Seeking Moms' Advice

In my opinion, there isnt anything wrong with what is going on. Is this one girlfriend? Or are there a parade of them?
A tee shirt and playing cards are hardly something to get alarmed about! As long as he comes home happy I dont see the problem.

Hi K.,
It sounds like your intuition is telling you not to trust your husband too much with your son. You should follow your gut. You can establish boundaries between your son and your ex such as specific times that they are together - start and finish times. No over-nighters, and required itineraries from your ex. You can stipulate that you will not allow them to have time together unless he complies.

Or, you could start going along on these trips, something of a supervised visit. If you stayed in the background and could handle seeing the other women without having your son see any negative feelings, this may be one way to evaluate how your ex is doing with his decisions.

I think it is unreasonable to think that you can control when your husband introduces his "friends" to your son. Your first 3 questions sound like that's what you're considering doing, but how can you enforce that?

I don't see any harm in small gifts such as cards, etc. from girlfriends. Perhaps your son's discomfort is your reaction to these other women.

There are only so many things that are directly in your control. But one of them is your relationship with your son. If you choose to have open discussions with your son on your feelings about his father and his father's girlfriends, this may ease your son's mind a bit. Of course, you want to be truthful but not negative about your ex, so that you allow your son to continue his relationship with his dad and to draw his own conclusions.

Your son is depending on you to continue to make good judgements in his behalf, to keep him safe. Establishing and maintaining boundaries with your ex may be difficult for you to do, but your son will reap the rewards in the long run.

Good luck,
Ksthy

Hi K.,
Regarding suggesting advice on introducing kids to girlfriends/boyfriends. I think it is best to hold off on introducing minors to girlfriends/boyfriends until it is getting serious. As a minor child they have enough to deal with than to get attached to a girlfriend/boyfriend and it complicates things. Your child shouldn't have the extra pressure of worrying about seeing that person again or whether they are treating you a certain way, etc. When the relationship is at a point to consider a commitment such as marriage then the kids need to be involved and it allows them to gain a bond with someone that will be around hopefully forever if its the right person but of course it all takes time, there shouldn't be any rush. As for introducing eachother to ex's significant other, well I think it is appropriate when it is serious. You will not be able to control your ex, only what you do and what you allow since you have complete custody. If you feel he is overstepping the boundaries by exposing your child to all these women then you should probably set up time with him to visit with your child without these women around for your child's sake - he can do that on his own time. Lastly, regarding your concern about gifts, I don't see the problem with him accepting them. It's important that he doesn't feel like he is hurting you by accepting them. I'm sure he accepts the gift to be polite and he feels really confused. He probably really just needs reassurance from you that he can just be himself, accept the gift if he chooses but it doesn't affect how you feel. (even if it does, he needs to know that mom is okay) It sounds like your ex may be trying to get you jealous or play games, but refuse to get wrapped up in his lack of good judgement. What is important is that your son feel secure and have consistency with you and your actions. If his dad is being inappropriate, set guidelines with him to ensure your son isn't dealing with more than he should at his age.

Hi K.,

I feel that the gifts should be something that dad handles a bit more tactfully, like maybe asking his "friends" to not buy anything until there is an established period of being in the picture. He should avoid placing pressure on his son to accept gifts. And dad should hold off on bringing these women around. Unless he's serious and has a steady "friend" ,what does he think he is teaching your young son? When I divorced, my only boyfriend( now my husband) wasn't introduced to my girls until we were 3 months into dating. Out of respect for our children , My ex did the same and actually had his visits w/ the kids at a mutaul friends house for a while, because he lived w/ this woman early on, and didn't want to hurt the kids. This may be a bit extreme to some, but I have many friends who have had the opposite sex in and out of the picture while the children aren't considered when they break up, confuse the kids w/ mixed feelings of why does mom/dad have so and so one week and whoknows who the next? My 13 yr old god son has the impression that this is how men should be from his dad's adventures. You are right in being cautious. Seems like maybe some talks along the lines of respect and what a healthy realtionship is can be what you could speak to your son about? Good luck and god bless!

