Oppositional 2.5 Year Old --Surprise, Surprise!

The one thing I see missing in this discussion is the "why". The importance of this developmental stage cannot be lost. At this stage the child is actually learning, by saying no, that they are a different person than you are! It is way more basic then them misbehaving. I would read up on developmental stages-it will help you not take it personally and understand that it really isn't about discipline either. And please, even the most brilliant 2.5 year old is still emotionally a very small child.

My little one is tough as well. If she doesn't get her way she yells and screams so loud you can literally hear her in the front yard from inside the house. When this happens which is almost daily this week :( - I do occasionally get mad, I take a breath and collect myself. I pick her up and put her in her room and tell her not to come out until she can stop yelling, kicking, etc. Usually she stops throwing a fit and comes out of her room, and she says "I feel better now." Eventually she tells me what was making her mad, but at this age they really don't know how to use words to verbally express how they are feeling like an adult - they aren't going to relate to you like an adult. They think in the present current time. I have been going nuts too! Just removing them from the situation or moving your face level with theirs might help and tell her a simple explanation of what you would like for her to do or ask them to tell Mommy what is wrong? Putting her in the room might work, but it will not be fun listening to the screaming and crying but eventually she will realize that she will get attention from you when she is behaving when she comes out of the room. Praise her for being good when she comes out of her room and ask her what was bothering her and why you took her to her room. Hope this helps.

Stars? I'm not familiar with that old fashioned method, but WATCH OUT for the positive parenting!
What do you mean you stand your ground? Please say you're not ignoring.
Anyway, if you discipline her, she will behave, and then you'll have way ore time for positivity. How long it takes is totally up to you.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I'm not sure what you mean about the stars. Did you not let her go out (look outside) and see them or told her they would disappear? For the other poster, the time stars are out depend on many things, how far east/south you are in your timezone as well as light pollution......so I can't say that being up late is making her behaviour worse.

Anyway about the NO, It can and will drive you nuts but you can either take it personally or use as much humor as possible (mainly for you) to make it through this developmental phase which lasts longer than "a few days" Welcome! :-) I think you need to be less reactive even if you are on your last nerve (hard I know). Even if you initially take her on her "NO" you can gently explain that when she tells you "NO" you believe her and ask her again and let her know Mommy wants to understand but she needs to help you and use the right words. Not knowing exactly what the situation was above it sounds like you are expecting something she can't do right now and punishing her for something she HAS to go through developmentally. So of course she got upset, in her developing mind she didn't "change her mind". Hope this helps, you may want to look into resources (Internet and books) regarding child development so you know what to expect from her.

I am having the same issue with my son. He says NO! to just about anything I ask, even if he wants to say yes. It's to get a reaction out of us, I know, but that doesn't make it easier to handle! I've started rephrasing questions when I can. I try to make it a choice rather than a yes or no, or a choice rather than "asking" him to do something. For example, instead of, "Time to get your coat on," I say, "Which do you want to put on now, sweatshirt or coat?" Many times it works by making it appear that he's choosing rather than being told what to do. When he's defiant and I can't offer a choice, I usually try to ignore him after telling him that's not the way to talk to me. He mainly gets time-outs for being too rough with his little sister.
I also don't let him change his mind about simple things he's chosen. He had a hard time with that at the beginning but is getting better. Of course, he still has his moments! Tonight, he had a choice of bath or no bath. He chose no bath, but wanted to change his mind after having his pjs on once he saw his sister splashing. We wouldn't let him get in, so he had a mild tantrum, but it didn't last too long this time.
This morning, I was trying to help him get dressed, and he chose to play around instead of coming when I called (50 times). He was stuck putting on his clothes by himself. There was a lot of crying after that, but an hour later, when I offered to help him do something, he stopped playing and came right away. Now, I don't expect this to be remembered tomorrow, but at some point, it'll sink in, and meanwhile, he's getting some great practice dressing himself!!
Good luck with your toddler. Soon enough, we'll have the second into the tantrums (though mine is learning some things early from her brother!) and then we'll miss the time we only had one going through it!

