So I Was Silly Then Let down on My Bday

Eh...some people J. really stink at making things happen.
Birthdays can look like all kinds of different things to all kinds of different people.
There's a chance that what YOU do for HIS birthday might seem over-the-top to him.
In my family, birthdays a re a fairly big deal, but that's not true of all families.
I learned pretty quickly that I needed to play somewhat of a role in the celebratory plans of...well, J. about everything...if I want it to be what I wanted it to be.
Most of the problems between people in this world are due to unexpressed or misunderstood expectations.

You should be bummed - I know I would be. Like JessinTexas, my husband also does not do anything for my birthday. He says happy birthday, but there is no card, no cake, no plans and in fact I usually cook and most of the time do the dishes. My husband has not let M. forget that for his birthday last year he got a belt and a pair of slippers. Didn't think that was good enough and didn't let M. forget it from his birthday until mine. Once mine passed and he didn't get M. anything, I haven't heard anymore complaining about his skimpy b-day present. I J. sucked it up, but let there be no mistake about it, next year he'll get the same thing from M. that I got from him this year!

I can see how you're bummed... he asked and you truthfully answered, but he still didn't come through. You said that you'd like a date and ended up with him still asking what you wanted to do. I can see how you were let down that he didn't plan a date. What an easy gf!! You told him exactly what you wanted!

Then... maybe he didn't realize you'd told him exactly what you wanted. We ladies talk in code. Like when they ask when something's wrong many will say nothing! haha! Maybe he's J. bad at it. Some guys suck at bdays! A few years back I was talking to my dad at work and asked him what he was getting my mom for her bday. He says, "When's her bday?" (And they'd been married 30 years!) :-)

SOME men need the details. "I want to go on a date." "To M. this means.."

I want to go to eat at a place that is nicer than Chili's.

Or "I want to eat at (insert exact restaurant).." Or say, "I have made the reservations and we need to be there at 8:00pm. "

I want to go to a club and have a couple of drinks. Where the music is quiet enough for us to talk.. So that we can dance.. I want to hear a live band..

I want to go to the movies. A romantic one.. I want to see this movie.. I want to go at night..

I wan to stay in a hotel over night. I want the hotel in town, At a bed and breakfast,, out of town .. I want a whole weekend J. M. and you. I will get a sitter..

I want to walk and look at the city lights at night. On the night of my actual birthday.

I want a birthday cake from a nice bakery not a supermarket. I want candles on it, I want my name on it. I want it to be chocolate.

I want champagne. Chilled and in a picnic basket.. with cheese and crackers, with strawberries and chocolates.

and I want you to be happy you are doing all of this for M...

You HAVE to J. spit it out. I am telling you, some guys are not creative. They do not want to disappoint you and so they shut down and become overwhelmed.. And FYI, They do not change. You cannot change them. It does not mean they do not love you, it means they J. are not creative.

Spell it out or plan it yourself. Then praise, praise him and brag to all of your friends so that he knows he got it right.. And continue to remind him, because otherwise, he will think he did it once so he does not have to do it again..

They are men, not women..

Sounds pretty much like my birthday for the last 10 years of my life, well even as a teen/kid I only had maybe 4 or 5 actual parties, mostly J. the family eating cake together.

But not J. mine, that's about how we celebrate my husband's too. His birthday was last weekend and we J. got a redbox movie and make brownies.

But we are pretty poor and can't really get a sitter, so we usually J. hang out or something. Actually, for my 30th birthday, it was freaking awesome b/c I found tickets to a concert I had been wanting to see and bought them myself and got a sitter myself and we went and had a great time. If I hadn't done that, we probably would have gone to dinner. We don't usually get each other gifts either, but we may go shopping and I will get to pick my own gift out.

In YOUR case though, since you are newly dating and all, you should communicate your expectations and that you want to go out and have fun and actually date once in awhile. I understand couples getting in ruts after several years... but only after 10 months?

.