First of all I wanted to give you a little background on me. I have been in the family law field for over 15 years. Prior to having my daughter (20 months) I owned 10 paralegal offices and my husband is a lawyer. I am also a certified mediator who had a 93% success rate in keeping my divorces uncontested. I think your son may have hid the gifts from you because of what your reaction may be. And I don't think he needs permission to accept little gifts, with the exception of extravagent gifts i.e a Playstation or IPOD, but a deck of cards or t-shirts should be no big deal. Even if we behave charming they may sense what negative feelings we have inside. Maybe, your ex-spouse is trying to look like daddy of the year . . . then again maybe he may also realizes past mistakes and is trying to make amends. There are many fathers out there that just move on and find plenty of women could care less whether he has children or not. As for female friends it should not be an issue as long as they are not behaving inappropriate around your child. If there is someone who is spending the night or living with him then I would absolutely demand to meet them. Futhermore, (and this is a caveat) child custody and support issues are never finite. They can always change. Meaning daddy could always TRY and modify the custody to joint/legal etc. Lastly, trust in your son that he will tell you if anything awry is occuring. Thus far you have not mentioned any problems your son has had with his father. The only issue he had was not wanting to tell you about the gifts? What makes him feel that he could not tell you? did he think you would be upset? Let him know he could tell you anything. We can't focus on the past . . . focus on the now.

You have every right to be worried about the company your ex is keeping while being with your highly impressionable 9 year old son, you dont know who these people are, if their drug addicts, or abusers, or pedifiles, i mean have you turned on the news lately? Also you dont know if they are doing any thing inapropriate in front of your son either. Its more than acceptable to ask if he could refrain from taking your son out on his "dates", it is ok to tell your dates you have a son, but usually a stranger who is trying to get to know you better, would like to establish a relationship before becomeing second mommy, and he sounds like hes using your son to get women, most women like a guy who likes kids, I know I do. Ask your ex to take his son out on just a father son day and maybe after he gets a somewhat stable relationship, they could hang out together, and yes you should meet her, all of them if possible, and go with your gut, if she doesnt seem right, and i dont mean oh shes just to pretty or somthing, then shes probably not right. All you need to tell your son is that you love him and always will, that even though his dad shows it differently he loves him too, tell him all you want is to keep him safe and youre glad he gets to spend more time with his dad, but to never be afraid to tell you anything that makes him uncomfortable and its good to say it in front of your e too, so he will hopefully get the hint, pull your ex aside and tell him your uncomfortable with the gifts, the dates, whatever your uncomfortable with, and try to work out a compromise. your a good mother dont be afraid to keep it up, and remeber honesty really is the best policy, even if you dont always like saying or confronting it, youd be surprised how much easier your life will be. good luck I hope ive helped a little.

K.,

Just wanted to give you a couple words of (hopefully) encouragement. Congrats on being able to have a conversation with your ex. that came out positive. Mine and I can't even do that and it has been over 13 years since the divorce. Something to hopefully look forward to.

Anyway I did want to say (and I don't know if has already been said) that I recommend you get your son into counseling or family (mom, son, dad) counseling. I only say this because it helped my kids get through the first few years after the divorce (and the very soon remarriage of their father).
It creates a safe place that your son can talk about both of you without "worrying" about the response of the other parent. Sometimes we don't realize how what we are saying affects our children, especially with divorce. Counseling creates an atmosphere of safety for your son to be able to talk freely with an adult. Sometimes our children of divorce get in the habit of not talking about things because they are (consciously or unconsciously (sp?)) holding back so as not to cause a rift or problem or hurt a parent's feelings. If you are able to find a counseling center or counselor, having a session every couple weeks keeps the channels open and when there is a problem to be worked out you have the ground work set up to bring in both parents to talk about it with your son.

