What Would You Do? - Las Vegas,NV

I would report her to social services. You know her whereabouts thanks to facebook but you can help any child she may be foster parenting now! I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience in foster care. It just sounds awful.

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I would report her to social services. I don't think you should email or send her a FB message. I think she can use that against you.

I would NOT do anything on FB, it is a very public forum and her allegations that "you are the troubled one" might get some ammunition by a rant on FB. If you want to do something, I would contact an attorney or otherwise social services and sent a notarized letter with your history with her. It is just your word against hers, but perhaps a letter of complaint will keep them from placing other kids with her or investigating her. On top of that, I would be happy to have her out of my life and do not invite her back in with FB. Be careful to follow a legal path of complaint, not something she could call harassment of libel showing your FB postings.

I would call the city's social service agency where she lives and find out if she is still fostering. Then I would let them have it -chapter and verse- of all the things she did to you. If foster dad was a pervert and did things he should not have done to you, there is usually no statute of limitations on these things and he can be prosecuted. If they are not still fostering, I would talk to an attorney. I would NOT send her any warning on facebook. This is not revenge, this is not getting even or anything like it. The state should have watched out for you better than they did and this is about righting a wrong. God Bless you in your search for justice.

She sounds like a horrid person, so if you send her any sort of message, she'll probably fire right back at you and hurt you even more. For that reason, I wouldn't do it. But I understand why you want to.

I do think you should report her to the local Department of Children's Services or whatever the office is called there. She needs to be stopped in her tracks. I'm sure she is continuing to hurt children.

you obviously have issues that have not been dealt with, so I would suggest to write the email to purge yourself of all that is still bottled up, but I would not send it. Reason being is that the email is not going to be productive for her in any way. it will not change her or what she believes, or how she treated or treats you, but writing the email could be very productive for you in reaching a place where you can forgive her and release the burden you are carrying around. Just my take on it. Sorry this happened to you and I hate that you were let down by all those who should have been there for you!

I am so saddened that this happened to you. [hugs] I am outraged on your behalf.

You've had a lot of good advice, suggesting that you report these people, especially if you find that they are still taking in children. That is a good plan. Writing a list of the wrong doings and ways they abused the system, as well as the children they cared for, in an unemotional and factual manner will get a better response than using an emotional or angry tone. Do it in both states that they fostered you in.

Before you do so though, see if you can locate some of the other young people that were fostered with you. Ask them if they want to join in on any complaint you file. That way your statements will be backed up by others who experienced the same ill treatment at these foster parents hands.

I would NOT talk to her on Facebook or communicate with her in any way. She is what she is, anything you say to her will not change the past, won't change how she behaves or cause her to feel any remorse. She is incapable of feeling what you wish she would. Writing a letter, where you pour out all your feelings and vent your anger at her, is good. Write it then put it away: don't send it. This will help you let it go.

It's easy to see from your letter that you are a strong young woman who survived this with intelligence and good character. The best way to "get back" at these people is to live a much better life than they do. Treat those around you with love and respect, be the wonderful parent that you wish they had been. Turn the wretchedness of your youth to security and happiness for the children in your life.

Good luck and let us know what you decide. All of us are here for you, to listen and support you anytime you want to talk more. Take care-

You survived and got away from a really bad situation and didn't let it break your spirit. If you confront this creature (and I use that term because anyone who would treat defenseless children that way is not human) it may feel good for a short time but provide her with ammunition against you. I would contact the foster system and report her. If you can get a couple of the other kids to support your statements and get any children that may be in her "care" away from her.

I would wonder if she's still fostering and maybe talk to social services about her... have them seriously check her out.
How horrifying that you had to deal with that, yet you sound like you have recovered and are probably a stronger more in tuned person/mother because of what you suffered. (turning a crappy thing into something good is an awesome ability)--and a person should never discount what can be learned from a BAD EXAMPLE.
Since you have this overwhelming urge to say something to her maybe it would be best to "thank her" for all of the things you WILL NOT BE?
And at the end of your post tell her you would really apprciate all of your personal items back if she happens to have them in a basement still at hand.

