About a month after my ex and I split he thought it was a good idea to get a girl pregnant, so my son has a half sister very close to him in age. Obviously with the pain of divorce, the pain that he moved on so soon, the child is a pain as well. My son (who is 6) went to his dad's for an overnight the other night. I recognize this is a positive thing that his dad wants to be more involved b/c in the past he was very lackluster, which is why I allowed him to go.
My son comes back and all I hear about is how "Susie" and him did this and that and how she is his sister etc. It hurts SO bad. Of course I want my son to be able to tell me anything so I smile and listen and say how that must've been fun, etc. But inside I am hurting so bad.
Can anyone say anything to help me feel better about this? Please no lectures about how they have a right to know each other b/c I recognize this and I am trying to be positive when he is around. I just wish that when he didn't say the sentence she's my sister that it didn't bring back all the divorce pain. Ugh, when am I going to move on from the pain that the divorce gave me? It is an adjustment sending him to his dad's to spend time with the other family so to speak, but I am doing it b/c I want my son to have his dad. It's just so hard and inside it hurts so bad. :-( Help with positive ways to get over it!!!!
Thanks so much for all the support. I appreciated hearing what everyone had to say. You were all very kind and reminded me that while it is hard I am doing what is best for my son. It was good to hear about others experiences and how encouraging everyone was. Thanks so much!!! Made me feel a lot better and I kept telling myself that I can do this. A journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step. :-)
I'm so sorry you are having troubles with this. My dad left my mom the day after I was born .... for her best friend! They left town and got married and had three kids right away. I never had any contact with them until I was older, but even then it about killed my mom to see these kids or even hear about them. My mom never got counseling though. You should. It will help you deal with all these feelings.
First of all I recommend counseling, talk it all out with a counselor. I am sure if the ex was able to move on so soon after spliting up there was a lot going on in your marriage. Is he still with the mother of his daughter?
One thing to remember ---- Many years ago Ann Landers responded to a question to a woman who was very hurt because her husband had said he would get married again if she died. She thought that meant he didn't love her. Ann said in her opinion, it was just the opposite. If your S/O can move into another relationship after the two of you split whether you divorce or die it means you did a good job as a wife. He is willing to try again. So that means he had a good experience with marriage. Look at how many of the singles out there won't get maried again and when you ask they say something about the %#*&@!! they divorced.
He moved on --- yes too fast --- but you were a good wife to him and he tried again. Have you moved on? Have you been able to get into a good relationship? If not the fact that he was a bad husband could be the reason why.
Don't tell him -- keep it your little power secret. Smile when you see him with his current family and remember he probably isn't doing a good job there either but you did your job as a good wife.
No judgement on my part. I am as green as they come. It still bugs me that my ex took his new wife onthe trip to Jamaica he had always promised me. I don't know how to help you get over those feelings, except to say face them. Journal them. Try to attack why it hurts and start there. It took lots of cheap wine, tears, Mary J Blige, Aretha Franklin, and Allanis Morrisette for me to get over my ex.
Just a little story to help you - I have an 18 yr old daughter with my exhusband. And 2 little ones. Those little ones are her baby brother and sister. I don't know if you have any little brothers or sisters, but she is FIERCELY protective of them. Any hint that someone doesn't like them or they aren't welcome will get you an earful from her. She loves them with her whole heart. She sees no reason why her little brother and sister shouldn't be invited to any family function she is. Therefore, we are at her dads side of the family for every holiday. We all come together as a family. Her daddy (my ex) buys them birthday and Christmas presents. He loves them, or at least he pretends! And if he didn't, his daughter would be hurt. One day you might get to a point where you love this little girl as a family member. She may add new joy to your life, watching how close they are and what a great big brother he is to her. I love watching my son take care of his little sister. They are best buddies. It's heart warming and sweet and I'm so glad they all have each other. Try to get to a point where she doesn't repesent the divorce. Try to be as good to her as you hope your exes new cow will be to your son when he is over there.
