Mother in Law Demanding to Be in Delivery Room During Baby's Birth

You're not asking too much, J., and you shouldn't be "asking" for what you need at this demanding time, but "telling" people clearly what you expect from them.

There is a firm and respectful 4-step way to do this.

(1) You acknowledge the other person's needs with friendly gratitude. Say something like: "I'm glad to hear this baby's birth is important to you. It sounds as though you have made being here a priority. I appreciate the love that you are expressing." (Or whatever seems most true about your MIL's needs and intentions.)

(2) Use the magic word AND instead of BUT to make the transition from her needs to your needs.

(3) State what you NEED to feel comfortable about the upcoming event. Be clear, and don't sound apologetic. Just stay calm, friendly, and adult. (Practice in front of a mirror, a friend, or your husb.)

(4) Don't make excuses, no matter how tempting, or put the reasons/responsibility for your needs on anyone else (not even a doctor). Excuses open your legitimate needs to interpretation and argument, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings. (Those could happen anyway, but they are not your business. Your needs, and your family's needs, are your business. You really can't control how someone else feels, and they can only control how you feel if you allow it.)

So your request might come together something like this: "Wow, MIL, I'm so touched that you want to make this event a high priority in your life. AND I notice that I'm not comfortable with your plans. I have learned that I NEED PRIVACY during the birth process, and expect that I WILL WANT CALM for several weeks while I'm recovering. I do not want to have guests in my home, because I know that I will be distracted about trying to be a good hostess and housekeeper. I DO NOT WISH TO DO THAT before or after this delivery. I do like the idea of your being nearby in a hotel for a few days, if that will work for you, so that you can spend some time with the baby and your other granddaughters when we have the time and energy. I know I will not want more socializing than that. And I thank you for your offer - I recognize that you are willing to make sacrifices to be here!"

Finally, realize that you are a grownup. Not only can you do this, but you will feel fabulous (I know from repeated experience as a former pushover, expecially with my own mom). You can practice on your husband first with this process, because it will help tremendously if you are on the same team during this event. But even if he doesn't agree to help you keep MIL at bay, you can still be firm, calm, polite and unyielding in expressing your needs to her. She is likely to respect you more for it, even if she feels miffed in the short run.

My best to you. I hope you'll do a follow-up "what happened."

Good grief--- she doesn't want much, does she?? -- talk about inappropriate. I'm so sorry, J.- -so here's my suggestion:
1. regarding your birth experience: You calmly announce that your ob has made a rule for all of her deliveries that ONE family member may be present during births- that is his/her rule and you can't talk him/her out of it'''' and natch- your husband is the one. period - no argument- . You could also say ''' no - this is a personal experience between my husband and me and that's our decision'''' again- period- no argument.

2. Regarding the incredible demand that you put up some unknown # of people - you calmly announce that as a neonatalogist and in consult w/ the babies' pediatrician - NO HOUSEHOLD GUESTS FOR AT LEAST 90 DAYS AFTER THE BIRTH --- or 6 months - or whatever the heck you want. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? - ( and no, that does not mean that Christmas is almost 90 days after ) - you will need to be resting, paying SOME attention to the first 2 children and some to the new baby - ---- AND HEALING. JEEZ ( sorry, will stop screaming in rage for you now) I had 3 children- and after my 3rd---was inflicted --- I mean was invaded for a weekend ( my sons' baptism weekend) and thought the baby and I would be ill with fatigue and stress for months after- it was awful and turned what should have been joyful into a darn mess -- don't you dare let them do that to you. What you COULD do -- and I'm drop-dead serious is say - very calmly and with no-argument-allowed --'''' if you want to come to Seattle that week--you'll need to make arrangements for hotels or other living arrangements - and my pediatrican says '''' the baby can only be available to extended family for one hour daily until the baby is -----------x many months old'''' -- be conservative- these are not people whose presence is helpful or ordinary- and so will be bringing new germs - new - whatevers - be selfish, conservative and I pray you do-- you deserve some peace. I do assume that your husband will back you up--- as the poor guy would be the chief entertainer for these uninvited folk.

Blessings, dear heart-- be strong- whatever you set up now --you'll be so glad you held your ground come early winter-

been there - wish I'd done it differently-
Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

is it possible that she did not mean "be in the delivery room" when she said "won't miss this baby's birth"? perhaps she just wants to be close by, so make sure that's actually what she wants before you make any assumptions.
let her know that you guys are NOT okay with having family over for thanksgiving. "i'm sorry, but with a new baby we just don't feel our house will be the appropriate place to host a holiday. maybe next year we can host, but we are unwilling to do so this year." and then be firm about it. let her know that next time, she needs to ask before she assumes that it's okay for the family to join together at your place.
as for her wanting to be there for the baby's birth, give her the job of staying with your 2 little girls while you guys are at the hospital. "i'm so glad you're coming! you know, the girls would LOVE to spend some time with their grandmother one on one before they baby gets here--could you stay here with them while we go to the hospital? and can you bring them after the baby is born so they can meet their sister and you can meet your new grandchild?" then arrange for someone else to take the girls home so your MIL can have some bonding time with the new one, without the distraction of having to watch her other grandchildren. if she makes noise about wanting to be in the delivery room, let her know that while you understand she wants to be a part of this baby's birth, the best way she can do so is by staying with the girls, because you and your husband really want the birth to be a private matter and furthermore, you want to make sure your children are with someone they love and enjoy so they don't feel any negative emotions regarding the baby's birth. let her know that her staying with the girls, rather than the girls staying with a sitter, will really help you guys out.
if your mom is going to be in the delivery room, don't mention that part. if your MIL picks up on that fact, you're going to have some hurt feelings because then it's going to feel more personal than it already is. that has the potential to foster a very negative relationship between you two, and no one wants that.
good luck with everything, i hope you get a positive outcome.