Hope this makes sense,

Evelyn

Hi K.,
Some background about me first, I have an 8 yr old son and have been a single mom since he was only a couple months old. During my son's earlier years, his father had a tendancy of changing girlfriends twice a year on average so this was a major issue I had and I expressed my concerns to him. I basically told him that I would not expose my son to this type of behavior and that it was unnessecary for my son to know any of his temporary girlfriends. He at first had an issue with me telling him this but after some consistency and redundancy of why it was detrimental for our son, he finally understood. He stopped introducing him to his women "friends" and started spending his visitations doing activities alone with my son. He has had the same girlfriend for the past year in a half whom I've met (and happen to like, thank God) and have heard only good feedback from my son about her. So to answer your questions based on my experience and the advice that I have received from others, one of them being a professional family phsychologist:
1.) DO NOT introduce dates to your children. These are people you are just getting to know and do not have a a serious commitment with, therefore you do not know as to whether or not they will remain in your life. Kids get easily attached to people, especially those that you are just dating and while trying to win you over, they tend to be extra nice to them. Additionaly, having different men and women come in and out of your life quite frequently can send a negative message to your kids. Believe me, they'll respect you for keeping them out of the loop when it comes to your dates. Plus, kids need stability in their lives.
2.) Once you have been dating someone for a while and have established a relationship on more formal and serious terms, then I would gradually introduce them to your children, and depending on their age, as a "friend" first. And once they've come around long enough and on a frequent basis, sit down with your son and have a talk with him about your new friend, whom you've decided to have a commitment with. How soon you son and a girlfriend/boyfriend meet depends on the seriousness of the commitment and how comfortable you are. Be sure you have given yourself enough time to get to know them. Really be careful with this one, should the relationship not work.. your son could really be emotionally effected for a long time since they get attached so easily. It's easier for us adults to move on. So once you decide to move forward with your relationship, sit down and talk to your son. Ask him what his thoughts on it are and if he is ok with it, not exactly asking for permission but giving him that feeling and reassurance that he plays an important part of your relationship as well. Great way to have him express his concerns and for you to reassure him that everything is ok.
3.) You and your spouse should only be introduced to each other's "friend" if they are going to be introduced to the children. And this means that a more formal relationship is going to be established with them. Again, this shouldn't apply to dates, only that person whom you have been dating for a while and are planning on taking it to the next level. As in my case, you may not like this person but as long as your child is not coming home telling you that he is being abused by them... you really do not have much control about whom your spouse will commit to. If you do have any issues with whom he ends up forming a relationship with, talk to your ex and express your concerns and depending on the nature of the issue, there might be some consequences as a result (i.e., not being able to spend the night or not leaving your son alone with that person).
4.) If your ex has established a serious relationship with someone and he has introduced him to both you and your son, then yes... gifts are ok. But not from temporary girlfriends, they shouldn't be introduced at all. Can't stress leaving the dating scene away from your kids enough.
The time that your son and his dad spend together it's for THEM to spend it together, not them plus one who might not be there next month. As for the gifts he's already gotten, just tell your son... "that's nice" don't make him feel bad for accepting them, it was the proper thing to do. DO talk to your ex and let him know that the outings with his "friends" need to stop as well as the gift giving of course, unless this is someone he is seriously committed to. Don't be afraid to tell him that if this continues, the outings will stop. His dating should be on his time not your son's time. Should this continue, talk to your son... ask him about how he feels when he goes on these outings with his dad... if he doesn't like them, he doesn't have to go. His dad will hopefully miss him enough to shape up and start spending some real quality time alone with his son.
My son met my boyfriend after a few months of formalizing our relationship. It was hard on him at first because I never had to share my time and space with another man. I dated in the past but nothing ever serious came out of them therefore my son never had to experience the "sharing" until now. It took us about a year for him to fully accept my boyfriend and we are doing great now. So I think the key here is taking your time. As for your ex, he should really just focus his time on your son and only introduce someone if he's planning a long future with them. Your son is your number one priority, do whatever you need to do to protect him. Communication with your son is a must so that he can confide in you. If he doesn't get stability with his dad at least he'll get it from you. Keep it up! Sorry for the long novel, hopefully something I said will be of help. Your son will thank you for being there for him the way you do.

I would have a talk with your ex and let him know that it isn't appropriate to introduce his 'girls' to his son, and DEFINITELY not appropriate to force the son to accept gifts from them, especially if they aren't in a long term monogamous relationship. Explain to him that it undermines your son's relationship with his Dad, makes him feel less secure, and that being forced to form relationships with multiple women who are in and out of his life is not only an emotional strain but make it difficult for him to form stable relationships in the future.

If your ex refuses to listen, maybe you can adjust their visitation to semi-supervised? Or even let him know that unless it's just the two of them, visitation will be cancelled? It sounds like you have the right to do that.

Don't be accusatory or angry, just state very matter of factly that while you strongly encourage your ex to spend time with your son, it's your job as his mom to make sure that those visits are not to his detriment.

Ideally no one should be dating. Have you talked to the dad about this and the women parading through? If he is as bad (bad judgement and neglectful) as you say, Dad should only come visit at your home where you can supervise, then you can control sees him. Your main thing is to protect your son and keep him out of harms way. If he hurts your son, you need to report him. Kids don't need a "Dad" like that.

