Will My Boyfriend Ever Embrace My Pregnancy?

There is no way for any of us to know whether he will have a change of heart or not. Only you know him; only you can make this decision.

I will say that if I were you, I would not count on a change of heart and I would now be deciding if I wanted to have a baby that I am going to raise (and support) by myself. I had to make that decision with my daughter. I KNEW my bf was not husband/father material so I sat down and really thought about raising a baby alone and made my decision based on that. I did have the baby and I did raise and support her alone.

Wow.... well, frankly, it all comes down to what YOU want....

You had been told that you most likely would not be able to get pregnant.... so, with that change of plans, you are the one that counts here....

Now, I will say right off that I don't agree with abortion, but it isn't my feelings that count... I know a lot of people do agree with that...

That being said, I don't think I could stay with a person that suggested killing their own child... but that is just my opinion.

At any rate, I would not suggest marrying this guy at this time and place....

Okay, you have the baby if you want the baby. If he goes away, he goes away. You both made this child and have a responsibility.

And I'm sorry to Heather, but child support is HIS responsibility whether or not he wants the baby. If he walks away, he still has to pay. If he sticks around, he will pay because he'll be there. But yes, do "stick" him with child support and don't "stick" the tax payer with child support. (I am absolutely not saying you would do that, but it's up to you and the baby's father to pay for the child regardless.)

You will be a single parent.

I was a 30 something professional when my then boyfriend and I got pregnant. We had been together for over a year. He bolted. He came back. He bolted again.

I have been a single parent for the past 16 years - it has been stupendously wonderful!!!!

You tell your family that you are pregnant. You leave him out of it. If they ask, you say "I really don't know what he plans - but I plan ....."

You are self supporting, independent, and will have your family there for you.

I would keep the baby and abort the boyfriend.

Seriously though, you have to decide what you want. Pretend he's out of the picture entirely. Is this truly the only time you might have a baby? Do you want a child? Talk to any single parent friends - do you think you can raise a child on your own? What about your career?

You do not have to marry him - at all. So, table that conversation for now. He might come around or he might not, but that shouldn't matter to this decision.

Good luck!

Hi J.,

It's okay to be confused, and you don't have to make any decision in this particular moment.

Let me ask-- how do *you* feel about having a baby? I understand the whole "I didn't think it could happen" thing-- I have been there myself.

My next suggestion would be to find a counselor to speak to about your feelings. And if your boyfriend does come around, go to a couples counselor. See if you two are compatible enough to be married and parent together. If you aren't, at least you will know going forward what the lay of the land is.

For what it's worth, guys do get caught off guard with this and then often do change their minds as to how involved they want to be. Be prepared for this. Right now, take care of YOU, figure out what you truly--in your heart-- want to do. I think he is in a 'freak-out' moment, really. My own dad suggested the same to my mom when they were married (she jumped the gun on ditching the birth control pills and didn't tell him)-- and I know he now deeply regrets what he said.

Your guy may also be afraid that you will stop working and that he will end up being the sole provider for your family. This is a very real burden for many parents (men and women), but something to be aware of and to ask about. I am concerned about the volatile fights, and that is something which will need to be addressed in counseling. No child should grow up amongst angry adults. Otherwise, search your own heart, find good counsel. My best wishes going forward.

Why do you think it's healthy and normal, to be with someone you have "volatile fights" with? It's not. Not healthy, not normal, not loving. Children are damaged by volatile fights and relationships. Do NOT marry, because of a baby. Never do that. This baby is already happening, a marriage won't change that, or make it easier. It will make it harder. You will likely get divorced, or be stuck in a miserable marriage. My advice for you doesn't even involve him. He had unprotected sex. He is an adult, and he knows that makes babies.

This what you think about. What do YOU want? If you didn't have this man anymore, what would YOU want. Can you live with aborting this baby? Can you live with having this baby? This comes down to YOU. You have to think of this as a single mother, because you don't know if he will truly be there in a relationship with you, in the future. What do YOU want?? What are the chances of you getting pregnant ever again? Can you live with losing the one chance at a child you might have? Do you want to be a mother?

