This Is Just a Phase, Right?

I was going to say exactly what Dawn said. I've been doing this with my 3 yr old, but in addition to the screaming, he hits us, pinches us, kicks us, and throws things at us. This method has really seemed to help. It's swift, consistent, and it works. He has been doing much better these last few days.

They often go through a loud phase.
"Use your inside voice"
"I can't understand you when you yell - talk nicely"
Are all phrases that will become automatic with you for a few years.

Reasoning does not work at all during a tantrum.
You have to wait till the storm is over in order to talk calmly about it.
Also, once you learn likely tantrum triggers - hunger, tired, over stimulated, over whelmed, too many choices, transitions (time to go home from play ground, etc) etc - you can sometimes avoid escalation to full blown out pitching a fit IF you can catch it before the point of no return (like a boulder on a hill - you can only stop it to a point but after that - it WILL roll downhill).
She can scream herself tired in her room and can come out when she's finished.
It's all part of the terrible two's and terrible three's!
But they DO out grow it eventually!

Hi Sunnsmom,

Part of the problem people are having with their older children yelling at them and being disrespectful is because they also did not want to "stifle" their child's personality when they were young. You get what you sow.

Correcting bad behavior will not stifle her personality and if it does stifle that part of her personality, it's for the best because the world is definitely not going to put up with your LO yelling at them. The rest of the world could care less about stifling her personality!

The very next time she does it, I would get down at face level with her, look her very sternly in the eyes, and in my most authoritative voice tell her that that behavior is not acceptable, will not be tolerated and she can and will stay in her room until she can behave correctly. Then I would pick her up with no other conversation, put her in her room, close the door and make sure she stayed there.

She needs to learn that if she cannot behave civilly, then she will be all alone in her room because the rest of you are NOT going to put up with that sort of behavior. She does have the right to be mad, but she DOES NOT have the right to yell at adults - ever; not any adult. Period.

Good luck!

Installing strong values means nothing at this age. What you need to do is install consequences. When she starts yelling, pick her up and put her in her room. Do not let her out until she stops the yelling. Then you get down face to face with her and tell her that she is NOT allowed to yell at her mommy. Tell her that she needs to say she is sorry.

Whatever she was yelling for, NEVER give to her - when she screams or afterwards. You must not give into her demands. You also need to get her in her room immediately so that you are not an audience to her behavior. Negative attention is STILL attention, and you need to not give her ANY attention during this behavior.

Don't let her know that you are outside her door when she is screaming. If she tries to open her door, hold it so that she cannot, but don't let her know that you are outside the door, or she will scream more in hopes that you are listening.

There is a difference in allowing bratty behavior and allowing personality growth. No child has any business being allowed to scream at ANYONE. Don't shirk from this responsibility, or you'll have a first grader mouthing off at you in front of the teacher.

Good luck,
Dawn

When she yells at you, crouch down to her, look her in the eyes very seriously, and *softly* say, "I will not listen to you until you speak to me in a calm, polite voice. I don't yell at you, and you are not allowed to yell at me."

This is currently a control issue, yes. But you can also use it to show her how we treat one another.

You can also say, "Daddy and I don't yell at each other. We talk nicely. You have to talk nicely too."

Then stand up, walk away, and go about your business. Let her understand that getting louder and more rude does not get her what she wants, and we don't treat people that way.

Is she yelling because she is 'trying out' a new tool or is she having a tantrum - she has completely lost control of herself and is screaming?

It matters because for the first - you give her better tools. So - 'Use your inside voice' and 'I can't hear you when you are yelling' are appropriate - so long as they are followed by modelling of what you do want. At 2, I would rephrase with my son. It would look like DS - screaming, me 'DS, let's try that again 'mommy, may I please have X' - ok, her is X' .

If she can't have what she is screaming for then I find rephrasing to just be frustrating (think about if your boss wanted you to rewrite your request for a raise with better reasoning when he/she was going to deny it no matter what, yuck). In that case - I would empathize with DS and help him express his feelings in words. 'Wow, you are mad/sad/frustrated that we can't do X now, it would be fun to do X now, but we need to do Y first before we can do X.'

