Wondering If My Husband's Parenting Is Normal

I think the safety issue is a good one. I would have gotten her, but given her dads hand. I also think that there should have been the disappointment speech or some kind of consiquence when the little one got home for not sticking to her promise and reward the older one for being a good compromiser. These are people skills that they are learning.

I got the feeling that this one instance is not really the issue, but one snapshot of a larger problem. You and your Husband need to agree on a parenting style and punishment plan. You need to talk to one another about what it is you want to see happen and then find a compromise that works for the whole family. It also sounds like you may be having some other issues with your husband, have you considered talking to him about them, or going to marriage counseling? It could help.

best of luck and blessed be

Everyone has their own ideas about how to deal with noncompliant toddlers. While your point about safety is very valid and I would have also expressed my disappointment, your husband may feel like public discipline of any sort is not correct. I would ask him how he would have handled it and discuss it with him. I have 3 kids, 13, 10, and 4, been married for 11 years, and my husband and I still have to discuss matters like these on a regular basis. If it was something that bothered him, then let him know that you want to talk about it. This way he knows that you value his opinion. Compromise is the best way to a happy marriage.

Well...I wasn't there and have no real idea, but couldn't each one take a different hand?

I'm not sure what your husband thinks was wrong. Perhaps he didn't communicate it very well (a man - go figure). Maybe what he didn't like was that the younger girl got her way for throwing a tantrum (no judgement - we've all been there) and didn't think of your worries in regards to safety. Men aren't very good at multi-tasking and it's quite possible he could have just been focused on the one thing.

The fact is - you obviously couldn't leave here there and to us moms - 35 or 40 feet away from your kid on a busy road might as well be the Grand Canyon. I get it.

Rather than think he's wrong and you're right, my suggestion would be to find out why he was upset. I mean, he obviously isn't willing to safrifice his daughter to the gods of traffic just to make a point. So what is the real issue? Does he feel like you give in to your youngest too much? Did he happen to notice a facial expression on the oldest daughter and wanted to protect her feelings? If you don't ask - you won't know and the problems and disagreements will only get bigger and tenser. Once you know, than perhaps you can come to an agreement on how you will handle certain situations. Such as bringing your oldest and youngest together at the corner to agree on what to do. Perhaps if the oldest let her have the turn, next time you go to the store she gets to hold Mom's hand the entire time. Or she get's to have Mom all to herself for an hour. That type of thing. This way you can start teaching them how to discuss their differences and that there is an art to negotiation. PLEASE understand that I KNOW it's hard to think this stuff up on the heat of the moment and that I am NOT mom of the year! :)

Please don't take this wrong, but it sounds like you and your husband would do well to see a counselor together. Between the discrepancy in parenting styles and your feelings towards him not working, it might be just what you need to get the whole family like-minded.

I think men and woman are wired differently and men don't parent like women.. I don't think you overreacted.. You were being protective.. It is great now days that men are helping raise children better than the past but they aren't moms;-) There are tons of other times you can teach your children but when saftey is a concern that's more important.
Sounds like you both need to go to counseling together. Have you heard of Imago? Harville Hendrix I've heard it is a great therapy for marriages.

I'm unsure about some of this. Did he want you to walk away and leave her on the corner? That is definately not safe. One of the rules for my grandchildren has always been that they stay with the adult. In this case your youngest has not only not stuck to her agreement but she's broken the rule to stay with you. Both are lessons to be learned.

What is your usual discipline method for these sort of things? If you and your husband has talked out and agreed upon rules and discipline measures you'll be more likely to have less disagreements of this sort.

I do wonder why your husband couldn't be more flexible and hold one girl's hand or carry packages so that you could hold both girls' hands. It is often helpful to renegotiate when the the first plan doesn't work. The goal is to teach children how to get along with others and there is more than one way to do almost everything. We don't have to stick to the first plan. I think to alter the plan is important when children are not feeling well.

For example you could talk about the first plan and see if it'll work. When it doesn't you can suggest that you come to some other compromise while acknowledging that sometimes we agree to a plan and then later find that it isn't working for us.

It was easier for the oldest daughter to stick with the plan because she started the walk out rested knowing that she would get to hold your hand later. What incentive does the youngest one have to let go of your hand?

It might help to have a plan to do something once you got home. For example you could say to the youngest one. I know that you're tired and don't feel well. I'll hold you when we get home. I see holding hands and holding of any sort as a nurturing act. Your youngest was telling you she needed more personal attention from you.

How does your husband relate to the girls? Does he nurture them? Play with them? Take them to the park? Hold their hands. Cuddle with them while watching TV? At 50 he may not know how to do that. If so would he be willing to take a parenting class with you and/or read some parenting books?

