Help with Visiting In-laws

Touchy situation. You could go to a motel and when they come to visit, hire a car to transport them. There is no way to get all the smoke from the chairs, carpets the baby crawls on, etc. Ionizers are great but the tar is still there, I think.

Bring a can of Oust Air Sanitizer and spray everything then open a window for a few minutes. Also, take lots of outside walks to help with the headaches and see if you can sleep with a window cracked if it's not too cold. Unfortunately that's really all you can do.

Rent an RV and stay there at night and as needed and visit as you would other wise. I dont know if staying in a motel is an option but you areent going to change anyones lifestyle. That idea about an air purifier is pretty good too.Your husband has made no commentary about this challenge to his mother?

I understand that the smell may bother you, but do really think its worth it make such a big deal when you only visit a couple of times a year? I wouldn't say anything. I can't see how a smell is going to bother your newborn.

B.,
My sons Father & most of his family smoke. My son was born with an air bubble in his lungs, and he is now fine and healthy with no problems thank goodness. I had a similar problem myself, we never staid overnight but, when we got home both My son & I had to have a bath, or we would wake up in the morning with a headache and stuffed sinus. I finally had to ask that they smoke outside for my sons sake. They agreed & smoked outside during the cooler season, when we visited. I Also believe that a child should know their grandparents but, I also think that family should work together. If the smoke is that bad then a compromise should be made, for the welfare of everyone. Maybe if you & your husband sit & talk with your MIL about the situation you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. Good luck.

Hey B.,

I don't believe you should ever put yourself in situations that make you feel extremely uncomfortable. I hate to say it but your child's well being is more important than the grown ups hurt feelings. Maybe you should talk to your in-laws about the issue. Or could you stay in a hotel instead of in their home? I know it is more expensive but would be better for everyone's health. Also, if you resent your husband's parents you will most likely act differently with them, even if you don't notice. Your child will notice this though because children are very receptive to feelings and behaviors. If this continues, your child may grow up to feel uncomfortable with your husbands parents and that isn't a good situation. I would try to handle this situation now so it does not continue to grow and possibly explode in everyone's faces. I hope this helps and is not offensive to you as that is absolutely not my intention. :-) Good luck!

M.

I do understand. It was my parents that were the smokers. We never stayed over because we live pretty nearby. I know about clothes smelling, even a gift in a gift bag for one of the kids Birthdays.."smells like gramma" the kids would say..a combination of smoke and her perfume.

Now I am a grandmother and mother in law..so I do think if you can get a really good attitude and bless your MIL it will be well worth the effort. It sounds trite but Life is short and you will benefit your kids just by spending some time here and there with your husbands family. I have found it is easy to find fault no matter what it is ...you weren't raised by your in-laws, so they live different than you are used to..I whined about my Father in law..and now he is gone..would love my kids to know him.. anyway you can make it work..crack the bedroom window or bring an air filter? You are not alone but having a bright outlook will help the hoiday go better. My sister in law had allergies so she asked my Mom not to smoke in her house but when she visits them ..they do smoke in their own home. I guess the bigger concern should be for you MIL 's health, encourage her if she does kick the habit!!

Hi I am the Mother in law. my son gave me 2 air machines. both have ionizers. We look foward to visits and wash curtains etc before air out the house, and keep those machines going. It really seems to help, My daughter in law said she wondered if we quit smokin. Well we do plan to soon I have a Dr's appointment. Try getting her a machine or 2 and help with some of the cleaning.
L.

I know exactly where you are coming from.
My SIL smokes, but we can't tell her that is why we won't stay at her house, she would hold it against us forever. She smokes outside when we are there and that should be good enough. I also have parents who are not willing to change holiday tradition, no matter how much easier it would be on my son. We have to go to their house, even though that means we are rushing from place to place all day on Christmas. I have a MIL who would be very offended if we stayed in a hotel.
Does your husband have any friends in that area that you can stay with, maybe other people with kids? Does your husband's brother have his own place with room for you to sleep? Anything so you only have to spend part of the time at your in-laws, but are not offending people. If not - you may need to offend someone. When I came home from my SIL's and the Pack'n'Play smelled of smoke we decided not to stay there anymore. Now we stay at my friend's house - her daughter is 5 months younger than my son, so "she has stuff and we don't have to pack as much, plus it is already babyproof." Luckily my SIL buys it.

