Foster Parenting and Adoption

Some close friends adopted a child from Russia five to six years ago. They'll tell you it's the best thing they ever did. Stop spending $$ on inventro, etc. with nothin to show for it. Put it toward a great end result......a new family member!

My husband and I adopted 2 children from Costa Rica 18 years ago and it was a wonderful experience. Adopted children are going to have issues to deal with but so do birth children. Raising kids will always have it's problems. Our problems were just different from those other families may have had to deal with. We did take in 2 other children through Summit County a while later and it was not a good experience and we decided not to adopt them. I don't know what ages you are looking at, but as far as older children go, I think the ones adopted internationally don't come with the amount of baggage the ones from the States do. Parents aren't given as many chances to "fix" their problems (which most times are never "fixed") so the kids don't have as much baggage to work through. By the way, our kids were almost 5 and 11 when we got them and they spoke no English; we spoke no Spanish. There was challenge #1! But I would do it again in a heartbeat. There is so much joy in raising children, it doesn't neccessarily have to be a child that has grown in your body to give that joy.

Hi there. I don't know much about foster to adopt. But I was adopted when I was 2 months old. My adoption was a domestic closed adoption. I have located my birth parents and have had an interesting journey. If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer anything! Just send me a personal message! :) I figured there is so much and it would be easier to see what you'd like to know before I type out a novel! :)

We were foster to adopt parents for about six years. The main difference between foster to adoption and regular adoption is that as long as the child is considered a foster child the state has custody but can give it back to the parents and the child can go "home". The parents still have their legal parental rights and no matter what the foster care agency is telling you the child still has a chance of going home. The pros to this is that you get to know the child before adopting the child and see if this child is going to fit in your home. Regular adoption means the parental rights are already legally taken away and there is no chance of the child returning "home". I know that in Ohio (where I live) even if you are doing this type of adoption the child lives in your house for six months before the adoption is finalized to see if things work out before making it final. There are a lot of kids out there that need a permanent, loving home and I have fostered quite a few kids and adopted one. I would realy do your homework and have a long discussion with your husband to see which is going to be the best for you.

Hello S.. I personally have not been through your situation. I just wanted to say that however you get a child (birth, adoption, foster, serogat, etc) the child is a blessing, but can be a horror story too. If you choose to have a foster child, don't refer to the 'foster child' as your child or your son's brother/sister. Just tell him that another child is going to come live with you for a short time. That should help better prepare him for the other child leaving if s/he does come and then go. Best wishes

My step mom and step dad have 4 foster-to-adopt children. (She isnt actually my step mom-she is my dads ex-wife) I love those kids as if they were my own true siblings!!! It has not/been easy for them either. He has a 36 and 33 year old son and my "other mother" has me 32 and my brother 28, so for them to have a 10, 6, almost 5 and 3 year old is a huge gap. They do need lots of love and help but they have a far better life then they would have if they all got to stay with bio's. Because they foster-to-adopt they know their bio parents and do have some contact, limited, with them even now. The oldest is not part of the other 3's sibling group so how they explained the fostering to him was they were borrowing the others until they were for certain they were going to get to adopt them. Kind of like a library book. They had to make it something he could understand and grasp. Those kids, though they do have medical issues, are very loving and just needed a safe place to be. If you and your family have the space and time to help even just one that makes you an angel on earth, in my opinion. I know that you do go to classes. Perhaps you can just go though the classes and see if it is something you definetly want to do. If you decide its not something then no harm, no foul.
Good luck with you decision, whatever it may be!
SZ

Hi S.,
I adopted my daughter as a single parent. One thing that bothers me is hearing people write that they are helping the child. The child is not the only one being helped the adopting family is being helped too by becoming parents. You should not go into adoption thinking of the child as a charity case. Adopting is a win win for everyone.

I chose to adopt because I didn't want the heartache of falling in love with a foster child only to have the child go back to the parent. Before deciding on whether to adopt or foster do more research. Be sure you are doing it because you want to love and care for a child and make that child your family. Please don't look at adopting as helping a child because your husband and you are being helped as well. Good luck with your decision.