I'm suggesting that it would help if you and your husband had some counseling together. I know I'd be very hurt and angry if my husband stopped working. I think it's possible that he's critical of you because of his own negative sense of self. When you tell the other person what they're doing wrong you cause them to be defensive and thus keep attention away from what you're doing wrong that could be changed. This creates a hostile environment in which it's difficult to come to agreement about parenting.

I was a first time single mom of a 7yo when I was 42. I entered into parenthood feeling that even tho I'd not parented before I knew a lot of concepts that I could put into action. I also had to follow CSD rules which were at odds with some of my values. I soon lost confidence. Counseling helped me a great deal to realize that I could parent and still be a confident person even when my parenting was not effective.

Talking to others helped me to keep a more positive perspective on what I was doing. I think that writing to us on MamaSource can provide some of that for you.

Truly, parenting is the most difficult job available. I was a police officer when I started parenting and the parenting was much more difficult than the policing. As a police officer I had definate laws, departmental rules, and many people with whom to problem solve. As a parent I felt somewhat isolated from other parents. Friends my age were nearly thru with raising children. And there are no definite rules to follow. Parenting is a matter of trial and error. Parenting books and classes help a lot but it felt like there was too much information and how do I know what advice to follow? So I tried what seemed to fit with my value system and my daughter's personality. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

So.....it's very important for you and your husband to "be on the same page" about how you want to parent. It's very important that each supports the other in front of the kids. And disagreements need to be handled out of their hearing.

Find times for the two of you to talk about the things that you disagree about and work on finding a middle ground that you can both agree with. This might work better if you do it with a 3rd person.

When the child wouldn't budge, daddy should have gone back and gotten her. Made her take his hand, or pick her up and bring her along. This would teach her that big sister is STILL going to get her turn with mom and that's that. Daddy can be an active parent here. I wouldn't have walked off without her in the first place. If my child dug in their heels and refused to budge, my husband would simply take her hand and do what he needed to do in order for her to accompany us on the journey. If my husband didn't think to do that...I just say "John, please take Sara's hand so I can hold Mary's hand since it's her turn now." That way big sis doesn't resent little sis and little sis doesn't think...oh, so that's how I can get my way. Safety is important, but so is teaching your child not to manipulate the situation. Win Win.

I'm not exactly sure from your post how your husband was handling the situation so I can't really respond to whether or not he was "out to lunch." As safety goes, someone needed to go back and get your little girl. Personally, I would have said it should be your husband because it was his turn to hold her hand, but when safety is an issue, the first person to get to her, the better.

Our daughter turned 3 in October (going on 14 - ugh) and is beyond stubborn and super independent (she always has been). She's constantly pushing the boundaries and some days (or weeks) my husband and I are pulling out our hair. I will say, that 3 is not my favorite age so far (even though the good times are really fantastic) and I'm looking forward to 4. :-)

The thing that we have the biggest problem with when getting into amped-up situations with her is not being on the same page as parents. When we aren't on the same page, we go from either undermining the other (usually not on purpose) to being too wishy-washy because we don't want to go against what the other parent possibly said. Both scenarios make for bigger tantrums and worse days with our 3 year old. She's also at the age where she's trying to play us against each other - things like telling me daddy said she could do/have something when we are all standing there and I clearing heard him tell her "no."

We do better when we check in with each other often and try to stay ahead of tricky situations. We try to work as a team, coming up with better ways to handle the massive power struggles we can have on occasion with our daughter. Both of us have done things as a parent that the other didn't agree with and I'm guessing your husband has issues with your parenting style on occasion as you do with his.

The key is for you two to discuss your issues - often. I've found the best time for us to talk is in bed, before falling asleep. It seems to be the time when no-one's defenses are up and you can just talk because you're in a safe place and in the dark. It's much less judgmental.

I also see that you're disappointed with your husband not working. That has to be awfully stressful on you. I know how stressful it has been on me over the years to always be the main bread-winner. I know I long for the day that it's not mostly on my shoulders (even though I'm not sure that will ever happen). It sounds like you didn't have much say in his decision of not working - which I know would upset me.

You might have built up quite a bit of animosity towards him and you now notice every single thing he does "wrong" in your book (even though it just might be a different way of doing things). I know I do this and I have always been one who wants control. Also, I know other mothers/friends have done this too. My main advice I have is that if you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it eventually will. You'll get so annoyed or bitter about things, that one day there will be a final straw. It might be something big that he does, or it might be something like what happened today. If you two don't talk things through, you won't make it as a couple. This is something we constantly work at, and I will say that being a parent has made things harder than I ever expected. We've been married almost 15 years now (together for almost 18 years, and friends since Junior High school) and we're in it for the long haul. However, these little things add up if you don't talk. Mainly, make a conscience effort to be on each others team. :-)

J.,

I think you were absolutely right to go back and get her. It would be one thing if the streets weren't busy with car traffic or foot traffic. It's a completely different thing when they are busy.

