What to Do About Friendship Betrayal

The best thing to do is just let it go. Lesson learned. Why would you want people like that around you children anyways. You tried. I know it's hard to let go but sometimes the best thing to do for someone is to walk away.

I agree with the others. THis has been a painful learning experience for you. Now you move forward and take care of your family and use this as a lesson on trust.
I would get copies of your credit report and maybe put a block on your social security number. You can do that by calling any one of the three credit reporting companies. By living in your house they have had access to your personal files.
Let them go and do pray for them. THey need the help. Here you have opened your house and lives to them and they took advantage. The other responder was so right when she said there is a reason they are unemployed.
Document everything that has happened in the last 6 months as they may go to the court system.
Good luck to you.

Just one quick comment for you. I know that you are hurting and feel betrayed, so you want to fix things. But, at the end of the day, are these the type of people that you want to be friends with and ultimately want to be role models for your children? You have such a big heart, and are obviously good people. Use this as an opportunity to bow out of a friendship that is unhealthy for all of you!

Just feel good about what you have done!

Chalk this one up as a life lesson. Company and fish stink after 3 days, let alone months of bad behavior. You could explain to your little girl that the gift had been returned because her friend didn't really have a vote in that, apparently her father was acting childishly and his poor little girl has to pay for that. That is really very unfortunate. My advise is to stop all attempts to communicate with any of them. This is a very tough financial time for the country as a whole, and his lack of responsibility towards a helping hand speaks volumes about his character. Try to teach your children a lesson, as well as yourself, that sometimes when people take advantage of their friends, they aren't friends at all. Unfortunately, the children suffer because of his lack of maturity. But, there is a lesson here, which lesson you choose to teach your children must be about character,responsibility,and how to go on after feeling hurt and used. To me, this man is teaching a lesson to his family as well, however,his lesson is far from having character or being honest and responsible. It doesn't appear that being a father and role model matter to him let alone being a friend. His toxic behavior is something that is now not just hurting his family, but your family as well. Sometimes toxic friends are just not acceptable and their behavior is not something you want as an influence in your home or life,because this really isn't being a friend. It isn't really what you say to your children, it can be more affective when this subject has been defined as unacceptable behavior and you move on in a loving and centered family way. Boundary lines are always good in a home where everyone there should feel safe and relaxed. Let this go, but let it go with a lesson for your family. Live well, and realize that the problems brought into your home by an outsider are gone now. Maybe the offer of a free ride at your house wasn't the best idea, there are no free rides in life. And, when you live in a home, and are apart of it, you work to help with upkeep, even while you pay for the utilities and food you eat. By extending him this free ride, you invited bad behavior when he accepted your offer.
All these words I've written when all I really want to say is, sometimes "friends" hurt and take advantage of you....that is when you learn they aren't friends at all. You really have to teach the correct lesson here, especially when your children are home schooled and don't socialize day to day with other adults such as teachers, or have peers of their choice to be with. Your home is their entire world, you really have to be careful teaching them how and what is appropriate from others without blowing this out of proportion.

I have been in a situation with my husband's sister and her family living with us. It ended badly. I honestly don't think it's a good idea to have anyone living with you. It causes too much added stress. Just foucus on your family. Let your friends problems be there's. Married people that have mutal friends that are around too often can cause alot of problems with your marriage and family. Be careful and remember who is most important to you!

Have you ever seen an 8yo and a 15yo fight? (Of course you have!!) I am sure you notice is that the only way they can do it is if the 15yo stoops to the 8yo level.

Your situation is alot like this. It sounds like those people did you all wrong on so many levels. I know you are hurt, but I don't think talking and future contact is going to help...you'll just end up 'fighting' on their level.

My advice is to drop it. Don't talk nasty about them in front of the kids. I'm sorry that your generosity was repaid like this, but I have a feeling this issue is one you'd be best to learn from and move on.

