What to Do About My Sad Son?

Find something that interests him like music, art or sports, and support his exploration. He may feel good about something he has control of. I recently read an article about childhood depression. If you think it's more than just being sad, get professional help. In the meantime, he needs to find a posative way to express his saddness: a gymnastics class, drawing, or drumming or just running! Plus, it will help him focus on something good! I know a caring mom like you can help him get through this. I hope this helps.

You might need a professional to help with him. It sounds like he has had a lot to deal with and at 5 years old, he doesn't have any experience to fall back on so he has no idea what to feel or why he's feeling how he is. Talk to his doctor about it and he/she can recommend a place that deals with children. This is something that could get very serious as he gets older if he doesn't learn how to deal with it now.

What a hard time for your little guy. If it were me, I would focus on everything positive and try to minimize anything negative.

Spend quality time with your little guy. One on one time with you doing things he enjoys is the best medicine. Let him pick some at-home evening activities like family game night, family movie night, family baking night, family camp out in the living room night...whatever makes him feel like the three of you are a family together. Be willing to be silly and frolick with your kids, laughter will bind you together.

Don't talk badly about dad, money issues, custody issues, etc. He is too young to understand or deal with the complexity of those problems. Focus on how he can spend time with you and he can spend time with dad. Isn't that great?!

Set boundries. It would be tempting to make him happy by overindulging him, but long term that creates more problems than it solves. Happiness comes from being with those you love, not from watching TV, owning things, or having a messy room.

Books! Anytime I have to introduce my kids to something new, I run to the library and get books on the topic. Make sure you read them ahead of time so they communicate the message you're trying to get across. We've dealt with death, dentitists, vaccinations, financial hardship, and me returning to work through reading. Just make sure it is only an occassional book on the topic, otherwise you'll drag the little guy down. Read a few fun books, then one that talks about a changing family, then another couple silly ones. That way it appears that it is just part of life to be taken in stride.

Life is such a grand adventure! Focus on the adventure and downplay the difficulties until he is old enough to understand them. Good luck! Keep your chin up and it will help your son do the same.

M.

It breaks my heart to hear about all the trauma going on in your little guy's life. I'm glad you're trying to get him help. I am a child of divorce and it's a pain that sticks with you for the rest of your life (my parents divorced when I was 4 or so and I'm now 35). Oprah has had 2 really good specials about the effects of divorce on children in the past 6 months...I'd suggest ordering the transcripts for those shows for ideas/books to read. In the meantime, he needs counseling...and I'm guessing that you and your ex will have to participate, even all 3 of you together at times. It's VERY important that your child knows he's the most important thing to both of you and that he knows he can talk to either of you about his feelings. If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, don't take that for an answer...he's got to talk. Keeping it all inside isn't good for him. Please talk to your ex about this...and make sure that he spends alone time with his son...they need special outings together along at least once/week. Good luck.

First of all, I have such respect for single moms! You must be going through alot right now but you still are so in tune to your son. The parenting class sounds like the right way to go but I bet he would benefit from some counseling. Can you get him to see a counselor? I would think a church would have something like that for free. You also could ask a pediatrician or family Dr. to refer you somewhere.
Five is such a tender age and you are all going through alot. I feel like I could cry, I con't imagine what you must feel! I will be praying for you. I belive that God has such love and mercy for lost little boys- and their families:)
Blessings! -Anne

why did you have to get rid of the dog? I am not saying a dog would fix everything and I don't know the whole situation,. But it sounds like he needs something of his own to recieve a new outlet of unconditional love. We as mother's want to be able to fix everything, but we can't he needs to work through these feelings, but in a more constructive way. If not an animal, maybe a special project that is all his own. like painting or coloring or something like that something to make him proud of himself and believe in himself. cause all he is thinking right now is everyone is leaving me and they don't love me anymore. when that's probably not the case just everyone his having odd situations go on all at the same time. also sit down and talk to your ex and tell him what this is doing to the child if he is any kind of man he will buck up and do whats best for the child. hope this helps...if not maybe your son may need to see a professional if it gets worse

Get counseling for him and for you dear. What you BOTH are going through is tough, but for him is tougher because he doesn't understand adults. Don't wait for this. I'm sure it is really hard to watch him feel this way and you'd gladly take the pain from him!! So do the very best and get him in to some family counseling.

