Ok ladies, I really need some solid advice. 20 years ago I stole $60.00 from a friend who was driving me home from school. We were in our Senior year. I was in the back seat of her car and it was sticking out of her purse. I have no excuse as to why I did it. I know it was a horrible thing to do. From what I remember (have mommy brain so I don't remember a lot from that time) she accused me and I denied it. We always hung out with the same people and no one shut me out. I guess as a stupid, selfish kid in HS I wasn't ashamed or embarrased, cuz if I was I guess I couldn't have denied it so well. Anyway now I have 3 kids ages 4, 21/2, and 8 mos. I always tell my older kids that we have to be honest and tell the truth and not to intentionally hurt people. Well I CAN NOT get this incident out of my head! I feel so horrible and ashamed that nothing any one could say to me could even come close to how horrible I feel about myself!! So we are "friends" on Facebook, though we have never once communicated. I friended her. She accepted. This was almost 2 years ago. I guess my question is should I send her a message on FB and apologize to her for #1 stealing from her #2 lying about it. I would appreciate any advice. This has affected me more than I could ever imagine. What I did back then is not who I am as a person.
Hi ladies, thanks so much for all your responses! I was going to send her a private message on FB not post on her wall. But I will ask her for her phone number instead and include mine if she feels comfortable calling me. We were very close in HS. Always in the same circle of friends and bc I have felt so terrible over the years, not only now, it just hit me more now bc of my kids, I let all of my friendships from HS go, I do FB with some of them and have spoken to a few over the phone and of course they prob don't even remember. Some of you are right in saying it will make ME feel better and who knows how it will make her feel. The $60. was for her to get a trial hairstyle for the prom. So it wasn't taking food out of anyone's mouth for those of u concerned about that. Still not an excuse on my part. I will def keep u posted!!
I would personally call her & come clean, and then send her the money.
I wouldn't email or FB, because it's a cowardly way to admit to something like that, IMO. I'd have a lot more respect for you if you had the guts to call me & tell me to my face that you messed up & want to fix it.
Yes, definitely apologize. Even if you have to just do it on FB. (She might not want to give you her address or phone number.) She has probably been wondering all these years whether you stole her money or if she was crazy to accuse you.
I think once you apologize, you will feel 20 pounds lighter.
I reconnected with some old friends on FB. A couple of them were people that I had been mean to back in the day. I apologized for my behavior (one of them had no recollection of my meanness), and I felt so much better afterwards. They did too!
Confess (not on FB) AND send her the $60.
If you do NOT know her physical address and cannot find it anywhere, send her a FB message telling her you need her address (not what for) and then send a personal note apologizing for taking it, lying and how it has haunted you and include the 60 bucks.
Well.... 2 things:
1) I object to the $60. Just thinking back 20 years ago (and then actually looking up inflation rates) $60 = apx $120 - $200 these days (possibly more depending on what was being purchased with it. Food is apx 4x what it was in 86, as is gas). $60 just isn't a lot of money today. $200 to anyone, but a teen in particular isn't something to be sneezed at. $200 can feed a family for a couple weeks. I believe if you ARE going to pay it back, it should be not the amount you stole... but the value of what you stole. Just my 2 cents.
2) Who is it going to make feel better? Both of you, or just you? A REALLY vital rule in "making amends" is causing no more harm. Was that money for a prom dress she never got to buy, wages from work to help feed her family or pay bills, the difference between being on a team or not, ANYTHING that was immensely painful for her or her loved ones? Or was it 'no big deal' money? Do you know her well enough (now) to know if fessing up is going to hurt her a lot, or make her feel better, or be "Cool! Windfall money!"? Sometimes part of making a true amends (in my experience) is keeping my mouth *shut* and living with well deserved guilt in order not to hurt the person a second time. ((In such cases I try to 'pay it forward')). So I would personally think long and hard before doing something that would make ME feel better, if I have no idea how it would make THEM feel.
.
I totally agree with Dawn. Facebook is not the right way to do this. It is a social platform, and terribly impersonal for something like this. I think you should send her a letter and a money order, or check. Anything else would just be an impulse to get this off you conscience. It would be serving you more then her.