You say it's hard for them to travel because they are elderly, but how easy is it for anyone to travel with small children? You are already going out of your way for them. They are not likely to stop smoking and get the house in good shape at this late date. Get a hotel room. I believe it is the grandparents responsibility to visit the children and grandchildren, not the other way around. I would never want to burden my kids with having to travel long distances with babies. If it really bothers your in-laws to have to travel or not see you, they would move closer to you.

I don't have inlaws that smoke, I have inlaws that are difficult, and have caused much tension during the first year and a half of my marriage. I have learned to manuver the stormy waters with logic even though they are not rational people. Talk to your husband about the trip being difficult (not because of the smoking - don't mention this) because you will have two children and it would be much easier if your inlaws came to you. You have everything you need at home to take care of the babies, children need structure, routine, etc. I don't know your relationship with your brother-in-law but could you call him up and say please bring your parents for the holidays and explain this by telling him why it is too much of a logistical nightmare for you to travel with two young children? Maybe holidays could be alternated? This way no one will feel attacked (not that you are attacking anyone)and you are not complaining about your husband's parents, you are stating what you need to take care of your children. I hope this helps - good luck.

Hi B.,
Now that you will have a newborn, very lovingly tell her that you will be staying in a hotel. A newborn's schedule is often times hectic and can be noisy. This would be to everyones benefit. Be sure to assure her that you will be over to visit and love her. L.

From now on, when you go to visit, stay at a local hotel. Be VERY FIRM on this; at least you won't have to breathe the air all night. Then limit the time you are at the house and consider bringing air cleaners with you. Buy several to keep there and and turn them on the entire time you are in the house. If the weather is nice, then insist on some fresh air. You could ask her to have a cleaning service come in just before you will be visiting; you could even volunteer to pay for this as your pre-holiday treat.

You don't mention family on your side, but if you do have some, then perhaps it's time you stayed home for a holiday and spent time with your relatives, even if they are just cousins. Your children should get to build memories on both sides. We have been dividing our time for years. If you don't have familly, it's ok to just stay home and enjoy each other's company and build traditions in your own home.

You are smart to keep all the clothes you actually wear separated in a plastic bag. When you return from your visit, instead of doing this laundry at home, take it to a commercial laundry and either do it there or pay them to wash it. It keeps the small out of your house. You are worth the small expense.

Your husband needs to back you up on all of this. If he complains, then give him an article or two about second-hand smoke. If he still complains, then he can go visit his parents without you and the children. Your brother-in-law sounds rather selfish, and it also sounds as though your mother-in-law feels much too sorry for him. Good Luck!

Hi B.,

I can sympathize! My FIL smoked very heavily until about a year and half ago. He wouldn't smoke in our house when we had our kids, but he did in his house and car. There was nothing more disgusting than bringing a baby home and noticing that their hair smelled like smoke. With our 2nd baby, we spent less time with them, less time at their house, didn't leave the baby for MIL to babysit. When they wanted our daughter to visit for a week in the summer, we had to honestly tell them that grandparents who smoke simply don't get to spend as much time with the grandchildren. When we visited them in their new house where FIL didn't smoke inside, MIL couldn't understand why we wouldn't ride in their vehicle - "But he won't smoke while you're riding in it" - just couldn't understand that all the toxins are there and our younger child is asthmatic.

I would limit the time with them. I wouldn't expose a brand new newborn to the smoking. If you must make the trip in more than one day, I would sleep at a hotel and see if you can spent time visiting outdoors, at a restaurant, etc. And I would be honest with them, letting them know that you acknowledge that they have every right to smoke if they wish to even though you don't agree with that lifestyle, but that your children can't pay a price in terms of their health for it. I would be blunt, since it's not like it's something they can't help, they are making a choice to expose the rest of the family to something unhealthy. If you want to, make the doctor the bad guy and tell them the pediatrician absolutely says that your baby cannot sleep at or spend the day in a smoking household

not that you aren't but be honest with your husband & mil. even if it causes a problem & bad feelings but you need to stick to what is right for you & your family. she can make a choice for her health but you need to make one for yourself. stay in a hotel & limit time at the house. if your husband has a problem with it then tell him to stay at their house & you will be at the hotel. he can't make you stay there. put your foot down, be apologetic but firm & say if that's a problem, i'm sorry but it' what i'm doing - see you in the morning.

