Preschool Age Temper Tantrums

It's the age. My little guy has started throwing tantrums. What seems to work is to put him in a corner and not let him up for two minutes. OR... put him in a spot with no toys. Once he's in a place with no toys and forced to stay there, he gets the point. As for the screaming, I use the two "I"s that my doctor suggested (ignore and isolate). When he throws a fit, I tell him that I'm going to ignore him because throwing the fit is not going to get him what he wants. Or I remove him from the situation. These things have worked very well for us.

(background on me... teacher for 6 years, psychology/counseling degree)

My son is at the same stage. Not fun! I'm not doing very well with it today, as a matter of fact.

One thing I try to do in order to keep my temper/sanity is to come up with approaches that don't set up a showdown situation. I'm sure some people can stand over their child and get them to pick up toys, but once a tantrum mood has started, that just escalates things for both of us because it dares him to be defiant (and being 4, he takes the dare). I try really hard to make consequences be more impersonal - "since you are throwing toys, we won't go to the park this afternoon." Then in a few minutes when he's calmer, remind him to pick up the toys he threw before he can move onto the next thing.

I also find putting the toys in time out to be pretty effective. I don't know why children are bothered so much by it, but it really gets their attention even if it's just for 5 min.

I think a lot of the meltdowns are because our lives are so rushed and there's so much going on (my husband and I have been sick, work is stressful, my older son has his activities, etc.) I think sometimes he just wants everything to stop and for me to pay attention to him. I try to remember to make a point of spending 10 minutes of one-on-one time with him if at all possible early in the evening, and that helps. (of course it's the nights when none of us have time/patience that the tantrumming happens!)

I didn't follow all of the advice in 1-2-3 Magic, but I did like their suggestions about making the counting and consequences impersonal, for this age. They respond so strongly to negative emotion (and not in a good way.)

You've got a lot of good advice. I think our kids just like to test us out once in a while to see what we'll give in to.

As someone else said, some kids just need loving arms around them to calm down. Other times, he can go somewhere else if he's going to scream, such as a bathroom or bedroom. When the screaming's done, then he can come out of the room and sit nicely for a time-out.

Hang in there! This too, shall pass.

Have you tried putting your arms around him and just holding him gently for a minute? THis calms and then the child can do the rest by hmself. It sounds as if he's got some competition for your attention and, yes, the kids at school may be influencing him as well.
Some kids need the physical comfort of a hug or a gentle arm-rub... just holding the shoulders gently and getting the child to focus on your eyes with a firm, quiet, voice.

Hey M.

We're going thru the EXACT same thing at Pre-school. He went off the handle last week for no reason and was taking things from kids, knocking things down...and he's NEVER like that. We have a meeting with his teacher to discuss what she thinks has been going on with him...he's usually pretty good, but this year at school, she's considered him to be "oppositional". I think it's that he's just not as mature as the 6 other girls in his class and not used to being the oldest in the class...but also that maybe he is bored with the school (which is why he is going into a Pre-K school next year, b/c he's just too close to the cut off and i feel not there maturity wise). I will email you back and give you any ideas this teacher throws at us. Like I said, I think it's a boy thing, but I'm not a professional with kids...but I'm just not too worried at this point...it's just frustrating to know he is such a good kid at home and pulls this stuff at school sometimes.

HOpe this makes you feel a little better to know someone else is going thru this too! I'll keep you posted!

M.

Hi M.- I have always found remaining calm and quite in the face of a screaming child to be the best approach- when your son realizes this behavkior does not get the attention (positive or negative) he will most likely give it up. Wait until he calms down and then discuss the behavior. Explain when he screams the time out will not begin until the screaming stops- therefore the screaming is wasted behavior. I am sure he is teasting limits and alos adjusting to the more demanding toddler that used to not grab, pinch,pull at him (My kids are 8,7,4, and 17 mo- So I am seeing the same thing now that little bro is getting into more and more of the girls stuff!) Be consistant and calm and this- like any stage - will pass!
Good Luck
Beth

M.,

Well, I don't have a four year old, but I think your son would be able to understand if you told him, "The time-out timer won't start until you stop screaming." I'd walk away from him and let him scream. If he's in time-out and not hurting anyone/thing - let him scream. Once he realizes that you don't care and it doesn't have any effect on you, he may stop (and find another way to try and push your buttons, lol).