Dear V.,
It sounds to me that you were a very good friend indeed in their hour of need. I am sorry to hear of your betrayal and feel your pain. Unfortunately, you will just have to forgive them and bless them whenever you pray. Just ask the Lord to soften their hearts and bless them all you can, praying for their eyes to be opened to all that has transpired. When we pray for those who have hurt us, God releases a special grace to us that only He can give and when you see them one day, you will have none of the pain you are feeling now. It's amazing really. It's in the beatitudes Jesus preached in Matthew Chapter 5. Pray for them every day and tell us what happens. ;-)

I've always heard it said that no house is big enough for two families. It's sadly pretty much true. Any time such a big undertaking is to work, it needs a LOT of agreement and understanding --AND maturity -- on everyone's part UP FRONT, even if it's your own adult children. It sounds as if everyone started out in agreement, but there should've been a time limit, etc. (No use to 'should on yourself' at this point, tho, huh? -- should've this, should've that).

I think you should let them make the next move. It sounds as if the man lost track of his own responsibilities which, in turn, made him feel guilty, which made him act defensive of his actions and LACK of responsibility although he kept trying to justify them.

Let it ride for now, and if you start feeling that for some reason you owe them an apology, let that be your first act of reaching out. Otherwise, time may help THEM realize that they owe YOU an apology, but time is the only thing that WILL do it.

Just live your life, consider this as 'lessons learned', and be more careful in future of making such generous and benevolent outreaches without FIRM agreements as to everyone's expectations!

God bless!

You need to drop it. Do not make any contact with them and get your family life back into order. The more you reach out indicates that you were the ones to have been at fault. YOU know that your family helped them and THEY know that your family helped them, that is why they are so mean and hateful. Had you asked the question about letting them move in in the first place my suggestion would have been NOT to do so. Especially allowing a family to move in WITHOUT any financial responsibilites was not a good idea. You should have figured a budget before the move and stuck to it. You treated them like children (no financial responsibilites) so they are acting like children. When they moved in, the ENTIRE dynamics of their family changed. Your family became the providers for them and parenting them as well. They approciated the help at first, came to expect it and then resent it.
I would suggest that you learn a lesson from this. I realize your famiy wanted to help out, but maybe sending them grocery gift cards and offering to pay their water bill would have been a better idea.
Just drop the whole subject with them. If and when they come to terms with their part in this fiasco they will contact you and apologize. Until then, find new friends and accept that you may never be friends with them again.

You and your family showed your true spirits - that of love, friendship, and generosity - when you invited another family to move in with you. Conflicts are bound to arise when two families live together in the same home for more than a week! The other family was clearly on the defensive, their pride wounded by their circumstances, and they took that out on you. They bit the hand that fed them. Don't make any decisions about the future of your friendship right now. Give them time to reestablish themselves. Don't contact them again for 3 - 6 months. When you do, just tell them you miss them or something nice. Let them come around, realize their mistakes, and initiate an apology. If they don't - give them a year - then burn the bridge.

I took in two different sets of people who had fallen on hard times years ago and both situations ended very badly. Somewhat the same as yours - I had agreed to no rent in exchange for labor, or on the promise that once they were on their feet, they'd pay rent. They quickly stopped doing work and wouldn't pay rent (in both cases) - all the while running up my bills - tons of electricity, phone bills (this was before cell phones), and using (and often destroying) my things. I think it's just a situation that is ripe for resentment. They resent that you are doing better than they are and that they have to depend on you, and you end up (of course) resenting them for not keeping their word on work and/or rent. I know you wanted to help, and so did I, but I've finally learned that's just not the best way to do it - AND that some people really do have to suffer the consequences in order to learn their lessons.

Reading your experience and everyone's responses has been somewhat healing for me. I agree with all those who said to just let it go - forgive and don't try for or expect friendship from them in the future. Pray for them, and hopefully someday they'll grow up! God bless you.

Hi V.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I want to commend you for opening your home to a family in need - that is truly wonderful and above and beyond what most people would do for others. As far as the friendship goes, I think you have done what you can to try to be in relationship with this family. I would let it go, but don't let it eat you up. You can still be open to reconciling with them, but you are probably going to have to wait until they are ready (which may be never). Be proud of the person you are and that you have tried to do the right thing. God bless you and your family!
Cyndi

