Husband and I Can't Agree on How to Raise My Son.

I feel if you are teaching him to be sensitive to other people's feelings but also teaching him to stand up for himself then he'll grow to be a wonderful human being.

You definitely need to sit down and agree on how to raise your son/children. We use the parenting technique called www.loveandlogic.com. It's a great way to parent...it teaches you to be a consultant parent, not a drill sergeant (demands and threats) or a helicopter parent (always rescuing and handling problems for him).

My husband came from a home of 5 boys. He knows all about boys and he will disagree on the 'boys will be boys' statement in a heart beat.

With the love and logic way to parent, you are teaching your children how to responsible and deal with their problems and own up to their mistakes as well. It's wonderful and to me makes parenting much easier.

Hi J.,

No it shouldn't be a deal breaker but there are things that need to be decided. I agree with Colleen that you need to come up with "how" he will be raised and I, personally, deferred to my husband. My kids have turned out pretty well I think (your husband sounds like mine) but he has told me that he wishes he had listened to me on a few things. I raised girls and believe me, they can take care of themselves, lol. They can be ladylike also but not as much as I would like. But we're not finished yet...The one thing I will say is there is a lack of real men in our society and sissyness has been confused as sensitivity. Independence and masculinity does not have to be insensitive and bullish.

The perfect example, whether you are a Christian or not, is Jesus. He was a carpenter, which was a man's man, strong, with righteous anger (remember the money-changers in the temple), he was bullish and insensitive to liars (the Pharasees and the Saducees) but he was also gentle in his words and actions to honest, hardworking folks. It's a pretty good balance.

Like I said, I have gone through this so I feel your pain!!! God bless you and your hard work to come!

M.

Even the most stubborn men (my husband) can come around on issues when it comes to how to raise the children. Start with one thing you feel most strongly about (you don't say what you're disagreeing about, but manners, for example). get some expert sources to back you up (books or videos). Now think of something you can let go of and let your husband have his way about. Approach him with your conciliation first (Babe, I thought about it, and you're right, our son should be able to play wrestle with consenting boy friends). Then bring up what you want him to compromise on. Don't even worry about him agreeing at first. Let him think about it. Maybe he'll even come up with a way for it to feel like his idea. Disagreements over childrearing should not be deal-breakers. Men and women have different feelings about how it should go, and I think that's part of a perfect plan. When you learn to compromise effectively, the agreements you make should give your son the best of what each parent knows, which is how it should be.

I have to agree with your husband -- it sounds like he has a good understanding of the differences between men and women in raising children and he has already respected that you will be able to teach your son things he can't. Can you respect your husband for the qualities he will be able to teach your son that you cannot? Relax, teach your son to think for himself, and allow him to be a man who loves his mother. Your influences will ensure that he has manners and respect, and your husband's will help him provide for and protect his future family. In a world with an increasing number of sons in desperate need of fathers, why would you try to usurp your husband's teachings?

Hi J.,
Just reading this made me want to shake your husband. I am a preschool teacher of 4's. I spend a good part of my day telling the boys the things that they can't do in my classroom. It ends up coming down hard on them because classroom rules are THE CLASSROOM RULES! No wrestling on the floor, no hitting, punching, kicking, hands in other people's faces, no instigating a fight, etc. Children don't understand rough play at home and then turning it off when they are in a social situation such as school, Sunday School, the park, etc. ONCE he is labeled by a teacher as a "problem", it will follow him through his school life
Cathy. Teachers talk amongst themselves. Don't kid yourself. Even if it isn't "written" down anywhere, they will know about him before he arrives in their class.
Being assertive and using words instead of being physical carries a person much further in life.
I hope this helps to ward off yet another bully. They are created not born that way!
Happy Mother's Day!
Cathy

I'd suggest a counseling session or two (or more) for you and your husband -- not your son. Perhaps what he needs (or maybe you -- but I suspect it's him) is to hear from a third party and an "expert" some ideas about what to teach and what not to teach in rearing boys. And/or go to the library and find some parenting books and share them with your husband. Don't do a "See -- I told you so" as much as a "We both need to learn and make sure we're doing right by our son."