Dear K.,
Your son is not telling you about the "dates" and the gifts because he does not want to say anything that would hurt you or cause conflict. He in turn does not tell his father anything that you do. It sounds as though the gifts are appropriate and given by women that are thoughtful and probably have your son's best interests at heart- which could only make you rest easier when your son is visiting his dad. I doubt that your ex forced your son to accept the gifts. It's obvious that you asking your son about the situation is making him uncomfortable and guilty. Don't make him feel this way.
I was in the same situation with my parents.
For the sake of your son, (and as long as your son is not in danger or being exposed to something inappropriate)- you should probably keep mum about the whole thing. Your son needs his father and it sound like you are looking for reasons to isolate him and get in the middle. Just be thankful that he is stepping up as a dad and you might have one of his "dates" to thank for it. Let your son enjoy his father and not have to worry about you or what you are going to think. If your son is hiding anything or not telling you, it's because of the way you react verbally or non verbally.
Your son should be unapologetic for any of it. Do not "quiz" your son when he comes home from a visit. Just tell him how happy you are that he is visiting with his father and validate how important you know it is that they spend quality time together. Tell him he can always talk to you about anything he wants to and you love to hear his thoughts. End of story.
Your son sounds like a wonderful person and he is trying to protect your feelings and keep his dad out of trouble with you.
Divorce sucks for kids!!

I think it's OK to respond with a compassionate sense of humor at this point. It's important for your son to see his dad as an OK human being. But I think it's OK to also be a little light-hearted and let your son know his dad is still finding his way, he is still trying to find his perfect partner, and that is ok with you. Let him know that you are not jealous of the girlfriends because (in your words, in your own way) you are a confident, strong, and fulfilled woman, and you WANT your dad to be happy with someone. Your son does not want to hurt you, and he might feel he is "cheating" on you when he's with his dad and the date. Remind your son, as always, to be wise, to trust his own judgment, to know right from wrong. You are probably correct in assuming your ex is gaining dating points for being a doting dad. (But be careful not to let your son in on that observation.) Good luck with everything!

K.,
None of what you described about your ex-husband sounds like alone time with a son is a good idea. My concern is that little boys grow up following their fathers example. I am not sure that the kind of man that brings women into your son's life is a good idea. Is there any way for these to be supervised visits? Are there trusted family members that could help supervise these visits? I think you are right in protecting your son. In a day and age like the one we live in and given the past actions of your husband, I would question any woman he would bring into your son's life.
I always told my kids 'when you are still alive and well at 21 you will have me to thank, until then I am an 'in your face' parent!' (Meaning I wanted to know where they were and who they were with at all times)I am happy to say I have two married children and they are both very happy and alive!
I think you can never go wrong in protecting your kids, there is a reason you are having funny feelings about this.
Hope this works out well for all of you.
C.

communication is key. You can't control your ex or is behavior. However, you can talk about it. Your son understands it's not right what his father is doing, talk to him about it. Give him answers to his questions and explain why what the father is doing is wrong. Also use yourself as an example of how dating in a separated family should be done.
For me, I don't introduce my daughter to someone I'm dating unless we are committed and it's serious. There's no need to introduce a man in your son's life that will be gone as quickly as he came as I'm sure you know. :)
Legally, you may want to ask a lawyer if there is something you can do about visitation. You did state that there is no court order right? If you can, maybe get suppervised visitations stating that the only persons to be on these visits is the boy and father. Hope this helps

Your son is reacting to the way you are acting. He is hiding the gifts because he doesn't like to see your feelings hurt. He knows more than you give him credit for.
You can not control what his father does and as wrong as you might feel it is . There is nothing you can do about it. So, my suggestion is to make your home environment as pleasant as you can. Do not say anything negative about his Dad. He is figure that out on his own. ( Trust me on this one) I would be as open and honest with your son as possible. Your husband will not put your son in harms way. Tell him it is O.K. to get gifts from your dad's new girls, they are trying to win his love.He will not ever stop loving you Mom, you will always be the top of his list. He is having a more difficult time with this than you. You have decided to leave your husband, but children will never leave their Mom or Dad. It is just a fact.So, don't give your son the 3rd degree when he gets home. Just reassure him you love him and are glad he is back. Stay a firm and strong parent.
Now, for yourself. Find a good divorce care class. Most of the bigger churches offer a class to help Mom's and Dads through the bitter facts of divorce.I found that was the best thing I ever did. Including expensive counseling. They were honest and open and gave me both mental and social direction. I know this is hard for you and as a parent we become overly protective of our children. Yes, he is hurting too. I would look into a good book if you don't want to go to a church. Good Luck it will all be fine.You seem like a great Mom.
N.

