Asking Inlaws to Stay at Hotel When We Bring Home Baby?

Try sending them a list of nearby hotels they should consider for their trip and offer to help them find a really good price using priceline or hotwire. Tell them you are looking forward to their visit but admit you do not think you can handle the stress of house guests. Offer to help pay for the hotel. Good luck.

This is hard to say without sounding...well...weird. Use your husband like nobody's business on this one. Have HIM talk to father-inlaw...have HIM talk to uncle. Men will discuss for a few minutes, resolve and then have no hard feelings. They dont carry around that "did I hurt his feelings" business that we do. Father-in-law will get Mother-in-law on board without it having ANYTHING to do with you. I MADE my husband be that "guy" throughout my whole birthing process....you know what?...he doesnt EVEN remember manipulating the nurse, telling people to get out of the house, or even "fibbing" to people about WHY they couldnt come over to "see the baby"!!!! Your MIL is HIS Mom...let him work it out!!!

After all, YOU AND YOUR BABY are the important ones right now...not MIL, FIL or Uncle!!!! I say when you pass a human being out of your body...it trumps all other problems!!!! Hubby needs to take the bull by the horns on this one!!!

BTW, Good Luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Hi CF - I would suggest being kind but direct. "MIL, I am so happy that you are coming to visit after the baby is born but I really really need Dad and "uncle joe" to get a hotel room. If you would like to stay and use the guest room, it would be very welcome. I just dont think I can handle a house full of men right when I get home, especially since we dont have beds for everyone. Uncle Joe may not mind the couch but I'm going to be up at all hours of the night and may need to take the baby down there to nurse or do whatever. You are so gracious for wanting to help but this is important to me and I really need to do it that way. Here are some names of places close to our house. Thanks so much for understanding."

Being the pregnant one, you get to call the shots and everyone will survive. Let them be mad, sad, throw tantrums, etc. This is your show. Everyone will just have to get over it. Nobody should have to entertain or host right after having a baby.

I do not get along with my inlaws at all and they always insist on staying at our home. When I gave birth to my first daughter they stayed a week (which I agree was entirely TOO long---especially because they did not help out AT ALL---I had to clean up after them and it just made the experience harder for me). BUT---I also made them wait 2 weeks before they came to visit. I had my husband tell them it would be better if they wait and let us get acclimated to the new situation and being new parents.

Now they live closer so I don't have to worry about them trying to stay the night---but if we lived far away I would have to insist they stay in a hotel. I would have my husband tell them as it is HIS parents. I would have him simply say---- "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think it would be easier for all of us if you stayed in a hotel when you came to visit.Because we really don't have the room for everyone and it's already going to be such a drastic change for us and our daughter; it would just be easier if we didn't have a house full of people when trying to adjust and everything." If his parents are insulted...oh well. they'll get over it. You shouldn't be so concerned with their feelings...what about yours???? You know how exhausting it is to have 1 child----imagine how you're going to feel with 2 AND with trying to host people in your house. No way.

Either tell your husband to tell them the following or do it yourself -and you have TONS of literature about having a baby to back you up -you can't wait to see them; you're very excited that they are coming for the birth, but you really want to be able to completely relax with your new baby and your other child and husband, and you know you won't feel like being much of a hostess right after the birth, so would they please stay in a hotel. Quite honestly -this is your husband's family, so he REALLY needs to step up and handle it (seriously -you're the one who is actually giving birth, so he should be able to deal with this ;-) Your mother in law is being rather thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Always consider this when having to do this type of thing -it may be nerve-wracking, or someone may get their feelings hurt (although they shouldn't), but ultimately when it's an important event -what will you be really glad you did in the end? That week after you have your baby, you KNOW you're going to be so much happier if your house hasn't been invaded!

Hello CF-

In laws can be tough. Right after my husband & I were married my MIL came & stayed with us for a month, we finally had to buy her a ticket home!

First, you need to talk to your husband, using I statements, "I feel we will need us time." "I feel worried about so many people in the home". Then you need to tell him what you need, "I need you to support me in asking your family to stay elsewhere." I've found when I'm blunt about my needs, my husband hears me and understands.