It's your house, and your life. If you don't want the intrusion, tell her no! Find a way to be polite about it, of course. But stand your ground. Maybe your husband would be a good resource for finding a way to politely deter her. Seriously... who needs that kind of stress?! Take care of it sooner rather than later, that way there is less mental stress for you, and telling her sooner will probably soften the blow and is just more polite.

Lucky for you, the job of letting your MIL down is up to your husband and not you. Your husband needs to talk to his mom and let her know that there will just be too much going on and that she is welcome to come visit for Christmas or in January, or whenever.

If it comes to the delivery, and MIL has found a way to weasel into it anyway, just tell her that you are really self consious about others being in there and that it is an intimate moment between just you and hubby. If all else fails, find out what your hospital's code word is... in my hospital, asking for pink lemonade gets your room immediately cleared of all but the father.

You need to have the guts to say NO loudly and firmly. Otherwise, whatever you get will be your fault.

Of course, you are not asking too much. At this point in your life, your PRIORITIES are this new baby and your immediate family. Your mother in law falls further down the list. Don't make accommodating her your top priority - -it isn't! Obviously, part of taking good care of your baby is to make sure that YOU don't have other distractions such as hosting duties. You just say (using the technique of sandwiching "bad" news in between good news):

I am SO GLAD that you are excited about this baby and want to be involved. Unfortunately, my time and energies will be so consumed with the baby and Sally and Tina, that I just won't be able to host you in our home at that time. We would LOVE to have you come (... ? 6 weeks later) after we've made our adjustments, OR if you would like to be there for the baby's birth, the ... Hotel is right nearby and would be very convenient. Again, I want to express my appreciation for your desire to be involved.

Regarding actually being in the delivery room, just say, "I'm glad that you are excited about the baby, but I would like some privacy during that time. I can assure you that we will introduce you to your grandchild as soon as he's cleaned up."

I recommend that you write this in a letter or email so that you can really assert yourself RESPECTFULLY and won't have to worry about defending yourself. This will give her time to think it over as well.

While you are being so assertive, you might want to ask her what her expectations are during those two weeks she is here (whether that's at thanksgiving or later) -- is she planning to mainly hold the baby? Play with the other grandchildren? Cook meals and clean? This would help make sure that YOU do not have to serve HER in addition to all your other responsibilities. If she's not interested in doing any of these things, she might choose not to come of her own accord.

Don't let her guilt you! The whole world should be revolving around YOU right now, because you are the mother! You need to be supported so that you can be the best mother that those kids deserve.

J., your MIL is so totally out of line that I wouldn't worry about just saying NO. Say it politely. Don't say the dr said such and such. That will invariably leat to arguments over whether or not the dr is being reasonable.

Own the decision and say NO! I'm assuming that your husband agrees with you. He should be the one who tell his mother and the rest of his family that their visit now is not possible. You con't have to give a reason. YOu just have to be polite. I also wouldn't give a time frame for when they could visit. Make that open so that you can decide when it's OK with you.

You don't say how far away your in-laws live. If they are close enough for a brief vist (1 hour or so) if YOU want them for a short visit, your husband could tell them that he'll call when it's OK for them to drop by for a brief visit. ONLY DO THAT IF YOU TRULY WANT TO SEE HER.

You are in charge of your life. Don't feel guilty because someone else, even relatives, want something different than what you want. There is no question that a family visit at the time of your baby's birth is reasonable. It is NOT!

Just say no, it's not possible at that time! No apologies and no explaining. It's your life and it is not possible.

Starting out acknowledging her feelings, plans, etc may help have less bad feelings. At the same time your focus needs to be on meeting your needs. Be sure to word the beginning in such a way that this is not a decision to be discussed. This is the way it is, said kindly but firmly.

Say no and NO.

You have all the say as to who is in the delivery room and who is staying at the house after the delivery. Us personally had no one in the delivery room for the birth...we made the baby in private and can deliver in private...We only had a nurse and doctor. As far as having family over after the deliver we did do this even my mother which I hate but she new very clearly that if she pissed me off or made it harder to do my thing that she had to go get a hotel room till I said all was o.k. We have a lot of tension between us but alas she has been in the delivery room delivering before so I think she understood. best of luck and remember the most important thing is for you to be relaxed so try and get it settled so you can do your job on birth day.

I would say, "Sorry, that does not work for us." You need to have your husband back you up. If you are alright with them being there for a few days, tell her what days work for you and present her with a list of hotels in the area that they may stay at. Good luck.

Hi J.,

Ouch all the way around on this one. I will speak from the perspective of a MIL and grama. I was in the delivery room for both of my daughter's births. First one my son in-law was in Iraq and the second one, just 2 months ago, he was here and welcomed me too. My husband and I are very involved in their lives though and it's wonderful. My son and daughter in-law are now expecting in January. We are also involved in their lives. I love my daughter in-law very much and if she wants me in there I'll be there, but I won't overshadow the opportunity for her mom to take the lead and be there for her and my son. I'll be there but maybe not in the room at the time of birth. I'll let her invite me or I'll ask her if I can be there, but I would NEVER just invite myself or expect that she'd want me to be in there. That would be crossing the line in my book.

I believe your MIL should have asked you before she arranged to take the time off and also asked permission for family to visit. I agree with you that it's just too much for you, your husband and kids to deal with right after the birth of your new wee one. Congratulations by the way! You need to set the limits for your family.

How does your husband feel about this? If he supports you then he should be the one that speaks to her. What if she was there but not in the delivery room? (Rest of the family should stay away though.) Maybe this could be an opportunity for you to better your relationship and have her start being more involved with your kids. You see I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, but I really don't have enough information to go on. I'm sorry.