V.,sorry to hear what you so called friends have put you threw but i've been there several times.I learnt over the years that friends and family alike will do this not thinking they could be homeless,no job,no food and no one to care if they could get on there feet or not.we tryed helping a friend told them they could stay till they could find work they borrowed money to look for work but didnt look just spounged,they wouldnt help with dishes,or laundry and we were supporting them then we found that his girlfriend was drinking in our house useing the money they borrowed for gas for alchoal and ciggerates.I threw her out and she lied on my husband and three hours dfs took our children but after talking to our children dfs told us go get our children.and yes I was angry and hurt our friend knew the accuzations were lies but did nothing to stop her or tell them she was lieing it put us threw hell to help someone that wouldnt help themselfs.I'd say burn that bridge!they knew the agreement,they wernt looking for work or trying to get a place of there own.you dont need freeloaders if they were really friends they wouldnt take advantage of you.god bless but what you do is your choice not mine.I have forgiven them but would not be put in that situation again to a point we must let it go learn from our mistakes so they never happen again but never let them stay again even if you remain friends or they will do it again.

Forgive them. If you don't, the anger will eat you up. It will hurt you, not them. Forgiving doesn't mean you need to reconcile. Try to remember the good times before all this happened. They probably have rationalized in their minds to the point that they actually believe the things they have said. Maybe just living so closely in the same house with another family made them resentful of everything you had, so they started making up reasons in their minds and looking for things to be mad at you about.

All you can do, I think, is to pray for them and hope that they see the true situation at some point and apologize. In the meantime, move on and help your daughter with her hurt also. Maybe pray with her for them.

Take care and I do sympathize.

Learn a lesson from it and move on.

So sorry to hear about this. It will take a lot of time. And in the meantime it will occupy your thoughts.

If you feel that you have tried everything and your friend refuses to contact you, it is up to her. It sounds as if you have made efforts to keep the door open to her.

Obviously this experience has impacted your family. Now you can focus on your family and getting back into your own normal routine. Just keep in mind that how you proceed from this point forward is impressed in the minds of your children and can impact their relationships in the future.

I agree with Melinda P.

When someone betrays you the hardest thing to do is pray blessing for them. God gives you a peace that nothing else in this world gives when you pary for someone who has betrayed you.

Please also note that sometimes our trials are a test to see if we believe the word of God and will follow it when we are hurt and betrayed by others. I have found that after situations like this, when I follow God, I end up being much better off and blessed in ways I didn't expect.

Good Luck,
K.

you let things cool down and pray about it turn it over to GOD and let him handle it you did your part as a friend by open your house .

Hi V.,
The absolute best thing to do is pray! Pray for them for reconciliation, pray for yourself to have understanding and patience, etc. I would feel the same way you do and would have done probably everything the same as well. Bottom line, just remember you did what you did to be a Christian, helpful friend. If that ended up being more than you bargained for, well it did. You still were helpful in the long run and your deeds will be rewarded in heaven.
Since you have already called, I think there is no more to do for now but wait. Like I said, pray each day and hopefully time will heal this wound. Maybe a few months down the road you can try calling again, and everyone will have calmed down enough to talk then. It is kinda like an argument with our hubbies... sometimes we just have to wait a day after we calm down to talk, well this will need more like weeks to calm down.

Blessings,
Amanda

Dear V.,

I am so sorry to hear of this situation. I do know what you are going throug. I had a similar situation but with members of my own family. It wasn't easy and I had to bit my tongue a lot!

There are times in life when you just need to chalk things up to experience. If there is very little chance that you will ever see these people again, I would do my best to try to let it go. I don't know the situation of how you offered them a place to live but if it was through your church, I would talk to your pastor mostly just to relieve your own soul. Even if they are not of your church I proabably would still do that. You never know how much that could make you feel more at peace with the situaiton.

One thing, since they have already stabbed you in the back, I would watch that they don't try to do this again to you. Personally or legally. Talk to people that know the situation of why you brought them in and what may have happened. If they are the type of people that are telling you that YOU shold pay THEM for living in YOUR house, then there is something fishy about these people. You will probably have to deal with a bad situation with your child too. She will probably miss thier little girl. If they could be so mean hearted as to return a gift and note to her unopened, then they are the ones with the problem not you.

I just hope they didn't go to another family to hurt them also.

So my advice to you is to protect yourselves then chalk it up to experience. You and your husband sound like wonderful people to do such a thing. However, don't let yourselves get in that situation again.

Good luck and I hope you feel better about this situation soon.

E.