Melissa

Hi..I decided to respond even though you have lots of posts because I differ a bit from most of them. I think you were right to go back and get her...it's not good to risk her safety just to prove a point. I agree with what some others have said in that you should not have left her to begin with. If she wouldn't let go of your hand, then your husband should have picked her up or stayed with her until she moved, or you should have come up with some other idea of how to handle it. Obviously if you disagree with each other it makes it hard, as he probably wouldn't have stayed with her. I disagree with my husband at times too, and I don't think it necessarily means we need counseling (we may need counseling, but I don't think it's for this reason!). I think if you disagree you need to just work with the situation as it comes and then later, when the kids aren't around, tell him you feel uncomfortable doing what he wants (i.e., leaving her out near traffic with you guys walking away) and that you have to find another way that you can agree on to deal with the situation. That's just my two cents. Good luck and keep safe!

safety over disapline for sure....you can never take back a child's life if...for some insane reason it was taken from her, but you can always keep reteaching and reteaching (as I like to call it more than disaplining)....maybe b/c I am a teacher.

Hi J.,
I think you were right to go back and get her. AND, I think you handled it just fine - she needs to know that you were upset with her behavior. If she didn't know you were dissappointed, she would think that it was okay to react that way everytime. As for your hubby, I am unsure of what he thought was wrong. Wrong that you went to get her? Or wrong that you said you were dissappointed? Or wrong that you thought safety came first? I think that you should talk about it calmly and find out what he thought was wrong specifically and then ask him what he would have done while explaining your safety concerns. I agree with others that say that you need to be on the same page with dicipline but if you are not sure, then you go with your gut - which, I think, was right: safety before behavior.

Good luck
L.

Follow your feelings. You are right, safety before making a disciplinary point. A minor sibling squabble isn't worth a child getting hit by a car or other catastrophe and a child this young has no critical thinking ability. Save the dug in heels for the really big issues, not small potatoes like this.

H.

I know where you are coming from. Disagreements about parenting has been the biggest issue between my husband and myself. If we have an issue with something, we try to talk about it alone and not criticize eachother's parenting in front of the kids. It is still very hard, not to say something in the moment. Anyhow, I don't think you were wrong to do what you did, but could there have been a different solution? Isn't it possible to hold both of their hands at the same time? Or, have them hold eachother's hands? Just a thought. Hope this helps, S.

I think you were right to put your daughter's safety first. However, if you weren't willing to really leave her in the first place, she shouldn't have been left. Maybe having your husband pick her up and carry her or something like that (so she's not getting her way by being with you, but also not being left.)
My husband and I also have different parenting strategies and it's difficult sometimes. We always back each other up though when it comes to the kids so that the kids never hear or see us at odds with each other when it comes to them.
We have been reading some Love and Logic Parenting books together and they are helping tremendously!

I agree with your husband that you absolutely have to follow through. Don't threaten something unless you are committed to following it through. Having said that, I also agree with you that the corner of busy streets is not the place to leave an irrational 4 year old.

I think that the best way to handle it would have been for your husband to get her. That way, the older one was not punished for the younger one's fit, and the younger one did not get her way by throwing a fit. It is so so so important to never let your daughter have her way after throwing a fit. It takes just one time for her to learn that she can control you with fits.

It sounds to me like there is just a difference in parenting styles, not that dad is out to lunch... but, I have only heard this one example. You and dad need to have a discussion out of ear shot of the kids and explain your positions. Not just on the one incident, but parenting philosophies in general. You guys need to appear to the kids to agree on parenting or they will play you against each other... as your younger one just did.

Parenting is not easy, so try not to be discouraged or to discourage your husband by criticizing his efforts (no matter how displaced). At least he is trying. Work on your issues together with gratitude, understanding, and compromise.

I know how you are feeling. My significant other does the same thing with our daughter (who is only 20 mo). He has decided to let her walk instead of keeping her in the stroller. HE to isa first time dad , but this is my 4th child.
What I do when he walks off is walk alot slower and keep an eye on her. I usually go back and get her, bec he is unaware of how far back we are. I only keep maybea few feet between my little one and me. I have told him I am not comfortable with it, especially in a busy area.
Most people base their parenting skills off the way they were raised, but for some reason men seem to enforce them when the child is much younger than when it was done to them. Maybe you can suggest the two of you take some parenting classes together so your techniques dont clash and confuse the children. Always do what you feel is right when your childs aafety is an issue.

just a suggestion, it is hard to take care of a family now-a-days,you both have to work together and be able to be in good cummmication with each other and the children.children need a lot of love and care. things get tough sometimes.but remember true love is the best way to go.you are blessed with your children.play together and teach them to love each. also i believe the husband should work and help out.