Hi there B., Well my solution would be.... If it bothers you that much then do not go and visit your in laws.. Like someone said down below, get a hotel room.
You sound angry and put off that she smokes in her own house?? I think it's nice that she goes outside to smoke when your family is visiting, something she doesn't need to do but she does it anyway.
I personally am a smoker, and I choose to not smoke in my home, simply b/c of the health risks that is involved. I choose to smoke but my kids don't. With that said, that is a personal choice I made (I grew up with a mom who smoked in the house) but in all honesty no one pays the bills but me so if I did choose to smoke in MY house and someone didnt like it, I wouldn't be offended if they stayed away.
I hope you don't let this sitation strain the realtionship w/ her any further.. I know MIL could be challanging under normal circumstances. Just agree to disagree! ; )

An option might be to stay at a hotel/motel.

Hi B.,
I am totally with you on this. My in laws smoke and they have not seen my daughter in over 6 months, and they live only 10 minutes away! We won't take my daughter to their house, but they are more than welcome to come to our house anytime, but they aren't allowed to smoke in the house. I guess this is too much to ask of them because they never come over. They didn't even come over for Christmas. I guess luckily for my daughter her birthday is in July so they can come over for her birthday party which is outside and smoke outside. The smoke does stink up eveerything and gives you headaches. I saw someone elses suggestion that you go pick her up and bring her to your house. There is nothing to feel guilty about not going to her house. I would never take my daughter to my in laws house when it smells like that. She has had countless holidays with her other son, she should enjoy some at your house with your kids.

The smoking issue, for me, is a deal breaker. I take a pretty hard line for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that my Mom (a non-smoker) had lung cancer last year. So I have little patience for this habit.

My mother in law also smokes heavily and my husband and I have an eight month old. Until recently we lived two blocks from one another so visits were fairly frequent despite the terrible stale (or not-so-stale) aroma of cigarette smoke. Throughout my pregnancy, my husband started talking with his Mom telling her that she should try to cut back/quit because when the baby came visits would be sparse or non-existent due to her chain smoking habit. This was in the hopes that with time and repetition of the message that she could ween herself from the cigarettes. Didn't quite work but improved the situation. I, too, resented and still resent that she creates this environment that affects others adversely as well as herself (she has emphysema and still smokes and doesn't believe that there's a connection). Doesn't she want to live longer to know her grandchild longer? She'll still occasionally sneak a smoke while we're in the house! My husband is 100% with me on this -- he has been trying to get his Mom to quit for years and she just can't or won't.

The baby and I simply don't visit with her much because of this because my #1 responsibility in life is my baby's well-being -- period. If someone chooses to smoke and compromise their own helath then that's their choice but an infant doens't have the choice and shouldn't be subjected this. And my husband backs me up on this completely. I know it isn't a great solution since I feel that every child should know their grandparents and vice versa. Family is precious. But health is paramount and I won't risk more than a handful or short visits each year. My mother in law is also elderly and in ailing health so travel is difficult but my husband makes the effort to drive 1 1/2 hours to pick her up and bring her to our house for occasional weekend visits. It's the only viable solution that has worked for us so far. Since your in laws live farther away, perhaps it means an extended weekend -- 3-4 days if you are flexible to make the drive more palatable. Or is there a train or a car service that they could take? Is there an inn or reasonably priced hotel you could stay at near your in laws' home for a quick visit?

Is our husband on your side? It helps tremendously in terms of brokering some sort of arrangement.

GS

Sadly, there is nothing you can really do about this. I also have many relatives that smoke and they do go outside while my daughter is present but as far as when we are not there, They smoke where they want, which is something I cannot control. Ask if maybe she will air the house out a few hours prior to your visit, opeing windows and such. My mother wont smoke in her house for a full day before when she knows my daughter is coming but my mil will smoke till the second we get there, so i a go in first to open windows and try to make teh best out of her apartment. I have accepted this because if I didn't my daughter would not know her grandparents, ya know, the tradeoff sucks but what are ya gonna do. Nobody smokes when she is presnt but I know it still lingers. On teh other hand I have an aunt that refuses not to smoke in teh house, even when my daughter is there so she hasn't been to her house in over a year and a half, which bothers my aunt, but I guess not enough to give up smoking. Try to make visits at your house more frequent, I tell my aunt if she ever wants to see my daughter she can come to me and I also had to tell my mil that if she couldnt handle going outside while my daughter was presnt then she also wouldn't see her anymore. The situation sucks, but there is not much we can do about it but try to make the best of the environment for our children.

Yes. Visit the inlaws and wash the smelly laundry when you get home. You said they are elderly, they may not be around much longer and they are your son's grandparents and your husband's mother and father. Your son needs to spend time with his grandparents. You said your mother in law is trying to quit smoking. I bet she has smoked all of her life - do you know how hard it must be for her to do that? She needs encouragement from you to continue to try to quit. If you are concerned about the smell inside the house, try to find activities outside that can include your inlaws. Maybe you should consider staying at a hotel nearby or sleep with the window open. It is ashame that you limit your visits - grandparents teach children unconditional love amongst other very important life lessons.

