Need Some Advice - Sugar Grove,IL

M.,

Wow you really were slammed and are totally justified in feeling like the victim that you feel like you are.

Of course, hindsight is always more accurate than foresight, and based on the best available evidence at the time, you did what you thought was the "right" thing. In retrospect, if you knew what you know now, you would have made a different decision.

Your friends who stood by you before but who now are once again friendly with the family that still owes you money are NOT you, therefore their values and feelings are different than yours. Their experience of the folks who didn't pay you is different than yours, and therefore they behave differently. In short, they can still like your ex tenants.

AND still like you too!

So, you have learned a valuable lesson here. Although an expensive one. Business contracts are meant to be kept or are subject to legal action. These folks were your tenants and failed to keep their promise and as a result should have been evicted, or at the minimum required to pay late fees.

Next time, if there ever is one, you'll need to be up front about the contract and the consequences that each party will pay for failing to perform as promised...and make it clear of the legal remedies which will be applied...nothing personal about it. Just business.

AND that doesn't make you a bad guy. If neither party believes that they are capable of living up to their promises then they shouldn't make them. In your case, and don't interpret this as my blaming you, you didn't live up to your legal obligations to ensure your business by taking action to insure that payments would be recieved in a timely fashion.

Another way of looking at this is to think of yourself as an employee of the "M. and Her Husband and 5 year old Son Company" Your job, what you're getting paid for, is to insure that your tenants pay their rent timely and in full. For whatever combination of reasons, you failed to do this. So that does make you just a tad responsible. (Even if the tenants were absolute jerks).

Fortunately, aside from your disappointment and other uncomfortable feelings, that is all you suffered.

Keep your friends, even if they're imperfect, and remember that they are friends, not your parents who will accept you no matter what, well at least I hope your experience of your parents is or was that good.

Next time, think through your contracts carefully and treat them as the legal documents that they are, and that those contracts are totally blind to the emotional entanglements of friendship and love and caring etc.....unless they are specified in the contract!

Best Regards,

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

M.,
Dear even if you do or don't need the money there was the fact that you helped out a friend and even friends don't cheat friends. That is not a good friendship. From one woman to another woman that does not need the money (hence you could make the properties payments with out your renter payments) I have found the group of friends I had years ago were only my friends when I was nice enought to share my money or my standing in the community was to their benifit. I dropped a very close friend of 23 years from high school for the very same reason you are having issues with. You know what? I lost alot of so called friends and I see it now for what it was. I found I had very few true friends when it was all over. The back stabbing and two facing was amazing. I took the outlook that I did not want friends like this in my life or around my children. I just started over with what true friends I had and I have a new circle of very caring and true friends. Do you really want ppl like this in your childrens life or yours? Remember your children are watching to see how you are going to handle this and will follow your example. Your just going to have to let it go and move on. Don't deprive your self of going to functions either. If you happen to run into them just say hello and walk on. If one of them stop you to talk listen politely and nod alot and don't offer any information to your personal life. More than likely that is what they want anyhow. They want the latest news so they have something to talk about so they can continue their gossip. You can be polite and nice without getting dragged back into that ring of so called friends. You are not being the one that is being immature M.. Cheating your friend out of money and two facing with friends is very wrong and disrespectful. Your above that or it would not bother you. As far as your money well it cost you 1000.00 to find your true friends and true friends are priceless. Smile your doing fine without those type of ppl. C.'

Let’s be honest here – to say forget about it and move on is easier said then done! It seems to me that you looking for answers. Go find them! Call her! Go out for coffee with her. Then have a well thought plan of conversation, meaning, it is totally appropriate to write out on paper what you want to say to her and read it to her, then let the conversation begin. You don’t want to condemn her, but let her know that you were hurt – THAT is the main point here. If you read what you wrote, let you hubby look it over, you will be able to control the words you use so you don’t slam her. If you slam her or use condemning words, it is all over no matter what you say. Use gentle words, and then let her respond. There is NOTHING wrong with this! You want answers. Maybe the friendship will end forever right there OR maybe you both will come to a new understanding of each other and begin to mend – BOTH of you! She may be feeling the same way and have no idea how to make amends. Make the first move. THEN if it doesn’t work out, you can bless the friendship you had and let it go. Go – go – call her now! (but don’t make it an issue with any other friends, keep it between the two of you)

why not send the girl who did this to you a letter? Just facts is best. Your other friends need to learn on their own if this girl is a true friend of theirs.

