So What Would You Do, Do You Think? ETA* One Final ETA**

kind of a weird fantasy scenario.

i guess i'd be super sweet to her (not her fault) and tell them that they can either bunk in sleeping bags on (separate) couches or floors, or get a hotel room.

i mean, what else is there?
khairete
S.

I trust my son and would support him in his relationship if he felt it was serious enough to bring her home to meet mom. I would welcome her into my home with open arms and ask them what type of accommodations they prefer (one bedroom or two) since they are adults who are old enough to enlist and fight for this country and can certainly make their own choices, and must be allowed to make their own mistakes as well.

If it was a matter of us truly not having space I would help with a hotel room, after 4 years in (so should be higher than an E-1) and being deployed (getting that extra pay) he should be able to afford an airbnb or something just for the part of the visit where I had other guests staying. If I would not have room the entire month I would set them up in the living or family room.

You can ETA all you want but the advice will be the same. Your son ignores and disrespects you because you allow him to. You consider his poor choices your problem (it's certainly NOT your problem if he arrives with a girl and they are forced to sleep on the floor.) Hopefully the military will teach him some kind of personal responsibility because he has apparently never had to face any consequences to his behavior, attitude and poor habits.

Aren't you planning on moving in the next 3 months?

You should also let people know that HBL - is home blocked leave - or for those who don't have a military background - PTO.

My thoughts would be that if my grown adult son came home with a girl for the Holidays? I would welcome them into my home and ensure they BOTH know that the sleeping arrangements are NOT in the SAME room. If you truly believe this is going to happen? Then reserve a room at the local hotel for him NOW.

I'm confused - in your moving post - you stated you will have no kids with you. So I was under the impression that you put the 19 year old in a home like you had posted about before. Is HE going to be making the move with you??

Since he's in the military? He REALLY NEEDS to talk with his First Shirt and a financial counselor so he doesn't get booted out for financial irresponsibility. He needs to get his finances in order so that he can grow up. Any girl who hangs with him long enough will see that he is not financially responsible and will dump him when the money is gone.

It seems like the priorities are wrong here. I'd stress financial responsibility and maintaining his income and job. Maybe he needs to talk with his First Shirt about his situation and get help. that's what they are there for.

OMG kids can drive you nuts no matter their age.

I would have a chat with him before he comes reminding him that there's no girlfriends allowed in your house for overnight visits. Lather, rinse, repeat every conversation.

If he shows up at the airport with a girlfriend in tow ask him which hotel he has reservations at. If he replies none then tell him to get on his phone and find one.

Don't cave on this because he'll just keep doing it.

Honestly with everything else you have going on, I wouldn't sweat this. I would treat her like any other guest, I guess. So he shows up and there she is and after a brief conversation, you realize what the plan is. I would then take your son aside and tell him to go ahead and spend 30 minutes getting his room guest-ready because he will be sleeping on the couch while she stays in his room, alone. He can change the sheets, put away his personal effects, get a pillow and blanket for the couch and there you go. If he's the type to try to spring something like this on you, then he can handle being uncomfortable. This would seem like a reasonable accommodation to me - you don't have to have some giant drama that will ruin your holidays and his visit, but you're not letting him run roughshod over your house rules.

I'm going to push you a little, and wonder if you should re-think your policy. In this world where kids move far away from their parents, at some point every kid really IS going to meet "the one" and hopefully, if you haven't alienated them, want you to meet that person. That's not easily done when kids live long drives or even plane rides away from their parents. Are you really going to forbid them from bringing their future spouses to your home for holidays? I think that if you hold hard and fast to your policy, it will be at the expense of your future relationship with your child because they will be hesitant to come home for holidays and other events because you are making them choose between their significant other and you. And it won't help you establish good relationships with your future sons and daughters in law either, because your policy is going to severely limit the amount of time that you spend getting to know your future daughters/sons in law before the wedding.

I'm not saying it should be a free for all at your house. You can still enforce a rule where non-married people don't get to sleep in the same room as their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/significant other. But my plan, when mine are older, is to try to make my house welcoming to everyone, and not make my kids choose between me and their (potentially) future spouses. That's what my parents did (and my in-laws too) and I think they were pretty good parenting role models.

Yikes. Well, if he did show up with a girl I would probably let her stay but they would have to sleep separately. It sounds like you have a full house, so I would just tell her (and him) up front that if she wishes to stay, then she will be sleeping in less than ideal conditions and will be expected to pitch in with help during meal times, etc.