If she doesnt smoke in the house during your visits, how are your children being exposed to second hand smoke? I'm not positive but is stale cigarette smell equivelant to second hand smoke? If thats the case i'm in trouble in a previous job i had to spend many nights in hotels a lot of times smoking rooms if no others were available. I am sure the smell bothers you, it is gross. but I would ask your pediatrician if it is damaging to your children. I was not aware that the smell of stale cigarettes was on the list of harmfull secondhand smoke. She is your husbands mother and your childrens grandmother. She deserves to see the children as much as any other grandparents or relatives really. I understand where you are coming from except mine, actually smokes in the house when we are there. the smell is aweful and i cringe everytime. I have no idea where her head is. Anyways, i would find out if it is harmful, im thinking that it is just a superficial issue, yes it smells gross, but if it is not harming the children then i would say you just have to suck it up and deal with it like the rest of us with inlaws. I would never consider keeping your children or your husband from his parents. Get a little sneaky about it, next time you visit bring an air purfier, they work wonders, stick it in your room or your kids or wherever you sleep and run it the entire night. Even better for a holiday gift get them an air purifier tell them you have them in your home and they are amazing for getting rid of germs etc..keep you from getting colds, allergies blah blah blah. I have a wonderful one in my house it is called a germguardian.

Hi B.,
As wild as this may sound, I suggest you offer to have you in-law's house and carpets cleaned at least one of the four times you go there. If you can't hire the work out, consider at least renting a carpet steam cleaner and doing it yourself with environmentally safe products. We rented space in a retail store that stank of the previous tenant's smoking and my cleaning it thoroughly got rid of it all. I did use the best and safest products I could find. Good luck, B..

Honey, you are a saint. First of all, you should stay at a hotel. Second of all, you have your own family now. Your husband should tell his parents that his family will be starting their own holiday traditions and all are welcome to come, but you will no longer be travelling with two small children. If he won't do it, then you need to. Your kids deserve to be healthy, as do you and you deserve to have happy stress-free holidays. Your kids deserve to wake up in their own home on Christmas and Easter. Don't waste another holiday being miserable. Good luck!

Yes my MIL and my MOTHER smoke,

I can't stand it,

Basically what i would do, it purchase a AIR PURIFIER 2 large ones, and each time you visit, bring 2 new filters

this way the air is clear,

http://www.allergyconsumerreview.com/air-purifiers-smoke-...

Honestly its an investment in the future of your family,

You can't abandon them, so the best bet is to create a solution for the long term,

M

Stay at a hotel. Unless money is an issue, your health and your baby's health are more important.

I guess I'll be the bad guy and say it's NOT okay for you to expose your children to smoke! Regardless of how many people have smoked for years and have "never" come down with any problems (which i seriously doubt, they just don't broadcast it), we know how toxic smoke is to every living thing. If I were you (and have been in certain situations) I would visit only during the day, never an overnight time. Or I would get a hotel if you want overnight and certainly tell your inlaws exactly why you're doing it. Because it is a serious health issue to you and your children you should make the right decision for you. I personally wouldn't go anywhere during my pregnancy that would make me sick, and I would never expose my young children to it. I agree that just the smell of smoke probably won't hurt you, but it is disgusting. But again, do what's right for you and I personally wouldn't get all that uptight about hurting their feelings, etc etc. They have to know that it's not just about them and they have to give a little too. If they're willing to meet you halfway then great. Maybe they'll come to that realization.

My parents both used to smoke, but also respected our wishes when were there not to smoke around the kids. I agree that it's horrible to smell your laundry when you get home. I used to wash everything before we left only to have to wash it again when we got home.
It's really just an issue of the smell though. Your children are not at risk being in the same house as long as no one is actually smoking while they are there. The smell is disgusting and bothersome, but it is what it is. Maybe you could get an air purifier for the room you to sleep in while there. Or even open a window just a bit to air it out. It's not easy, but if you value the relationship with that part of your family then it is worth it to visit with them. You might also consider spending fewer holidays there. Nothing says you can't have Christmas at your own house. That way their new gifts won't end up smelling like old, stale cigarettes.