If she has completely lost it - there is no point whatsoever in 'consequences' in my mind. All you teach her is that when she has big feelings that she has not learned how to manage - you don't love her. After all (in a toddler's mind) - why else would you banish her? Learning does NOT take place during tantrums - you have missed the teaching moment.

Instead - I would try time ins. This means being with her until the tantrum is over - some children would rather be held during the storm and some would not, but you can still be present. When it is over, then you can discuss whatever the inciting cause was (if either of you actually remember it).

I think the concept that 'you can never give in' is be very wrong and counter productive. It teaches a child to be stubborn, never give in and does NOT teach them the skills that they need to learn to get their needs met - reasoning and negotiation.

Also - what B says about triggers. Being hungry and tired make children (and adults) much more likely to lose control.

Another thing that helps is saying yes as often as possible. Toddlers hear no all the time and have very little control over the environment. So - if it doesn't matter to you - say yes. So - 'yes, we can play outside, just as soon as we clean up the crayons (after rephrasing this from a loud - mommy - outside now - to a normal volume -mommy, can we please go play outside?) works so so much better than - no, we can't play outside. We have to clean up the crayons.

The second she yells, silently pick her up, put her in her room, and make her stay there for a few minutes. Not sure of how long at that age, maybe 10-15 minutes? Let her out when she can use her nice voice.

Do this every time. Be consistent. You need to stop this obnoxious behavior, and you stop it by isolating her and giving her no attention for it. If she's sill doing that by 4 or 5 she will be a nightmare.

But this is easily cured.

As soon as she starts that, pick her up and put her in her room. Simply say, "we do not talk that way."

She will try out lots of different communications styles... stomping of feet, whining, etc. for each that you deem inappropriate, put her in her room, and refuse to talk to her until she has a normal voice --unless she is in obvious meltdown and needs some comfort to return to normal.

If it's a power struggle, you don't need to worry about stifling your daughter's personality. You don't want this to be in her personality. Before you can teach her better ways of managing her life, she has to know that what she's doing right now will never work.

So you'll need to get down to her eye level and say, not angrily but firmly, "This is not the way to talk to me. Talk in your quiet voice, and I'll be able to listen." If she continues to yell (and she might not be able to stop right away!), walk away. This is not meanness on your part.

When she settles down and comes to you, listen to what she says if she can say it properly. If she starts turning up the volume again, which is likely, say, "Talk in your quiet voice, and I'll be able to listen." Then walk away again. Let there be not too many words and not too much emotion on your part. You're not angry at her; she's just doing the wrong thing.

Repeat as necessary, up to three thousand times per day. Aren't toddlers lovely? :^)

Rest assured that this is perfectly age appropriate behavior. Keep modeling the behavior you want to see. Keep in mind that no matter how articulate you think she is at 2.5 she still has a lot of growing to do in this area. Its normal for her to get frustrated when she feels like she can't make her point or get what she wants. I agree with the poster about getting down to her level, look her in the eye, repeat your response and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable/appropriate, we don't shout or kick or hit or whatever she is doing. Be sure to tell her that when she's ready your there to give her a hug. Then get up and let her work through her emotions on her own and get on with what you were doing. I generally agree with not giving in to her but I do take steps to try to give her as much control as possible. I feel like it builds independence and self-control.

There lots of resources on the web. See http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/t... for instance.

hths

Hi, Sunny:

I am finding a problem with parenting in today's world.
Because we are no longer an agricultural society, we
don't have to physically work outdoors and be on a regimented
schedule.
Now a days, we cater to children as if they were little gods.

I don't believe in hitting a child for whatever reason.
I do believe in respect.
This incident you reported would be handled by me in
a way to get his attention.

I would tell him. You have a choice:
You can calm down or I am going
to put you in you in your bed for a nap
and if you get out of the bed, I am going to
wack you on your butt.

He is not going to believe you.
You have to do what you say.

Once he knows that you mean business,
when you give him a choice, he will listen.

I call it "shock" therapy. Getting his attention.

Just think. You are helping your child get control of himself.
Good luck.
D.