If you need to speak with her you should be gracious and thank her for her offer of help, but tell her you don't want extra people in the delivery room. You could get your doctor on board with this too. Maybe she could stay at home and care for the other kids and then bring them to the hospital to see their new brother/sister. That's a very important job too.

Being a MIL can be difficult and it's easier being a MIL to a son in-law than a daughter in-law. Don't ask me why, but it just seems that way. I've tried to explain this to my daughter, but I can't. I believe that when you become a MIL you'll understand a bit better.

I do wish you peace in whatever decision you make and trust that you will do what is best for YOUR family.

Just tell her that your dr will only allow your husband in the delivery room and there's nothing you can do about it. If you let the dr. and the nurses at the hospital know the situation, they will play the bad guy for you.

As for having a house full of people, I would ask your husband to tell her that you won't be able to host thanksgiving this year, but are happy to do it the next year or host another holiday. And again, you can blame the "dr.s orders" to limit you and babies activities for the first 6-8 weeks. Hopefully, the will work and help keep the peace.

I think you can lay down the law on the delivery room. Have your husband tell your m-i-l that you have to limit how many people are present in the delivery room (often nurses are willing to back you up, even if it involves a little white lie about hospital policy), and she doesn't make the list. (Will help if you also limit other family, but, i don't think you should feel obligated to do this.) Tell her you'll be sure to call when you are able to receive visitors, and she can come see the baby then. You can tell her that you are thrilled that she already loves the new baby so much, but that you feel that this is the safest scenario for the delivery. (You don't have to tell her that this is because you will throttle her in the middle of labor if she is there!)

As to the holidays, you don't mention how your husband feels, but, why don't you sit down with him and see if the two of you can agree on a compromise. Then he can tell his mom about that, too. Perhaps you suggest that they stay in a hotel during their visit? Or perhaps they can stay in a hotel for part of the time? Or with other family in the area? Or perhaps they can delay their visit by a week? Just frame it as a 'We are really looking forward to seeing you, but, we feel that this other arrangement will allow us to both take care of the stuff we need to with the new baby, and spend the maximum amount of quality time with you', or 'We want to spend as much time with you as possible, but, we know you will sleep better and be happier if you have your own rooms in a hotel.'

I think its important that the messages come from your husband, if at all possible.

Either way, i think its okay to stand up for yourself. I think its better if you can find a good compromise, but, in the end, this is your family you need to protect.

When you've settled on the arrangements do your best to welcome her whole heartedly and with open arms. Perhaps this will mark a turning point in your relationship.

Hi J. - so where is your husband in all of this?? This is his mother and should be communicating with her. I would talk to him and let him know what YOU want, you cant be worried about pleasing others during this time. Stand up for yourself! And not just about the delivery room but even afterwards. I think that it is the husbands responsibility to talk to his mother and to tell her what the deal is, not you. Maybe they can come and stay when the baby is a month old...? Or maybe she can be at the hospital but not in the room. But again that is something that YOU need to tell your husband and he tells his mom. STAND UP!

You have gotten a lot of good advice but I was in a situtaion like yours. I was due the day before thanksgiving and we were supposed to be having thanksgiving at our house. I had invited everyone and told the entire family on both sides. Once I found out my due date I told everyone that we were not going to be having it at our house and they would haev to reschedule somewhere else. People tried to tell me that they would do all of the cleaning and cooking but I assured them that I could not do it. My husband and I talked about having our mothers in the room and I was ok with it however I sat down each mom and told them that at any time during the labor if I needed them to leave that was to be done with out an arguing or questions. My mother in law kept telling me to not worry and that I would be fine with her in there but I was firm with her and let her know that if she could not respect us then she was not going to be in there at all. I also had the job of telling my brother that he was not welcome to visit till I had a chance to heal (he has 6 children all under 10!!) this was hard but I held my ground and I was thankful I did. We ended up with a wonderful little girl on thanksgiving morning by an emergency c-section. Good luck to you!

No, you're not being disrespectful. She's being thoughtless. I'm actually kind of curious about her motivation for suddenly showing up and taking an interest. You might do some investigation there. Her reasons might be legitimate. As far as having the whole family over, she might just be trying to bring Thanksgiving to you since you won't be able to go to it. Not that that helps you any, but it's a nice thought.

However, regardless of her reasons, she has no right to invite herself into your house and your delivery room. Tell her respectfully that you're going to be far too busy and too tired to have company over Thanksgiving, and so you won't be able to host the family. If she still wants to come over to help around the house and with the other kids (and make it plain that that's what she'll be helping with while you sleep and tend the new baby)once the baby arrives, let her come and help, but have someone around who can help enforce your rules and expectations when you're too tired (your mom maybe, or a best friend). You don't want to cause a divide in what might be a reconciliation sort of situation, but you and your baby come first. And talk to your doctor or your doula about enforcing your birth plan. You have already picked out your support team. Maybe your m-i-l could watch the other kids.

Wow J.,
You poor thing! At least Thanksgiving is a little ways away so you have a heads up on dealing with this. I think the only way to deal with this is head on. Have your husband tell his mom how happy he is to have her and the family coming out, but that he's sure she can understand that you will be in no position to host people at your house. He can offer to find a nearby hotel room or perhaps you have friends with an extra room that would do you the huge favor of letting her stay with them. Same goes for the rest of the family. If they want to take on the cooking and cleaning for Thanksgiving then they can do it at your house, otherwise they should arrange some sort of take-out Thanksgiving meal. Giving birth is a private and intimate affair (again, you're sure she understands :) and she can certainly stay in the waiting room, but she will not be allowed in the delivery room. You can make this clear with the nurses, too, if you think she'll try to come in anyway.
Good luck with this. It might miff her, but sometimes you just have to accept that there will be hurt feelings so you can do what you NEED to do for your sanity.