I wanted to add...3 hours is a day trip. You don't even have to stay over night. When we lived 3 hours from family we would drive down, stay for the entire afternoon, and part of the evening (sometimes pretty late). Then drive back to our house. It wasn't a big deal.

Hi B.
It seems there's nothing you can really do about this. My father was always a very heavy smoker and my sister, brother, and I lived in a house growing up which had so much smoke in it it was like a discoteque in the 70s....None of us had any health-related problems after YEARS and YEARS of daily contact. Likewise, my dad continues to smoke heavily and I bring my 2 month old over to visit more than once a week. He doesnt smoke in front of her (usually) but even when he does I dont get caught up in it. From what I know, there would need to be much more contact in order to have any repercussions. I know the population at large is on an anti-smoking bandwagon, but keep in mind that people have smoked all over the world with babies in the house for generations. And I know many people who were never exposed to smoke on a daily basis and wound up with numerous health problems. If your child already had a bad ear infection or asthma then of course I could see a real concern.
The most important thing is to make sure your child(ren) have as much contact with their grandparents as possible - my mother died in '01 and I think every day of how much I wish my daughter could have known her.
However, there is a possibility that you dont want to go visit them for other reasons (which I can understand - I am by no means the president of my mother-in-law's fan club) and that the smoke issue is exacerbated by something else (resentment about having to always go there for holidays, something else, who knows). Perhaps that might be the case.

Can you stay at a hotel? I know grandma might buck the idea but you have to do what is healthiest for you while pregnant and your children. Your inlaws also sound like my dad and stepmom. We have lived in NY for almost 5 years and they haven't been up here once because it is too far for them to drive (6 hours) and my dad is 67 while my stepmom is 71. Meanwhile my inlaws who are 71 and almost 76 have driven from FL to NH on several occasions and from their new home in NC to here in NY to help us when our third child was born last summer. Having said that, my inlaws are not in better health than my dad and stepmom but they do it because it's important to them.

If your MIL won't leave your BIL for a holiday then maybe it is time you had your own family holiday at your house and tell them you will see them when they come up for New Year or whatever the case may be. Either that or I would find a way to make the hotel idea work.

Good luck,
L.

http://APerfectMoment.MyArbonne.com

B., you are a better person than I am. I too have a mother in law who smokes like crazy. I was in her house once when i first met my husband (12 yrs ago) and stayed for a very short time, basically just to meet and have never been in her house again. We have 3 children (8 1/2 yr old B/G twins and a 3yrd old son), they have never seen her house either. I would never expose myself or my children to that smokey tobacco smelling environment. I had spoke to my husband about this immediately after going to her house fortunately for me my husband does not like it either. She lives in Brooklyn and doesn't drive so when we do see her we meet somewhere. Reading what you wrote makes perfect sense how you all wake up coughing - its not right that you are expected to go to their house and put you and your children at risk which is what it is, and your pregnant! 2nd hand smoke is worse than smoking!!! Its very sad because we do not see my mother in law on the holidays but in my mind, she made her choice she chose smoking over her grandchilren! Our visits are also very seldom and like i said we meet for lunch somewhere or at a zoo anywhere convenient. You have to stand up for what you believe, you and your children should not have to be subjected to that. Please do not think i am such a cruel person but this was at one point a big issue around here. My siblings would always comment to me that i was not nice, but they do not understand or have ever been in this situation. Also, remember that you and your husband have a family now and your family is precious and you should protect your family, your children. The last thing you want to do is fight with your husband about this. Talk to him, mae some suggestions. Maybe go to visit with them but dont stay in the house - take them out, for lunch, dinner, etc. Start making the holidays for you, you shouldnt have to travel so far to be miserable and in an environment you dont want you and your children in. Good Luck!

J. B.

B.,

I can understand where you are coming from. Although I have never spent the nice at a house where someone smokes, my step-son (who lives with us) would come back from visits with his mother smelling like a chimney. It was awful. His mom and step-dad are court ordered not to smoke around him, but that doesn't change the fact that the house reeks. I don't care how much you try to purify the air, that smell is still in everything else, and it may be true that it is only the actual smoke that is dangerous, but I don't buy it.

If I were you I would save up and stay in a hotel. It will make you happier, which will drastically improve the quality of your visit, and save your lungs at the same time. However, my husband and I started doing our own traditions for the holidays, with the grandparents welcome to come. Children don't need to be carted around on holidays. You deserve to have your own traditions. I liked the idea that you would go get them.

Any way you deal with it, it is a tough situation. I personally wouldn't compromise when it comes to smoking because my children don't deserve to be subjected to that, family or not.

D.