Advice for Delicate Situation

You were right to stay out of it, polite to apologize, and would be wise to ignore the nasty comments. They were separated, so if he was ready to move on that was his business. What they are going through is personal and they should deal with those intimate details...not their entire social network. I think she should be grateful that you were tight-lipped and didn't fan the flames. You respected their privacy and I think that's the best thing you can do going forward. Even if it did sting her in the short run...

You were right to stay out of this if you want to remaine friends with her why dont you cll her A. no hills

Try to remain neutral.

I am in a similar situation. A long-time friend of my husbands started dating a woman about 14 years ago. They ended up getting married and she became one of my good friends and we took many family trips together.
About 2 years ago, he left her for another woman. She was devastated and heartbroken. I still loathe him for what he did to her, but I can't avoid him as he is still my husband's friend. All of the other friends have moved on and accepted the new girlfriend. I'm the only one still in touch with the ex-wife and I resent that she is now excluded from all events.

Divorce is ugly.... and not just for the couple!

The more people stay out of other people's business, the better. You did the right thing by saying nothing to the ex. Are the ex's friends (and your friends, too) mad that you didn't tell her? The fact that they were nasty to you without asking you what your take on the whole thing was should make you rethink the quality of all those friendships. Some time and distance should mellow people out. Perhaps in a month or two you can talk to the ex and the other friends and perhaps confront them on treating you so badly for a decision that you and your husband made that was intended to give everyone as much privacy and consideration as possible. That is, if you really want to invest that much into these friendships. God bless you!

It appears that you are the only woman who is actually an adult right now. If they were separated, then it's none of her business. (If he was cheating, there may be another side, but it appears that theseparated and he then went on to date.) If you told her about him dating, that would be gossip, childish and immature. If you thought it was aprropriate for her to know, then it should have come from her soon to be ex. These woman just like/need drama. Brush yourself off and don't defend yourself. There is no need. If someone treats you that bad, then they are not a friend. She might be upset and when she cools down, may come to you for more info, etc. Either way, you sound like you lead your life with dignity.

sorry this happened, but i have no advice. i have found that we never really leave the drama of high school.

You did the right thing by staying out of it. It was between the ex-couple, not you. It was none of your business and you didn't make it your business. Seems to me that they are scapegoating. It's easier to blame a 3rd party for something than it is the man you used to (still do?) love.

I think you should rest easy in the knowledge that you did right. I think you need to let the drama just pass on by. If asked, I think you should simply state very firmly that this was between the couple and did not involve you and that any action on your part would have resulted in much more nastiness.

Best of luck. Drama sucks.

J.-
Take the high road & don't fall into the childish behavior that the other women are having. If the ex it truely your friend, you will work it out. You have your family to think of & this negative behavior is not the best thing to show them.

I am sorry to say this, but I think you need to find new friends. I believe you did nothing wrong, as the husband was free to do what he wanted and it was not the wife's business what the husband did after he left her.

A lot of people in life who get hurt by their spouses actually look to have a problem with other people in their lives so they can instead focus on that issue, instead of the real issue which is that she is no longer with her husband. I think the official word for it is transference.

Again, I don't think you did anything wrong, and the friends involved are acting like first graders.

I think all you can do at this point is offer your support to both of your friends (the man and the lady who are separated). Let them know that you want to continue to be their friend, but that whatever problems they have/had in their marriage (including him having an affair when he is separated) are their business and you do not wish to be involved in that. You can be empathetic toward them that their marriage is having problems. At this point, you have to think of your own marriage and family first. Who cares what the ex's "friends" think? They are not and should not be your concern, as people who are like that are not genuine and cannot be friends with anyone. I would definitely avoid all of the ex's friends. If you happen to meet any of them in public, be civil and cordial, but don't talk with them about anything other than the weather, etc. (No topics of significance to you.) Remember, you made a decision and you don't have to justify your feelings or actions to any of them. People can be catty and at least you figured out how these people are. Even though it may make you feel better to address their comments, this will not change their opinion of you or your decision. Focus on your beautiful child and wonderful husband and forget about all this drama. You certainly don't need it.