I am so sorry about yours and your little boys pain. 35 years ago I was in a similar situation except reversed. Both of our spouses left, leaving the children to us. We met and married, combining his two children and my 3 into one family. His son was 6 at the time and his mother told him it was "all his fault". I loved that little boy so much. He was open to councelling but his father was opposed. He also was very abusive to the lad. He was in a mental hospital twice as a teenager and at the age of 22 he hanged himself. Do anything you can to see that he gets councelling, do fun things together, and remind him that even tho he is sad about this, it will get better and that you will love him through this no matter what.

Possibly a cat, if you can or the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program? My daughter was 6 when I seperated with her dad. Beans the cat was a Godsend!

I'm sorry for all that you've had to go through this last year as well. Counseling would probably be a good idea, maybe even for both of you.

I also have a book that may help. It is truly the best parenting book that I've ever read. It's called, "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It talks about how to get to the deepest part of what your child is feeling - and what you can do about what is there. It's an amazing book.
J.

Since he has had to endure these changes it will be extra important to have a schedule or routine in place. He needs to feel safe and secure within the relationships that he has in his life. Set aside time especially for "mommy and son time." Also, be sure to have a family game night, or cook dinner together, and give him small jobs to help build his self-esteem.

And, keep in mind that you can only control your actions and don't waste energy worry about the choices his father is making. Just do what you can to make your children's time with you happy. Your son will not fully understand everything he is going through right now, but when he is older he will appreciate the fact that you were there for him, you didn't say bad things about his father and you spent quality time with him.

Hang in there the first year or so is the hardest to process and accept. Don't forget to SMILE and tell him you love him everyday :)

Counseling is a must. Get your boy some sort of small pet if you aren't able to have a dog... a hamster, a bird, something he can pet and hold. Best of luck. I wish the best for your fmaily.

Hi C.! First off I want to thank you for coming to Mamasource, and for being such a caring, dedicated mother! That is hard hard stuff to go through. One of my friends is going through something very similar, and I know her five year old son goes to a child counselor. I am not an expert and have no professional advice, but rather comes from the heart. Do you have friends who can be with you, and your kids? Do you have a trusted source who can be with your children while you get breaks every once in a while? It's admirable that you try to keep your personal feelings about his father private, but I believe kids pick up on a lot of nonverbal vibes. If you're sad too, he will pick up on that. It's important to take care of yourself too so you can be the best comfort to them. Let him know that he is not the reason for the split, or if you're sad. And reassure him that you will always be there for him, as maybe he's feeling lost in all the changes? I wish I knew more or could help more...just know we'll be keeping you in our thoughts! I hope you find the help you need, and keep us posted. <3

There is a book, Helping your kids cope with divorce, the sandcastles way by M. Gary Neuman. Get it and read it, it will help. It tells of different ages of kids and how to help them. There are activites in it to do. It was recommended to me for my 5 year old. Good luck and hugs to your little boy.

Help him talk through his feelings. He is very sad and for good reasons it sounds like. It seems natural he would feel this way. Spend a lot of time with him, be active and surround him with others. He would benefit from a support group too. Have him write letters to these people, dog etc..

Hi C.!
I'm sorry about you situation because your whole family has been effected by the security of mom and dad being together-and now they're not! It does a toll on everyone. Your son is deeply sad because of what he had before is not the same and he IS very anger too. I think it is very important that you do an honest conversation with him and let him know that you would like to share your feelings with him and would like him to share his feelings with you. You can throw out a couple of ideas of what you think is making him sad and then this might open up the door for him to feel safe to honestly talk to you. Being five he may not really know what he's feeling and why but whatever it is you need to let him know that IT IS OK to feel that way. We should never deny anyone to have their feelings put down or not listened to. IT IS THEIR REAL FEELINGS AND THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO HAVE SOME ELSE TO REALLY LISTEN AND CARE ABOUT THEM!!! ASk him what he thinks would be good ideas to help him understand his feelings and maybe make different choices of what he's doing right now to make things better. Please DO NOT make bad comments about you ex that really confuses the situation. If the ex is doing that it's NOT about you and your child will know the truth and it's about the ex. As your child gets older he will form his own opinion of his father by what he says about you. Let him dig his own grave with his son!!! Let your guy know that he's the most important person in your life and that you're so grateful that he is your son! C.