J.,

You are certainly not the one who's out to lunch here! I would have done the same thing. (I'm trained as a teacher and a counselor.)

It sounds to me that you and your husband need time to hash out some parenting and marital issues. Is family counseling an option right now? Would he be willing to go? Why is he out of work?

Good luck! Please let us know how this all turns out!

M.

What stands out to me is that your husband said angrily that you were wrong to go back and get your daughter. It doesn't sound like he was just expressing a difference of opinion but rather putting you down. Did he ask why you went back or try to understand that you were concerned first for your daughter's safety?

Each of us parents differently. It should be to a child's advantage to have 2 parents. If they work together, there are twice as many creative ideas to throw into the pot and to discuss to see what works. As parents we should balance eachother out and respect the fact that the other parent has good ideas even if they are different than our own.

I love how counseling has helped my family work through some relationship issues and would recommend it to anyone who is wondering if their husband's parenting is normal!

Staying home with the kids IS a job and it IS work. Having a parent with your children everyday is better than a stranger, if you can afford it.

Your husband & you need to have someone watch the girls & you two need to get on the same page parenting wise. He needs to get a job.

Hi J.,
First thing I noticed and got from your post, after reading it, was that you have some issues with your Husband, more then just the way he handles things with the girls. You said that you are a counslor, but did not specifiy what type. My first advice would be...Stand up, square your shoulders and and sit down with your husband for a good conversation on your relationship and the raising of your girls. And make a pack with him to communicate better. You said you were married before but never with small children, are the girls yours and your husbands, or his from a different marriage? Either way a good sit down and lets talk about how "together" you want to raise your children.

I do not see anything wrong with you telling your daughter that it dissapointed you the way she was acting. You did not say anything mean to her and she needs to know that the behavior was not ok.

My husband and I do not see eye to eye on a few issues concerning my son, but we have agreed to take note when they happen and then when our son is not around discuss what we didn't like and compromise on how next time to handle the situation.

Good luck....and remember ....communication is one of the most important thing in any relationship...we were not born mind readers! :)

There is a book called 'Parenting with Love and Logic' that i think would back up your husband's approach. The idea is that children need real consequence - they need to feel the effects of bad decisions - in order to learn to make good decisions. By going back to your daughter you basically told her that she could make a bad decision, and not have any bad consequences!

That said, i feel where you are coming from. There is a lot in that book that i respect, but that i don't see happening in real life - the stakes are too high for some types of failure.

Luckily, i think there is room for compromise. First, i'd talk to your husband and ask him how he would have liked to see the situation play out - including what he would have liked to happen if you'd gotten out of eye sight of your little girl before she gave it. Then i'd propose a reasonable compromise. In this case, its not so hard to see one - your daughter wanted to hold your hand. So, send your husband back to get her, which he can do firmly and calmly, but without being particularly nice or attentive to her, AND, you can continue to hold your other girl's hand. Another idea, for next time, is to modify your initial approach - instead of leaving your girl behind initially, you can walk forward with the other girl while the dad stay back with the first one. This way there is no going back on your decision, but your girl is still safe. (The book on love and logic suggests other techniques, to address common problems. For example, if this happens all the time, you arrange with a friend to be on call. When your girl protests, you call your friend, who then comes to pick her up, while you get to continue your 'fun' with family.)

In the long run, you may see a similar patten of disagreement with your husband. Different people have different tolerances for how much independence they want to give their kids. And men often can tolerate more whining and fussing than women. So its worth figuring out how you can balance things.

If your family had been in a safe place, i.e. a field, home, suburb with few cars, I would side with your husband.

But in a busy street I would have found an extremely interesting window 20 feet away from her that would occupy your attention. A place that you could see her fully in the reflection of the window. I would wait there, with your face turned away, and let her throw the wildest temper tantrum she wanted.

Or I would pick her up like a roll of carpet and carried her off, kicking and screaming, explaining that this is not the time or place for temper tantrums.

I have done both. They have both been highly effective, with a very strong willed child.

First of all, I think you two need just a few weeks of marital counseling to keep the two of you on track with good communication. It's not a bad thing, you too just need a little help and dialog to stay sound in your marriage.
Second of all I think you are both correct in a way. I would not leave the child so far behind me, but I agree with your husband too. Now she just gets to hold daddy's hand, if there is a fit, she can have a time out safely seated on the side walk for a min. With you or your husband close at hand to remind her of the deal, maybe it'd be best for daddy to be the one to stay in time out with her. Sitting on the sidewalk when nobody else is can be embarrassing and cold for a child, she'll think twice before throwing a fit again. I like to point out that it's cold and icky to my kids now all I have to do is threaten it and the attitude changes.

One more thing; do you know what the cost of child care is out there? you could be saving a bundle if your husband is home with the kids, and cooking and cleaning.