He's really stuck between adolescence and adulthood, isn't he? How frustrating for all.

My son, for a number of years, tended to fall in love hard. He didn't do it as often as your son, and he stayed in relationships for over a year. The break-up was followed by a feeling of being crushed. That lasted for a while, and then there was another deep love. Lather, rinse, repeat. After the 3rd breakup, he got some counseling. That helped him focus professionally and personally, and he's really on a terrific path now. He's in a great relationship in which he's had to face some hard truths about himself and make some adjustments to keep the relationship. So that's real growth.

Your son is younger, and it sounds like he's really sowing his wild oats being both on his own and far from home, as well as (perhaps) rebelling against military structure/discipline with a fairly undisciplined social life. (Aside: I hope he is taking precautions against sexually transmitted infections, to protect himself and the women he is with).

Your house, your rules, of course. If your son is so immature that he would "trap" you into welcoming a lover, then the lessons on manipulation haven't taken hold yet. That your older children think he would do this is very telling. I think you should be cautious, though, about confiding your concerns or strategies with them, as they might tell their brother even if it's in the interest of helping you and your husband out by trying to argue your point with their brother.

If you are prepping to move, then I agree with the comment below about doing some serious downsizing beforehand. I would not pay to put them up in a hotel even if I could afford it. Your son is an adult. He gets a salary. It's up to him to bank a small amount of that each pay period to fund his leave, including her airfare and their hotel room. I think there's some value to being welcoming and polite to any woman he brings home - usually, rejecting our children's love interests makes our kids hold on even tighter. Even though my son's prior relationship was (in our eyes) not beneficial for him, we welcomed her here for dinners and so on, so that he wasn't forced to decide between her and us. So, if they did stay in a hotel, you have to let that go. You have some indication of his sexual life with all these women and deep loves of a few weeks or days. So pretending he's a virgin or whatever is probably silly. So what doesn't go on under your roof should be beyond your commentary and judgment. You don't have to ask about it or hear about it.

If they show up on your doorstep and expect to be put up, I would think you could make it as limited as possible while still being polite and hospitable. So, figure out now where people would sleep. I'm not sure who else is around, but I'd be sure to have her share a room with a daughter or put her in a small roll-away bed you borrow from a neighbor (don't have it on hand in your home ahead of time though) or your son can head down to the rental place and rent one. Or he can go to Target or the camping store and buy an air mattress. Which doesn't mean you put it on the floor of his room. The more people have to sleep on the floor, in a basement or in a large walk-in closet because you simply had no idea they were coming, the less fun and relaxing it's going to be and the more you force your son to be an adult and endure the consequences of his decisions. He doesn't plan? He gets the floor. And it's okay if the woman sees that he's not so much of a catch after all - seeing people in their real world and real lives is an eye-opening thing sometimes.

Now, you have to have another strategy if you put him in his old room/bed and you wake up every morning to find she has crawled into bed with him. You decide now whether you're going to "see" that or not. If you see it, what's your plan? What's your control method? How are you going to balance your moral code against your desire to see your soon for this important leave? I don't know the answer to that - I'm just saying that's the question you have to answer for yourselves.

I think, if you go to the airport, and he has someone with him, you stop and pause, look puzzled, and say, "I don't understand, but it's nice to meet you." Then you ask, "What's your plan, son?" If he says he wants her to stay with you, you can say something like "Well, I'd like to say there is always room at the inn. We'll have to figure some things out and do some scrambling since we had no idea you'd be bringing a guest. Let's get your bags and you can tell us more about what you are thinking." I'd let him do the talking from then on out. You have to act surprised as if you never considered this eventuality, which also gives you time to think. If your response seems too planned out like you've had a ton of time to consider options and rehearse answers, it won't go well for anyone. If he says he expects her to stay with him, you can say, "You know our house rules which haven't changed. So what's your Plan B?" Leave it to him to be a grown-up and come up with a solution you can live with. You don't (I assume) want him to get angry and leave in a huff. As always, we're better off if we know where our kids are - unless it goes too far with too much disrespect. Then you kiss him, and the visit, goodbye. If he's really defiant, he'll haul off and marry her, and that gives you more problems.

"Terrifying" that he would break up during the visit? Why? What's terrifying for you? How would this be your problem? He breaks up, he takes her to the airport and sends her home, I guess. His problem. Your comment is only, "You're an adult now, dear, so I trust you to plan out and manage your relationships."

