Major Issues with My Husband's Brother and Our Sister N Laws

Wow....I'm so sorry.

Some things you never really move on from... Even if at some point you are able to forgive her, you will never forget. My advice is this, she apologized, whether she truly meant it or not you will never know. You will probably feel better believing she did mean it. So accept her apology.

That does not mean you have to be her friend. You do not have to talk with her often. On the rare occassions you do she her at family events. Be polite and nothing more.

Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends... and appreciate the good ones all the more when we hear such tragedies.

Listen, I have similar mistrust with my very own sister. You will never, and should never, trust anyone who treats your heart so despicably, but you sadly cannot shut the door entirely. So, be nice.

It kills anyone that is that cruel to see you acting oblivious to them. Be nice.

I had one gal who was trying to pick a fight with me in public. I looked at her and said "Merry Christmas" with a small smile (it was xmas). She turned and stormed out the door. What can she say to kindness? Nothing. Do you see where I'm going?

It takes practice, but it ends up being a whole lot of fun. Have catch phrases: "Oh good point. Let me think about that a bit." "Huh, I never saw it that way." "Thank you so much for pointing that out." Don't do it mockingly... that feeds them... just be nice. It kills them everytime :)

I completely understand your anger with Jan - but now that she's out of the picture, I think that solves your problem with her. As for your brother in law and other SIL, I suggest accepting what they're saying as truth and moving on. It will be the healthliest for you. I can't say that I'd act much differently in the same situation. I was always told that if I have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. If I had someone forward a mocking email to me, I would probably delete it and ignore it as well. I was always told that if you give attention to people for doing bad things, it only encourages them. I would have probably ignored it. I don't think Sarah meant this as a slap in the face to you - it was just an uncomfortable situation. I can understand why you're hurt and frustrated (my nephew is also on the spectrum and being treated by a DAN doctor - and Jan had NO right to question the course of treatment you were following!!! Especially if it's helping your sons!) Further, living with 2 children with autism in your house has got to be a big strain - and she simply can't understand that.

Overall, my best advice is to forget about the nastier ex-SIL and forgive the other.

Dear S.,

Your husband has been supportive so far, and you were in a very crazy situation with a person that was a jerk. And when you have a difficult person in your family, the ramifications are going to trickle down and extend to other people. Brenda is tryng to stop those ramifications, and you should too, for the sake of your family. You are making a lot of assumptions about Brenda, you didn't say any proof of what she thiks of you, and this has gone on for awhile. It sounds to me, from what you said, that Brenda was just trying to deal with Jan in the best way she knew how and you don't believe a word she says. That is your choice, but realize that choice will have ramifications. Brenda and her husband apologized and Jan is out of your life. It may of not happened the way you would of liked it to happen,( With Brenda protecting you sooner) but it is over, and you need to move on. Accept their apology and try to keep the relationship. You may not jump in and be super close with them at the beginning, but it can evolve. This could be a blip in your relationship. Otherwise, sorry to say, you are going to be known in the family as the dificult one. Don't let Jan's actions keep ruling your life. I'm not trying to be harsh, you were definitely in a bad situation, and now it is time to sit back, take a deep breath, and think, where do I want to take this, and am I willing to do the things necessary to let it go? Negative feelings will eat you up insde, don't let that happen to you.

Okay the victory is Jan is history.
Secondly, both Brenda and Eric might just be intelligent enough to realize they have been negligent, for lack of a better word, in not putting a stop to Jan's lack of respect and self centeredness at the get go. Jan obviously is a bully, since she has to go to such lengths to make someone else look bad and herself like the center of the intelligence universe. Lesson learned for all who came in contact with such a toxic person.
Brenda and Eric probably also understand that even after offering their apologies that it will not be a real fast recovery on your part and that you will justifiably treat them with suspicion and distance. Anyone who can't understand that is beyond help.
There's nothing wrong with hitting the delete button. If they read one or two emails from Jan, there's nothing wrong with deciding to ignore further stuff from her. They didn't want any part of her.
Eventually you'll all heal. But be realistic, all of you, to know it will take time. Betrayal hurts. Leave yourselves open to healing. It doesn't mean you need to jump back into confiding in them. Trust is earned. Remember too that it was Jan you confided in and trusted and who betrayed your trust.
I'd be interested to know how you eventually did find out. Who stepped up to the plate to let you know Jan was a first class vetch. Maybe if you knew that you could start to heal by thanking that person. Otherwise it would've gone on until this divorce.