I hear a lot of shame in the tone of your announcement.

And I also hear fear in the possibility of your BF abandoning you.

And I sense that you are not close to anyone in your family of origin, like your very own mother, whom you could confide in and find comfort with and look for a soft shoulder to talk with in person about such a dramatic life choice.

I am sorry that you have had to visit an internet site like this to find help and advice with such a deeply personal decision. I would hope that being a professional has not isolated you to the point that you do not have loving and trusted and close girlfriends to commiserate with and lean on during a time you need to lean.

There are already a few wonderful and sound answers below from women I have personally grown to admire on this site over the last several years. Trust me, we have seen a lot of stories, and yours is not the first, nor will it be the last. I hope you find the strength to read and re-read the answers and make the right decision for yourself and the life within you.

I want you to know, that I was in exactly your shoes about 22 years ago. I was a professional, and became pregnant with a man that I loved and who could easily provide a stable life and home ( I did not have infertility issues). However, that man did not want to commit to me and a baby. He was afraid of becoming a father. I was so devastated by his shallow choice, and I did not have friends to talk with. I did not keep the pregnancy and I live with that decision every day of my life. I regret what I did. Period. Our lives our short and I wish I would have given that baby a chance. I have never shared that story on this board before. You story reminds me of me, I was alone and scared. And you don't need to be. You need to be brave and take care of yourself first. Not Mr. I Don't Want To Be Tied Down, but want to have unprotected sex.

Be Safe. Be Calm. Have no regrets.

You said you thought you could not get prego, so think about that before you decide what to do. Do YOU want this child? Not him, YOU? This may be your one chance if you want to be a mother. I know it is his child too, but it is your body, your choice. You just might have to accept that if you decide you want this child you may have to raise it alone. Woman do it all the time. With time he will hopefully come around, but there is never a guarantee of that. Don't let him pressure your decision, take your time and follow your heart.

I have been married over 30 years.

One thing I have learned about men is that IF you tell them you cannot get pregnant and that is why you do not use birth control, they are going to believe you. They do not hesitate.. I COMPLETELY understand this situation and do not blame you in any way. This is a blessing and I hope no matter what may come, you are thrilled, this is so exciting..

Men in general, do not get into being dads totally until their baby is actually in the room with them. They just cannot see it so, it is more of a concept..

Until then they are more anxious, than totally thrilled. Not that they will admit this to us.. but I have heard them talk amongst themselves.

Once it begins to sink in they are responsible for this child, then they really start kicking it into gear.. This means they either become totally in love with the a baby and start working triple hard to provide for this family..

Or they flip out and become so overwhelmed they shut down and eventually take off.

Speak with him. Allow him to totally be honest. Try not to take offense from his fears, his frustrations.. whatever he says.

Let him know how you feel. How the baby is making you feel. And then really try to give him space and time to come to grip with what he THINKS at this time.. he wants to do.

Remind him that He has time. Remind him that when he sees this child his heart may surprise him so maybe not shut the door to this child.

Consider going to counseling to learn how to speak with each other, because raising a child and being a parent is a lifetime. You will always be in each other life.

EDIT after your SWH:
He's threatening you to take the baby away because HE DOESN"T WANT RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't let him threaten you into terminating. If you wish to terminate, be it on your own NOT on his terms. He's not going to try to take the child away. Use what he's doing now (he doesn't want the child) to your advantage. No court will give a man who doesn't want anything to do with the child full custody. I've gone through threats like these. I still do. This child is NOT him. Dont' think of it as "I don't want any part of him". I dont' want my ex husband but boy are my kids nothing like him, why? Because I raised them.

*****************************************************************************

You're both professionals which means you both whether apart or together can financially take care of a child (professional meaning you have a decent job with a salary and benefits). You do not need to marry this man and you definitely should not right now. Maybe in the future but marriage will strain your relationship more if the marriage is over a pregnancy.