J.-

I am of the mind that since this is your mother-in-law that the first one you should talk to about your concerns is your husband. The last thing you need is a family battle to put a wedge between the two of you. Express your concerns and fears, but try to stay respectful. I know that's hard to do sometimes. Try to focus on the importance of trying to maintain simplicity around the house with a newborn, don't bring out the "your mother..." attacks!

Let hubby handle his mother. In-law battles can get very ugly. You can politely but firmly tell her that trying to handle a newborn, the holidays and the whole family all at once is too much to ask! But let your husband do the majority of the talking.

Good luck!
-B. M.-

Simple solution. Tell everyone that due to being a new mom you are not having thanksgiving at your house ..period! Everyone knows how tough it is to be a new mom so no-one should expect to be there for that. Tell everyone that you would love to have them come visit or be houseguests for christmas or some other time but right after the baby is born you don't want the work of having guests and it is a special time for just your family.

As for your MIL make your husband deal with her. Have him tell her that he wants the special bonding time with you in the delivery room and it is something special between a husband and a wife.

If you can afford it put her up at a local hotel so she can relax and enjoy her stay and not have to listen to baby cry (or bother you) or simply have husband tell her to visit at another time.

As for the actual birth just don't tell her when you go into labor. My brother did that with his wife. They just told everyone after the baby was born.

You should have husband confront MIL.

I have had a similar experience. I have three girls and my in-laws live on the eastcoast. Personally I think the only people that should be in the delivery room are you and your husband. All you should be doing at the time of delivery is concentrating on your new baby. You can never get that first welcoming into the world back so please do not do anything or allow anyone you truly do not want in the room. As far as the in-laws coming I had that happen. We only allowed grandma to stay with us and everyone else had to stay at hotels. It was a very stressfull time but I slipped away constantly to feed the baby or to "nap" with the baby. The one good thing was that the in-laws kept my other girls busy so I had some very nice bonding time. I did make sure everyone knew that feeding time and "naping" time were private mother-daughter times and that we were not to be interrupted for anything. Good luck. Remember you are the mom now and you get to make the rules.

J.,

I'm sure most people are going to say the same thing as me, but you have to put your foot down! I just told my husband about your situation, and he said it sounds like a segment from Seth & Amy on Weekend Update Saturday Night Live: "Are you kidding me?!" With my baby, who was born a year ago, we didn't tell anyone except for some close friends, who we knew wouldn't impose on us, when I was in labor. We called our families after he was born. Now granted, he came 2.5 weeks early, so people weren't necessarily expecting it at that point in time, so they weren't there waiting...

I also sent out an email before my son was born to both families, telling them that we love them and want them to see the baby, but we needed some space right after he was born. We told them that if they were going to come visit, they'd have to find other accommodations. And we told people that our home wouldn't be open to overnight guests for quite some time after he was born. We just felt like we needed some time to bond as a family.

It would probably be best to talk with your husband to have him back you up in your efforts. In your communication, just be sure to affirm that you want them to see the baby and be a part of his/her life, but that you're setting these limits for the health and well being of your family.

You are absolutely not asking too much!!!! Good luck, and don't feel bad if her feelings are hurt! What you're asking is perfectly reasonable!!!

Hi J.,

I deal with this in my line of business. So, here is my two cents for what it is worth.

One woman said that she told her mother that she was not there when the baby was created, she was not welcome when the baby was born. Now, that said, there are certainly less direct but more polite ways of telling your MIL your desires and concerns. First of all think about what you would say to a patient int he same situation and apply it to yourself. Failing that, I might suggest that you stress to her the importance of this initial bonding time with your new baby and the importance of creating a cohesive family unit, which would be disrupted by the company/intrusion.

Best of luck, and please let us know how you deal with this. best of luck to you and yours!

T. Nelson CD (DONA)

Dear J.,
Wow, what a predicament! I would consult with your husband and tackle this issue together since it's his mother. Let your husband know how you feel about all this and what your expectations are. If he agrees with you then ask him to help back you up on this. And if he gives you an okay I would confront you MIL over the phone about what you and your husband agreed to. Tell her you're sorry for any inconvenience it may have caused her but giving birth to a new baby is always stressful and you need that precious time to relax after the delivery. If your MIL has any sense she'll remember the delivery of her own precious baby boy and reconsider her visit.

I would just let everyone know that you would love to have them for Christmas, but that you want the birth of your baby to be a private moment shared with your husband. We all know what birthing is like, and you have the right to say no, and no one should question you on it. Talk to your Hubby, get his support in this so he can help deal with his family. No one should ever assume that they are welcome in a delivery room or as the house guest of a woman with a new baby. Your mil really overstepped here by asking for the time off before asking you if it would be a good time to come.

Have your husband respectfully tell his mother and family that it will be too stressful for all involved to have anyone there or to host guests for the holidays. He needs to be protective of you and bold with his family, esp. his mother. There are many more ways that she can show her support and help.

It is not odd and a perfectly reasonable to say no and no.

I'm especially no the be present for the birth - heck I wouldn't have even wanted my mother.

I would defiantly leave it open for a visit - but if you already have some planning to watch your kids then that is another story. My husband wound up with the flu the day we went home - so we did wind up inviting his mother up - she overstayed her welcome by 2 days - but I was glad for her to be there.

I'd advise you use your husband first - he should talk to his mother - if she doesn't listen to him then you need to follow up - but really he'd better do it. Also the added bonus of having 2 kids already you can tell her you know for experience this is not the thing for you.