Wow, that's pretty crappy but honestly you asked for it. Instead of saying you "aren't into gifts" you should have said something like, "I'm pretty easy, I don't expect anything big but like sterling silver jewlery, chocolate, I wear size ___" You get the idea. By telling him what you did implies you don't care if you get a gift AT ALL, which isn't the truth. Then you didn't call him out on it when Sunday rolls around and you sit around all day *waiting* for your date. When he said "what do you want to do" you should have said "what do you mean, I told you to plan a date for my bday so what did you plan since you told M. to dress warm?". I'm 44 years old and when the holidays, mothers day, bday, anniv, etc are about 2 weeks away I will tell my hubby "hey, bday is in 2 weeks and I want ______" And then I will remind him a week before and a day or two before. I don't *set him up* to fail nor to I *test* him to see how good it will do or won't do for my bday. Its pretty crappy to do that and sets everyone up to be disappointed. I'm sorry this happened and I think you should tell him you were disappointed and if you are still together for the holidays, take my advice and tell him straight out since it appears he can't do it on his own. Good luck and happy belated bday! =)

It's okay to be bummed. I would be bummed. I'm bummed about every birthday. My husband of now 4 years has never done anything, MAYBE one year I got a card.

Hopefully he saw the shock of your friends, the dissapointment in your face, and will make it up to you soon, or later --- like 364 days from today.

EDIT: You wrote "..they were shocked he listened." I put a period in there. Like "They were shocked. He listened" like he heard you guys' conversation. So I gotta edit my answer --- TELL HIM that you are upset. TELL HIM you made a mistake by saying a gift doesn't matter. TELL HIM that it DOES matter to you and you're sad that he didn't do anything for your bday. "I feel neglected on my one special day."

You are NOT being silly, you are NOT being petty. You told him up front what you wanted, a date. Did he ever tell you what his plans were? I think it's really important to know if he actually had a real date planned, or if it was J. something he came up with last minute to use more of as an excuse. He should in no way think that he was "off the hook".

I think this really gives you some insight as to what type of relationship to expect with him in the future.

Okay, so WHAT exactly were his "Plans" for you???? Since he didn't even materialize that?
I would ask him.

If he is this way now, he will probably be this way next year and for any other special occasion/holiday.
Many men are.

So you either be let down, or plan something and tell him what you want. Exactly. Men are not good at reading hints and cannot read minds.

I had a Birthday recently. My Husband forgot. My kids did not. That is how it is every year.
But oh well.
I don't get upset about it anymore.
I know... he values M.. But really, does not plan ahead.

or you simply TELL YOUR Boyfriend, that you were disappointed. Because you did something for his Birthday and nothing, poof, was planned for you.
That is better than moping about it.
Unless you say anything, a Man does not know.

So if he is your Boyfriend, HOW come, you have not 'dated' him?
What the heck, does he do to 'date' you?
And if you never dated, how can he be a Boyfriend?

Oh. Laurie A NAILED IT.

Really, really, nailed it.

The only thing I would add is "as my gift I would like" (aka make the date with all the specifics your gift).

You never should have said that you didn't need a gift or that a gift didn't matter. Obviously it matters. He took you at your word.

Or you could have the model husband that I have who needs a kick in the backside with birthdays. My best friend and my mom plan all of my birthdays otherwise it would never be celebrated.

I bet since he said happy birthday a bunch of times he kind of feels like an idiot and when guys feel like an idiot, they hide it. If he's a good guy otherwise and was affectionate all day, I'd let it go. You haven't known him all that long and there's time for all this stuff to be worked out. And there's the good with the bad. My husband is super good with gifts and occassions etc yet pretty sucky at other things...

That really sucked.

After it isn't bugging you so much you need to sit down and explain your feelings to him.

you can either take charge and nip this in the bud or let it eat at you for the remainder of your time with him. you said you didn't want a gift so he didn't get you one. when he asked if you wanted to do something you said you didn't know. you have to say to him (because men are stupid) ... I want to do "X" "Y" "Z" for my birthday. I want a cake and a present and I don't want to have to walk you thru it for M. lol. explain to him what birthdays are for you. some people honestly don't care about them and others would like to think they don't but they really do. my husband was like that at the holidays when we first got married. he J. didn't get it. he was the youngest and his mom and dad always did everything so he didn't have to. he had to be taught. so make your stand now but don't shift on it cause that's not fair to him.

Next year ask for dinner and a movie.