He's confused. Let him be confused and work that out for himself. When I was pregnant with my unexpected 5th I really did consider abortion. I have not told anyone that but we are professionals as well and I put off getting my PhD to have children and was looking forward to getting that started. In the end I didn't and boy was I glad I didn't. Why? Because we could afford 5 kids. I know some women think abortion was right for them and that may as well be true. In the end all that matters is what YOU want. How do YOU feel about it? Step away from him and focus on yourself here.

If you ever wanted a child this is your opportunity to have one. Don't let someone else, whether it be your boyfriend or any of us decide for you. And if you don't think you are ready let me tell you... none of us are ready. Every person I talk to tells me that babies happen mostly by accident. From my sister to my physics professors. Very few pregnancies are planned. Most people somehow deal and deal we do and with our kids it's just worth it. So don't use "I'm not ready financially" or "He's not ready" Use: "I want one" or "I don't want one".

Well, if you boyfriend really wanted to make sure he didn't become a father, he should have worn a condom. "Not likely" that you could get pregnant doesn't mean 100% that you couldn't. So, he shouldn't resent you in the least if he decides to stay with you and be a parent to this baby.

The decision to carry the baby is yours. He can decide to leave or stay, but he can't decide whether you have the baby. Would you want to be a single mom either right from birth, or maybe a couple of years down the road? Could you support the baby financially? Do you want this baby?

He's likely confused but will he come around? only time will tell.

Whatever you do, do NOT get married yet...with or with a baby on the horizon AND do NOT make any decisions because of feeling pressure from him. YOU have to be ok with and willing to live with your decisions so you don't want to make one you will regret forever...especially since you may have difficulty ever conceiving again.

I see red flags all over the place, J.. You have volatile fights and have only been together a year. This is NOT a good relationship and I actually hope that you do NOT marry him.

For some reason you think it's perfectly normal to be with a man you have volatile fights with. Why is that? Did you grow up with this in your home? If you did, fighting with your boyfriend of a year is NOT normal. It's supposed to be the time when you are both showing your best.

What this DOES mean is that after you marry him, he won't feel that he HAS to behave anymore, and quite frankly, neither will you. Your baby will be subjected to volatile fights because he's got two parents who can't or won't get along. You will be responsible for bringing up a little life that cannot take care of itself. It will be your job to NOT allow this stuff in the presence of your daughter. How are you going to do this?

You need to go to counseling and find out what happened to you along the way in your life to make you think that volatile fighting is acceptable. You need to work with your counselor to CHANGE your mindset so that you will NOT accept this in your life. Either have the baby and be a single mother, or don't. Whatever you do, drop this man from your life and resolve in your heart that you will BE the kind of mother, either now or one day, who will not participate in fighting with a man and will not accept a man in your life who does it. If you can't do that, you will be an irresponsible mother. A baby who did NOT ask to be born deserves AT LEAST a mother who doesn't subject it to this.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm sorry your boyfriend is a dweeb. He may be a professional - but he's hardly a "man". Condition or not - he knew the possibility of having unprotected sex - so he knew the consequences or possibilities.

I am sure he is freaked out. I might be too. However, plan on doing this alone. just start planning like you are a single parent and press on. You can do it. Start researching day cares and nanny's to take care of the baby.

Don't pressure him for anything. Although he will have to provide child support - but don't count on it. Proceed as if you are doing this on your own.

I understand your feelings of being abandoned (no support). but you are a grown W., and a working professional. YOU CAN DO THIS..

Good luck!

he may choose to leave. in fact offer him to do just that. you're 34 and capable of taking care of the child yourself. you don't need your family's approval. especially being a professional, don't show yourself dependent on him. in fact tell him if he doesn't want the child, he should leave now.

Do you want this baby? This is about you and what you want.

I wouldn't even consider him embracing it or not.
He had sex with you thinking there was no risk of pregnancy.
If he had WANTED kids he wouldn't have been in a relationship with you in the first place, right?
So, consider yourself a single mother.
He may or may not decide to be a father, but you don't have that luxury. If you continue with the pregnancy you WILL be a mother.
Decide what YOU want.
And if nothing else, make sure he pays child support.