This probably isn't what you want to hear BUT, here goes.
I would suggest you call your old friend. Perhaps you need to get together with her for a talk. Maybe there were circumstances back then that you weren't aware of. I know if I run short on money, I don't like for others to know. Also, it sounds like a "they said" situation. I think if you two would sit down and talk for a bit maybe you could be in the same room without bitterness. It would be awkward and a bit uncomfortable. Things will never be the way they were before but at least you could continue your social life and not have an enemy walking the Earth. I don't think I would ever get into a situation concerning anything financial with this friend again but you could come to a comfortable point with each other. If you feel hurt by what happened, sit down and tell her. Tell her, so and so told me you said this and it really hurt me. Make sure you get it all out. I've been in situations with shaky and what I thought were crushed friendships. More often than not, some communication closed the gap. A good talk goes a long way. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose? Shannon G.

I think the idea that you didn't need the money is so ridiculous and besides the point. They owed it to you and the behavior is awful. The fact that you are losing friendships over it is sad and wrong. If it were me I would have to confront the person and let them know exactly how I felt so I could purge all negativity. If you let it go forever, it will eat you alive. If you don't want to ask for the money, fine, but you should call this person out on their bad behavior!! And-- if you have friends that aren't friends with you over it, well, in my opinion those kinds of friends aren't worth having. I can't believe how adults behave sometimes. Just my two cents for what it is worth.

L.
Working Mother of four (soon to be five)

The problem with things like this, is they always seem worse with time. You were hurt by someone that you considered a friend. That kind of betrayal doesn't go away over night. I think that if you were to actually see her, in a group setting, you may find that you're not as mad or hurt as you think you are. It will probably give you a little closure too. I'm not saying that you have to go and be best friends with her again. Just attend a function that she'll be at. I'm betting that it won't be as hard as you thought. I've been in your same situation and I totally know how you feel. Don't lose your friends just because they are friends with her. Good luck with this. I know how hard of a situation it is.

I wanted to share a thought; I think your justifiably upset with both this woman as well as your other friends. I think though that you might find some solace in being the bigger person and saying "You know what, what she did was wrong, but I'm not going to allow that sour situation color my relationships with my other friends. I'm not their mom, I don't need nor want to control who they hang out with or what they do". And if you can do that maybe you can even hang out for a night with these people and this other woman.

No one said you had to like her. You don't really have to speak to her, other than civil exchange. Its not comfortable, no, but at least her dealings as a less than moral person are not getting the best of you. I think if this is a cause to lose some of your long time friends, not only did she get over on you financially, she "won" out on you emotionally too. And thats just not right!

Its good you've made other friends in a different circle. But try to put negative feelings to rest, and remind yourself you can do that because you are a better person than she is.

M.,
I had something similar happen to me and my family. We were renting a home from some friends, paid rent on time and treated the home as though it was our own. When we moved in we were told that the home never had a flood and it flooded terribly three times and we decided to move back to the city. When we told them we were moving, theysaid they would mail our deposit back to us and never did. Here it is four years later and we still haven't received our $1,500. I strongly suggest that you pray for them and move on. It's not worth getting upset about in the long run, because now those people that we thought were Christian friends are truly going through something terrible and they never thought that they would be where they are today either.

NO YOU ARE NOT IMMATURE. She will not see you because she is embarressed that she never paid you. She did not pay so that they had more money for the down payment. She used you! She is not a friend. I would not worry about her or the friends that left you for her.

You are a great person and deserve new friends that really care about you. By the way if they bad mouth her the do it to anyone including you.

