4 Yr Old Is Out of Control

Hi M.,
Four year olds can test us to the limit for sure! Please do not resort to spanking. I am a BIG fan of Naomi Aldort's "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves."

One way she addresses acting out like that is to give each child a set amount of one on one time at the same time each day (best in the am if possible).

So if your 14 month old doesn't wake up until 8am and your 4 year old wakes up at 7:30, if it is possible to set aside 10 minutes each morning at 7:45 and tell your 4 year old that it is his time with you and he can pick anything to do (play a game, read a book, color, etc). Then you give him your 100% attention during that time - no phone calls, no tv, no computer, no telling HIM how to play, or the rules of the games, or how to color in the lines properly, or correcting what he is doing during "his time" (as long as it doesn't go against the house rules).

Also, when he is acting out instead of automatically saying - if you don't do what I'm telling you to do you will be punished", she gives you the "SALVE" formula- which is best explained in the book but basically you listen to the child and when the child is allowed to express himself, he is more willing to do what you are asking - he just wants his voice to be heard.

Believe it or not after a few days he will stop acting out (typically a sign he is not getting enough attention one on one or some other issue he has is not being addressed).

Sounds like your little guy wants attention. Be sure to give him your time as a reward for good behavior. Charts work well for some kids. Whenever he gets enough stickers, he can go to the park, library, pool, or you can go for an exploration walk (bring a magnifying glass), etc. (Bring a bag in case he finds some rocks or whatever that he wants to keep.) Plan to have these times when your husband is home and can watch your 14 mo. old.

Enjoy this time. No matter what, don't let him see you lose your temper. Walk away if you have to. It took me a while to learn to do that (I grew up in a loud house) but it takes so much less energy to calmly say, "I'm sorry you have chosen to do that because now you don't get to _____. Maybe tonight (or tomorrow or whenever) we will get to..."

Be sure to praise him. When he gets a sticker you can say, "I can't wait 'til Daddy gets home and sees how many stickers you have earned today! He will be so proud of you, too."

well here's the thing: life is a game! i mean why not? why doe we have to make it into something mean or boring? try the book "Playful Parenting." Also, Naomi Aldort's "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves."

You know already (since you kind of wrote it) that you can't expect from him what you can't even do - stopping the temper tantrums (both of you). i have found parenting really to be a work on myself. i am the role model for my child. she learns my temper and reflects it back to me. maybe (and i don't mean to be mean here) he learned his not listening from you? also i don't think four year olds "listen" in the way we want them to. make the situation fun and give up the power plays. :)

(edited to add: all the other advice so far gets you into power plays with your children. that is how american society is right now and it is a shame. it really shouldn't be about power. your child should respect you because you show respect to your child. the two books i mentioned are a good starting point. so is "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. obviously time outs don't work (and they were invented to control the behavior of rats and yet we use it for own children! i mean imagine if you got sent to time out for everything you did that someone didn't like! yikes!). there are other, more fun and less confrontational ways to parent!! it is against the mainstream, but in the long run you set up a great relationship with your children where they listen to you not out of fear or punishment but because you have taught them respect by your own actions! it is truly amazing!

Hi-- I remember this phase and how frustrating it can be. What really helps is a change in the way you deal with your "out of bounds" boy. Your best help will come from the book "Your Four Year Old"

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Four-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ame...

It was a godsend for me and allowed me to really enjoy my funny little four year old without going crazy.

Good luck!!

I'm short on time, but wanted to recommend the Love & Logic books / website to you. It really helps me everyday with my kids of all ages. Don't ever get into power-struggles with your kids, as they have 10 times the energy then we do - and will surely win!! Plus, it makes for guilty feelings on your part later on, which you don't need since being a mom is tough enough. Good luck, read the books and try the situation techniques for his behavior / attitude problems.

It could be your son misses mommy-time and is craving attention(in a negative way). Try to catch him doing something good and then give him a huge hug. Maybe you guys need to go do something special with just the two of you - walk, park, zoo, ice cream, whatever. He'll treasure these times and want to listen & please his mommy at home.

Hi M.,
It sounds like your son is having a great time - pushing your buttons! I mean this in the nicest way: he's running the house by keeping you off balance. He's getting everything he wants from you right now.

Like my husband likes to say, "Negative attention is better than no attention."

Just a suggestion: stop "reacting." Wait until he wants something, anything, from you: dessert, a book read to him, playtime at the neighbor's, whatever.

Calmly say, "no." and walk away. This will make him pitch a fit, but don't give in. Once you say "no," you'd better mean it, too. When he asks why, give him the simplest, calmest, most mild-mannered answer you can (ex "I don't like how you were pushing your sister today." or "I told you not to take Mom's keys.") Even say it with a small smile on your face, so he sees he's not in charge.

Leave it at that, and walk away. He's 3 and very smart: he'll learn fast.