Fostering and adoption is a wonderful thing to do. Yes, there are classes to take and paperwork to fill out and that takes time; however, the blessing that comes from giving a child a chance is amazing. You can request certain ages (like yonder than your son) and also request that you be sought for care on foster-to-adopt only. There are quite a few agencies around Indiana that will walk you and support you all the way through the process. Places like the Villages and Bethany to name just two.
Your son will have a brother or sister to share with and you will be able to provide a home to someone who needs it and share the love that sounds like is overflowing.
I wish you all the luck,
M.

Sorry this is so late in coming. My computer was down...
Where do I start? We have been a foster family for 3 years. We have 2 birth children, ages 8 & 10. If anyone would consider being a foster family, I say, look into it, take in as much information as you can and make an informed decision. Our system is broken and there is no easy fix. There are many things about it that drive me up the wall and back down. That said, do I regret doing this? No. It has taught me a lot about who I am and who we are as a family. We have been able to help children in need in ways their own family may not ever be equipped to. Is it a thankless job? At times, but there are precious jems in my memory and heart because of it. We, too, got into it so that we could adopt. Unfortunately, that has not happened yet. I think it would be good for every family in the nation to take the classes that are required for licensing as a foster family. Not because of the teaching on parenting, but to broaden their understanding of why children end up here and to help them have more compassion towards the families they are removed from. Is everyone a good candidate for fostering? No. It is something that cannot be taken lightly, but it is not necessarily negative. As for your child...they say children of foster families grow up to be more compassionate. It has had its effects on my children, some good and some bad. The hardest part has been when families have said our children could still see the children that have been placed with us and then they don't allow it. We have no right to the children once they leave, so there is nothing that can be done when this happens. It's hard for me as a mom and for my children.
That said,would I do it all again? Yes.
Good luck with your decision. The best advice I can give it to pray a lot and decide what your family can handle.

Hi S.
I read all the posts you got and they all have good points.
I have been were you are, besides I was never able to have a child of my own at all. I went through 3 years of infertility treatments , till my doctor said it was now time to do invitro or quit. I coudn't bring myself to do invitro. The money, but exspecially freezing embryo's wasn't for me. But everyone feels diferent about that.
Well anyway, after long talks and praying and looking into private adoption, reading about it, we looked into fostercare.
For us it just fell into place. We have now a 7 year old son, since he was 6 month old, adopted when he was three. We were his Fosterparents for 2 and 1/2 years. They were times we thought we might loose him and he would have to go back to his parents, but he didn't.
I don't know how religious you are and I don't want to sound silly, but it really helped me to pray about it.
It calmed me down and made me see things clearer and somehow I think it was meant to be for us.
The month we quit trying to conceive we got Wesley as a Foster child. When they called me We were getting ready to go on vacation, so I asked them if we could take him they said no. So I hung up and called my husband, and he said we cancel our vacation, 10th anniversary trip to disneyland, why didn't You think of that. Well I didn't,I called them right back and they had placed him allready with someone else.
So we went on vacation a few days later and got a phone call in florida from social service, are you still interested in taking Wesley. We drove home early and the day after our 10th anniversary Wesley came to our house. I'm not saying it was easy, he had some problems, but we worked through them. He was a screamer, that's why the first fostermom gave him back.
I thought about giving him back, I admit it, but then I always reminded myself, if he was mine I couldn't do that, why am I even considering it now.
Well he's a very smat child and the only problem he has now is ADHD. But a lot of children have that. My husband and I love him very much. He knows we adopted him. He has 7 brothers and sisters. he has some pictures of them. we were in contact with three of them in Va till we moved here, but now we haven't heard from them in a while. He likes his adoption story. I keep telling him that we needed a Baby and he needed a Family and God brought us together.
So everyone is different and has a different story and different experiences. Good luck. Feel free to e-mail if you have any questions.
M.

i just wanted to give you my two cents on fostering children. i was adopted by a wonderful couple when i was born but for many years now they have had foster children in and out of their home. growing up seeing my parents care for other children just as much as they cared for me was wonderful. i cant say it was all fun and games and things always went their way but there are many children out there that they have helped in some way. they had children of their own and eventually adopted another girl. i have never felt any resentment or bad feelings toward my parents for helping children in need. if i had a large enough house i would do the same. once my children are on their own (which is coming sooner then i would like) i do plan on carrying on the tradition. well i hope this helps a little. just remember that nothing in life is easy and nothing goes "as planned" when it comes to kids but you will see how much you mean to them for giving them a chance when you look in their eyes.