Hard to say it respectfully, but what you can do is simply state that you already have picked out who you want in the delivery room and what your plans are afterward. You and your husband are the ones who are ultimately making the decision. I'm an easy going person and have even had to deal with this same situation, but it was with my aunt. She is wheelchair/scooter bound. She's also one of those people that always assumes that because she had done something (she screamed in the birth of her kids so I will too...was one of the things) that this is bound to happen to me as well. I respectfully requested who I wanted in the room in the birth of my son and what my plans were afterward. Well, she's a pushy gal. She talked her way passed the nurses and entered the tiny birthing room with her oversized scooter. She attempted several times to push passed my father and midwife during delivery to do what she called "assist me". I finally had it and ended up screaming at her in the middle of labor to get out of my face. Anywho, just make sure your intentions about your plans are perfectly clear. You can be stern but respectful about your request and let others know so they can help you stick to them. Hope this helps. *hug*

Are you kidding me?? That is sooo NOT okay. You absolutely should be able to say who is/isn't in the delivery room. As for having guests stay after the baby arrives... Are they completely bananas?? You need to have a conversation with your hubby, make sure he feels the same and then rely on him to back you up and do the negotiating with his family.

As to the MIL in the delivery room you can ask your doc to help by saying the delivery room just doesn't have room for her. If she will go for that.

If she insists coming for Thanksgiving...stay in bed the entire time and have her wait on you, you are just too pregnant or recovering from the birth of your child. Ask her to do all the cooking and cleaning, and take the other children under her wing....etc. I am sure this will chase her out of the house into a motel.

Then set visiting hours. Not too early or too late. Not for breakfast or after bedtime. Ask her to leave during nap time or to help cooking and laundry.

Take a nap yourself and leave your husband to set the limits. This is probably something he should do at the beginning.

I think it is your husbands job to gently tell you MIL that she is welcome at the hospital, but no one is going to be in the delivery room except for him and if you have someone else you had in mind. you can also alert the staff at the hospital that they are not to allow anyone in the delivery room that you dont' say is ok. I think it is not unreasonable to ask that everyone "coming to stay" for Thanksgiving stay in a hotel. you can kindly set something up with a local hotel so that they can all stay in the same place. You deserve to have peace in your home and your baby needs that too. If you husband can't comply and is not willing to stand up for you then you check into a hotel with the baby and get some peace and rest. Make it a really nice hotel! Stick up for yourself and demand that you get what you need. don't let anyone put demands on you when you are having a baby. You need to be able to focus on the baby and your other children. Good Luck!

Wow! You really don't need to be stressing about this during this wonderful time of your life. This is probably something best handled by your husband, since this is his mother and family. Because you can have the say in who is in the delivery room, you can state who you will allow and who you won't, which would keep her out. You could stress to her that it will be wonderful to have her there to help with your girls while you are in the hospital, and that the help afterwards is greatly appreciated. However, you and your husband realize that having a houseful of family for Thanksgiving will be out of the question so soon after the delivery. And be sure to thank her for understanding.
Blessings to you,
N.

I had essentially the same situation, but it was just our first, and the MIL's first grandchild. I simply said no. First my husband told her, but she kept pushing and whining, and he asked me to talk to her about it. I just said no, I don't know how things are going to go, and I don't want people waiting around at the hospital for me, it will be stressful for me. I also said no visitors for 2 weeks after the baby is born, unless we change our minds afterwards. She whined and was nasty and resentful and refused to talk to my husband for weeks, even on the day I was induced. To be honest, I just didn't care. I had to take care of myself, and having someone (especially with her character) hovering in the waiting room (in the delivery room NO WAY in hell) and chattering and grasping trying to "help" was just out of the question for me. I'm a very private person; their family is not. As it turned out, I had a rough time and recovery was hard for me, so we stuck to the 2 weeks, and I'm glad I did. I was miserable. Sorry I can't give any tips on how to say it nicely, I just said no. Maybe you can say she is welcome to come to town to visit but not stay at your house because it will be too stressful for you. You can always say that it might not have been the same for her or her friends, but this is how you feel and what you need. I would be firm, it's not worth making yourself miserable over. Best wishes for a great delivery and recovery!

I didn't want my mom in the room with me either, but when the time came I thought about the idea of having her hurt feelings haunt us both for the rest of our lives. Well as it turns out I'm glad she was there because a year later she was diagnosed with cancer and she died a couple of months later.

Anyway, as far as guests are concerned I would definitely put my foot down on that one. I'd probably say something like, you can stay if you plan on changing all of the dirty diapers both day and night for the entire length of the visit. I threatened my little brother in laws with this and with the responsibility of putting the baby back to sleep every time they woke him up... anyway it turned out that they decided it wouldn't be the best time to visit after all... You could also make up a list of chores that you expect them to do, since they're coming to 'help' you in your time of need. :o)

goodluck

Hi J.,
I think this is a little crazy. I am so sorry. If it were me, I would ask my husband to talk to his mother. He could just explain that you are both uncomfortable having extra people in the delivery room, but she is welcome to wait in the waiting room and come in and see the baby after the birth. You just have to put your foot down about this. Be kind but firm. If your husband can't be the one to talk to her you will have to. Say something like, "I'm so glad you want to come and be a part of our new child's life and I know you would never want to impose or do anything to make us feel uncomfortable. I just really can't have other people in the delivery room. It really makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure you understand."
Also, expecting you to entertain a house full of relatives is totally unacceptable right after giving birth. Blame it on germ control? You don't want the new baby exposed to all those people. Just be honest about your feelings while being sensitive about hers. Good luck! And no, you are not asking to much!