Good luck! (My 3 yo just turned 4, and I think I'm now in heaven - LOL)
T

Hello M.,

I think this is just a phase with your son to test to see what he can get away with. Definitely separate him when he is being mean to his sister. What I do with my children is get down to their level eye to eye and give them clear expectations of what is expected of them and go over our rules. I try to praise them for having manners, sharing and just doing what I ask. I also try to have one on one time with each of my children. Sometimes it can just be walking to the mailbox to get the mail. I try to involve my four year olds with being the big helper with their younger siblings. They really enjoy doing this and it takes away from the sibling rivalry and lets them feel as if they are really helping out. My children usually act out of control when they are feeling a little left out and believe me it is hard to not lose our temper especially when they are in one of these moods. I think they laugh and think it is funny because after all they did get our attention. Try to use as calm a voice as possible when talking to him and explain if the behavior continues he cannot have his alone time with you. My children really enjoy their dates with me and I have had to cancel their dates with me to give them the consequence of their actions. Have you tried other reward systems with him? Sticker's work with my girl's and if they earn 10 in a row they get a treat. I would definitely focus on the positive praise instead of the negative behaviors. Good luck and hope this phase passes.
R.

I actually like something in all the responses so far. I prefer Naomi Aldort and Kohfi but not every suggested strategy works with every kids all the time. If you use the negative consequence route (punishment) it is important to apply without anger. (Even if that means YOU take a time out) It is important to remember kids are kids and keep reasonable expectations for a four year old in mind. If that means a bit of study on your time, so be it.
Good luck!

There's no easy answer for this but here are a few ideas.

1. Sounds like something could be bothering him. Has something changed lately in your life to cause extra stress?

2. You said you have a short temper and are now working on it. When did you start trying to change it? It's hard to expect a child not to do something we've mirrored for them. Make sure you're patient with him as you both learn to control your temper.

3. Spend some time playing, reading, talking with your son more frequently throughout the day. Sometimes, taking a break from constantly correcting can take them off guard and allow them to listen better when we do have to correct. If you have to put cleaning or something off for a while, do it. Helping him manage his anger is more important.

4. When you do correct, be sure it's not a casual holler across a room. Get right down on his level, take his hands and tell him what he's done that you cannot allow and THEN give him the time out. Be very serious about it. When he finishes the time out, briefly recap why he was there. If you have to, sit near him to be sure he stays there.

Finally, the safety of your daughter is paramount. Make it clear to your son just like you wouldn't allow anyone to hurt him, you cannot allow him to hurt his sister.

Good luck!

Hi, M..

Could it be 1. something bothering your son and he's taking his stress out on you and his sister, 2. a show he's seen that he's mimicking behavior, 3. food that has preservatives and colorants in it. A child's diet plays a huge part in behavior. Stay away from Red #40, Blue #2, etc,...

K. Guest
Wellness Coordinator
Juice Plus
###-###-####

My daughter is far from that age, but I'm the oldest of five kids, 12 years apart from the oldest, 22 years apart from the youngest. When I watch the 2 youngest (2 &4) I find that stern consistency works the best. If the punishment is the same each time, it's easier to correlate bad behavior with one result. I too can sometimes be impatient, but I learned that taking a deep breathe and sticking to my guns gets me in a better authority position, also later I don't feel guilty for losing it. I also take a moment to remind myself, they are kids, not little adults, sometimes they really just don’t get it.
I sent the 4 year old to time out, which he didn't like and even tried to escape it and be cute to get out. (I try to stick him where there couldn't be anything to entertain him but twiddling his thumbs). After the 10th time, he got the picture. When he tries to pull it anywhere else, I give him a stern look and say “there is a time out anywhere we go." And I stick to it, yeah I look a little mean to some people, but he understands that I want him to behave, no matter what. When he does behave I make sure to let him know he's doing a good job, he loves being called a gentleman hehe or a good soldier (he's into military stuff).
I was watching Oprah the other day and one mom said she got tired of repeating it, she took all the toys away and left nothing but dust and books and refused to give it back until behavior improved, I thought that was hilarious. I hope you find a solution soon!

please watch Supernanny on tV... she has the right methods for your problem. GC

I've been taking this parenting toolbox class through my church, and me as a mom, as well as a Preschool teacher agree with the ideas that I'll suggest. #1, you could try the ticket system. Get three cards that have things that you will pull. No milk or juice all day, just water, cartoons, but have the final card be in your room for the rest of the day. If you need to, take toys out of his room. I promise, after one time of this, he will get better, but will need you to be consistent. Also the time out for as long as they are old, I don't agree with it. At his age, it's just enough to annoy him, but in his mind he's thinking, this stinks, but it's not enough to stop the behavior. You need a consequence that you can live with that will upset him enough to stop the behavior. I wish you luck!

I don't know if this would help, but when we were kids my mom went to a natural doctor and he did a blood test and found that we were sensitive to certain foods (I would imagine a naturopath can do the same now), and when we would eat off of our list, we were very well behaved. My brother was hyper active and hard to talk to if he ate food not on his list. And it's not all sugar.. it could be oranges or tomatoes for example. Everyone's "list" is different. But you might approach it from a health standpoint.

This doctor would demonstrate how eating the wrong food can affect behavior of kids by putting an extract of whatever "bad" food in their mouth, and instantly the kid would have a meltdown and was cranky, etc. Then he would neutralize it and the kid would go back to being sweet and lovely. So health can affect behavior.