Obviously i have no friends since i keep crying on here. But i just dont know what to do. So my husband has been gone for almost a week and we just cant agree on anything or even agree to disagree. We are broken up because of many reasons: no romance in marriage, he thinks i only see negative in him, he doesnt help me, he doesnt do things i ask him to, he goes out on weekends, he goes out by himself too much, he was caught with another woman that he says nothing is going on. I am almost 8 months pregnant, we have a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old. So we are talking divorce and i am stressed. I dont want a divorce but i do. I want to be happy, but oh my the thought of having a baby by myself and having 2 other kids freaks me out. Childcare is so expensive. I haven't worked in over 3 years. Passing our kids back in forth scares me, specially the newborn and 2 yr old. I will miss them so much. My husband is a good dad and i know he will always provide for our kids. He doesnt want to just stay together for the kids and i dont either. Has anyone on here been in my situation? Do you have any words of encouragement or good advice to give? I feel myself slipping further into depression everyday. I'm tired. How do you single mommys do it?
So we do go to church. Catholic church where he met the other woman. I am not catholic but i believe in God and he was raised catholic so we attend as a family. I didnt go a few times when i was having morning sickness. I'm guessing this is when he started talking to her. I dont want to blame the catholic religion as i have agreed to raise our children this way, but man its hard when people go to church and do bad things. I have suggested counceling and he doesnt want to. I've been 3 times in my life, when my mom died, when he cheated on me first time, and durring my last pregancy, because we were having problems with his mother wich caused us to fight. He doesnt want to fight for our marriage. So i guess i need to just let it go. I have found that even though i havent kept in touch very well with friends they are willing to suport me in this time of need. My 7 yr asked if she go to stay with her dad this weekend. I wante her to be able to do that so she called him. I went upstairs to give my 2 yr old a bath. She called him 6 times and he didnt answer. Then she texted him. Can "her name" have a sleepover today? His replyim having a beer with ben why didnt you tell me ealier. She had my phone and made a voive text message begging him. So sad. Now shes upset with me. This sucks!
Did you both try Counseling first?
Before rushing to a decision on the fate of things?
You both have issues with the marriage. And sometimes, there comes a time... when outside help is needed.
Unhappy married parents can be far worse for children to be around than happily divorced ones. Yes, it will be really hard to make it work for a while, but women are amazingly strong, especially when protecting their babies. Just remember that they need you there for them 100%, and no man, not even their father, should be bringing you down. Good luck!
Ohhhh Girl!!!
STOP!!! Take a deep breath!!! you have sooo much on your plate...you need to break it down and work on pieces not the whole pie!!
Get a cup of hot tea - prop your feet up and be prepared, this is going to be a long one.
1. Sit in a quiet place after the kids have gone to bed...grab something comfy and sit down and pray to God. Ask Him for guidance. Ask Him for support - tell Him what you need....mediate if you need to - if you don't believe in God - pray to whoever you believe in....cry it out. Know that right now - my arms are around you hugging you....even from the other side of the States....
2. Call your OB/GYN and tell them what is going on - if you are stressed - there are just sooo many things that can go wrong....TALK to him/her about what is going on. I don't know if there are any meds that you can take to help with anxiety or depression while you are pregnant but if not - she should be able to refer you to a therapist who can help you with dealing with everything on your plate.
3. DO NOT MAKE ANY life changing decisions while you are pregnant or for at least 6 months until AFTER the baby is born.
4. DO NOT PUT DIVORCE ON THE TABLE. Sorry - my opinion here. It's an escape route and will give you both an out instead of working on the marriage.
5. Your husband MAY ONLY HEAR WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU....pregnant at 8 months, a 2 year old (ahhhh the TERRIFIC TWOS!!) and a 7 year old?! Man - you've got a full house!!! If you aren't working - you are pregnant so you tired, cranky and just plain uncomfortable, I bet.
6. You two need to sit down and talk. Have a list of your expectations, desires, etc. Have him make the list.
a. You MUST make your marriage a priority. If you don't - it won't work. NO ONE EVER SAID it would be perfect - and unfortunately, that's what people think when they get married "happily ever after" - you have your good days, great days, bad days and horrible days. It's the horrible days that make your marriage believe it or not - it puts the metal in - it grounds you and keeps you focused.
b. You are his wife, not his mother. You are SUPPOSED to be partners. So this means - when a man hears "nagging" - he hears negative. Make a list of responsibilities that each of you have not only in the marriage - but in the home. If there's a chore or responsibility you don't want - NEGOTIATE it. I don't like to clean house - so we negotiated a cleaning company to come in every two weeks to help out.
c. You need help around the house.
a. enlist your 7 year old to help around the house...ask him or her to do specific easy chores.
b. have your 2 year old pick up after him/herself.
c. tell your husband what you need.