OK. I realize that there are a lot of feelings, emotions and anger you'd like to express to this woman.
I'd consider obtaining her mailing address and sending her a letter. That will make sure you get it ALL out.
But, most importantly, I think you need to bring her actions and behaviors to the foster care system that she fostered in. I'm sure other foster kids had the same experiences with her and the agency NEEDS to know! You're all older now, and I think they need to investigate.
I think once you express your feelings in a letter, you will begin down the road of forgiveness. You've got a great role model for what type of mother NOT to be. How horrible. Good luck and God bless.

you need to report her to anyone and any agency that will listen. the kids that are in her care right now need you to stand up and do the right thing. dont contact her on FB, just turn her in!

Hello, If confronting her would empower you, then go for it. She and her husband need to be reported to Social Services. Other children could be at risk. You didn't say if you have siblings who are with these people. This type of person can go under the radar and not be caught for many years. Until they are stopped any and all children who come in contact with them will be at risk.
Good for you for getting your life in order with your own child. You seem to have learned to be a good parent in spite of your own upbringing. Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

It's usually best to leave toxic people in the past where they belong and have nothing to do with them.
Some therapy might help you put the past behind you.
If you know she broke/is breaking some law, and you can find witnesses to back you up (it comes down to your word vs hers), you can take her to court. It might give you some satisfaction she won't be able to do these things again, but you're going to have to spend money on lawyers to do it.

I would do everything that Alice suggested. Report that b, don't give her a warning on facebook that you know her whereabouts.

The best answer is certainly not the easiest. That would be to stay on the high road and let the past stay in the past. I think saying anything to her at this point will just kick up the dust of bad memories and make you miserable all over again. MUCH easier said than done. Temptation makes you want to blast her and probably slap her around a bit for how awful she was (and what it did to you). BUT, even if you could do all that, in the end you wouldn't feel any better. There's a temporary release of built up anger, but because all that dust got kicked up again, the anger is newly charged and the cycle never ends.

I'm sorry you had to be raised in that type of environment. At least you know how toxic it was and can be a better mother to your children for that acknowledgement. Some people just repeat patterns because that is all they know. You know the difference between what is good parenting and what is bad, so you are on the right track for having a much better life from here on out. :)

You already got a lot of good advice but after reading your post I just wanted to say this to you: I wanted to say how strong I think you are for coming out of that horrible situation and still being such a good person. So many people go through something like that and become jaded and scary toward their own kids (and other people). Bravo to you for living thorugh such a nasty experience and being able to see that life does not have to be like that!

Keep up the good work :)

Hi, yes i would tell her how you feel you need closure to this terrible part of your life. Are you going to report her to the foster care system for how she treated you? Does she still have foster care children in her home? does she still mistreat them? Wow thank god you got out. J.

You could write an email to her, but not send it. Sometimes it helps just to write it all down and let it out, then delete it. I would also check with social services and report her.

I think you absolutely write the letter email whatever, (whichever is more thereapeutic) but DO NOT SEND IT. If she is still a foster parent and still horrible I think you have a duty to report her as well. Then I would NEVER make contact or think of her again. Have you seen the drew barrymore cinderella story "ever after"??? If not you know the basic story but at the end when danielle/cinderella marries the prince she tells the step mother that she forgives her but she will never EVER think of her again. So powerful. Do the same. Best of luck to you!

wow that's interesting why not connect and tell her that she taught you how NOT to good mother and that your live is great now and that you forgive her for all the rotten things that she did it just made you a better person..........leave any guilt and/or blame on her. Then block her out so she can't say something nasty back

First of all, I just want to say that I'm so sorry you had a terrible foster home. I am currently in the process of becoming a Children's Advocate, which is an organization that helps to give foster kids a voice, when they cannot speak for themselves, or defend themselves. I am anxious to make sure that foster children are treated properly and taken care of. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Secondly, at first I was going to say just leave it alone, but after thinking about it, if I were in your shoes I'd want to confront her. I would send her a message and be very open and honest about your feelings. It's not right the way you were treated. She completely abused you and abused the system. How does she sleep at night?

Also, I would make sure she's not still fostering children. There must be a number you can call to explain what happened while you were there. They may not go crazy over it considering there are actually worse fostering situations out there (so sadly true) but atleast you will have done your part, giving someone the heads up.

So, send her a message! You don't have to friend her. Just go to her profile page and click "send message" underneath her photo. Maybe it will help you release some bottled up feelings.