Best of luck.

Hi J.,

What the husband (yup, he's still a husband if they're only separated) has done is bad form and he definitely should have told his wife he was seeing someone. If it did actually start after the separation, that's a little better, but not much. Naturally it's going to hurt her and it's going to hurt a lot, but it was HIS responsibility to tell her, NOT yours.

As to the women who are now verbally attacking you, shame on them! This is not about you. This is about a tragic break-up of a marriage. They should be thinking about it as such. Attacking you does nothing positive. If they want to be friends to the wife they should find ways to help her that are positive. Dwelling on the husband's choices is NOT positive. As a woman who has survived a cheating ex-husband (mine started before the separation), I can tell you, bashing other people in her support system (YOU!) is not helpful in any way.

You did the right thing in telling the husband he should tell the wife. You did the right thing in calling the wife. If I were you, I'd write each of the "friends" a note suggesting (nicely) that the best thing can do is to create a positive atmosphere for the wife. Bashing the husband and you may feel good in those "quart of ice cream moments" but they do nothing to heal ANYONE. That's what's called for here -- healing.

Good luck and I hope your "friend" comes to the realization that she's being petty and immature. If not, as I think you realize already, she's not a friend.

Hang in there.

M.

Some things never change...
Ok, This is simple, you know she is still hurt from the separation. She has just displaced her hurt onto you and the others who knew. She may feel betrayed, but this too is displaced. Friends can not expect others to come running with information after the fact. They are legally separated, moving toward a divorce and he began seeing another woman. This behavior did not begin before the separation, if it had, I think you may have handled this differently and you may need to explain that to her, when you are able to have a calm conversation. Invite her over to coffee, just say you'd like to clear the air and feel badly that she has misunderstood your intentions. Psychology 101 tells you she is hurt and hurting those she can. Instead of who she wants to, the man who has hurt her.
I hope she comes around, it may be a while, but leave the door open for her, she may need a good friend.
Good luck!

Hi J., You are not obligated to talk or pass judegment and share that or gossip with anyone on this subject. If someones says something to your face respond with a simple, "I prefer to say nothing on this subject" Stay out of people's business!!!
Her friends are trying to support her and are creating a situation that defends her hurt and pain, but creates more drama. Dont' jump in, you don't have to "do" anything. take care of your relationship with your husband and concentrate on your family for now.
That's the most important thing.
have fun with your husband! Guys hate the drama and stay out! do the same. believe me!!! D.

You did nothing wrong. It was her ex's responsibility to tell her. If the situation arises you may explain your reasons but I would not go out of the way to address anyone's nasty comments. My feeling is anyone who would be so uncharitable without letting you explain your side is not a good friend. As difficult as it is sometimes to ignore the "drama" your major concerns are your husband and daughter. Ignore the rest.

You did as your husband asked and didn't say anything. You did the right thing in respecting your husband's request.

He is the only person in this whole scenario you should even worry about NOT betraying (if that's the right word here).

You didn't betray his trust and I applaud you.

J., I really think that you are one of the mature minds in this situation. Your heart has been in the right place and the question that you posed with the male friend was your way of trying to have him handle the possible problem. It is their life and you, as the friend, unfortunately became involved by default. I think that you did all that you can by extending yourself by calling. I would maybe send a note in the next couple of weeks explaining that the hurtful words that are being said are the only thing preventing you from being more forward in contacting her and that if she ever wants to talk, that you are available...I honestly think that right now, the lines have been sdrawn (as she sees it, and it sounds like her other friends are encouraging) and that you will only find your feelings hurt more by trying. When the dust settles, if the friendship is that important to her, she will realize where you were coming from and why. If not, you at least will have already let it go..This has to be hard for you and in the end, you are who you are no matter what opinions other have of you!