S.,

My husband, who is adopted, and I decided before we were married that we wanted to grow our family through adoption. After numerous attempts to conceive through Clomid/Metformin and one IVF treatment, we started the paperwork to adopt our now 5yo son. We chose to go to Russia for our first adoption because of all the horror stories we had heard about stateside adoptions. It worked out beautifully! Nine months after we filed our very first ream of paperwork, we were in Russia meeting our son for the first time. Three months later he was home with us! It was such an amazing journey, emotionally and physically.

In February 2006, we drove to Missouri to bring home a new addition, when the baby's mother changed her mind. We were heartbroken and frustrated. It was a very expensive trip to have nothing to show for it. I have one friend (and I'm sure there are others) who has adopted successfully here in the US. Our experience with US adoptions has not been so great.

Last year, we went through foster/adopt training. That was an eye-opening experience. We are not ready for fostering at this point in our lives. Both my husband and I felt it would be too disruptive to the emotional stability of our son (and us) to have kids come and go. We are waiting until he is older and can understand better what is going on. We also did not want to foster children older than our son for various reasons. Fostering is something we look forward to doing, but at a later time.

Research, research, research for any adoption you may be looking into, stateside or abroad. There are great agencies and not so great agencies out there. We have not given up hope on adopting more children. We are just waiting on financial issues to be resolved before we head in that direction again. Probably back to Russia, if it's safe.

Keep faith.

Hi S.,
I really appreciate your question, as I have a 4-year-old only child and have been considering fostering/adoption. My husband had a vasectomy last year. We decided we were happy with one. I went for over 2 years severely sleep-deprived, and she is a very active, high needs child. Also, I am almost 40 and decided not to risk the much higher rate of birth defects. However, even when I was single I liked the idea of adoption. I was a Montessori preschool teacher, and I always fell in love with the more difficult children. One was abandoned by his drug-addicted mother at birth and had severe ADHD. I still think about that kid and others often. I too worry that my biological child, who sometimes asks for a little sister, would get attached to a foster child and then be devasted when her sibling had to go back to her biological parents. But I talked to my cousin who works for children's services, and she said that 85% of those kids do not go back to biological parents. A friend of mine who went through the foster care training in the Cleveland area was told the same thing. In Williams county where I live, you can go through children's services just to adopt rather than foster first. I don't think there is anything wrong with having just one child, and there are benefits to a family this size. Only children are closer to their parents and learn to be comfortable being alone, which I think is a big problem in our society. Kids (and adults) feel they need to be constantly entertained and don't feel comfortable alone with themselves. I would say to keep praying about it, go with your heart, and take as much time as you need to make the decision. Be well, R.

My husband and I were going through the same decision as you about 8 years ago, except we didn't have any children. At that time, we decided to save up some money for adopting and we started taking classes for foster-to-adopt hoping we could get an infant that way. Well, God has blessed us twice with private adoptions who we found out about through a friend of a friend. We never actually did the foster-to-adopt thing because our daughter came along while we were taking classes. I know we were incredibly lucky, but I would encourage you to talk openly with people around you about your interest in adopting and you never know what could happen!

My best friend started out as a foster mom. I've sat back and watched the heartache she went thru over a few of the kids. I've also seen the wonderful things that have come from it. She has adopted several of thoses foster kids. Yes, they have had medical needs, but that was her specialty. Those kids have thrived in her home and are doing far better than doctors, therapists, and social workers ever imagined.

I don't know if every state is different, but in our state, you can choose the age group, sex of the child, etc. of the children you wish to foster. I agree that if you are considering becoming foster parents, maybe attend the classes to see if it's something that would fit your family. It's not for everyone.

It takes a very, very special person to become a foster parent. It's not easy! Only you and your husband can decide what's best for you. Good luck in your decision!
J.

When we adopted our youngest 6 years ago we already had two children from my husband's previous marriage living with us. They were in high school. We decided to go the adoption route instead of fostering so there would be less changes in the home. It is an adjustment for older children when you adopt but we thought the possibility of having a child and then them leaving would be even worse. Our son was 6 years old when we adopted him. He had originally been adopted by another family from Russia and it was not a success. We knew we would have some issues to deal with BUT we also had issues with our birth children. Looking back on the last 6 years there have been some difficult days but I wouldn't change it. Our adopted son is a wonderful addition to our family!

