Therapist Being Right - How Often

I agree. I think when we do things in emotional haste, we typically live to regret it. I stand in agreement, with all the answers below.

Would I trust a therapist or a bunch of women that truly don't know me on a web page? I would go with the therapist every time.

A good therapist isn't "right or wrong"... they guide you in the process of making a rational and informed decision. Your therapist recognized in your "emergency state" that you are not capable of making a rational and informed decision right now.

So... yes. She's right in following her training and encouraging you to "stop and think before you speak or act". Telling someone that you want a divorce isn't something you can ever really "take back".

In this case, yes, I think your therapist is the sound place to get advice from.

Why? Because, from my perspective, she wants YOU to be in a calm place and 100% certain--when the dust has settled-- that this is what YOU want, so that you don't move out and then end up getting back together with him. A lot of women do, you know. You got a lot of encouragement online which supports you leaving Travis, however, we are not going to be there in physical reality to help you deal with the actualities of this move/transition.

She wants you to be sure that this is a thoughtful action and not a knee-jerk reaction. So when you do move on, you do so with some gravity and forethought and a correct assessment of your resources.

Yes, I have had some experiences where my therapist was very clear about 'do this first, then this'. Following that advice worked out for the best.

Overall, if you have a good long-term relationship with a therapist whom you have never truly questioned before, it may be that she is right. You may need to do more work with Travis before YOU feel you can walk away with some closure or she may want to make sure you are in a very safe place and have your ducks in a row. I don't know. You should ask her what her objective is--that's the only way to find out.

Is your therapist right? Yes. Did you blow because of emotion? Yes.

You listened to people here who don't have all the information your therapist does. You only listened to the ones that supported your view point. There were others, who are very wise, that you ignored. That's a good way to ruin your life. If you go through your life that way, you will end up in pain. If you choose to listen to wisdom (even if you dont like it) then you will not only change your life but you will change generations that come behind you, handling their problems. This is maturity, when you do not let your emotions jerk you around.

I remember being young, headstrong, impetuous. There are times (chuckle) when I thought my H was a robot. He just was so steady. Just the fact of being male was so foreign. Now, I can see he is my Rock.
YOU need a Rock. If you stay with him, you can create a stable environment for your child. If you don't, welcome to your childhood.

A lot of people go into a marriage (in your case a long term relationship) thinking its a brand new car, shiny, smells good. Instead, life hands you a box of parts and YOU put it together and it's hard, but you will never put it together without time and effort and the tools of forgiveness and hope.

You don't know me from Adam, but I want you to be happy. Your therapist wants you to be happy.

You choose. You can be RIGHT, or you can be happy..for a long time.

Your therapist is 100% right. You are NOT NOT NOT supposed to make big life-changing decisions during a traumatic time in your life. It's because, with all of the emotions you are feeling and with all of the things going on in your life, you simply can't think straight and you are prone to suggestion.

WAIT

I think that you should heed her advice. It's never a great idea to make life-altering decisions when going through a trauma. Your dad just died. You are still in the initial stages of grief. Give yourself some time to recover from that before making any permanent decisions. If it's ultimately the right decision, that option to leave will still be there in a few weeks, months, whatever. But your emotions are still so raw you probably can't think straight. Take your time.

Unless you or your child is in immediate danger you should LOGICALLY extricate yourself from this situation. Not cut & run in 24 hours.
I think THAT is what your therapist is telling you.
And it's pretty much what everyone here told you as we'll.
Save some money, look for another job, get your financial affairs desperate from his. Then go.
Unless, of course, he is abusive, then RUN!
These are adult issues that are best handled in an adult manner.
Usually that's not in haste.

I agree with JB and Victoria Rae. Don't do anything right now, having just gone through your father's death. If you have money co-mingled, anything else, get copies and put them somewhere safe. You might want to see a lawyer and find out exactly how to protect you and the kids financially. Then if you decide in a few months, you'll have your ducks in a row. If things get better, it doesn't matter that you have them at hand.

Dawn

You went through a lot last weekend. Very often we get caught up in "the heat of the moment" & make decisions that we might not have in a calmer state of mind.

If moving out & moving on is the right decision for you, then it will still be the right decision next week.

I have seen many of your posts over time, & it sounds like you & Trav have a rocky relationship. Only you know the truths of just how rocky, & whether there is a reconciliation point between you both.

If you blew up over emotion, I think that means that you reacted more strongly than if you hadn't gone through so much last weekend. But it doesn't mean that there was nothing to react to.

I'll say that again. It doesn't mean there was nothing to react to.

If you decide to stay or if you decide to go, it is ultimately your choice, yours, not your therapist. She advised you to make the decision when you are not being driven by your emotions, but she can't make the decision for you.

You need to have a heart to heart with yourself & decide what you want & why. Then, you & Trav need to talk. Sit down over dinner and really have a conversation about what is bothering you & exciting you. What is going well & what isn't. What you need to change & what you need him to change.

And if he thinks nothing is wrong, then you have an answer on what you need to do. And if he agrees & says he will change & tells you about what he needs you to change, then you both need to put some work into your relationship. And be prepared to follow through if it becomes all talk.

Not being married to someone doesn't mean it's a "throwaway" relationship, & I think you have proven that over time. But it does still mean that both people need to be equal partners in communicating & caring for each other.

If necessary, journal your thoughts & feelings. (either in a book, or an email to yourself) so you can put down what you are thinking & feeling now, & come back to it in a day or two.

Praying that you will find the answers you need, & have the strength to follow through, whatever they tell you. T.