~J.

"Do onto others as you'd have done to you". If you were in the same position would you want to know? I would. Your friend probably feels like an idiot - everyone knows but her, hurt that you kept it from her, etc. I totally see your point of wanting to stay out of it but sometimes friendships get tested.
Personally I would have told her soon to be ex that he has a week to tell her or that I was going to have to. He shouldn't put you guys in that position - if you can't say something isn't it along the lines of lying? Yes, they are separated and so it's not technically cheating. Why does the soon to be ex feel he needs to hide it then?
I agree w/ someone else's advice. You need to move past trying to justify your position and just be there for your friend. You can't tell someone how to feel. She's going through a separation/divorce...her world is being turned upside down. She's probably thinking you are choosing the man over her to continue on a friendship.
Just a different opinion to offer you.

Tell them to kiss your a$$. The two were separated, so who cares who he is sleeping with. If your friend is mad at you, then she has issues. If she was not ready to see him date other people, then she should have never gone along with the separation. Your friend should understand the situation you were in and the fact that your husband confided in you. If she does not understand, maybe her husband was the better friend.

well, this is crappy.

You have said what you need to say. If I were you I would give her time and space. Maybe in a month call her. Like you said, they were already separated. Sounds like this mouth that told her what was going on, and who else knew is the person you need to distance your self from. You did not do anything wrong. the ex, may see it diferently, but, you were stuck btwn a rock and a hard place.

emotions are flying high. Try not to be hurt by comments. Make a point of explaining that you wanted her ex to tell her himself and you don't want to be in the middle. She's angry and it may be coming out in the wrong ways. Give her time to gain some perspective and in the mean time try to be a good friend were possible and to stay out of it at the same time.

The problem is: the couple is making everyone else 'responsible' for their foibles. AND the big-mouthed interloper seems to purposely have caused trouble and stuck her nose into something that was none of her business PLUS she got other people in "trouble" too... when it is not their fault. Some people just like making drama/trouble for everyone. That "friend" of yours, is not a friend. Friends would not make nasty comments about others. They are showing their true colors now... so, take NOTE of that for future reference and be careful of how you "trust" them or not for later situations.

Don't fret over what you did or did not do.
Its not your issue. NOR YOUR responsibility NOR your problem. It is theirs. You did try to make it clean cut and tell the man to tell his Ex truthfully. He did not. Its not your fault. The woman found out from a meddling-gossiper. That is not your fault either.
People and cowards like that, ALWAYS try to blame others and implicate them.

Just remember all of their behaviors.... towards you, in this situation. Because.... it is not friend like.

All the best,
Susan

I don't understand why people is attacking you, I don't know what I would've done with the information, I don't think anyone knows. It's a hard position to be in. I think it right to think is not your place to tell your friend. But, you don't say for how long you kept it to yourself, or if at one point you interacted with this new person, without telling your friend. If any of this two possible scenarios went on for too long, then your friend is in the right to be hurt, and upset. If you care for this person friendship, have a heart to heart conversation with her (not just a voicemail), put yourself in her place. It's obvious you think she's having a hard time, she might be needing you. Good luck.

Wow, it is really ugly. The best thing is to stay away all together. When the dust settles you may be able to have a relationship with these woman but right now the emotions are too high because the separation is so new. It is not your responsibility to provide information to either being that they were equal friends. Brace yourself for the possibility of loosing all their friendships, this happens often in separations and divorce. Good luck and stay far away as possible do not answer phone calls and don't offer your opinion, you are a mother and wife and you need to focus on that.

i think you've gotten plenty of great advices and you don't need any more from me. but upon finished reading your post..i was like, "ay yay yay...drama".

I agree with your stance. Remain neutral and tell her that you value both the friendships and that this shows that you would not be telling him anything either if she should begin dating or any other thing that goes on. She should value that you won't be running to him with tales about her! Good luck!