I would leave it alone, and try to forgive, forget, move on, and don't count on the friendship continuing. Be frank and honest with your children (this is a good life lesson for them to learn as well - better now than later), without attacking the other family or gossiping. How does the saying go, something about that you can be friends with someone until you become roommates, and that tears apart the best of friends. We had my sister, her husband and their two small children live with us for two months when they got out of the army and came back to the states from Europe. It was very stressful for everyone, and they were glad to leave when they finally had a situation to go to (bought a house), and we were glad for them to be gone. We are still on good terms, but it was a pretty miserable experience. I was pregnant at the time, and my MIL was afraid I would lose the baby from all the stress (didn't happen, fortunately).

Bless your heart for having been so generous (especially for so looooooong!), but let it be a life lesson to you. Your family comes first, no matter what. This could have potentially torn your family apart, and no doubt caused incredible stress and misery. There's nothing like being punished for trying to help someone out. It sounds like she could see the error of her husband's ways, but in all reality, she should be loyal to him and keep her marriage together, even if he was being a putz. In time the wounds will heal, but I suspect that this friendship is over.

V.,
Been there done that. It hurts and no matter how much you try you cant fix it. I just said ok so be it. I didnt try to talk or make contact with them. Its been 14 years and we are just starting to talk to each other again. They see that what they did was wrong and even though it still hurts the way they treated us, I have to be the bigger of the two of us and except that what my Grandmother said was true. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. She is finding this out. Let it go and trust me, you and your family will see that when all is said and done, you were the bigger of the two. Be proud that even though it didnt turn out the way you wanted, YOU DID TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY HELPING OTHERS. Its their fault that things didnt work out. Sounds like they tried to take full advantage of the situtation. Good friends and family dont do that. LOL well they try but it comes back to bite them later and they will see this as time goes on. Let it go hun and things will work themselves out.

These people were never your friends because true friends would not treat you this way. I was betrayed by those who I thought were my friends until they as they say they threw me under the bus.My so called friends sent emails to my family saying what a horrible mother I was to my girls of course my family knows differently. Thank god these people are out of my life. You dont need to have evil people like that in your life move on and find true friends.The man upstairs will take care of the rest.

I am so sorry for your hurt and your anger.
Did you know these people before they came to stay with you or how did the whole situation come about?
First of all, if they aren't answering your calls, I would send one last one. Tell her that you hate what happened and you wish it could have been different that your intentions were honestly meant for the best. Let her know that you want to keep in touch but you have done all that you can do and if she ever needs to talk to please call that she knows where to find you. Then leave it at that.
The little girl probably doesn't even know that your little girl sent her anything....if the truth were known.
Sounds like the man had a different personality and with the woman's attitude change after they left, I would say that the man may be a little abusive and controling. The wife may even be a little afraid of him.
You have done all that you can do and you should be able to sleep at night, unlike them, so after you let her know that this is your last call, just drop it and go about your life and try not to think of it anymore. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and remember the good times that you had with the woman and the little girl.

.

they are wrong and you know that. let it go its sad it has to end like this but you did your best. just let it be and leave them alone

hi my name is S..i have been through a friendship betrayal but i was the betrayor.it is not a good feeling when you lose friends with someone.it took me a while to even get up the nerve to confront the issue.you think you feel bad believe it or not she feels even worse.alot of times people hate to admit they are wrong or just to embarrased about the situation.wait until the situation has died down give her a call and try to straighten things out.reguardless to who is right or wrong if you can mend a good friendship you be the bigger one and confront the issue.let me know how it goes.

Let me tell you this you did the best you could. It says in the bible that "if a man does not work he should not eat". And the fact that he agreed to help was equal to working and being paid in return. You did right. Just wash your hands of the matter. In todays world right is wrong and wrong is right. People think nothing of taking advantage of people. You did the right thing and don't ever allow your self to feel otherwise.

V.,
It sounds as if you and your husband did everything you could for people in need. You know in your heart you did what was right for your friends. Don't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes things don't go according to plan, and it's okay. Let it go. Don't let the hurt feelings turn you away from answering God's call to help others. They need to act now. You've reached out, now let them come to you when they become aware of their wrongs. Hopefully, they'll make it right again. Your generosity won't go unrewarded! God bless

do you really want to be friends with people who treat you like that? I would let it go. You might make one more stretch towards the wife because it sounds like maybe the husband is a little controling and could be abusive towards his wife as well. I'm just totally speculating.

anywho, I'm sorry that happened to you. it sucks. I had a friend turn on me as well and it was really hard to just let it go. But I realized that for whatever reason, she had made up her mind to hate me and there was nothing I could do about it.