When you get it taken care of, let go and move on!! take that weight off your shoulders!
Yes, I think you should apologize for everything. Can you get her paypal address first (not telling her why other than you had something to send her). Then send her back the $60. Then send her a note telling her what you did, that your sorry for taking it and lying. You have to make it completely right - give her back the money, along with the apology. It'll mean a lot to both of you. Good for you for listening to your conscience!
I would make it right. You need to apolize to her plus give her the $60 with interest. I would do face to face. After that she might admire you that you stepped up to the plate or she might not want to talk to again. Regardless in your heart you know this the right thing to do.
Everyone can read what you say on Facebook. This is personal and should be private. It should also be done in person in your voice with your personality. Writing is just too impersonal. I also suggest you give her your phone number, via Facebooks new e-mail option and ask her to call you. Then apologize and go from there. You'll need her address to return the money plus interest. If she doesn't give it to you, that's OK, You've done your part.
Yep, absolutely tell her.
It might help give you closure.
~Don't beat yourself up about this any longer though...tell her, apologize and then move on sister! You are not alone. I think most of us, I know I did, lie at this stage of our lives for some reason or another.
I would apologize and also send her the money.
See what a good person you are? This has haunted you all this time and you still worry about it...
Anyone who is familiar with the 12-Step recovery process knows the importance of 'repairing' to the best of our abilities. This is easily an issue you can put to rest.
I ditto Denise...don't do anything public on FB. Ask for her mailing address. Send her a note of sincere apology and the $$ in either check or gift card. Don't send cash in the mail. Be on your way M. and be free from this.
I did something so similar my last week of HS over 30 years ago. There was a neighbor boy who had a crush on me for 3 years, and stupid me in moment of not thinking took off with his yearbook at a party. He asked if I had taken it and of course I lied and said no, he was so angry he just turned and walked away and never spoke to me again. I hid the year book in my mother's house and for all I know it's still there...but I have no idea where to send it....why do we do such idiotic things at that age, things that we regret?
Im late on this, but here's my 2 cents: it's never too late to do the right thing. I would mail her the money, and tell her that u don't know why u stole it & then lied, but you've always felt bad and embarrassed about it and u are sorry. Even if it only makes u feel better, who cares? Make yourself feel better. She most likely understands that we are more mature now than we were in highschool and will appreciate your honesty. And I also think it'd be fantastic if your kids found out and then did the right thing, even years later! It will show hat it is only human to make mistakes, and always good to correct them instead of hide from them. It's what will make u eel good! The outcome will probably be better than u r expecting :) So remember these two things: it's never too late to do the right thing, and, always do the right thing, even when no one is looking ;) ...and no, I don't claim to be perfect AT ALL! But I do try my best to live by those words :)
Oh call her for sure! Email or Facebook is so impersonal for things like this. I HATE when someone wants to share via email or FB, I think they are afraid to handle things like a grown up and pick up a phone or set up a lunch/dinner date to work through and issue. But you certainly could ask her for her number or give her yours and ask her to call when she has a chance bc you really would like to talk to her. If she doesn't give you the number or call you, let it go, you did your part to reach out. Do what you can to try and make amends and hopefully you will get to talk it out. I shared some personal information about a friend like 7 yrs ago or so. It was eating away at me bc I just should have kept my mouth shut. I called her up and told her and said I was sorry. She was so impressed that I actually cared enough to tell and apologize, our friendship was revived and we are closer now than we were. You never know how someone will react when you do the right thing but I think you owe them the chance to have their reaction and take the heat if it is not favorable as you were in the wrong. I think you will feel so much better after getting it off your chest or at least trying to. Good luck, I know how bad it can feel to need to straighten something out that is a burden. What I do is ask God to forgive me, forgive myself and then go to the person. Wish you the best and I think it is great you are ready to deal with this :D
I am now good friends with someone I am pretty certain stole my new shirt during gym class when I was in 8th grade. She left gym class early that day and she wore the shirt a short time later which was my size (I checked) but too small on her. She denied it. Now 20 years later we reconnected and I consider her a good friend. Clearly none of us are the same person we were 20 years ago. It really does not matter to me at this point if she stole it, we have all grown up. I respectfully disagree with the other posters with the exception of Riley J. Just let it go.