I can't say what I would have done in your situation, but your choice was made (you decided it wasn't your place to tell) and now you should stand by that choice. So don't get sucked into this drama. You had your reasons- that it wasn't your business to play messenger or become involved- so state that simply to these drama-loving, trash-talking pals and move on. If they are mad at you or trying to draw you in, do not gush over defending yourself or explaining why you did not tell. Just be strong and simple in your statement that you did not feel it was your place to inform them of one anothers personal lives post-separation.

The more you stay strong and simple in your responses to their attacks on you, the more they will see that you are confident in your decision and you think you did the right thing. Then they'll realize they are being the petty ones and you were just doing what you thought was best.

Don't engage in this, let them say what they will about you, know that you did what you thought was right and YOU are NOT the reason this blew up.

I think you did the right thing by staying out of it. Two of our closest friends are getting a divorce. I was good friends with her and hubby was good friends/co-workers with the hubby. So we consider them both to be part of our family and we love their kids like nephews.

When we found out they were separating, we told them both that we would be there for both of them and the boys. We wouldn't take sides and if one of them told us something in confidence we wouldn't tell the other person. We did not want to get in the middle of them, but we love them both and will be there to support them both.

It's just a sticky situation to be in. I guess I can see how the wife felt you betrayed her, but she should also see that you aren't taking sides and that you told the hubby to tell her himself. That burden should not have been put on you.

Divorce is such an ugly thing...

Wow those "friends" are rude! NEVER be the one to tell...You tell her that you felt it was none of your business to gossip and that you weren't exactly sure if it was just a fling...AND they are NOT together anymore so u didn't know you were supposed to be reporting..its not like you were the one he was seeing!
If 2 people split up then guess what?? they're allowed to date and friends don't have to run to the other one and tattle tale...gross. You did the right thing..just sit back and watch b/c the one that told is going to wind up being the bearer of bad news and you know what they say..."shoot the messenger"

J.,
You were right NOT to say anything... Obviously they were seperated, and had their issues. If you are friends with both, it isn't right to make you choose sides.
If the situation was that they were together and trying to work it out and YOu saw him with another women, then I"D be mad at you,too!
You need to look at it from her perspective,,,If you were in her shoes....
Of course she is angry that her husband is with someone else, but is she angry because there was a hint of working things out????
She is probably very confused, and she might take it out on you because she cannot approach her husband.
Just "take it on the chin" and if she is a true friend she will come around. Just be there when she needs you, don't worry about the drama now, be there after the smoke clears.
A real friend would not put you in the middle of issues that do not involve you. Just try to stay positive.
W.

I find it interesting that you say you kept the news to yourself, something that your husband told you, and yet someone knew enough to go tell the ex. My guess is, you actually did tell someone which does put you in the wrong. Or your husband told someone that you both knew which puts him in the wrong. Otherwise, how would anyone know that you know?

If you honestly did keep it to yourself and your husband spilled the beans, then it's time to have a talk with your husband. But let's say you DID tell someone, who then went and told the ex. This someone is very obviously the town gossip and you need to be careful who you talk to about what kinds of things.

You've done what you could. Where do you go from here? You now realize that high school drama plays out outside of high school so you need to man up and put yourself above it. Take yourself out of that "loop" and make new friends. You didn't lie by staying out of it, however, omission of truth is just as hurtful as lying. If your friend is hurt and can't accept your apology, then that's her problem.
As to the friend's nasty comments, did you hear them yourself? I suggest asking her if she did say such things. If she denies them and you believe her, then continue to be friends. If she denies them and you don't believe her, find a new friend. If she admits she did it and apologizes, then accept her apology and continue to be friends, just be careful what you say to her.