By the way, great name :) I'ma V. too :)

Hi V.,

I've learned over the years that some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In each of these cases, you hopefully will grow as a person. There is nothing wrong with some people coming into our lives for a short time and moving on. Pat yourself on the back for having helped someone in need at the time and doing your best. One can only hope they will pay it forward with someone else. You have received some great advice from others. Take from it what you feel works for you. Bless you and your family!

J.

V., this may be one of those times that you have to let time take care of things. You've tried to reach out with no response. When someone tells you what these people have said you will be tempted to defend yourself. Please tread carefully. The advice I would give you about that is this.... when someone tells you something these people have said that's wrong, just say that've been incorrectly informed and it's not true, but you're not going to go into details about it. That's very hard to do. Been there, done that. But, the more you protest, the worse it becomes. People who really know you will know what's true or not. Time will take care of them. If they continue like they have, their true colors will show.
As far as the agreement, consider it a lesson learned. It's very rare 2 families can live together in harmony. It's kind of like church. You pray things will stay peaceful and will always work out harmoniously, or if problems arise you can work them out, or at least agree to disagree, but sometimes personality differences come up and some people won't let it go that easily. And, if you live together, there's no where to go. I don't know you or your husband, but maybe they really didn't like your husband once they lived with you guys for a while. They should've held up their end of the agreement anyway, but since they didn't there's nothing you can do now but pray for them ( VERY HARD ) and for yourselves to not get hardened hearts. I really feel for you. My husband and I had a a double friend betrayal 3 years ago ( they were real good friends). It still hurts even now, but I do see the blessing that came from it. When it gets so, so personal, that's what hurts, so I completely understand your pain. Let it go for a while, though. If this friend was a true friend, she'll be back later on to talk. If not, she won't. I know that hurts, but it's true. I hope you get that phone call, if for nothing else but for some closure. God bless and best wishes!

Why would you want to continue this relationship? Even if the wife wants to stay in touch with you, she's probably not going to be able to do it without incurring her husband's wrath. And she may be too embarrassed by his behavior to want to stay in touch. Anyway, let this go and consider it a hard lesson learned.

Very bad situation. Let it go, you have learned a valuable lesson, and not been hurt as bad as it could have been. They could have scammed or robbed you or abused the kids. GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES AND THANK GOD IT WASN'T WORSE. gOD bLESS FOR ALL YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH,

Dear V.,

I have to say, I am so impressed with your generosity and compassion toward this family. It is rare these days for people to reach out a helping hand to others in need.

I am sorry to hear that your friends are falling short of showing their thankfulness, respect, and responsibility. I'm sure that the husband began to feel the overwhelming sense of failure of not being able to provide for his family and perhaps, living with you, a family that is in-tact and has a home and security, caused him to take his self-hatred out on the very people willing to help.

It is disappointing that the wife is unwilling to remain friends and support the friendship between the children. However, she is probably needing to preserve her marriage and her husband's low self-esteem and wounded ego is needing her support right now.

Now is not the time for you to be angry, which it didn't sound like you are - you've been hurt. Their behavior was hurtful. The best thing you can do is to understand that they are struggling right now with frightening issues that threaten their family's foundation.

You had to do what you had to do in terms of asking them to leave. They crossed the boundary of respect and commitment to the original agreement.

I would gather your family together and allow everyone to talk about their feelings and what has been hard about losing these friends. Explain to your children that they are mad and sad that they don't have what all of you have right now and that they made a choice not to use their virtues of love, gratitude, and commitment.

As a family make the choice to forgive this family and perhaps have each person make a wish for them for 2009 that will help them be at their best again. You could write the wishes on pieces of paper and then burn them for a "cosmic release to the universe or to God." Tell the universe or God that you will not continue to dwell on this, but rather allow the universe or God to take care of them.

Bring closure to this chapter and let go so you can bring in fresh opportunities and more love into your lives.

If I can help further, let me know.

All the Best,
R.
www.noblemother.com
Certified Parent Educator, Coach, and Facilitator