cut yourself some slack AND continue to encourage a positive relationship between your son and his dad/sister... allow yourself to hurt, i can imagine that feels like a slap in the face - i'm sure the shock value of him talking about it will get less with time. if it doesn't, maybe go talk to a counselor of some sort. try to be happy for your son that he is building some positive relationships - it would be difficult in a different way if he came back sad and upset. lock yourself in your room and cry for a few minutes if you need to. go out and spend some time for YOU doing what YOU like while he's with his dad - good luck and be patient with yourself :)
I understand you are hurt, and understandably so. It is great that you recognize that it is important for your son to have a relationship with his father and his sister. As tough as it is, you must remember that it isn't either child's fault.
I would suggest that you seek counseling to deal with your apparent unresolved feelings concerning your ex and the divorce. It will only benefit you and your son in the long run.
I think an impartial counselor may help you sort out your feelings. You're too close to the situation to untangle things yourself.
And your feelings are understandable. It may help if you can keep remembering that whatever your ex-husband did, it is not really the fault of his little girl. Can you learn to keep the two identities separate in your mind?
One of your objectives as a mother is to teach your son how to behave toward other people. In this case it means you work through your pain without passing it on to him. It's part of the mama job, and I'm proud of you for wanting to do it! If you can take the high road when it comes to this little girl, I think you'll be glad later on.
My 15 year old son leaves tomorrow morning for a week's vacay with his father, his father's girlfriend,and another couple that are long time friends of his father. They are going to visit his father's mom, dad, and grandma.
My son is over the moon excited about this trip and has been looking forward to it all summer.
Me, I just don't like his father's family - there is a lot of backstory - so I have a hard time getting excited for my son. In fact, I would rather he not go on this trip. But, I also recognize that these people (well most of them) are his family also and he has a right to know them and be loved by them. Even if it makes my skin crawl. LOL
All this to say, it gets easier, after a while. Because we want what is best for our children. And to let them know their "other" family is (usually) a good thing. As you move farther away from your divorce your child's interaction with his father will bother you less. My standard is to ensure that his father etc. treat him with respect and love - which, I have come to grudgingly admit, they do.
Ultimately, my son comes home to me. And I know that he loves me and I know that, even at 15, he sees me as the most consistent adult in his life.
Good Luck
God Bless
A) You're doing the right thing by him by being kind and generous in your son's prescence
B) Allowing yourself to have a good screaming crying fit, (possibly followed by good chocolate and a long hot bath) when OUT of your son's prescence is AOK!
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You are doing the right thing allowing your son to have a relationship with his sister and his sisters family. That is good for him and you know that. You are being very strong to keep quiet and allow him that pleasure. I really commend you.
Now........ moving on. Think about what you really love and pursue it. Start stepping out with friends and if you aren't already, be open to dating. Do things for yourself. Your new happiness will help you to let go of the past, which in the end will be good for you and your son. Consider a support group or counseling. Find ways to feel good!
try reading self help books. they're very helpful to get you emotionally divorced. sorry not much help.
I went thru a similar situation. You are doing the right thing for your son. You need to have adults you can talk about your feelings, a friend, conselor, etc, so you can get it out, talk about it and begin to heal. It just takes time. I hated my x so much for what he did, but we cannot reflect that to our children. It is so hard for women bc men seem to just walk away without a care and start over. Another thing I did that helped, I went back to college. But I would suggest simply talking it out with a friend or conselor. Pray also, and trust. C.
You're a great mom. Hang in there. I know this is tough for you. If I were in your shoes I would talk to a counselor. Do you feel you may be depressed? It sounds like you have a touch of post traumatic stress. I remember when my ex and I broke up I couldn't go anyplace that reminded me of our relationship. I would be a mess for days sometimes weeks. LIttle triggers set me off. Your son talking about things brings up the past for your and it's a trigger. I think a counselor would help you to deal with those things. In the meantime be patient with yourself. You are only human. It will get better
Hang in there - Hugs.
There's a book called "Transitions" by William Bridges that I read before/during my divorce that helped me make sense of the change I was going through. It might help.