He's likely confused too... To you this is an extra special gift as you thought you likely couldn't get pregnant. For him, this wasn't planned and he doesn't have the same stake in this pregnancy in a way as you. He probably can father a child later if he wants... Did he seem to want kids before? If he always said "I never want to have kids" this is even harder for him. If he generally wanted to have kids and get married, he likely is just panicking. Of course, even he likely doesn't know. Does he have anyone to talk to? As for resenting later, that depends. I wouldn't say I resent my kids but it's hard at times. I do remind myself that I wanted them though! It doesn't mean he wouldn't love the child just as I love my kids beyond words. But it's a huge huge lifestyle change. And as for the fights, I don't remember during dating but my husband and I have had plenty and we're fine. We'd get married all over again. But - my husband really did always want kids and to be married someday. That definitely helps. As agonizing as this already is, I may try giving him a week to think about things. Don't talk. Just space. I think if he can talk to some dad friends, that might help. I would also think if he decides he doesn't want the child and you abort, it'll be tough to continue to relationship at all. I'd remind him of that - unless he's always said he never ever wants to have kids but wants to be with you and you're ok with that. There are people who marry never intending to have kids. 33 isn't old for a guy. You're in a cosmopolitan city where likely plenty of friends don't have kids yet. So this wasn't on his horizon. Sorry you're dealing with this. It's very hard. All you can do is give it a bit more time.

I think this was a wake-up call. You can call the pregnancy a miracle, if on some level you truly wanted to get pregnant. Otherwise, it's an accident. Maybe he's an awful person, and maybe he's not. It sounds to me like he's just desperate for you not to have a baby with his DNA, so he'll say and do anything. It's not cool, but it's what desperate looks like. Take that into account as you make your decision; be sure not to act out of pure selfishness. Here's a thought: Maybe he is a good guy who would feel guilty not caring for a child with his DNA, even though he is deathly against it. Could that be part of his desperation? You owe it to him and to your fetus/future baby and even to yourself to consider his feelings, too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You need to decide right now if you are prepared to do this without any input from him. That means none of his money, energy, time.... If the answer is yes, then carry on with the pregnancy, but do NOT try to stick him with child support. If the answer is no, then have a real heart to heart with him and maybe a therapist who can get to the root of his concern and help determine if this is likely just cold feet or a long-term perspective. NEVER go into a life-long commitment waiting for somebody to "come around". That is disaster in the making, and you will have nobody but yourself to blame for that disappointment.

Also, please don't minimize what you have heard him say with his own mouth. If he tells you that he does not want to care for a baby, please hear that, and don't blow it off. Assume that he means what he says. Don't shove a baby down his throat and then wonder why he hates for the rest of his life. He is not a bad guy just because he asked you to terminate the pregnancy. He didn't slam you against a wall when he said it, did he? Is he not entitled to tell you how he feels about this and express his desires?

Were you ever actively trying to get pregnant? If not, then that "likelihood" that the doctors mentioned should be less of an issue. If this is not the right time or place, then it's just not. Talk to another doctor; conception is promised to no one, no matter the health. Don't let the irresponsibility between you make this decision for you. ("I'll just step out into the street with my eyes closed. If I get hit, then that's a sign from God....") Maybe your pregnancy is a miracle. It could also be a random occurrence. It happens all the time. If you think that this is your one bite at the apple, then have a baby, but know that one set of consequences of that decision will be NO SUPPORT from the man who sat with you and honestly told you that he does NOT want to shoulder the responsibility of parenthood. No right or wrong here. Just wrong for one of you to FORCE your decision on the other.

Good luck.

