Should Our Daughter Witness an Argument?

A heated discussion is fine...a white hot mad argument where things are said that will be regreted is not o.k.

I dont believe that a child should see or hear the parents argue. They shouldnt have to deal with that adult situation.

Children watching parents argue is ok (in my opinion) as long as they see the resolving of it and the love that comes from it at the end. If they don't see you argue, then they might get a false idea of marriage and relationships.

Small arguements are part of living together as a family. What is important for her to witness is healthy conflict resolution. The knowledge of being able to stand up for yourself and come to a compromise and still be a loving couple is such a valuable life skill. She is very lucky to have such loving parents!

I am actually surprised and pleased by the responses to your question. I agree, my parents fought behind cloed doors so the onlything I knew was that they were fighting and I often thought they were fighting about me when I don't believe that was the case. I also feel that my conflict resolution skills were not enhanced by my parent's choices.

My kids couldn't help but be up in the middle of conflict because my X doesn't think about the consequences of what he does. My mother of course, thinks it is horrible that the kids know what has gone on, I wish they didn't either but what I think is important is that we talk about things, how they deal with conflict with their siblings, the choices they will make as adults, how important it is to be careful in the choices they make.

Sounds to me like you and your husband showed your child what happens in pretty much about every home in the country, you showed your daughter that people can have very strong differences of opinion, can get upset without yelling and resorting to name-calling, and that you figured things out. Continue to make sure that she sees you behaving in a loving way and she has learned a valuable lesson instead of a traumatic one.

People do have conversations that their children definitely should not hear but lives shrouded in mystery are confusing and teach our children nothing.

Dear S.,

Yes, I say it's okay for kids to witness an occasional argument, as long as it's not a mean shouting match. My husband and I try to keep the more heated discussions for later, but we're all human and get snappish sometimes.

What we try to teach our daughter is it's okay to disagree with people and we all get mad, but it's never okay to disrespect someone.

Our daughter is now 13, is very outgoing and has the interpersonal skills of someone far older. Most of it is her personality, but I like to think some of it was learning how to respectfully disagree!

L. F., married to my best friend for 22 years, mom of a brand-new teenager (she just turned 13!)

As long as the arguing is not abusive, it should be okay. Just make sure she sees the resolution....she sees you two work it out and move forward. And make sure these types of "discussions" are few and far between if they are within earshot of her (even a weekly dose of a heated discussion could cause her to think that's just how relationships are and open her up to being in an abusive relationship later).

Anytime your child gets upset at your discussion, you know it's time to take a step back. Usually, that means you have gotten very loud (which is scary for a young child). But, if you are going to be loud, she will handle it well if she knows what's going on rather than hearing you behind closed doors. My parents yelled behind closed doors and I sat many times with my knees in my arms crying and thinking they were getting a divorce or fighting because of me. That's just how kids think...on the extreme!

You did the right thing by explaining that you both still love each other very much and that people don't always agree but they have to work out their differences.

I think it's healthy. Especially if most of the time you are happy with each other. She needs to know in life that things don't have to be perfect for them to be good. She will be very shocked when she gets into a serious relationship later in life and has never seen you guys upset with each other or argue. She needs to know that mommy and daddy can be upset but still love each other. I think she will be fine and later in life will appreciate your openess. It's never fun fighting in front of your kids, but they need to know and see the truth.

I think it's healthy for kids to see parents have disagreements (within reason) and also see them resolve them or at least make up (also within reason). I think that they can learn to solve conflict resolution that way.

My parents NEVER argued in front of us kids and all three of us had problems with conflict resolution as adults. My brother honestly thought that something is wrong with a relationship if you fight at all (thank God for his wife, she's worked through it with him!). My sister is passive-aggressive, which is most likely a byproduct of this, and has had MANY problems. Myself, well, my husband has taught me not to hold a grudge and to argue and be done with it.

Please don't think that I blame my parents for our problems. I've asked my mom about it and she said they just didn't have many disagreements and none that were big enough to have a "fight" about. I believe her. My dad died when I was 14 (brother 20 and sister 23), so I really can't confirm it.