Good luck, keep us posted. Happy Holidays.
Lynsey

I was treated that way by my own mother so I understand how hard it is and how much anger, etc. that you would have toward her. I would not contact her, I think it will be much better if you don't..it would start a bunch of drama and the answers you are looking for you might not get so you would be frustrated. I chose to cut my mother out of my life cold turkey, I have a lot of anger and questions for her but I know they will never get answered and she will never change so sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is just move on and leave well enough alone. The past is the past and just be grateful you survived, just know that we are stronger people because of it. If she is still fostering I would definately turn her in, if she is not I would just let it go.

I'm very sorry about your awful experience in Foster Care. I'm glad you are now out of that horrible home and have a family of your own. My advice to you is to try and be the best mother to your children that you can be regardless of your own childhood. Please don't ever use your childhood experiences as an excuse. Instead use your experiences as a life lesson as how not to be. You might really enjoy reading "Bad childhood, Good Life" by Laura Schlenssinger. I don't always agree with her on everything but she's right on about letting go of a bad childhood and moving forward with a happy life. In regards to your foster Mother I think you should report her to the agency that employs Foster parents in the state where she resides in case she is still a foster mother. What a horrible person she is. You can also send her an email if you know her email address. You can trick her into giving you her email address by first friending her on facebook and sending her a friendly "hello" message. Don't say too much in your message thought. Then follow up with an email reminding her of how she treated you and how now that you are an adult you are truly disgusted and ashamed of her behavior and lack of compassion and care to children placed in her care.
Then love and care for your children the way you should have been, enjoy your life and be happy!

Wow, AL.. I really admire your attitude. Given what you have been through, it would have been easy just to "tell her off", and you would be in your right to do so. But honestly, when you do something like that, you don't get that feeling that you're looking for that will "make it better". It will probably even make you feel worse because you will have remorse/guilt to deal with as well.
My suggestion would be to write all your feelings out on a letter. Put absolutely everything you can think of in it and then burn it. I did this with someone who violated me and it was very freeing. Your foster mom will not understand nor validate your emotions because she is "damaged" and she lives in different parameters than you do. Put all those negative feelings and emotions from your past into loving your daughter. In essence, "make lemonade out of those lemons".

i am sorry you had to go through that, use that to make you the best mom possible. If anything use this Holiday season to forgive and heal. This time of year is when more wrongs are made right, and old wounds healed. I do agree that you need to reort her behaviors to the foster care system, so she can not misstreat any other children. If you send her a message, just say Merry Christmas. J.

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i am sorry you had to go through that, use that to make you the best mom possible. If anything use this Holiday season to forgive and heal. This time of year is when more wrongs are made right, and old wounds healed. I do agree that you need to reort her behaviors to the foster care system, so she can not misstreat any other children. If you send her a message, just say Merry Christmas. J.

It's not necessary to forgive her right this minute - it might take years or even decades. I wouldn't contact her, though. You're better off not having any contact at all with someone who's not going to bring you any happiness.

Congratulations on your family! Best wishes for a bright future!

Hi, I read most of the posts and I agree with your "what happened" but I wanted to add something. Having to deal with some not so good things too it was brough to my attention that I was over compensating in raising my chldren. Sometimes as a parent you have to do things that are in the best interest of the child and parents need to inforce rules instill morals and ethics and be the diciplinary and if you become afraid of parenting because you don't want to be "mean" it is not healthy either. Just a point that I found important and helped me in raising my 6 kids to be the healthy productive individuals they are today.

Whatever you do, make sure you block her on FB s she can't post anything on your page.

It sickens me to know you've been through so much as a child in our foster care system. I know you are not alone and this only makes me feel worse. Of course, there are some great foster parents out there and every foster youth deserves to be treated with love, respect and the usmost care in all ways. You sound like you are an amazing mom and person and I have so much respect for you. I know most people say forgiveness is important and I believe that forgiveness is important for YOU. However you need to get there is up to each inidividual I believe. If finding closure/forgiveness happens by you confronting this monster, you should do it. You sound articulate and thoughtful and I am sure you can word your facebook post to her in such a way where she knows exactly what you mean without you even gettins too rude or nasty. You deserve to confront her and she deserves to know that what she did, how she treated you (and probaby other foster children) was not forgotten. Eventually, maybe you can forgive her so you can have peace. It's a process and I encourage you to follow what you need to do for YOU!