You can easily say you want family time, are worried about germs etc.

The biggest thing is that your husband needs to bring the subject up to his family and say that "we" want them to stay at a hotel. Make sure you & your husband set an action plan first. The times they can come over, like 7 am- 9pm. Also have a safe word that tells your husband he needs to get people out of the house, like, "I want a nap..."

Good Luck! You deserve family time after a baby!

R. Magby

I think it's totally inappropriate for inlaws to presume to bring uncle for this intimate time. You are in no position to play hostess, and your inlaws are there to help YOU. You don't need a man you are not related to and have met only once there when you may be a weepy mess of hormones and leaking breasts and unable to find time or energy for a shower. Your husband needs to speak to them about this immediately - that their visit needs to wait til after uncle goes home or they can come with him and stay in a hotel for a couple of days, not a whole week. The inlaws can come for a couple of days (I just took a weekend trip - one overnight - to Maryland 5 1/2 hours each way) and leave the uncle at their home. He'll be there a whole month, he can figure out how to entertain himself for 3 days. Your MIL is very insensitive to think that someone you and your husband are not close to should be sharing this private and special time with you. I think sometimes people of MIL's generation also forget that when we come home with a new baby, it's a day or two after the birth, not a week or two.

I have not read all of the responses but I glanced and saw that everyone thought that the uncle-houseguest was too much to handle, and I agree. I just wanted to comment on your MIL staying a week again, and say that you will likely appreciate the extended help more this time than last time, since you will have the older child as well. I think it would be nice to spread out the help, however, and ask your MIL to com when your husband goes back to work. That will give you the longest stretch of help and give you and hubby time to enjoy the new family w/o houseguests. Don't stress too much....recognize the blessings. : )

Shannon B's answer was spot on because it's true. You have a daughter who will having some big changes, and you and your husband need the time alone. His parents- his job to tell them. My MIL and sister visited for a week or more when I had mine. They stayed at a hotel that was close enough to walk if they wanted to. It was just right.

It is not selfish at all for you and your husband to want some special family time to welcome your new baby, and I think he should tell your MIL that is the reason you both would prefer they stay at a hotel. If you are able, offer to pay for their room at a nearby hotel. I am a MIL myself, and have always told my DIL that I'm available to stay and help when the children are born, but I want them to let me know if that's what they want. I will always try to be there, but wouldn't plan on staying, especially not with them, unless I'm asked. (Grandbaby #4 is due this summer, and yes, they have asked me to come help :). Your husband should be the one to discuss this with them, since they are his parents. Of course they are excited about the new baby, but they should understand, and if they don't, they'll get over it. He can stress that they are welcome to visit a few hours each day, but that neither of you want stayover guests -family or not-at this time. Best of luck, and congratulations on your newest little angel!

I would straight out tell them that you are not up to hosting three people in your home when you have a newborn baby and your other child(ren) to take care of. Let the ILs know that they can either stay in a hotel, or come to visit in a month or two (ie: on a week well after the uncle has gone back home.) Also, would your husband be willing to talk to them about this? In my marriage, my husband deals with his family and I deal with mine - seems to reduce the likelihood of hard feelings that way.

Can I first just say that if you don't just bite the bullet now, you're going to miss out on enjoying a once in a lifetime experience ~ the arrival of your baby and bonding with her. It is possible that your MIL may get offended, but there's also the chance that she won't and you won't know for sure until you say how "you" truly feel. From your posting you've only been hinting about how the uncle will feel and they've made it clear that "he" will be fine. Clearly that approach will not be going anywhere, except in circles. You need to be honest, direct and to the point. (don't beat around the bush) You already have the words and nice way to say:
"To tell you the truth I'm just not up for hosting people when I come home from the hospital. I have only met the uncle one time and my husband has never been close with him. I don't think I should have to feel uncomfortable in my own home"
You will never regret it if you fix it now and go on to enjoy your daughter's birth just as you have always dreamed it. On the other hand you may regret not doing anything about it when you had the chance to.
I know it won't be easy good luck to you and congratulations and enjoy your tiny new arrival.