Don't beat yourself up about this. If you talk to your daughter and, more importantly, show her that everything is fine she will learn that just because you fight doesn't mean you don't love each other.

You have gotten good advice. I don't know what the argument entailed, but I totally believe that we teach our kids how to resolve conflict by example. It is okay to disagree in front of the kids - and to show them how you work it out. There are private matter that simply don't need to be discussed in front of children - ever.

My sil just mentioned this week that she never saw her parents fight - and they argue non-stop about everything and nearly divorced once their kids were in college - but the kids were shocked b/c they never saw it coming!!!

I do think it's healthy for kids to see that their parents don't always agree and it's not always a fairy tale. As long as it's not all the time, or hurtful in any way, then I think it's fine. Just let her know that you and your husband still love each other, and her, very much. Let her know that you came up with a resolution (whatever that might be), and that things are fine now.

In most cases it is good to do the "arguing" behind closed doors... but it is also good for your daughter to see that you have conflicts and work though them as a family. I would say to have conversations about things you disagree about in front of her but leave the heated ones outta sight!
Hope this helps.

As my kids get older, I've come to think of parenting more as mentoring them for life. You give them a living example of how to live.(kind of daunting sometimes) Unfortunately, we're not perfect and conflicts arise so you need to show them how to work through and resolve conflicts in a loving, mature way. Obviously, there are subjects and things that it's not appropriate for children to see disputed or displayed.

Well, I think that depends on a lot of factors. What was the argument about? Was the content too "mature" for a 3-year-old to understand? And, what is she witnessing? Does she see two people listening to each other and tactfully expressing their points of view, or does she see two people just talking at each other without any resolution happening? Also, does she hear you two using 4-letter words? What about name calling, like "stupid" or "idiot"? Those things are never good.

I think, if you can keep yourself composed and respectful (sometimes hard to do) then it IS a good thing for your daughter to see, from example, how to treat others in an argument.

It is good for children to see their parents argue/disagree as long as it is 'fair fighting' and not about them (no screaming, cursing, name-called etc). Kids need to know the right ways to settle disputes and to know that all relationships have them. My parents never argued in front of us and was I surprised when I found out that was not 'normal' and I had no idea how to resolve conflict. Good luck....sounds like you are great parents...

My husband and I are on rocky grounds right now and Divorce has been brought up many times and many fights have arose. There has been no time apart from our child so she is always present during our heated arguments.

We have seen how it affects her and scares her so. We have tried to refrain from yelling the best we can.

I say it is better to do it behind closed doors if possible. But I know with a toddler how hard that is to do. I do not believe a child should see fighting so I would try to discuss it out with out the yelling.

Dear S.,

Since I don't know exactly what your daughter heard or saw, I certainly don't know whether or not it was in your child's best interest to have been a witness to the discussion between you and your husband. Nevertheless, she DID see and hear you, so now you need to deal with the repurcussions. If words were said that shouldn't have been, she needs to know that you and your husband have apologized for that, and that it was wrong. She also needs to see (repeatedly) that the two of you do love each other and that you love her! Don't be surprised if she emulates your behavior. Expect that. When it happens, remind her that you shouldn't have acted that way, that you are sorry you did, that she should not act that way either and that she needs to apologize the whomever she treated poorly.

I have prayed that this will be a learning experience for all of you. Hopefully, your daughter will learn that, even though people occasionally treat each other poorly, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. I pray that the whole thing will be a lesson in forgiveness.

May God bless you and your family.

Deb D

It is good for them to witness conflict and how it is resolved. Disagreements and compromise. It should not get ugly with yelling and name calling. This is real life and will help them develop communication skills and how to resolve conflict in an appropriate manner. You just have to use your best judgment about if the content/topic of the argument is appropriate for your child. I will say though that you should always present a united front when it comes to discipline and decisions regarding your child. If you disagree with the way your spouse disciplines your child or has handled a situation you never want to undermine their authority in front of your child. This should be discussed in private.