Hi, Wow that is really something. I can completely understand your distrust. The only advantage you have is that you live far away. Thank goodness they don't live in the next town. You can't completely stop the relationship with your in-laws. They are your son's grandparents, aunts and cousins and it sets a bad example for your kids. For now, I would not confide in any of them and keep the relationship on a professional level. If they call, reply and let them know everything is "fine". Life is good, kids are good and what did they want anyway. Email the same. The less they know about your family, the beter. If you need someone to talk to at a more personal level, try to find some girlfriends out in Colorado (join a church or some type of community activity) Hopefully you don't have to see the in-laws often and can maintain some type of relationship. Good Luck

Hi S.,

Aren't family dynamics fun! It sounds like Brenda and Jan thrive on chaos. It is amazing how some people love to have "fun" at the expense of another. I have a similar situation, a sister-in-law who loves to create family squabbles, especially between herself and my mom. My brother turns a blind eye and stands by his woman. It's been going on for 20 years. People like that do not change. You have enough on your plate with 3 little ones. Don't get sucked into any of it! Live your life, take the high road and be cordial and polite, love on your hubby and forget her past antics. Don't waste any more energy on her past or future garbage. She is stealing your JOY! :)

Hi S.

Read your big story and felt bad. There are people like that in the world.I will be careful too.

You move on with the world. Don't bring the bad things in front there are many many good things to enjoy. Forget about it. Enjoy your boys and family. If you do that your husband will like that too. Then after 20 years this will not matter at all.

Love C.

Hello S. - well I really haven't got any personal advice for you but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you were hurt so badly by this awful woman Jan. I can't even imagine how betrayed you feel. I think Brenda is an absolute idiot too - she knows she should have stopped the situation but has no backbone or perhaps she secretly enjoyed the emails too. Brenda is obviously trying to reach out to you - perhaps you can talk to her but on a very superficial level. Never trust her again. I know your husband feels bad because he wants contact with his brother, but I think he needs to support you in whatever you choose - after all it was his family that behaved so terribly. Be strong, make new friends and enjoy your children - all the best - Alison

I am sorry this happened to you. Can I just say, What a Jerk! Well, could it be that Jan may be the "crazy" one in the family and quite possibly Brenda is telling the truth. I know that I have people who send me emails that I don't want and I just delete them, but haven't said anything to them. It also sounds like Jan is a strong personality, which can be hard to deal with. I wouldn't sign Brenda off yet, but would let her know how hurt you were. Especially now that Jan is divorced, it really sounds like you are not the black sheep. Her response to you was bad, but what you wrote in your emails was not and if people take issue with it, too bad for them. They shouldn't have read it in the first place.

Hi S.,

Let this situation make you BETTER and not BITTER! fORGIVE THEM BOTH! and then you will be able to move on once you have done that stop talking about it period and when it comes up in your mind as bad thoughts CONTROL your thoughts and think about positive things only! You can forgive and love a person at a distance which is what you may need to do with Brenda. I always say everyone can not handle my business so i have stopped confiding in people and talk more to GOD and my husband.