Are you serious???!!! I cannot imagine a virtual stranger sleeping on my couch the first week after giving birth. I wouldn't want anyone but my Husband and kiddos staying in my home the first few days. That's special, personal bonding time, especially when you have another child. You need you husband to politely and firmly tell his Mom that your little family needs a few days to be together. The inlaws could stay at a hotel and spend time with you during the day and evenings helping out and bonding with the new family member. There is no question that having anyone sleeping in your living room would be uncomfortable for both you and him!

First of all, I think your husband should handle this. It's his parents, and will be better received coming from him rather than you.

Secondly, I think it's completely realistic to ask them to stay in a hotel. You're having a baby for goodness sakes! But, I think he needs to be direct ("We think it would be best if you could sleep at the hotel while you're visiting, but come over during the daytime. Having a new baby is stressful.") Being indirect only leads to miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Whatever you do, be polite but also remember that your family is your husband and children. Your in-laws are extended family, but your strongest allegiance should be to your husband and children (and same for him with you). If it comes down to a really sticky issue, I think he needs to be on your side, not theirs.

Don't think of your feelings as unimportant. THis isn't just any visit for them, this is the birth of your child. I hope they will understand, as obviously she has been through it at least once (with the birth of her son, your husband). Maybe your husband could use that angle - "Mom, you know how it is being a new mom to a newborn baby..."

Good Luck!

I personally think you have the right, especially after coming home with a brand new baby, to be comfortable in your own home. Sometimes you have to put yourself and your family first. If you are not comfortable confronting your MIL, your husband should talk to her. I would make sure to tell her how much you appreciate her coming to help out. As a woman and mom herself, if you are open and honest with her, she should understand. If not, she will just have to get over it =)

I totally agree with you!! I think you should talk with your husband about what you want and then your husband can speak to his parents. They may be upset, but it is your decision and it isn't a time you should have to accomodate someone else. Your in laws should have asked when they could come and visit and they should have never assumed they would be staying with you. They are also very rude in assuming a family member you hardly know would be welcomed in your home. Having two children is quite an adjustment and you are not going to want to have to entertain people during this transition. The in laws and other family should be able to visit while you are in the hospital and then go home and let your new family have time to be together. They can come for a longer visit after things have settled down a bit and you've had time to heal. Then they can still stay in a hotel and I know Tyler has many nice new ones because that's where I'm from! Good luck and put your needs and that of your children and husband above all others. You'll be happy you did even if others don't understand. Good luck!

I'm in a similar situation in that I am now 30+ weeks pregnant and both sets of parents live out of town. We also requested that no one stay with us for the first 2 weeks, explaining that they were welcome to come see our new baby and older daughter, but there probably won't be a lot of sleeping going on in our house and it would probably be wise for them to stay elsewhere. Our daughter gets excited when either set of grandparents arrives and rarely seems to sleep well, which means I also don't sleep well. Adding a new baby to the mix should make it lots of fun!

Good luck and enjoy your new addition!!!

This caused a lot of drama between my family and I but I put my foot down and had THE BEST birth experiences ever.

I didn't want anyone in the room except my husband. I didn't want anyone to stay at our house. I didn't want anyone to come visit for looong afternoons/evenings at a time. You get the idea.

I am an extremely private person, and my mom and I have an odd relationship anyway - so the thought of her staying with me once we got home was *super* invasive to me.

Do what you need to do. Do what you want to do. It is more important that you are in the right frame of mind than it is to keep everyone else happy.

I agree with everyone else. You don't need the stress at a time that should be a bonding time for your family. Be HONEST with them and if they really love you and your husband, they won't be self-centered and will give you that time together.

I wouldn't even think twice about it. The way I see it, he will be uncomfortable and you will be uncomfortable and they need to find a hotel. Especially since he is not a familiar face in the family. You don't need the added stress from having a baby and induction. OR hold off on having the baby. LOL! he'll be gone after a week right?
Also, prepare your daughter, because kids say the darnest things and she may just blurt out those embarrasing words that just don't need to be said. My neice said it to my step-father and well it was funny for us but disheartening for him!