I hate drama like this. Tell the woman that you REALLY did not want to get involved. It was not your business to tell. Tell her that you like them both and they are both your friends and you would like to keep it that way. It isn't fair for them to put you in the middle. Doing so they CHOOSE to not have you as their friend anymore. Each of them should be able to spend time with you and your husband w/o fear that what they do/say will be reported to the other. The other women just need to know that you will not discuss it with them. Leave it at that. You do not need to justify yourself to them. Tell them only that you want no part in it. Good luck

J. I think you did the right thing by staying out of it because it isn't your place to say anything. It was correct for you to tell your guy friend that he needed to tell the ex because that way you and your husband won't look like your in the middle of the whole drama. I think you should give your friend (the ex) a little time to understand your position and that you did the right thing...and about the others just pray for them and let them be children...because they are acting like they were in high school...

You did everything in your power for it to go the right way....Pray I think is the key to every situation...pray and ask God to help you say the right words to your friend who thinks you hurt her...and to help oyur other friends stop attacking you....well take care, God bless, good luck!

V.

You clearly did what you thought was best, you were not trying to deceive your friend but rather protect her, and you even asked her ex to tell her the truth himself. If her friendship is important to you, the best approach right now is not to justify your position, but simply to empathize with her- no matter what you would have done she would still be hurt, but she's hurt by him, not you. You can continue to support her (if you wish) by just empathizing with how horrible the situation is and how she must feel. As for her nasty friends, if they aren't important, don't worry about them- they are doing their job of supporting their friend (her) but it doesn't mean that they are right.

Hope this helps.

Hi J., I was in a similar situation some years back, the woman involved looked at my silence as betrayal, I know you were looking at they were separated, but sweetie separated is still married, right now she's hurt so she's not thinking clearly, give her a little time. Like you said you feel like you are in school, this can easily turn into high school behavior,as far as the other people who are involved go, I wouldn't address anything, all it will probably do is cause more drama this womans husband acted in inmorality and caused this mess, because he was indeed still a married man, and the woman who got involved with this married man, well I don't even want to get started on the one. Be there for your friend, she will come around and when she does she will need a friend. J. L.

You can't win.
Stay out of it. Face that you won't be friends with these people as before.
My mother always said not to take side with a couple like this because if they reconcile you won't be friends with either one. My experience is that you won't be friends anyway in many cases. Often ,even your friends don't want to be too close to you when they have a new relationship because you knew them before and knew the previous partner. Also remember that once married people almost always have some sort of relationship/connection with each other forever even if it is negative and hateful.
B. v. O.

Hello, I would try to tell your friend that what you knew was told to you in confidence and that you didn't feel right repeating it. I would then tell her that anything she tells me is safe and would not be repeated. If she can't understand that, then I wouldn't worry about her reaction. As far as the other cattie people, they are just fueling the fire.
Good luck with this.
K. K.

I think you did the right thing by staying out of it. It was not your information to tell. Whoever did tell and implicated you was wrong. I would not respond to the other comments and just give the ex some time. She probably had hopes of getting back together but this seals the deal so to speak and she needs time to deal with it.

Draw an imaginary circle around yourself. What ever is in that circle is your business. What ever is not in that circle is not your business.

You don't have to say something. You can just stand there. What people say to you is a reflection of how they're doing, not how/what you're doing.

Focus on raising your beautiful baby and taking care of yourself. That's a full time job onto itself.

I think she is angry and hurt - I can't blame her........but that does not give her the right to be mean to you. I'd let it go for now. You left a voicemail - maybe you could drop her a note in the mail - NOT EMAIL. Stand your position, and be kind. You did what you thought was best, and support her, and still want the friendship. You are sorry that she is so hurt. That's all you can do. Just be happy you are not in her position. I think you did the right thing. She'll come around. Don't gang up on her - just give her time to settle in with her - probably devastating news.
By the way..........how does a man who was just separated get seriously involved with another woman so quickly? My guess is that this other woman has been in the picture before the separation.........and his ex has been hurting longer than you know.