How to Raise Our Son - Disagreement Between My Husband and Me...

Maybe your husband and his family are the types of people that under estimate the ability of children..

We would allow our daughter to try things way ahead of what was seen as "in the normal range". She always far exceeded the average child physically and intellectually.

She had her own fears and limits, we did not let her jump off of the roof of the house, but we did have a glass coffee table since the day she was born and we NEVER had one child who visited our house try to climb it or bump their heads on it..

Our daughter always wanted to go down the "big slide" on the playground. . She could swing outside of a "childs" swing at 18 months.. We let her fall we let her tumble we did not allow her to fall far enough to really injure herself, but she was amazing at figuring out her limits with just a small amount of guidance.

They have to experience some failures, so that they are not afraid to fail sometimes.. We as parents use to model reactions to our own failures so she could see there was nothing wrong with that. I am notoriously clumsy.. So is my mom, so my own tripping, falling stumbling, falling were a pretty regular occurrence with a lot of " Uh Oh, mom fell again". She new that is it was normal for people even grown ups to get boo, boos..

It is just a different mind set to allow kids to really explore.. Some people just really do not want their kids to experience pain, discomfort or failure, but this is a safe time for kids to learn it is part of life and we survive and move along.

I know all children are different, but I also knew our child was adventurous and curious and I was not going to allow that to be stymied in any way.

You and hubby have to agree to meet somewhere in the middle since both of you are on extreme opposite ends.
You should agree that its okay for your kid to taste a handful of dirt.
But it's not okay to climb on something that he could get badly hurt if he fell.
The need to explore, but they also still need protection.... little kids take awhile before they can predict a dangerous consequence..... He's still too young to be not watched pretty closely.

Get the book Free Range Kids how to raise safe, self reliant kids without going nuts with worry. She covers a lot of things you're currently facing. It should be at the library and it's a really easy read.

Essentially, if you want a kid who is not saddled with worry, self doubt and depression it's VITAL for their psyche to explore and learn on their own with guidance, not overbearing "don'ts". GL!!

My son's father and I are similar to you and your husband... he is very cautious and watchful of every move our son makes. I am more into letting our son explore and be free. I really do value my son's father's contributions, because he fills in some holes that I leave, and I (hopefully) provide him some reminders of what is age-appropriate, and that you can relax your hold sometimes. At the park, my son's father was worried about him climbing down a step, but I know that he is capable of doing this, and it is good for his gross motor skills, and he has done this on his own for over a year now... so I gently reminded him that our son is able to do this, so let him. On the other hand, my son's father will provide reminders to our son to be safe in the car and watch for cars in the parking lot - I also do this, but not as explicitly as his father, so I appreciate his input.

Without being a qualified therapist myself, I would advise to talk about this issue with your husband. Make sure you praise him for the good advice he does give, and reassure him concerning your logic behind having your son keep some of his independent spirit and sense of adventure. Compromise is the key, and learning to co-parent, even when you have different styles is what has to happen in every family... I also have a friend who is much more "safety conscious" than I am, and I really appreciate her input and opinions. At the same time, she said it is fun to hang out with me, and I bring out another side of her as my friend, so we provide a balance like that, even in "just" a friendship. Do communicate your feelings as best you can, and do stand by your beliefs, because it is important to provide a balance of safety and stretching in our children's lives. Best wishes to you.

you can't raise kids like that. because what happens when then get older and it comes time to make decisions or fend for themselves and since they have had no experinces they don't know what to do?it;s ok to get bumps and bruises. it;s ok to make mistakes, that;s how we learn.we learn the fight or flight response from life itself. true you can't just let your kids run around in a big city but you have to let them have some freedom. most kids that are super sheltered like this crash and burn when they get older because they weren't able to do anything as children and teenagers. and they burn because when it;s time to stop they don't know how because they dont even realize the hazards or dangers because they never got a chance to see them. ( prime examples preachers kids are alot of times the wildest! lol) but you do have to come to a midlle ground because that is not just your child and you have to consider your husband!so maybe have a sit down with him and maybe even show him some of the repsonses you got on here, but you NEED to come to an agreement! i wish you the best of luck!

I don't know any family therapists where you live, because I'm across the country. If you have a church home, you might ask there for a recommendation.

Just an idea: why don't each of you sit down individually and write down the things you're most concerned about happening to your son - the things that really worry or scare you. Write down also the kinds of qualities you want your son to have by the time he's grown up. When you compare lists, don't be critical of one another's list; look for the ideas you have in common. That's your common ground, if you have it.