I just wanted to include my story to encourage you. When my daughter was born, I asked my parents (who lived 5 hours away) to bring their RV up so they weren't always under foot in the house. Since I was induced Labor Day weekend, the local RV parks were full. So we offered to get them a hotel room. My mom smelled smoke in the room and left the hotel and asked if they could stay with us. I explained that was fine, but when I came home from the hospital, I wanted time to bond with just my husband and daughter. Did my parents like it? No. But I'm pretty sure there aren't still hard feelings 2.5 years later. (Hard feelings about not being allowed in the waiting room when I was in labor, maybe. But I stuck to "me and hubby ONLY" in the hospital until after baby is here as well.) You and your husband just have to explain what you want (as nicely as possible), and stick to your guns. Good luck!

You should not have to be worrying about this, your husband should. Since it is his family, he needs to talk to them and insist that they stay at a hotel. He should also say that BOTH of you want this, not just you. As a married couple you are now one, and this is the decision both of you have made. You should not have to deal with issues with his parents, and vise versa. When my husband and I went to pre-marital counseling, this was the biggest lesson I will always remember. When it comes to family, we each take care of our own, while representing the wishes of us both. God Bless you and your new addition!

U have every right to not "attend" or "host" ur guest. You will be home from the hospital with a new baby, tired and all. Don't worry about that, believe me, they will understand. Maybe u might wanna tell ur hubby in advance that u apologize for any rudeness or off behavior when u come home from the hospital cuz u will be tried , sleepy, restless, etc etc. I told my husband the same thing and apologized, I told him before i had the baby and when i arrived home. His mother stayed with me for a whole week and before the week was over i was losing it.. with the new baby and being tired and trying to juggle new things adjusting and all i'm sure i was rude at times without even knowing. And he told me not to worry that he understands blah blah blah. Don't let it stress u, as far as the uncle.. hmm i don't know. explain to ur husband how hectic and crazy things will be around the house when the baby comes home, waking up every two hrs, the crying, the privacy , tell him with all that and more, maybe his uncle might wanna stay at a hotel???? Good luck, and remember whenever u stress ur baby can feel it too.

Wow, sounds a little stressful and I'm not even going through this... I would first ask my husband to just come out and ask his mother to stay in a hotel with the uncle. If he's uncomfortable doing it or she doesn't get the point than I don't think there's anything at all wrong with you asking her... These are not typical circumstances so hopefully they'll understand. If they get upset or try to "work it out" in another way, just stick to your guns. You should not feel stressed or uncomfortable in your own home after bringing a newborn home. That's a tough time for mom so hopefully they'll understand that. Good luck!

You need to talk to your Husband,and then talk to your MIL together.And tell her that you are so glad they are coming up to visit and so thankful you will be having her there to help in the first week.But you do feel that with an extra guest that it would be a bit much for you after having a baby.And that YOU do not want a guest to feel you are not much of a host or feel like you are putting him out to ask him to sleep on the couch.So for you and your Husband's comfort while your healing you would prefer for them to stay the nights in a hotel room.

Dear CF:

Hosting family at the same time you bring home a newborn, no thanks! Frankly, it's rude of your MIL to just assume she can bring a guest. You need to stop hinting. Politely state that while you can host your MIL, there is no room at the house at this time for anyone else.

When I came home with my daughter I used the couch in the den to nurse her -- every three hours. It was far more comfortable for my back than trying to sit up in bed and do it. I also was so tired from the lack of sleep I nearly bit of my father-in-law's head a couple of times anyway, and they had a guest room and weren't underfoot!

Good luck!

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

You are SO right!!! You should not be stressing out during this time; nor should be hosting ANYONE after you have a baby. Your job is to rest and nurse that baby. If anyone is at your home, it should be someone who is there to HELP YOU with other household duties like taking care of shopping, cooking, laundry, childcare of other children, etc. YOUR HUSBAND should handle this situation and limit visits from them to 2 hours a day the MOST. Encourage the inlaws to bring dinner and share dinner with you. Otherwise they need to entertain themselves some other place. You need this time to bond with your new baby, husband and your other child.

