I've been married almost 14 years; my husband is my first love and the only man I've ever been with. We got together when I was 18; I'm now 35 and he's 10 years older than me. We have an 11 year old son. Our relationship has always been up and down, and I don't feel he's ever fully trusted me because he's always acted jealous and somewhat controlling about who I spend my time with, and in the past we've argued a lot. Money and what I'm doing (or not doing) have been the main issues.
A few years ago I got a promotion at work to where I now make substantially more than my husband and I also travel and work with mostly men due to my field. This seems like when things began to escalate to constantly being accused of having something going on with male co-workers. It's to the point now where I avoid mentioning anything about work, especially anything requiring me to name a male co-worker. He says all my female co-workers are "b*****s" and accuses me of telling them our personal problems. The last couple years I honestly don't have it in me to fight back anymore when he starts something. Last year I told him I loved him, but didn't think I was in love with him because of the constant mistrust. I told him I felt I was distancing myself emotionally to protect myself from further hurt. I also told him I'd been confiding in a male friend who'd recently divorced and who was supporting me while counseling me to stay married. This led to immediate accusations I was sleeping with my friend and a huge fight where he threatened to leave me unless I admitted the "truth." I was devastated at the thought of losing him (which somewhat surprised me) and I admitted the conversations with my friend were probably inappropriate because he would make comments like "if you were my wife . . ." I had previously travelled on business with this friend and now my husband is convinced I slept with him. The smoking gun: he carried my suitcase to my car from the plane.
We've had numerous conversations about him forgiving me for "cheating" and how it's so hard for him to get over. This was not even an emotional affair; I've known this person 12 years and he was advising me to work through my marital issues. I was supporting him because he was going through his first holidays alone in 18 years. Now I'm resentful of my husband for condemning me on less than superficial evidence. He apparently thinks I'm a cheating wh*re who sleeps with every guy at work, so I can't understand why he'd want to stay with me except that I'm a paycheck and a piece of a**.
I love my husband, but his insecurity and jealousy has undermined our relationship. I can't picture myself without him, but I can't picture myself continuing to go through this either. It's to the point where I have crossed so many topics of conversation off the list because they set him off, we have literally nothing to talk about. Then, he starts a fight over my "distance and silence." I feel like I can't win - any thoughts?
You do not deserve to live like this, I know I couldn't. When I was at that point with my husband I gave him a choice, marriage counseling or I was gone. He had to agree to really give counseling 100% and try to change his ways or, after 6 months of working on it, if I was not happy I was leaving. Then follow through with whatever he decides, if he refuses to work on his trust issues then what else can you do?
Marriage counseling.
Lots of marriage counseling.
If he's going to believe you're guilty of cheating whether you are or not - I'd find that pretty hard to live with.
If he can't trust you, is he capable of trusting anybody?
This might be a problem with him and only he can fix it - and I don't think you should have to need to bend over backwards and whistle Dixie to convince him that you've been a faithful loving wife.
If he's depressed or has some other mental health issue - he needs to see a doctor and address it and get on what ever meds will help him.
It's got to be a real strain for him (and you) to be constantly anxious and suspicious of you all the time.
I guess I have a different take on your situation that most of the other posters.
You have been having issues with your husband. Instead of discussing it with him, you took it outside of your marriage to a third party, your co-worker. The only third party you should be discussing your marital strife with is a good marriage counselor and it sounds like it is long overdue.
He had a problem with what he perceived as you confiding your personal problems with the females. So what did you do? You ignored his feelings and turned around and confided everything in a male co-worker.
I’ll cut to the chase, if you really can’t see yourself living without him then I suggest you get to a marriage counselor ASAP because these issues have been festering for years and you’ve chosen to confront them with your own silence and distance. That doesn’t seem to be working for either of you.
You are married to an abuser. He has chipped away at your self esteem and confidence for almost 14 years. You were the perfect victim for him. You were young and in love and naïve enough to believe his BS.
I know other posts will tell you to try counseling and stay together...
I am telling you to seek out a divorce attorney and counseling for yourself. This man is not going to change.
You must realize there is something wrong with "loving" a man who doesn't trust you. You need to figure out why you have allowed this to go on for so long. Ask your doctor/insurance company for a referral to a therapist so you can get some help.