On thing that worked for me (my MIL wasn't as demanding) was that if you are having the baby at the hospital, you can make the nurses be the "bad guys" they do it all the time. I had them do it to my mother in law and they were nice and told her that she needed to stay outside in the waiting room. then I had her outside the door listening so I made them move her further "out" since she didn't listen. That must be a rought situaton though.....I hope you find resolution.

You are the person who gets to decide who gets to be in the delivery room and who doesn't, not your mother-in-law. And telling you to host a huge holiday meal right after your baby is born...um...is she nuts!? Absolutely not. Here's hoping your husband is already supportive so this doesn't create an issue between the two of you. Like others, I would let your mother-in-law know that she will not be allowed into the delivery room and that family is not welcome so soon after the birth of your baby. (It might soften the blow if you agree to host some other affair/event at a later date.) Don't feel guilty. This is your time with your family.

Have you talked about this with your husband? Does he back you up? I am going to assume so.
All the previous advise on this issue sounds great except the people who say suck it up, don't do that.

I find that typing a letter is always a great way to convey my rules & wishes. This gives me my own time table to deal with the issue & I make sure there is no question of what is expected. Sometime I write lists of what I want the letter to say. I have a friend & or my husband look at it & make helpful revisions or suggestions. I would make sure that both you & your husband sign & send it to her. Make sure you are firm & loving in your letter & all should be fine.

If it where me personally I wouldn't let her stay at your house, I would tell her she has to find other lodgings. Secondly, I would tell her she won't be allowed in the hospital with you, not even in the waiting room. I would set visiting hours at my house between noon & 8 pm if you let her come at all. I would tell the family you just won't be hosting Thanksgiving or any family for the next two months after the birth of your new baby. You simlpy will have more than enough on your plate & can not even entertian the idea of adding to your current situation at that time. It sounds like to me your MIL & his family just need you to lay down the rules for them to follow. I typed up the rules of my house & framed them for family & friends to read in the enrtyway. I have a set of overnight guest rules framed in the guest room as well. I hope this helps.
H.

I would just tell her that the birth is going to be just for you and hubby. Then I would tell her that there is a nice inexpensive hotel near by and give her the name and number. Or you could just not tell her the due date and announce once the baby is born. Stand up for yourself, this should be bonding time for you and your husband...don't let it be ruined by guests. My babies were in the NICU for a month but I did not allow any visitors what so ever until I had recovered and had 2 weeks alone with them in the NICU. I allowed no one to hold the babies until they came home. I got not one neg. comment, my inlaws know I mean business and would not hesitate to cut them out if they p1ss me off.

You definitely do not have to let her be in the delivery room. I think your husband should gently tell her that it's not comfortable for you to have her see you deliver a baby and that they are welcome to come to the hospital immediately after you deliver to see the newborn but not while the baby is delivered. I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to stay at a hotel or other accommodations when you have a newborn waking up all night. If they wanted to take a shift or two consoling baby in the middle of the night, then perhaps having them stay with you isn't a bad idea, then, at least, you could get some extra sleep. My best friend's in-laws stayed with them when they had their baby but they brought their RV and slept there but they took the middle of the night shifts so my friend and her husband could sleep (they put in ear plugs during the crying sessions). They did it for 2 weeks and it made the days more tolerable with the extra rest new parents often don't get.
If they continue to push that they have to be there for the birth, I would either:
1. Tell the nurse staff that nobody is allowed back to your delivery room except your husband, period.
2. Have your doctor induce you a day or two before they are scheduled to arrive and beat her at her own game. It's not nice, but neither is what she's doing.
I know that last point isn't me or what I'd do but I'd definitely consider it out of frustration.
They really should respect your decision and just be there to help and support you and your husband and I hope that they can come to understand that with a gentle and heartening discussion with your husband.
Best of luck to you!

Oh, this situation sucks! My aunt has made it very clear she never wanted children to the point she had an abortion years ago and boarders on bragging about it. When her stepdaughter had her second child my aunt asked if she could be in the delivery room. After much thought they agreed. I grew close to my aunt when I moved to OR in 2003, but had never been close before. For some reason she seemed to think that because my cousin had allowed her to be in the delivery room that I would/should as well. She made it clear she expected this as early as 2004. At the time I let it slide saying I would think about it when the time came. So when I announced in 2007 that I was pregnant she assumed she could come. I tried desperately to explain it was a private event and that I was not comfortable with "other" people there. She tried to say, well, I wouldn't look "there." She begged me to reconsider on more than one occasion (and of course always when we were alone so I didn't have any backup). When I finally said at about 6 months that she was not invited she had to get off the phone because she was crying in disappointment. I'm not sure she has forgiven me, and I've come to the point where I don't really care! I'm sharing all of this to encourage you to deal with the situation as soon as possible and not let her wishes move from hopeful expectations to assumed "rights."
I for one think it is perfectly acceptable to blame your decisions partly on the situation instead of taking all the heat yourself. Because my husband and I were both very sick babies I wanted to make sure there were as few people around to introduce a cold/flu/bacterial something to our baby. As it turned out this was a very good decision, because our baby did spend 3 days in the NICU after she was born. It is perfectly reasonable, and *most* sane people would agree, to say you really don't want a house full because it could put your baby at risk. Infants really don't have immune systems that function so their only protection is from the antibodies they get from breastfeeding. Also, just because your MIL wants everyone to come does not mean that everyone else thinks they *should* come (she might be pressuring them as well). I'll bet at least some of them agree it's not a good idea and could plant that seed in her head for you before you talk (health concerns and your concerns about bondig time and stress levels). Then when you talk the concept won't be new and will be accepted more easily. I also agree that your husband should be dealing with this! He gets to have some say in who's there as well. Maybe he doesn't think an audience is a good idea and if the family does come he will be much more responsible for entertaining than you. Suggest that he doesn't want more work either:-)

Good luck...It's your immediate family's day, enjoy it!