Won't you be moved by then? Besides, you know what they say about worry, it's like paying interest on a debt you'll likely never incur.
And even if this DOES happen, and you're still out in the country, just have her sleep on the couch. Problem solved.

Kind of hard to deal with all the 'what ifs'.
Where's the nearest hotel?
Could you (or your son) rent a mobile home or camper for the month of his leave?
What if he decides to spend his leave with his latest love of his life somewhere else?
You are preparing for a move - you might downsize your furniture before the holidays so no spare beds are available for uninvited guests.

Anyone who hops from true love to true love is basically in love with the IDEA of finding true love without considering their current love interest du jour.
It's not love until he cares enough about the others happiness more than his own.

With his track record it's hard to imagine he'll really find 'the one' anytime soon - but hopefully someday he will - and eventually you will have a daughter in law.
If - just maybe - this happens - and you start off on a bad foot with a daughter in law - how are you going to recover from it?

Your home is your home - you have a total say in who stays as guests and for how long.
I'm sure the military has required your son to mature in certain ways.
You might have to raise your expectations of him - treat him like the adult you hope he'll develop into - and also consider your boundaries are appropriate for an adult and not a child/teen.
Don't guess what he'll do - expressly tell him you can not accommodate guests over the holidays.
You have enough going on and you want your kids and immediate family only.
If he does something totally against what you have asked - and you've been clear about what you expect - then he needs to take his latest squeeze and spend his holiday somewhere else.
He'll have effectively made his choice and he'll have to live with the consequences just like every other adult on the planet.
There are always choices and alternatives - you/your son might not be happy about them but never let him think he can hold you over a barrel and hold you hostage to his whims.

Additional:
You are a problem solver.
You like figuring them out and coming up with solutions.
I gently suggest that if you want your 21 year old to learn - you need to stop solving his problems especially if he's creating them.

The money that you've put aside for him - you are enabling him to blow through it like he does with his salary.
Please - just don't.
Continue to hold it for him and give it to him when you originally figured you would.
He might still blow through it - but there's hope he might learn before then.

If you tell him 'No guests for the holidays' and if he brings one anyway - let him figure it out and come up with his own solution with his own current means.

He needs to learn that you mean what you say - no caving in on a guest otherwise he learns that he can do what he wants and he'll continue to do so.
And he NEEDS to learn you will not bail him out of his financial troubles.
Yeah, he's young - this is how some of them have to learn - and unfortunately some of them take awhile to learn it - so the sooner he starts the hard lessons the sooner he hopefully will learn before he runs into some serious debt.

IF he asks you for advice - tell him he needs to pay himself first every pay check - he needs to put a percentage in a bank and then leave it alone.
If you want him to be able to retire someday - he needs to start learning to save and budget.

He's 21 - don't give him access to money and stop solving his problems.

If you're really worried, have a phone conversation with him now and remind him very directly that you cannot accommodate any overnight guests in your house. So if he's planning on bringing home a girlfriend, he should plan to book a hotel room for her or for them to stay while she is in-town, plus plan transportation. The fact that he has no money and no vehicle is something that he is going to have to deal with as an adult. Until he has some money saved, or unless the guest that he brings around is financing a visit, he isn't ready to be doing any inviting.

If he still just shows up with someone, I'd put JB's plan into effect. He is an adult at 21. But your house, your rules, he needs to respect and he can sleep on a couch. I would let him know afterwards and privately that a surprise overnight guest at the door was not appreciated, and to please talk to you about this in advance of just dropping it on you unexpectedly. Not the young girlfriend's fault, so I would be kind and open to her the whole time if he brings someone around.

Updated

If you're really worried, have a phone conversation with him now and remind him very directly that you cannot accommodate any overnight guests in your house. So if he's planning on bringing home a girlfriend, he should plan to book a hotel room for her or for them to stay while she is in-town, plus plan transportation. The fact that he has no money and no vehicle is something that he is going to have to deal with as an adult. Until he has some money saved, or unless the guest that he brings around is financing a visit, he isn't ready to be doing any inviting.

If he still just shows up with someone, I'd put JB's plan into effect. He is an adult at 21. But your house, your rules, he needs to respect and he can sleep on a couch. I would let him know afterwards and privately that a surprise overnight guest at the door was not appreciated, and to please talk to you about this in advance of just dropping it on you unexpectedly. Not the young girlfriend's fault, so I would be kind and open to her the whole time if he brings someone around.