Unless you and/or your kids are in danger it's better to take your time to plan your escape so you are well prepared for it.

IMHO, she is right. You should not make life-altering decisions when you are in an emotional state. Once things calm down, you will either realize that yes, I do want to split, or no, I think we can work this out. This is a HUGE step; you don't want to get it wrong. As long as you and/or the kids are not being physically or mentally abused, I say give it some time.

Any person that you talk to in the role of listener is only a tool. When you are talking through the topics that are surfacing through this process it's their job to probe a bit, focus on something you said or something you might have left out, to sort of get you to realize what you're basically saying.

For instance, one time I was seeing a woman for some issues while I was in college. She related to me how our sessions would work by telling me her own story.

She had started college and was doing okay but there was an incident where a man scared her, he didn't do anything at all, he was just in her near vicinity. She was shaking, sweating, dry mouth, paralyzed with her instant fear. She went to the mental health clinic on campus for something for anxiety, she thought it had to just be a panic attack since the man did nothing, didn't even look her way. She was just terrified of "him".

They said in order for them to give her some meds she'd need to visit with a therapist a few times just to make sure she was okay and not drug seeking. She told the therapist about her childhood molestation by an uncle. And how he would touch her arm to get her attention, it was a physical order to get herself ready for sex play, she started talking about the incident and said something like "when my uncle abused me I felt the same way"....duh!!!! lightbulbs went off....she suddenly figured it out, this man looked like her uncle, it was uncanny how much he favored this uncle.

So by just talking with a therapist she was able to bring up a memory that she tried to never think about and figured out that this pale bald man with a little gut reminded her of her uncle and triggered her fear responses.

So by going to a therapist for just a few visits she was able to open some closed off area's of her memories and "get" to the root of the issue. Talking about it opened a door and she was able to get everything out in the open and was done with the whole issue.

So please, understand that this person is only a tool, a sounding board that should lightly guide you to a resolution where you find what you need to be okay.

Really, in most hard situations, there is no right or wrong. We all just have to do the best we can in flawed situations, without knowing how things will turn out in the end.

So, I'm not sure "Is the therapist right or wrong, are therapists in general right or wrong" are the right questions to be asking right now.

I am usually in favor of women getting out of bad relationships. I usually think people won't just change because someone else wants them to. BUT, I read a few of your most recent posts, and I didn't see evidence of marriage-ending behavior on his part. It sounds like he was cold and insensitive at a time when you were grieving hard. But, it also sounds like you never told him "This is what I need from you." He SHOULD have known, but honestly, it sounds like he was clueless, not necessarily cruel, and part of marriage is forgiving guys (and it's usually, not always, guys) for their cluelessness, educating them for future situations, and moving on.

So, I don't know whether your therapist was right or wrong, but I might agree with her. Rather than quitting your job and ending your marriage, can you try a half-measure? Tell Travis you're honestly heartbroken and furious, and you need a week away from him, no matter what. Try making HIM move out short-term, rather than you and your son being so disrupted. And then, once you've caught your breath, sit down with him, ideally in the presence of a marriage counselor, and say "Listen, and listen good. X, Y, and Z need to change. I have never been so serious about anything in my life."

However, all this is only my opinion, based on a limited number of your past posts. There could very well be something I'm missing, in which case I'd take it all back. But see if some of it rings true for you.

I agree with what everyone says below, so I won't add to that.

However, it is a HUGE conflict of interest for someone to see you as an individual AND as a couple. There is NO WAY she can be effective as a therapist and have TWO goals that typically conflict.

As an individual therapist her goal is YOU and YOUR happiness. regardless of the state or happiness of your marriage. Her focus is on you. That means her priority is not making sure your relationship is successful.

As a couples therapist her goal is THE RELATIONSHIP. It's guiding the two of you to compromise and make changes and figure out what will make THE RELATIONSHIP successful.

SOMETIMES these two things are in sync. But not usually and not always. The focus is different. The feel is different. The methods are different. The mindset is different.

Your therapist CANNOT have Tavis's best interests in mind as a couple's therapist if she has YOU as an individual patient.

Now, she CAN be your couples therapist and see you (once or twice) for individual therapy, but with a "couples" mindset). But that is NOT individual therapy.

Additionally, you say that you aren't sure if Travis is seeing another therapist for individual counseling. This is a red flag. In order for relationship therapy to be successful there has to be FULL TRANSPARENCY into what each person is working on. So, if warranted, you would attend:

relationship counseling as a couple with Counselor A

Individual counseling - YOU with counselor B

Individual counseling - HIM with counselor C

A, B and C would also be meeting to discuss progress and how each counselor can work each others "Stuff" into their individual treatment plans.

So I urge you to open conversation with your therapist about that - and about the treatment plans and goals she has for you.... in both situations (individual and relationship).

Having said that. Yes, I would tend to advise people to listen to their therapists.
Yes - people ONLY "blow" because of emotion. "blowing" is all about emotions.
No, you should NEVER made large decisions - like breaking up a family or leaving a spouse when you are emotional.

Ok you did leave out that you had been in couples therapy. That does make a hug difference. She does know what's going on better than anyone so I would take her advice. If down the road you are having a hard time with what you are doing then talk to her again and she may tell you differently. There are a lot of things going on all at once for you so it probably would be good for you to wait and maybe you will see things more clear when your emotions are not all over the place. Don't get me wrong if I was going through all of what you are I would probably be all over the place too. When I lost my dad my mom thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Good luck!