Your son is so blessed to have two parents who care and are invested in teaching him life skills! At seven, he's old enough to maybe hear two different versions of what to do in a given situation -- given that they are not total opposites -- so long as you guys say, "I know you're hearing another way to handle this, but I think... What do you think, son? Can you come up with some ideas about how to deal with that?" "Deal breaker" -- absolutely not! Not this subject anyway. (If you have a strained marriage, it would be great to invest more time and energy there -- do a little maintenance?)

Good luck!

I have often wondered about this type situation also. My husband and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues in raising our children, in majority cases he leaves the raising to me - but his character shows out in negative actions that go against everything I try to teach. Our teenagers say I'm too stuffy and serious, maybe so?
On the sissy versus the bullyish??? You might want to read "Wild at Heart" - can't think of the author, but it relates how the man was created to be the provider, and woman the nurturer. If you combine the two types of raising, hopefully the good Lord above will take care of the rest - he already knows the outcome ofcourse... keep on doing your part and I'm sure he will be exactly who the Lord intended hime to be.

M. - married 22 years - 2nd marriage - twins boy & girl -26 yrs old, 17 yr old Boy, and 15 yr old daughter.

I know of two situations like yours where the parents did not agree on how to raise thier son. In both cases the woman ended up getting her way because the husbands got tired of aurguing with the wife about it. Sadly, so far, both boys are having a hard time getting a sound footing on manhood. They are moochers and not very motivated.

Your house hold is blessed to have two loving parents. Hopefully with your guidence he will learn to be a sensitive and caring husband and from his dad he can learn how to be strong, assertive, and a go getter. He will need to have both parents fully engaged. Don't always assume you know what is best for a boy, just because you are his mother.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

The world is always changing and it seems more difficult then when I was a child times are not as simple as they once were. He is still just a little boy and two different ways of handling situations being taught to him I bet is really confusing. My husband and I have 3 boys we have had to sit down and talk to each other about how to handle things with them so that we are on the same page and we don't confuse them. I think some counseling would be a great idea so that you both can come to agreement on how to handle situations, he is growing up in a different world then you. I'm sure thing were different (society) when you were a small child. Maybe some family counseling would be good to open minds and help everyone work together with the tools counseling can provide rather then break up a family or confuse the little boy that he really is at age 7.

J.,

I want to second the fact that you only refer to your child as my son and not incorporating your husband's "ownership" in this parenting deal. Becareful of such statements. It can really carry over into how you are interacting with your husband, especially about your child. I know as a mom we all think that we know best most of the time (I am guilty of that myself...don't tell my husband I said that, ha,ha). Anyway, it is vital for your son to be able to look up to his father and learn from him. It is also vital for him to find comfort, love, gentleness and support from his Mom too! You and your husband both want the best for your son. Work together to make sure that you are both doing what is best for him. He needs both the male and female perspective to make him a "complete" young man. Draw from your husband's experience as a man. Goodness knows that most of us females have no idea what is going through the male brain, beginning at birth it seems:)
You have been together for 10 years. I think that is an accomplishment. Something like this should not be a "deal" breaker as you say. Maybe you and your husband need a little get-away together in the near future. Recapture the "spark" that you had and really open up your thoughts about your life and child rearing.
Good luck and God bless you and your family.
A.