This is what I teach my childbirth education students.

K. Voigtsberger
www.wholeheartbirth.com

Your husband should be the one to tell them they can't stay if you decide that you really don't want them to. But they will be hurt and their relationship with you will probably change forever- especially when it you are changing plans- and also when they came ans stayed last time and this time you don't want them to. I am sure your MIL is trying to be helpful by saying the couch is fine and not thinking how uncomfortable it will be for you having a stranger on your couch when you just want to relax with your family. But your husband will be there, so at least he will be a buffer and can the entertaining and hosting. Good luck :) I've been lucky to never have guests while I am recovering from pregnancy- but I know I would not have enjoyed it!

Yes, you and your husband need to agree that they either stay in a motel or come later and then he needs to be the one to tell them. Please do not feel guilty that you want this time for yourself and your family. It is very important for you to be assertive about this. Your need takes priority.

I liked the idea that your husband talk with his Dad. If the men in his family do function this way, ie. listen, decide and move on, then this could be the easiest way to do it.

Assertive, direct and sympathetic at the same time is the way to go. I imagine your in-laws think that they are coming to help you. If so don't mention them being guests or you hosting. Have your husband tell them that you appreciate that they want to help but that both of you want just your family during this time. Suggest, that you would enjoy seeing them and perhaps suggest a time for them to do this. Focus on your needs while understanding their wishes. Stay focused on your goal and do not let them talk you out of it.

It is not selfish or rude for you to have just your family at this time. It's also reasonable and should be easily understood. If they take offense it is their problem. We cannot make everyone happy. Sympathize with them but stick with your plan.

You are absolutely right. Having a new baby is enough for anyone, you can't have a houseguest, especially someone you hardly know!
I would talk honestly to your MIL, probably a job for hubby, and say that we just can't have guests. Anyone coming to work is fine, everyone else is too much. It's your home, you can make this call. Good luck!

It is stressing you out because it is stressful. There is a line where a visit is more of a burden than a help and they have just crossed it. I am afraid your hinting will not be of much help since they are not inclined to take a hint. There will be some hurt feelings involved but you are a big girl and you can take it. If you can frame it around " I am too stressed at this time to host so I have some numbers of good hotels around because I know you would never want me to be stressed around the time of my child's birth since you have been so good to help in times past. This time, I would like this special time to bond our small family in a nonstressful, intimate way and would still love to have you close to visit and of course to help! I hope you don't take this wrong but I can't get over the feeling that I would need to be making sure everyone else was ok while missing this "once in a lifetime" event with our new daughter/son." Stick to your guns girl, because this is a one time event. Sound like I might have liked to have done this before?! I have and
just so you know, people like this do it often and you will need to be up front more often than you think. I "hosted" my MIL and FIL last year for two weeks the week school started and the week of graduation for my oldest.
They just don't get that it might be a burden. Don't hold it in because then you will have feelings of resentment that could build up and really ruin a good relationship!
Best of Luck,
B.

As a mother, grandmother of 2 and soon to be 3 - It is your HUSBAND'S responsibility to just tell his parents you prefer to have only you, him and your children at home together for a time you specify. Call it family bonding or whatever. I had an intrusive mother in law when my first, now 38, was born. I was a wreck. The 2nd and 3rd time was just great being alone. Be firm but gentle and state your request to your husband.

Make your husband tell his mother and make SURE he is FIRM! You don't need that stress! Congrats and good luck!!

Girl, shame on them for even putting you in this position right when you're about to celebrate a new baby. Just politely tell them that they'll need to get a hotel room. Do they have email? If so, send them a very nice and loving email with a few links to some hotel options that are near your home. If they choose to be offended, then shame on them again. Congratulations and best wishes to you!