Hi M.,
Well, it looks like you got lots of good advice. Here's my two cents. 45 years ago I shoplifted a cashmere sweater from Saks 5th Ave. Kids+shoplifting... kind of go together, no? Well, I had my engagement photo taken in that sweater, so I see it occasionally and always regret the incident. I can't return the sweater, but you can return the $60. If it were my situation, I would FB her, admit to the theft and mail her the $60. You will finally have closure and if she decides not to be your friend after you admit your theft, which I doubt, so be it. You will be mentally/emotionally free of the whole thing and the relief will be sufficient.
"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA
Yes, I think you should as well as pay her back. Is there anyway to contact her other than through FB though?
When your children are old enough to understand, maybe tell them also. Let them know how much it has affected you so they can learn from your mistake.
Good luck and God bless.
Since the money was for a haircut, maybe you could give her a gift card to her favorite salon for the cost of a haircut and style in today's cost.
First off, if she's someone you don't even talk to, I doubt she'd give you her phone number and address. I know I would not give out either unless it was to someone I was in contact with and wanted physically in my life. And while posting on someone's WALL on FB is public you can send a personal message.
But I wouldn't. YOU are doing this to make yourself feel better. Not her. This has little to do with her, and mroe to do with your own actions. You can just as easily make yourself feel better by doing something good, like donate the $60 to something like breast cancer research, or whatever cause you believe in, use it to help someone. Or donate a day or two of your time to charity.
How is telling her going to benefit her in any way? While yes "extra" money is always appreciated, frankly I'd be insulted if someone mailed me $60 they took 20 years ago. If you MUST make yourself feel better by telling her, I'd do in in a sincere note, and since you do not have her physical address, an email through FB - the only means you have of contacting her would be fine.
Just really think about it, I feel that you are being selfish brining this up so that you feel better. Just like the 12 step programs. You are confessing, to make YOURSELF better, most of the time NOT to better the other person's life. If it wont benefit them, why do it?
Most likely she has forgotten the incident, so there is no reason for dredging it up again and re-establishing those ill feelings. To clear your conscience, I would suggest writing her an apology on paper, and getting out all of your feelings, BUT DON'T MAIL IT TO HER. Just getting it out on paper should help relieve your guilty feelings, and if she even does bring up the matter, you can sent the letter to her then.
And don't beat yourself up over it. Most of us were pretty stupid in high school!!!
I'm shocked anyone would say not to apologize and send the money. Even if her reaction is not good... you did the right thing and kept your side of the street clean and you can move forward with a clear conscience!
It's never too late to right a wrong. :-)
Do NOT tell her! You do NOT know how she will react or what can of worms you may open. It most likely will only make you BOTH feel WORSE! Instead, donate $60 to a charity of your choice. Go donate your own blood to the Red Cross. Every blood donation saves up to 3 lives! Do good, make amends with yourself, raise your children the right away. It sounds like you're already doing most of that. Keep it up! You've learned well from your mistake. If you fess up to your friend and things go wrong, your children may ultimately find out about what you did and then, no matter how you try to explain it, your children will no longer have the role model they need!
If this incident is eating at you, fess up. Send her a message on FB, tell her that you did it, apologize once, and leave it at that. At this point you are telling her to clear the air with yourself, not her. You need to clear your conscience so you can get over this incident, put it behind you and move on. Obviously, this is solely my opinion. Good Luck!!
Talk to her and confess. It's the right thing to do and you will feel better afterwards. But don't email or FB. Call her. Not only is it more personal, but you can ask for her forgiveness and get a response right away. Plus, it's safer if nothing is in writing. Just in case things don't go well, an email or written letter could come back to haunt you.
Get her address, send her the money, and include a letter of apology.