Sad to see that most people don't think how much damage is done to children because of their parents' behavior. Someone had posted that it's none of your business who your son deals with when he's with father and in my opinion - that's simply damaging. Your son is a minor child and yes, it SHOULD be your concern who he deals with. That way of thinking is simply irresponsible!

Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on am640? I always don't agree with what she says, but one thing she says that makes complete sense is -- as long as you have minor children, wait till they're 18 to start dating again. The children are the victims since they don't have a choice in the matter. Of course, most people would disagree and would go ahead and date and totally disregard children's feelings. Don't wait until he's older and you discover that he has ill feelings for both of his parents.

As much as your son needs his father - time spent with his father doesn't sound too healthy and beneficial for him. You need to set the boundaries because it's obvious that your ex is not going to. Be your son's advocate - for his sake...

By the way, I have been a stepmom for 16 1/2 years now - it's not always easy, especially for my stepson - but I've been in his life since he was 2. We have a good relationship considering he's not a part of our daily lives - I have 2 younger children (11 and 8) and they adore their big brother - but nonetheless, it can still be a difficult situation at times. Looking back - I may have done differently, but we've made the best of the situation. It's amazing what wisdom a person acquires after years of experience!

Wow this sounds like when i was a kid!!

My father only came around when he had a Women. My mother did not ever fight in front of me. She did always made sure I was not around when she brought up issues. He came around with her and never much alone. She always gave me gifts and I took them. I my mother let me keep some. At the time I felt as if she was the bad one. I was young and did not see the whole picture. When I was small my mother never said anything bad to me about him. I think she did the right thing. I was 13-14 I saw that I was a toy for my father. I saw the light!! I saw that my mom was always my rock. I asked my my father why do we only go see her. I asked him does he know how to eat with out her. He never answered.

When I was much older and married my mother and I talked about it. Looking at it I think she did the right thing. I know it is what I am doing with my kids and my ex husband.

I guess what I am saying is let them spend time together. Your son will make his own judgment over time. Make sure he is not taking all your sons free time. It is weird he only has her around. But at least he gets to see his father. I know that sounds cold!

Well I can see how you would be worried about your son and what not. He is doing what he thinks is right with him by hiding the stuff that his dad's new girlfriend is giving him. You do have the right to tell his dad to not make it a habit because it will confuse him. What my mom did with me when she was dating my step-father was that she waited until she knew it was serious enough for me to get to know him. I was 5 when my parents got divorced and 6 when my mom got re-married. Now my dad on the other hand well, needless to say, I didn't know about the women until he actually married them. Even the wife he has now I didn't know that he was going to marry her until a month before. So if anything just talk to the dad in a civil matter and do it when his girlfriend is there and when you son isn't around to hear what is being said.
With the introducing the new girlfriend/boyfriend to the ex idea. Well I don't think that is a very good idea because the other person may feel sadden by it. My mom never knew any of the women that my dad has ever dated or even married. Even now she has no reason to meet his new wife. To her as long as he is happy and not bothering her she is fine with that. She just wants to make sure that I'm happy and the rest comes later when it comes to my dad. Just tell your son that your not mad at him for getting the gifts instead ask him how he felt about getting it. You will see in the long run if you make it easier for your son he will be willing to tell you what him and his dad do. I do hope that it works out for ya.

Wow! You are really covering all areas. And I don't blame you. I am also recently divorced. Not knowing you or your ex, I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. My daughter is only six. I threatened my ex that if he were to bring a woman that was disrespecting my daughter around her, then there was going to be trouble. But then I thought about it. Regardless of how long he knew that person, if someone was to get crazy, I trust that he would handle it. And I know that as moms we mother differently than fathers father. What I mean by that is we as mothers want the fathers to be in our kids face like we are. But dads do things different. For instance, watching tv. Anyway you have to trust him a little bit. And the other good thing is that your son is way old enough to express himself in a respectable manner. Tell him to tell his father how he really feels. I don't know, you have to use your mommie powers (intuition) on this. Good job on being involved though. Some moms don't care.

I agree with you. Until there is some kind of permanent relationship, your son should not be put in this position. Explain to your ex that you see his new interest and that you are happy to have the two of them hang out alone-no girlfriends. let him know there is discomfort for you and your son with building relationships that may not be permanent. The visitations have rules, he has to follow them otherwise there is no visitation. Just emphasize they need to build a relationship first.

I think its fine, maybe the only reason your son was hiding the gifts was because he thought you'd be mad. I think you will get more brownie points for not making a big deal about it and making your son feel comfy than any girlfriend would get for buying him something. Kids are smart, he will realize that they are buying him things so he'll like them, and thats ok he deserves positive attention-at least his dad is showing interest- who cares if its late in the game. I wish you luck with everything.