Hi C.,

First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am a divorced mom of two. I have been divorced for almost 2 yrs, and my kids are now 17 and 20. I am currently dating someone who has a 10 year old son who has gone through a lot of crazy stuff with his mom. My boyfriend and his son have been attending a Divorce Care Class through our church for the past 3 years, and it definetely helps. I think you will notice a change in April when you and your son start attending the class. It will help you get through the bad days as well. My boyfriend and I are firm believers that when dating, you protect the kids until you know the person you're with is someone special. It sounds like your ex is a little selfish. I go through the same with my ex, and although my kids are older, they still feel left out a lot. I still get upset, because when your children are hurting, we are hurting too. The best advice I can give is to go to the classes in April and possibly take your son to a child psychologist, someone who can talk to him at his level and is also impartial to the situation.

Hope this helps...
D.

If your ex is saying negative things about you, all his legal rights can be revoked based on "alienation of affection". So, you could let him know that.

Really, though, you don't want it to come to that because your son really needs his dad in his life. For your ex, though, knowing that he could lose his son might motivate him to a more positive interaction.

I am 24 and have a three year old daughter. I understand how difficult it can be to explain to your kids why mommy and daddy are not together. I also come from a family whos parents are divorced and I can say that I have noticed it tends to be a little more difficult on the older children. My best advice would be to sit down and talk to both of them. Remind them as many times as you need to that none of these changes were their faults. I am not sure how your relationship with your ex is but I know that you should Never bad mouth your ex anywhere around your kids. If he is doing this I would try to have as civil a conversation as possible with him about how it is affecting the children. Dont make it about you at all. Keep it strictly about the children, but dont accuse him. Just make sure to think about what you want to say and remain calm during the conversation. I know this can be very difficult, but it is so important. My parents talked horribly about each other in front of me and I grew up resenting them for it. It still happens today. Also maybe think about having your son join a team or something fun for him. We just joined the YMCA and my daughter is so excited to start soccer in the spring. This will give him something constructive to focus on. If possible maybe let his father know when he has games. This will help him see that both his parents are still going to be there for him even if they are not together. I hope this helps. If you have any other questions let me know. I have had a lot of practice in this area! Best wishes. ____@____.com

This is a hard time for all of you. I have been in your shoes so this I know. My children were younger when their father left and started over. They were 3 and NB, but this doesn't really go away completely. When you think it's gone it comes up in another way. My kids are now 9 and 6. My 9-year old son has been in counselling. This gives him a safe place to let his feelings be known without "hurting mom's feelings". The counselor keeps you in the loop though. I know a great one - and we've done a couple different ones before we found "the one".

My 9-year old is doing well but now my 6 year old daughter that knows no other way of life will probably begin questioning things because she just started school and their are "families" there. That is about the time my son started.

You could try talking to your ex to try and make him see the damage he is doing to the children through his actions but that will take time and frustration. So that leaves you. Love them all you can. Make them feel special and unique. Tell them it's okay even when you don't feel it is - it will raise your spirits too. Allow the children to tell you anything and keep your poker face on so they will continue to talk to you in the future. Keep your friends close to confide in and keep you sane.

A small something to care for and cuddle may help him also.

Life gets easier trust in that. I remarried a couple years ago and now have 4 children that are all precious to me, but that comes with it's own joys and sorrows. Hold strong, good luck and contact me if you need support.

L. V

There is a lady in Emmett who I think could really help your son. She uses a technique called EFT or emotional freedom technique. She is also an intuitive and can tune in to what he is feeling, so even if he can't express it or even know what he's feeling, she can get to the core of it. Then with the tapping technique, she is able to clear the emotions/feelings that are troubling him. He could probably be helped with just one session. I have gone to her, my daughter has gone to her, my mom and sister all have gone to her. We all went for different reasons and all were helped. My mom and sister had both been to lengthy therapy about some issues that happened in our family and thought they had resolved them. But my mom couldn't talk about it still without crying, and my sister was having anxiety problems. After just one session with her, they both cleared these emotions that have been there for 25 years and my sister's anxiety problems are gone, and my mom can finally talk about it without crying. Her website is cadencehealing.com. Good luck.

I would find a good psychologist that will help your son work through his 'grief'. That's alot of changes for a young child to go through. I believe his sadness and anger are outward expressions of how he is feeling inside. I went with my son to a psychologist over some anxiety/depression/OCD issues and the psychologist allowed me to be in the room with my son during the visits. I appreciated this because I wanted to know what he was telling my son to do about how he was thinking and feeling. As a parent, you want to be the main guide in your childs life. It helped my son to get some outside help and guidance from a third party who was not directly involved with our situation. My son is doing great now. Good luck.

