Sons Getting Upset When Told No

Hi M.!
I have a 4 year old too! I know exactly what you are talking about. What works great for us and had made situations a lot easier to deal with is when there is something that she wants and can't have, I tell her no AND WHY, then she usually throws a fit and I WALK AWAY! I have done my part to tell her why the answer is no and that should be good enough. She eventually sees that I am not paying attention to her and she stops! The fits have gotten shorter and shorter and sometimes there isn't a fit at all! She knows I am not going to feed into her tantrums.
Hope that helps you! :.)
D.

My parents were pretty firm when raising my brothers and I, and my husband and I have chosen to be as well. We have lots of fun, but our children know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

They learn this from how we react to their behaviors. For instance, when they threw tantrums, when they were 2-4, we walked away. Not on chance 3, either. The first time they did it, we ignored the behavior and went about our day. It often took 30 minutes for them to calm down. When asked if we would continue reading, etc, we firmly said no, now its mommy and daddy's time. You had your chance. Honestly, each of our boys only threw tantrums a few times. They learned this did not get them the desired result.

Now that they are older, if they are unhappy with a situation and can't quite yet verbalize their frustration, or know if they did, they'd say something mean or hurtful, they simply go to their room, close their door (hopefully without slamming it, but that happens, too) and then they come out when they are ready to cope.

I hope this "tough love" will work for you, too.

As difficult as it may be....keep doing what you are doing. Explain to him the consequences for an undesirable action (not sitting still for a story, throwing a fit, etc.) and then be CONSISTANT. He'll get the idea. Also, it's been my experience that if a child can listen on the count of three, why can't they listen on the count of one. Also, sounds like he is getting frustrated trying to communicate. Make sure he uses his words or some type of communication(even sign language) other than a fit. The main thing you need to remember is to stay consistant, otherwise it confuses the child. Also, keep your own emotions in control. Calmly pick him up and place him in his room if he starts a fit, don't be an audience for it.

My son does a lot of this even at age 5. The important thing is to stick to your guns. If you tell him that he lost a priviledge and then give it to him anyway, what kind of message does that send to him? If he is bad for a bed time story, tell him he can try again tomorrow if he really wants to hear the story. Hang in there, kids love to push the boundaries, they need structure and discipline in fact they crave it. If he has predictable consequences for his behavior then he will improve his behavior.

This is normal. Some kids are more stubborn than others. Tell him the answer once, but don't get overly elaborate with your reasons. The honest answer is you said no, and he has to learn that you have the final say with no excuses. Tell him the answer, give one quick explination if you feel the need, then take a deep breath and give him "the look". You know the one you got from your parents that said, I am done, and so are you. He is only 4 and does not need to learn that arguing with parents is a good idea. You will get more than enough of that when he is a teenager.

Hi M.

I too know what that feels like, my son gets upset when he is told no too. Rather than give in when he gets upset, I encourage him to work through being upset (breathe through the nose, out of the mouth) and when he has settled discuss what has happened. I give him an opportunity to earn what he wants by behaving in a way that I agree with.

Hope this helps with you!

Hey M., You can't give in. If you start to there will be no end to the tantrums and demands. I have found that giving my kids a hug when they start to get that tantrum "look" can help a lot. Your son is searching for his limits. Consistency will give him a sense of security. Good luck.

Kids will play the card as long as they think they can get away with it. Make your consequences realistic and stick with them. You will only cause him harm in the long run if you let him get away with the "tantrum" stuff. He needs to understand that we don't always get what we want in the way we want and when we want it. Strengthening that value in him will help him throughout his life.

I have found it effective, however, to use the time after a tantrum to discuss the incident and to talk about better ways to approach it. Once your son calms down, he is ready to listen to what you have to say.

PS. "Time-out" never worked for me or my kids. Talking calmly and rationally about the "issue" has been far better.

We had the same issues with our 4 yo son. I have found that letting him blow off some steam/energy is a great way for him to keep his focus when he needs to. You can run around with him outside - play chase and hide-and-seek, wrestle with him, take him to the park to run around, etc.