J., I do have some insight. When people are raised as only children, they seethings differently than others. They are very independent, sometimes latchkey kids who have to fend for themselves and are forced into early independence. Your husband sounds somewhat like that, and he perhaps doesn't have the type of closely knit family members who get together a lot and talk daily -- like yours probably does. That being said, you guys have got to come to a happy medium, or your son will be confused and become frustrated. This is similar to the two "separate households" my niece lives in since my brother and her mom have been divorced for a few years. The mom has an anything goes attitude, and she gets away w/more over there whereas my brother runs a tight ship. However, he dispenses lots of praise and hugs, volunteers at her school, doesn't allow fast food every time she visits, will not give her a cell phone because "everyone else has one", doesn't allow swearing, etc. You get the picture. It would behoove your spouse to stop referring to a young man who is sensitive as a sissy. That's counterproductive and sets your son up for 1 of two negative consequences: being a male child that is incapable of responding properly to aggressive actions towards him by allowing it to rule him or being overly fearful, thereby manifesting itself; OR worse, becomming a bully who does not express his feelings and uses his fists to fight all of his battles, which leads to trouble at school, home on the streets and eventual run-ins with public officials you never want him to meet as a defendant. You are this young child's protector, the one who shows him what the world is like and teaches him to love. If boundaries are not set now, perhaps you will need to take action to guard against the machismo that eminates from your spouse's pores. No one likes a bully, and there is always someone bigger than every bully. Your husband is being ridiculous, and any rational thinker understands that ANY and ALL extreme positions are not good for any child or adult.

I suspect there's more to this than disagreeing on the raising of BOTH of your son. You most often refer to him in your post as MY son most often, and only our son one time. I would agree on the counsoling for the two of you to work out parenting issues and whatever else is brewing between the two of you. It sounds like you both are being a tad stubborn. I'm not siding with him but I can feel your anger in your post. Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear.

My husband is pretty sensitive himself, so (so far) I haven't had to worry about things with our son (he is only 2). I don't want him to be a wimp, so (for instance) if he stumbles & falls and I see that he is okay, I just tell him to get up & brush it off. However, if he wants to snuggle & cuddle, I'm all up for that! Your son is still pretty young, so he is still learning who he is & wants to be. In some ways your husband is right, about taking pieces of both of you and molding himself into a young man. I think things will be okay, just give it some more time. Good luck.

I would have to say that you would do well to let your husband have a great deal of input into raising of his son. He was a boy and is a man and knows what it is going to take to get along. Of course, you can give your child some input on sensitivity but your son will have a much better life if he knows how to handle himself rather than seing a sissy that the other boys will make fun of . Male children who grow up without the input of their father seem to try to over compensate when trying to "act tough" and don't know how. V.

While opposites attract, it don't mean it works well together. But that is water under the bridge, because now you have to make it work. The one thing the two of you have to agree on to raise a mentally healthy child is that the two of you will not go against each other on decisions.
If you donot, you both will be in counselling to save the marriage, which will affect the child.
If you are not dressing this son as a girl, putting ribbons in his hair, teaching him to walk like he is on a runway, it will not be your fault. If you are teaching him to clean, cook, respect himself and others, way to go and thank you. He just might be able to take care of himself. Ask your husband what he thinks is being a sissy. Talk about it but not in front of your son, please.
Happy Mother's Day.

If you both teach him a totally different way it will confuse him and hurt more than it will help.Not to mention he will.if he hasen't already,use the fact that you 2 disagree to his advantage sometimes.You both need to sit down and talk and come to a mutal agreement and meet in the middle.I have raised my 5 yr old to be a little sensitive and my husband always thought I was also making him sissy.And it has worked to my advantage and against me at times.He gets along good with kids and doesn't hit or is mean so he has no behavioral problems but there are times I also wish he was confident enough to stand up for himself,especially to kids in school or others he plays with instead of just letting them do as they please.It's bad if you go either way so it's best if you both come to an agreement and add a little of both to it.Teach him that there are some times to be patient and sweet and other times to stand up for yourself.

The best thing for you to do is find a meduim. That way you both can put some input without feeling someone is left out. Be care either way. You want your son to be tough to some point but you also want to have some emotion. You don't want a son that can't do both. Boys are always told not to show emotion but if they don't they really become dangers people. Just make sure what you do its in love and not just so you can be right on either side.