I do get what you're thinking about. My brother was like your son when he was in his late teens, early 20s. There was a constant streams of "the one", and we eventually called them "the one du jour" or "today's one". He told me once that he had met the girl he was going to marry. I skeptically asked about her, he said her name was either Melanie or Melody, and she took his phone call when he called some company to order a book. But for a couple of days, she was "the one". And young foolish military marriages are a real concern. When our son was born in a military hospital (my dh was in the Navy), I was in a ward kind of setting with several other new (very young) moms. The things I overheard shocked me. One extremely young mom, when asked her husband's rate and duty station, said something like "I don't know - he wears a blue shirt".

It sounds like you have told your son the rules and expectations a hundred times or so. He knows what is expected, from his family and the military, but he's not willing to put it all into practice.

I'd be kind, and polite, if a girl accompanied him home for the holidays, but I wouldn't go overboard. I'd have your guest room set up for your daughters and families, I'd keep your special needs son's accommodations unchanged which might make the holiday hustle-and-bustle a little easier on him, and I'd have 2 sleeping bags available for your son and potential girlfriend. I would make sure there were no extra beds or sofas available for crashing on. After all, your son is employed, earning a paycheck, a legal adult, and obviously capable of independence since he was deployed for nearly a year. Make him live up to his own capabilities. And if you use your son's money for the hotel, make sure he is aware of that, so he doesn't think he's your guest at the Motel 6.

After final ETA

How does continuing to do what has not worked teach him to be responsible? Do you think it's your problem because you've taught him that he doesn't have to be responsible because you'll bail him out? If not, I do not see this as your problem. Your son is immature. He doesn't have the ability because of his age as well as learning from you that you will replace the money, to see using it now as a consequence in the future. Consequences for adults as with children have to be immediate and related to what they've done if they are to teach responsibility and respect.

I suggest that the way he's treating his "girl friends" is disrespectful just as the way he expects you to to bail him out is disrespectful to you.

I suggest that "taking care" of him is somehow a reward for you. You seem to be saying you want him to be responsible. Then you reward him for being irresponsible.

I also suggest that when you set up a meeting with another girl, you're making decisions for him. Whether or not he meets up with a local girl is his decision. He will be more likely to grow up if you treat him like an adult.

********(**********

It's his problem and not yours. He's an adult. Treat him as an adult. When we bail out our children they have little incentive to manage on their own. Mom will take care of it.

I suggest that when you figure out how to manage his situation you are allowing him to to continue to rely on you to rescue him. Perhaps the reason he might bring home a girl without talking to you ahead of time happens because you've allowed him to do it in the past. Did he suffer any consequences in the past? Sounds like you accepted the situation and maneuvered it in a manner that allowed him to not take responsibilty.

Now you're considering giving him money you've saved for a different purpose, for you to make and pay for a hotel room with reservations made for him. What will be his responsibilty for managing the situation he's created?

I suggest that your son needs to learn that there are very uncomfortable consequences in situations he's created. An upset girlfriend is just one. Why did you try to rescue his girlfriend in a previous visit? A girlfriend needs to know how her boyfriend manages his difficulties. They both have to learn that their decisions have consequences. She agreed to visit without considering the arrangements and how they will affect her. I suggest he's manipulating both of you.

I still have difficulty letting go of my sense of responsibilty to keep everyone happy, to make things go smoothly others benefit. As one counselor suggested, I turned myself into a pretzel to make things work. And in the end I was resentful because I didn't take care of me. My attempts to make everyone happy sometimes resulted in no one being happy.

Already your daughters are involved with making sure you are ready to handle something that may or may not happen when you should be anticipating the time together. You're trying to figure out how you can rescue your son and friend from the consequences of not planning ahead. Wouldn't you be happier making plans with your family for fun time together?

Would you have different rules if this was a serious girlfriend?

Have you allowed your other kids to bring home boyfriends/girlfriends to stay?

If you have a rule, and always have had it - you just enforce it. That's what I would do.

* What I had written previously was, if he showed up with her, I would offer him an air mattress, give her the room, and tell him they sleep separately in your home.

Or else he finds a new location - that's on him.

ETA: You've added more, so I will update this - if there is nowhere she can sleep, then she will have to have the couch. This would be very inconsiderate of your son.

