounds. Try to do what is best for your children - one day at a time!
Hi L.,
Gosh, you have so much going on it must be very difficult to sort out your feelings! First of all you are in shock! You cannot and should not jump into this issue at this time. Indulge your grief. We Americans are very uncomfortable with grief leaving the grieving persons with an undo burden to surpress their emotions for the sake of those around them.
It will likely take years for you to feel accepting of this loss. At least take a couple of months to let feelings settle. You will be overly emotional and seen as hysterical if you dredge this all up now. It is ok not to share your daughter with the in-laws at this time. Give no excuses simply say you are uncomfortable with this relationship at this time and refuse to elaborate however much you are pushed. You have a right to this time alone.
Ultimately, you will have to decide the level of intimacy you want your daughter to have with these people, but, you will able to make decisions more logically when your decisions are not so emotion packed. Ask you husband to give you time to grieve.
I would also seek out some professional counseling to help you sort out your feelings before confronting the in-laws with your feelings. The best defense is a good offense.
May I wish you peace of mind and pray that God will help you to find some acceptance of this shocking loss. Take this time to grieve the loss of your beloved mom. Don't be distracted by other issues.
God Bless You,
J. L.
HI L., I know this is late but I just was reading some of the posts and can't offer anything that wasn't already given. I just had a thought to keep lots of pictures of your mom around the house...keep one right in your daughters room!! Good luck with this. I'm very sorry.
You are very angry right now. When someone dies unexpectedly, this is a normal response. I understand that you do not like your new MIL and that in your mind this is justified, but this is a useless emotion. First, give yourself time to grieve. Spend time with your dad and support him. I would get talk therapy as soon as possible. This will give you someone to talk to about your feelings regarding your in-laws. The therapist will be able to hear all your concerns and guide you to some healthy decisions. It will help with your grieving process. Ask your primary care physician for a referral. You will feel so much better being able to vent your feelings to a neutral party who will help you brainstorm ideas for making these relationships bearable.
Hello L., I feel for you and your situation. Also, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mother. Without going into a lot, because your situation brings ups a lot of memories for me with my family... I think the best advice I can give you is... It's so important to have your boundaries RESPECTFULLY. Try not to be negative, ugly or nasty becauses of your father in laws second wife. Your relationship with your husband and daughter are the most important. My husband sticks up for his family all the time, even when he KNOWS they are wrong, so I just learned to accept them all for WHO THEY ARE, if you know what I mean. Be the better, bigger person and let the small stuff roll off of you. Just don't let them use your sweet little daughter as a pawn. I wish you the best, and remember to keep positive. Take care, C.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I was very angry and upset this summer when my grandpa passed. You just need to talk to someone. Maybe you have a close friend you can talk to or find a therapist to talk to...I know no one wants to ever do that but it may help you and help you to get your feelings across clearly. I hope things get better.
Hi L. - You can talk to me... I have lots of ideas that include love and forgiveness - things you want to start teaching your daughter by example right now.
Here is a gift and a provision for you, if you'll frame it in a way that you can be open to the possibilities.
I live in Nashua and would love to have coffee.... Are you game?
L. first let me offer my condolences on the loss of your mom. I lost my father when I was only 22 and he never got to meet my 2 sons or my now exhusband. My sons father tried very hard when our 1st son was born to try and rebuild the relationship with his Dad. His Dad had left his mother after 30 years of marriage, an affair and a some sort of mid life crisis. He called him and invited him to the hospital when he was born but his father was "too busy" with his new wife and her 2 children and said he couldn't make it in. It enraged me because here I had a man who would have cherished and worshiped the ground that mine walked on and here was a man who was alive and had the chance and chose to not take it. His loss not mine!
His only attempt was money at Christmas!!! He only found out about my 2nd prenancy because we ran into him at Walmart and his comment was "You got another bun in the oven"!!! At that point we gave up on what could have been and moved on with our lives.