Dear C., I raised my 2 children alone, and that was almost 30 years ago now that I was divorced. The most imporant thing I learned was the importance of extended family. If you have family nearby, and if you feel they are a positive influence, build on that! If you can get him involved with other children who have loving family environments it will help both of you. Taking care of yourself in a loving way is essential to your future thinking. Hope and empowerment need constant, daily affirmation. You can read books from the library, maybe find a group of moms who support one another. I feel the worst thing to do is to isolate yourself and feel that you too have lost everything. I was alone for 25 years (as in not married), but I had a network of people that gradually helped me rebuild my confidence and therefore my children's well-being. Our environment is everything to our children, offer beautiful music (I'm also a piano teacher), good story time, quality attention and listening to your child. Your son is at an important developmental stage of empathy and feeling how others might feel. So, part of what he's experiencing is natural. I have lots of books you might be interested in, email me so I now what other concerns or interests you have and I can suggest some titles. Hang in there because you are never really alone. L. A

C., First, TALK to your "ex" The two of you have many years to communicate when it comes to your children. Explain how your son is feeling. Make an agreement that is best for the children, only positive statements are to be spoken in front of the children. (don't throw verbal darts) If speaking is hard, write it to him, keep a copy for yourself, if the negative comments continue let him know you will go to friend of the court and change the custody agreement, because he is doing emotional damage to the children. He should be doing the divorce and children counseling also!
Second, Go to your library, find books for children and divorce.for you and your children. Next, find joke books, start telling silly jokes, several times a day. Get silly books, "Walter the farting dog", "Monster Valentines"...
ask the librarian for funny books, find a way to bring some fun in every day!
Third, (This might sound crazy) buy a punching bag, bopping bag... bring it home and use it, all of you. Put a big D on it, it will help let out all the anger and frustration!
I have been thru a divorce with small children, and have been thru it with many children in my childcare. Find a way to let the negative feelings out and bring more joy.
Keep your son talking, work it out with your ex, YOU are WOMAN, and you are strong, YOU can do it! K.

There are many other things that really could help you out too. If he is in school, ask if they have a mentor program, or to be able to talk with the counsilor. There is also Big Brother/Big Sister program. Ask your doctor if there is a support group for kids of divorce in your area. If you know what things he loves to do, try to get him involved in that stuff outside the home too, like sports or art or reading program. And dont be afraid to talk to him about things, like how this all makes you feel and if you are sad, mad, and so on. Dont blame the dad or whatever, just leave it to feelings. By opening up to him, he will eventually open up more to you and help you find out what the underlining problem is and get a solution that works out. Good Luck, I wish you both the best.

I sure know what that's like. I had a nephew who lived with us for two years, and he was so sad about his mother and dad divorcing. Get a dog and a cat. Fill his life with love and touch; watch videos with him and cuddle up on the couch. Check out funny old movies, with happy endings. Be happy yourself. Smile, relax, try not to worry! It's not your fault, but you do have a responsibility to yourself and your children to be happy.

Hi C.! The best advice i can give you is to have as much stability as possible!! With everything that has gone on, he probably is afraid and unsure of what will happen next. He needs a sense of security. Also spend as much extra time with him as you can, and have as much fun as possible. He needs to see you having fun as well, to understand that even when change happens, life still goes on. This will also help him to trust you more or again. The class also sounds like it might be a good idea!! Just let your son know that you will always be there for him no matter what!!!!

You seem to be doing the right things for him. When my kids have issues that i'm not sure how to deal with or what the best route would be for them, I call their pediatrician. Their doctor has great advice and has many many resources that will be beneficial to you and your family.

I've been there - my son is now 16 and his dad passed away but he still hasn't gotten over it. I think the most important thing is that parents do not say bad things about each other in front of their kids. My sons's dad did that. The courts are very strong on this issue also and I believe they will support your efforts to get dad to stop saying those things. Also if you can find male support your son that would be a big help. There are things I just can't be for my son and one of them is to be a dad.

Wishing you both the best!

C., It sounds like you are doing the right thing by asking for help and getting signed up for a class. That means you are paying attention to your childs needs. Make sure you never say anything bad about his father to him no matter how angry you get with his father. It could make your child feel caught in between. Try to find games and crafts that your son would be interested. Keep his mind occupied so it cannot drift off into depression land. If you keep him busy and overwhelm him with love..give more hugs and kisses. If you have a different craft of game planned with him he will have something to look forward to. Also, if you are baking something or cooking something let him help. (Crack and egg or stir) It will all make him feel needed. Ask him how he is feeling and if he doesn't want to share with him...maybe buy him one of those little recorders that he can talk into to record his feeling. (He might be too little for that) But, if he is showing you anger wait calmly and once the peak of his rage is lower...ask him why he is so angry and ask him to use words so "MOMMY" can understand. I hope that helps a little. S. www.Parentswithstyle.blogspot.com