A father's job is simple-lead and protect. When you say your husband is over protective-millions of women would love to be in your shoes. Once, my ex-husband called to me from the couch-"the baby has a knife in his hand" ! Emphasis on "EX" here. If you think overprotection will bring down a marriage-try negligence! Finding a therapist in your area will be easy-getting hubby to change-not. In the meantime- be more specific-for instance, "does the baby have to wear a helmut when he is in the carseat?" "Won't the side air bags do the trick?" Also-no child ever "learned the hard way" from having a serious accident-look at what teenagers are willing to do-over and over again-despite a parents best efforts. Over protection now will be entirely undone the minute your child puts one toe in school. His peers will be able to talk him into just about anything. Be grateful-I went to pick up my toddler from my ex-in-laws-and he was out in 6 lanes of traffic in front of their house!

Take a parenting class with your husband. Check local churches, hospitals, libraries, etc..., for classes.

I urge the two of you to take a parenting class together so that you can work out a plan that you both can agree to. There has to be a way for both of you to compromise. If you live near a junior college, the best way to do this, I think, is to take a child development class together. That way you can learn what kids need and be exposed to various ways of providing that.

If you're not close to where you can take a class, I suggest that you read books on child development and discipline. I urge you to focus on development issues when then helps you to find ways of managing your child to maximize development.

If the two of you have difficulty reaching consensus in other areas, as well, I also suggest that you get started with marriage counseling. You're right. This can only get more complicated as your child gets older.

I second GrandmaTM & Laurie A. Gotta find a middle ground. Kids need to fail and they need to fall down once in a while so they can learn to pick themselves back up (literally and figuratively). We are very laid back with our son (2.5 yrs) and I think he's very well rounded b/c of it. He doesn't need someone to pick him up when he falls down. He says "Oop-si-daisy" and picks himself back up. I hope you two can find some middle-ground, as I would agree that the older he gets the worse it will get.

you need to set down house rules. and yes, you're right, little boys need freedom to get bumps and bruises...it's a natural and wonderful part of childhood. also, kids tend not to do things they're not ready for (climbing too high on the jungle gym for instance). if they are not able to, they won't. if they can do it themselves, they will. freaking out and constantly worrying about his safety will either make him afraid of everything, or even more determined to be independent, causing him to be defiant and reckless.

Look in to Love and Logic parenting classes. Haven't personally taken them but I'm currently listening to a cd and think what this guy says makes a lot of sense.

Here is a great resource for you- http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/. Great info there.

T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

Is there anything that your husband doesn't like about himself? Meaning does he dislike that he is anxious, or that he is afraid of new things, or heights or whatever? I ask this because since his family is like him, he was raised this way. If your hubs does dislike any characteristic I mentioned or something similar, you can point it out and say "hon, do you want our son to have that (fill in the blank) issue you don't like about yourself?" 40% of american kids are being diagnosed with some form of anxiety. Some is genetic some is enviornmental. An over protective parenting style can cause seperation anxiety for the child down the road. Just food for thought. I agree you should let a kid explore, but why don't you set up the parimeters and as long as you can assure your hubs that your son is in a safe space and you are going to let him discover he should be able to compromise and ease up on the over protectiveness. Counseling will also be very helpful in trying to find compromise. Good luck

I think you just need to sit donw and talk to your husband and try to compromise on certain things if he is willing to do that. He is your child to and it should be up to both of you on how to raise him and not just your husband. It is good to be protective, but kids will get a scratch or a bruise at times. What will he do when he wants to start playing sports,etc. I think you need to set some ground rules that you can both agree on. Respect how he feels, let him know he needs to respect your feelings also and that you want your child to learn how to be independant and fearful of everything.

I can relate, except in my house, it's the opposite. My husband is more "free" with our son, while I am more watchful. I am not super protective of our son, but I am more protective of him than my husband thinks I should be. He is a little boy, and it is important for him to explore his environment.
You two need to meet on common ground about this.

talk to him about it so he knows how you see things and try to find compromise -- then make your house "perfectly safe" (in your husband's opinion) so that the kid can roam free in the house at least. then find places where he feels the kid can be free/safe -- playgrounds that are fenced in, a backyard that he has checked over -- then go there for practice outings and let the kid be free there.

also, take your husband and kid to finland -- let them feel the freedom for once. maybe your husband needs to be in a place where he can get the hang of it. it happened to me; i lived in DC for a few years and longed to live in a place where i could walk the streets at night alone. then i moved to a town (in italy) where i could do it and it was great.

Here are some local marriage counselors I can recommend. Of course, you may want to check with your health insurance to see if anyone is covered in your plan.
Marriage Counselors:

Jennifer Lager, Psy.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
6832 Old Dominion Drive
Suite 200
McLean, Virginia 22101
Tel.: ###-###-####
Fax: ###-###-####

Althea Schottman, MA, LPC
Center for Marriage Counseling
9506-B Lee Highway
Fairfax, VA 22031
____@____.com
###-###-####

Bets Byrne, LCSW
12866 Harbor Drive
Lake Ridge, VA 22192
###-###-####
____@____.com
www.betsbyrne.com

Dr. William McLaughlin
8296 Old Courthouse Road, Suite C
Vienna, VA 22182
###-###-####