hello moms;] I had a fallen out with my sister n laws and mother n law when my husband died of cancer in 2008. They have contacted me and asked if tthey could come see the kids. They want to save money on the hotel, and asked if it was ok for them to stay with us. There has been really bad blood between us, and we did alot and said alot to each other. we've been trying to patch up our relationship little by little but i still feel a little wierd.they were my family for 12 years and i feel i should give it a shot. What do you guys think?
I would tell them that you are willing to allow them to stay with you with the understanding that if there are problems they will seek a hotel or other arrangements. Either way...set a time limit and ground rules.
I think it would be nice to see them, but better in a hotel. Is there one nearby that you could maybe split the cost with them? My parents always stay in a hotel when they visit.
Tell them that they are welcome to visit, but that you cannot accomodate them in your home. It would be REALLY awkward if an uncomfortable situation arises and they stayed at your house.
Sure, they want to save money - it just doesn't sound like a good idea.
Good luck!
I know they want to save money and all, but you still need to protect yourself. Since everything is not all good yet---I would still insist they stay in a hotel. They can find a very affordable hotel/motel if they search and can split between the two of them. What happens if they let loose and really fight with you and things get worse?? Thats why I would insist they stay at a hotel. That way you have your space and they have theirs--- Good luck to you and so sorry about your husband.
M
Find a nearby Motel 6 or Super 8 or something like that
and spring for half the cost, or whatever deal you can negotiate.
Do not let them stay in your home.
Note that, unlike some of the MILs in other notes on this site,
they didn't say "We're coming and we're staying with you."
They ASKED if they could stay with you.
That is very very good, imo.
Since money is tight for them, you may want to provide meals
and transportation but I think you need to keep your personal boundary
re not letting them stay in your home until you get a sense
of just how intrusive they might be.
My condolences on the loss of your husband.
For your own sanity, I would limit the visit to 3 days or less. If your difficulty with them started during the time that your husband was ill or not too long after his passing (I'm sorry for your loss BTW), then changes are that emotions were flying high for you, your SIL and MIL. I've noticed that when someone passes away, sometimes that is when a lot of fights start up amongst the remaining family members. There maybe some legitimate gripes out there but I have to wonder how many of the fights are fueled by grief.
It's good for your children to have a continuing relationship with their aunt and grandmother. One trick that I employ when I have to deal with disagreeable people is imagining that they are characters in a comic book. Whenever they say or do something offensive or rude, given this visual image, I have to chuckle to myself because here is this character doing this wild and crazy thing once again just like they have been doing throughout the story. This is just my way of not getting pulled into other people's drama and not taking what they say or do personally.
Hope this helps.
I say go for it. It would be nice if your kids got to know them.
I think you can avoid putting yourself in such an awkward position. I think you can tell them you think it best they stay in a hotel. Invite them to dinner or something at your home. Please know it is more than okay to protect yourself. You are not responsible for their financial decisions.
Limit the amount of days they can stay.
Therefore, you NEED to speak up... diplomatically and tell them your boundaries.
Ditto Molly S. below.
You still need to be on guard.... and look out for yourself.
You do not want them, taking over your life or trying to over-run you... or your kids.
HAVE 'rules' for your kids... if they are old enough, teach them that YOU are their Mom, and YOU have the last say... that is what we taught our kids... per their over-bearing relatives. My kids, understand perfectly. They only go according to us...
Don't expect miracles.... be on your guard.
AND you have been on non-speaking terms with them for so long... and have bad blood with them. So... be wise.... not gullible.
Tell them, that you can't have them stay with you... but in a hotel.
all the best,
Susan
As long as it's a short visit. I would be afraid of them overstaying their welcome and stirring up those bad feelings you're trying to leave in the past.
My husbands dad and wife came for a visit a couple of weeks ago, we have been together for five years and I had never met either of them. My husband and him had a falling out years ago and on my husbands end there was no attempt for communication. We just recently welcomed baby number 2 and after several talks with my husband I convinced him to get in touch and arrange a visit so his dad could meet both his grandchildren.
They didnt ask to stay here, they were here for four days. They stayed at a hotel a block away from the house and I think that is part of the reason why things went so smoothly. Because this is the first visit in two years after some bad blood I would tell them it would be best if they stayed at a hotel near your house. Maybe if everything goes off without a hitch and they come for another visit then you can have them stay with you. We ended up having a wonderful four days and when they come back for another visit if they want to stay with us more than likely it will be fine but I would not have done it for the first visit.
Hope everything goes well for you and your kids!
Do not let them stay in your home. I love the idea of helping them with meals & transportation, but there have to be some boundaries. If you had a falling out & the relationship is still fragile, having them in your home could get hairy. At least if the visit doesn't go well, they have their own place to stay and you have your safe haven all to yourself. No one likes to feel uncomfortable in their own home. And be honest, that's how you would feel. Maybe if this visit goes well & the relationship truly is on the mend, they can stay with you next time. If they really want to spend time with the kids and be part of their lives, there will be a next time.
welcome to come for a meal but get their own hotel. THat is just not a good idea. I think making an effort to patch stuff up and be closer is great but houseguests is just to big of a leap after bad blood.
Definitely they should get their own place to stay. It's great that both sides are attempting to make ammends but I agree with Molly S. you need to protect yourself and your family. My mother-in-law just spent 5 days with us over the holidays, we are on good terms. However, when it was time for her to leave - it was time! I couldn't imagine putting myself in such an uncomfortable situation. Just explain that you want to take it slowly. If they can't come and get a hotel room, then maybe they need to wait for a visit until they can.
Absolutely give it a shot. What is better than trying to make amends with family. Reach out and embrace them and let the old ways die and bring in the new year with a new relationship! - At least for the sake of your children
3rd to what Molly said...they need their own space.
Yes! I would bet that part of the "falling out" had a lot to do with the emotions around the death of your husband. It probably took a lot for them to contact you in the first place. I'm sure that once y'all are back together that the wierdness will go away. I think that it will be good for everyone, especially the kids! Good luck!
It depends....
Was the falling out over bad behavior over time? Or around the time all of you were dealing with soul wrenching grief? If the second, then welcome them with open arms.
Because I come from a Southern family ("family is family"), I always ASSUMED I'd stay with my sister when I moved out west - even though I had stopped speaking to her 2 year earlier for a totally valid reason. And she assumed the same (yay!).
I did stay with her. We talked about what had happened. We cried. She apologized. It's been 20 years & we couldn't be closer. If I had stayed somewhere else, it wouldn't have happened. I am SO GLAD that she welcomed me.
If something happened with my DH and years passed & I felt my my MIL (see previous post on MIL and one on NPD) truly was trying to patch things up with me and wanted to come see her grandkids, I'd welcome her as well. But I'd be scared.
Good luck!!!!