7. NEVER start the conversation with YOU DID THIS. YOU ARE THAT - defenses go up and then the whole thing just goes down the hole. Don't ACCUSE. Say I FEEL, I NEED, I DESIRE - I NOT YOU. Be prepared to listen to what he has to say - it's a two way street.
8. Instead of hubby going out on weekends - plan stuff to do at home or as a family - he needs to put his focus back on the family as well. It's REALLY easy for a man to think with his little head instead of his big head....if he's feeling rejected at home - having someone else tell him nice and sweet things without the responsibility can be suuuuuuuucccch a relief...does it make it right? HELL NO!!! But the shoe can be put on the other foot.
I can GUARANTEE you that the grass isn't greener. And you can tell him that. If you two can't work this out - you will ALWAYS be connected - you have three children together. You will ALWAYS have to communicate, see, etc. with each other - so get it fixed NOW....
Keep your expectations REASONABLE. As should he. You both could be thinking with stars and diamonds. Scale back to the beginning. You say positive things about him here...so start telling him he's a good provider, a great dad - things like that go a long, long way. However, this isn't just about what YOU need to do - it's about what BOTH of you need to do. Marriage is a full time job. You don't get paid and the rewards don't come for some years down the road. You will have good days and bad days - some great days and some absolutely HORRIBLE days - but you have to resolve to work it out together......
Call him - tell him you need to talk to him. Ask him to write down what he hears you say....ask him to write down what he NEEDS to hear from and get from you in order to make this work - tell him you will be doing the same. This list MUST include your dreams, your expectations, all of it. Will this be an easy conversation? NO WAY!!! But you have to be open to it and receptive to what he needs. BOTH OF YOU NEED to listen to each other. That's the hardest part - especially when you feel slighted, belittled, and all the other stuff.... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
Please feel free to inbox me. You CAN do this. I promise. My husband and I have been married 14 years - it's not been all wine and roses....we've had some pretty tough times (we've lost 3 babies, 2 at 12 weeks and 1 at 20 weeks, we've had SERIOUS financial problems caused by me and my actions and we've had some wonderful days...) YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I only have one she is 10 months old but I feel like the big D is on its way. I could have wrote the first part of your post. I do work but it is hard anyway and my husband is all of those things. I feel for you and if you find a solution please let me know.
Alright I am just gonna say it...hopefully you will understand my meaning and not feel I am being critical of you, ok?
I hear that you do not want to get divorced, if I were in your shoes and wanted to save my marriage....I would step back and take a longer look at the relationship as a whole. Maybe even start with what you wrote here. As I read your post I heard a lot of what he does that is damaging to your relationship. How about giving some thought into what your part is in this current failed situation. How do you feel about that? Would you/could you/want to/if you choose to acknowledge to him and be honest about what you need to work on and what you could/would/should fix to make it work? It takes two to make a marriage work, ya know? There is a lot of give and take...from both sides.
I hope you could understand my scrambled wording :)
~If it was me, I would think about all that and then have a serious heart-to-heart with your hubby when your ready and have made up your mind.
You are absolutely correct about the sheer scariness of divorce! There is SO much to consider and it sounds like you know that.
I wish you all the best with this.
Is he *really* a cheater? That one would be hard for me to get over...
I have 3 boys I am raising 100% of the time on my own. My youngest sons father left me for another woman when our son was 3 months old. I was devestated even his family didnt see it coming. It was hard at first but I had a great support of friends and family. It can be done and I have always said it is much better to be alone and happy then with someone and misserable. Child care is expensive but you will have child support and he will have to help pay for childcare. Right now is also not an easy time to get out and find a job so I feel for you. Just be strong for your kids and you will make it through.