Hello K., I completely empathize with your situation and understand the confusion that it is bringing up. However having read your situation all the way through it sounds to me like it could be better that there is another person around with your son as a witness to his father's behavior. I'm sure that when he is with these women he is on his best behavior (the father, that is) and the other person is almost a monitor. I think it would be great if you could meet the people in question, however I believe that the only way this could happen is if you don't show any objection to another person being around otherwise you will probably face some resistance and defensive behavior. Your son is probably trying to protect you by hiding the gifts...and if they are harmless then it would probably be best if you could give him your permission to accept them - in which case he would be more likely to show them to you openly. The most important issue (as I'm sure you know) is your son's happiness and feeling of well-being and the more open the communication you can have with him, the more you will be able to judge that after these visits. Best of luck!

Your son is not dating why are you even considering introducing him to any of your dates. If you have a ring and a date for marriage, then that is the perfect time to introduce youe son....Other than, you are exposing him to unnecessary emotional trauma everytime you break up with someone he has attached himself to....

My stepson was 4 yrs old when my husband and I started dating, he hadn't been with the mother for over 3 yrs and had dated other women, but I was the 1st one he ever let meet his son. Meeting a child is a big deal and your son shouldn't be used as a tool in your ex's relationships, especialy if it's making him uncomfortable. You need to talk to your ex. It's going to be a touchy subject no matter what you do. Just let him know that your sons seem to to uncomfortable with the gifts and he'd like some one on one dad time for a while.

Unfortunately, the only healthy thing that you can do, is try talking with your ex about it. Explain your feelings (with not attitude or attempt at superiority at parenting - men don't take well to that, nor do women). Let him know that you are attempting to raise your son with manners and a sense of right & wrong. Accepting gifts from strangers is not something you are comfortable with - although, it is a very old school thing to do. My husband was a single child of divorce and he was hooked-up! He had two of everything. It was like a challenge to each side who could give him more. Anyway, if your conversation doesn't appeal to him, all you can do is remain your way with him during your time with him. Although, you could recommend keeping the gifts he receives from his Dad & girlies, at his Dad's house/place. Good luck & God Bless You!!!

Being a single mom myself I belive you should not be datting until your children are at least 17 years old. Therefore you will not have to waist any time worrying when your children would want to meet your new man in your life. They already have a father and hopefully some other positive mail role models in his family. As for how to deal with your ex husband behavior and how he brings new people into your sons life without telling you is out of your control and not realy any of your business. The sooner you learn to deal with that the better. The best you can do is to provide a safe loving enviroment at home for him so he can feel comfortable enough to talk to you and not feel the need to hide his gifts from you in fear of your reaction. He dose not want to be the cause of any discomfort between you and your ex. I will tell you what my farther always tells me. You say you love your son and you would do anything for him. Then you must be the hero for your son it won't always seem fair but aomeone has to put the boy first. After all you mad the mistake of picking his father now you and only you can make this the best divorce family a boy ever had. In the end he will know how hard you work at it. You can't change your ex the only person you are in control of is you. When you let go of that control it will be a lot easier. You will always worry but that what we do. Hang in there, be strong I know you can do it

Mom of 4

Dear K.,

I am sorry to hear of this unfortunate event. I understand his father only wants to be a father by apperience only. There is absolutly nothing you can do it is his father. All you can do is explain as best you can so he feels comfortable not to hide things from you keep an open line with your son so if something unfortunate does or might happen he can come to you and talk about it.

I personally have an ex husband and he is also what they call disneyland dad aka a show dad. I have learned on my own level I parent diffrently I am honest and open to my kids. I personally do not bring any one home unless I have known them far over a year. I know that person will be there long term I tell them they do not need to buy my kids gifts to win there effection or like of them because they will see right thru it and think you are trying to bribe them. I have only had 2 men in my kids life since my divorce. Both of which I still speak to and have around my kids even though our relationships have ended. It is a personal choice how you date and parent.

That is his choice to parent the way he has. My only suggestion is to let your child know the diffrence between people giving gifts to give or giving gifts to bribe you to like them. He will catch on quickly and soon let his father know that it is not appropriate. Keep track of how many women are in and out of his life and how often this goes on for future court dates even though you may be divorced "parenting" is forever. If this effects the emotional well being of your child then take him back to court and have it ordered to your guide lines. Other wise there is nothing you can do.