I find this incredibly sad. My husband and I joke about eachother's co-workers (by the way, ew, gross!!!), but neither one of us honestly thinks the other would do anything. It makes me so sad to think that he doesn't believe in your love. Well, sad and kind of pathetic.
This is not something you can fix. This is something only he can fix. He needs to see a counselor, and it would probably help if you also saw a marriage counselor. You need a professional.
This is NOT an itch.
This is an abscess that has been festering for many years.
I would suggest counseling FOR YOU for clarity.
Ask friends for recommendations. Look at health insurance to see what therapists might be 'covered'. Do some phone interviews, and see with whom you might feel a connection...and then GO.
IF, at some point, you wish to include your husband in a session, by all means do.
But, I urge you to get some clarity for yourself...and your son.
I agree with others below that 'this' relationship is what your son is learning is OK.
It is NOT!!
Best...
***ETA***
It would not hurt to look at divorce attorneys either. You mention you 'out earn' your husband. I would ask friends/relatives for a recommendation in that regard as well. Knowledge/facts are powerful. Your son deserves a future!
No its the "you are married to a person who is emotionally abusing you" itch for your marriage and you know that. In other words, you husband is a big fat jerk on high.
Any thoughts? Yes, many. Counseling NOW. If he won't go you go. You need to figure out why you would stay with someone who continues to say you are cheating. Next time he accuses you of cheating you look him in the eye and say "no I am not cheating and I am DONE with this conversation." and walk away. Do not engage him.
You have to make a decision, do I stay or do I go? If I stay, can I continue living like this? If you can't, you leave. Counseling can help.
Just one comment. Do you want your son growing up to believe the way your husband acts is the way he should act? I suggest that staying married causes more damage to your son than splitting would.
After reading other posts. I have a married couple friends whose relationship seems similar. Different issues but similar way of treating them. The husband is often verbally accusatory, treating his wife as if she were incompetent. He makes an accusation. She defends herself and the fight is on. I spent several days traveling with them and saw how her attempts to defend herself makes him even more anger. When she didn't respond, he escalated the fight. A no win for both.
I've had a similar relationship wit a relative. Took me a couple of years to learn that the fight didn't happen when I literally left the house. My marriage was is anot her example of when to leave. Dinner time had become difficult for me. I fixed dinner for my MIL, my mother, and the two kids. Then, I left to eat my dinner out. This, along with many other situations, helped me know I had to leave. I spent 3-4 years trying to make the marriage work. We had a couple of years marriage counseling. Nothing changed and I was beginning to feel trapped. Going out for my dinner helped me to feel more in control of me. We divorced.
When we defend ourself in reaction to accusations, the other person is apt to see that as proving our guilt. Our defense gives puts us in a one up, one down position of power. We are unintentionally telling the other person he has the right to accuse me; therefore I must convince him he's wrong. When we've done nothing wrong, we do not need to defend ourselves. We know we're in control of ourselves. We live up to our values. We are strong. When we defend ourself, we're saying he has control of us.
2 words.
Marital Counseling.
it will either help you and your hubby get along better or it will help you realize that its time to end it and move on.
Updated
2 words.
Marital Counseling.
it will either help you and your hubby get along better or it will help you realize that its time to end it and move on.
Your husband is abusive...emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry. The only way I would give this marriage a chance is if he agrees to marriage counseling and separate individual counseling for himself. I would pick a timeline....like 6 months or a year of intense therapy. If things are not much much better by then it is time to move on. He is treating you terribly and this isn't normal. He has deep rooted insecurities...and if he cannot improve himself and his behavior (AND apologize!) I don't see why you would stay in this marriage.
I am sure you see this is not right, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.
I have a few comments...you both seem to have a lack of respect for each other. Your husband doesn't trust you and you put yourself in situations that cause problems. I would be upset if my husband carried a capable woman's luggage for her (he has been unfaithful in the past so he is careful to try not to put himself in situations where he can be seen as doing something I wouldn't like). You're also letting other people into your relationship that are likely causing more harm. You may see someone saying "stay married" as a good thing, but to your husband it's still another man in your business.
HOWEVER - there is something seriously wrong with your husband. If my husband ever talked to me the way yours seems to, I would have to go. My husband is the main example to our sons of how to treat a woman, and I expect them to treat their wives at least as well as my husband treats me. Our life isn't perfect, but I have a darn good man.