We just had a very similar experience with our 2.5 year old and him throwing his magnet letters on the floor. I did the same thing you did and wouldn't let him play with anything else until he picked them up. I was very "matter of fact" about it and he did finally pick them up. If he ever throws a toy, he gets a warning and then it's taken away. If he has a fit because I took it away, I tell him that I warned him and I ignore the fit.

Our son also doesn't have a lot of tantrums, moreso mini-fits where he will try to get a reaction from us. His new thing is kicking - not us, but things. So be it. I ignore it and he stops as soon as I'm not paying attention. A funny story: This weekend he was in the back part of the cart and wanted to get out and we wouldn't let him. He started kicking the cart and I ignored him. Finally, he said, "Mama." I looked at him and he started kicking again and looks at me and goes, "Kicking. Kicking." I said, "Yea, that's kicking and it's not very nice." And I turned away. He got in one or two more and gave up.

So, my advice, don't let him know it bugs you. I think he will realize "Damn, it's not worth it!"

Good luck.

It is normal for kids to go through this for sure. Kids are just like us really... they will try everything they can think of to get out of a situation they don't like. My son did this too, and in my opinion, I think he was trying to manipulate me, trying to make me more uncomfortable than he way so I'd stop using whatever discipline I was using at the time (usually time out, corner, in bed for 5 minutes, whatever.) Something that I found helpful was to set a timer for the time out, but he knew that the timer didn't start counting down until the yelling and screaming stopped. It's okay if he cries quietly, that would be reasonable, but the screaming and yelling had to stop before the five minutes would begin to count down. I even had to re-start the five minutes a couple times because he got quiet, but then started screaming again. It didn't take long to show him I meant business. If they think they can "win" then they'll keep on using whatever tactics they can.
I read a helpful book called "Aaron's Way, the Journey of a Strong Willed Child" which was very helpful for me, since two of my 3 kids are in that "strong willed" category.

I also had a little Mr Fix-it who was a screamer. I believe he screamed to relieve built up stress. He is my middle child so at times he was lost between his big brother & baby sis. I made a special effort to spend time with him reading his favorite books or playing his favorite games. At times I would put him in his room for time out & he would keep screaming. Eventually he outgrew it. Today he is a mild mannered, responsible loving 18 yr old. I know it can be rough now but it will pass.

I have four kids. Two of them are in pre-school. My 3 year old is a screamer too. She screams when she's mad, when she's tired and when she's frustrated. What I found works with her is that I tell her she needs to use her words instead of screaming,that it hurts my ears when she screams and until she uses her words that I have to walk away. After awhile she'll stop. I don't give her attention until she does. Her tantrums and screaming have decreased and she's using her words more. I also believe it is an age thing.

I used on all of my children a technique called 1-2-3-Magic. When consistent it has worked great with all three and is easy to implement. Any book store would have the book.

A shift in our parenting perspective has literally transformed our home and kids' behavior (ds 4 1/2 & dd 2 1/2). Below are 2 resources you might find helpful.

Sincerely,
Kristi M.

A great parenting website:

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/living_with_children...

A local support group for parents whose meeting topic for next month just happens to be parenting:

http://www.indianabirthchoices.com/CHOICES_communiy_meeti...

~ C.H.O.I.C.E.S. ~

Choices in Healthy-birthing, Offering Information,

Communication, Education and Support

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Northwest Indiana Natural Birth & Parenting Network
Promoting wellness and positive attitudes towards a
healthy pregnancy, gentle childbirth experience, breastfeeding, and informed parenting ways.

Free Community group meetings with preplanned topics are held at the Hebron Community Center, 611 N. Main Street the 1st Wednesday of each month at 7 PM in Hebron

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at the La Porte County Library in LaPorte County on various dates below each month from 6 - 7:30 PM.

Midwives, doulas, and childbirth educators are some of the professionals who attend, along with many families who are interested in learning and sharing information pertaining to pregnancy, birth and parenting.

No preregistration, all are welcome!

Community Meeting Dates & Topics

~ March 5 ~

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is the answer to this universal wish. It is unlike any other book before it;

no more nice and kind ways to control, but a way of being and of understanding your child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fears you but because she wants to, of her own free will.

Join us for a book discussion of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by parenting/family counselor Dr Naomi Aldort. Bring your parenting questions and be prepared to challenge many of our

culture's assumptions about children and behavior. We will facilitate a group discussion, supplemented with audio from Dr. Aldort herself.