I have been in the social service field for almost 10 years. I would recommend adoption. There are some "nice" stories with the foster-to-adopt programs; however, there are some pitfalls too. With all the confidentiality concerns, I don't believe foster parents are equipt with sufficient information to care for children. For example, if the child had been sexually abused, most foster parents are not informed of it. This should be a red flag for behaviors/symptoms. Especially with a young son already at home, I would lean towards adoption. I hope this helps.

S.,

Hello! Our daughter is adopted and I sing the praises of adoption! Our beautiful, healthy, perfect daughter was given to us through the miracle of adoption. We adopted our daughter when she was 7 months old and she is now almost 5. Her adoption was a private adoption meaning we had heard of her situation through a friend of a friend and met her birth family and used an adoption attorney to finalize our adoption. The situation fell in place perfect. We have an open adoption with her birth family meaning I send letters, pictures, videos and share phone calls. I love the way our adoption is. I think it healthy for our daughter. If she has questions I always have the answers. There is not the unknown like in closed adoptions. Our daughter knows what her bio family looks like and their names and info about them so she does not have to wonder. I also know all family medical history and we can keep in touch with each other if there is any changes. I send artwork, and handprints and important momentos like a lock of our daughters hair from her first haircut. I feel so B. for this beautiful life God has given to us. Now that our daughter is almost 5 she asks for siblings so we are now in the process of adopting again. Our homestudy was finalized in July of this year and we are waiting for a placement. We are using an adoption agency this time. This agency places children through the foster care system but the parental rights have already been terminated so you do not have the fear of them being removed from your home once placed. I am scared to do foster to adopt with our daughter. I am like you and fear the emotional damage that it could do to an almost 5 year old child. We have just asked our agency to find a child under our daughters age because she wants to be a big sister. They say that the average wait for a placement through this agency is 5 to 8 months but I have seen many with placements in a month or 2. The agency we are using is Action in Dayton Ohio.(actionadoption.org) I know couples who drive from Cincinnati and Columbus to use this agency. They have tons of sucess stories. I love adoption and cant say enough about it. We also did fertility treatments before and ended up empty handed and went through physical and emotional pain form the whole experience. Not to mention we spent alot of money!!! This time when it came time to add to our family we did not even consider that route. I know everyones story is different but adoption was the biggest blessing for us!!!! Pray for Gods guidance in leading your family's decision. Best of wishes!!!!!

S.,

I adopted three kids. I wish i could tell you that it was a wonderful experience, but for us it was not so great.

Our two oldest children were adopted as older children (three and two) and our youngest was adopted as an infant. All three have alcohol damage from in utero, mood disorders, ADHD, and the oldest is attachment disordered.

If we had stopped with the first one, it would have been easier because I poured all my attention and efforts into helping him heal. I actually thought siblings would be good for him. However, there was never enough of me to go around.

I'm not saying that adoption is not a good thing, but you need to know what can happen. Some of these kids are severely damaged and it takes more than most couples have to heal them.

Adopting an infant is almost unheard of in this abortion-happy country, and that means any child available for adoption is going to come with baggage.

fostering a child is probably the best way to help them because the state pays for their health needs and mental health needs as well. After a period of time, if you see that the child is a good "fit" with your family, you might consider adopting, but make sure you get a subsidy and health insurance coverage because so many kids who have been through the system need extensive psychiatric intervention.

OK, now that I've scared you, I have to say that I would do it again, even knowing what I do now.

If you foster a child and end up not keeping them forever, you have given the child something they may have never had: love and stability. If you adopt a child you have fostered, you will still probably have some obstacles to overcome, but at least go into the process with knowledge of what is good and bad about the system.

Lastly, pray for the ability to do what is right for your family.

best wishes,
L.

I do not have any advice, but I wanted to applaud you for thinking of the foster care/adoption route. I am a momma of 3 (12,7,5) and have often considered this myself. It truly breaks my heart to hear of so many kids in the foster care system that end up in the "foster homes" where the adults are only in it to collect the monthly fee. Often times these kids end up abused or worse, and they didn't even stand a chance. People don't seem to realize that their one encounter with a child in need could be all that it takes to change the path of that child's life forever. I can also see your concerns on the effect it will have on your own son. If you do go the foster care route, why does the relationship with the foster child have to end if they replace him/her with another family? I don't know the specifics of the law, but I can't imagine that they would not allow someone who showed love and interest in a child's life to continue a loving "family" relationship with them. Good luck in whatever path you decide to take!