With Love
Cherie

Hi S.,
My best advice, as difficult as it may seem, is to forgive. Right now, Jan, Brenda nor Eric are in any real pain over any of this. However, it is affecting you, your husband and maybe even your son. I do believe in the old forgive, but not forget theory. Forgive and try to move on, but stay on guard with Brenda. At least until/if ever she earns your trust back.
This may seem hard, but forgiving others weaknesses and idiocies really, really, really helps you to heal. Jan may have attacked and hurt you, but she is truly the one who needs prayer and therapy. In my opinion, mean, hurtful people usually have major insecurities, self esteem issues and big character problems. Don't let this type of person hurt you any longer. Forgive and move on. As far as Brenda, you really don't know 100% whether she was involved with Jan's poor behavior or not. I would be careful around her, but still treat her with kindness. Return her calls and try not to worry too much. Even if she still talks to Jan... WHO CARES? Jan does not deserve your time, your thoughts or your worries any longer.
I hope you heal soon.
J.

S., honey--

You need some real friends, nothing like these 2 women. They were probably both jealous of you. For all you know, Brenda just wants to start the joke going again. You don't live near her, you don't have to see her or talk to her, and no, I wouldn't let the relationship with her start up again. Make some real friends in your own area (start with church groups, maybe, or neighbors, or your children's classmates' moms), and please move on from this painful episode. I know it's hard, we all dwell on hurtful things people have done to us in the past, but you have to move on to heal. Good luck to you--

H.

Hi S., you did not mention how you learned about the forwarding of these e-mails? No matter, venting about MIL, natural, however, touchy when venting to the sister-in-law, who obviously does'nt see your point. Was the MIL ever told what you said. Why did'nt you go streight to the MIL with your concerns? Any exactly what roll did B. play in any of this? Sounds tacky, what they did, and having no real concern for the children, untolerable. I would talk to them tho, but defently at a distance, when your most worried about what they are saying about you, these woman will only be thinking about themselves. So don't let them have any of your attention. In the future, say something to a friend in confidence, then wait to see if you here the story go around, test things out to know who you can confide in and who you can't. People person, stylist for over 20yr. and I've herd alot, but never tell, next time confide with your stylist, generally they keep a good story to themselves, and simply offer good advice. Best of luck to you.

Hi, S.

Now that you know what's been going on, stop giving up the ammunition and move on. You have allowed small-minded, hurtful individuals control over your emotional well-being ... STOP IT! Stop worrying about what they feel or think about you. Concentrate on yourself and your immediate family. Consider the matter over, NOW. MOVE ON! I am assuming that the sisters in law are members of mamasource in this area and that you wrote the letter for their benefit. DONE! Get on with your life, love yourself, your husband and children; respect your inlaws and communicate as needed. Join a mom's group in your area and participate. Remember, whatever comes out of your mouth or, in this case, put out there in writing CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK, EVER! You've learned a very hard lesson ... appreciate what you've learned and go forward. It will get better.

Praying for your peace of mind,
A.

HI S.
I'm sorry you had to experience this in the family. My first thought was she was so miserable, and wanted to switch the focus from her failing marriage to anything else. And you (sound like) a caring person, and not in town would make an easy target. It could have all been a lot worse. You could have been a very grumpy person and said very mean things about the family and then had them passed around.
As to the getting over it part, I feel to hold onto that pain just holds you back. I know it's hard to get over this sort of stuff. I've done it as well. Getting over it and being friendly doesn't mean you have to trust your SIL, or devolve personal info ever more. But to rise above whats been done and give them a good example of what a good person is. To hold onto that pain she caused still gives her a victory over you. And you learn how much to trust the parts of the family (as sad as that is). I hope in time you will find this a growth experience and be a stronger person for it.
Good luck, A. H

Fist, I completely understand how horrifying this must have been. I was in a similar situation once and I think the worst thing was making too big of an issue of it. I really wish I had taken the high road and let it appear that it had not bothered me as deeply as it had. In the end, things worked out (like the divorce you mentioned) and many of us moved on and got over the terrible gossiping and hurt feelings of the time. I just wish I had been able to do that earlier and I hope you can too. A few years from now it will be clear that Jan was the problem and everyone will think back on her behaviors badly. Just try to make it so that they aren't also thinking of your reaction at the same time (harder to do than say!). Good luck S.!

Hi S.,
First: I am sorry to hear about how poorly you were treated by your husband's side of the family. No doubt this has been a very difficult thing to experience and deal with; both my heart and my prayers go out to you as you continue to work through this and deal with it.