S.

Hi J.,

This is really tough, I am sorry you are in this position. Unfortunately, the best advice I have is to just tell her how you feel as compassionately and yet firmly as you can. You should talk with your husband and make sure that you are both on the same page (you both understand and agree on the boundaries) and saying the same things to her. Having help is great; if it is help and not more work for you. I know it is hard to do but being honest with your mother-in-law is really the way to go. Remember, that you are not responsible for her reactions, only yours. You can't control her reactions or her so don't put that expectation on yourself or your husband.

Good Luck,
S.

I'm not sure what to say about the visit. That sounds like a big problem and would totally stress me out too.

About the delivery room, I'd just tell her that you feel rather private about delivering, but that she's welcome to wait in the waiting room and see the baby as soon as you are both cleaned up. I had to say the same to my own mother about my second child - she'd been there for the first which had been fine, but I didn't feel comfortable the next time - she got offended and didn't visit. However, all went well.

The important part is that you and the baby are comfortable. She doesn't need to see it be born to be involved in its life - or even to celebrate it's arrival. Just her visiting will give her a chance to be involved. And, since you'll be recovering, let her know you are so glad she'll be there to help with the other kids ;-)

I haven't read any of the responses, but my gut reaction and I am sure I am not alone, is this is YOUR birth, not your MIL's and you have the right to say NO to anyone regardless of their wishes. I cant' imagine someone being so imposing on such a personal, private moment.
You are NOT asking too much and just say what you want. Your feelings should come first when giving birth, no one else's:)

Haven't read all the responses, but wanted to chime in, speaking as a grandmother & mother-in-law. It sounds like maybe she feels bad about having missed out on a lot of your other children's early years and realizes what she has missed and doesn't want to miss out with this one, so she is making it a priority to connect more from the beginning. What you call "excuses" (being too busy or not being able to afford to come visit) - I wouldn't necessarily label them as excuses, but maybe you could think of them as reasons, choices she made and now perhaps regrets. I assume that by wanting to come stay with you that she also wants to spend more quality time with the older children as well - which could be a big help to you during the newborn time. As far as her wanting to not miss the birth - it sounds like it wasn't really clear that she actually wanted to be in the delivery room, so maybe that's not what she meant after all. For a grandparent, being able to meet her new grandchild soon after the birth can be such a blessing. Which does NOT mean she has to stay at your house, if that doesn't work for you. Or maybe there is a way she could stay at your house, before and/or after the birth, in a way that would contribute rather than detract. You might need to set clear limits and guidelines beforehand in letting her know what kinds of things would and would not be helpful to you, and maybe brainstorm with her how she envisions the time and how she would like to help - so that she feels like she is contributing as well as having the opportunity to spend time with all the children. As far as staying at your house, maybe there is somewhere else she could stay for at least part of the time, such as with a friend of yours who has a guest room, if a motel would be too expensive. As far as the "house full of guests," I would think she should be able to understand, if you or your husband explains it to her gently, how difficult that could be in the early weeks. Maybe you could find some good written information about how babies and mamas need quiet and calm during this time, in order to help with attachment and breastfeeding. I thought a lot of the other ideas were good too - just wanted to encourage you to try to understand how she might be feeling, and offer her appreciation for wanting to be more involved in her grandchildren's lives (it sounds like this isn't just about this baby's birth, but about wanting to be a more involved grandmother in general). Wishing you the best!

I think that you just have to say that with the older two kids, and a new one, your house will be too hectic to have houseguests - you appreciate that they want to come in, but that you think it would be best if they either wait or stay at a hotel. Or, limit their visit to 3 days, and just keep holding your breath the entire time, realizing that it will be done soon!!!

Your nurse and doctors at the hospital can help you with the first part. Explain a head of time to them that you would only like your husband in the delivery room, they can be your crowd control. Let her know that you are expecting her to be watching the other kids while you and your husband are having baby #3. This is where you husband needs to come in and help explain things to the MIL. You aren't asking too much and she is obviously very excited for this baby.

Ask her how SHE wants to do Thanksgiving and point out that you really won't be up to cooking. Also be frank about sleeping arrangements and limited space, etc.

I hope some of this helps.

Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your stress. Especially given you are pregnant. I just wanted to say that when it comes to having the whole family around when you dont want, you probably just have to suck it up, BUT with regards to the delivery of YOUR baby, you just cant compromise. The mother's before us had their time and now its yours and yours alone (well hubby is along of the ride)...NO ONE has the RIGHT to be in that room with you unless specifically invited. I had so much pressure from my in laws and extended family when I had my first to be there and come right in when THEY wanted...I really just wanted to be the first to have that time with my child, Afterall I carried her for 9 months! But we compromised with them and I wasnt truely happy with the outcome...so when my son came along we allowed no one at the hospital until WE called and were READY! It was so much nicer! The in laws we open in their frustrations, but in the end its YOUR birth!!! Just stand your ground! As for having them all around just after, I have 25 immediate family members in the same town as me...its impossible to hide! Just dont be afraid to tell them you are feeling a bit overwelmed by everything or tired or something and go rest. They can entertain themselves. Good luck and "try" to relax as much as possible...

Convey your wishes of whom you want to be present to the hospital staff. The nurses should help keep spectators down to a minimum.
Good luck!

I dont think you have to suck anything up. Sounds like she wasnt respecting your home, time and needs. I would gently tell her or have your hubby tell her or both tell her together that her plans were not going to happen and that you would have liked if she checked with you both first. You might say that you really do value her help and would be very happy to find another time for her to spend with your family. If you are gentle and firm, then there may be only semi hurt feelings that you can work through. I dont think that its good of either side of the realtionship to allow yourself to be taken for granted - builds resenment, which is hard to fix.