S.,
I actually feel this is a question that I might be remotely qualified to answer! hehe

1. There are horror stories w/ everything. So don't let that sway you. Friends who got prego the first round of clomid, and friends who did it for 9 months visual disturbances and all. Same for invitro...friends w/ twins. friend w/ no kids 5 tries later. Same for fostering, adoption, pregnancy, labor, etc. Whatever you decide is what you decide for your family...don't be swayed by other people's stories... :)

with that thought...here are my stories! :)

2. Growing up I was the biologicial child w/ younger foster siblings. Sometimes it's a great fit, other times it's not. Sometimes you run the risk of loving your foster child (or siblings),just to have them go back to their parents. It happens. It's painful, horribly so, but it's the cost of love. And I can say, from the child (well, teenager really) side of things. I'm so greatful for the year and a half I had w/ my foster brothers (who we were in the process of adopting). The experience as a foster sister has definately shaped me into who I am.

3. There's nothing wrong w/ fertility treatments. If your doctor thinks your body will respond well to the treatment and you're willing to give it a go...then go for it!

4. Adoption is beautiful. We're right now adopting two little ones from Ethiopia. (See how fostering affected me!) I haven't yet met my children, and I've only recently seen their pictures...but already, I'm falling in love w/ them. Memorizing every piece of the pictures. International Adoption isn't easy...often no path that leads to a child is bump free!

Good luck w/ your decision! I hope chose the right path for your family! :)

I responded to you earlier and remembered a great website with lots of information, www.fosterparents.com. Stop by there and you can read firsthand about fostering through message boards and articles. And also they offer training courses for a small fee that go toward your trainig hours that can be very helpful for busy families, if you decide to foster. You can always go to an informational meeting which may help some in your decision. Good luck in what ever you choose!

Hi S.! My oldest son was adopted thru foster care in Kentucky. The thing to keep in mind about foster care is that the goal is reunification with their birth parents - foster parents are there to help them while their parent(s) are trying to get themselve 'better'. Though our adoption was successful, it was a long journey (well worth it). When my husband and I started our journey with foster to adopt, we had no children. We tried to conceive on our own for 12 years. I could tell you many, many stories (we had over 23 foster cases), but my point would be that it is a very emotional, demanding, rewarding experience. If you are strictly wanting to adopt, then I would suggest Catholic social services or a private adoption - foster/adoptions are not guaranteed. If you are willing to take a child with special needs, there are a lot of children waiting to be adopted. I would not change any experience that we went thru - including when we had a newborn that we cared for who was in the hospital for a week before we brought him home and the day before the adoption process was to begin a family member came forward to 'claim' him. Not long after we became foster parents, I became pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby boy (now 2 1/2)! We continued to foster for a while, but it became too much and was confusing to our oldest. We decided for now, that our family comes first and our children need us. I hope this helps! Email me if you have any questions or want to talk! Good luck!

I know it can be hard but I would just go with a stright adoption. You will be helping a child either way. Our 29 year old is adopted and so are my husband and his brother. I know our older son would have been so hurt if his sister had been taken away because of a foster program. I know also my brother-in-law was in foster homes before he was adopted by my in-laws and he had a hard time adjusting even though he was only 3 1/2 when they first brought him home.
Good Luck and Pray about it. Ask God for the best answer for YOUR family
M.

We have a biological son and then adopted from foster care. You can pick and choose what sort of child you are looking for. We said any child younger than our son. We strictly went the adoption route. We chose a child whose rights with her biological mother was already terminated and she was in custody of her county. So there was no way she would leave if we chose to adopt her. At my church there are other families that have gone the foster to adopt route. Some, that were with them, they were able to adopt, some left their home. We recently updated our adoptive homestudy with the plans to do the same, to adopt again from foster care. There are so many loving children out there just waiting for loving parents. The choice to adopt is a big one. There's a lot of paperwork and some classes that have to be done to be certified. There's also an adjustment period just like having a second biological child, but with kids from foster care they also have the fear of moving to another home again, so it takes them awhile to really settle in and be comfortable in the new home. We've had our daughter for a year and a half and it just seems like she's always been here. She and our son have their moments but they also are the best of friends too. God Bless your adoption journey if you choose to take it.