I would have not lied to the mortgage company. I would have gotten a lawyer to get the money back. Here it is years later and you are still very hurt. I would send her a bill every birthday and christmas to get the point accross. My girl friend and I still talk about a place we worked where we were not treated fairly. I was fired because I was sick from a chemical at there facility and prosued charges. She had to quiet because the stress was so bad. She took 10 thousand call a day while other did not answer their phones. She had a 5% error ratio to others 25% with only 2500 calls. So you are not alone in being angry with other.

I do think you need to find a positive way to let it go. It is holding you back. Tell her it is a gift in a card on her birthday. Find a great card and tell her it is a gift. To bad it is to late to write it off as a loss on your taxes. Remember it is a gift when you let some borrow your possession especially if it is family or friends.

Life is short make new and better friends. Remember no one is as kind and honest as you are. You know yourself and your heart.

Best wishes for future friends.

I'm sorry for this situation M.. I think the only way we'd lend money to family/friends, or rent to them is if we had signed legal documentation regarding the situation. I think these things happen very often, and it makes it uncomfortable for everyone. Your friend should pay you back, period. Regardless of whether she thinks you "need" it or not. It doesn't matter, she should pay you. If she doesn't, then she is not a real friend. Regarding your other friends...that is a little tricky. I think the matter is between you & your friend who refuses to pay you back. It's a little unfair to expect your mutual friends to end their friendship with her because of this. I would try not to get them involved in the issue, and don't be hurt if they stay friends with her. Good friends are hard to come by. You can be good friends w/ these other people even if they stay friends w/ this woman.

I think you are a generous friend and that your old best friend and her husband really treated you poorly - by taking advantage of your generosity and not repaying you (as if you're needing/not needing the money back has anything to do with anything!) I think you are justified in feeling betrayed. I've heard before that lending money to friends (beyond a quick $20 for a meal or something) is a bad idea, and this just reaffirms it. You feel weird about asking for repayment & if it doesn't occur it can ruin the friendship.

I wouldn't let this stand in the way of your other friendships w/ the friends you two have in common. I think those friends are right to say it really is none of their business (it is just between you and her). I would try to maintain those friendships and just avoid the topic of this friend and her debt to you. I can understand why you'd remain upset w/ your friend - it's tough to forgive when the other person isn't remorseful. But if it were me, I'd try not to let it sour other friendships. For what it's worth...

First of all this is between you and your friend and nobody else. It is not right that they are not trying to pay you the money they owe you but try to be the better person. I always take a close look at my life and then I feel better and more understanding. It is nice not to owe anyone or be behind in rent. How do you think the mortgage company would feel about your lie to them? They our just people trying to make a living also and maybe now they are not getting paid either. Everyone does things differently and we don't always understand or agree. So try to be grateful for what you have and take this as an expensive life lesson. Don't rent to family or friends!

Your friend treated you badly, and you have every right to stay clear of her. No one needs friends who steal from them.

But I don't think you can really hold your other friends responsible for not wanting to stay in the middle of the conflict. Or, maybe you can, but human nature being what it is, there's no point in getting upset about it. I don't think you're immature to avoid being friends with her - that part seems wise. But you are not dealing well with it if it's preventing you from keeping other friends that you would like to socialize with.

Look at it this way - she stole your money and threw away your friendship. That's done. She can't hurt you anymore. Now you are the one who is letting her old bad deeds cause you more hurt. Your grudge and anger are keeping you from other opportunities and friendships.

Or maybe it's time to move on to a new group of friends completely. You don't tell enough in your note for me to tell, but maybe this group doesn't fit in with your life now in other ways. Maybe they are all irresponsible, or maybe your life is focused on other things right now. If that's the case, focus on making new friends. Either way, don't let what happened years ago make you unhappy now. Again, she has your money - don't let her have your happiness, too.