Speak up! OMG, I could NEVER host even just my in-laws much less them plus someone else right after giving birth! It is SO important to have quiet time, bonding time with your immediate family, rest and relaxation. Call and speak to her, tell her that they are welcomed but they need to get a hotel. Explain your exhaustian, your needs, everything. She should understand.... if not, she'll get over it! Really! Your husband should've already nipped this in the bud, but since he didn't, handle it. Put on your big girl pants and tell it like it is. It is your house, and it is your birth. Good luck!

Great avice so far. One thing for hubby to tell his mother is you guys want to focus attention on your oldest when you come home from the hospital so she doesn't fell left out. That's easier done without houseguest. Having had two, it's difficult givng both kids the attention they need at first. God bless you and your expanding family!

They need to stay at the hotel. It IS rude of them to assume anyone can stay at your house --- especially after you've just had a baby. What if you end up having a c-section? I had an emergency one with my first child. My husband's step mother was RUDE and invited his family to our hone for dinner 2 weeks after I had our little one. I should have put my foot down then. Other relatives were very upset with her when they found out what happened. Trust me, I will not be allowing this type of behaviour again. I would just pleasantly say no and leave it at that with no further explaination. It is not their home.

Just like others have said, stand your ground! I had to deal with this too...and after my husband talked to his mom and still didn't get it solved, I called! And then my hormones started rolling and I just started off telling her if she got offended too bad...but this was a huge milestone for me and my husbnad and tell her you both agree that you only want you at the house.
Tell her you are happy they will be here for her birth, but you want bonding time because you are the MOTHER now.
Mine understood...even though to this day we still butt heads about her visits. She went from coming to visit 1 time a year, when we had no kids, to every 2 months! It sucks!! Haahaa...especially since my MIL doesn't help me at all!!
Good luck!!

I am in agreement with the resonses I glanced through. It is way too much to expect you to have a "houseful" when you get home from the hospital - especially an uncle who you barely know. We've had recurring issues such as this in our marriage and quite frankly, I think it boils down to RESPECT. It is you and your husband's call and feelings aside, his parents should respect your decision. You are adults and should not feel pressured into an uncomfortable situation. Put your foot down now. After 17 years of marriage, we are still learning this lesson, but are finally getting there. Trust me, you'll be better off if you stand up for yourselves early on! Best wishes to you!

Hmmm. I'm not used to relatives telling me who they're bringing. Usually, the mother or MIL comes to help without the husband.

Anyway, I think a good response when they brought this up would have been, "Oh, dear. That won't work out as we don't have any other place for him to sleep and put his things. I (or my wife) will need some privacy and ability to be anywhere else when nursing or rocking a sleeping baby or needing to nap. Would you like for me to check out nearby hotels for him? -

- Well, now that that golden opportunity has passed, so change it up just a smidge by starting it off with: " I don't know what we were thinking. We will be wanting the ability to use the living room whenever needed for a baby that might be colicky, or so my wife can watch TV if the nursing takes a long time, and all. Would you like me to find out what hotels are nearby? If they protest for some silly reason, your husband should use the "broken record approach." Just repeat what he said the first time. Ignore debating it (like, but your uncle doesn't have the money or can't rent a car." Not your problem. He should be comfortable in protecting #1 and #2 (the baby and you) and not bend to unreasonable requests that would negatively affect you both.)

If the parent's response is very difficult and he doesn't know how to respond at that moment, suggest he say that he must answer the door and he'll get back to them. Perhaps he doesn't get back to them for a week. And say he just hasn't had a chance to think about it with all that's going on. His head is swimming with responsibilities and decisions and you just appreciate their understanding and helping them with everything.

Lastly, in my family, we would NEVER ask the baby helper to go to a hotel but if we did for any reason, we would offer to pay for the hotel. Can't afford it? Maybe neither can they. When you're retired, you may not have spare money, only lots of spare love and help.

You cannot win in this situation because it sounds like the MIL cannot be reckoned with. In this situation, your husband should be the one communicating this issue with his parents - not you. What if your first child went and stayed with your parents during all this? Then you wouldn't have to fret about a near-stranger being in your home during a time when your attention needs to be focused on only two things: your baby and you - nobody else.