I think you were too vague for him.
When my husband asks M. what I want for my birthday, I'll tell him a movie and popcorn, or pizza, or Red Robin or Chinese take out or Thai food.
He appreciated being told - it takes the guess work out for him and everyone is happy.
You said you were not into gifts and the last minute what ever he was planning fell through.
Either it's not a big deal and you get over it, or, if you think it's a beginning of a track record where you think you'll always get disappointed for things like this, maybe it's time to trade in this boyfriend for a more thoughtful, sentimental model.

Okay here's the thing. Men are, um how should we say this nicely, kind
of slow in the "birthday arena". Some are great so no offense.
But here's what I've learned......I DO NOT LEAVE IT UP TO ANYONE ELSE. :)

Ask for what you want otherwise you won't get it or at the very least you will be let down.

Don't punish him but next time let him know up front & beforehand what you would like to do & where you'd like to go.

Never leave it up to chance or to someone else's ingenuity.

Ask for what you want.

That way they are not in the dark, know going in what you want & you get the day you'd like.

Birthdays are generally more important to women than to men.

Not all is lost, go to the supermarket now & buy yourself some flowers, treat yourself to lunch w/a friend to a place you might not usually try (you buy this time since you're asking the friend to go w/you), buy yourself an inexpensive bauble at some nearby store that you've been wanting to go to or go online. Do it now. Treat yourself.. :)

If it's a special birthday then commemorate it something that stands for that. For example for my 30th I did something really special for M..

If your man ever asks what do you want to do for your birthday, never reply IDK. Tehy will inevitably think they are off the hook & not do anything. Ha ha.

It doesn't have to be grand or expensive.

Never expect anything and you will not be let down. And by that I mean, always treat yourself to things on your birthday. Every year. I do.
I always treat myself to:
a mocha
some flowers
sushi takeout for lunch etc.
Things like that.
Go get something for yourself girl (w/in your budget of course) and happy
belated birthday!

Birthdays are a really big deal for some people and for others they are J. another day. I have 2 friends who have very different concepts of birthdays. One friend goes all out . . . and I mean all out! She grew up in a family that lavished her with MANY gifts and who made a really big deal about birthday dinner, cake and ice cream, and even some type of fun outing. While she never feels let down by others if they do not live up to the standard that has been set, she does expect some type of big deal made (not necessarily expensive, but something that took thought). An other friend of mine might not even call to say happy birthday to a close friend although she would say something if she saw you. In her family, birthdays really were no big deal. They got one small inexpensive gift and dinner was one of their favorites, but other than that, birthdays were J. regular days with well wishes. I am not sure if this categorizes your boyfriend. I would ask about the plans that he made in a casual way, and he might surprise you and say that it will be rescheduled for next week pending weather. Or he might even tell you what the surprise was too be, making you feel a little better knowing that there was thought put into it.

So, wait...did you go to the his friends wife's party?

I think next time you should say surprise M.? :)

I also wouldn't hesitate to state that you technically didn't have that date you wanted for your birthday...see what he says to that.

Yeah I think your mistake was leaving it up to him. Men have no idea how our mind works or what we'd like. I'd say exactly what you want next year lol. They don't get it. My ex use to say to M. only men who cheat give flowers. I'll plant you some rosebushes in stead. I guess I should have got the hint that when the rosebushes didnt make it and died that my relatiionship was doomed lol Oh Wellsuch is life I got the best gift of all from him anyway, my daughter.

I hate to say this, but you got what you wanted... Guys are not like women, yes, there are some really great ones out there that you don't have tell them word for word and they are romantic and would give you the world, but most of them aren't like that. If you said you aren't into gift, well, he probably felt he was doing great then... So for future reference say, I don't need a ring but I love being surprised with gifts and leave it at that...

Hugs going out, sorry your bday wasn't that special...

No your not being petty!
J. because you said no gifts you did tell him what you wanted! The night before he tells you he has plans, but then did nothing. He set you up to be excited then J. to be let down by not doing anything.

I would tell him.. remember next year when your birthday comes around I will be remembering this. Hopefully he will still come thru and take you somewhere. If not... when his rolls around J. drop hints you have a great night planned for the date of his birthday a week in advance... on that date go on a girls night! Yup I do play petty :)

Well, I think he messed up. You communicated to him what you wanted, and he decided that sleeping was more important.