The first thing that sticks out at me is the last sentence- about seeing the stars. If she is awake late enough to see the stars at 2.5, that is TOOOO late, in my opinion. My daughter is the same age and goes to bed at 7pm and sometimes even 6:30 if she is really tired. She still does a nap from time to time as well.

They are burning LOTS of energy at this age and need the exercise, but also need a consistent and early bedtime. Generally, I find that the later she stays up past that threshold of 7pm, the harder she is to go down and then will be "wired" until 11pm if we let it. So that is my first thought- a much earlier bedtime.

The other things are definitely about control- she wants to have it and she wants you to reassure her that you will be there for her. I don't know how leaving her affected her, but it sounds like she is a pretty sensitive child and picks up on things around her (surroundings, emotions) pretty easily and then tries to process that through control because things (that to adults are no big deal) feel out of control and scary to her. Maybe she's a bit more sensitive than other kids this age and that takes a little different parenting tactics (hey, it took me 10 years to learn how to parent my 10 year old and I am still no expert!! she's sensitive too!)

I would explain things to her in detail about what is going to happen and then stand firm, but positive. Reassure her that you are there for her. I hate to use the old "she's not getting enough attention because you have a baby too" line because I think that can be nonsense and it DOES sound like you are trying, but let's face it, I'm sure you are stretched thin, and if she's sensitive, then those emotions just sort of feed on one another round and round- she gets sensitive and rebellious, you get frustrated, she senses it and digs in more.... ugh. Been there done that!!!

One thing that has helped me is to not listen to what my daughter SAYS but to watch her body language (this is going off my sensitive 10 yr old, not my 2 yr old, which is a more laid-back personality- thank GOODNESS!!)

Watch the body language instead of what they verbalize for your cues. When you ask them to do something or ask a question, etc., take a deep breath (quietly- don't heave a sigh :) and give her about 3 times as long to make that choice than you think it SHOULD take- without interrupting her or anything... just let her process it and let things sink in for a minute before you react to her. (Assuming she's not being physical, of course.) This has really been a lifesaver for me because it got to the point where I would just "assume" she was going to choose x when I wanted her to choose y, etc. and it was making it worse.

I hope this helps and doesn't sound judgmental at all. I was trying to take you on a little walk through my own experience. It's hard to be patient when your personality clashes with a 'stage' or a personality of your kids!!

M.

I am right there with you sister! My son is 2 1/2 and I was just telling my husband how when I say something is white, my son will tell me it's black. He says the opposite of what I say, simply for a power struggle I believe. He likes to hide his toys behind our couch pillows and tell me he's hiding them "so you can't get them." We always received so many compliments on how well behaved he is, so I am not going to worry too much about his recent behavior and just attribute it to being 2 1/2 years old. I think you and I just have to roll with it. And let your daughter look (or not look when she's naughty :) ) at the stars all she wants. Every kid is different with their bedtimes. I'm sure you're a great mom!! Good luck with these wonderfully trying "2s!"

I seriously could have written this post myself! I, too, have a 2.5 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. My daughter is very, very strong-willed, and while she doens't actually say the word, "no" very often, she is extremely defiant and, some days, I feel like I'm about to lose my mind!! I've recently tried distraction first to get her to stop her defiant behavior, but if she still refuses to listen (especially when it comes to safety issues), I use a two minute time-out. In the past, I gave-up on time outs b/c I couldn't get her to stay in them. I just recently purchased the "Time Out Pad" online, and it's wondeful!! You can set the pad anywhere from 2-5 minutes, and the pad has a sensor in it. Once your child sits down, a red light turns on and it begins a silent countdown. Once there is one minute left, a yellow light goes on, and when the time-out is over, a green light comes on and a "finished" tune plays. If at anytime during the time out your little one gets up, and alarm sounds and the coutdown pauses until she sits back down. This tool also comes with an instruction book on how to properly use (and not over-use) the time-out method. I got it for around $20 at the Toys r Us website. Good luck and hang in there!