Oh man, what a tough situation. I have too many rough times with my husband too and wonder the same thing... would it be better to be without him and all the stress or with him and try to make it better. Well, lemme tell ya! I truly believe life pretty much sucks for kids of "broken homes." We also share custody of my husband's 2 kids from a prior marriage and I see firsthand that I don't want my kids to grow up that way... bouncing back and forth from one house to another... the awkward alliances that seem to separate the family at times... since we have "his" and "ours" in terms of kids... they see the differences despite our trying to blend our family as best we can. Ugh! It gets so complicated and so NOT fun for the kids growing up in it, let alone us parents/stepparents. It really makes you step back and re-think what you're doing and why. Which is my advice to you. Go thru the list of things that may help first... counseling, individual therapy, marriage encounter weekends, commitment to regular date nights and time spent alone, together, with no distractions... to reconnect to the couple who first fell for each other. Really, really try to make it work. Divorce really sucks in so many ways for so many people... especially kids. You're also on an emotional roller coaster being pregnant (I was just there 3 times myself, I know)... can't you wait/postpone any action until after your baby is born and you're back on your feet? It's not fair for you, your baby, your other kids, or your husband to not be there, as a father should, for his family. Do you really want to do everything on your own? Do you really want to see your children half the time of their lives? I think you and your husband need to spell it out for each other and how it will truly go down, before you act out of haste or emotion alone. Just DON'T DO ANYTHING NOW. You're in no state of mind to think clearly about this kind of stressful stuff in the midst of pregnancy. Sometimes men are just plain jerks when their wives are pregnant. Mine was. I don't know why this is. Just put any permanent decisions on hold, be kind to each other, don't "go there" and get that baby out healthy. That's what matters most right now. Best of luck to you. Hugs.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, I can say that my husband and I have had our share of issues - serious ones - and come out on the other side. If you are able to go & bring him with you there is check out Familylife.com - it is an amazing ministry & lives as well as marriages have miraculously been saved through this. There is an event, Weekend to Remember, coming up in Tucson in early May (I know you are 8 months preg. so don't know if the timing will work). We support missionaries that are involved in this ministry & trust me - lives change. I can send you more info if you pm me. I pray you are able to find your way through this.
Honestly, may I kindly suggest attending church together. Commit to it for six months. I think you may be pleasantly surprised.
I can't really speak to the single parent issue. I'd try marriage counseling and it he won't go or it doesn't work go by yourself. If you are starting to feel down (understandably) it is a good idea to see a counselor and watch extra closely for signs of Post Partum Depression. There are some antidepressants you can take while pregnant or breastfeeding if needed.
Having a new baby is a high stress time so you may need to plan ahead to separate when the baby is past the newborn stage. But you could still check with a lawyer sooner rather than later.
Oh my, I am so sorry! First of all, your husband is lying is about the other woman. Of course is having sex w/ her, so be aware. It would be very scary doing it alone, but you'll manage if you get divorced. Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling? I don't know what your issues are, but that should be your first step in saving your marriage. However, do you want to stay married to a cheater? People who have cheated in the past often cheat again. It's your call, but put your happiness first. I am so sorry for you. Best of luck!
I would really encourage you to get counseling. And if you want to try to save the marriage, then both of you should go. But even if he won't, go for yourself.... (hugs).
I wish I lived next door-for now, take care of yourself and the children-do your best to be positive-he is not taking the pressure well-but you are a mother-and there is nothing that you can't do! Go to the nearest Catholic Church-they will help you and give you the friendship and support you need. Bless your heart.
Read the book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
It is very eye opening and you'll see many ways you can improve your relationship...whether you stay together or not. If your husband is abusive, sadistic, etc...the book won't help. But if he's just lazy, selfish, and immature...this book may be your saving grace.
I'm sorry for the whole situation! I have been reading all of the posts.
There are situations where it is better to divorce - where there are abusive situations. I think your situation is not very clear what would be best. I can agree with other people to keep trying. One thing I've been going through lately with my own marriage is to lower my expectations. To a much lesser degree, I've been wishing my husband would be more helpful. But I need to realize that he gets overwhelmed with those sort of tasks quicker than me, and I need to expand my circle of support more.
So some ideas I have are to reach out for support from other people more, plan more family and just couple activities to reconnect, praise the little positive things he does. I know you're tired, and to do this, you'll need to be the strong persistent one. Pray for help & really reach out to others for the support you need.
that's a hard spot to be in, especially being pregnant. the scariest part is all of the uncertainty. the good part is that there is hope.
you are not alone. thousands of women are in your shoes every day, and thousands of women come through it better off.
the trick here is to realize that sometimes things simply do not work out. it doesn't make you a failure. you should be eligible for all kinds of public assistace once the divorce is finalized. make sure you visit your human services website or office to figure out what services you may be eligible for.
in the meantime- I don't know how the local daycare front looks where you live- but where I live there is a high demand for daycare. Maybe you could look into providing in-home daycare for other mothers who need affordable care? just a thought...
anyhow- best of luck- keep your head up