Should she? Probably not - all of that security stuff.

Will she? Probably - several. That human side tends to just come out sometimes.

As long as people aren't yelling at each other and calling nasty names, I think that it is healthy for children to see how you CAN disagree without acting childish. Of course - it is never a good thing for the kids to see their parents acting childish.

S.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years and neither one of us has any plans of going anywhere. My point here is that as long as it does not involve any type of violence there is nothing wrong with her seeing that mommy and Daddy have disagreements of opinion from time to time. Make sure that she knows that is exactly what it is. A disgreement of opinions and nothing more. We all have our own opinion about different subjects and she should do. Conflict is a normal part of human daily life. It's how you handle it that seperates the civilized people from the bully's.

This is a tough one. I heard my parents fighting while I grew up; however, it was always in another room. My brother and I could hear them from outside the closed door. My husband and I fight in front of our now two year old daughter and I feel incredible guilty. She imitates EVERYTHING!!! I am concerned that she may think this is how you talk to people. My personal opionion is to try and not have heated arguments in front of your children. I think normal disagreements are fine which shows children that this is life. However, i would reserve the any heated arguments for the bedroom or just try not to get it to that level. Good luck!!

That is a toughie!
I think that is kind of your call!
I grew up on a household where a lot of arguing and yelling went on and I thought tha was normal for me, though I am not a person prone to excessive arguing, lol atleast I dont think that I am! Though I do remember how upsetting some of the fights were to me and how I used to get a little distressed when my familiy fought. After a while I became used to it and it tought me how not back down from and argument, which can be good and bad!
As for the reality check for your 3 year old it may not be bad every once in a great while, but maybe try to keep it at bay or teach yourselved to resolve it in other ways. What you do she is going to mimmic and pattern what she sees, I can attest to that. Makes you think about how you really do act, it sure makes me, especially when mine is now 8 and little miss has to have the last word! ( like her momma and daddy, poor child is doomed, lol, just kidding! )
I hope ya'll have a great holiday!

Hope this helps!

J.

Absolutely OK for her to see you argue!! I'm assuming she she's afterwards when you guys got back to being "normal" mommy and daddy and give hugs and kisses? Kids shouldn't grow up in a bubble . . . they need to learn everything is not always perfect, but we all still love each other.

I think its okay as long as its a discussion type of disagreement...If its a real heated, loud fight, then NO. I had parents who argued alot growing up and it really hurt hearing them...Even when I was in high school. Kids dont know the difference between a little disagreement and a big one. I do NOT argue in front of my kids because of it. I just cant put them through what my brothers and I went through back then.

I think it is normal for her to see the whole process. My sister-in-law said she never heard her parents argue except for 1 day and right after that they got divorced. What kind of message to you think came out of that. I bet it was not a good one.
Lonie

Well I am 31 year old mom of a very hyper 2 year old and I grew up with both my parents, they were married 37 years this year but my father passed on last year. I NEVER heard them argue or disagree, they would do it in private or just had a great understanding I don't know but I didnt see them argue and me and my brother both have issues with relationships I have been married for the second time for 3 years and my brother married to a on off girlfriend for 3 years as well, my relationship with my husband is difficult, because he is not a talker and I am, I think that I want what my mom and dad had and I have been thru allot of relationships looking for it, and I think my brother will agree with this so no matter what type of disagreements you have in front of your child make sure they understand it's not their fault and that there is some love there, and that people have disagreement, just dont get physical in front of her and make sure you apologize to each other in front of her, this will help her know that there are no perfect relationships, and that a soul mate is not someone that you have hobbies, sports and religion in common with, a soulmate is the person who is willing to stay there and work out the difficulties to stay together and have a family with. and a soulmate is someone who helps you when you need help whether it be with dished or a term paper for you literature class or with changing diapers he/she is willing to help you. Hope my advise helps you with love. I. D.