Wow, I am very sad for you and your son. He has been through a lot of loss and definitely needs some help. With all he has gone through, he has a lot to be angry and sad about. Do you belong to a church? Could your pastor/minister/priest help? Do you have any money available for counseling? The parenting class you are going to take sounds great but tough to have to wait until April. You are right to be concerned now. I wonder if you might get any good info if you just try Googling "helping a child with loss". Have you talked with your ex-husband about the problem? (although doesn't sound like he will be too receptive) Is there anyone else in the family that your ex would listen to? If your ex is doing what you think he is doing, it is very harmful.
I am 46 years old and my parents divorced when I was 16. To this day, I am still sad about the breakup of my family. It is a very painful thing and you need some professional help for your son. Are there any non-profit groups in your area that could help you? Maybe your local United Way could find a group.
In the meantime, keep reassuring your son of how much you love him and just validate his feelings. Best of luck to you.

Hi C.,
It is so hard on the little ones when there is so much going on in their lives like your little 5 yr old. I was a single parent for most of my kids' lives. Their dad just plain didn't want anything to do with any of us. So I never had to put my kids through what your little 5 yr old is going through. I did have my kids in counselling though after the divorce and they were a bit older because they started asking me questions like what is a dad? do I have one? why don't he love me and come and see me type questions and I was so sad for them because I didn't know what to say to them because even though I had a bad taste for their father I didn't want them to get that from me. They are both adults now and have families of their own and still he don't make the effort to contact them unless he is going to go into major surgery on his heart then he calls them. Anyway maybe Counseling could help your little 5 yr old. They really do amazing things to get the kids to open up and help them to deal with what is going on inside them.

We as adults sometimes don't understand what is going on and how to handle it, imagine a 5 yr old he has no clue on what to do or even begin to understand what is going on.

Good Luck C.
Keep us posted on how he is doing please.
Blessings
L.

They have support groups for kids who are going through what you and your son are going through, look into something for him also, I am sorry that he is so sad, it is so painful when children hurt because of adult choices they just don't understand, be there, be present, be reassuring, and give him lots of love, thats really all we can do as parents. I don't have anything more but good luck, I hope it works out!

Are you a stay at home mom? and what was the reason for 'getting rid' of the dog? If you can still have dogs where you are a puppy, if you can stay at home, or older house trained dog, might help bring him around. You could make a big deal of what a big boy he would be to help take care of the dog/puppy and if he wanted to sleep with it, so what? A good pre-school is another outlet for your son to 'get away.' Our children are only a smaller version of ourselves, and I am sure he picks up on some of your vibes, even tho you don't think you are giving out any. Just like we need to 'get away' our kids need a break from us too. If pre-school is not an option and you can't afford day-care for a day or two, how about play-dates with other young families in the area?, the library for childrens reading hours?, anything that can be his own and give him something positive to look forward to. Try not to bitter about your ex around your son, it will only confuse him and you don't need to go to his level, you are better than that. Please keep your parenting group appointment, you will meet other young people in the same boat you are and may not feel so alone. I hope something I have said will help you in some way. C. Sue

So sorry that your little five year old son is so sad. First of all, some questions: Is he involved in pre-school? Does he have any playmates?
If pre-school is not an option, it would be good to make some play dates with children of his own age two or three times a week. Meet some other mothers and children at a park or inside play area so they can be supervised. Invite some of his friends for an overnight. Get him thinking about many happy things.
Read many books to him. Bibliotherapy works very well with many children. Find some at the library about parents separated so that he knows that this happens in many families. Then read lots of happy books to him.

Make sure that he can ask you questions, and then answer them truthfully to the best of your ability, about his dad etc.
Teach him to play many games: card games; tic, tac, toe for example. Praise him as he learns new skills with these games or letter or number recognition.
JO

A little about me: I am a newly retired elementary teacher of 23 years. I raised four children of my own, always a challenge.

HI C.,

One thing I know from my life of changes is that my kids respond directly to my inner feelings. You haven't mentioned your own feelings about all these changes, but I wonder how YOU are doing? Remember to take good care of yourself, and give yourself the space to do things that make you happy, exercise, eat well, surround yourself with people and things you love. When your kids experience a bright and confident mom, their world is sunshine, no matter what the weather is outside. This shall pass. Good luck!