ETA: Sorry, lady, child support falls on the people who want to be parents. Any woman who chooses unilaterally to have a baby should shoulder the responsibility on her own. If tax-payers get stuck with the bill, it's not the fault of the person who opted not to have a baby. that person had a valid solution. Period. I'm thinking that if this were the other way around and she did not want to have a baby but he did, you would again tell her that it's totally her call. No wonder certain men feel so disenfranchised when it comes to parenthood. They only have 50% rights and responsibility when they are in complete agreement with the women. Otherwise, they have 0% rights and 100% responsibility. I don't see why every one of them wouldn't choose to run from that. If women took more responsibility for their own reproductive decisions, fewer pregnant women would get pushed down the stairs. Not to bash the poster because I don't know her, but maybe the volatile fights are initiated by her and he knows that he does not want to coparent with a loon. Maybe she's just good in the sack and nowhere else. You don't know what his reasons are, but they are just as valid as hers.

"If you want people to be responsible for their children, you have to give them the right to decide whether or not they have children."

he may he may not. but do not rush into marriage. wait a year after the baby is born then decide if marriage is right. dont abort unless you really want to abort. only you can say its right for you. weigh the fact that this may be your only child could you ever forgive yourself for aborting it?. i do not pick up that you want to abort.
include him in the drs visits. dont force him to go but let him know when they are so he has the option to go.
once the baby is born and you guys get through the first year you can better see the way he is going to be. im sure hes just freaking out because its an unexpected pregnancy.
take a breath and try to relax about things. dont pressure him to be around give him the option the more you pressure the more he may push away. he could be totally divoted to you soon. or he could not.

****women become mothers as soon as they know they are pregnant. most men do not become fathers till they hold their baby..****

I am so sorry your man is acting like an idiot, it happens. Congratulations on getting pregnant, I mean what a little miracle, even with the tough timing. Give him time, I do think he will come around. I adore my hubby but he was a bit special with our first. We had only been married for six weeks and voila, the plus sign showed up! Did he get me flowers, nope; take me to dinner, nope; hug me, nope...he grabbed a catalog if the products we sold and laid in bed for two hours muttering 'I have to sell more....' He was super stressed, I was hysterical, it was a mess! But hey 5.5 yrs later that little boy is the joy of his world! So yeah, a good man comes around, a jerk, eh, who needs em'? Hang in there, it sounds to me you want your baby, that is enough today, hang in there!!

I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the other responses but here is my 2 cents.

First, having a baby is hard even when it's planned and both parents are fully on board. It's a lifetime commitment and you are wise to think long and hard about it.

Your boyfriend is freaking out and understandably so. Now is the time to really talk. If you continue the pregnancy, is he going to resent you and the baby? If you terminate the pregnancy, are you going to resent him? Will the relationship withstand the pressure this decision is going to put on it? You need to look at this from the assumption that you will be a single parent. If he pulls his act together and becomes involved, that will be a bonus. Don't expect it.

Please, please, PLEASE seek counseling. Go alone if your boyfriend won't go. You need someone to help you process all your options.

He may be scared. He may just be a selfish jerk. In any event, he needs to decide, NOW, whether he is choosing to be a family with you and this baby, or not. If not, then it's better for you all to know now, and for you to move on without him. Please don't get married just because you're pregnant, and especially with the way he's been acting.

I am not sure that I could still look at him the same, given all the things he's said, if we stayed together. I'd always wonder if he stayed for the kid, if he actually loved me and the child, or if he'd rather have been elsewhere. You will never regret having a child, but you will regret staying with someone who doesn't want a family.

I'm hoping he's just wigged out and handling it poorly.

Well I don't know if he will accept it or not, but at 34 years old I would imagine you are mature enough to know that this baby will be YOURS, whether he wants it or not.
So do what YOU want to do.
Oh, and FYI when a guy wants to marry you he doesn't talk about it, he proposes.

Congrats on the baby!!! You are so lucky and blessed to get to have a baby when you didn't think you could have one!

My husband said that when we got the news about our daughter he was super excited. Then reality hit him like a ton of bricks that he was going to be a dad and have that responsibility. We had been trying for a couple of months, but it was still hard on him. I think your bf may just need time to process.

That said, he may not. But, YOU have to think for yourself: Do you want kids? Will you regret never having any if you can't get pregnant again? This really might be your once in a lifetime shot. But, if you don't want any kids, then you might think about that too.