I divorced my ex-husband when my girls were 8 and 6, and now they are grown women with childern of their own some 29 years later..hummm it still seems like it was just yesterday. I don't think a person ever gets over the effect of divorce on their childern. Both my girls now tell me about how divorcing thier father effected their lifes. The reason I am telling you this is becasue YOU are the one who can mostly infulance your child. He will look to you on how he reacts to the world. YOU have no control on what happens at his father house, therefore YOU must be honest, and direct with your son. As adults we can see clearly why the women friends are buying you son gifts (outside of the fact the is cute), and so YOU need to give him this information in a manner which he can understand. The gifts should stay at his fathers house, so when he goes back there they will be there for him, and so. Your son goes out into the world everyday, and see and hears a great deal. Therefore, you must Treat him(your son) with respect talk to him as a young man. point out to him how you expect him to behaive, so as he gets older he will understand the actions of respect and doing the right thing. When YOU ARE doing the right thing, it comes back to ten fold. Trust me it is very hard to do the thing, however 29 years later I have recieved phone calls from both my daughters telling me thank you, and I am sorry (mostly for acting in a certin way), the thank yous are the best. It is hard enough for kids out there in todays world, as a mom and grandmother I have noticed that it is best to keep a childs home life and as constant and stead as possable. By bringing in a new person into the picture when they are still being raised by you really, really complacates there world. YOUR focus is raise him with love, securty, and he knowing that he is the most important person in your life. Dating should be kept as a very privite manner. Kept in the adult world. Remember once a child has expereaced situations in their lifes it can never, never be changed. How and what you do (or his father does) will ALWAYS leave an impresstion on him.

Hi K.! Having been a kid that went thru many folks' relationships/divorces plus having a Master's in Counseling here are some of my candid thoughts (based on my observations):

1. I thinks kids are best out of the folks' dating lives, as dating very often distracts from parenting obligations on the most-part, esp. when the limited time is now shared with a newcomer, who might or might not stick around or be the best influence (some exceptions, I am sure). But, when you are divorced, unless your ex agrees, it is just a fact of life taht he might chose to have a date around, and you can at least suggest that your ex not leave the kids alone with the gal.

2. Pretty dang serious. Otherwise, it is playing house, and it is experimental...it confuses kids, and should remain private, in my opinion.

3. Often the ex spouses (or at least one of them) will not care so much about what is best for the communication/collaboration of both original folks or they would have stayed married in the first place...so one is usually more prone to thinking of what is best for the kid, while the other is into what feels good for the time.

4. I think giving small gifts can be great or a form of falsly winning a kid over...hard to tell, but too much elaborate stuff might not be appropriate. The worst thing would be for the kid to feel in the middle of things, or feel the need to not disclose something or protect one parent's feelings....it is a huge burden for a kid. What is most important is that he is taken care of properly while not in your presence. Hopefully your ex will not have her move in for a trial marriage and pull you into that entire dynamic.

5. I almost never answer these, but you really sound sensire and caring. With all you said, it just might be that your ex is posing as a good dad to win over some new lady...it will be important for you take a part in putting your foot down as much as you can regarding how much another party is involved in your kid's life....it sure would be good to meet her if she is to be around him often..and if you suspect your ex is pulling your kid's hair, etc....I would take legal action and end that ASAP. Your kid will be damaged. That might scare him a bit. I wish you the best.

You need to remember,,,

#1. YOU divorced your husband, your son did NOT divorce his dad.

#2. When your son is with his dad, it is his time, and his father does not have to check with you with what he does with his son, as long as his son is safe, you have no business needing to know what he does with his son!!

#3. Your son is not a baby, he is 9 years old, and yes that is still young, but he speaks clearly, and is old enough to let you know if something was wrong during his visits with his dad.

#4. Any gifts that are given to your son, through friends of his dads, should be no concern of yours, most likely he is probably hiding it so it won't hurt you?? You may want to suggest to his dad if any future gifts, maybe just have them stay at his dads, so your son doesn't feel the need to hide them??