So with all of that said at least try to make the attempt to build a relationship for your daughters sake. Maybe this was a reality check for her and she is at least try to extend a hand and maybe her heart to try and rebuild. Put your thoughts and energy into envisioning the right relationship and not what you hate about the current relationship. Invite them over to dinner at your home.
Another suggestion I have is maybe finding a counselor to talk to. I could be just for yourself as well as you and your husband. Its "an outsider" who might be able to offer some additional insight and help you cope with your families loss.
Life is too short to be filled with hate and discontent...
Take care,
P.
First let me say that I'm so sorry for your loss, if is a horrible time for you, I inderstand how you are feeling.It is very common after we lose a close relative to displace some of the anger we feel while we grieve. It doesn't mean we don't have a right to feel that way, or that your feelings are unfounded, but they may be felt more strongly. Take time for youself to deal with your feelings about your mom's passing-talk to someone from your church (pastor/priest), if you aren't comfortable with that, speak to your primary care doctor and ask for the name of a good therapist. Deal with the anger from your mom leaving you and your daughter too soon-and then tackle coping with the in-laws!!!
Remember, not all families have the same closeness you experienced in yours- if they don't have closeness to begin with, they probably also lack the ability to communicate properly. You are comfortable with feelings and talking things through-they probably can't communicate that way! And little gestures from the inlaws ("come see our house!") probably are code for,"we know we messed up in the past, but can we be closeer now?
Take the time to deal with yourself first (the most important thing), and then deal with your other relationships.
Sorry for your loss. : (
Some ideas:
1. Make a photo album of your mother and your daughter together and tell her stories of how much your mother loved her. I'd also tell her how much your husband's mother would have loved her too. I wouldn't do it everyday and make it seem like you're overbearing about the subject. Do it when something in your day reminds you of your mother or when something reminds your husband of his mother. It keeps their memories part of your lives. People are what is important in life and the love they have for each other.
2. If you can't stay with your dad, can he stay with you for a while if he needs some support? It might be fun for him to see his granddaughter on an extended basis. Ask him what he needs and wants.
3. Your letter sounds like it's from a friend of mine. Her father-in-law quickly remarried after the death of his first wife. His family isn't fond of his second wife. Sorry you're in the same boat. All I can say is to be polite and as friendly as you can. It will teach your daughter to treat others with respect.
4. Yes, talk about to your feelings to whatever support person you have that will listen - clergy, therapist, friend. Nice start here. Glad you are taking care of yourself by looking for support. : ) Unfortunately death is a part of life. Try to make the best of your life so that it is well enjoyed, that you touched people with your kindness, so that you will leave fond memories of those you leave behind. A good lesson for our children so that they understand why we talk of those that we loved that passed away. They touched our lives and we want to share their lives with those we love.
Good luck!
Several moms have already said this, but I reiterate- go to counseling, with or without your husband. You have a lot going on right now with your grieving process and your family issues. For your sake and your daughter's, consult a professional who is impartial and will listen w/o getting defensive and emotional.
Goodluck, and I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother and your daughter's grandmother.
First of all, please accept my condolence for your mother's passing. To get right to the heart of the matter, you have to pray and ask God to give you the strength to deal with your father's wife. You say you cannot stand her, but in order for God to continue to bless you in the way he wants, you need to forgive your father's wife for her ways. Your daughter need other family in her life to help her grow maturely; as long as your father's new family is not harming your child in any way, give her a chance.
sometime, we as women have to be more mature and not compare what we have done for someone else (meaning: your husband not supporting your father in his lost). The bible says let not your left hand know what your right hand has done (meaning:do not throw up in his face what you did for him, when he lost his mother and the support you gave him and his father). He will get the message, even if you do not ask for his support.
Stay humble and pray a lot,the Lord will be your rock and shield.
Hi L.,
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I too lost my mom (2 years ago Jan) and I know that pain. My boys were 3 and 8 months when she passed and I still keep her memory alive by telling stories and showing pictures/videos. I do agree with L. as to some advice for going forward. There are good days and bad days and a grief counselor can help you to just talk. I found talking about my mom helped somewhat. Take time for yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. I wish you peace in your life.
S.