I would just have a very frank conversation with him (if you really think this is a possibility). Tell him these options. Let him know how it would go down. Be as direct as you need to be. If he shows up with a gal, he does. You'll have to let it go - love Mamazita's words of wisdom about worry. Nothing you can do about it until then.

Not to be crass, but this really sounds like something that falls squarely in the category of: "throw money at this problem and make it [at least, make your stress] go away".

Reserve AT LEAST one room at that hotel near you, as soon as possible, for the week or two around Christmas - reserve soon, so that other people in your town don't snatch them all up. You can figure out who's paying the hotel bills once you decide whether you actually need the rooms.

I say "at least" one room because - wow - your house sounds like it will be crowded...people deserve to get a good night's sleep even at the holidays! Having adults and children squeezed in around the rafters sounds cute and cozy until we remember that people have work and school obligations before and after that holiday.

(And saying that you'll give the lap of luxury guest room to your daughters' families while forcing 19-year-old + military son + mythical foreign sex buddy to wrestle over the bunk bed room, is not a "good look".)

ETA: Remember not to push your son to marry the wrong girl. If you tell him you won't welcome her in a friendly way until he marries her...you are setting yourself up for MUCH bigger problems.

That actually happened to us. She stayed in our other's son's room and my two sons slept on the floor or something. (She actually met him in the US. while he was back from deployment and they ended up going out mostly while he was away. He eventually married her and they live far, far away. In the United States. But we really have to take a plane there. What a lot of wonderful good intentioned moms tell me isn't that what we want? For our children to sour and fly out of the nest? I would like to say I have a hard time with this, but he is pretty happy I guess. I suppose the best advice would be to tell him ahead of time that you don't want to be in that position. But then if he is like my other son he will do it anyway. I haven't read the other mom's posts, but all I can say is hang in there. This too shall pass.

Gosh, I'm so sorry your son feels the need to always be in a relationship with"the one". He could come joke married for all you know, he is a 21 year old adult.
I come from a small family and have one adult child. She's graduated from college and doing her thing. I know you are used to a lot of people, but I couldn't stay in a house with 13 or so people stacked on top of each other. I'm glad your family wants to be together but I would need my own space with a husband and kids. Different families, I understand

Just want to say that I think you found your way to a solution which will work for everyone (drawing on his own 'trust fund' to pay for a hotel room if he arrives with another 'The One' in tow). It sounds much more comfortable for everyone, and the gal also won't be stuck in a house with a gazillion relatives of a guy whom she has been with for a short time. You also can suggest he rents a car with money from the fund if he really needs access to a car. I am curious, though, how they would have come up with the airfare to bring her on this spur-of-the-moment trip if he has been so bad about saving money. Those last-minute tickets are NOT cheap... Anyway, good luck with it.

Interesting that he only hears what he wants to hear. He's in the military. When the military says jump, they jump. You need to tell him that you outrank him and that there will be no relaxing of the rule in your house.

You don't actually HAVE to use his trust fund money to pay for a hotel room, do you? You can actually say no to that, right? I have the feeling that he would bring her to your home not to get to stay there, but to get you to pay for his hotel room. As immature as he is, he doesn't care if he blows through his trust fund. You need to look like it that way.

I would definitely have a very blunt conversation with him about this. And the fact that he blows his money means that he needs to stay in the military. I think you should tell him that he can't come home to live with no job.

By the way, I'm very glad you sent the girl home because of him being awful to her. Did he learn a lesson?

I guess I'd treat him like an adult. I'd remind him in a phone call that he is bunking with his brother. And that one grandchild will be also sleeping in that room in a cot. I'd tell him do NOT bring home a girlfriend and remind him of how badly it went the last time he brought some girl home and then proceeded to break up with her.

If he comes home with a girlfriend be polite to her and pull him aside to say oh no, I'm so sorry but there is not room for both of you so you will have to get yourself a hotel nearby. If he breaks up with her on the visit and it is uncomfortable pull him aside and say, son, this is making all of us very uncomfortable. Can you take your friend elsewhere for the day so we don't have to hear the two of you fighting or her crying or whatever. If you want to come visit without her while she stays in the hotel room please do.

Gosh, I'm so sorry your son feels the need to always be in a relationship with"the one". He could come joke married for all you know, he is a 21 year old adult.
I come from a small family and have one adult child. She's graduated from college and doing her thing. I know you are used to a lot of people, but I couldn't stay in a house with 13 or so people stacked on top of each other. I'm glad your family wants to be together but I would need my own space with a husband and kids. Different families, I understand