Counseling is where you need to be. That will let you know if this is worth you two fighting through this or if you need to part ways, but the kids need to be put first either way.
You only get one life to life (as far as I know), is this how you want to spend it? You need to talk to a therapist, and then, once you know what you want, you and your husband need to go to a marriage counselor.
Thank you for all of the responses - I found truth in all of them. A couple things I wanted to address:
1) carrying my suitcase - I had a work comp injury that ruptured three cervical discs and tore the labrum in my shoulder. I was carrying a backpack and my purse, as well as a hard hat. He carried the suitcase from the terminal to my car about 50 feet. My husband decided to show up at the airport for a surprise inspection and saw this. I could have told my friend no, don't help me but it seemed ridiculous to do so. This was actually before I told him I was talking to this friend and before the accusations flew. Others have helped me out similarly (like my boss) and my husband has said nothing about it; he obviously didn't feel they were a threat.
2) confiding in my friend and telling my husband - I'm not going to keep secrets or lie by omission. To me, that would be a great show of disrespect to my husband. Nothing is going on with my friend and me, so why would I keep this from my husband and risk him discovering I'd been doing it "behind his back?" To me that would be sneaky, and a sign I felt having a platonic friendship with this person is wrong. I do understand that to my husband this is another man who's now up in his business. In a healthy relationship, this would be a non-issue, so I'm not going to skulk around like I'm doing anything wrong. I'm sure those of you who have responded about having been in this situation or knowing someone who was, can vouch that friendships dwindled in this type of relationship. I have only 2 friends who've stuck with me in spite of my husband's behavior and this person is one of them.
3) counseling - I agree this is the best course of action and I am pursuing it. I've gone on and off over the years by myself. As soon as I get empowered to leave, or issue and ultimatum, the low part of the cycle kicks in: he vows to change and does for a while. The good times are really good and that's what keeps me hanging on through the bad times.
4) husband's issues - he recently confided he was severely neglected as a child which explains a whole lot, but doesn't excuse it. His alcoholic parents took turns beating on each other while alternately neglecting him for weeks at a time (can you imagine being 10 years old and spending Christmas break at home with a pot pie for dinner that you made yourself and an extension cord run to the neighbor's house to run the TV and a space heater because your parents are at the bar?), and abandoning him with relatives and strangers for months. He needs counseling, no question.
Thanks again for all the thoughts. Many of your posts are very uplifting and empowering. To someone without friends or family, the support you've offered me is very precious. I will keep you posted on what happens next.
I am so sorry you're living like this. This is NOT normal. Please get some counseling for yourself individually to help you process this properly and figure out a plan for your life. So sorry.
I would go to counseling myself and set up marital counseling. I think that's your only option.
If he won't go - then you need to decide, do I live like this the rest of my life, or do I make a change?
As for talking to a co-worker about your marriage, I suppose it is like going to a friend for support. Of course this would upset your husband because of his jealous nature. So I am not sure why you told him. It would be better for you to go to a female friend or counseling (best) to share this stuff and get help on what steps to take.
If it were me, I would make an appointment with a therapist today. Get a plan of action. It will make you feel like you have control of your life. It may mean leaving your husband in the end. Your husband needs to work on his issues. My response would depend on if he was going to try to change.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Oh my dear realize right now that you have options. You must get counseling. Couples counseling mandatory, counseling for yourself mandatory. If hubby won't do counseling then you do it without him. Your account of your relationship with your husband sounds abusive to me.
Everything in you is screaming how your husband is treating you is wrong and yet you are trying to justify and pacify his insecurity. It is time your 10 year older than you husband man up about his insecurities. I dated a man like this. It turned out he was cheating on me which was why he had so much angst about me going out or having male friendships.
Your love isn't in question here his love is. I was taught that love is patient and kind. That love doesn't keep a record of wrong doings. This isn't the kind of love your husband has for you and this is damaging his relationship with you. No you can't win with this kind of jealous craziness.
Get counseling to help you. If he refuses to go to counseling find an excellent lawyer and start the divorce process. He doesn't believe you will leave him and WON'T change if not forced. No time for bluffing be prepared to divorce him if he won't change to make this marriage work.
Marriage counseling is recommended. He's insecure and more.