The reason I think that your bf will probably come around is because he was super excited until he got past the excitement and reality set in. It doesn't mean he doesn't want the baby, he just has to process it! And remember, you have only known for a week. That is not very long. I firmly believe that we are pregnant for so long to give us time to mentally prepare for the impending birth.

You haven't even been to the doctor yet right? or have you? Sometimes you need to see that little heart beat on the ultrasound for it to really sink in and be real. Give him time, but at the same time, this is a happy and momentous occasion, and you should certainly tell your family. Just say that you don't know what the plan is yet. They can actually help you decide what YOU want to do for YOU and YOUR baby, but you do have to make the decision. Good luck, and come back as many times as you need to.

Nobody can say if his attitude will change or not, but hopefully he is just dealing with the shock of it all and not able to think straight. That being said, you need to ask yourself if you think you have a future with this man. Were you ever considering marriage, baby or no baby? Is he the kind of man you could see yourself with down the road, or that you can trust to do the right thing? You say you have a loving relationship, but admitting to having "volatile fights" does not sound healthy, and not the kind of environment you want to be bringing a child into. Counseling may help with these issues if he is willing to attend but you need to ask yourself if you want a child badly enough to raise it alone, or if you would be willing to consider adoption if he doesn't want to have any part of it. You also need to consider if you would still want to be romantically involved with him if you did go through with an abortion.

Think about what YOU want and be honest with yourself about what he is capable of, and what he may not be. It's his choice to be a part of this baby's life or not, but as far as I am concerned, he has no right to tell you to have an abortion just because he doesn't want to be a parent. He can sign his rights away and then you are free to do whatever you feel is best.

ETA: I sent you a PM, but after reading your SWH, I can't believe that someone could be such an a**. He wants nothing to do with the pregnancy, the birth, etc. but then wants to seek custody if you do go through with it? He doesn't want a baby to change his life, but what does he expect if he seeks custody? Huh???? If he only wants the baby to get back at you, or avoid having to pay child support, this innocent child is a pawn in his sick twisted game and he is not fit to be a father to anyone. Maybe now you are seeing his true nature and it's a blessing in disguise. I would not continue in a relationship with him, whether you keep the baby or not. Drop him like a bad habit, document everything, and if you do decide to keep the baby, get a damn good lawyer on your side!

I know you said that you talked about marriage. Did your talk about marriage include a discussion about possibly having children, or even adopting if you coudn't conceive? He is probably just feeling scared and overwhelmed. I say this because I think if he REALLY didn't want you to have the baby he wouldn't have had an initial reaction of happiness.

Please don't let him pressure you into an abortion. No guy is worth that. A real man takes responsibility for his role in creating a baby, by either being involved in the baby's life, or by paying child support if he isn't going to be a good father. Cowards press their girlfriends or wives to have an abortion.

If you need to, please seek out the help of a crisis pregnancy center in your area. I would NOT go to a Planned Parenthood or similar place, as they have a vested interest in encouraging women who go to them to choose the path of abortion. Google "Crisis pregnancy centers" in your area and you should find a place that can give you AND your boyfriend counseling and help give you confidence to let this baby's life continue.

ETA: Please go to a crisis center before making this decision. Don't go to an abortion provider. They won't even let you listen to the baby's heartbeat because their goal is to get you to choose an abortion. About 99% of women who go to Planned Parenthood for crisis pregnancy counseling end up choosing abortion, and abortion is Planned Parenthood's main source of revenue.

I have a very hard time believing that a court would grant a man custody of a child he desperately wanted to have aborted. You can get custody of this baby. Document everything he says to you. Get as much of his communication with you as you can in written form: texts, email.