J.,

I dealt with the same situation with my MIL and finally my husband had to step in and let his mother know that we had no intentions on allowing anyone into the delivery room otherthan my husband and myself. If your own mom is in the delivery room, then you might have a difficult time explaining things. I truly believe that your spouse needs to step in and have a heart to heart conversation with his mom. Best of Luck to you and your family.

First: No, you're not asking too much! It's your right to limit who sees you in labor!

Second: YOU don't say anything. Your husband needs to talk to his mom. He needs to explain to her that you want to have XXXX kind of delivery and that your best opportunity of that is with only XXXX present. He needs to be your body guard and make sure his mom knows the boundry. He also needs to address that your home cannot accomodate the entire family. If you're up for having a couple people stay at your home, let them, but otherwise, offer to try to get a group discount at a local hotel that's not too far from food and entertainment for the out of town company, but isn't in walking distance to your house.

Egads! How awful. Pretty much everything I would say has already been covered, but just wanted to send you some support. It is very difficult to deal with this sort of situation, and since I have what I would consider "pushy" inlaws I know from experience how important boundaries are. You are the one giving birth, so it's your choice ONLY who to have in the room with you. Good luck and I hope your husband supports you on this one!

Hi J.!

I don't have a chance to read all the answers you've been given, so sorry if I'm repeating what you've already heard.

This time should be very special for you and your husband and you should not be forced into having extra people in the delivery room, or in your home if you aren't comfortable with it. Because it is your mother in law, I think you should have your husband speak with her and let her know that her demands are not reasonable. You would love to have her meet the new baby and maybe help with Thanksgiving (i.e. do some of the cooking and set up....) but inviting herself and the family to come stay at your house when you have just given birth is downright rude!

My MIL didn't want to be in the room (she passes out at the sight of blood), but insisted she would be waiting right outside the door. Lucky for me, we gave birth in a tiny birth center where they shut the place down when someone is giving birth and they will let in or kick out whoever you tell them to. We told her she was more than welcome to wait in the parking lot outside, but otherwise we would call her after the baby was born. It worked out just fine. I think once she put herself in my position, she understood a bit more.

Congratulations! I wish you a quick and easy labor and delivery! What a wonderful reminder of all the things we have to be thankful for. =)

B. Ace =)

tell your husband to tell them to find an extended stay to stayin. -they are his parents. my husband and i had this conversation and after pointing out that i deal with my parentss and he should deal with his, he was fine with that. as for the birth, the doc and nurses will tell her that only your hubby is allowed in. or if your mom is coming then only two can be in there. i also did this. the staff just told me when i asked what to do that "we'll be the bad guys, while you smile sadly and say oh i am so sorry." just ask them.

Hi J.,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You have already gotten a lot of great advice, so I will be brief here.

You have every right to just say no. This is your experience and a very important transition. I can completely understand where you're coming from. She is completely out of line for stating that she will be there without respecting your needs and at least having a discussion. It would be best if your husband has the conversation as long as you think he can do it clearly and without wavering. I also think that the post birth time is critical for the immediate family bonding/readjustment period. My husband and I took the first 10 days to just do our own thing, although we had a few brief visits.

Good luck and remember that this is a unique time that you deserve to experience as you wish.

Take care,
C.

If you don't want her there during the actual birth than she needs to be told. That is a great job for your husband! Your needs and comforts need to come first, not hers. While in labor with my first (about to have my 4th)my mom was there and my MIL was there, just to sit with us and keep us company (because it took forever). Make sure you let your nurses know who is welcome during the delivery and they will make sure all non-essentials are gone. That's what I did with my first and every time the doc or nurse came in to check my progress my MIL was kindly escorted out to give me some privacy. Your husband needs to be firm with his mother and make sure she understands that she is NOT running the show here. He needs to make it very clear to her that a huge family gathering at your house is a horrible idea. Even the doc will tell you that's bad for you and the baby....can you say huge risk of baby getting sick!!
Good luck!!

you poor thing!
it all boils down to the fact that the birth and homecoming of your child, whether your 1st or 21st, is about you and your comfort. if having her in the room makes you more comfortable then you can ask her to be there. she should wait for invite and be prepared if it never comes. it's not about how she's going to feel on that day.
as for having a house full after you come home...be the mama bear! your den should make you relaxed and, again, as comfortable as possible after you've brought a brand new life into the world! company sometimes brings stress, whether they mean to or not...which you will not need!!
i am sorry this has ended up being more of my thoughts on the issue rather than advice as to what you could do to remedy(sp?) the situation.
feelings may be hurt, but don't sacrifice your comfort and sanity because someone/anyone may not be taking your feelings into account and you have to let them be known. like a band-aid, do it fast or it'll only get worse.
good luck, my dear! and congrats.

I so don't envy your situation, how stressful.

I have a better relationship with my MIL than I do my own mother, but honestly there comes a point to where things get uncomfortable and private - and even my MIL understands that. She has had four kids of her own.

I agree with other posters - it's your husband's duty to explain what your concerns and wishes are to your MIL. How stressfull for you to be put in the middle on top of preparing for everything and have people invite themselves to stay with you. I had family over 3 days after my son was born and they were only over for the day and I was stressed out.

Putting your foot down will not be the end of the world, and if it's her end of the world she will get over it or not be around like she was for the last two.

I hope all goes well and that you get plenty of rest. Hospitals SUCK and the lack of sleep is always a hinderance. Congrats on that new baby! :) And Thanksgiving time too, the best gift in the world.

Honestly, I think it is well within your rights to not want her in the room and also to not have a bunch of family stay at your house right after you have given birth. Since it is your husband's family, I think he should be the one to talk to her about it, as long as you and he are on the same page about it.