Keep his daily routine and times the same. Maybe after a bath, he can have reading time. Put some epsom salt in his bath to help him relax. You can also use lavender oil - a few drops in his bath, a few dabs on his pillow case and blanket.

IMPORTANT: Make sure he's getting a nap each day! This helps his mood, development, and ability to learn/focus.

Bach makes all-natural Rescue Remedy drops which you can both take to calm nerves/anxiety. For you, you can also try to take Vit D ###-###-####mg), calcium and flax seed to help you feel less overwhelmed.

Best,
C.

I was dealing with the same thing with my son and love and logic has helped tremendously. Instead of giving 'chances' give choices.
For example:
Would you like me to read you a book or would you like to look at a book in your bed?
Would you like to read teenage mutan ninja turtles or sesame street?
Would you like to be quiet while I read or would you like me to leave while you have a tantrum?
Make sure either choice is okay with you before you give them and try not to use a consequence in the choices. This will empower your son and make it clear that he has a choice in everything that he does. (know that you also have a choice to leave the room when he cries.
For me, giving chances never seems to work because kids will never learn to do whatever you're asking the first time you ask knowing another chance is coming.
Using love and logic you give them two easy choices, remind them after they make the choice that it was a good choice and move on with enjoying your kid.

Go to the library and get the book "Your Four Year Old" by Ames. It is the best!! You will learn that 4 is the 'out of bounds' age and that a sense of humor will take you a long way. Don't make a battle ground or you will drive yourself crazy! Good luck!!

Hi M., The first piece of advice I would give you is to walk away and catch your breath. You say you have a short temper and are losing patience, this will help prevent you from doing something without thinking it through. If your son is throwing a fit because he isn't getting his way, then no, you do not give in to what he wants when he's calmed down. I think your husband did the right thing. He gave him 3 chances to sit still and listen to the book and your son tried to call his bluff...and when he learned your hubby wasn't bluffing, he got upset! This behavior is normal for four year old. Have you tried timeout? I'm a big supporter of how SuperNanny does it. You put them in a specific spot and tell them why they're there (Johnny, I put you in time out because I told you to sit still and listen to the story and instead you threw a tantrum), then you set a timer for the number of minutes they are in years...so your son would get 4 minutes. Every time he gets up you put him back (without saying anything) and start the timer over. You do this until he has sat in the designated time-out spot for the full four minutes. If storytime before bed always seems to be an issue then I would tell him that if he can't sit still for the story you will no longer read to him before bed. This doesn't mean you don't read to him at all, you just don't do it at bedtime. You have to follow through 100% of the time. If you say no story, then no story. If you threaten a time out, then do a timeout. Once your son is in school he will learn more social etiquette and hopefully you won't have as many tantrums. Good luck!

I agree that consistency is a good thing when trying to shape behavior. (your own or our son's :) Switching strategies too often will just be confusing. Keeping control of your own emotions is critical...for all involved.
Which is why I like Love and Logic..it starts from a point of empathy, which gives you a better chance of not alienating your son...or stressing his connection with you. It still offers a simple plan to get the behavior you want to see. Has a web site. Free articles. Good luck.

Hi M.,
My best advice is for you to read the book "Raising Our Children,Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort. You can see if your local library has a copy. It takes a while to get through it but it will help you raise both of your children so much easier and in a KINDER manner- it was such a heaven-send to have it introduced into my life! It teaches us to really listen to our children and when we are able to do this, the tanturms stop (they teach you a step by step process that is easy to follow). Good luck!

M.:

You are very young and understandbly confused. I raised two daughters alone who are now 19 and 20, both college students. It was very trying to say the least, but one piece of advice that someone gave me at one time was that children need "consistency" and it is soooo true! When you say "no", it means exactly that and don't steer away from any decision you make. Of course you shouldn't give him what he wants after he's done with his tantrum. Giving in would send him the wrong message. You've given him options and he has to know what the consequences are of his actions too. Work on that short temper because he is probably well aware of that, even at such a young age. You'd be surprised how perceptive kids are. Keep your spirits up...good luck!