If you still cannot see yourself keeping this baby, after consulting with your family and friends, and a crisis pregnancy center, please consider giving the baby up for adoption. I have 5 wonderful family members that I would never have been able to have known if it weren't for their birth mothers who gave them up for adoption. My best friend adopted a newborn 3 years ago, as she and her husband had been trying to have a baby for 5 years, but have never been blessed with a baby. Their little boy has such a wonderful life now, and his birth mother has been allowed as much or as little contact with them as she is comfortable with. Please know that you have loving options. Don't let this @sshole "man" bully you into denying your baby the right to be born and to see this beautiful world.

And I know it isn't the same, but please remember that we'll all be here for you along the way, whatever you decide.

If you do have an abortion, there is a wonderful organization called Project Rachel that helps women heal from their post-abortion emotional wounds.

Much good advice already given.
My initial reaction was that he is probably scared. At first he was happy... then the realization of what it means and how it will/might change his life started to set in. And then, the thoughts of parenting and how he thought it would be (one day?) started creeping in. You know... even how women can be with this sort of thing. Often, we think we are all feminists and can do and handle and be anything we want to be. But really, deep down inside, sometimes buried, there is a soft place that yearns to be cared for and taken care of and made safe. It doesn't negate our ability... but we DESIRE to feel loved that way-- most of us anyway.
Well, men can have a similar type reaction--only it is the opposite. Instead of all the warm, loving, blissful family moments (which it sounds like he might have had right at first), the reality of what "being a father" means to HIM started to set in. It probably goes something like this: Provide and support my wife and kid(s)--meaning, buying a house for them, keeping a roof over their heads, grocery $ in the bank account, and college funds instead of (or before?) retirement dreams. And it is a big responsibility. And it is scary.

Whether that is what his and your reality ends up looking like is anybody's guess... but that is what probably started going through his head on some level.

I'd give him some breathing space. And yeah, if you have married friends with kids, suggest he go out for a guys night and ask them what they really think of fatherhood. It changes people.

Most guys by 34 are mature enough to accept responsibilities. He, apparently, is not. He may feel sucker punched, but you, too, were surprised. Since you didn't think you could get pregnant, were you having unprotected sex? Between his indecisiveness and unsupporting attitude and the "volatile" fights, I would not invest too heavily in the hope that he's in it for the long run. Without a marriage, he's free as a bird, leaving you holding the diapers. Personally, I would prepare to be a single mother. If he steps up like a man on his own accord, great. If not, you won't be disappointed as you'll be prepared to go it alone.

Well, you didn't trick him. A miracle happened. He was not prepared to deal. If YOU want this baby, then make the choice to have this baby. Step away from him.

Why do you have to wait to tell your parents/family until you know what he is up to dealing with?

His support is a separate issue. He may be unable to deal and the relationship will end. He may be in shock and may turn around and be supportive. But I don't think this will happen quickly. You all need time to deal. Take the time for yourself. This is your body, so he can't MAKE you abort.

The first question is do you really want to have a child. Whether or not this is as a single mother. If so - you should continue the pregnancy. The second question is whether he wants a child. If he truly does not want a child, the right thing to do is end the relationship and allow him to terminate his parental rights. While it may be legal for you to force him to pay child support - he really has no say in whether you continue the pregnancy or not and ethically should not be responsible for an 18 year commitment that you are making against his wishes. If he does want a child - you will over time need to work out whether your relationship will continue (hopefully) or whether it will run its course and eventually you will separate but the child will have two parents. I would not marry him because you are pregnant. That is a LOT of pressure and could very well be the stress that ends the relationship (if pregnancy itself does not).

If I did not want a child and a partner had one (this is theoretical as I am female and hence could not accidentally sire a child), I would do everything legally possible to terminate rights and would resent that person forever. DH and I had this conversation before we ever started sleeping together. I assume you did not because you assumed you could not get pregnant.

Add: Exactly what HL said.

What do YOU want? If you want a baby, then by all means have the baby. But in doing so, know and try to understand that he may never be a part of this child's life except for financial support. Try to find a counselor and take him. You both need to get it out in the open what you expect and want, and a counselor can help facilitate those conversations without things turning completely sour. Good luck and congratulations!