It's truely hard when friends dont side with you. I had a boyfriend cheat on me, and my best friend started hang out with the girl. It crushed me. I thought how could she like her. I didn't talk to that friend for two years because I felt so betrayed. I ended up running into her and started to cry.After we talked for a long time and she explained that the girl who slepted whith my boy friend was very lost and needed a friend very bad.The point to my story is people do thing to protect them selves and family. could your friend and her husband get a house if they paid you. Could they afford to pay all there bills if they pay you small amounts? She must have some good things about her or she wouldn't have been your friend, well that's what all your other friends see in her, because she didn't wrong them.It will hurt until you comfront your feelings with the girl and your friends. Try to find comfort in the fact that your a great person for helping your friend, and when your a good person people will take advantage of you, because unfrotunatly people aren't that good. Good luck.

If you don't have the rental agreement in writing and you decided to fudge the amount they paid in rent to help them out even though they were late in the rent; you should let it go. Is the money worth loosing your other friends. I ask that because we sold a bunkbed set to some friends on a payment plan, and when the husband was out of work we helped them out with rent. When things turned around they didn't pay us back. I was hurt at first because she invited us over and was showing me the kids bedroom with all of its matching curtains and bedspreads that she paid good money for. Not once did she mention the money they owed us. I decided right then to let it go. I could either upset myself constantly over it and make myself sick or let it go. We were never close after that but by letting it go I didn't put a wedge in our mutual friendships.

I think that would bother me too. But you can't let her isolate you from your friends. I say, don't avoid things because of her - go ahead and go to things, be cordial to her, but have fun that you want to.

I would also try to reach out and develop some more friends that don't know her, so you can have a larger base.

I personally would not be friends like that with someone. She sounds like a toxic personality and life it too short. However, (and I do totally understand it) I do think it is unfair to expect other people to be your friends if they are and vice versa with your enemies. People decide for themselves whom they like. I would let it go and move on as best you can to get away from it and stay away from her. Make new friends as well if that is what is needed to move on.

Wow that's a loaded friend. I wouldnt be her friend if she did that to another one of my friends so you arent thinking wrong. Maybe because it hasnt happened to these other "friends" of yours yet that's why they are overlooking her behavior towards you. You are not immature; you are a responsible friend who tried to help her friend out. Unfortunately, she is not as responsible and does not value true friendship like you do.
I had a situation with a "friend" where it came from left field and felt like I was the one that was wrong. The one thing I learned is I did what I did in that situation that was not wrong ( just like you did). The friend ( similar to yours) made the choice and decision to handle the situation the way they did and they will have to accept the consequences. You dont have to apologize to these other ladies or explain anything to them. They will learn soon enough what you have experienced. Maybe its time for a new group of friends. Good luck and I hope this made sense!!

If you really want to be part of this group, attend things and be polite, (the operative word).
In other words, say "Hello" and move on to converse with other people.
Since it bothers you so much though it might be better for your mental health to avoid the group if the above is too difficult.
OR you could just "eat" the whole situation and go on as if nothing had happened.
Such situations are so painful.
Sometimes putting yourself in the other's shoes is helpful.
I cannot imagine that your former friend was not embarrassed down deep at what they did and said.
I hope that you are able to resolve this because if it eats at you, you are the one who is suffering, not them.

She did wrong but it is now affecting you. Bad feelings tend to fester and nothing good comes of them. I would try to get this out of your mind, try not to discuss it anymore and move on. I have a visual that I use. It is Monet's Lilly pad. I float my troubles onto a lilly pad and move them into the sunshine of the lake.

Since you did not take your friend to court and you have forgotten about the money, forgive your friend and go on with your life. It is immature to hold other friends to your any of your hurts from others. The person did not do it them. You have let this cause you to be bitter and rule part of your life. Pray and ask God to help you forgive your friend. That does not mean you have to hang out again, but it will enable you go on with your life as a whole person. Holding grudges will make you ill. It does not seem to be affecting your friend, so why should you let it mess up you life. My sister just over me used to want me to be mad at the people she was mad at. I told her she was not going to put that on me. She has now grown up and we talk about offenses, but she does not try to make me be offended with her. A very good book to read on how to deal with offenses is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. I believe it will help you as it did me for some other offenses I was holding on to.

A little about me:

I am mother of ten. My husband and I have been together for 39 years.