Second: My advice to you -
you do not have to be Brenda's best friend; she is still your sister-in-law and she has apologized, and is probably ready to put it all behind her too. It is SO hard when there is broken trust - the relationship most likely will never be the same again, and it's hard too, b/c you know Brenda is still in touch with Jan. So, again, she (Brenda) does not need to become this major trustworthy figure in your life. Look to other relationships (i.e. with God, your husband) and other friendships for that. As ideal as it would be to have wonderful relationships with those in our family, and especially as women, sisters and sister-in-laws - sometimes it just does not happen as we'd like it to. And that's okay - again, you have your husband, children and other people in your life to fulfill that need. And I will mention Jesus Christ too, because He is the ONE and ONLY friend you can truly trust and count on to never betray you. Please message me back if you'd like to talk more about that.

Brenda has apologized. As difficult as it is - please consider forgiving her and letting it go, as you move on. You have 3 children who are going to be impacted negatively if you hold a grudge toward this woman Brenda the rest of your life. I'm sure the last thing you want is more family rifts. Plus, your husband is really desiring to see you healed in this as well; listen to what he is saying to you as well, it sounds like he has been extremely supportive and on your side with all this. I'm sure he understands the severity of it, but he is a man, not a woman and he's not wired how we woman are. He's going to look at this through different eyes. Think about it: when something negative happens to him, does he tend to get mad, work through it, and get over it and move on quicker than you usually do? Most men do! Most guys aren't wired the same as we women are; they don't respond on the same emotional level most of the time we do, and that's okay, that's part of what makes us so different! So pls don't start to look at him as the enemy in this situation. Keep talking to him about how you are feeling but get his feedback too and listen to what he is saying. Ask him to help you get over this. Be the bigger person than Brenda has been: forgive, move on, and just be more careful who you trust and with what info, on your hubby's side of the family. I speak from experience, as I've been betrayed in the past by female friends - very hard to go through! - but forgiveness and grace are 2 great gifts - not only to those you are forgiving but to yourself (and your family) as well. It is freeing.

God bless you as you continue to work through this - again, I will pray for you,
J. D.

S., I read your letter last night and decided not to respond but I woke up thinking about it and here goes.

You didn't say how you found out about Jan forwarding your e-mails but the thing is you did find out and you had a chance to confront everyone involved - clearly, however they responded to you wasn't going to satisfy you or stop you from being traumatized or devastated and you continue to classify Jan's behviour as evil and cruel.

So... does your mother-in-law know that you were "venting" and that you recounted your personal conversations/interactions with her to Jan? How do you think it would make her feel? Were you being evil and cruel?

These people do not live near you and you are not required to have regular interactions with them. So choose not to be friends with them, be polite but cool at family gatherings and let it go.

Find a local group of moms who have kids with autism and find some friends locally (not always easy but a far better use of your energy).

Quite frankly S., although this was an unpleasant thing to happen, your letter is full of self pity and appears to have made a huge mountain out of a molehill. Jan was definitely out of line but even the best of friendships can turn sour if one friend is always complaining and feeling sorry for themselves and that is perhaps one excuse for why Jan stopped looking at your e-mails as friendly communication and started to get frustrated and forward them to other people to get their input (kinda like venting about your MIL doncha think).

People are not angels, we are all people with our own faults (you included) but one of the greatest things we can do as humans is to forgive, forget and move-on (not always easy, but clearly, after a year and many counselling sessions, it's time).

I don't wish to be mean but the sooner you can let this go the sooner you can get on with being happy again.

I am not trying to be mean, but there are so many worse things that could happen to you and your family!! Suck it up, be cheerful and stupid when you have to regarding Brenda! THIS IS NOT WORTH ALL THIS DRAMA!! Your husband could get fed up with this and you could end up divorced too. NEVER ask a person to choose between you and his family! THAT, in my opinion, is worse than anything Jan or Brenda did!!!