You need to decide what you do want to do. My feeling from your writing is that you DO want to have this baby. Make your decision and don't look back. When this happened to me, I had the baby and BF ditched the scene. Never regretted my decision, it was the best thing I ever did. You certainly can raise this child on your own, or he may decide to be a partner, but do not let your choice be dependent on him.

Do not rush into marriage either way. I'm concerned when you say that you and he have "volatile" fights. What does that mean? That is a huge red flag for any future whether or not you have this child.

**ETA- I would give Shane B. 1,000 flowers if I could!!!!

I would keep the baby and tell him to stay or leave - whatever! If he leaves, you two were not meant to be together anyway. Either way you'll be fine and you'll have a beautiful blessing of a child. I believe that everything happens for a reason and also, that you can't "force" anything. So enjoy this ride and opportunity that has been placed in front of you...........and be accetable that if he leaves, then that's the best thing for you. :) If he stays, you make damn sure that he's good enough for you (and child) and if he keeps on with the crazy behavior, tell him to go. Your strong and you don't have to sacrifice for a realtionship with "volatile fights". When you are with the right person, it's easy......... Start being selfish and focus on you and baby and being happy. He can't make you happy, only you can do that. Fine inner happiness and let go of the drama - and if that includes him, so be it. Congratulations! :)

I think you have to decide whether YOU want the baby regardless of whether he wants the baby or not. If you want the baby, what he wants doesn't matter.

I don't think the back story really even matters except that your doctors told you it was unlikely you'd ever get pregnant! Yet here you are with this miracle pregnancy! His expectations about pregnancy are a moot point. You weren't deceptive and you didn't expect or plan this. But you do have this miracle baby. I would be very hard pressed to allow him to pressure you into an abortion when you have this pregnancy that you never expected... that your doctors didn't think was possible.

A miracle baby. Think about that. Remove him from the equation and just think about what YOU want right now. And remember that no matter what he wants he'll have to legally support that baby. Whether he comes around or not will be his choice. How the two of you come through this will take a lot of work. It could happen, but he'll need time and you'll need to come to a decision long before you reach 24 weeks.

It sounds like he took a few days to think about what he wants and talked to you truthfully. He said if you are willing, he wants you to abort. Did he mention what he would do if you are not willing to have an abortion? Did he say he would leave you or be totally unsupportive? Or would he accept it and try to build a relationship with you and his child?

Maybe because of your medical condition he was comfortable living a life without children, especially if you two have talked of marriage before. What a shocker to suddenly be pregnant! If motherhood is something you really want then this might be your only chance, you have to think long and hard about where to go from here. Although he is the father, I think the decision comes down to you. If he's feeling pressured to get married, then don't get married. Its not like you can say, lets have an abortion now and get pregnant later, as that might not be a possibility for you. You can always get married later. Remind him that life doesn't always turn out like you plan.

Good luck with everything, I hope you find the support you need no matter what you decide.

i would weight what to do VERY carefully since its likely you will never get pregnant again. If you in your heart want a baby then I would stay with it and distance yourself from him. If you dont want the baby then I'd still distance myself from him.

He is acting like an immature child. He should know at this point if he wants to marry you and should say he;s under the gun. You didnt J. start dating. His not propisng yet and then saying he felt forced and didnt want the kid would be enough for M. to not want him

Tell your family (at least those you're closest to), and go from there.....

Iam sorry you are in the situation but for you to have gotten pregnant when there was a possibility that you could not is a gift from GOD. It makes me so angry and sick to my stomach that there are women out there that try and try and try and can't, I am one of them we have been trying for three years for #2 and we have accepted that it is not in our cards for whatever reason. But to read you want to just throw away this gift is absolutely selfish on your part. If its a religious reason think about the consequences from the Holy three if its a family thing because you are not married ask yourself this is it better to have a child that will give you unconditional love or to get rid of a child because of what your family will say. You don't HAVE to be married to have a child but you do need to have love for it.

if he didn't want a baby he should have worn a condom. if he wants out, don't feel guilt for charging child support. you are not to blame for anything here, and he is not a victim.