I think I am for sure in the minority with my opinion on this one - but I think it is healthy for your kids to see / hear an argument once in a while. Otherwise, how are they going to learn how to resolve one?!
Now, I am not saying they should see the big ol' fights that some couples have, but a normal argument I think is good for them to see.

I believe that it is OK for her to see that you disagree, but only in full respect of each other, as that is how you want her to handle her arguments later in life, right?

I was thinking....do you like to be in a room when two people are arguing in a heated manner? Nobody likes to see that, I don't think. I'd keep it behind closed doors. Good luck to you. It's life. It's great that you are thinking about how it affects your daughter. That is real good.

I think that it is good that you are so concerned, and it shows you want what is best for her. My parents are still VERY in love and have been married for over 40 years. I saw them have some really big fights (rare, but when it did happen my mom didn't hold back on her words). I am fine!

I think that modeling a perfect never fight atmosphere isn't real life, and it can be a hard reality to live up to when she gets older and married. But I see that she is just 3, so it is hard to get away sometimes when the "time is right to fight," lol. Good luck.

Hi S.,
I do think it is normal for our children to see us disagree, but depending on how you define 'heated' would determine the answer to this. My reason being, from a three year old's perspective, things are magnified. I don't think we should overly protect our children, however she does not exhibit the filter in which to process what is really going on and how serious it is. If she got upset, I would say that disagreement was too heated for her to witness. As children age, they can better interrupt the discussion and not have so much anxiety about it. I know it is difficult to hold off a conversation, but realize that her innocence is the reason she responded the way she did...each display, as she saw it, will lessen and lessen that innocence. Something to us that is minor seems major in her eyes.

Yes it is healthy. That is normal and part of life. She needs to know and see that if you get upset with her that you will continue to love her and it is good for her to see that you and 'daddy' get upset adn love each other too. As long ads she see's the loving side too. Balance! As she gets older you can teach her that even she will get upset with you both but you will know that she loves you. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If you hide your fights and something does happen or get worse it comes as quite a shock and they are taught to hide their feelings from you. Good luck!!!

I have to say from experience with my own parents that its not ok to fight in front of your children. Its one thing to argue about who left the bread out or something silly like that, but yelling and saying mean things is NOT something your children should ever have to hear.

You have to remember that your daughter feels safe with both you and your husband. When she is in the middle of you two arguing, she feels that her safety is threatened. There is a difference between disagreeing and having a heated discussion. Heated discussions need to be behind closed doors. THe only place she knows is completely safe is at home and she might feel that it could go away if you two get mad at each other. She is only 3 and you have to remember that.

It depends completely on how you "argue". There's a big difference between having a discussion that includes a difference of opinion....I'm sure she has heard the two of you discuss which movie to see, what to have for dinner, etc., and knock-down brawls. The method used for these negotiations determines whether she should witness them. Loving, fair, adult discussions that end with a hug are probably healthy for her. She will learn how to negotiate somewhere and the best source will be you and her father.

The most important part for her to see if how you resolve the conflict.

I don't know about the arguing, if it's good or bad to do in front of the kids... but how you argue would be a factor.

We all worry about what we do and how it effects our kids and if we did the right thing. Realize that doing your best doesn't mean being perfect and teach your daughter that too.

It would be unhealthy for her to only see you as "hugs and kisses". We teach our children mostly by being their role models (whether we are purposely doing it or not). If she never saw y'all disagree, then she will not be able to develop the necessary skills that she will need eventually when she has a relationship later in life. Reality is, people disagree. If there seems to never be a disagreement, then someone is usually not communicating their feelings and dealing with an issue.
The important thing to remember now is that you both need to model the right way to handle disagreements and resolutions. This is the hardest part! Don't hesitate to seek counseling if y'all are having a difficult time learning how to do this. Not only is it beneficial to your marriage, it will give your daughter such a head start whenever she has relationships in the future.
I wish you all the best! Don't get discouraged because this is never easy for us. :)

P.S. Sorry for some repeated info...I didn't read the other responses first...oops.