I'm not being snooty here, I too divorced 7 1/2 years ago, and worried the same as you. I have 2 beautiful daughters now ages 21 and 17,,, my youngest is graduating H.S. this June,,, My youngest daughter was a year older than your son now,,, she was 10 years old,,, and even though they both loved both their parents, and their dad also was careless during our marriage when it came to our daughters, along with divorce years, I had NO control what he did when he had them, but I sure was ready IF they ever got hurt, (god forbid) I was ready to let him have it!!! I eventually learned, they needed their time with their father, and when he had them, I just moved on to MOMS time out, and eventually learned not to worry about them, they were old enough to let me know if something happened, and as for what they did, or with whom, I divorced him, I had no control what he did with our daughters, and if I was so concerned of sharing my daughters with their father who didn't think safety my way, I should of stayed married to him till they were grown,,, NEVER could I do that, so I just had to think my daughters were old enough to know right from wrong, and know they were okay when they were with their dad!!!

And now, I pat myself on the back for the way I raised my girls, they are GREAT girls, with good morals, they are well manered, and I have NEVER had to worry about them doing the wrong thing, I raised them well, and I'm so VERY PROUD of them!!!

So just remember, you have sole custody, and he will be with you a good part of his life, so teach him all the rights and wrongs, and as fast as the years go by, (and that they go by QUICKLY) Don't stress, just ENJOY him for who he is, and what he becomes because YOU will be the number one who shows him all the good ways in life!!! Gifts aren't what molds your son, it will be what comes from the heart, NOT the pocket book!!! So give him the peaceful times with his dad, but remember, YOU will be the one he looks up to, and cherrishs year after year while he grows up and becomes that man!!!

i have thought about this and well...by what i think is that maybe you should just let it be. you know...some parents like to have kids meet whoever they happen to date or are friends with to see if the child approves or if the woman in question can deal with the fact that he has a son. if this is the case with your ex...you should be grateful...its better to see how things go firsthand than for the other woman to not meet your son till your ex and the other woman get serious and it turns out that there is conflict between her and your son. maybe your ex is doing this as a precaution to avoid conflict. As for the gifts...your son is likely hiding them because he is afraid you would over-react...in which you did and it was likely what he was affraid of. i dont think he is uncomfortable with the gifts...cuz what child doesnt love to recieve gifts? i think he was just uncomfortable with you finding out. like i said....just let it be and try to see the positive in it. at least that is how i deal with it...i have been seperated from my ex for over a year and a half and we still have yet to work on the divorce and we have 3 kids together.

Well, you actually have no say in who he introduces the child to unless that person is a danger to your child. If that becomes the case, you can take your husband to court to fix that. If the woman is buying him gifts, that is very nice of her. Maybe his judgement/choice of women has gotten better with maturity/age. In no way should you tell your son that you disapprove of the gifts. Tell him that was very nice of her. When I was a single Mom, I waited until I had been dating someone for 3 months and things were going well before I introduced him to my kids, but not before. Even then, it was just a little at a time. I think it's good that the Dad is taking interest finally, even if it is due to the girlfriend. She may be the good influence he needs in order to be a better father.

Hi,

I do feel for you. As for the gift giving, I found that that is a common thing. My mothers boyfriends gave me gifts and my first daughters fathers girlfriends gave her gifts. I guess it is a way to help the new person feel accepted by the child. Your son will not love you any less. I feel let him accept these little gifts. But if you are uncomfortable, maybe express your feelings with your ex. Your ex has moved on and you welcome the relationship between him and your son, I may not make an issue over the gift thing. The one important thing to do is keep an open communication with your son but not question him on every little detail. If there are concerns always go to your husband. You want to make your son comfortable to know he can always come to you if there are problems(with the father or anyone else) on his own terms. At nine years old, he can figure people out for what they are about. My daughter did. Children are very savvy and sometimes us adults don't give them enough credit for that. ANd go with your gut instinct, your ex does not have a good track record, so I feel he should introduce you to the new person in his life. But if he is going through partners quite often then that does not set a good example to your son. That is my opinion. Children need stability. I feel that new relationships need to be kept away from the children unless there is really something there. Just remember to not have your son feel like he caught in the middle of any situation. That will just bring resentment. I hope this helps and good luck because these type of situations are not easy, not just for the child but the parents also.

C.

P.S. Just remember to really listen to your son, and hopefully your ex is truly wanting a relationship. Not using him to get the ladies at any level...

I would say unless it is bothering your son leave it alone. Creating guidelines from your side of the fence would only cause conflict with your ex and upset your son. You may not like that he introduces women to him, but ultimately he has to decide what type of parent he wants to be, and you cant do that for him. I know it is a hard thing to hear but it is the truth. My parents were divorced when I was young and my mom tried to put all these restrictions on my dad about introducing us to people he dated but the truth was that we didnt care at all, she did! Their arguing was way more stressful than meeting my dads new "friends"... just think about it.