How Do You Tell Young Children You're Divorcing

I agree with a previous poster - you can't afford counseling, but you can afford a divorce? There is sliding scale counseling all over the place, you just have to know where to look, and put the effort into finding the most affordable option for you. It sounds like you might still have hope that things will get better. I'm sorry, but I think until every option is exhausted, only then, should divorce be on the table.

I began my divorce process right before my daughter turned 2 so I don't think she knew really what was happening. For her, she'll always remember her dad not living with her and probably won't remember the time when he was here, which is how I imagine it will be for your 27 mo old. For the 7 year old though, it will probably be a lot harder to handle. All I can say, and what you probably already know, is to make sure your kids know it's not their fault, that you both love them and nothing will ever change that. If it's going to be an amicable divorce, then perhaps you guys could still do a "family night" where you all go out to dinner together or something. My divorce was really nasty but I put aside the horrible things my ex did so that the three of us could still spend time together. Also, even though you won't be married anymore, you will still be co-parenting, so make sure you guys are on board with each other about the rules. Don't let one parent be the "cool" parent while the other is the disciplinarian. Important decisions should still be made together and your kids need to know that. Probably most important, do not drag your kids into the divorce. Even if things are on good terms now, they can get really ugly really fast, so just make sure the children do not become pawns. Neither of you should talk bad about the other to them or even in front of them. Don't use them to relay messages. Let their time with the other parent be enjoyable. Don't make them feel guilty if the enjoy being with the pther parent. It sounds like you already know all this, but like I said, even the best divorces can go bad. I think it's a really good sign that your first concern is your children. Good luck with everything!!

My brother was 2,and I was 6 when our parents divorced. My mother actually took me to a beach house for the weekend, so that my dad could pack up his things at our house. She told me there that things would be different when we came back home. She explained that my dad would not be living with us anymore, that he will be living in his own home, and we would be living with her in ours. She said that we would see our father whenever we wanted. She basically explained that we would always be a family, however, they would not be married anymore.

At 6, you can't really process everything all at once. It was difficult to understand, however, my mother explained it the best way she knew how. I was always a very sensitive child, and new something was off with them.

Anyways, don't think that your son doesn't know what is going on, either. Kids are very intuitive, and observe things well enough. It's best to explain everything to them as best you can , and to not leave them in the dark. They will start to think it is all their fault, and grow up very confused, as well as have behavioral issues.

I would suggest finding a child psychologist during the transition period. Having someone talk to them, as well as you will be beneficial. It will keep them from feeling neglected, in the dark, and that their feelings matter. having someone they can talk to, trust, and know that they aren't the reason why this is going on, is just so important. In my opinion, you and your husband decided to change your family, not your children. Your decision will effect them long term. It would be extremely selfish on your end to not provide a service to your kids during this time. I am sure any place would also offer financial assistance if needed.

I say this as a person who came from a divorced family. It was not an easy thing to go through, and you never really get over your family being different. Sure you move on, they move on with other people, but it changes you. It also is worse when the children are younger, because they don't understand it enough to process and deal with it. It changes their character, personality, and their views about relationships in general.

Does your son have peers at school who's parents are divorced? Perhaps say something like "Ya know how Joey lives with his mom sometimes and with his dad sometimes? Do you know why? (see if he says the word divorce). Sometimes parents just don't agree on things and can't get along. They can try really hard to make it work, but the adults just can't live together anymore and be happy together...... Well that's what's happening with your dad and me. We aren't getting along and so we're going to get divorced, which means we wont be married anymore. We'll still be your parents. We'll still take good care of you. We love you very much. You will get to stay at your school with your friends. It's just that Dad will live _ and I will live _ and you'll get to have two houses. Do you have any questions?"

Make sure you emphasize that it's not HIM that's causing the divorce. Make sure you give him an opportunity to ask whatever he wants. He may worry about where his video games will go or what will happen to his dog.

I was going to suggest a book, maybe, for the little one. It may help the older one too. Wish I knew of a good one. Check out your local library and see what they have (keyword "divorce" call number "Juvenile" or "Easy", then read reviews of those books online at amazon.com . Read the book, then ask if he understands what was going on in the book, then say your little speech about what's going to happen. Or buy a book so that your son can refer back to it if you think he'll want to read it again and again.

So sorry for this upcoming divorce. I hope that all goes smoothly.

Just make sure they know it isn't their fault.

My whole divorce was traumatic, I mostly did damage control so I don't think what I said will help in your situation.

Here there is a program called kids in the middle. It is a needs based fee schedule because they don't want someone to not come because they don't have enough money. Maybe look into what programs they have there. :)

I agree with the last few posts. You haven't indicated the length that you have gone through to attempt to save the marriage, but know that both children will experience the divorce...not just your older child. From the smallest of babies to adults who experience their parents divorcing, all kids can understand to some degree what is going on. My heart hurts for your children. As Linda said, at some point you loved each other enough to have not one, but 2 children together so you chose at that time to make the decision to provide a home for them that would include both of you. Please consider counseling and working at it for your sake as well as theirs...the decisions you make today will influence who your children become! Good luck with everything and hang in there. If you do follow through with the divorce, check into a program called divorce care at a local church, there is also divorce care for kids - they are wonderful programs in helping you and your children cope with the effects of divorce.

Can't afford counseling? Divorce is pretty expensive!
I would advise finding a church where you could get some counseling.
You must have loved each other once, you made two children together.
In my experience, couples who divorce are not any happier in the next five years, if ever. If there is any chance to "stay together" you should explore it.
Best of luck to you, either way.

Over 65% of divorces are from low-conflict marriages like yours. There are no major deal breakers going on, just the couples feel because there are conflicts and arguments going on that it is time to end the marriage. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to tell the kids and even worse, the kids are the ones that will pay the price for the divorce far into the future, including in their own relationships some day. I know because I subjected my son to the same situation. He was older when we divorced and could see the strife, but the way I handled it by running from conflict did not teach him how to handle conflict well himself. He now does what I did. I since have taken classes on conflict management and communication techniques that would have saved our marriage! I also learned that had I been patient and persistent in sticking it out through the difficult times, my marriage would have grown and become much closer. I just gave up too easily. Now, I don't advocate those who are in abusive relationships or in ones that have major issues such as drug or alcohol dependencies to always stick it out. I recommend everyone at least try counseling first and some good marriage education classes like those taught at Marriage Works! Ohio. That's where I received this life-altering information. As long as one of you wants to make the relationship work, it's not too late to start using the healthier communication and conflict-resolution skills to turn it around. You will actually will come to appreciate the times where you disagree because they will become the times when you grow closer together as a couple by making it through the storms of life together.

Good luck.

I agree with Linda - find counseling through a church or community service, Catholic Charities or other non-profit. It is likely your marriage can be saved if both of you are willing to work at it, and it would be so much better for your kids if you stay married. Please consider it.